04x01 - Oh My Santa

[bunniefuu]

Merry Christmas.

Oh, my Santa.

Guys, I worked 60 hours this week.
It's four o'clock on Christmas Eve,

and you still haven't gotten
the house Christmas-ready?

-Come on. Work with me.
-You said, "Get in the Christmas spirit,"

so we're watching the most heartwarming
Christmas movie ever made -

Die Hard.

Die Hard?

-"Yippee-ki-yay, moth--"
-Hey, don't finish that thought.

Oh, come on, people.

I don't smell cookies. I don't see tinsel.

I haven't checked the halls,
but I am assuming they are not decked.

Mother, I tried, but they just don't have
the Christmas spirit

like you, me, and Tommy.

None of these lollygaggers
moved a muscle.

They refused to hang the stockings
with or without care.

[machine g*ns f*ring]

Ooh, Die Hard.
Now it feels like Christmas.

Oh.

See what I've been working with?

Oh, I knew I could count on Kimmy
for some Christmas spirit.

Are you gonna put out presents?

Not unless someone wants
my sweaty gym socks.

This is my laundry bag.

Okay, that's it.

[shuts off TV]

-Wait!
-Mom!

With Dad, Uncle Jesse,
and Aunt Becky visiting Michelle,

I was counting on you guys.

You are all on my naughty list.

You're not gonna tell Santa, are you?

There's no option off the table.

I'm gonna see him in 45 minutes

because I am taking
Max and Tommy to the mall.

And when I get back, this room
better be filled with so many Santas,

I couldn't even swing
a red-nosed reindeer without hitting one.

There's no time for relaxation, people.
It's Christmas!

I should probably take Tommy.

[door closes]

-Aw...
-Ohh...

-All right.
-[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy,
the evening TV? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart,
a hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look,
everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there,
and you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[hums]

♪ O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum ♪

♪ Your SPF protects me ♪

Then it hit me.

Silent night, holy night.

Santa flies his sleigh through a hole
in the space-time continuum.

[imitates expl*si*n]

That's how he's able
to get to every home in one night.

What don't you say out loud? Ha ha.

[continues humming carol]

Kimmy, what are you doing?

Duh. I'm leaning over the railing
in a dangerous fashion.

No, no, no. You can't do that.

You're pregnant with my baby.

Why do I keep forgetting that?

I really should look down more often.

Whoa, did you double in size overnight?

Sure did. Second trimester started today.

When we Gibblers pop, we blow up
like a tick on a water buffalo.

Pregnant Gibblers
also have heightened senses,

but not the normal ones, like throwing up
when you smell chicken or library books.

We get ultra-sensitive hearing.

Yep. In 1775,

Great-Great-Great Grandma Gibbler
heard the British coming.

That jerk Paul Revere took all the credit
'cause she was too fat to get on a horse.

Hey, what are you doing
with all these old clothes?

Oh, I am collecting donations
for the homeless shelter.

I'm volunteering there
for school community service.

Wow. That's so cool
your school makes you do that.

You know we go to the same school?

I hear DJ coming.

Now, there's someone
with the Christmas spirit.

Quick, get rid of all the Santas.

You mean the hundred Santas
that you asked us to put up?

Don't use my words against me.

Tommy is suddenly terrified of Santa.
He had a meltdown at the mall.

It couldn't have been that bad.

SANTA AND ME

-Yeesh.
-Yeesh.

You know, it's funny,

I have that same picture of me
on Russell Brand's lap.

Don't ask.

Hey, Max. How did you like Santa?

It was terrific.

I'm no linguist, but it's almost like
he was saying it wasn't terrific.

But Max is Mr. Christmas.

Not anymore.

I mean, he was fine
until we got in line to meet Santa,

and then he suddenly announced
that he was over Christmas.

-What happened?
-I don't know.

He just left the line
and spent the next four hours

in a massage chair at Brookstone
eating Korean BBQ.

That sounds like the best Christmas ever.

It does, doesn't it?

Oh, but instead, I've got two kids
who have gone full Grinch on me

and a boyfriend
who won't be here for Christmas.

Well, at least Steve
left you that sweet voice mail.

Yeah, it was sweet. I miss--

Wait. How did you know
about the voice mail?

I just listened to it in the car.

My Gibbler pregnancy hearing.

Wait. You didn't hear anything else,
did you?

Of course not... Boo Bear.

Hey, Rocki,

it's me again.

When you get this, give me a holla. Holla!

I've left her five messages
and haven't heard back.

Maybe she can't hear you
over that sweater.

Oh, wait, wait. No, Kimmy.
Here... let me help you with that.

Here we go. The milk, the cookie...
Tiny bite. Okay.

You gonna be like this
the whole pregnancy?

No. I, like your pregnancy,
am going to get worse as time goes on.

Santa cookies, no. You have to
get rid of those before Tommy sees them.

No problem.

Why didn't you just hide them?

I didn't each lunch.

I just-- I don't understand
why Tommy's so afraid of Santa.

Maybe it's because Santa
is a bearded stranger

who breaks into your house
and steals your milk.

Or he's a jolly, magical friend
who brings you presents.

Only after he passes judgment on you
in a punitive fashion.

Oh. Sounds like somebody's
got a case of the bah humbugs.

Hey. Max, what's going on?

You're usually my Christmas hype man,
spreading Yuletide cheer.

That's the old me.

I'm too mature
for all this Christmas nonsense.

Wha--Wha...

[hyperventilates]

Too mature for Christmas?

There's no such thing.

Does anybody got a crayon?
I got to finish my letter for Santee.

Hey, Steve. Just leaving you
another voice mail.

You're probably doing Lakers stuff.
We'll be watching the game tonight.

So, hopefully someone will roll an ankle,
and we'll get to see you on TV.

And, Kimmy, if you are super-listening,
please stop.

Sure thing, Boo Bear.

Bye, honey.

Got your text. What's up?

What's up is that it's Christmas Eve,
your favorite day of the year,

and that includes the season premiere
of Blue Bloods.

Told you. That's old Max.

Well, I miss old Max.

Everyone does.

And that is why we are going to do
everything we can

to get you back into the Christmas spirit,
Fuller style.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you
the Fuller Family Holiday Extravaganza.

That's sort of not fair since you know
how much I love an extravaganza.

Wait. Hold on.
Lady with a baby coming through.

Let the cavalcade begin.

It's an extravaganza.

Oh. Well, then I want my money back.

First up in our pageant
of Christmas cheer--

Oh, wait. It's a pageant?
Oh, then keep my money.

You know him.
You love him. It's...

Tommy Jr.

Yeah, Tommy!

Here's your paper, sir.

Thanks, Tommy,

but by now, all the Japanese markets
have already closed.

Tough crowd, Tommy. Okay.

All right, next up -

he has a heart of gold and abs of steel.

You know him
as Jeremiah Jeff Coat Johnson,

Jimmy Gibbler.

Yeah, Jimmy.

Does anybody else taste pennies?

[stammers] I appreciate the effort,

but how is this supposed to
get me in the Christmas spirit?

Don't know.
He was supposed to sing "Jingle Bells."

Max, honey. I don't know
what's upsetting you, but we're a family,

and none of us can have a happy Christmas
unless you have a happy Christmas.

Will you at least help us
finish decorating the tree?

Sure.

Okay.

-Come on. Grab an ornament.
-Here. Let's decorate.

Here we go.

Here you go, Max.

Oh, no.

I know what this is about.

Knock-knock.

I'm not here.

Max, I think we should talk
about what's upsetting you.

Who says I'm upset?

A house full of people who love you.

I think I know what's bothering you.

You do?

Yeah.

Because I used to have similar feelings
around the holidays.

I miss my dad. I miss him so much.

Oh, honey, I miss him, too.

Every day so much.

Today, at the mall...

we were in line for Santa,
and I kept seeing kids with their dads.

Yeah, that made you sad?

I see kids with their dads all the time,
but it never made me sad before.

And then today,
it just hit me out of nowhere.

Yeah, that's what grief is like.

It just has a way of sneaking up on you.

But why did it have to pick Christmas Eve?

Why couldn't it have been
Jackson's birthday?

You know, Max...

when I was your age,
I lost my mom, your grandma.

And the holidays were always so hard

because they're supposed to be
about fun and celebration.

But sometimes, they just kind of
left a hole in my heart.

So what'd you do?

Well...

there was one thing
that Grandpa Danny would do for me

when I was missing my mom.

He would show me home movies of her
to help me remember her.

It was almost like she was there.

That must have been nice.

Yeah, it was.

Honey, do you want to watch movies
of you and your dad?

I know it's something you've been
having trouble letting yourself do.

I think I'd like that.

I'm proud of you for spending
your Christmas Eve helping others.

Thanks. You know, I know it started
as a school assignment,

but it made me realize
how fortunate we are.

I like giving back.

Maybe I'll do it more often.

I'm so glad you feel that way.

But I still want my scarf back.

Here, you can have this sweater.

-Isn't that Stephanie's?
-Sure is.

Oh, Kimmy. There you are.

Can I make you a snack?

Oh, I'm not hungry.

Yeah, but the baby is, right? And...

if the baby is anything like me,
which it will be, because it's mine,

its favorite food is going to be
tableside guacamole.

Steph, stop. I'm really not hungry.

I know what you need.

According to all my baby books
and Winnie-the-Pooh,

everyone loves a belly rub.

Okay, you really need to stop.
Oh. But that does feel good.

Whatever you do, don't stop.

I never thought I would mind
Stephanie Tanner doting on me.

But why are you doing this?

Because... I feel grateful.

And a little guilty.

It's my baby,
but you're doing all the work.

I know I shouldn't,
but sometimes I feel inadequate.

First of all, no one with those hands
should ever feel inadequate.

And besides, Steph, you're my partner
every step of the way.

I just wanna be involved.

I mean, the truth is, I've...

never had my friend carry my baby before.

You called me your friend?

I've waited 30 years to hear that.

I should have had your baby
in middle school.

Ladies, we wanted to give you
a special gift

so that you'll always have something
to remember your pregnancy.

Well, there will be a baby.

But... until that time,
enjoy this token of our appreciation

from the baby daddies
to the baby mamas.

-We went halfsies on it.
-Halfsies.

I have not received a PayPal.

[both] Aw!

It's our first baby picture.

Don't worry. When the baby comes out,
it'll be in color.

Oh, Max, look how cute you were.

Okay, everyone, give me a wave.

Oh. Hey, Max,
look up at Jackson.

-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas!

I miss Dad, too.

I miss when you knew
how to frame a sh*t.

There's the Max we love.

[cell phone ringtone]

Hey, Mom. Wha-- No. Hold on.

Mom, are you all right?

It must be the hormones.
I'm feeling it, too.

Feeling better, Max?

I am.

Man, was I cute.

Kimmy, what's going on?

You know in the video when Tommy Sr.
took the phone call and...

none of you could hear it?

Well, I could with my Gibbler hearing.

Tommy wanted to give his kids
the best Christmas ever.

He even bought these special presents
and hid them here at Danny's house.

I had no idea.

They were in that weird cabinet
above the washer.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Wait. We have a washer?

Tommy, it's just like the one I broke.
Be careful, little man.

Wow, a Wii U.

That's exactly what I wanted
when they still made them.

It's a watch.

It's just like the one Dad used to wear.

It's perfect.

Well, since I'm passing out
Christmas miracles...

he left one for you, too.

"Merry Christmas, my beloved wife.

All I ever want is for you to be happy

each and every day.

Love, Tommy."

It's so ugly.

Oh.

Oh, he always had such awful taste.

I love it.

Thanks, Mom.

Maybe I'm not too immature
for the holidays.

Welcome back, Mr. Christmas.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay. Well, normally on Christmas Eve,

my dad would be up here
giving some long-winded speech

about an obscure relative
we've never heard of or met.

So if he asks, just tell him I did that.

[all] Hear, hear!

Good story.

But I do wanna say
how truly grateful I am

that we're all able
to spend the holiday together.

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, hey, Jackson.
I said no phones at the table.

It's okay, Mom.
It's another Christmas miracle.

Rocki just texted me back.

She said "holla."

People are throwing the word "miracle"
around pretty loosely.

So where was I?

We are truly blessed.

-[bells jingle]
-Santa. Santa.

Oh, no.
I hope we didn't miss another Santa.

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

It's Santa!

-Hey, Joey!
-Hi, Joey!

Oh, yeah, Joey, right.

Of course, it's Joey.

Aw, Tommy.
You're not afraid of Santa anymore.

I love Santa Joey.

Aw.

Joey, what are you doing here?

Well, a couple of Santa's elves
named Jackson and Ramona

texted me and said that someone here
was afraid of Old Saint Nick.

So I hopped in my sleigh
and flew right over.

Luckily,
I was already wearing my Santa suit.

Ginger has a thing.

Great.

We were about to have
Christmas Eve dinner.

Well, you know me. I'm never one
to turn down a free turkey leg.

Oh, look, there's one right there.

As I was saying...

Christmas is one of the most holy
and sacred days of the year.

[cell phone ringtone]

I said no phones at--
Oh, that's mine.

Steve, hi.

Oh, I miss you so much.

Me too.
There's so much I want to say to you.

Yeah, like what?

Like, I'm standing right behind you.

That's not that romantic.

Oh, no, I'm actually
standing right behind you.

What? Wait. What are you doing h--

Wait. What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be with the Lakers.
Aren't they playing right now?

I quit. Kind of. If Magic Johnson calls,
don't tell him I'm here.

You quit? But that's your dream job.

Yeah, but I have dreams
that are more important than that.

-Aw.
-Aw.

Look, Deej, we've been waiting 25 years.

We owe it to ourselves once and for all
to just see how we are as a couple.

Aw.

Oh, we're not doing that anymore?

Aw, I knew this was gonna be
a great Christmas.

Come on, everybody, let's eat.
Okay, let me-- Grab a chair.

Oh. Does anyone hear that?

Oh, wait. Only I can.

I hear it.

What do I hear?

It's snowing in San Francisco.

-Snowing?
-It doesn't snow here.

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪

♪ If the fates allow ♪

I know!

-Merry Christmas!
-♪ Hang a shining star ♪

♪ Upon the highest bough ♪

♪ And have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas... ♪

♪ Now ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four.

♪ Oh ♪

[theme song playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪