06x08 - The Living Room: A 100% True Story

[bunniefuu]

The ' s gave us countless
fad diets and fitness crazes.

From Body By Jake to Buns of
Steel, my mom did 'em all.

My dad, not so much.

I just got off the phone with Dr. Emory.

We need to have a little pow-wow...

Oh, crap, here we go.

He got the results of
your blood work back,

and your triglycerides are over !

Wow! That's amazing! Way to go, Dad!

No, it's a bad thing.

Oh, no! You're blowing it, Dad!

You and I are going on a serious
health kick, starting now.

It's called Sweatin' to the Oldies,

and that is Richard Simmons.

He plays Motown hits, and you and I

will sweat together as a couple! Fun!

Getting schvitzy to old-timey tunes?

That does sound fun!

Bevy, go grab my walking sneakers

out of the back of the closet.

What's going on?

Why is Dad standing
as if to participate?

Because your mother is right.

Today begins a new me.

Time for Richard Simmons to take
us down to Funky Fitness Town!

For my beautiful angel, anything.
[LAUGHS]

Since when do you walk or wear
sneakers or participate in life?

Here's the deal. Every
year after I see the doctor,

your mom forces me to do
some stupid new exercise fad.

Since when? I've never seen that.

Exactly!

Right before we start working out,

I bombard your mom with a
year's worth of compliments.

So you don't compliment
the lady all year long?

No, I save it all for this very moment.

And it gets her all
flustered and distracted,

and that's when I ask her out

- for a big, fancy lobster dinner.
- Why?

Your mom forgets all about exercising,

and I get to dump ocean
meat into hot butter.

But they list lobster as
market price on the menu.

You say they're vague on
purpose to rip you off.

Oh, it's so worth it, man.
I don't want to exercise.

Okay, there's no way any of this
actually works in the real world.

Time to shake it, Mustang Murray!

And so my dad put his plan into action.

Go easy on me,

because I'm not in
perfect shape like you are.

Me?

[LAUGHING] Oh, stop it.

Maybe it's just your
beautiful new haircut?

I didn't think you noticed.

How could I not?

It looks like you're
wearing a golden crown,

which makes sense
because you're my queen.

And you are my big, grumbly king.

How about we head
downtown to Bookbinders

for a delicious lobster dinner?

Well, I better get outta this spandex

and put on my sparkliest sweater.

And that is how you
never move your body.

You're not a very good life partner.

Thank you.

[YELLS]

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was November th, -something.

and I was in a real quandary,
thanks to my toy truck.

Sup, nerd.

My Big Trak programmable robo-truck

went rogue and rolled
into the living room.

Ohh, man. Not the living room.

Yep. Our living room.

It was my mom's pride and joy.

She kept it like a pristine museum,

and for us, it was
completely off limits.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

Can you be a heroic big sis

and trot in there and grab it for me?

Hell no!

You know that room is off limits

and only used when
Mom wants to entertain

her old, lame-ass friends on
her old, lame-ass furniture.

Ugh. And don't get me started on...

The owls.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

You want my advice? I'd forget
the toy truck. It's gone. Move on.

But I can see it right there!

This is crazy. The point of a living
room is to use it for actual living.

- I'm going in!
- You're a klutz.

If you knock over any of mom's junk,

you'll be as dead as those owls.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

Just be my lookout. All
I need is two seconds...

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

Someone just stepped
foot in my living room.

Who just stepped in my living room?

Adam, why'd you just
step in my living room?

I just wanted my thing.

You know the rules.

This room is a treasure

and reserved only for entertaining

the creme de la creme of Jenkintown.

I'm just ten steps away.

Lemme grab it and get
back to my childhood.

No! Those Nikes are filthy.

Now back out of the room
on your own footsteps

so you don't ruin my priceless
Oriental rug I bought in Jersey.

Priceless?

You mean this funky old crap
is worth, like, actual money?

Of course.

Every piece in this room has been
carefully curated over my lifetime.

And one day, it will all be yours.

Wow. Which one of these
eyesores is worth the most?

Tell me now!

If it's worth cash, I'll take it.

Just think about all the
Garbage Pail Kids I can buy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Every museum-quality piece in this room

is a valuable family heirloom
and can never be sold.

So, if we can't sell them,
how are they valuable?

Because they have the
greatest value of all.

Sentimental value.

- Boo!
- I just wanted comical trading cards.

Listen, I won't have my children
fighting over my treasures,

which is why I have these stickers

with your names on them.

Just slap a sticker on whatever
brings you joy, and boom!

This matching chair set is yours.

Ew! I don't want that big, ugly chair

and its tiny, malnourished twin.

I'll give you a few moments
alone to see what speaks to you.

Greetings, stupid Matt Bradley and JTP.

- Stupid Matt Bradley and JTP!
- Stupid Matt Bradley and JTP!

Barry's always ragging
on me, it's the best.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

I've called this meeting to
discuss a very serious problem.

Ever since I decided to be a doctor,

I've been learning a
lot about health stuff.

Did you know diet and exercise

are important to living a long life?

- Rings a bell.
- Sure.

You just learned that?

Apparently, my dad's Tetris-Cyclopses

are outta control, and I'm worried.

He really means the world to me,

but how do I let him know?

Why don't you just, like, tell him?

With words to his face?

Are you serious right now?

Just open your heart and
be like, "I love you."

Now, when you say "I love you,"

do you really mean not
talking to him for a year,

- but he just knows?
- No!

I mean, say the words.

Now, when you say "Say the words,"

do you really mean go up to
him with the intent of saying it

and then chickening out and screaming,

"Stop trying to control my life!"?

I'm talking about actual
words or even a hug.

Now, when you say "hug," do
you really mean rough horseplay

that ends with me getting
tackled through drywall?

What is going on in your homes?

Guys, what Matt's trying to say

is I need to use a series of lies

to trick my dad into exercising.

No, that's legitimately the
opposite of what I'm trying to say.

Let's do it, JTP!

- JTP!
- JTP!

[CHUCKLES] I'm starting to like you.

- This is Jeopardy!
- Hey, Barry.

You're looking very trim,
fit, and attractive today.

Thank you, Geoffrey Schwartz.

Would you believe I got this
fit without exercising at all?

You did not exercise?
But that is impossible!

Not anymore, thanks to Tommy Lasorda!

What is this?

Why are you morons acting out
a weird play in front of my TV?

It's not weird, Dad. It's SlimFast.

- Tell me more.
- You got it, Andrew.

World Champion baseball
manager Tommy Lasorda

has conquered hunger cravings forever.

Hey, I saw that product
advertised on the TV!

I just happen to have that
commercial already in the VCR.

Shall we?

Well, I lost pounds in three months.

I have a delicious
shake for breakfast...

God, I hate the Dodgers. Turn it off!

That's Tommy Lasorda? But he's so sexy!

And you can be just as sexy.

And I'm so sorry,
Barry made me say this.

You got it, Geoff. It's not
just healthy, it's delicious.

Fine. If I drink the damn shake,

will you morons leave me alone?

I'm not involved in this.

Not bad.

Hey, I don't think you
chug it all at once...

You gotta savor it. That
counts as your lunch.

No, these crab cakes are my lunch.

No, you drink that
instead of the crab cakes.

So, when do I eat my crab cakes?

Later, during your sensible dinner.

But your mom made lasagna.

Okay, you don't get the shake,
the crab cakes, and the lasagna.

Well, let's give it a sh*t, who knows?

Oh, no! You just added a ton of
milkshakes into your dad's life.

I just love having our fancy brunch
in your fancy living room, Beverly.

Oh, you're so sweet to
call it fancy, Essie.

But it is.

So fancy.

Not to be a nosy-Nellie,

but why are there
stickers on everything?

Oh, my sweet Adam and
Erica just can't wait

to claim which of my
heirlooms they want to display

for their friends and family one day.

Then why is everything
stickered for Barry?

What?

Can't be right.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK
SCREECHES] Unbelievable.

I have been collecting and curating
my whole life, and they want nothing?

My kids don't want any
of my beautiful china.

My dream has always been to pass down

my priceless Hummel
collection to my kids,

but they find them
creepy and dead-eyed.

Charles and I would like Chad
to take over the flower shop,

but he'd rather play Nintendo
and drink his precious Pepsi.

If our kids don't
want anything we value,

then why are we saving
it in the first place?

Well, my big game plan is
to get really old and die

and then they have to
take it out of obligation.

Okay, yes, we all agree your dying

would be the best-case scenario.

But that's not really
something we can explore

- as an option right now.
- Then what do we do?

If our kids aren't going to
appreciate any of this, then we will.

Starting tomorrow, I am gonna sell

everything in here and
use the money for me.

No, for us.

I'm gonna buy us all
a cruise to the Bahamas

like that Kathie Lee Gifford
sings and dances about.

Oh! Go, Bev!

Frentas forever! [LAUGHS]

All right, I'm home.

Nobody bother me!

Wow! Look who's fresh from work

and is immediately dropping
his pants at the door.

What the hell, moron?

Why is there a metal octopus in my den?

This is a Bowflex,

an all-in-one
total body sculptor

which has been assembled by the
greatest minds of my generation.

That's us.

Really hoping this bar
isn't crucial in any way.

I don't care what it is,
it's blocking my chair,

and that's where I do my best sitting.

Starting now, you only sit in this.

And through the power
of science and pulling,

it will transform your
body into Lorenzo Lamas.

I don't know who that is,

but I hate his name and
this Moron-Flex thing.

You haven't even tried it!

Watch as I flex these bows.

- Ah!
- You really want a workout?

Clean this up and take
it out to the garbage.

[SIGHS] Damn it!

Why won't he fall for my ingenious traps

of health and wellness?

Okay, you love your dad, right?

Just tell him how you feel
and stop with the tricks.

With that, Barry went and
did the next logical thing.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Coach accepts your challenge.

Molding your lumpy
father into hardened steel

will forever be my legacy.

This is a good choice.
I made a good choice.

Now that we rejected our
mom's prized possessions,

she went to the one place where
they would fetch top dollar.

Okay, our auction
begins tomorrow at noon.

You have the catalogue.
Everything is in it.

I set some preliminary prices to
get the ball rolling. Any questions?

Yes, many questions, starting
with what the [BLEEP]?

Oh, wow.

Your pricing is embarrassingly low.

Okay, well, why don't
you name some prices,

and we'll come to a happy medium.

And that's exactly what she did.

You think an umbrella stand made
of pure antique brass is $ ?

No. Try $ , .

This commode is one-of-a-kind.

I'll take no less than $ , .

This Victorian-style chandelier

needs all-new wiring and bulbs

and is $ , American.

Chippendale-style slant front desk.

It has my son Barry's name carved in it,

which makes it $ , exactly.

Semi-authentic Cherry
Blossom privacy screen.

I think . is fair,

but I don't want to seem unrealistic,

so... . .

This golden red velvet couch

is the aria of my
personal furniture opera.

I'll accept no less than $ . million.

This is priceless.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

The display of dead owls is priceless?

See, I bought them on
my honeymoon in London,

and you can't just
bring things like this

back into our country for
disease-control reasons,

so when I was at customs,

I pretended to be a science teacher

in need of them for my students.

That can't possibly be true.

That story is % real.

Which is why this item is so special,

one cannot put a monetary value on it.

Let me take a s*ab. bucks?

I hear you, and I'm willing
to go down to $ , .

ERICA: "Michael Locati
Auction House presents

"The Beverly Goldberg
Million-Dollar Estate Sale"?

Oh, my God! Is this for real?

Look, $ , for our
ugly-ass red garbage couch.

That's my couch I didn't
want! But now I do!

No, you passed on it, so now it's mine.

[RUSTLING] And I will fight you for it!

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

I wasn't just standing out here waiting,

but since I am here, I
wanted to let you know

that you're too late to
have my prized heirlooms.

But those belong to our family!

And soon they'll belong to
wealthy European tycoons.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have a Caribbean

cruise to plan with the Frentas.

Those sassy cows are living
high off our inheritance. Unreal!

Well, I suppose I do
have a few baubles left.

If either one of you
would like to claim them...

- Those baubles are mine!
- I call all the baubles!

Ohh!

Ohh, this is a big win for me.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] Gah!

Mornin', Murray Goldberg!

You did the right thing calling
in Coach from the bullpen.

- I didn't call anyone.
- I did.

Coach is here to whip
us both into shape.

- But mostly you. [CHUCKLES]
- Ho, yeah.

Now, are you ready to begin
the long, painful journey

to physical perfection? What do you say?

I say get out of my house.

Barry said you'd say those exact words.

But Coach never knows when to go away,

so pop off that shirt and let
me see what I'm working with.

Nobody's popping off anything.

Don't worry. When I'm done with you,

that shirt's gonna pop itself off.

Are you ready to feel the burn?

Of course he wasn't.

And so my dad proceeded to break down

Mellor just like he did with my mom.

You know what, Coach?

Your fiery fitness
words have me pumped up.

- Hot dog!
- Score!

Bar, go grab my walking sneakers
out of the back of my closet.

On it!

Just go easy on me.

Clearly, I'm not in
perfect shape like you.

Oh. Well, I wouldn't say "perfect."

Elite, maybe.

Are you kidding? They ought to put up a

statue of you in the town square.

Well, I'm not a vain man,

but if a statue of me inspired the town

to physical fitness, I wouldn't object.

Hey, what do you say we
stop off at the buffet

at the Ritz in Center City
and map out a game-plan?

That's the fanciest breakfast in town.

They put parsley on every plate,

even the ones that don't need it.

Your body's a fine-tuned
machine, Coach.

You need to feed it the
best triple-stack waffles

and buttermilk biscuits in town.

Well, I do allow myself
a cheat day once a decade,

and that day's arrived!

Go warm up the car.

You got it.

Today, we feast!

Hello, and welcome.

Today, we begin with items from
the Beverly Goldberg Collection.

First up is this unique
red sitting opportunity.

And the bidding begins at...

$ , .

Anyone?

Anyone?

Tell them it's a family heirloom.

My grandfather made a horse
carry it across Slovania.

The horse was proud, but never the same.

Okay. Anyone want to be a part

of this lady's upsetting history?

Anyone? What's happening?

Why is no one getting in on
that bargain basement price?

You know, if you really
wanted this to sell,

you would let me lower the
price to something like $ .

There you go. $ , going once.

That is highway robbery!

Essie, quick! Bid $ , .

I'm not doing that. Why?

Honestly, 'cause that couch looks
like it belongs in a bordello.

Fine. Virginia! You always
do what I say. Bid right now.

But I don't want to.

This fidgety blond woman
wants to bid $ , .

- I really don't!
- No, she really doesn't.

Anyone? Anyone? Any
real bids? Anyone at all?

I bid $ , .

Ignore that woman.

And sold for $ !

No! Unsold!

Next up, we have... Oh, Lord.

I bid $ million.

I'm taking it all back.
No one touch my stuff.

Happy this is over.

Moving on!

While my mom's auction
proved to be a bust,

my dad was proving that even
Coach couldn't whip him into shape.

Ugh. Tummy so full.

I gotta unbutton...

There's the stuff. Yeah.

What the hell? Why
are you slothing around

with Coach instead of getting fit?

Gimme another sleeve of
Double Stufs, Mur-Money.

Dude, your dad ruined Coach Mellor.

It's been one day! How?

I know how!

You fed him fancy foods and

compliments like with Mom, didn't you?

I didn't compliment anyone, moron.

Well, you said my calves

look like recently picked coconuts.

Right off the tree.

You leave me no choice, Father.

It's time I express my feelings for you

in a totally real and honest way.

- You can do it, Bar!
- No! Don't do it, man!

I'm scared, but there's no going back.

I can't watch this.

Prepare to hear everything
that's in my heart.

Okay, I think it's time
for ol' Coach to scoot.

- No, you stay!
- What's happening?

I want everyone to
watch me openly, directly

communicate with my dad.

What? Don't do any of that.

- This can't be done!
- Dad...

- Don't say it, man.
- I care about you.

- Oh! He said it.
- I don't know where to look.

Stop using those words at me.

You mean everything to me!

- Oh!
- Don't!

- It's too raw.
- But I mean it.

- No!
- That's no way for a son to talk to his father.

I don't have to sit here
and listen to this crap.

Don't you walk away from me.

You will listen to all my loving words!

Why are you doing this?

- Go, Murray! Go!
- Just listen to me!

I'm worried about you, okay?

Why? I'm fine.

I just want you to be
around for a long time, okay?

I'm not going anywhere, moron.

But you can be better, do better.

I need you healthy and here with me.

I want you to be at my wedding,

I want you to hold my baby someday.

I want you to be in my life for as long

as possible 'cause I love you.

For the first time ever,

my brother truly told my
dad what was in his heart.

Unfortunately, my dad
just couldn't do the same.

I don't know what you
want me to say here.

My friends are right.

There really is no
use in talking to dads.

After the big auction was a bust,

we had to bust our butts
to get everything back home.

Damn it, Adam! These
things are priceless.

Look where you're going.

No way! I can't make direct eye contact.

They'll come to life and take me.

Okay, just put it down.
You're being ridiculous.

Can't we just leave them on the curb?

The owls had a family, and
they deserve to get closure.

I'm not gonna leave my most
prized possessions on the curb.

A professional auctioneer
did certify it as trash.

All right, then set it out
with the rest of the trash.

It's all trash!

Honestly, thank you so much.

That is such a relief. [CHUCKLES]

No, don't be relieved! That
was supposed to be guilt.

What is wrong with you two?

What's wrong with you for thinking

we wanna stock our homes with golden
velvet couches and creepy owls?

'Cause it's all for you!

One of you is gonna take the owls.

I don't want an owl!

If I say take the owls,
missy, you're taking an owl!

[SCREAMS] My God!

Did you just throw a dead owl at me?

Ha!

Oh, you think that's funny?

What are you...

How dare you?

How dare you?

- Ew!
- Forget the owls and everything else!

You were right.

All my stuff is priceless
to me and nobody else.

No, don't you cry over
your crap we don't want.

- That's not fair.
- You know what's not fair?

I've been collecting
this stuff my whole life.

For you.

Mom, we didn't ask you to.

I know you didn't.

But I need to know that at some point,

[VOICE BREAKING] you're
gonna have a piece

of this family in your
house. A piece of me.

But you don't want any of it.

Clean up the owls.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Hey. What's all this?

I'm just fixing up
your body-flex gizmo.

Do me a favor. Don't
have any more of your

dumbass friends build anything for you.

Okay.

You know, I could always
use a workout buddy.

No.

Worth a try.

Hey, I'm not the kind of guy
who's ever gonna exercise.

But I do want to be there for you.

I want to see you get married.

I want to hold your baby.

I want to see you become a doctor.

I really hope so.

Don't hope.

I'll be there.

And if you're really
worried, we can go for a walk

- every once in a while.
- Really?

Just let's make sure we talk
about MacGyver and the Eagles.

No more of this, uh,
opening-up-your-heart stuff.

Heart's closed.

It better be.

Yeah, sometimes it can be hard
to be honest with each other.

But when you do find
the courage to open up,

you realize that telling the truth

is the healthiest way to communicate.

Cute photo.

Is that you?

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

I thought that couch was the
most beautiful thing in the world.

I used to fall asleep with
my head in my mom's lap,

dreaming we were European royalty.

That is a really nice story.

Well, it doesn't matter now.

Some stranger bought it and is
doing God knows what with it.

From what I heard,
it's actually being used

as the showpiece of a living room.

♪ I do believe that I've had enough

[LAUGHS]

My beautiful red couch! It's back!

The auction house gave us the
name of the guy who bought it.

You spent thousands of dollars
to get this back? For me?

Thousands, for sure.

Then let's celebrate.

Make yourselves comfortable,

and I'll go get us some
Orange Shasta and pound cake!

To eat in here? But what
about all the crumbs?

I think it's time we use our
living room for actual living.

♪ I believe it's
time for me to fly-y-y

♪ Time for me to fly ♪

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
there's only one thing

worth passing down to
the people you love,

and that's the memories
you create together.

When you carry them in your heart,

that's when you can truly fly.

[OWL HOOTS, HAWK SCREECHES]

Hi, folks. It's me, Adam. I'm back.

What we just witnessed was how...

[BELL DINGS]

[BELL DINGS]

Here we are on the red couch

made famous by tonight's episode,

and I am with the awesome
real Beverly Goldberg.

My kids used to make
fun that my living room

should've been roped off
because it was, like, fancy,

and they weren't allowed to
sit on them 'cause I'd say,

"Oh, you're gonna make
tushy prints on the velvet."

[LAUGHS]

"And you can't sit on the
sofa. It's just to look at."

It's in mint condition,
if anybody wants it.

I say you just leave it with Adam.

He's probably freaking right now.