06x10 - Yippee Ki Yay Melon Farmer

[bunniefuu]

Ah, the holidays.

A time for families to come together

and celebrate the season.

For some, it was about
finding the perfect tree.

For others, it was about the presents

you'd unwrap on Christmas morning.

But for me, it was about the movies.

One for "A Christmas Story", please.

One for "Scrooged", please.

One for "Christmas Vacation", please.

One for "Ernest Saves
Christmas", please.

Sorry, it's sold out.

Damn it, no!

I know Ernest saves Christmas, but how?

It's one of life's big questions.

Next!

Bro, help me out here.

I'm jonesing for a warm,
fuzzy holiday flick.

Anything else fit the bill?

I don't know, man. That one?

That day, I discovered the
holiday's greatest hero...

John McClane.

"Die Hard"?

How is that a holiday movie?

It takes place at Christmas?

Eh, I'll give it a sh*t.

Do you really think

you have a chance
against us, Mr. Cowboy?

Yippee ki yay [bleep]

[Laughing]

Best Christmas movie ever!

I ended up seeing "Die Hard"
six times in the theater.

And then, like any
movie-obsessed geek in the ' s,

I patiently waited for it
to premiere on network TV.

Guys, here it comes,

the greatest line in anything ever.

Do you really think

you have a chance
against us, Mr. Cowboy?

Yippee ki yay, [dubbed] melon farmer.

Sadly, network TV meant

dubbing over all the swear words.

"Melon farmer"?

What the hell's a melon farmer?

Someone who farms melons.

You think someone's sole profession

is farming melons?

Only melons?

Forget the melon farming!

They changed it for TV.

Al, listen to me.

Nobody farms just melons.

Melons and grapes, maybe.

But not just melons.

That's ridiculous.

Well, what do you know from melons?

Oh, I know melons.

I got a beautiful cantaloupe
cut up in the fridge.

Cantaloupe?

Of all the melons,

that's the one you go with?

You got a better melon?

- Honeydew.
- Honeydew?!

[Chuckles] That's madness.

Hey, Bevy, bring your father
a forkful of that cantaloupe.

Somebody call for a
forkful of cantaloupe?

I'm getting sick and
tired of the melon talk.

Eat the forkful, Al.

You'll see what I mean.

Oh, that is good.

Enough with the melons.

Just watch the movie.

Admit it.

Admit I was right about the cantaloupe.

Well, I came to the dance with Honeydew,

but it looks like I'm
going home with Cantaloupe.

Forget the melon!

Nothing like a nice
cantaloupe, am I right?

That's a nice melon.

I am so proud of that melon.

It's a nice melon.

Gah!!

You stupid melon farmers
are ruining this movie!

Mmm, that is so yummy.

Hey, pass me some of that cantaloupe.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was December -something,

and like always,

my mom was prepping for the holidays.

Feliz Navidad, suckers!

What the heck is on your
delicious little body?

What does it look like?

Now that I'm engaged to Lainey,

I get to be a Christmas fella.

- Oh, lucky!
- Such a magical season.

Well, you know what's really magical?

Hanukkah candles and spinning tops

and endless bowls...

of sour cream.

Sour cream sucks.

-Boo.
-That made me sadder.

Well, as long as you live
under my Santa-less roof,

you are a Hanukkah
boy and always will be.

No! My whole life,

I've lived in the only

dark, undecorated house on the block.

Now, thanks to Lainey,

I get to soak in how
the Christmas half lives.

I don't care if you
marry the Pope's sister.

The only thing you're
gonna be soaking in is this.

[Sweater clicks]

["I Have A Little Dreidel" plays]

[Sweater clicks] ["We Wish
You a Merry Christmas" plays]

[Both songs play simultaneously]

Oh, man! They're having
a holiday sweater-off.

Calm down, Geoff.

This may be the least important thing

that's ever happened.

[Zapping]

Hey! Ow! Ow!

[Music stops] No!

Yep, it looked like my
brother's Christmas wishes

would be granted...

or so he thought.

Holy crap.

This place looks so sad.

What am I looking at right now?

- Just Boggle night.
- C-A-T, cat.

- Way to go, Billy boy!
- Damn it.

I'm confused.

Where's the tree and lights and presents

and three ZZ Top-looking dudes

handing out Frankenstein and Myrth?

Yeah, in our family,

we don't really do any of
the yuletide festivities.

- Or mention the word.
- You mean "Christmas"?

Shhh! Don't say the "C" word.

Why can't I say "Christmas"?

Oh, God. Christmas.

You broke my heart.

Hello, remember?!

Christmas Eve is the night
my mom skipped out on us.

Ever since that night,

we don't do anything for the holiday.

Not even putting presents in the chimney

or leaving cookies in your bed

for Santa and his wife, Christmas Carol?

Wow, you really know
nothing about Christmas.

Obviously!

This was finally my chance
to eat gingerbread people

and make out under the kissy leaf.

We may not have gingerbread,

but we got beanies and
weenies on the stove.

Sit tight.

You're eating beans for Christmas?

And weenies?

This sucks!

Why do I have to marry
into the one family

that refuses to do Christmas?

Yeah, I'm sorry my mom abandoned me,

causing a lifetime of
turmoil for my dad and I

and slightly inconveniencing
your holiday plans.

In time, I feel like
it'll get easier for me.

Ugh, bad news.

Had a case of the sads last night

and ate all the weenies.

But we got beans galore!

Merry Boggle Night, Bar.

Merry Boggle Night.

All the spoons are dirty.

While Barry was "boggled"
by Lainey's Christmas,

at our house,

the holidays always
brought a special visitor.

Uncle Marvin!

Sweet ride.

It's called a Mi-ya-ta!

It's what the Hollywood Reporter calls

"safe for its size".

Since when do you read
the Hollywood Reporter?

Ever since your uncle
became a big TV star.

- What?
- Let's just say that recently

I looked directly down
the barrel of a camera,

and now the world wants
more of Mordechai Fishman.

- Who?
- That's my stage name.

- Why?
- Most actors,

they want to change their name

to something less ethnic.

But when they zig, I zag!

That's genius, Morty!

So, what's the show?

Oh, it's only the biggest hit on TV.

"Mr. Belvedere"?

Bigger and better.

Better than "Belvedere"?
That's not possible.

It's a gritty new police show.

And when it airs, oh-ho-ho,

I am going to be a major
player in the industry.

Dude, my dream is to be a
major player in the industry!

Then why don't we two major
players in the industry

cook up a project together?

Yeah.

Now that you're a real working actor,

let's join forces and
pitch our own "Die Hard"!

You mean the action movie?

Wait a minute. That's already been done.

Exactly. It's a huge hit,

which means Hollywood's gonna buy

a ton of shoddy,
poorly-written carbon copies.

I can write poorly.

This is perfect for us!

Hey, Dad, Uncle Marvin's gonna parlay

his new TV connections

into a huge sale for us.

Hey, that's fantastic!

Okay, if that's sarcasm,

then I got something for you
to look at right here, mister.

Good for you!

Look at it!

It's a Hollywood contract,

and it's from the Fox
Broadcasting Company,

which proves that it's real.

That's fantastic!

What is happening? Why
are you believing in me?

'Cause that's what I do.

No, you don't.

Every holiday, you accuse me
of being a liar and a con-man,

and then you literally say,
"I don't believe in you".

This year, I've decided
to just kick back

and enjoy the holidays,

so have at it!

- Mur-man's on board.
- Whoo-hoo!

As we ran off to take
Hollywood by storm,

my mom was brewing up a plan

to keep her Hanukkah boy at home.

Seasons greetings, handsome.

Whoa.

What is all this?

Oh, just a typical Hanukkah.

Maybe you call Bill and Lainey,

and invite them over
for a casual Ha-nook.

Okay, what's going on?

Mom's doing that thing
where she turns the holidays

into a terrible competition
where no one wins.

If that was true,

then why is my nickname

Easy Breezy Holiday Bevy?

It's not.

You got in a battle over Christmas

with the Kremps,

Thanksgiving with Bill Lewis...

Hanukkah with my parent

Fourth of July with the Karps,

Presidents' Day with that car dealership.

For your information,

stealing a celebration out
of another family's arms

is just the way I
show my holiday spirit.

[Scoffs] Well, there's no
need to compete with Bill.

Why? 'Cause nothing can
compete with Christmas?

No, no, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand but good.

I don't care how many
presents were under that tree

or how many hams were glazed,

I will do whatever I have to do

to keep my babies home
with me for the holidays.

In that moment, Barry realized

that he could use our
mom's holiday desperation

to his advantage.

I don't know if you can compete, Mom.

I mean, their Christmas was big.

Oh, Mama can go big.

But they had a -foot
tree, tons of tinsel,

vats of bread pudding,
life-sized Nutcracker men,

candy cane swords, an eggnog ice luge,

gum drop pillows,

a working toy shop with elves,

and an appearance by the man himself.

- Santa?!
- Not now, Geoffrey!

Yes, Santa.

With all his reindeer.

It was legendary.

Oh, you want legendary?

Erica, Geoff,

get your butts to the Baderwood market.

I'm gonna need pounds of potatoes

and all the sour cream
you can fit in the car.

- Nah.
- Yes, ma'am!

I don't know, Mom.

Hanukkah lasts eight nights.

There's no way you can sustain

that kind of awesomeness for that long.

Well, buckle up, Schmoo.

The festival of lights
is about to get nasty.

Dude, what was all that about?

Lainey and Bill don't even do Christmas.

I know!

They eat beans from a can like drifters.

Then why'd you get Mom all riled up?

Think about it.

Hanukkah is one lame holiday

that drags on for a whole week.

But imagine if each night
was better than the last.

Oh, my God.

Did you trick Mom into making

every night of Hanukkah
Christmas morning?

If you put it that way,
it sounds really messed up.

To be clear, I think it's awesome.

I just wanted to make
sure I knew the plan.

Later, turd.

All right,

I am freshly showered, and
I am ready to brainstorm.

Go!

Okay, everyone knows the
best part of "Die Hard"

is that the whole movie is
set in a building, right?

So, I've been thinking
of a ton of locations

to die hard in.

Mm, I love how you're thinking
inside of the box here, kid.

What do you got?

"Die Hard" in a mall.

- It's too easy.
- Next.

"Die Hard" in a water park!

It's too wet. Next.

"Die Hard" on a moon base.

Boring. Next.

"Die Hard" in an airport.

Lame. Next.

"Die Hard" on a bus!

That's the stupidest
idea I've ever heard.

All I got left is "Die
Hard" in a tree house.

"Die Hard" in a tree house?

- I don't like it.
- You love it?

Oh, man, you ruined the moment
by saying what I was gonna say.

It just seemed kinda obvious. [Scoffs]

Hey, Mur, if you need us,

we're gonna be in the basement

working on our movie pitch.

That sounds fun.

We're gonna sh**t a sizzle reel.

It's a sales tool to help
sell our movie to Hollywood.

Great idea!

Marvin gave me his word

our movie will be seen
up on the big screen.

There ya go.

I have my hopes up so much!

Absolutely!

[Chuckling] Murray!

Did you hear that cockamamie scheme?

You gotta shut it down.

Not anymore.

I'm done shutting it down.

But what about Adam?

When Marvin doesn't come through,

the boy will be crushed.

- Yeah.
- You got to stop 'em.

Look, it's the holidays.

There's so much feel-good TV on.

I'll find something fun and enjoy it.

♪ Bad boys, bad boys ♪

Yep, to my dad,

the bad boys of "COPS"
brought pure holiday joy.

Dispatch: - .

Got a - ,

white male wearing a
striped robe in the ally.

[Dumpster clanging]

Bring me up to speed, Andrew.

I'll handle this, Andy.

My crooked landlord locked me out,

and if he doesn't give me my keys back,

I am going to take his Miata!

Murray, that's your brother!

- He's on "COPS".
- I can see he's on "COPS".

- Also, there's a...
- Hey!

You'll never catch me, bacon!

I do not consent to search!

I do not consent to search!

[Grunts]

[Garbage cans clanging]

[Grunts]

[Siren chirps]

[Grunts] Get behind!

Aah!

Wait a minute. I want
your badge numbers!

Hey, what's with the camera crew?

I'm on TV?

Marvin's on "COPS", Murray.

You gotta shut it down!

I gotta shut it down! He's on "COPS".

And with that,

my dad knew his vacation was over.

Marvin's on "COPS".

Me and my uncle were ready to hit it big

with "Die Hard" in a tree house...

which meant ripping
off actual "Die Hard".

- We could totally do that.
- For sure.

Aah!

But jumping off a tree house
was harder than it looked.

Sorry about your tree house, man.

Dude, don't be sorry.

I got it all on camera.

Really?

Even the part when I was
dangling from the hose,

and then I split my pants,

and then the tree house
buckled under my weight,

- and I fell and I hit my head?
- All of it!

Hey, your mom's only
got the Hanukkah train

for another hour.

So, go get a ride while you can.

I want to talk to your uncle.

All right!

The Mur-Man wants a
piece of the action.

Clear the set, kid.

Let the money guys talk.

So, you wanna invest?

- You were on "COPS".
- It aired?

They said they were gonna tell me!

How did I look?

Like a criminal because,
you know, "COPS"!

Well, an opportunity
is what you make of it.

You really think "COPS"
is your big opportunity?

The producers said
that I should call them

any time that I have an
argument with the police.

That is a Hollywood connection, Mur.

No! You're an adult, Marvin.

Why is it always the same with you?

'Cause I am always the same!

Every holiday,

I say next year I'm gonna be better,

but it never changes.

Then it's time to start.

You shut it down.

Do the right thing and
tell Adam the truth.

You're right.

It's time that I stop depending on you

and take some real
responsibility in my life.

[Tires screeching]

♪ Whatcha gonna do ♪ [Sighs]

♪ Whatcha gonna do when
they come for you? ♪

Probably should have shut it down.

While Marvin ditched our partnership,

my mom was luring in the Lewises

with an epic Night One of Hanukkah,

which included a Hanukkah tiki hut,

Hanukkah chocolate fountain,

and Hanukkah champagne tower.

Hot damn.

My accountant friend said
this is a minor holiday.

Guess he was just yankin' my chain.

Oh, it's nothing.

Honestly, I forgot it was Hanukkah

till about an hour ago.

Life-changing gift, anyone?

A ' Fender twin reverb amp?

A pitching wedge with my name on it?

And I got a sensible
leather attaché case!

Thanks, Mrs. G.

What can I say?

It's just an average night of Hanukkah

here at the Goldbergs'.

And it only gets better from here, Bill!

It gets better?

Infinitely.

It's God's number-one rule.

Every night must be more
awesome than the last.

Uh, right.

If you'll excuse me, I just
need to get to the mall,

supermarket, bakery, butcher,
and bank before they close.

Hoo-wee!

I cannot wait for Night Two.

Happy Night Two.

Which added Hanukkah popcorn,

a full Hanukkah dessert bar,

and Hanukkah cotton candy?

Hot Hebrew ham, nothing can b*at this.

Nothing except Night Three.

Happy Night Three.

Which now had Hanukkah snow cones,

Hanukkah pizza buffet,

and I guess a Hanukkah casino?

Sweet chocolate money,

now this is the night of all nights.

Sounds like a man who
hasn't seen Night Four.

Bill: [Chuckling]

Happy Night Four.

Look, I'm the rich kid
from "Silver Spoons"!

I don't care what
happens tomorrow night,

there's no way to top this.

You might think that,

but we're only halfway through.

I'm just gonna close
my eyes for a minute,

but don't worry.

I can still serve.

My family's Hanukkah sucks.

That night, my mom
b*rned out on Hanukkah,

and the next day,

I was about to be b*rned by my uncle.

Hey, Dad, have you seen Uncle Marv?

The trailer for "Die
Hard " comes out today.

We were gonna pay to see
"Ishtar" and then bail.

Yeah, thing is, he's
not gonna call you back.

Uncle Marvin knows how
important this is to me.

He promised to get our movie idea

onto the big screen.

You'll see.

But say it doesn't happen.

You'll still be fine, right?

In that purely hypothetical situation,

no, I'll be utterly destroyed.

How about...

I'll take you.

Perfect!

Uncle Marvin can meet us there.

You can munch on popcorn and your words.

Popcorn? That's how they get you.

We'll make our own.

There's no time to make popcorn.

Well, fine.

I got a refrigerator full of cantaloupe.

We'll bring that.

You can't bring cantaloupe
into a movie theater!

Of course you can.

Cantaloupe's the popcorn of fruit.

You can't sit in a theater
and eat a plate of cantaloupe!

Who said anything about plates?

We're gonna bring a Kn*fe

and cut it up nicely in our laps.

So, now we're cutting
a giant, juicy melon

in the dark?

It's a two-minute trailer!

Fine, princess!

We'll take the melon baller.

Gives you two different size balls.

Don't bring the melon.

Uncle Marvin'll buy me the popcorn.

I'm gonna bring the melon.

Kudos.

You've made it through
the festive gauntlet

of the first seven nights.

Your reward? Night Eight.

I can't wait for it to begin,

but I don't want it to end.

I haven't felt this alive in years!

Hey, look, it's Chinese food

and hard candies?

Where's the seven-course,
potato-based feast

and some kind of motorized dune buggy?

Oh, so tired.

I'm sorry, Squishy.

Hanukkah broke Mama.

What's going on here?

Nothing.

Let's just go back to your house

for beans and sad Boggle.

Bill, I give up.

Take my boy and do Christmas.

I don't wanna do Christmas.

Oh, you have to do Christmas.

You can't force Christmas
on me, you monster!

Wait, did you not tell your mom

- we don't celebrate Christmas?
- What?

Funny story that I'll relay to you all

privately and separately.

So this whole thing
is not normal Hanukkah?

No! [Scoffs]

By the eighth night,

I'm giving away socks and dental floss

and whatever loose mints
I can pick out of my purse.

So, this was just a lie from Beverly

spurred on by a lie from Barry?

- Kinda.
- It's not great.

The only thing I wanted for the holidays

was to be part of a family again.

I didn't need gifts or some big party.

I thought you guys felt the same way.

After ruining the
holidays for the Lewises,

my mom and Barry had to come together

to pull off a Christmas miracle.

Children, I've gathered you here tonight

because of a true holiday disaster.

We need to throw a
last-minute Christmas

for people who hate Christmas

'cause we ruined Hanukkah for them

after a series of lies and deceit.

Okay, he's exaggerating,
but yeah, % yes.

Wait, are you saying we
get to save Christmas?

- I've always wanted to save Christmas.
- Calm down, Geoff.

We haven't heard how dumb this is.

Okay, I've been listening to
the Christmas radio station

nonstop for five minutes,

and I know exactly

what we need to give Bill and Lainey.

- Really?
- It's all right there

in the "The Twelve
Days of Christmas" song.

Erica, Geoffrey, write this down.

- On it!
- No.

- First up, we need a Partridge Family CD.
- I think you mean

- partridge in a pear.
- Buh-bup!

We also need Willis Drummonds,

Roddy Pipers, Laineys dancing.

It's "ladies dancing."

Why would Lainey's name

be in a song from years ago?

That's where this
breaks down for you, Mom?

We also need nine Cloris Leachmans,

eight maids a sweeping,

seven Sprites for swigging,

six -piece nuggets,

five onion rings,

four Larry Birds, three french fries,

two leather gloves,

and, of course, a Partridge Family CD.

I'll get the fries, nuggets,
Sprite, and Larry Bird.

I guess!

You focus on the rest. Move!

Okay, it's up to you and me.

Oh, you'll actually help me?

Normally, never,

but you royally screwed
this up for Bill and Lainey,

so what do you need?

Trees, lights, stockings,
nutcrackers, everything.

Let's move!

You do know it's Christmas
Eve and everything's closed.

True. [Sighs]

But the Kremps went skiing,

and I'm supposed to be taking
care of their dog, Daisy.

So, we're gonna break into the Kremps',

steal their Christmas,

and then break into the Lewises'

and give them the
Christmas we just stole?

It's not great.

This whole thing.

It's just, it's not great.

To be clear, I think it's awesome.

I just wanted to make
sure I knew the plan.

With that, they were off

to make the holidays right.

And when my uncle didn't
show up to that theater,

I realized I was wrong
to have trusted him.

Look, your uncle likes to
make a lot of crazy plans,

and usually I shut him down, but...

Shh! It's starting.

[Dramatic music plays]
_

In this tree house,
high above the backyard,

the last thing cop
Don McShane wants to be

is a hero.

We got hostages in the tree house.

But not everybody gets what
they want for Christmas.

_

Yippee ki yay, melon farmer.

Oh, my God. It's my movie.

This channel is reserved
for emergency calls only.

Does it sound like
I'm ordering a pizza?

That day, I didn't see the
trailer for "Die Hard ".

For the first time ever,

I saw something I
wrote on the big screen,

and my life changed forever.

And I had one man to thank for it.

Uncle Marv totally came through.

He really did.

Turns out, my dad saw
a side of Uncle Marvin

he'd never seen before,

a side he could trust.

Hey. Marvin, wait up.

It's fine.

Don't make a big thing out of it.

How did you do that?

I realized you were
right, so I came back,

and I bribed the guy
in the projection booth.

Well, you did a nice thing.

I felt like I owed it to Adam.

Man, that kid means the world to me.

Looks like this whole me
not shutting you down thing

worked out okay this year.

You know what?

Maybe it's time for me

to start cleaning up my own messes.

I think next year,

things are gonna be different with you.

That's usually my line.

After you tell me that
you don't believe in me.

Yeah, but after the way
you came through this time?

I do believe in you.

Looking back,

that year was filled
with holiday miracles,

and not just for my family.

What's all this?

Little Goldbergs Christmas
for our favorite family.

How did you even get in here?

Santa has his ways.

Guys, this is beautiful,

but we don't do this kind of thing.

Well, you do now.

'Cause even though you lost
some family on Christmas,

now you've gained a whole new one.

[Music played]

That sounds nice.

Good.

'Cause now we can make some
new traditions, together.

Truth is,

every family celebrates the
holidays in their own way.

And while some of those
traditions go back generations,

the most exciting traditions

are the new ones you form

with the people you love at your side.

Yippee ki yay, melon farmer.

And for me and my family,

our favorite tradition
was sitting together

and watching the greatest
Christmas movie ever.

_

["Die Hard" plays on TV]

[Bell dings] _

Quick, change the
channel. I'm on TV again.

- No way! What show?
- It's a hit legal drama.

"l.A. Law"?

Would you just change
the channel already, man?

What you are witnessing is real.

The participants are not actors.

Both parties have agreed
to dismiss their court cases

and have their disputes settled here,

"The People's Court".

Fun fact,

Wapner does not like it
when you bang his gavel.

- Huh.
- He hates that.