05x05 - Jackie Likes Star Trek

[bunniefuu]

Ah, Nerd love.

The beautiful union
of comic book junkies

with the same pop culture interests.

Back in the ' s, before the Internet,

it was impossible to
find your geeky soulmate.

But, by sheer fate, I met Jackie Geary,

and, man, was the force of
nerd love strong with us.

I can't believe you made me
a Beaker from the Muppets!

You so get me!

[Imitates Beaker]

She really did get me.

We all loved the same
marshmallow-based movies.

We both wore geeky T-shirts.

And we were even the
only two kids in class

to spend our allowance on a modem.

It was pure, awkward nerd
love, and I was in deep.

When Jackie kissed me,

I lost all sense of
space, time, and words.

Mo!

Yes!

Ed McMahon!

You are correct, sir!

And then it all came crashing down.

Boom! Halloween just got awesome.

We're gonna be the universe's
greatest power couple,

Han Solo and Princess Leia.

"Star Wars."

Um, polite pass.

Wait, you don't like "Star Wars"?

How do you not like "Star Wars"?

Everyone likes "Star Wars."

Well, sure, I enjoy lighter fare

just as much as the next girl.

It's about the "Dark Side"!

How can it be lighter fare?

In the last movie, there
were walking teddy bears.

They're Ewoks!

And they helped defeat the damn Empire!

No, no. [Exhales sharply]

Let's not yell.

We're just calmly debating.

The truth was out.

Jackie liked stupid "Star Trek"!

Actually, there is no debate.

"Trek" is better because it's about

humanity's quest for
knowledge and peace.

A quest for peace in
the stars means no wars,

which means the entire
point of "Star Trek"

is to eliminate "Star Wars"!

No, no!

We're just talking!

I'm not super angry at all!

This is our first costume as a couple.

It's a very big statement,

which is why I should be
Uhura and you should be Spock.

You want me to go out in public

with a bowl cut and pointy elf ears?

No, no.

[Exhales sharply] We're in love.

Which is why we should get
an independent third party

with no skin in the game.

Father? Which do you like best?

"Star Wars" or "Star Trek"?

Which is the one with the purple fish?

Neither of them have purple fish.

"Star Wars" has got the guy
with the little feet, right?

I have no idea who you're talking about!

- Do you mean Yoda?
- No...

- Hammerhead?
- No...

- Jawas?
- No!

I'm talking about the one
guy with the weird head.

- You mean Jabba the Hutt?
- No.

- Greedo?
- No.

- Admiral Ackbar?
- No.

Aunt Beru?

Aunt Beru?!

Gah!

I can't do this right now!

Jackie and I have major
problems to deal with.

And that is how you get out of

a ridiculous conversation.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was Halloween, -something,

and my brother was conjuring

the restless spirts of the dead,

with a toy he bought for bucks.

- J-T-P.
- J.T.P.

- Dude, you're pushing it.
- No, you're pushing it.

You're all pushing it!

What if... nobody's pushing it?

Whoaaaaa.

I'll go first.

Oh, mystical Ouija.

Will there ever be more
lenient laws on public nudity?

Please say yes. Come on!

- Yes! Naked Rob wins!
- I got one.

Will I still hit that
senior-year growth spurt

my mother promised me?

My mother lied!

My turn!

Dear Mr. Ouija, I know
me and Lainey broke up,

but does she still love me

with every fiber of her slammin' bod?

- Dude!
- Forget Lainey.

I can't help it!

She's visiting Erica this weekend.

It's like every time I close my eyes,

I smell her Debbie Gibson
"Electric Youth" perfume.

That's just me.

What? It's unisex.

Let the Ouija answer!

Does Lainey want me back?!

Now, gently rest your fingers

upon the plastic pointer thingy.

Oh, no, my life is worthless!

But, will Barry instead
marry Alyssa Milano

and have three kids and six jet skis?

Interesting.

Okay, next question, Mr. Ouija.

Will I be a multi-platinum
rap sensation

and own my own brand
of diet soft drinks?

- Come on.
- Get over here.

You see? It is you guys moving it!

Dude, when you ended things with Lainey,

you both promised to
give each other space.

- We just want to see you happy.
- You're right.

No more calling Lainey.

On an unrelated note, Geoff,
what's my sister's number?

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Just making my weekly phone call

to make sure our bond is still strong.

You have never once called
me before this very moment.

The last words you said to me were,

"Your bedroom is now my fart closet."

[Laughs] That does sound like me.

Anywho, how's it going? Having fun?

Learning stuff?

Are you near Lainey?

And I don't care about you!

Put her on the phone!

Dude, no.

I'm gonna do what's best
for both of you right now

and hang up.

Please, Lainey, come back!

Dude, he is obsessed.

[Scoffs] So emotionally out of control.

- Gosh, I miss that cute, shouty, red face.
- Stop.

You both agreed that radio
silence was for the best.

I guess.

It's just so much harder than I thought.

Well, tonight's Halloween party

is the biggest rager of the year.

Forget my lame brother.

You're right. I'm
gonna go get my costume.

Let's Barry.

I mean party. Ugh!

[Background Music Playing]

Pops, thank God you're here!

There's a major crisis
between me and Jackie.

Only my love guru can help.

This is why I sit here waiting all day.

Lay it on me, kiddo.

Hang on to your hat.

Turns out, Jackie likes "Star Trek"

more than "Star Wars."

What do I do?

- About what?
- It's a fact.

Force Freaks and
Trekkies never get along.

We're sworn enemies.

Okay, here's what you do.

- Nothing. 'Cause it's all dumb.
- Dumb?!

If I date a Trekkie,

I lose all my street cred with my boys!

And just where is this street,

and who are these boys?

Me and Jackie are doomed.

There's no saving this relationship.

Pardon me.

I couldn't help but overhear

through the vent in
the upstairs bathroom.

Schmoo, if you want relationship advice,

just look at me and your dad.

We've been making it work for years.

Makin' it work!

Sure, we bicker.

But in the end, we always compromise.

Right you are!

There's no reason you can't do that

with your space movies, right, Mur?

When you're right, you're right, Bevy.

[Laughs] He's a lug,

but I love him.

Lady loves a lug.

[Smooches]

Smack-diggity!

Don't do a damn thing she said.

Uh, what? But, I...

Shut up, shut up! Listen to me.

In any healthy relationship,
there is no compromise.

- So what is there?
- Total defeat.

Your only choice?

- Become a shell of a man.
- What?

That sounds like a horrible way to live.

It is, but it works.

It keeps your mom and I chugging along.

And that's what I want with Jackie.

To chug forever.

Then meet me in your
room in five minutes.

- Can't we just...
- No!

[Whispering] It's not safe here!

It's not safe.

While my dad was acting spooky,

Barry was feeling haunted
by his own lost love.

[Spooky music plays]

Hello? Someone there?

Lainey?!

I'm telling you!

I saw her clear as day in the Wawa.

Dude, there's no way it was Lainey.

She's with Erica, remember?

Which is why

there's only one other
logical explanation...

I'm being haunted by the blonde spirit

of my broken relationship.

This is our fault.

We tried to used the Ouija
to get you over Lainey,

but instead, we just
got her into your head.

No, Matthew.

You think it was all a game,

but much like the horror
masterpiece "Witchboard,"

you've opened a portal
to the other side.

[Doorbell rings]

Run home.

Run home!

There are ghosts everywhere!

Enough, man!

We were pushing around
a tiny plastic triangle

I bought at a toy store.

Which is exactly how
"Witchboard" started.

- Oh, no!
- Dude, don't encourage him!

[Doorbell rings]

When will you learn?!

None of you are safe!

Look at me, bro.

There is no ghost of Lainey.

[Doorbell rings] [Sighs]

We need to talk.

Aah! It's a sexy ghost!

As my brother came face
to face with his past,

my dad was gonna help me
secure my future with Jackie.

Son, today, I'm gonna pass on to you

my greatest legacy...

How to be a shell of a man.

Your legacy seems sad.

- This is all I've got.
- Totally fair.

Lesson one,
the think 'n' nod.

When your woman's
asking you your opinion,

you act like you're thinking about it,

and then you nod in agreement.

But if my answer is always a dumb nod,

won't Jackie catch on?

You'd think so.

But deep down, they
don't want our opinions.

- But I...
- Lesson two, the smile and echo.

Whenever your girl is jabbering on,

you smile at her

and then you echo the
last thing she says to you.

That can't possibly work.

Bevy, what was that thing

you wanted me to do with the thing?!

You mean shopping for towels?

Yeah, shopping for towels.

Don't you worry.

I just picked up this adorable set

from the clearance bin.

Don't you love them?

I love them!

And I love you.

In fact, I'm gonna go make you

that butterscotch
pudding you like so much.

See?

I like getting along.

I gotta take some notes!

No, no! There can't be a paper trail!

Don't worry, I'll write it in code.

Question.

Isn't it soul crushing to
never share your opinions?

Sure.

But that brings us
to our final lesson,

- the tampening.
- The tampening?

You tamp down all the rage and fury

deep into your body like this.

Watch.

[Exhales slowly]

That can't be good for you.

But the pudding helps.

Armed with my dad's shameful legacy,

I decided to put his
love tips to the test.

Hey. There she is.

Jackie!

Crackerjack!

Jack-o-lantern!

Halloween!

Hey, I know that we left things off

on a weird note.

Nah... We're good.

I was ready to finally become a man.

By becoming a shell of one.

Actually, I've come around
on the "Star Trek" thing.

Wait, really?

You're gonna be my Spock?

And so, I hit Jackie
with each and every one

of my dad's relationship techniques.

I nodded...

- I'll... I'll be your Spock.
- Oh, my God!

You're, like, the best boyfriend ever.

- ...and I echoed.
- I am, like, the best boyfriend ever.

and finally...

I rented "Star Trek
IV: The Voyage Home."

Should we watch it?

Mm...

...And I tampened like
I'd never tampened before.

Come on.

[Groans]

Yeah. I will watch your thing.

That day, I made my dad a proud man.

Okay.

- And that's why I became a father.
- Really?

You became a dad

so you could teach your
son to be a jackass?

Hey! There she is!

Stop it!

How could you teach him
all these terrible tricks?

What tricks?

The think 'n' nod? The smile and echo?

How'd you learn about those tricks?

Adam wrote 'em down!

You cracked Adam's code?

You mean just not using vowels?

Yes.

How could you teach our son

that that's how our relationship works?

Because that is how it works.

You don't want my opinions
about how ugly your towels are.

You hate my towels?

Those towels are soft and beautiful.

Mm, those towels are soft and beautiful.

Well, thank you. I mean, that's...

Oh, oh, gah! Stop it!

All right, listen to me.

No more being a shell of a man.

From now on, you're gonna
be filled with opinions!

- And pudding?
- No!

I want your thoughts and
feelings on everything,

so Adam can see how we compromise.

Now we are gonna go to the store,

and you are gonna pick out the towels.

I told you not to write
it down, you moron!

What's that all about?

Who knows?

Let's just focus on the
thing we both love...

"Star Trek IV, Spock
Does San Francisco."

You ruined a life today!

[Background Music Playing]

True. And yet, I saved my relationship.

Thanks to my dad's tampening technique,

I survived two whole
hours of "Star Trek"

with my girlfriend.

You know what? This movie's right.

We really do have to save the whales.

We do have to save the whales!

It's all so brilliant and preachy.

No, no. Tamp it down.

What?

[Stammers]

Love you!

Oh, sweet balls! I was
in science fiction hell.

Meanwhile, Barry was back
in a Lainey-filled paradise.

So that was you at the Wawa.

I thought you were
visiting Erica this weekend?

I bailed and hopped a bus here.

I just had to see you.

I knew it!

Let me finish, Barry.

I came back to say this face to face.

I'm in Georgia now.

I've moved on. It's time
for you to move on, too.

You're right.

Thank you for being so
mature and understanding...

And so, they finally moved on.

- Or not.
-Because I love you

and I want you back now!

Say yes or I will literally die!

I knew it again! Yes!

Someone do something!

Guys, we all know how hard it is,

but don't just jump back into this

without really thinking it through!

Okay.

And think they did.

Searching deep in their hearts.

And then said screw it.

♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪

Guess who's back together
and in total love?

[Bleep]

♪ Where the eagles cry ♪

Start clapping,

or I'll fight everyone in this gym!

♪ On a mountain high ♪

Barry and Lainey's love
was lifted to new heights.

Meanwhile, I was looking like

a dumb-ass Keebler Elf with a bowl cut!

Aww! You look as cute as a button.

I do look as cute as a button.

We're gonna have the
best Halloween ever.

We are gonna have the
best Halloween ever.

You're acting weird.

I am acting weird.

[Chuckles] See?

We agree on everything and you're happy.

Hey, Adam!

Come in the bathroom
and take a look at this!

You won't believe it!

Uh, I think we all have a sense

of what you're capable of, Dad!

Just get in here!

See this?!

We went shopping, I gave my opinion,

and now I got the towel of my dreams!

Yep, all dad's love huge,
comfy, plain white towels,

and this one was the stuff of legend.

You can wrap yourself in
it like it's a bedspread,

but it's a towel.

Turns out my mom

had some tampening skills of her own.

And she used them to
desperately remain positive.

Fun fact, uh, it's so big,

I can only wash one of those at a time!

[Chuckles]

Your mom's right.

This compromise thing,
it really does work!

You can dry a van with it. Ah!

I know I told you to blindly agree

with all your girlfriend's stupid stuff,

but guess what?

They're desperate to
know how wrong they are!

What?

B... Nothing!

Just a little family towel talk.

Wait, wait. I'm wrong?

Well, that does it.

I'm bringing my towels back!

No! This is our one towel now.

It's all we need.

So you just repeat everything I say

just to patronize me?

It's better than saying the
one thing you love the most

is boring as balls!

Boring as balls?

You didn't even want my opinion.

You just want everything on your terms!

But my terms make sense,

unlike the preposterous
size of that towel!

Trekkies have four
movies and two TV shows,

and all your people have

is just a mere trilogy to sell toys.

"You people"?

Oh, wow! You went there pretty quick!

This was never about my
big, thirsty towel, was it?

It's about you preferring me as a shell.

Fine. Take your giant towel!

You can go dry a street
or suck up a river!

I will never be your Trekkie!

Ever!

Well then, maybe you
shouldn't be my boyfriend!

This is your fault!

Hey, you ruined my thing, too.

This is what I get for
modeling my relationship

after two crazy people!

I know he's upset,

but we need to get Adam back in here.

It's gonna take at least
three of us to fold this thing.

As two Goldberg relationships crumbled,

one was still standing on two feet.

Hey, Bar? It's been an hour.

I don't think you have to
keep carrying her around

like she's Debra Winger.

I'll carry Lainey in my arms

until everyone in here knows

I am the officer and
she is my gentleman!

- Aww!
- Barry and Lainey were flying high,

till reality crashed the party.

Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?!

- Erica?!
- Erica?! Aah!

- Erica! So glad you're finally here!
- Hi, baby.

Now our couples costume makes sense.

See? I'm Marty McFly and you're his mom.

Oh, boy, what have we done?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

We were by the keg chatting
up two hot frat guys,

and then I turned
around and you were gone!

This is probably a bad time,

but you look super hot,

even though you're technically my mom.

Gross. But thanks.

I'm sorry I ditched you,

but I did leave a
note on the punch bowl.

Oh, you mean this sticky red napkin

that says "Bye"?

I just came back here to
tell Barry it's totally over.

But, in a surprising
twist, we got back together!

- Aren't you happy for us?
- No!

Long-distance relationships
are the worst and never work.

Yes! b*ating the odds!

See? You guys make it work.

Yeah, but we barely see each other.

And our phone bills are out of control.

I had to start mowing lawns.

Manual labor?

Big Tasty's more of

a corner-office,
feet-up-on-the-desk kinda guy.

Not to mention,

we're just three hours
away from each other.

Georgia's only...

hours away.

They're right, Barry.

And so, that dark Halloween night,

Barry and Lainey finally saw the light.

It's over again.

Oh, Lainey.

It may have been Halloween,

but the scariest thing in our house

was what was going on between my folks.

Dad, thank God you're here!

There is a major crisis
between me and Murray

and we need your help.

Well, I'm for , but
let's give it a sh*t.

Great. Which towel do you like best?

The entire life we've
built depends on it.

Dammit!

Why does everyone around
here fight over such nonsense?

Do I really need to be here for this?

Yes, you need to see how a
healthy relationship works!

Pick my towel, Daddy!

Well, this one is the ugliest
shade of brown I've ever seen.

And this big one looks like
the sail of a clipper ship.

- Gah! Who asked you?!
- You did!

Can I go back to being sad and alone?

No.

Adam... I'm sorry we mixed in.

The truth is,

I talk a big game about compromise,

but deep down...

[Sighs]

...I am a lady who
likes to call the sh*ts.

And deep down, I'm good with that.

Really? You mean that, Mur?

More than anything.

See? We do compromise...

- just in our own way.
- I get it.

Even if it is super unhealthy
and a terrible example.

But it works for us.

And you and Jackie will figure out

what works for you, too.

But deep in my heart, I already knew.

♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪

That night, my crazy
parents made me realize

there's no shortcuts when
it comes to relationships.

And when it came to Jackie,
I'd do the unthinkable.

I'd boldly go where no "Star Wars" fan

had gone before.

Oh, it's you.

What do you want?

Look, you know I get all flustered,

so I'm gonna let "Star
Trek" do all the talking.

[Speaking Klingon badly]

You do know that that was
complete gibberish, right?

I tried learning Klingon.

- For me?
- Yeah.

All I'm trying to say is...

I love you.

I know.

Wait, are you quoting
the Carbonite scene

from "Empire Strikes Back"?

I am quoting the Carbonite scene

from "Empire Strikes Back."

Okay, that's the smile 'n' echo.

With that, me and Jackie were back.

But for my brother,
love had no easy answer.

Hi, Mr. Ouija.

I know this is asking a lot,

but please,

we need to know.

Will we end up together?

Sometimes the hardest thing about love

is realizing no one has all the answers.

I was really hoping it would work.

Us, or the Ouija?

Both.

I'll always love you, Barry Goldberg.

You know that, right?

Truth is,

there's no trick to making
a relationship perfect.

Looks like you got through to them.

Well done.

Why do I feel so lousy?

'Cause you were right.

Long distance really does suck.

But it's worth it.

At least for us.

And how can you be so sure?

Does that answer your question?

For sure. It's totally worth it.

♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪

That towel takes up half the closet.

You know what? [Grunts]

I think it's growing on me.

♪ Where the eagles cry ♪ [Chuckles]

Sure, there will always
be bumps along the way...

...but when you find
that perfect person...

there's nothing better in the universe.

Adam: Admit it. You like
"Star Wars" a little.

These buns are kind of growing on me.

♪ Far from the world we know ♪

Okay, we've been through this a lot.

I just... I want you to
relax, just be in the moment,

and for the love of God,

act like you've been there.

Which I have.

So, it's so strange
that I keep acting like

I have yet to be there.

Bad start. Here we go.

That's an A+.

. GPA!

Hittin' the books, makin' the grades!

That is some quality craftsmanship.

Hand sewn!

[Bad Spanish accent]
Rich Corinthian leather!

[Normal voice] Great stuff, fine work.

Not work, play.

All work and no play
makes Adam a dull boy.

[Bad British accent] Hello, Nurse!

The doctor's in!

Your prescription's ready!

You know what?

- Let's just pick this back up tomorrow?
- That seems reasonable.