05x10 - We Didn't Start the Fire

[bunniefuu]

Ever since I was a kid, Billy
Joel was my musical idol.

I loved every album and
video, but he blew my mind

when he released a
song like no other...

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

"We Didn't Start the Fire"
was an instant classic.

The moment I heard it, I was obsessed.

♪ Joseph Stalin, Malenkov,
Nasser, and Prokofiev ♪

- ♪ Rockefeller, Campanella ♪
- What is he doing?

It's like Billy Joel is
singing, but also rapping.

No, it's like he's
rapping, but also singing.

It became a point of pride
to memorize the lyrics.

♪ ...Sugar Ray,
Panmunjom ♪ [Tape rewinds]

And back before the Internet,

the only way to learn
them was to just listen.

The hell are you doing?!

It's the middle of the night!

Dad, thank God!

It is "Pumajob?" "Pacman job?"

Put on the damn headphones.
What is he saying?

He's saying you're a moron.

Now go to bed, and
also learn some history!

And the best part? I did!

Billy Joel actually
made me good at school.

So, yes. We didn't start the fire.

In fact, it b*rned
right from Harry Truman

to the great cola wars.

[Applause]

Normally, I am not a
fan of popular music,

but this song teaches and entertains.

You don't like music?

No. I enjoy the dulcet
tones of AM talk radio.

That's sad. I feel sad for you.

I mean, traffic, sports, weather,

you've got it all! But most importantly,

Billy Joel taught me
girls dig rock stars.

♪ Rock and Roller cola wars,
I can't take it anymore ♪

Wow! That was totally badass.

You like how I flipped
over the He-Man table?

You know what? You
should perform that song

in the holiday talent show.

- You think?
- I know.

Not to completely objectify you,

but the whole thing was insanely hot.

Me, hot?

Yeahhh, oh! [Chuckles nervously]

Never thought I'd hear that from a girl.

Is it warm? My cheeks are burning.

What can I say? You make
quite the Billy Joel.

More like Boopie Joel.

♪ Schmoo didn't start the fire ♪

♪ But his cheeks are gushy
and his tushy's squooshy ♪

Give me a little nibble.

Just look away, Jackie! Look away!

I am looking away,

but there's a mirror right there.

[Growling] Aaaah!

[Laughs]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was December , -something,

and Erica was back from
college for winter break.

I have an announcement.

We've spent a lot of time together

this holiday break, too much in fact.

- You've been home for one day.
- You're feeling it, too.

Which is why I will be spending
the first night of Hanukkah

- at Geoff's house.
- What?!

His parents invited me,
and I don't want to be here,

so it's all lining up.

Murray, your daughter wants to spend

the holiest day of the
year without the family.

- Say something!
- Holy?!

Most years, we give up halfway through.

Murray, don't interrupt.

It's a very special day,
so at the very least,

we should come with you.

Ooh, one problem...

- You're not invited.
- Please.

Linda and Lou Schwartz are friends.

They'd love to have us.

You've never even talked to them.

Well, I sent Linda a
beautifully-worded note

when Murray ran over her foot.

I signed my name at the bottom.

You are not crashing their dinner,

end of story!

Damn it! Quick, grab your pants.

The Schwartzes are clearly
making a play to take Hanukkah!

Who's doing what now?

Murray, it is crucial

that we establish
ourselves as the fun parents

who host all the holidays.

That way, if Geoff and
Erica ever get married,

they come to us.

Not those bastards. Us.

Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry

about things far in the
future that I don't care about.

Oh, you better care!

Hanukkah is a gateway holiday.

If they take that, then
they take Thanksgiving,

then the th of July, then we're left

with some crap holiday, like Labor Day!

What's wrong with Labor Day?
It's quiet and we eat hot dogs!

And so my mom swore she'd win Hanukkah.

Meanwhile, I was ready
to win over the crowd.

Ow!

[Laughs]

That's the best.

Still getting used to
wearing my shades indoors

like the Piano Man.

You're no Piano Man.

Tell that to Jackie,

who strongly urged my hot
bod to do the talent show.

Come on! What upside-down
world are we living in here?

How do you have a
girlfriend and confidence

and a modest amount of popularity?

Hello!

Pops!

He's helped me with all of it.

He's even the one who gave me
the idea to serenade Jackie,

and like always, he was right.

Wait, you take love
advice from our old grandpa

who uses an entire tin of
cream cheese on one bagel?

He helps me every day. You're
just realizing that now?

That's why you're
always chatting him up?

What did you think I was doing?

I thought you were
trying to get his gold.

He doesn't have any gold.

All old people have gold.

The gold is his wisdom.

- Lame!
- Fine.

Pops is lame, and so am I.

Lame or not, Barry couldn't
deny Pops had helped me,

and so, with great humility,

he asked for guidance.

Hey! My bagel!

Forget the bagel.

Schmear me with knowledge, old timer.

Wait. Are you actually
coming to me for advice?

I realized you made Adam suck way less.

Be my sensei,

and I will follow
whatever ancient wisdom

you have in that tired
old frame of yours.

As insulting as that is, why not?

I like a good challenge.

I am a challenge.

He was, but my mom faced
an even bigger challenge,

making sure she didn't lose
Hanukkah to the Schwartzes.

Linda, my God, these
latkes are to die for!

Oh, it was nothing.

She's not one to toot her own horn,

but I will... Toot-toot!

[Chuckling]

Am I crazy, or is this
actually going well?

Oh! Almost forgot.

Presents!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Wait, wait.

No one said anything
about a gift exchange.

- We didn't bring anything.
- Oh, don't worry.

We just got you a
little something,

classic first night gift, no big deal.

Holy crap! Streisand tickets?

Summer sausage?!

Who are you?

An indestructible rubber
Sony Sports Walkman?!

I always get crappy
socks on the first night.

Not always!

Last year, we forgot
about it completely,

and then on the fourth night,
we were like, "Hanukkah!"

Ha! She's wrong. She's
a big stupid liar.

Point is, the holidays
are just as special to us.

A savings bond?

I can't touch this for years!

- So sensible!
- Look at that punim!

We're like twins! Look at us!

Well, look at this! [Laughs]

[Sing-song] We're twins, too!

Mm!

See this? This is the real gift...

Erica and the Goldbergs
here for the holidays.

It's the best! You guys are the best.

Those people are human trash!

Come on! All the man did was
give you Streisand tickets.

Third row center?

Best seats in the house?

These people are monsters
who will steal our children.

While my mom envisioned a lonely future,

Pops was reminding Barry

of his epic freshman year
talent show routine...

- Hyah!
- ...when he karate-kicked

- his way to glory.
- That was quite a night, huh?

It was the first night
Lainey noticed me.

Best of my life.

What if I said I could help you top it?

You think if I do that
show, I can get a new Lainey?

If Adam can impress a
girl with a serenade,

so can you.

And so, Barry took Pops' advice,

perhaps a little too literally.

Mr. Glascott!

Oh, my God... Oh, my Pop-Tart!

Today was my cheat day!

I have huge news.

I'm signing up for the talent show.

I know it's last minute,

but I will not take "no" for an answer.

And you won't have to.
There's like spots left.

Then consider it your lucky day

'cause you just got
yourself your opening act.

Okay, you seem way too
fired up about this.

Let me be painfully clear.

This is a holiday talent show.

None of it matters.

Oh, it matters.

This is the game-changer I need

to become the most popular
kid in high school once again!

It's really not.

Honestly, this isn't some high-stakes,

life-defining event.

It's just a wasted night.

Then it's up to me to prove you wrong.

No! Do not use me to raise
the stakes any further.

Just sign up and move on.

Mr. Glascott!

Big news, I'm gonna sing
"We Didn't Start the Fire"

at the talent show.

No one cares!

What he means to say is

you can do anything but that song.

I'm opening the show with it.

You can't just take my song.

I'm just doing as my
sensei, Pops, commands.

Pops isn't your sensei.

He's my Jedi Master,

and he'd never tell you
to do the same song as me!

Hey, Barry, heard you were

opening the talent show with Billy Joel.

Why, yes, I am, Jamie Weisman.

See you there.

What do you know? It's already working.

How the hell did she already
know you were doing the show?

It literally just happened.

She knew because Barry woke up early

and posted a few
fliers around school --

a few hundred.

Balls!

"Holiday Talent Show
featuring Barry Joel?"

Don't worry. I'm still
gonna sing our song.

It's kind of feeling
like your brother's song.

It does feel that way.

[Music played]

It was the second day of Hanukkah,

and my mom had her
eyes on the prize,

stealing the holiday
back from Lou Schwartz.

Thank you so much for seeing
me last minute, Dr. Schwartz.

That's Lou to you. We're
practically family now.

Aww. Speaking of,

I wanted to thank you for last night

by hosting you guys

for the second night of Hanukkah.

Hold still for drops.

While I do appreciate the offer,

night two is a Schwartz family favorite,

so we'll be hosting it.

Well, your son already formally RSVP'd.

I cornered him at school, and
he signed the response card.

Fine. You take night two.

We'll do nights three through eight.

Six nights and the closer?

Okay, then you can take night four.

The hump day of Hanukkah? How dare you.

How dare me, what?

I don't understand why
you're so worked up.

Cut the crap, Schwartz!

You're trying to steal
Hanukkah, and it ain't happening.

Like always, my mom had spiraled out,

but this time, she was right.

- Fine!
- I knew it!

- You got me.
- You are not taking Hanukkah.

Oh! I'm taking it.

I'm taking all the big-ticket holidays,

and you can't stop it.

Oh, I'll stop it when I throw

the most mind-blowing night
two in Hanukkah history!

- You'll see.
- Too bad you won't.

What did you do?

In a few minutes, your pupils
will dilate up real nicely.

Good luck frying up a
latke in a hazy blur.

You blinded me from Hanukkah?

Yes. For three whole hours.

You have made a dangerous
mistake, Lou Schwartz!

Blinding me has only fueled my anger,

and I will use my rage
to peel more potatoes

- than I've ever peeled!
- Better watch your fingers.

And you better bring your appetite,

'cause once I sour cream
and applesauce up a latke,

it is game, set, Hanukkah!

[Music played]

This is a w*r you won't win!

I already have!

As my mom stumbled off
to dominate Hanukkah,

my brother was mastering
Billy Joel's lyrics.

♪ Harry Truman, Doris Day ♪

Back before Google, it took
patience and a good ear.

Sadly, Barry had neither.

♪ Joe is stallin' Mellor's cough ♪

♪ Nose hairs and pro coffee pots ♪

♪ Rock your fella, salmonella ♪

♪ Chickens say "Bock!" ♪

♪ Toy bone, on the phone ♪

♪ Tossed panini, yay scones ♪

♪ Ben's friend Lew Falls ♪

♪ Walk around the block ♪

♪ Barf-O, booed a breast ♪

♪ Slamma Jamma, crew's Chest ♪

♪ Prince is great, paper plates ♪

♪ Trouble with Aunt Suzy ♪

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

♪ Blah-blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah-blah ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪

You get it! What do you think?

I think it's amazing.

Do the song exactly like that, pal.

Never let me stand in your way again.

A more insecure man would
wonder why he's so pleased.

But I'm not such a man.

Um, Bar, I think you messed up

a couple of lyrics there.

Mmm... no.

Dude, who's awful idea was this?

That'd be me.

I'm his sensei.

Mr. Grandpa, sir, I would like

to go on record and respectfully say

that your advice will
destroy Barry's life

and that you suck at this.

While Pops was regretting
the talent show,

my mom couldn't wait to show the

Schwartzes a real
Hanukkah. [Doorbell rings]

Knock, knock!

Not sure if you can
see us, but we're here!

Doesn't matter!

I can cook dinner with my eyes closed.

Come on in. Sorry the
place is such a mess.

A mess? Look at this house.

It's like a Hanukkah winter wonderland.

Yeah, what's the deal?

We usually just light a candle

and get a lame gift, like dental floss.

Stop. When it comes to
the Festival of Lights,

the Goldbergs really
know how to turn it on.

Wow. [Chuckles] That is so festive.

And dangerous.

Last thing I'd want is for
you to burst into flames

so we'd have to host
Hanukkah every year.

You know what's even better? Presents!

[Chuckles]

$ ? That's insane!

That's what you get when
you do Hanukkah here.

Remember that.

And, uh.... we have a gift for Erica.

We do?

$ .

And a shammy for your glasses.

Don't be silly. It's time for dinner.

I hope you have enough
room for eight courses.

Prepare your tummies!

- Whoa!
- Damn!

Face it, Schwartz,
you're out of your league.

That's it, We settle
this the way our people

have settled fights
for thousands of years.

- In court?
- No.

With a game of Dreidel.

Winner takes all eight nights.

And I never lose with
my lucky spinning top.

Until now.

Let's light this candle.

[Clicks]

["Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays]

♪ [Quietly] Together, we will play ♪

[Music played]

Hey, kiddo.

I've been thinking
about the talent show.

Maybe we should give that
little song back to Adam.

No can do.

I already sent Billy Joel
the parking directions.

No, that's smart,

but I think you'd make
a much bigger splash

by doing something funny.

But it took me forever
to perfectly memorize

- every word of that song!
- Bup, bup, bup.

You promised to do
everything I say, right?

Yes. Forgive me, sensei.

So, what's your idea?

The greatest Abbott and
Costello routine of all time,

guaranteed to k*ll.

It's a famous skit

about the players and their funny names.

It's called "Who's On First?"

Who?

Exactly! So you know it?

- What?
- Yes!

"What's" on second.

You started this thing! You tell me!

Okay. Let me clear this up.

"Who" is the player.

"Who" is on first.

Why won't you tell me?

You know what, I think you're
gonna need some visuals.

Then you'll know "Who's On First."

Who?

Okay, now you can clearly visualize

where each and every player is.

So, who's on first?

Easy. Von Hayes.

No. It's Who.

Who is on first.

I just told you, Von Hayes.

I'm not asking you about
the Phillies lineup.

I'm telling you. It's Who!

Von Hayes.

Okay, look at me.

Ask me the name of the
player on third base.

I don't need to ask you.

It's Mike Schmidt, right?

Wrong. This is "I Don't Know."

How do you not know Mike Schmidt?

He's a Gold Glove winner
and a perennial All Star!

Barry! Just listen!

Who is on first!

Who! I'm telling you!

Who is the name!

And I told you! His name is...

Don't you dare say Von Hayes!

[Muttering] Von Hayes.

[Music played]

Okay.

Now we're literally on a baseball field

with your friends holding up the names.

It cannot be any clearer.

So, tell me the name
of the player on third.

I Don't Know.

Barry, do you really not know

or do you know it's I Don't Know.

It's I Don't Know.

And What's on Second.

And Who's on first. Yes!

- Yeah, baby!
- Only two hours!

- Can we go home now?
- One question.

Why is it funny?

No one on Earth would
name their son Who!

- He's right.
- Kind of lame.

Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna make this actually funny

by changing all the names.

Don't change the names.

First base is Mr. ClownFarts.

Second base is Bob Frapples.

And third base is Giant [bleep]face.

No! Those aren't real names!

They're more real than
your first baseman, Mr. Who!

It makes no sense!

No parent with the
last name of [bleep]face

would name their child "Giant"! Ever!

Then what would they name him?

- Josh!
- Screw it!

I'm going back to being Barry Joel.

Barry, don't do that show.

I'm just trying to protect you here.

- From what?
- From yourself!

You don't know any of
the words to that song,

and I can't help you like
I did with the karate!

What do you mean, help?

I swapped in a board made of balsa wood!

Balsa wood better be the
strongest of all woods.

Bro, it breaks like a Kit-Kat bar.

That better be the
strongest of all candy bars.

It's not, dude.

Look, if I didn't
actually break that board,

then the best night of my
life is nothing but a lie.

That's not true, kiddo.

No. I get it.

Even you can't help me.

I'm unfixable.

As everyone waited for dinner,

my mom's plans to win Hanukkah
were spinning out of control.

Boom! Squiggly again!

Send the bread to Fred,
the Schwartzes win.

Okay, double or nothing. You
win, you get Thanksgiving.

- You're on!
- Okay.

My turn, I'll spin.

No, no, no. It's my dreidel!

- I'm the spinner!
- No, no! Mnh-mnh.

Yes! Squiggly! [Laughs]

The Goldbergs are back on the board.

Look at that! You got one.

Game's over. Happy Hanukkah.

Hey! Hey, wait! Wait!

That's six squiggles in a row.

What?

- Is this a loaded dreidel?
- No!

Did you bring a loaded
dreidel into my home?

There's no such thing.

Is that right?

[Music played]

[Gasps] You can prove nothing!

Okay, what is all the yelling about?

I thought we were
supposed to have dinner.

- Lou, what is going on?
- The kids need to pick!

Which one of us is
gonna be the fun in-laws

you spend all the holidays with?

What are you talking
about? Why is your shoe off?

He was cheating at dreidel!

Okay, everybody stop!

There is no holiday
house! We're just dating!

- Pick right now!
- Erica, say us.

Say us or I have no daughter.

You have to pick me, Geoffrey,

or you're out of my will forever!

You know, the whole
point of this holiday

was for our families to
get to know each other.

Yeah. Thanks for ruining it.

[Music played]

["Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays]

My mom may have lost
her precious holiday,

but I had found my new
act for the talent show.

Okay. What am I looking at here?

Not that it's any of your business,

but I'm working on a new super-sexy act

for the talent show.

Put the scarves away, kiddo.

You can do the Billy Joel song.

What? Barry gave up?

Mmm, just on me.

He finally came to me for help,

and I let him down.

No, don't do that!

Don't make me feel sad for him.

The guy stole my song
and my Jedi grandpa.

Kiddo, I've helped you your whole life,

and now... I need your help.

[Music played]

Hey, can we talk about the talent show?

Look, if Pops sent you in here,

tell him I'm not doing
his stupid comedy routine.

Forget about "Who's On First."

I'm here to tell you to do the song.

Please. We both know I suck at it.

That's why we're gonna combine
your rap skills and showmanship

with my greatest talent...
Audio-visual wizardry.

And so, united by our sensei granddad,

me and Barry decided
he wouldn't just rap.

He wouldn't just sing.

He'd rap-sing the most important song

in our school's history.

[Tune the tune of "We Didn't Startthe Fire"]
♪ Barry Goldberg, JTP ♪

♪ William Penn Academy ♪

♪ Fighting Quakers, North Philly ♪

♪ Principal Ball ♪

♪ Coach Mellor is good at sports ♪

♪ And he wears those tiny shorts ♪

♪ Cecil the janitor is
mopping up the hall ♪

It's true!

He mopped up something
I spilled this morning!

♪ Mr. Glascott is a nerd ♪

♪ Feather Locklear is his bird ♪

♪ Miss Tabs habla espanol ♪

♪ Lunch lady is really old ♪

♪ Mr. Woodburn is so mean ♪

♪ Cinoman's the drama queen ♪

♪ Then there's Doc throwin' chalk ♪

[Audience cheering] ♪ That
guy is out of control ♪

♪ Burnouts, nerds, and jocks ♪

♪ Jamie Weisman's really hot ♪

♪ Taz Money, Dave Kim ♪

♪ Chad Kremp --
what's up with him? ♪

♪ Jackie and my brother Ad ♪

♪ My sensei is my granddad ♪

♪ Watch me flip this on the floor ♪

♪ I can't take it anymore ♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Music played]

Yeah!

[Cheers and applause continue]

Whooo!

Mr. Glascott! Come quick!

It's super-important!

No, it's not. None of this matters.

But Barry started a fire!

Dang it! It does matter!

It matters real bad!

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

Oh. Hello.

♪ Always burning since
the world's been turning ♪

Hi. My wife made you a kugel.

Mmm. Smells delicious.

You both really know your
way around a Hanukkah dish.

Right back at you. You were right.

Never take on Beverly
Goldberg in Hanukkah w*r.

What do you say we stop
worrying about the future

and just enjoy the great
kids we have right now?

I'd love that. [Chuckles]

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

Wha...

You'll get used to it.

We're family now.

That night, my mom started
a new holiday tradition,

and Barry didn't just start a fire.

He started his comeback.

♪ And on and on and
on and on and on ♪

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning... ♪

And as for my mom,

she realized the best
way to spend the holidays

was together.

What's all this?

We decided to share the holiday.

There's enough nights to go around.

[Chuckles]

In the end, the holidays aren't about

the number of nights
you have to celebrate.

All that matters is you're together,

laughing, eating, and making memories.

[All cheer, laughter]

_

[Ding!]

[Music played]

Mom! Stop watching me sleep!

Can I just get one head sniff?

Mom, just say "Night, night."

Night, night.

I know you're still
there! I see the sweater!

Fine! I'll go for real!

[Door closes]

["Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays]

This is my worst nightmare!