01x03 - I Was a Teenage Abomination

[bunniefuu]

Well, Luz... did you ever in your life think you'd see something as breathtaking as this?

I don't like this.

Yes, it doesn't get much more inspiring than the trash slug.

It makes a home, a life from what others have thrown by the wayside.

Until, blam, it gets blasted by a wave one day and croaks from all the salt.

And then we get to sell the stuff it ate.

Please don't make me. Aw, come on, Luz.

It's not every day you get to go to the dump and pick apart a garbage carcass.

Ah, nuts to you both.

So, Eda...

What if we tried some new lessons for my apprenticeship?

Like... read ancient scrolls or mix together potions, or...

Ugh. That sounds like a bunch of magic school stuff.

Wait. Is there a magic school here?

Like, winding towers, cute uniforms, dark plots that thr*aten your life kind of magic school?

Mm-hmm. What's worse, they force you to learn magic the "proper" way.

But magic isn't proper. It's wild and unpredictable.

And that's why it's so beautiful.

I didn't finish school, and look at me!

Who wouldn't envy where I am right now?

Uh... Hey, here's a lesson.

A great witch is resourceful, like this.

Oh, hey. Greasy slime ball.

Use your slime ball wisely, young witch.

Back at it!

We'll hit the stink nodes first.

Actually, if it's okay, I think I'll head home and look at pictures of animals that are still alive.

Love you, King.

You little beach peach.

More for me, then.

There we go.

Ow! This is awesome!

Ugh! If magic's all about digging for slime balls, maybe I don't have the stomach for it.

You can do it! You can!

Mysterious voice of encouragement?

No! Little witch girl.

You can do it. Even if you get a bad grade, it's not a reflection of you as a witch.

And my parents are right. There are better opportunities on this track.

Now, get to school!

Oh, no! Oh, little friend! I'm sorry!

Willow!

Wow. You're so unnoticeable I almost rolled into ya.

Hi, Amity.

Uh, shouldn't you get to class early to prep your...

Oh, Willow.

You don't have anything to show, do you?

Witch drama!

This is why people call you "Half-a-Witch Willow."

Oh, looks like someone wants to say something to you.

Abomination, rise.

You're a... star.

Aw. It's like mine.

But much smaller, and meaningless.

As top student, it's my duty to tell you to keep at it.

Even you could get a passing grade someday.

Abomination, cower.

See you in class, superstar.

"Oh, see you in class, superstar!"

I hate when she does that.

I hate making abominations.

I hate getting bad grades.

Ugh! I can't stand this anymore.

Ahh!

Not a bad haul. That oviduct was loaded.

Ah. Lose apprentice, gain garbage eggs.

Fair trade.

I didn't lose anything.

If you don't teach Luz right, you will.

And that's when I come in, make her my apprentice.

Ha! And what would you teach? How to get stuck in the arm of a sweater?

Hey, that only happened once!

I'd teach her about demons.

How to identify them, talk to 'em, raise an army with them and tear apart the world!

After they tear you out of the sweater arm, right?

You think you're so smart!

Well, why don't we make a little bet where I can prove that I'd make a better teacher.

Okay. I'm obligated to remind you that I only use our bets to utterly humiliate you.

And... that you've never won.

I like those odds. So how's this: teach this trashslug to be your loyal soldier in one day.

Prove that you can be a better teacher than me, and Luz is all yours.

But if you don't, I change your name from King to Mr. Wiggles.

Well, when you lose, you'll have to... wear a shame hat and sleep in a shack and never come into the Owl House again! Ha!

Deal.

Ha ha!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm so sorry!

It's okay. The thorns only went through a few layers of skin.

So... circly.

You're human! This is astounding!

A human on the Boiling Isles!

How'd you get here? What are you doing here?

Uh, I'm sorry. I can't stay.

I have to go disappoint my teacher.

It was nice to meet you, human.

Wait! I'm Luz. And you're Willow, right?

What you did with that flower and those plants, it was... wow.

Thanks, but... I'm not even supposed to be doing plant magic.

My parents put me in the abomination track at school.

Like, magic school?

That's so cool!

I'm so jealous.

I have a teacher, but her lessons are a bit untraditional.

I bet she wouldn't even let me enroll.

But I wish I could spend one day there.

I wish I could get a passing grade for once.

Then people would stop calling me "Half-a-Witch Willow."

Hey, wait.

I know how we can both get what we want.

Make me your abomination.

I'll get you a good grade, and you can get me into magic school.

It's fiendishly clever.

What? I saw that girl's thing.

It's just chunks of stuff that talks weird.

I'm chunks of stuff, and I talk weird!

That's true.

Okay. It's a deal.

Luz.

This is a great plan.

Oops. Abomination goo.

Great plan.

Welcome to Hexside School of Magic and Demonics.

Remember to stay hidden, okay?

Hmm?

Willow, you would not believe humans.

Humans? Psh. I haven't seen any. What?

Did you know that humans nail barbed wire to their kids' teeth?

But why? Maybe to make them magnetic.

Actually, it's for storing treats.

Okay, Augustus. I'm gonna tell you something.

But you have to be cool.

I can be spool. I mean, cool.

Okay. Abomination, rise.

Ta-da!

I'm an abomination.

Luz, that's not how abominations act.

No. No, it, it couldn't be.

He's the president of the Human Appreciation Society.

Most witches wouldn't be able to recognize a human right away.

But Augustus is an expert. Where are your gills?

I knew an Augustus back in the human world. We called him Gus.

Gus? Nickname? Human nickname? Gus?

Call me it. Wow. Gus. This is the best day of my life.

I've gotta get to spelling class. See you guys at lunch!

All right. Into the darkness you go.

Aw. Who's a good Prince, Jr.?

Who's a good guy?

Hey, Mr. Wiggles.

You're not gonna teach it anything doing that.

It's called positive reinforcement, Eda.

And it works wonders.

Ha ha! See? Now watch this.

Prince, Jr.! att*ck Eda! Knock over her drink! Mess up her hair!

Oh, no. Please stop.

Well, I haven't seen your student in forever.

For all we know, she's not even loyal to you anymore.

You wish.

But yeah. Where is she?

Hope I pass. I'm confident about this.

Hmm.

Too many toenails in unexpected places.

Fail. Pathetic!

The biggest abominations are all of you!

If the next abomination is a failure, everyone gets extra homework for a month!

Extra homework? Not again!

And the next one to come up is...

Excuse me, sir, but I am ready to present my abomination.

Rise!

I've always saved the best for last, Amity.

You'll have to wait your turn.

How about...

Willow.

Not Half-a-Witch.

Great. Homework for a month.

Don't listen to them, Willow. We can do this.

Uh... Abomination, rise.

Ta-da!

Abomination, bow.

Blah!

Very impressive. But does it speak?

Uh, I may be your abomination, but you're my a-mom-ination.

Aw!

"A-mom-ination!"

Splendid wordplay.

A plus!

Wonderful work today, Willow.

Looks like we have a new top student.

But...

Uh... Thank you, sir.

Hey.

Last time I saw you, your abomination was mush.

What did you do?

I, uh, took your pep talk to heart, Amity.

I bet you did. I've got my eyes on you, Half-a-Witch.

That badge is mine.

Hey!

Uh-oh. I think Amity is onto us.

Have you seen Luz?

I heard her tiny mouse feet walking close by.

Or that might've been some mice.

Anyway, someone started moving in that direction.

Hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo. Are you trying to point, or?

Look at the weather vane!

But the only thing that way is the...

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay, everyone. Recite your runes.

Krom, Zix, Elgrim, Zenomide...

No. Blind obedience.

Heximal system time!

Let's get memorizin'!

No! Pointless busywork!

No!

Why! School!

Hey. Do humans eat PB&J's?

Oh, my gosh. I haven't eaten real food in so long. Please give me some.

I don't know, Gus.

If Amity saw that...

I saw that! Abominations don't eat!

I know you're in there! You can't hide from me. What are you?

Who are you? I want answers!

Amity Blight.

Huh?

I suspected a twinge of jealousy, but this, this is just sad.

But I... No! Look at it.

Report to Principal Bump's office.

But... Now!

Roll over! Yes!

Heel!

Yes, yes!

So, did you find your runaway student?

By your expression, I can tell Luz has gone and found herself someplace else to learn.

Which means I have won!

Yes, great, you won.

You have a giant soldier thing and I have nothing. Congrats!

Oh, Eda. Don't say that.

At least you have this!

Ugh.

I am so funny!

Ah, well, Prince, Jr. training complete.

Go forth! Make the world tremble at your feet... or worm stubs.

Go forth?

Oh. Right.

Ah!

Whoo!

I'm a sweaty little abomination.

But now we don't have to worry about Amity. High five!

Slap my hand. It's a human thing.

Oh. Oh, my.

Oh, man, what a rush!

Good afternoon, students.

Principal Bump.

Hmm.

Abomination, rise.

Abomination, lie.

Uh, viral fame is a worthy pursuit.

Your cat would never eat you if it got the chance.

Chemtrails are real... Oh, no, abomination.

How strange for it to get the command wrong.

I mean lie down.

So very lifelike.

When Miss Blight told me about your abomination, I had to come by, see what she's made of.

Oh, I have her list of ingredients right here.

No.

We were hoping... for a closer look.

Willow, I'll allow you the first cut.

Uh, you can't just cut open a human, can you?

Willow, go ahead and make the first incision.

Wait, Principal Bump!

Uh, high five!

Run!

They're getting away!

No, the intruder won't get far.

This is all my fault, Willow.

I just wanted to see what a real magic school was like.

Well, how do you like it?

It's lovely, actually.

Okay, we should get out of here before...

...Bump seals us in.

Help me, help me, help me!

Trouble with your student?

Yes, yes!

Are you sure you need my help?

Maybe he only wants more of your brilliant lessons.

Please help me! You can call me Mr. Wiggles!

Okay, Mr. Wiggles. Here's what we're gonna do.

Oh, this is awful. I don't know what to do.

Amity's right. I'm just Half-a-Witch Willow.

You're Full-Witch Willow.

And you're great.

And someone once told me great witches are resourceful.

That's it!

You mean that greasy slime ball?

Luz, it's a seed! Thank goodness you had it on you.

Yeah. Thank goodness someone told me to hold on to it.

Please grow!

Remarkable.

There's the exit!

Not so fast!

I'm not letting you get away so easily.

I want my badge!

Abominations, seize!

Whoa!

Get outta here!

No! I'm not leaving you.

I may get detention, but you'll get dissected.

So go!

Ah!

Willow!

I can't save you right now.

But I know someone who can!

Pour the salt, now!

Baby boy!

I have no son.

Eat salt!

Yes, I did it!

I'm amazing! Ahh!

You helped too.

You are a good teacher.

I wish Luz thought that too.

Eda!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is this? Ugh!

I never understand when you do this.

Your lesson worked! Keeping junk in my pocket saved my life!

But wait. My new friends. They're in danger.

Luz!

Seriously, what is that?

You won't believe it, Luz. Everything is perfect now!

It's true. I don't believe it.

Principal Bump was so impressed by my plant work he's switching me to the plant magic track!

Look!

Yes!

Whoo! Oh.

What about Amity?

Last we saw, she was asking Bump if today could count as extra credit.

Well, I can't wait to see you in action next time I sneak in.

Uh, about that.

You're kinda, sorta... banned.

That's my girl!

But we could come here and teach you what we learned.

Aw. That would be nice. But...

I have a pretty great teacher already.

Yeah, that's right.

Luz is my student.

Back off, academy twerps.

Ah, baby's first wanted poster.

Good job, kid.

Looks like I taught you something after all.

Uh, you high five with your hands, not your head.