05x05 - Ready Player Fuller

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Fuller House". Aired February 2016 - June 2020.*
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"Fuller House" revolves around the recently widowed D.J. Tanner-Fuller, who is now a veterinarian and mother of three sons. After her husband dies, she enlists the help of her sister and her best friend to move in and help her raise her boys.
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05x05 - Ready Player Fuller

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
Somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Ah, sleeping baby
and a cup of warm tea.

Hmm. Finally, pure quiet.

Shh. Stephanie, why are you still talking?

- Mm.
- Kimberlina!

Mm.

There goes my pure quiet.

I am here for my goodbye kisses!

Oh, you've come to the right place,
Fernando.

I will miss you so.

[Fernando, indistinct]

This is the worst telenovela ever.

Fernando's leaving today
for a week in Monte Carlo

where he's being honored
by the Racing Hall of Fame. Remember?

No, but I'll pretend I do
to make this go faster.

I will be back in one week, just in time
for the grand reopening of Uncle Monty's.

It is almost like I'm saying goodbye
to my racing-circuit life,

and I'm saying hello to my sandwich life.

It's not almost like that,
it's exactly like that.

Now, you're gonna be late
for your flight.

It's not for another nine hours.

- Oh, well, then you better get a move on.
- No, no, no. Why? No.

Goodbye, my love. Mwah.

- Love you.
- Miss you. Mwah.

Oh, yeah.

So... where were we, chamomile?

Pop the non-alcoholic champagne.

You and me ain't gonna happen.

My kid just got into AP History.

Oh, good for Max.

No, Jackson.

Janet Jackson?

No, my Jackson.
I just got the letter from the school.

I didn't know he took the placement test.
I cannot wait to tell him the good news.

He is gonna be so excited.

I'm open for the pass.

Score! Carjack for the point.

Hey, Jackson,
guess what, uh, came in the mail today.

Mom, I'm in the middle of a game.

Yeah, but it's really good news.

You got into AP History.
All you have to do is just sign this fo...

Wow. The kid seemed thrilled.

I could forge his signature on the form.
I've been doing Dad's since middle school,

and I've been doing yours
ever since the bank said I cou...

AP History. Wow, that is fascinating.

Jackson's been like this all summer.

I can barely get him to engage with me
about anything.

All he wants to do
is play that video game.

I have no idea
what's going on in his life.

Well, he's a teenage boy.

Communicating with his mother
is at the bottom of his list.

Right next to cleaning his room
and showering.

I don't know. Maybe you could,
you know, pick up some of his interests.

Oh, no, I have to shower every day.

I was talking about video games.

Video games?
I don't know if I'd be good at that.

Ho ho, I am so good at this.

Carjack just joined.
Why does that name sound so familiar?

Hey, Doombuggy, how about a game?

[lowers voice] It's Jackson.
That's why it sounds so familiar.

[banging]

Wow. Doombuggy, nice move.

How come I've never seen you
on Rocket League before?

Uh, uh...

[gruff voice] uh...

uh, first time playing.

You got mad skills for a first-timer, bro.

Thanks.

- Uh, but I-I better sign off, bro.
- [door closes]

Are you sure you can't hang for a game?

Uh, no. I gotta do chores.

But I don't mind
'cause being responsible's cool.

Oh, hey, before you go...
you want to be my partner

and try to qualify
for the Rocket League NorCal finals?

Does that mean
we'd be spending a lot of time together?

Like pretty much every day.

[whispers in normal voice]
That would make me so happy.

[gruff voice] Uh, I mean, yeah, yeah.

Cool. Whatevs.

Later, potater.

Steve. Hey, how long
you been standing there?

Uh, long enough to know
that whatever this is is wrong, bro.

Okay, I-I-I can explain.

Are you gonna explain
in your regular voice...

[gruff voice] or in this voice?

I'm gonna explain
in my high-pitched nervous voice.

I-I was learning to play
Jackson's video game,

because I wanted
to spend more time with him,

and then, all of a sudden,
he joined my game.

And he started talking to me,
which he never does,

and then I tried to sign off,
but he just kept talking,

and-and I really liked it,

and is that so wrong?

Well, it doesn't sound right.

I know it's not right.

Ah, why didn't I just go with
not showering?

What if he finds out?

He won't because I am never
gonna play again.

Except for one more time.

Because I already promised I would,
and Doombuggy doesn't break a promise.

You do hear yourself, right?

Yeah, I'm trying not to.

Come here.

♪ Ooh, la la la la la ♪

[sighs]

This quiet is really healing.

The quiet's not that healing when you
keep talking about how quiet it is.

[both inhale]

[both] Ah.

Unacceptable!

You know, I'm starting to think
the kitchen is not the ideal quiet place.

I want 40 pounds of provolone

delivered to Uncle Monty's on Friday.

Not Thursday. Not Saturday.

Friday. Or heads will roll.

What?

Okay, then, Lily.
Put your grandpa on the phone.

He's so good with kids.

Aw, look at my little bro...
stepping up to the challenge.

They've got the grand reopening
of Uncle Monty's in a week,

- and he is on it.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Jimmy, we have a problem.

Not now, Max.
I'm on the phone with our supplier.

Our butcher's granddaughter's
playing hardball.

Yeah, you may wanna hang up.

Okay, Lily, give a kiss to Pop-Pop.
I've got to go bye-bye.

This better be important.
Lily's very hard to get on the phone.

She's got tumbling all afternoon.

You know how you had us put flyers
around San Francisco

about next week's grand reopening?
Well, we did.

Oh.

Okay, that wasn't
nearly as dramatic a story

as I was expecting.

The flyers have the wrong date on them.

They say that the grand reopening
is tomorrow,

not next Saturday!

What will Jimmy do?

The kid's good. I'm hooked now.

Wait. Let me see that.
That can't be right.

Oh. What do you know?
Fernando messed up the flyers.

Then he got on a plane to Monte Carlo.

[chuckles] That is so Fernando.

Honey, how are you being so understanding?

You do realize you're screwed, right?

I do now.
It kind of took a second to kick in.

I guess we need to take down the flyers
and cancel the reopening.

We can't. Papa put the wrong date

on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
and something called AOL?

Okay.

I can do this. I've got one day
to prepare for

the most important business day
of my entire life,

and the future
of Uncle Monty's depends on it.

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

This is my new favorite show.

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

- [gruff voice] Okay, let's win this game.
- Here comes the chip sh*t.

Goal-al-al-al!

Hey, great game, Doombuggy.

I needed some fun.
I've been a little stressed lately.

Really? What's up?

I made it into this AP History class,

and my mom has been
trying to talk to me about it.

Yeah, well, deadlines are strict.

I mean, at my high school, they are.

I passed the test to get in, but...

if I take the class, and I don't do well,
I'm worried I'm gonna disappoint my mom.

It happens all the time
because my brother is so perfect.

Well, I'm sure she doesn't expect you
to be perfect.

Have you tried talking to her?

'Cause moms are cool to talk to.

[laughs] You're hilarious, Doombuggy.

Hey, I gotta go.

Oh, hey, Jackson, there you are.

- There's something I need to tell you.
- [cell phone chimes]

Uh, yeah, sure. Hang on.

No way!

This is awesome!

I just got into the Rocket League
NorCal finals tomorrow.

Wow, that... that's great.
What... whatever that is.

It is the biggest gaming tournament.
I've been trying to get into it for years.

And the best part is, I finally
get to meet my partner Doombuggy.

Say what now?

It's live at the Oakland Esports Arena.

Oh, man, I can't wait to tell Doombuggy.
He's gonna be so psyched.

Little did Jackson know,
Doombuggy was not psyched.

Not psyched at all.

Right.

- Tomatoes.
- Check.

- Coleslaw.
- Check.

Gruff but lovable dishwasher.

Check!

[bell jingles]

Did you guys see the line outside?
It's around the block.

I sure did. Glad you guys are back.

I've been yelling "banner,"
but nobody's been here to say "check."

Check.

Well, unfortunately,
the banner that Fernando ordered

won't be ready
until the grand reopening next week.

Well, then what's this?

You're lucky you're marrying into
D.J.'s family.

She's the only person in the world

who has a cedar-lined,
temperature-controlled banner closet.

Yeah, half my wardrobe's on the floor,

but as long as
she has her perfect banner...

Stay focused, Steph.

- Ready?
- Yep.

All right.

Aw, that's perfect.

It's perfect-ish.

Oh, I can fix that.

What else do you have to chop?
I'm in the zone.

Look at this place, babe. It's awesome.

I mean, you... you really got everything
all set up and ready to go.

- You're actually gonna pull this off.
- Huh. You sound kind of surprised.

What? Me? No! No. I...

- [bell jingles]
- Hey.

You guys, the line is so long.

Well, people love Uncle Monty's.

Ladies, can I talk to you for a second?
I really need some advice.

Yeah. Well, first, I'd ditch the blouse.

Not helping.

Okay, this is kind of insane,

but I went online, and now Jackson
thinks I'm a 16-year-old boy,

and I have to meet him in an hour
at an esports arena

as my alter-ego Doombuggy.

So, what's the insane part?

So, when I said that you should start
playing video games

to have a common interest with Jackson,
this is where you wound up?

Well, I didn't set out to do this.

And I did try to tell him,
but then, when he got into the tournament,

he got so happy...

and truth be told,
when he started opening up to me,

I got really happy.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

Well, there's only one solution.

I've got a ten-gallon hat
and a fake mustache in the car.

- I also have a costume for you. Come on.
- No, no, no.

Or you could be a normal person
and do what you always do.

Tell the truth
and accept the consequences.

What else you got?

Okay, I know. You're right.

Uhh. Why do I have to be
so honest and wise?

[bell jingles]

Hey. Hi, sweetie.
I gotta run, but I'll be back later.

- Great. I'll see you later. Nice blouse.
- Thank you.

[bell jingles]

You guys, that line outside is immense!

I'm so glad we bought this place.

[laughs] People love Uncle Monty's.

Yeah, people especially love Uncle Monty's
when there's a Groupon.

Say what now?

In all the chaos, I totally forgot
we offered a Groupon for opening day

where we're gonna roll back the prices
to the original 1972 prices.

What a cool idea.

Hey, we should buy a bunch of sandwiches.
They're gonna be so cheap.

Huh. 1972 prices.

That would mean a sandwich
we normally sell for $12

we're gonna be selling for 82 cents.

Right. I should've mentioned that.

Oh, so that's why
there's a line around the block.


I-I-I don't mean to be a killjoy,
but we're about to open,

and we don't have enough ingredients
to feed all those people.

That means
we won't be able to honor our deal,

and hundreds of loyal customers
will be turned away,

and the new management of Uncle Monty's

will be trashed on Yelp
before we even begin!

Well, better get to work.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

[announcer] Here we are
at the Rocket League NorCal finals

with two minutes until the match starts.

Team Fender Bender
is still short a player.

Will they forfeit?

Is Doombuggy doomed?

Jackson, hey.

Hey, Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, there's something
I have to tell you.

Now's not a good time.
I'm waiting for Doombuggy.

But he's late,

which is weird, because he's always saying
how important it is to be punctual.

I'm afraid Doombuggy isn't coming.

How do you know that?

Because, um...

I'm Doombuggy.

[laughs]

Yeah, right, Mom.

No, Jackson, I'm serious.

[gruff voice]
I'm serious, bro. Eat your vegetables.

Hang on. What?

Yeah, I learned to play the video game
so that I could spend time with you,

- and we were having such a good time...
- I can't believe you tricked me.

I thought I was playing with another guy,
and all along, it's been you?

Yeah, I know you're upset.

Of course I'm upset.

I... I told you stuff.

Like personal stuff. Things I would
never tell you because you're my mom.

Jackson, I'm sorry.
I should've told you the truth.

Yes, yes, you should've.

Look, I didn't want to disappoint you

by letting you know what I did,
just like...

you didn't want to disappoint me
with AP History.

It's just...

Sometimes I feel like
it's easier not to try at all

than to risk letting you down.

Honey, I wish you had
as much faith in yourself

as I have in you.

You would never disappoint me
if you took a class and you tried hard,

no matter what grade you got.

Just... I'm sorry all of this happened.

And I'm sorry
you're gonna have to forfeit.

I'm gonna go.

Where you going, Doombuggy?

Say what now?

You may be my mom,

but you're still the best darn
Rocket League player I've ever met.

We got a tournament to win.

What do you say?

I'd say...

We've got spirit. Yes, we do!

We've got spirit. How 'bout you?

[gruff voice]
Sorry, bro. I won't let that happen again.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

Okay, that's ten corned beef Reubens,

uh, two pastramis,

and an egg-salad wrap.

With your Groupon discount,
that comes out to...

nine dollars.

Nine dollars? That's it? Huh.

Then double my order. Ho ho ho.

Maybe everybody here
doesn't have a Groupon.

Hi. Can I ask
who's planning on using a Groupon?

There's a Groupon?

Okay, we're all out of provolone,
prosciutto, and pickles.

I tried calling Lily, but they wouldn't
wake her up from her nap.

Here you go... meatball sub.

Wait a minute. This meatball sub
only has two meatballs on it.

Uncle Monty's sandwiches
have four meatballs.

We don't have the meats.

We're not gonna make it
through the hour.

Listen to me, little man.
I don't care how dire things get.

Uncle Monty's
never sends out a subpar sub.

Uncle Monty's is known for its integrity.

Uncle Jimmy, we're out of turkey,

pastrami, and turkey pastrami.

Face it, Jimmy. We're toast.

By the way, we're also out of toast.

I'm so sorry, honey.

No, you were right
to doubt me, Steph. I...

thought I could pull this off,
but I can't.

Oh, no.

No, I am really proud of you.

You've done literally everything you could
in a really bad circumstance.

But I think it might be time
to throw in the towel and shut the door.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, everybody.

I'm Jimmy.

I'm one of the new owners
here at Uncle Monty's.

I'm not Uncle Jimmy.

Although I am an uncle.

- He is a good uncle.
- Thank you.

Unnamed customer.

But what I don't feel like right now

is a very good steward
of the Uncle Monty's name.

Uncle Monty's has always been
the one constant in my life

ever since I was a boy.

That and my sister Kimmy. And Oprah.

And Transformers.

Where is he going with this?

I don't know, but I can't believe
he mentioned me before Oprah.

You know, Uncle Monty's
is more than just a sandwich.

It's also chips and sides and a pickle.

It's a way of life.

That's why me and my buddies
bought this place. But...

today, I...

really feel like
I'm letting you guys down.

Because of some unforeseen circumstances,

we no longer have the supplies
to give you all the sandwich

you've come to expect and deserve.

Now, there are some
who say I should cut corners

and scrimp on ingredients,

That was me.

And I still recommend it.

But I would rather close the shop
than to serve one meatball sub

that's two meatballs short
of a full Uncle Monty sandwich.

- So...
- You know what?

I only bought 20 sandwiches
because I'm famously cheap.

But I can share.

Here. Take one.

And I was gonna eat half
and freeze the rest for lunch tomorrow...

but who would like
half a turkey Reuben pastrami?

[laughs] I'll take that.

Hey, I got back as fast as I could,

but first, I had to stop
and pick up some friends.

Lily... and Lily's Pop-Pop!

Steve told me that Jimmy was in trouble,

and that's all we needed to hear.

- Hey, we got here as fast as we could.
- Yeah, and we won our competition.

Wow, guys.

I don't know what to say.

Now we can give everyone
the sandwiches they deserve.

You've saved Uncle Monty's.

No, Jimmy.

You saved Uncle Monty's.

You know, Uncle Monty's
saved me many times.

It was a good thing he had
the defibrillator behind the counter.

I feel like the most special guy
in the world.

I feel like George Bailey in that movie
where he's got a wonderful life.

[bell rings]

You know what they say...

every time a bell rings,
an angel gets a sandwich.

That's-That's actually not what...
You know what? I'm gonna give that to you.

Hey, Mom, I've been thinking.

I'm gonna take that AP History class.

Ahh. Oh, I am so happy. Good for you.

I-I mean, yeah, cool. Whatevs. No big.

Okay, everybody, we're back in business.

- Let's make some sandwiches.
- [Max] Right.

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

[Jepsen] ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪
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