05x07 - DJ's Amazing 40th Birthday Race

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
Somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Where have you been? We're at DEFCON 1.
It's DJ's 40th birthday.

I was prepping. Okay,
I've got tissues, a bottle of wine...

her favorite ice cream...

another bottle of wine...

and more ice cream in case
she doesn't like the first ice cream.

So basically you used DJ as an excuse
to buy yourself two kinds of ice cream.

And wine for you.

Ah, you don't need an excuse for that.

Look, it's her 40th. There is no telling
how sad and depressed she's gonna be.

Hey, everyone! I'm 40!

Sweet cheese. She's worse than I thought.

What? I'm fine.
In fact, I have been up since 5:00 a.m.

I took back-to-back spin classes,

and I finished
Tommy's birthday card to me.

I even spelled it "birfday" like he does.

Aren't you a little sad, though?

I was really looking forward
to some morning wine.

No. Life is great.

The vet clinic is booming,
my family's healthy and...

[sing-song] You wanna marry Steve.

You admitted it to Matt
in the mayor's office.

No takesies backsies.

Oh, I am really regretting
telling you guys.

But now I know more than ever

that Steve is the person
I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Nothing like
a tranquilizer-induced conversation

to get clarity on who your true love is.

Mm.

Well, happy 40th, Deej.

Oh, I hope I look this great when I'm 40.

We're the same age.

[sing-song] Not according to Facebook.

I have a delivery
for the most beautiful girl in the world.

Aw, thanks, Steve.

But I think you should give those to DJ.

Oh, they're beautiful
and my favorite... gardenias.

Speaking of favorites, you know how
Amazing Race is your favorite show?

Still Million Dollar Listing but sure.

Good enough, because today,
it is girls versus guys,

in DJ's Amazing Race: Birthday Edition.

[gasps]

A competition and an outfit?
You know me so well.

Ooh, and it's the breathable cotton
I like so much.

Oh, yeah, that's pure Pima.

Organic, locally sourced,
handpicked in small batches.

Is getting through
this boring conversation about cotton

the first challenge?

Okay, so the race will begin and end
here at the house,

- and if you make it to the end...
- Why wouldn't we make it to the end?

Are there alligators?
Why would you do this to us?

Relax, okay. There's no alligators,

but, uh, but if you make it to the end,

I have a surprise for you
that's gonna make you love me forever.

I'm gonna let the guys know
the race is on.

Don't tell them, but their shirts
are 10% polyester

and a little flammable.

Did you pick up on that, Kimmy?

I am way ahead of you, Steph.

Pick up on what?

[both] Steve is gonna propose!

What? No. What gave you that idea?

Come on. A surprise at the end of the race
that's gonna make you love him forever?

- What else could it be?
- Guys, he's not proposing. It's too soon.

And Steve and I are fine. I'm fine.

And most of all, I'm 40!

Oh, cramp. Got a cramp.

Cramp. Okay.

Welcome to
DJ's Amazing 40th Birthday Race!

- [cheering]
- Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

As the captain of this team,
I will lead us to victory.

Who named you captain?

I did.

It is one of my duties as captain.

It will take unprecedented teamwork
to win this race.

- Well, us ladies have been a team forever.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you boys are in for
a major butt-kicking.

In your dreams,
you sweet, adorable mother of my child.

Honey, y-you need to work on
your trash talk.

Okay, inside these envelopes
are your first clues.

On my signal,
open 'em and let the race begin.

Oh, Deej, I hate to ruin your birthday,

but we are gonna win
because I'm an Amazing Race-ist.

[laughs]

Oh, that didn't come out right.

Okay, let's start
DJ's Amazing 40th Birthday Race!

[overlapping chatter and shouting]

Wait. Uh, guys?

Oh, it says to start in the kitchen.

- Oh, there it is.
- Yes.

You ladies need to get a clue.

Ramona, that's no way
to speak to your elders.

And DJ is super-elderly now.

No. I meant the clue's in the box.

Ah. Oh. Okay. All right.

- What does it say?
- It says...

we have to create a team name.

Oh, well, that's easy. The She-Wolf Pack.

[all howl]

And just like you, DJ,
that never gets old.

- Okay.
- Wait, wait. Uh...

before you guys run out,
you might wanna read the back.

- Oh.
- Okay, the name of the next challenge

- is "Here Comes the Ride."
- Ahh. "Here Comes the Ride"?

Come on, could Steve
be any more obvious about proposing?

Well, he could've called it
"Here Comes the Proposal."

Guys, it's just the name
of the next challenge.

Steve is not proposing.

Okay, the three of us
must ride a tandem bike

to the place where I'm the boss.

Oh.

Where DJ's the boss?

This house?
Because she's pretty bossy around here.

True. Oh, maybe it's the park?

You know how she likes telling people
to move along.

Speaking of that, have you ever seen her
at the supermarket express lane?

- Ach.
- I'm sorry, but if it's ten items or less,

you should be doing the math
ahead of time.

[all talk at once]

Ladies! It's the vet clinic.
Just go already.

Oh.

[gibberish and yelling]

Gentlemen,
you are the second team to arrive.

[all] Whoo!

Unh.

Of two.

The clue awaits.

- All right.
- Okay.

Come on, Fernando.
You're a race-car driver.

- Go.
- [grunts]

- We need to choose a team name.
- Oh.

I suggest Team Fernando.

- Yeah.
- Nah, that doesn't work for me.

You're right. Too long.

- Just Fernando.
- Oh.

- That's great. Let's go.
- Hold up.

We should have a name
that represents all of us.

How about "The Dudes"?

Listen, surf boy, we're not being
The Dudes, The Brohams,

or Boyz with a "Z."

Did you guys ever think
maybe I wanna pick the name?

Sure. What do you have?

Um... I'm fine with any of those.

Hey! So Team Fernando it is!

We go with Boyz with a "Z."
It's an easy name.

Dudes! It's the vet clinic!

[all whooping]

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

What are you doing?

Steve wants us to start getting ready
for your mom's big surprise.

Hold on. We're teaching Tommy
important life skills.

We're teaching him
how to blow his first bubble.

What? You can't give Tommy gum.
He's way too young.

It's not like we're teaching him
how to smoke.

On the news, I saw a toddler in Thailand
who smokes three packs a day

and has his own militia.

I find that hard to believe.

I mean, the fact that
you actually watch the news.

Yes, Max, we all know
you have Lester Holt bedsheets.

I have the whole
Meet the Press collection.

You are all nuts.

But, Tommy,
I need you to spit out the gum.

What are you guys looking at?

Nothing.

Nothing? Can't you see
that big wad of gum in his hair?

I can't have gum in my hair
before Mom's party.

It's gonna ruin her birthday surprise,

and I'm her favorite child.

You make it very hard to want to help you.

♪ Ooh, la la la la la ♪

- [bike bell rings]
- [overlapping chatter]

Okay.

[Jamaican accent]
Happy birthday, Dr. Fuller.

Ah, Thanks, Janet.

You don't look a day over 42.

Well, I'm 40.

Really? I thought you were 48.

I was just being polite.

Welcome to
your Amazing Race Birthday Challenge,

for which I am receiving
no extra compensation.

Oh, that's terrible.
You should tell your boss.

Okay, what's our challenge?

You have to put these five pictures of DJ
in chronological order.

Well, that's easy.
Nobody knows me better than me.

Except your best friend.
Step aside, sisters.

You know, I've seen her do this
with my mugshots.

I'm kidding.

All right, '70s, '80s, '90s,
zeroes and tens!

- You're done.
- Yes.

- [Steph chuckles]
- Nice job, ladies.

It's good to see Dr. Fuller's
fashion sense has changed over time.

Yeah, thanks, Janet. It has gotten better.

[laughs] I said changed.

Hey, wait a minute.
That picture of you and Steve.

From prom, remember? That was a surprise.

Just like tonight. Steve is gonna
surprise you with a proposal.

Ladies, let it go.

Even if there was gonna be a proposal,
which there's not,

you're ruining it by talking about it,
so stop talking about it!

Okay. Fine.

Can we text about it behind your back?

No.

[cell phone chimes]

Too late.

[bike horn blowing]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, it's kinda like the bike rode us.

Boyz with a "Z" in the house.

Featuring Fernando.

Well, you guys should've called yourselves
Team Fernan-don't

because you don't have a chance
of winning this race.

[Matt] Ooh.

Okay, well,
maybe you should call yourself...

Really Cute Girl
Who's Super Good At Puzzles

And Is My Favorite Person
In The Whole World.

- I'm trying to trash talk. I love you...
- I know. I love you, too. Okay.

Here's your next clue, ladies. Gentlemen.

- All right, let's see.
- What is it?

Okay, okay. "Get back on your bike
and pedal to the place

where your father's brother
cuts the cheese."

Well, that's confusing.
Dad cuts the cheese everywhere.

Yeah, but Dad doesn't have a brother.

Wait. I know where to go.

Drop some marbles
so the guys can't follow us.

Wait, wait, wait.
What if they follow the marbles?

- Darn it. They've thought of everything!
- Aw...

♪ La la la la, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

Okay, that's five minutes.
The gum should be frozen by now.

My skull is numb.

This must be how you feel all the time.

You're right. He does make it hard
to want to help him.

Let's see.

- Ow!
- Sorry!

Okay, this is not working.
What else you got?

Um... oh, I read somewhere that you can
cover the gum with peanut butter

- and scrub it out using an old toothbrush.
- Right here, it says to use baking soda.

Neither of them worked,

not even at the same time.

Do either of you
have access to a porcupine carcass?

No, you are not putting roadkill
on my hair.

Okay, we gotta get ready
for your mom's birthday surprise.

What?

♪ Hey ♪

[bell rings]

Oh, your father's brother is your uncle.

The place where you cut the cheese
is the sandwich shop. Uncle Monty's.

Kimmy, how did you figure this out?

I didn't. I was just hungry
and wanted a sandwich.

But you guys are right.

Hello... Deej.

Hi, Gia.

Happy birthday.

Well, it was.

Welcome to your final challenge
of DJ's Amazing Death Race.

That's not what it is.
It's my 40th birthday.

Tell me the difference.

All right, ladies,
for your final challenge,

you have to build a sandwich
at least one-foot high,

using meat and lettuce alone.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

What is Steve's favorite joke?

What's in a honeymoon salad?

[all] Lettuce alone.

You can't have a honeymoon
without a proposal.

You can't have a salad without dressing,
croutons, and a sprinkling of feta cheese.

Honeymoon?

[gasps] All the clues are adding up.

I think you might be right.

I agree. Steve needs a new joke book.

Let's get back to the house.

No. First, we have to make the sandwich,
win the competition,

and then he can propose.
Priorities, people.

- Right.
- Got it.

[exclaiming and yelping]

Waah-hah.

Team Fernando has arrived!

Look who's late to the party.

Hey, Big Thumper.

- Oh, hey, Lil' Bunny.
- [chuckles]

Hey, lunch in the back of my throat.

Um, excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Thumper,
Big and Lil'.

Could we please get our clue
so that we don't fall further behind?

All right, you boys better start building
a one-foot sandwich,

meat and lettuce alone.

[laughs]

It's the honeymoon salad.
Where does Steve come up with this stuff?

All right, two more slices of bread,
and we're at one foot.

Ooh, they're almost done.
We must hustle.

Done! We win!

Not so fast.

You must now
deliver the sandwich to Steve,

and it must be fully intact.
Twelve inches tall.

Come on, She-Wolves,
let's bring this thing home.

And literally,
because there's no dinner at the house.

Out of the way, chumps!
Sandwich coming through.

Who are you even talking to?
There's no one in our way.

I'm just practicing. You don't carry
a giant sandwich in rush-hour traffic

without attracting chumps along the way.

[man] Hey, you gonna eat that sandwich?

[Kimmy] Out of my way, chump!

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Gia, Janet. Thank you guys
so much for your help.

I could not have pulled this off
without you.

Well, I'm obviously not doing it
for the money.

I have a hunch
you and I are gonna be best friends.

Mm-hmm.

- Here we go.
- Oh, there on the table.

Kimmy, you were right. I never realized
this city had so many chumps.

Spoken like someone
who's never been on Tinder.

Ladies, you're the first team to arrive.

- Yes!
- Whoo.

Now let's measure your sandwich
and see how you did.

Ooh, you are still
an eighth of an inch short.

You're gonna have to go back
to Uncle Monty's to complete the task.

Not so fast.

There's a reason why I never
leave the house without bra bologna.

That is exactly why I stopped
going to the beach with you.

Congratulations!

You are the winners
of DJ's Amazing 40th Birthday Race.

[cheering]

[gibberish]

We have arrived first!

Ta-da.

No, clearly you have not.

And what happened to your sandwich?

We were att*cked by pelicans.

That shortcut by the marina
may not have been the best idea.

On the upside, we are trending on YouTube.

Look up "Three Chumps att*cked By Birds."

Yeah, yeah, you were att*cked by birds.

What do I win?

I can't wait to see
what's gonna make me love you forever.

Just out of curiosity, what would
the prize have been if we'd won?

Dude, it was a competition
for DJ's birthday.

In what world were you ever gonna win?

- We were never gonna win!
- Yeah!

Okay, now, if I could have everybody
please gather around.

- Everybody wins.
- Everybody.

[Matt chuckles]

Deej, I've loved you
from the first day I laid eyes on you.

Nothing brings me more happiness
than seeing you happy.

- Here it comes.
- I gotta get this on camera.

DJ Fuller, I wanted to make this
a really special day

and give you something
that you'd always remember.

[exhales] Sorry, just gotta tie my shoe.

Happy birthday, Deej.

I give you...

Your Kids on the Block.

[pop music playing]

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

[barks]

Oh, my lip-sync, this is adorable.

I think we may have miscalculated
about the proposal.

Ya think?

♪ Fool me twice
And it's shame on me ♪

♪ Shame on me ♪

♪ I wish you wouldn't drive me crazy ♪

♪ Uhh ♪

Huh? What do you think?

Well, I-I can't say
that I was expecting that.

[door opens]

Hey, Deej. You okay?

Oh. Yeah, I'm fine.

The kids were so adorable.

I just feel stupid.

Hey...

who hasn't gotten bummed when they thought
they were getting proposed to,

but instead,
it was child-and-animal knockoffs

of our favorite boy band?

I just feel foolish for thinking that
Steve was gonna propose.

I mean, that was so sweet and so perfect.

It just wasn't what I thought was coming.

Deej, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

- Yeah.
- It's Kimmy's.

[stutters] In all seriousness,

I am so sorry
that we whipped you into such a frenzy.

Yeah, and we ate both of your ice creams.

And drank half your wine.

Okay, fine. All of it.

Guys, it's no one's fault.

When I walked in here this morning
saying I was 40 and happy, I meant it.

Proposal or no.

And if Steve and I get married one day,
that would be really great, but...

my happiness doesn't depend on it.

Well, I couldn't agree more,
and we will always be here for you.

We love you, Deej.

Oh, I love you guys.

She-Wolf high kick?

- She-Wolf high kick.
- Yes.

- I'm 40!
- She's 40!

I pulled something.

It's an old cop injury.

Let's go get you
some of Gia's punch. Come on.

Oh, you guys, that was amazing!

Thank you so much
for such a wonderful birthday present.

I'm glad you liked it.
And for the record,

you're the only person
I would ever put on a boy-band outfit for.

Sorry if Cosmo messed up the choreography.

He only showed up to half the rehearsals.

He wanted to be Donnie Wahlberg,
but I'm clearly the Donnie of this group.

By the way, Max, you and I are going to
the barber first thing in the morning

to get that gum out of your hair.

Wait. How did you know?

Because I'm your mother.

And because Max Fuller
is wearing a bandanna.

Steve, this has been
such a wonderful birthday.

Thank you for everything that you've done.

I'm really glad you feel that way,
but it is not quite over yet, okay?

I still have one more surprise for you
under that sheet.

Oh, it's not Gia and Janet
pretending to be Salt-N-Pepa is it?

You're gonna find this hard to believe,
but it's even better than that.

[chuckles]

Oh. A telescope?

You need it to see the real gift.
Take a look.

What am I looking at?

Okay, so you see that cluster of stars?

The bright one right in the center
is now officially known as Steejay.

[gasps] Oh, we're a star.

So now, no matter what happens
here on Earth,

that'll be there forever,
like my love for you.

This was perfect.

Thank you for making my 40th
a day I will never forget.

[Jepsen] ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪Oh ♪