05x12 - Cold Turkey

[bunniefuu]

[theme song plays]

[vocalizing]

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paper boy
The evening TV ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart
There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
There's a face ♪

-♪ Somebody who needs you ♪
-♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

Danielle, are you excited for tonight?

Mama's making
her first Thanksgiving dinner.

[high-pitched voice]
"Yes, Mama, I'm very eager."

Aw. Enjoy this now,
because when she starts talking,

she'll never say what you want.

That's why I have a dog. Right, Cosmo?

[low voice]
"That's right, Mom."

That's not what Cosmo sounds like.

Cosmo sounds like...

[refined voice]
"You're hot stuff, Stephanie."

Steph, are you sure
that you don't need any help

cooking your first Thanksgiving dinner?

No, no, Deej, I appreciate the offer,

but tonight is going to be
Danielle's first bite of solid food,

and I want to be the one
to cook it for her.

Aw. That's really sweet, Steph.

I have full confidence in you.

Now, just follow this recipe book exactly.

Oh, no, not the book.

I'd rather read
Max's Blue Blood fan fiction.

What? It is the traditional
Tanner-Fuller Thanksgiving Recipe Book

that's been passed down
from generation to generation.

I'm just going to need you
to sign here, initial here,

and I'm going to need two forms of ID.

Deej, as much as I love the book,

I went online
and I found some new recipes

for Thanksgiving this year.

[stammering]

[hyperventilating]

New... recipes?

From online strangers?

Yes, yes, I actually found

a really great recipe
for a watercress and persimmon salad.

It's kind of a contemporary spin.

Oh. Like the way our ancestors
are spinning in their graves?

I am sorry, book.
You should not have to listen to this.

Guys, guys, stop fighting.
It's just Thanksgiving dinner.

Kimmy, nobody's fighting.

But Stephanie's cooking
Thanksgiving dinner.

You should be furious.

That's what Stephanie said
when she told me to run in here

and say, "Guys, stop fighting."

Yeah, I also told you to read the room,
but I forgot who I was talking to.

Sorry,
I just don't want any fighting today

because we're celebrating
Fernando's new American citizenship.

And if there's one thing
America's not about,

it's fighting.

I am totally cool
with Stephanie cooking,

-bordering Zen.
-[car approaching]

[horn honks]

What, did those knuckleheads
park on my lawn?

[grunts]

Joey, my back is k*lling me.

What, did you refurbish these seats
with marbles and nails?

Your back is k*lling you 'cause
you're 90. Don't blame the clunker.

Clunker? She is a classic
with a million more miles of love to give.

Don't talk about her like that.

Guys, guys, stop fighting.

It's just Thanksgiving dinner.

Who's fighting?

-Let me see my granddaughter.
-Yeah.

Aw. Hey, cutie.

Hi.

Are you living up
to the Danny Tanner name?

You mean talking nonsense and gassy?
Yes, she is.

Hey, back off, Jess.

The last thing she needs to inhale
are the fumes from your black hair dye.

Hey, Joey. Wow.

Old Rosie's looking pretty good.

Well, actually, this is my newest project,
Rosie Two.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Last time I saw original Rosie,

I was eight
and drove her right through the kitchen.

Ah, ah, ah! [chuckles]

Oh, we don't talk of such things.

I told her that Rosie One is living
with a nice Chevy on a farm upstate.

[vocalizing]

Whoa, it is windy
at the Thanksgiving parade.

The Snoopy balloon almost flew
into SpongeBob's butt. Look.

Quiet. Check out this next performance.
It's a bonus Jonas, Lizzo,

and a snowman playing guitar.

That's not a snowman, that's Ed Sheeran.

That boy has got to get some sun.

Will you guys be quiet?

If your name's not Hoda,
I don't want to hear your voice.

Hey, Deej,
what time's dinner gonna be ready?

I've been fasting since 10:00 a.m.

It's only 10:30.

Didn't ask the time, I just want to know
when dinner's gonna be ready.

Well, actually, Dad,
DJ's not cooking dinner this year. I am.

What?!

I mean, "That's great, Steph."

You do know where the stove is, right?

Yeah, I had Max draw me
a map of the kitchen.

[exaggerated accent] As long as I get
cheesy potatoes in my belly!

Well, actually, there are not going to be
cheesy potatoes this year.

[all gasp]

No cheesy potatoes?

No, I found new recipes online.

From strangers?

Yes, yes, I know that this family
loves their holiday traditions,

but this year,
I'm excited to try something new.

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

[exaggerated accent]
Without cheesy potatoes?

How about
instead of complaining about side dishes,

you three go down to Uncle Monty's
and get the turkey out of the smoker?

One turkey doesn't seem like
a three-man job.

And I am counting Joey as a full man.

You know, I could be wrong,

but it sounds like
you're trying to get rid of us.

Oh, does it just sound that way?

[blowing discordant notes]

Oyez, oyez!

Introducing the newest citizen
of these United States,

Fernando, and his tribute to America.

We begin with a detailed history
of the Electoral College.

On second thought, I think
getting one turkey is a three-man job.

Let's go.

Where are you going?
You're going to miss my performance.

Exactly.

All right, I got the turkey. Let's go.

-Where's Joey?
-Hey, I'm in here.

Guys, check this out

[as Rocky Balboa]
"Yo, Adrian, I did it!"

That's the worst Rocky I've ever seen.

And I saw Rocky on Ice.

All right, come on.
Let's get out of here.

-[Danny chuckles]
-[door rattles]

Guys, we're locked in.

Very funny, Joey. Move aside.

We're not locked in.

Guys, we're locked in.

[pounding]

Oh, man, it is so cold in here.

Just relax. I'm gonna call the girls,

they'll come down here and get us out,

and... I have no reception!

And I have no reception either.

[knocking]

[whispering]
What took you so long?

I came as fast as I could.

And I brought my microwave.

It has a pizza button.

Okay. Were you followed?

By who?
What exactly did you get me involved with?

Only the most important mission
of the year: saving Thanksgiving.

[Steve gasps]

Idea for Hallmark movie:
Saving Thanksgiving.

[Steve gasps]

Honey, I love you, but I'm scared.

Stephanie has gone rogue.

She is not using
our traditional family recipe book.

Yeah, but she's still making
cheesy potatoes, right?

You may want to sit down for this.

[gasps] No cheesy potatoes?

Wait, then how come
I smell cheesy potatoes?

Because I have set up
an alternate pirate kitchen to cook 'em.

Yeah, she calls it a pirate kitchen,
but she won't let us wear eye patches.

No, Deej, it looks like you're cooking
a lot more than just cheesy potatoes.

Well, it started as cheesy potatoes,
but then...

Jackson, he wanted
the green bean casserole

and Max wanted
brown sugar sweet potatoes.

And of course, I had to make
Mom's picture-perfect pumpkin pie.

We've even got a ham
marinating in the bathtub.

Yeah. And I'm making a green salad,

because Stephanie is making
some watercress persimmon thing.

Oh, I love watercress persimmon thing.

You are on shaky ground, Steven Hale.

Okay, it's my turn
for the warm-lap turkey.

All right.

But if you take one nibble of that turkey,
I'm gonna bite your hand off.

Why haven't the girls noticed
that we're missing yet?

Because they don't care about us anymore.
We're old news.

Maybe you guys are old news,
but I'm still hot in Japan.

First, they try to get rid of us,
then they don't come and rescue us.

You know how many
Honeybee troop meetings

I went to when they were little?

It's unsettling
how the tables have turned.

They used to rely on us

and now we're sitting here
relying on them.

Man, time is going by way too fast.

[sighs]

Yeah, but the years
have been good to us.

I mean us, not Joey.

Just think about it, guys.
When I moved in,

I was a handsome exterminator, and now...

I'm not an exterminator.

I was so single and poor back then,
I was willing to move into the alcove.

Oh...

That day that I moved
that hockey mannequin

from the alcove into the garage
was one of the happiest days of my life.

And now I got Ginger and the kids
and I'm headlining in Vegas.

Well, Vegas-adjacent.
Phoenix, but it's close.

You know, when you guys moved in,
I was just the looking for love host

of Wake Up, San Francisco.

And now, I wear glasses.

Yeah, boys,
we've come a long way together.

And to think the three of us
almost didn't happen.

-What does that mean?
-Nothing!

No, no, no. Jesse just said
the three of us almost didn't happen.

Well, Danny didn't want you to move in
at first,

so it would have just been the two of us,
that's all I'm saying.

-Really, Danny?
-No.

You didn't want me to move in.

Okay, my entire adult life
has been one big lie.

Look what you've done.

♪ And now I'm looking at you
Cooking back at me ♪

Mmm, perfect.
Now all I need is the turkey.

Good morrow.

Wrong turkey.

We presenteth thee
A Thanksgiving Pageant, in one part,

by Fernando and the Gibbler Players.

Look, before you guys get too deep into
The Handmaid's Tale, or whatever this is--

[all] Blessed be the fruit.

Okay, have you seen
or heard from Dad and the guys?

The question and answer period
will begin after the performance,

so please hold all questions
for the next 45 minutes.

-Don't forget about the puppet show.
-Right. The next hour and 45 minutes.

The year is 1620.

It's the first Thanksgiving

and light snow is falling
upon Plymouth Rock.

Don't mind me, I'm just going to plug in
this really loud blender.

[loud whirring]

[whirring stops]

[gasps] She blocked the sun.

She's a witch.

I tripped the breaker, okay?
I'm going to go upstairs.

Egad!

The witch is escaping.

Husband, fetch the musket.

Hey, Deej?

Where's the circuit breaker again?

Hey!

What's going on?

It's so weird.

I plugged in one appliance
and the lights went out.

That usually only happens
when there's a bunch of stuff plugged in.

That is weird.

So very weird.

Hmm.

It smells so good up here.

Yeah, it's your food.

It's wafting.

It's so weird, though. I didn't smell it
all the way up the stairs.

Well, it travels in pockets. It...

[sniffs]

It finds the nose.
That's how wafting works.

[clattering]

-What was that?
-No, I wouldn't go in there.

Max can't find his holiday vest.

He's a wreck.

Oh, let me go talk to him.
I know how to get through to the kid.

No, no, no, no. No.

There's also a problem with the bow tie.
He's out of control.

Yeah, I will take care
of the circuit breaker.

I'll fix it in a jiffy...

[sniffs] ...but I smell
something burning downstairs.

You do?
That's weird, I don't smell anything.

That's the wafting. You better go.

Go, get! Get!

[Jesse]
Oh, Joey, please don't be sad.

Here, I made a scarf out of sausage
for you.

It may not keep you warm but it does
add a pop of color to your outfit.

Sure you don't want to keep 'em
for just you two?

[Danny]
Come on, Joey.

It doesn't matter how or when
you joined this family.

All that matters is
you're an incredibly important part of it.

Joey, you've been a good, loyal friend
for 30 years

and we appreciate you.

Go on.

Joey, it's nothing personal.
I've always loved you.

It's just after losing Pam...

it just felt strange
to have a comic move into the house.

I had young kids.

You had crazy hours.

You know,
we might not get out of here tonight,

and I may not be able to tell you this
at the Thanksgiving table:

how thankful I am

that I get to spend my life
with both of you.

[Joey sniffles]

Dang it. You two made my eyes water
and now they're frozen shut.

Come on, breathe on me.

[Danny and Jesse huffing]

I've awoken from my slumber.

I don't know which handsome prince
to marry.

Guys, we're gonna be okay.

Yeah.

Hey, Jess?

I think your hair turned to ice.

My gel must have froze.
Is it just that one spot?

Let's go with yes.

Without my hair, I'm nothing.

We gotta get out of this place. Move!

The only thing worse than death
is going bald.

I got this, guys. I got this.

-[bell jingles]
-Got it, guys! I got it!

[Joey] This is great. We're free!

-[Joey] All right, way to go.
-[Danny] Let's get out of here.

Yeah, way to go, Jess!

All right!

Guys?

-A little help, huh?
-[Joey] Oh, sorry.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

[vocalizing]

Hey, Deej, I need you!

Don't worry, I'm coming.

I have got you covered.

I knew you would...

pull it off.

Wow. Steph, it's beautiful.

Thanks. It is beautiful, isn't it?

I'm sorry that I ever doubted you.

And that's all I did.

Doubt you, nothing else.

Thanks, Deej.

If the guys would just get here with
my turkey,

everything would be perfect.

Guys, guys, stop fighting!

It's just Thanksgiving dinner!

Once again, nobody is fighting.

Oh, hey, Tommy. You got something
on your face there, buddy.

Cheesy potatoes.

Cheesy potatoes.

I didn't make any cheesy potatoes.

Oh, he probably heard that
in a rap song somewhere.

You made cheesy potatoes, didn't you?

Did you make anything else?

How could you even ask me that?

A green bean casserole?

[low voice]
"DJ didn't make that.

That was my green bean casserole."

That's what you think Cosmo sounds like?

-No, it's more like--
-Kimmy, not now!

Come on, Cosmo. Let's get out of here.

[exaggerated voice]
"Yes, I agree, Kimberlina."

You made a whole meal, didn't you?

Not a whole meal.

I didn't even try a turkey.

What happened to believing in me?

Well, I do believe in you.

It's just those crazy persimmon recipes
I have a problem with.

No, your problem is that you always want
everything your way.

You know,
why don't you go upstairs

to what I'm sure is a tiny Williams-Sonoma
up in the boys' room

and go eat your cheesy potatoes, okay?

'Cause I'm going to go to Uncle Monty's
and get my turkey.

Steph, I'm sorry.

You know, I don't want to hear it, Deej.

Where are your keys?
I need your car.

Dad took them.

Fine, Joey's car it is.

Cheesy potatoes.

Her head is a cheesy potato.

[engine starts]

I'm in the house...

and I'm still in the car.

Again.

Oh, no.

Maybe no one will notice.

Hi, Tommy.

There's a car in the kitchen.

There is?

Oh, my flashback!

Stephanie, are you hurt?

No, no, I'm okay.

I can't believe I did this again.

And I ruined Thanksgiving.

No, no, no, as long as you're okay.

I am until Dad sees his house
and Joey sees his car.

No, this is all my fault.

I should have trusted you
in the first place.

Then you never would have gotten mad
and you never would have driven the car.

So, you'll tell Dad you did this?

Oh, he'll never believe that.

Well,
I'm just glad you're such a control freak

that you made an entire back-up dinner,

which we're actually going to need.

["America" playing]

I must have hit my head
because I hear music.

So do I.

♪ Far ♪

♪ We've been traveling far♪

♪ Without a home ♪

♪ Not without a star ♪

-♪ Free ♪
-♪ Free, free, free ♪

-♪ Only want to be free ♪
-♪ Free, free, free ♪

♪ We huddle close ♪

-♪ Hang on to a dream ♪
-♪ Dream ♪

♪ On the boats and on the planes♪

♪ We're coming to America♪

♪ Today ♪

[all cheering]

We should have stayed in the freezer.

Yeah, my turkey is getting cold.
I'll go in the kitchen and warm it up.

-I'm starving, we gotta eat!
-Guys!

Before you go in the kitchen, you might...

My car!

My kitchen!

My dinner!

My country, 'tis of thee!

♪ Today! ♪

That's right, Merv.
I'd like to file a claim

because my daughter
drove through the kitchen again.

Very funny. No, she's not eight,
but she should have known better.

Bye.

Dad, Joey, I am so sorry.

I'd like to promise that this won't happen
a third time, but...

obviously, I can't guarantee that.

That's okay, sweetheart.
I'm just thankful you're not hurt.

Don't worry about it, Steph.
It's just a car.

Plus, I've got Rosie Three back in Vegas,

which you'll never see, by the way.

I think
you guys are all missing the point here.

We got out of that freezer
before I went bald!

[chuckling]

We would have come to get you,

but we've been
dealing with typical Thanksgiving things.

You know, a car in the kitchen,
a kitchen in the bedroom,

and Fernando explaining America to people
who've lived here our entire lives.

[southern accent]
That's very American of me.

Well, I'm thankful you're here.

America is so much fuller
with you in it, my love.

Hey, Deej.

At the risk of being
on shaky ground again,

you got to try this persimmon salad.

Yeah, my palate rarely matches
Sandwich Steve, but the kid's right.

Think we have a new recipe for the book.

[Steve] Hey! All right.

You guys, I know I make a really big deal
about these traditions, but...

you have to understand,
for me, things like cheesy potatoes

aren't just about potatoes
with cheese on them.

Well, what are they?

Is it people?

In a way, it is.

[all groaning, spitting]

[DJ] No! No!

No, I mean it's a metaphor.

Thanksgiving is about people.

The people you love and the people
I'm most grateful for in the world

are sitting right here in this house.

I just love you guys,

and getting together every year
is the greatest tradition of all.

Oh, Deej.

I love how much you care
about maintaining our family traditions.

Thank you.

And I promise to leave room
for new ones.

Just as long as one of them
isn't driving through the kitchen.

[Dani crying]

I think somebody's hungry.

[laughs]

Oh.

I think it's time for Danielle's
first piece of solid food.

And I know just what it should be.

Mom's picture perfect pumpkin pie.

You can't feed a baby pumpkin pie.

It's just pumpkin puree,
but she doesn't have to know that.

That's nice, another family tradition.

Lying to babies.

[cooing, chattering]

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]