05x14 - Basic Training

[bunniefuu]

[theme song playing]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paper boy
The evening TV ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
Somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

So, I said to his teacher, "Mrs. Garner,

You want to move Max up a grade?
But the school year's already started."

-And she said, "Max is so advanced..."
-[Kimmy, Steph mouthing silently]

"...fifth grade is a waste of his time."

Hasn't she run out of people to brag to

that Max is skipping a grade
and starting middle school?

Yeah, okay, Dr. Reubenstein,
I'll let you finish that root canal.

What? Can't a mom be proud?

Well, there's proud
and then there's whatever you're doing.

But Max does seem pretty excited
to hang out with the older kids.

When I was his age, the only older kids
I had to hang out with were you two.

Luckily, you were very immature.

That is so not true.

Hey, look.
I spelled "booger" with my Alpha-Bits.

[Kimmy laughing]

Well, Max was born a 40-year-old.

Try 80.

The other day he told me to... [as Max]
"Enjoy these days, they pass so quickly."

Then he gave me a dollar.

Hey, what are you guys doing up on time?

Trust me, I didn't want to be.
Max was up at dawn, exfoliating.

Yeah, and then he came to my room
to borrow my moisturizer

and kept calling it "drug store trash."

Good morning,
Aunt, Brother, Mother, and Gibblers.

Said in no particular order or bias.

Ah, you went with the three-piece suit.

I'm in a new school with new kids.

Never get a second chance to make
a first impression.

My first impression in middle school
was...

[as Obama] Barack Obama.

Good luck b*ating that.

Wow, the back door is always open, too.

Hey, Ethan.
Thanks for driving us to school today.

I couldn't wait to see you.

Aw!

Ew, guys. Come on. It's way too early
in the morning for that.

-Bye, Mom.
-Bye!

[vocalizing]

You're probably wondering
why I called you here.

No, I am not.

You called us here?

I just came for a free sandwich.

We have a problem.

Oh, no.

Are there possums in the kitchen again?

-There were possums in the kitchen?
-Shh!

Steve is talking.

Okay, so, you know how every year,

Uncle Monty's holds
a sandwich-eating contest,

where we compete against a customer
for free sandwiches?

I am co-owner of the Sandwich Emporium
and I have never heard of this contest.

Wow, you guys really need
to read my deli/podiatry blog,

Meat and Feet.

For years, Uncle Monty was unbeatable...

until a customer came along
with an appetite

even bigger than Uncle Monty himself.

Who could match the legendary
sandwich capacity of Uncle Monty?

Berkowitz.

[gasping]

Now that we own the store,

one of us has to take him on

to try to reclaim the coveted
Golden Submarine trophy.

He's even eating a sandwich
in the picture.

We couldn't find one where he wasn't.

♪ Hey, hey, ooh ♪

[DJ] How was your day, honey?

Oh, you're not Max.

I'm not Max but I do like
a stale cookie. Mmm.

They're not stale, they're biscotti.

Which is Italian for "stale cookies."

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Hands off, those are for Max and me

and our annual
first day of school download.

We chat, we snack...

I call it Snack Chat.

What's your yearly banner budget?

You don't want to know.

Oh, there he is.

Time for Snack Chat.

How was your day?

Fine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where are you going?
I've got Earl Grey, I've got biscotti...

Oh, and I even printed pictures
of your teachers

so we can play Who Teaches What?

Skinny mustache, skinny tie:
gotta be biology, right?

Whatever. Got homework.

-That was weird, right?
-I know.

I've never seen him
with his shirt untucked.

Even as a baby,
his onesie was tucked into his diaper.

I know what just happened.

Jackson went through the same thing.

We just witnessed typical
middle school boy behavior.

"Bruh."

"That was low-key cringe."

"Game over."

"Yeet."

[vocalizing]

Tonight, the winner of the family eat-off
will have the honor

to represent Uncle Monty's.

From the beginning of time, great moments
have been born of great opportunities--

Okay, can it there, Mighty Ducks.

Now, with Jimmy out of town,
it is obvious the winner will be Jackson.

You guys remember how much coleslaw
he ate for his birthday?

I didn't know it was for everyone.

Jackson, it was in a serving bowl
with a giant spoon.

Stephanie does have a point.
Who eats more than a teenage boy?

How about a 40-year-old man
who just crushed his Zumba class?

Excuse me.

I'm famous for eating sandwiches.

For two decades,
it's literally all you knew about me.

Wait. Hey, what about me?

What about you?

Uh, I have just as much of a chance to win
as any of you.

Heh.

Cute.

Now, we're gonna settle this
the old-fashioned way:

by speed eating hoagies.

Okay, ready, set...

go.

Five, four,

three, two...

Sandwiches down.

That was a nice warm-up.

Okay, who wants to do this for real?

Ramona, did you just eat six sandwiches?

Seven, actually, and a few pickles
just to show off.

Let this be a lesson to you all.

Well...

looks like the new Uncle Monty
is Ramona Beatrice Gibbler.

Make way for this Notorious RBG.

You gonna finish that?

♪ Ooh, la la, ooh, la la ♪

Here's your lunch.

No, thanks.

After last night, I can't look
at another sandwich.

Still stuffed?

No.

A sandwich represents all my failures.

[laughs] That's funny.

Your mother represents all of mine.

What's up, dudes?

Dudes?

Did that come out of you?

Is it dress-up day at school?

'Cause if so,
you are nailing basic American bro.

No khakis, no vest. Ha, ha, ha.

Very funny, Max. Go upstairs and change.
You're gonna be late for school.

It's all good.
I'm rocking this today, baby.

Did you just call me "baby"?

Sure did, shawty.

Max, did something happen
at school yesterday?

Whoa, fall back, Mom.

I'm in middle school now.

I retired my vest and ties.
I'm not a child anymore.

Well, you look like someone I know.
I just can't put my finger on it.

Hey, everybody.

Whoa, they're bro twins.

My man, love the threads.

Dude!

[both growl]

Ready to head to the shelter
for a little volunteer work?

Uh, one second.

Max, are you sure you're okay?

I'm great.

But do you mind running to the mall
and grabbing me some sweatpants?

You always say sweatpants
are a cry for help.

That was the old Max.

Later, skater. [clicks tongue]

I like that kid.

Go wait in the car.

[clicks tongue]

[vocalizing]

Ramona, darling, sit down.

It's time we told you the truth.

Is something wrong?

Yes.

You have more of our genes
than is considered safe.

The amount of sandwiches
you ate last night

is not an anomaly.

You come from a long line
of competitive eaters, on both sides.

Okay, well, if I have this superpower,

then I want to use it
for the greater good.

And winning this eating contest
is gonna be the perfect opportunity

to show the world
that women can do anything.

Even b*at a guy like Berkowitz.

But you must nurture and hone this gift.

And believe.

I do believe.

Now, make me a champion.

[triumphant music playing]

[Kimmy] Fifty-two.

Fifty-three. You can do it.

Come on, keep going! Faster!

Fifty-four!

[Fernando clapping]

Gibblers don't quit. Keep going!

-Faster!
-More!

-[triumphant music continues]
-[whistle blaring]

[Fernando] Yeah!

Good job. You've got this!
You've got this!

[vocalizing]

[Matt] Ooh!

Hey, quite a turnout.

-Where's Max?
-Oh, he's right there.

-Ooh!
-Booyah!

That's Max? He's wearing cargo shorts.

I've never seen his knees before.

He told DJ this morning he dropped debate
to take wood shop.

And then he told me a fart joke.

[laughing]

Which one?

I mean, how is DJ handling all this?

She's at the mall right now
buying him sweatpants

and questioning
every parenting choice she's ever made.

Welcome, everyone,

to the annual
Uncle Monty's Sandwich Eat-Off.

[cheering]

In this corner,
our returning champion, Berkowitz!

Yeah! Berk! Berk! Berk! Berk!
Berk! Berk! Berk! Berk!

And now, our challenger.

She's talented, sweet, and loves to eat.

Ramona Gibbler!

[cheering]

We finally meet, Berkowitz.

What's up, Fun Size?

Shouldn't you be eating your Lunchables?

What, you think you got
what it takes?

[scoffs] Do I look like I don't?

You're right. I'm going to rescind
that question, but keep the attitude.

-Hey, Ramona.
-Ethan.

Hey, you're here.

Why are you here?

To cheer on my amazing girlfriend.
I want to support you.

You really didn't have to do that, like,
really, really didn't have to do that.

I wouldn't have missed this for anything.

[chuckles nervously]

All right, eaters.

The sandwiches are ready.

Great.

Um...

Just excuse me one sec.

Ramona!

She's forfeiting, I knew it! [laughs]

Berkowitz win!

Okay, not so fast, all right.

I'm gonna go check and see how she is.

Chop-chop, girlfriend.
I don't wanna be late for my spin class.

Didn't you read the sign? Employees only.

Oh, come on.

No one actually works here.

What happened out there?

It's no big deal, it's just...

a stomach thing
and a breathing thing, and a...

a sweating thing.
Am I sweating? I'm sweating, aren't I?

It's just performance anxiety.

I promise, once you're out there,
the nerves are gonna go away.

I need Ethan to go away.

Oh.

So that's what this is all about.

Ethan's gonna see me
shoving food in my face,

and I know I'm supposed to be
all warrior woman, but...

I don't want my boyfriend to see me so...

Unfeminine?

Yeah.

And I hate myself for caring
that he's gonna see me like that.

I didn't think I was the kind of girl
to care, the woman to care.

I'm a disgrace to my gender.

No.

No, you're not.

You are your gender.

Women get all these mixed signals.
We're told to act like one of the boys.

But... then when we do,
the boys get intimidated.

-It's infuriating.
-And exhausting.

Look, Ramona, one of the most liberating
things I ever did

was to stop caring what people thought
about me.

Even DJ?

Well, let's not get crazy.

So...

if a guy thinks me power eating against
a 300-pound man is wrong, then...

he's wrong for me.

You said it, sister.

Come here.

Mmm.

Now, go out there and eat like a girl.

-[triumphant music playing]
-[audience cheering]

Go, Ramona!

You're a Gibbler with the gift of gobble,

so keep gobbling, Gibbler!

You got him on the ropes.
Now finish him, Ro-Ro.

Ro-Ro?

Now he's using unclever nicknames?

What, are you tapping out there,
Little Debbie?

You wish, Jerkowitz.

You can do it, Ramona!

All right, three, two, one!

[blows horn]

Sandwiches down.

Berkowitz, 12 sandwiches.

Yes! Personal best!

Berkowitz wins, baby! Yeah!

Ramona Gibbler ate 13 sandwiches.

Yes! Gibbler wins, baby!

Ramona Gibbler reclaims the Golden Sub
for Uncle Monty!

Oh!

-She did it!
-[all cheering]

You're pretty tough.

Thanks, kid.

So was that turkey.

I'm going to be Yelping about that.

That was the most amazing thing
I've ever seen.

Really? It didn't gross you out
even a little bit?

Nothing you do could gross me out.

Aw!

[gasping]

Attention, everyone!

There is not a possum in the kitchen.

But, please, exit immediately
before you get bitten

by not... a possum.

[vocalizing]

Look at this.

Max had me buy him pants
with an elastic waistband.

I didn't want to tell you, but earlier,

I heard him burp the entire alphabet.

P through Z was a struggle,
but he muscled through it.

What did I do?

Well, I pushed him too hard.

I had such high expectations for Max

and I thought if anyone could handle
this jump, it would be him.

[groans]

I'm a terrible mother.

No, you're not.

You did what you thought was best.

And you thought wrong.

Thanks a lot, Kimmy.

Well, nobody could have predicted
that he would go in this direction.

Actually...
maybe I could have predicted it.

You?

I think I know what this is about.

This is field trip to Fisherman's Wharf
all over again.

Of course.

Definitely field trip
to Fisherman's Wharf.

Come on.

[sighs]

You've led me astray long enough,
Calvin Klein.

It's over.

[DJ] Hey, Max.

I got you those sweatpants
and a... shirt with a sports logo.

Awesome, I was just getting rid of some of
my baby clothes to make room for them.

Uh, hey, buddy, did I ever tell you
about the field trip

Kimmy and I took to Fisherman's Wharf?

We were in the third grade,

and Kimmy was sitting on the bus alone,

wearing her classic bacon and egg scarf.

That's why I was alone.

All the kids always made fun of it.

Nobody wanted to sit with me
because they thought I was weird.

But then, somebody did sit next to me.
Do you know who that was?

Let me guess. My mom.

How did you know?

We're having a heart-to-heart talk
and if it wasn't my mom,

this would be kind of pointless.

Well, that bacon and egg scarf
was the reason I knew

I had to be friends with Kimmy.

I mean, someone who wore that
had to be fun and exciting.

I'm a very dynamic individual, Max.

I loved how unique Kimmy was,

and if she changed herself to fit in,
I would have never noticed her.

Well, I don't have a DJ.

At lunch, I heard the kids
who dress like this

say that I looked like an extra
from Young Sheldon.

An extra, not even the lead!

I ate lunch alone.

All these kids laughed at me.

And I could hear them the whole time.

Oh, Max, I'm so sorry.

I know I've always been a little different
than the other kids...

but I've never cared before.

But I guess middle school
is just different.

So I thought it'd be safer
just to blend in.

That way they'd leave me alone.

I want the names of those kids
and their phone numbers

because I am going to tear them--

Fall back, Mama Bear.

Look.

I know it seems like blending in
is better right now.

Trust me, Max,

kids like us were meant to stand out.

Life might be more complicated and...

it may take a little longer to find
our place in this world,

but once we do...

it's filled with true support and love.

Max, you are so special,
and we love who you are.

And you will find people
at your school and in life

who will appreciate the authentic Max.

Just like your mom found me.

Really?

I promise.

What a relief.

Oh, I'm sorry, Calvin Klein.
I will never abandon you again.

Oh, my boy is back.

[vocalizing]

There you go, Mama.

-You've earned this.
-We all did.

You got Ramona through her issue
and you got Max and me through ours.

Yeah, we are pretty great.

To us.

And to our children.

May we nurture their talents,
whatever they may be.

And may they dress however they like
and be whoever they are.

Yeah, and may they poop once a day
and sleep through the night.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

[Dani crying]

Well, so much for that.

Thank you.

[theme music playing]
♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]