05x15 - Be Yourself, Free Yourself

[bunniefuu]

[theme song plays]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪

♪ The milkman, the paper boy
The evening TV ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a face, there's a face

♪ Somebody who needs you
There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Whoa whoa-oh-oh ♪

[DJ] Aww!

It's Stephanie and baby Danielle's
first banner!

[Jimmy] Ooh!

Well, that'll just about do it.

Stephanie is gonna be back
from her tour with Lisa Loeb any minute,

so I made a trail of rose petals
leading upstairs

where she'll find a bubble bath

with candles and a glass
of her favorite champagne:

beer.

Jimmy, she's going to be so excited,

and I'm so excited I get to use
my new Shop-Vac after to clean it all up.

[lock rattling]

Oh, she's here.

-[all] Surprise!
-[loud popping]

I knew this day was upon us.

The Clown Wars have begun!

Let me get my confetti cannon
and giant shoes.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

We thought you were Stephanie.

After all this time,
you can't tell us apart?

I'm the sexy, sassy one,
who isn't marrying my brother.

Surprise!

[all exclaim]

Stephanie, you were supposed
to come through the front door.

Don't you know how surprises work?

I'm just so happy you guys are home.

See? [chuckles]

[giggles]

Oh, this is such a nice surprise.

But we were only gone a couple of days.

Wait, is it my birthday?

Is it your birthday?

Am I dying? Who's dying?

No one is dying.

I just love you and I wanted you
to feel welcome when you came home.

Now, follow the path to the bubble bath
your fiancé drew for you.

And not to brag, but the rubber ducky
was my idea.

Well, thank goodness.

I can't wait to get the smell
of Albuquerque off of me.

Good luck with that.

Jimmy, honey,
this is so thoughtful of you...

and I was thinking of you, too.

That's why I brought you
a half-eaten package of airline peanuts.

Wow! It's like Christmas in December.

♪ Hey ♪

[vocalizing]

Hi, guys. Bye, guys.

Why are you in such a rush?

Oh, it's my busiest time of year
at the pet clinic: Flea Dip Week.

"For a reasonable fee,
we'll get rid of your fleas."

You're not actually gonna say that
to anyone, are you?

Um, not anymore.

I'm Pamela's father and I want to know
who did it!

Uncle Jesse, is everything okay?

You know, this is a crime, okay?

Should I call the police?

This is gonna haunt her
for the rest of her life.

Should I call the Ghostbusters?

Fine. You know what?
I'll find out who did it myself.

Hey, did you know there's a version
of Ghostbusters with men?

Focus, people, focus!

I just found out that Pamela
got bit at school yesterday.

I got a Band-Aid.

Oh, you got a boo-boo?

Come on, let's go get you some candy
from my secret stash.

Did you hear that?

She said she has a secret stash.

Yeah, I know. It's called a drawer.

Yes, but which drawer is the question.

The teacher won't tell me who bit her,
Pamela won't tell me who bit her.

How am I gonna send her back there
to bite the kid back?

Uncle Jesse,
that's not how we handle things anymore.

Right, those pesky cell phones.
People record everything these days.

No, I mean we don't teach our kids
to bite back.

You have to let the teacher handle it.

Why? Remember all those years ago
when someone pinched Michelle?

I said, "Go pinch him back."

The '90s sound like dark days.

Yeah, and how'd that plan
work out for you?

I don't need a history lesson,
I'm trying to solve a crime here.

-Right, Tommy?
-Right.

You don't think maybe
you should run this by Aunt Becky?

[imitates mockingly]

Aunt Becky is in Nebraska
helping out her mother.

I don't want to bother her
with a tiny little thing like this.

-Right, Tommy?
-Right.

Right, because she'd tell you not to do
what you're about to do.

Exactly!

♪ La, la, la la, la, la la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ When I say "flea," you say "dip" ♪

♪ Flea... ♪

Where's Janet?
She's supposed to say "dip."

[dog barking in next room]

Oh, good, Deej, you're here.
The place is out of control.

Janet has the flu,
can't come in this week.

Oh, no. Poor Janet.

Poor Janet? Poor us.

It is Flea Dip Week.

[chuckles nervously]

We can't be without a receptionist, Deej.
What are we gonna do?

-♪ When I say "flea," you say... ♪
-♪ Dip! ♪

-♪ Flea, flea ♪
-♪ Dip, dip ♪

That's how you do it, people.

You were in such a hurry
to leave the house, you forgot your lunch.

Which I ate.

So I stopped on the way here
and got you guys some soup.

Oh, thanks, Kimmy, you are a lifesaver.

Kimmy, you are a lifesaver.

We need someone to fill in for Janet
for the next couple of days.

Are you up for it?

Really?
You trust me to work in your office?

Of course.

Would you need references?
Because I can't provide any.

Kimmy, I've know you for 30 years.
I trust you.

Well, great.

Okay, uh, so where do you need me?

Surgery, X-ray, neuter a schnauzer?

Answering the phones.

Are you sure I should be doing that
while neutering a Schnauzer?

No, just answering the phone.

-[phone ringing]
-Oh!

Ooh! Let me get it!
Let me get it!

[clears throat]

Harmon-Fuller Pet Care.

[grunts]

I'm a natural.

Uh, Deej, um...

Okay...

[Matt clears throat]

Are you sure it's a good idea to have
Kimmy working here?

I mean,
friends and business just never mix.

Well, we're friends and we work together.

Right, um...

Let me put this another way.

Kimmy is, um...

Kimmy.

Kimmy is a successful business owner

and she's more than capable
of keeping our office running.

So if you don't think
she deserves a sh*t, then...

maybe you don't deserve that soup.

It's in a bread bowl. She can stay.

[vocalizing]

Mmm.

Is that a perfectly tossed
watercress salad?

Yeah, Jimmy made it with light dressing.

That's exactly how you like it.

You have a very considerate fiancé.

Yeah, I do.

Very, very considerate.

He's considerate. [chuckles]

So what? So am I.

If you say so.

Wait.

You... you think I'm considerate, right?

Yes, you are quick-witted.

Are you avoiding my question?

Yes, I think I do hear the mailman.

Ah, ah, ah!

You don't think I'm considerate?

Of course I do.

Except that one time,
you forgot Jimmy's birthday.

And that one time that you didn't notice
his haircut.

And that one time that you drove home
with Jimmy on the roof of the car.

Oh, my gosh, you're right.
I'm a jerk.

I did not say that.

I used to do nice things for Jimmy
all the time.

Lately, I've been so busy with the baby
and my music career.

I can't remember the last time
I did something special for him.

Perhaps you need to be more giving.

Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

[chuckles]

How do I do that?

You can start with this salad.

Being considerate is fun.

So good.

♪ Ooh la, la la, la ♪

Kids, the reason why I gathered
you all here today is because I'm having

an after-school
playdate/sting operation...

to find out who bit your cousin.

Of course you have.

Wait, why are you doing it here?

I don't want them to know where I live.
There's a biter amongst them.

Then why are they coming where I live?

Why you asking so many questions?

I'm trying to solve a mystery here.

Yeah, me too.

Why are we here?

Because I need you guys to do recon.

I need you to pass out a cookie
to a potential perp.

That way, I'm going to match the bite mark

to the bite mark on your cousin's arm.

I'm going to find out
which little creep bit her.

Then, Pamela or myself
will bite the little creep back.

So best case scenario,
this ends with someone biting a child.

Yes.

Huh. Legally, this would probably be
a good time for us to leave,

but I'm kind of curious to see
how this plays out.

[doorbell rings]

Remember the plan, okay?

Hey, hi, everybody.
Welcome to an after-school playdate

with no particular reason
or hidden agenda whatsoever.

Come on in.

Hey, come on in.

There you go.

Pocket Papa,
we've reached our destination.

Well, if it isn't Man-Bun Boy.

After the gender reveal party,
you never called me.

Oh, it's...

-Really, it's nothing personal.
-Yeah.

I was so moved by your song, I cried.

Mm-hmm.

Plus, you said we were, and I quote,

"buds."

Nah. Must have been another
handsome guy with great hair.

I wouldn't say that, no.

-Come on in, Glen.
-It's Ben.

-Ben?
-It's Ben.

Well, let's compromise.

Pete. Come on in, Pete.

[vocalizing]

Kimmy, what are all the medical files
doing out?

Oh, I've reorganized all the pets
according to adorability.

Obviously, Cosmo's the cutest,

and then it works
all the way down to Muffin,

with the unfortunate underbite.

Uh, Kimmy, you...
you can't change the filing system.

Matt and I like things the way they are.

You need to get out of your comfort zone.
A to Z is so last year.

Sharon, this will be a day
you will never forget.

What's going on?

Schlomo is turning 13,

so we're throwing him a "bark mitzvah"
here on Saturday.

Oh, look at this shayna punim. Oh!

Bye, Schlomo. Mazel tov.

See you Saturday.

Saturday? Kimmy, that's our busiest day.

Oh, don't worry,
I canceled all of your appointments.

We can't have customers
blocking the ice cream sundae bar.

No, Kimmy, we can't close for a dog party.

It's totally worth it.

It will be excellent word-of-mouth.

I promise it will be
the "bark mitzvah" of the century.

The Goldsteins are gonna plotz.

-Hey, Deej.
-Hi.

How's Comet Jr., Jr.?

She's great.
Dipped, dried, and ready to go.

Yo, Steve-O.
Hey, Deej, I've got a question.

Did you know that we are hosting something
called a "bark mitzvah" this Saturday?

Oh, good, the Evite went out.

I'm a definite yes.

Comet Jr., Jr. will not leave
the dance floor.

I'll update the guest list.

Yeah, that is Kimmy making great happen.

Deej, we are overworked as it is.
Now we're hosting parties for dogs?

No, it's totally worth it.

It's excellent word-of-mouth,

and I promise, it will be
the "bark mitzvah" of the century.

The Goldsteins are gonna plotz!

Oy vey, I'm shvitzing already.

Next!

So, uh, Kimmy's working here?

How's that going?

-It's great. It's great.

-That bad, huh?
-Worse.

That makes sense 'cause Kimmy is,
you know, Kimmy.

Kimmy's my best friend.

I mean, I can't get rid of her and...

Besides, she's only had one boss
who hasn't fired her.

-Who's that?
-Herself.

I just-- I can't let her go.
She would be devastated,

and I can't do that to her.

[phone ringing]

Kimmy!

Harmon-Fuller Pet Care.

What are you doing answering the phones?

Oh. Well, Saturday,
a dog's becoming a man, and it's...

Long story. What's up, Steph?

I've really slacked off
in the fiancée department.

I want Jimmy to know how much I care.

You just need to make him feel special.

When was the last time you made dinner?

When I drove a car through the kitchen.

Yeah, don't do that.

But do make him dinner.

[Jesse hums, imitates rattle]

What do ya got?

Well, we've come to a conclusion.

You found the biter?

No.

But we found out it's not easy
taking a cookie from a kid.

And we also found out
that none of the kids

match the bite marks on Pamela's arm.

There's five cookies here
and there's six kids.

What kind of shoddy detective work
is this?

The kind that's free and against our will.

Okay, I'll take care of this myself.

Hi, kids, which one of you
didn't get a cookie, huh?

Cookie? Cookie? Cookie?
Cookie? Cookie? Cookie?

Not for Finn, because he knows better
than to have processed sugar.

Oh.

You're one of those
hipster helicopter parents, I got it.

Finn, how would you like
a nice, sweet apple slice?

Is it organic, or...

Yeah, let's go with that. Sure.

Did I say "organic"?

I meant it's lathered in
bug-k*lling chemicals.

-That was close. Good looking out.
-Yeah. Hey.

Where's Pamela?

In the kitchen watching Aunt Steph cook.

Okay.

Aunt Steph's cooking?

Thank God I parked in front.

Hey. [stammers]

Why are you dressed like that?

Why are you snatching cookies
from children?

I am trying to solve a crime.

I think you're committing one.

Let me just see this real fast.

Let me see here.

Ah-ha!

A perfect match. We got ourselves
a biter. Come on, come on.

You're going down Glen, or Gwen,
or whatever your name is.

Hey, Pocket Papa, get your app over here.

'Sup, bro?

Your son bit my daughter.

Are you sure?
He doesn't have a history of biting.

Misusing gender pronouns, sure,
but biting, no.

The bite mark on this apple
matches perfectly with the bite mark

that my daughter got yesterday at school.

-Oh, that's not possible.
-Why?

Because you gluten-intolerant,
participation-trophy-givin'...

-No. He couldn't have.
-...third-party-- He couldn't have?

Any problem with your kid is somehow
our problem?

No, he wasn't at school.
We were at Disneyland!

-What?
-I know.

I know. I gave my money
to a faceless corporate conglomerate.

I'm so ashamed.

-You were at Disneyland?
-We had a great time. I had a churro.

Be better, Ben!

Wait a minute, if your kid
didn't bite my kid, then who did?

Oh.

Pamela, what are you doing?

Why are you biting yourself?

I like Band-Aids.

You like Band-Aids?
That's why you were biting yourself? Oh.

Sweetie, just ask for a Band-Aid.
I'll give you a hundred Band-Aids.

Please don't bite yourself anymore.

Okay, Daddy.

Ben, is it?

Do you have something to say
about us new age hipster parents?

Yes, I'm sorry for being the jerk
that I thought you were.

I forgive you.

Because forgiveness is a hug
you give to your soul.

Mm-hmm.

Now, how about a real one, bud?

Well, the soul hug was enough, wasn't it?
No?

This is why I never called you back.

[vocalizing]

-Honey, you're home!
-[Jimmy] Wow.

This is quite a welcome.

Wait, why are you wearing that?

Is it Halloween?

Am I dying? Who's dying?

Honey, nobody is dying.

I'm just happy you're home.

Now, have a seat.

I've got all of your favorites.

Fried chicken, Sunny D,
and even a word jumble.

Oh, wow.

This is amazing,
or as word jumble would say,

"Zingama."

I even did some laundry today and you'll
never guess what I stumbled across.

The baseball T-shirt that you were wearing
the first time we kissed.

What? I've been looking for that
for months. How did you find it?

Well, turns out I stole it from you.

But I'm so considerate that I returned it,
washed and ready to go.

Oh, my gosh, Stephanie, you're the best!

Ta-da!

Oh, no.

I must have shrunk it in the dryer.

Oh, I can't do anything right.

Oh, no, no, it's okay.
I'm sure it will stretch. Let me just...

give it the old Jimmy try here.

Um...

Yeah, it's perfect.

I, uh, I liked it as a shirt,
but I love it as a hat.

I'm sorry I ruined it.

But I do have one more
surprise for you.

I made you a very special dessert.

-Oh, pie?
-No.

Mud pie?

-No.
-Apple crumble?

I'm gonna get the cake.

Ooh, I made it just for you.

It is red velvet.

Now,
you know I'm allergic to red food dye?

Of course. That's why this one
is completely organic and dye-free.

[Jimmy] Ah!

Mmm!

Delicious.
How'd you get it red without the dye?

I used beets.

Oh.

I'm very allergic to beets.

Maybe that's why I can't feel
the left side of my face.

[stammering]
You can't feel your what?

[slurring]
Oh, there goes the other side.

No, no, no, Jimmy, just put it down.

[slurred] But you made it with love.

[phone ringing]

Kimmy, can you answer the...

[phone continues ringing]

Harmon-Fuller Pet Care,
can you please hold?

-Kimmy?
-[Matt] Kimmy, can you grab Buster's file?

You bet she can!

Kimmy!

Hey, Deej.

I'm drumming up more customers
with my sweet sign-spinning skills.

[groans] You are k*lling me, Gibbler.

What's happening? Where's Kimmy?

Um, she's...

she's in the bathroom crying
because you are not being very supportive,

and she cares so much.

Is that her in a dog suit spinning a sign?

If you're wearing a dog suit,
you gotta spin something, right?

Deej, come on.

We all love Kimmy,
but you know this isn't working out.

Yeah, fine.

I know, I'll take care of it.
You were right.

[gasps] Yes, I knew it.

It only took five years,
but DJ Fuller said I was right.

[Matt chuckles]

Ooh.

Gia owes me 20 bucks.

Come on.

Kimmy!

Can we talk?

Oh, sure. I could use a bowl of water.

What's up, Deej?

I have good news for you.

You are too talented for this place.
We do not deserve you.

Oh, no.

That's what they said when they canned me
at Hot Dog on a Stick.

You're f*ring me.

No, no, I'm setting you free to pursue
greater opportunities.

That's what they said
at Bed Bath & Beyond

when they told me to go
beyond the entrance and never come back.

Why can't I keep a job
for even one day?

Because you're Kimmy.

You weren't meant to have a regular job.
You were meant...

to be your own self-employed
party planner.

I have been pretty successful.

The things that make you not so good here
are what make you great in your real job.

Now that you mention it,

I have been suffocating
in this rigid corporate environment.

You're not a filer or a phone answerer.

You are a dog-suit-wearing,
party-planning boss lady.

That's me in a nutshell.

But you were still willing to help me out,

and that's why you're my best friend.

Thanks, Deej.

You're a wonderful friend, too.

[phone ringing]

-Want me to get that for old times' sake?
-No.

Harmon-Fuller Pet Care.

Steph?

[gasps] I'll be right there.

-I'll be back as soon as I can.
-What's wrong?

Stephanie tried to cook.

Hey, Steph, we got here soon as we could.

Oh, thank you. This is so nice of you,

but you guys both didn't have to come.

Oh, it's okay. I had to get out of
a weird playdate, anyway.

You know, in a past life,
I was an ER doctor, so...

How's Jimmy?

[stammers] He's fine.
They're taping up his toe right now.

It's just a minor fracture.

Wait, a fracture?
I thought you poisoned him.

Well, Benadryl took care of that, but...

when I was rushing to get it,
I knocked over a chair and broke his toe.

You are literally loving him to death.

I know.

He deserves better.

Just... I have so much on my plate
right now, you know,

with the baby and my music career.

I feel like Jimmy's getting lost
in the shuffle.

That's just part of being a couple.
You always wonder if you're doing enough.

I just messed it all up.

I don't know, maybe I'm just not good
at taking care of people.

What are you talking about?

You gave up your whole life

to come and move in and take care of me
and the kids when I needed you the most.

So, you're saying there's still hope
for me yet?

Oh, come on. Jimmy adores you.

You see the way he looks at you
when you hold that baby?

He's right.

Steph, before I met you,

I was just living in an RV
in a Walmart parking lot,

eating nothing but french fries.

And now, my life is even better.

I've got a baby, a fiancée, a home,

and a business,
and that's... that's all because of you.

Oh.

You said I'm better than
french fries. [chuckles]

Hey, maybe that's what makes us work.

It's that we're both just so happy
to have found each other.

Mmm.

I love you, Jimmy.

I love you too, Steph.

[DJ, Jesse] Aww.

You get the feeling we should have left
a while ago?

One hundred percent.

All right, come on, ladies
and Uncle Jesse. Don't slow down.

We have to eat this cake
before Jimmy does.

For Jimmy!

See, Steph,
this was very thoughtful of you.

[Jesse] Mm-hmm.

Jimmy is very lucky to have you.

And I'm lucky to have a friend
who isn't afraid to tell me the truth.

Aww, so no hard feelings about today?

Not at all.

I talked Schlomo's family into moving
the "bark mitzvah" to his house,

so I still got the job.

Well, I guess I gotta get used
to this new school style of parenting.

You know, you were right, DJ.

I should have done the opposite
of everything that I did.

Yeah, but that's what makes you you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am perfect.

[DJ, Stephanie, Kimmy] Meh.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]