05x16 - The Nearlywed Game

[bunniefuu]

[theme song playing]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪

♪ The milkman, the paper boy
The evening TV ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Everywhere you look, everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a face, there's a face ♪

-♪ Somebody who needs you
-♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

[vocalizing]

Hey, did you get one of these invitations
saying meet in the kitchen?

Yeah. I wonder what it means.

I know.

Who sent it?

And how do they know we have a kitchen?

-Hey.
-Oh, sorry, Steph.

The kitchen is invite-only.

Yeah, I got one, too.

Oh, good. That means there will be booze.

Hear ye, hear ye!

We can hear ye.

You guys know how you're getting married?

It's literally all we've talked about
for the last six months.

Well,
we're gonna do a lot more of it today.

Because the four of us are here
to present to you

a very Fuller-Tanner-Gibbler
wedding shower extravaganza!

Tonight, you and your fiancés
will be competing on...

[all] The Nearlywed Game!

It's actually a spoof of something called
The Newlywed Game...

which I've also never heard of.

Yay! Steve and I played this game

with Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky
and Grandpa Danny about twen--

a couple of years ago.

Yeah, and if I remember correctly,
you guys got k*lled.

Yeah, well, we're not going to this time.

No offense, but neither of you know
each other better than Steve and I do now.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I threw it down.

Are you kidding me?
I know everything Jimmy thinks.

That's mostly because Jimmy thinks about
so very little.

I say that as his loving sister
who thinks about even less.

Speaking of less, let's talk prizes.

I want it. I gotta have it.

What is it?

The winner will get to pick the first song
you will all dance to at your wedding.

[Kimmy, DJ, Stephanie gasp]

"Everything I Do, I Do It For You."

"Purple Rain."

"Rump Shaker."

♪ 'Cause all I want to do is
Zoom-zoom-zoom ♪

♪ And a-poom-poom ♪

Well,
I'm glad you're all excited for tonight

because we're even
livestreaming the show.

Why would you do that?

We're under 30.

What's the point of doing anything
unless it's for public consumption?

Your generation is obsessed
with social media.

[gasps] I should tweet that.

#KidsTheseDays, #YOLO.

[vocalizing]

This is so exciting.
The last time we played this game, we lost

because we barely knew
anything about each other. But now,

it's almost unfair how much we know.

Should we call it off?

I said almost unfair.

Here, now try on your shirt.

A Team Steejay T-shirt?

Hon, you had these made
just for tonight's competition?

Well, it's not like I have
a duffel bag with them

in assorted colors, fonts, and sizes,

just waiting for a competition
to break out. That'd be crazy.

But if you do want another font,
color, or size, just let me know.

Fernando, ever since I was a little girl,
I dreamed of our third wedding.

[sighs]

A beautiful white gown, a handsome groom,
and me on the dance floor,

shaking my rump.

I, too, want your rump to be shaking.

But DJ and Steve will be tough to b*at.

I know.

But maybe today's our day.

We've already been married and divorced.

There are things you can only learn
about a person

through hundreds of hours of litigation.

And don't forget,

court-mandated therapy.

I love it when you talk arbitration.

This is it, Jimmy.

It's my chance
to finally b*at DJ at something.

Well, didn't you b*at her at the...
No, you lost that.

Well, what about...
No, you lost that one, too.

There was that one time that...

No, she totally creamed you at that one.

[chuckles]

Thanks for the pep talk,
Friday Night Lights.

You're welcome, Friday Night Lights.

Oh, I thought that was our new pet name,
like Schmoopy or Tom.

No, no, think about it, Jimmy.

This game was made for us.

Do you remember that game night
when we first met?

We had that
whole mind meld thing going on,

and we are gonna crush
DJ and Steve tonight.

Yeah, we are gonna have so much fun, Tom.

I didn't say anything about fun.

No, this is an all-out w*r.

Decades of sibling rivalry played out
against the backdrop of a phony game show.

-I didn't know this was that important.
-This is everything.

This doesn't seem like you.

Tonight, I am not me.

Me always loses.

Tonight, I am DJ,

hyper-competitive
bordering on psychopathic.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.

Whoa.

How can we afford all this?

When we talked about shower gifts
and I suggested an ice cream cake,

you guys said it was way too expensive.

Our corporate sponsors
are paying for it all.

Corporate sponsors?

We have to do a couple of ads.

I think it'll be weird interrupting
a TV show with commercials.

All right,
I'll be in front of the lattice.

Ramona is our announcer,

and Jackson,
you'll be running the cameras.

Cameras?

Just hold the iPad.

Okay.

Places, everybody!

All right, we're live in three, two...

[game show theme music playing]

Live from the Fuller house
in San Francisco, California,

the nearlywed capital of the world,

it's The Nearlywed Game.

[canned applause plays]

Here's the host of The Nearlywed Game,
Max Fuller.

Tonight, we will discover how well
these three couples know each other.

Let's meet them, shall we?

Couple number one are a pair
of medical lovebirds.

Let's welcome doggy doctor DJ Fuller
and foot physician Steve Hale.

[canned applause plays]

Go, Team Steejay!

-Whoo!
-Whoo!

Oh!

Oh, my lattice!

Where's my sofa?

Oh, it doesn't matter. It looks great.

Couple two hails from downstairs.

One is a rocker
and the other has rock-solid abs.

Welcome Stephanie Tanner
and Jimmy Gibbler.

[canned applause plays]

All right, remember, Jimmy, stay focused,
but have fun.

But crush their souls.
But in a fun way.

Right.

-Focus, Jimmy, crush, fun. Got it.
-Yeah.

On to couple three.

He was a world-famous race car driver

and she's the world's most prominent
next-door neighbor.

Please welcome

Fernando Hernandez-Guerrero-
Fernandez-Guerrero and Kimmy Gibbler.

[canned applause plays]

I was born for a live studio audience.

All right, gentlemen, please step out
of the room and into our soundproof booth.

Where's that?

Just stand by the washer
and hit light spin.

I want to press the button.

Me, me, me!

Ladies, I will ask you
a series of questions.

You will write down your answer,
and we'll see if you match.

Question number one:

Who was your first celebrity crush?

Joey McIntyre.

Joey McIntyre.

Joey McIntyre.

Way to be original, sister wives.

Contestant number one, who was
your fiancée's first celebrity crush?

Joey McIntyre.

Joey McIntyre!

You are so good, honey.

Contestant number two, Jimmy Gibbler.

Uh, Charles in Charge.

Charles in Charge isn't even a person.

Uh...

Growing Pains, toast, the St. Louis Arch.

We can only accept
one terrible answer per person.

Contestant number three, Fernando.

Her first celebrity crush:

Fernando.

Who is this Joey McIntyre?
I will k*ll him!

Quickly moving on to the next question.

Fiancé number one, when was the moment
that you realized you were in love?

When we were nervously doing homework.

Nervous homework!

You go, Steve Hale. My man knows stuff.

Fiancé number two,
moment you found love.

[stammers]

Fiancé number two, we're waiting.

Uh...

Anxiety!

Jimmy says anxiety. Stephanie, you said...

When you brought me the box of kittens.

Oh.

Right, I was so close.

Not even a little bit.

Oh, uh, right. Uh, form of a question.

What is a box of kittens?

Thank you, Alex,
I'll take Potent Potables for 400, please.

Moving on.

Fiancé number three?

Joey McIntyre,

if you're watching, I will not rest
until you pay for your insolence!

Kimmy, is the moment that you fell in love
with Fernando

the time he threatened Joey McIntyre?

No.

Happy hour at Applebee's.

Who is this Applebee?

I will k*ll him, too!

[Max] Um...

While Fernando threatens a chain
of mid-sized family restaurants,

let's have a word from our sponsors.

[game show theme music playing]

"Say, friend, where can I find a partition
that has the privacy of a wall,

but has more pizzazz than a fence?"

"Funny you would ask, friend.

I know just the place.

Get yourself down to Lattice World
for all your lattice needs."

Not to be confused with Lattice Emporium
or Lettuce World.

[all three] ♪ You'll love that Lattice… ♪

♪ World ♪

[Jimmy hyperventilating]

Ooh, Steph, I'm so sorry.

I hate letting you down.

You're just overthinking your answers.

I've never been accused of overthinking
anything in my entire life.

-Okay. You need to calm down, all right?
-Okay.

Just, here, hold my hand.

Just take some breaths, all right?
Count with me.

[both] Five, four, three, two...

You relaxed?

Are you gonna say one?
I need you to say one.

What happened to one?

Okay, okay.

Just... One. There, better?

-Yeah. Thanks, Steph.
-Okay, yeah. Good.

-[Jimmy exhales]
-Glad you're better.

Sorry I've been so intense. It's just...

it's really hard living in the shadow of
someone who's so good at everything.

But I'll stop stressing you out.

Okay? Mmm.

Now, remember, just say the first thing
that pops into your head.

Grass.

Yeah,
I meant when Max asks you a question.

[laughs] Oh-ho-ho.

You're so good at this.

[both chuckle]

The kids really came up with a great gift,
huh, honey?

I don't know, Deej.
Maybe we're going a little overboard.

Nobody seems to be enjoying this
as much as us.

It's called winning, honey.

It's why nobody likes Tom Brady
or Meryl Streep.

Wait, everybody...

I mean nobody does.

Look at them over there. So smug.

So confident.
Acting like they're the perfect couple.

I wish that was us.

We're never gonna win this.

It occurs to me...

we don't need to have the correct answer.
We just need to have the same answer.

Why don't we give ourselves a leg up
and start each answer with the letter D?

Isn't that cheating?

That's not cheating.

That's like when I used to slash the tires
of my opponents before each race.

It would be nice to win.

I'm tired of coming in third.

DJ's always first,

Stephanie's the dark horse,

and I'm the friendly billy goat
clapping on the sidelines.

Kimberlina, you are no William goat.

You are a shining star so bright
that people think you are an airplane.

Let's go out there and destroy.

-Demolish.
-Dehydrate.

What will that do?

I don't know but it starts with a D.

[vocalizing]

Steven, a word.

Sure, what's up?

What's up is I no longer want Kimberlina
to feel like William goat.

She deserves to be treated
like an airplane.

Well, great. Good talk.

I need you to t*nk the competition.

What?

Give Kimberlina a chance.

I can't do that.
You know how much DJ loves to win

and how much I hate to be around her
when she loses.

I mean, in theory.
I've never actually seen it.

Exactly.

You and DJ won the last competition.
You will win the next competition.

Tonight must belong to my Kimberlina,
and only you can make that happen.

Please, I am begging you.

You're really being sincere?

I never bring out the puppy dog face
unless I'm dead serious

or I'm begging for a pork chop.

All right, we're back in five seconds.
Places, people.

In five, four, three, two...

What happened to the one? Where's the one?
Say one!

Okay, one.

Thank you.

[game show theme music playing]

Welcome back to The Nearlywed Game,
where the soon-to-be wed go head-to-head.

I just made that up.

Just stick to the script.

"Lattice World. It's not a fence.
It's like a fence."

[Max] And the ladies are back.

Ramona, tell us how our contestants
are doing.

DJ and Steve are crushing it.

Uncle Jimmy is incoherent.

And my parents are dead last.

Way to represent, Gibblers.

Okay, ladies. The men have been asked
three questions.

Question number one
goes to Jimmy and Stephanie.

What is the first movie
you two saw together?

I went with the first thing
that popped into my head.

Pitch Perfect 2?

Yes!

I love it when you don't think.

Kimmy and Fernando, what's
the first movie you two saw together?

D-D-D...

Driving Miss Daisy.

D'Back to the Future!

How is that a "D" word?

You try spelling "D'Back" without a D.

Uh, Mom and Steve. First movie?

Easy. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop? What?

Oh, first movie? I'm so sorry.

I thought they said worst movie.

Honey.

Question two.

Stephanie, what celebrity couple
do you and Jimmy most resemble?

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani.

The country guy and the girl
with the blonde hair and the red lipstick.

Judges, will we accept that?

[barks]

-That's a yes.
-[Jimmy] Yes!

Or he needs to go for a walk.

Kimmy, what celebrity couple
do you and Fernando most resemble?

Desi and Lucy.

David Beckham and Dosh Spice.

Mom and Steve. Celebrity couple?

Kate Middleton and Prince William,

because we're regal yet accessible.

[sighs]

Peanut butter and jelly?

That's not even a couple.
That's... sandwich fixings.

Well, sure, but they do go great together,
just like us.

[scoffs]

What's going on with you?

Why do you two keep looking at each other?

I've never seen you look
at Fernando, ever.

[Max] Question three.

Kimmy, what's something
Fernando finds annoying about you?

Well, based on how everything else
has gone,

da way she chews.

Double jointed knees.

[Kimmy gasps]

Okay. Mom, something
Steve finds annoying about you?

Ooh!

I'm hyper-competitive,
and I always want to win.

Too many alarm clocks?

I don't have any alarm clocks.
I wake up with the sun.

You're so beautiful.

Are you trying to lose this on purp--

[gasps]

You are trying to lose this on purpose!

Stephanie, what's something
Jimmy finds annoying about you?

My snore is too adorable.

What, a blank card?
We can't win with a blank card.

You told me to go with
the first thing that popped into my head,

and I couldn't think of anything
annoying about you.

Jimmy, what are you talking about?

There's plenty of annoying things
about me.

I-- I leave my dishes in the sink,

I squeeze the toothpaste tube
from the middle,

I say I recycle but I don't.
I'm a monster, just pick one.

Uh...

what is grass?

You are impossible.

You're a tanker.

You're a terrible cheater.

Apparently that's the end of round two.

Who's winning?

I'm pretty sure we're all losing.

You know who's not losing?

Anyone who eats a number 16
with extra pepperoncini

from Uncle Monty's Sandwich Emporium.

[all] ♪ You'll love it at Uncle… ♪

♪ ...Monty's Sandwich Emporium
Of Alameda ♪

I did not mean to upset Kimberlina.

I was just only trying to help her win.

I was trying to help you help her win.

Man, Stephanie is so mad at me right now

and I still can't think of anything
annoying about her.

So how are we gonna fix this?

I don't know.
I just wish we could go d'back in time.

Can you believe that overgrown man-child
thinks I'm perfect?

How dare he?

-Well, it was kind of sweet.
-Nah--

Gibbler, not now. I'm on my high horse.

Well, at least Jimmy isn't trying
to sabotage you.

Steve knew every one of those answers.
I'm so flippin' mad.

[Stephanie, Kimmy gasp]

I know, that's right. I dropped an F-b*mb.

We all should have just married
Joey McIntyre.

The four of us would have been
so happy together.

I think we had the right stuff.

This game was a colossal mistake.

This game is a massive hit.

It's got drama, it's got turns,
it's got twists.

This is better than
the Bachelor in Paradise.

Max, this was very thoughtful of you guys,
but I'm going to bed...

where I would set my alarm clock
if I had one.

You guys have to come back.

I don't have the emotional maturity
to deal with three grown men crying.

They say they want to make it up to you.

Maybe great, maybe a disaster.

Either way, it's good TV.

Let's go, people.

I'm doing The Price is Right
at a house party in Berkeley in an hour.

[game show jingle plays]

And we're back for the largely improvised
round three.

Okay, we're here.
Where are the knuckleheads?

We've quarantined the knuckleheads,
mostly for their own safety.

For the final bonus round, this is
a men's only question that they made up.

We asked the three men you were engaged to
when the night began...

what's something goofy about the ladies
the men find adorable?

First up, Fernando.

Hola, Tannerinos.

Sweet cheese.

Sweet cheese, indeed.

Kimberlina, you have your own unique style
that no one else can pull off.

That's one of the things that makes you
a shining star,

like Cher, Madonna, Lady Gaga, and...

Joey McIntyre?

Please, Kimberlina, I'm trying so hard.

Carry on.

[whispers] I love you.

And I'm so sorry that I went overboard.

You don't need to win a competition.

You already won my heart.

Oh, I can't stay mad at you.

Especially when you look like me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a piece of bacon
in a very unfortunate place.

Okay, Steve, your turn to grovel.

Tough act to follow.

DJ...

you're the most pathological,
super-competitive, type-A person

I've ever met.

Not a great start, Hale.

The reason why I'm saying that is that
there is nobody

who lives life to the fullest

or cares more about
everyone and everything as much as you.

Everybody in this house is so lucky
to have you in our lives.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

You're apologizing with a banner?

Two banners?

I love you.

We're clearly made for each other.

Yep, we are.

But if you ever try to t*nk again,

there's not a banner big enough
to save you.

And our final Nearlywed

doesn't want to tell us something goofy
about Stephanie that he finds adorable.

He wants to show us.

["Love Shack" playing]

No.

My-- My "Love Shack" dance
from the telethon?

He's not.

He is!

♪ Love shack ♪

♪ Love Shack, baby ♪

♪ I'm headin' down the Atlanta highway ♪

♪ Lookin' for the love getaway ♪

♪ Headed for the love getaway ♪

♪ I got me a car
It's as big as a whale ♪

♪ And we're headin' on down
To the Love Shack ♪

♪ Getaway ♪

♪ I got me a Chrysler
It seats about 20 ♪

♪ So hurry up and bring
Your jukebox money ♪

♪ The love shack is a little old place ♪

Oh, no.

♪ Where we can get together ♪

Oh, no. I am not doing the dance,
but keep working it for Mama.

♪ Love Shack, baby, Love Shack ♪

Well, I guess I know what song
we're dancing to at the wedding.

I could shake my rump to this.

"Love Shack" it is.

Oh! Best wedding shower ever.

Thanks, kids.

♪ When everybody's movin' around... ♪

And that's our show.
Thanks for watching The Nearlywed Game.

Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.
[clicks teeth]

♪ Love Shack is a little old place ♪

♪ Where we can get together ♪

♪ Love Shack, baby ♪

[theme music playing]
♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]