01x04 - Slater's w*r

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Ah, this is Rush Week.

It's a week that freshmen get
rushed by fraternities and sororities.

- Hi, there.
- Hi!

And since I don't have the
legs to get into a sorority,

I am doing the next best thing.

I'm going to hold out for the
coolest frat on campus --

Sigma Alpha.

- Hey, Zack!
- Huh?

- Say hi to Rick Larson.
- Hey, Rick.

Rick is from Sigma Alpha.

Rick!
Hey hey, come on in!

Well, you're already in.

Well, sit down. You're
already sitting down.

Hey! Want some Pringles?
Every one is perfect!

Hey, uh, Zack?
Zack, relax.

He's here to see me.

- You?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, the brothers and I wanted
to extend a personal invitation

to Slater to our open
house tomorrow night.

(SMUGLY) Personal invitation.

Not too many people
get those, huh?

Well, we like to think we
attract the best on campus.

Right.

Best brains, best families,
best athletes.

Ah, well, you know, Rick, I'm
sort of a jock, myself.

Really?
What sport?

What sport?

Uh, hockey!

Yes, yes, I'm going out
for the hockey team.

So am I. I'll see you at
tryouts this afternoon.

Yeah, I didn't get to play
last year -- concussion.

Got my head slammed
into the boards.

It was great.

Great, great. No, nothing
like a good head injury.

Uh-huh.

So Slater, we'll see you at the
open house tomorrow night?

- All right.
- Ah, Rick, Rick?

Uh, open -- is that to everyone?

Oh, sure, you can
come too, Jack.

Did you hear that?

That sounded like a personal
invitation to me.

Yeah!

It sounds like they really
want you, Jack.

♪ I'm standing
at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the
edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen
such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at
the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future
looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge
of tomorrow today ♪

Hey, Slater, that's great.

You know, Sigma Alpha is
my fraternity, too.

Yeah?

As a matter of fact, I'm
kind of a legend there.

Oh, because you played football?

No.

Because I'm the guy that pulled
off the famous bell tower prank.

Oh, really?
What was that?

You mean you never heard of it?

Unh-uh.

One night I climbed
the bell tower

and I took the clapper
out of the bell.

So when the bell was supposed
to chime, there was nothing!

No sound!

Nothing!

Like right now.

Are you sure you
never heard of it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The famous clapper caper.

- Really funny.
- Yeah.

Come on, Slater.
He's putting you on.

That's the most boring prank
I've ever heard of.

You're pulling our legs,
right, Mike?

No, but when I do, you'll
be six inches taller.

Oh.

Hey! So, how'd the
hockey tryouts go?

Well, I swallowed a puck and
the Zamboni ran over me.

Does that answer your question?

Hmm, I bet Rick was
really impressed.

Mmm, I don't think so.

He was the one
driving the Zamboni.

Ah, nothing to worry about.

- I have another plan.
- Hey, you know, Mike?

Mike here was just telling me
he is a Sigma Alpha man.

Really?
Well, of course he would be.

I mean, he's an all-star
jock, handsome.

Is that your other plan, Zack?

Kissing up?

Think it'll work?

I like it.

Tell you what, I'll put in a good word
for you with my fraternity brothers.

- Well thanks, Mike!
- Got it.

Yeah, thanks, Mike!

You know, Screech,

a lot of guys want to get
into Sigma Alpha House,

but not everybody can.

You might want to find a house
that--that suits you.

Like for instance, the
House of Pancakes.

Guys!

Great news!

I was just invited to the
Beta Delta party!

Hey, that's the sorority
you wanted to get in!

- It is!
- Congratulations!

Aw, thanks, Leslie!

Have you been rushed yet?

Well, my mother was in Kappa
Theta, so I'm a legacy there.

Which means they have to take
me whether they want to or not.

Aw!

I'd die to be a Kappa Theta.

Hey, you know that the Beta Deltas
and the Kappa Thetas are rival sororities?

- Ooh, really?
- Yeah!

It goes back 80 years when the
Betas kidnapped the Thetas'

homecoming queen,
Eleanor Roosevelt.

Oh, come on!
Give me a break!

And they have been
fighting ever since.

No, and just last week,

the Thetas put super glue
on the Betas' toilet seats.

That was them?

I was visiting that day.

And I didn't think that
it was funny!

Ow!
Oh, come on!

It was just a joke.

I mean, let's not let getting into
different sororities affect our friendship.

Oh, OK.

OK.

Oh, and just a bit
of friendly advice,

I really wouldn't wear
that outfit to my open house.

Oh, well if I was
going to Theta House,

then I would dress
like Margaret Thatcher.

Well excuse me for not
looking like the B-52s!

You just keep your hands
off my toilet seat.

Oh.

You know, I was thinking,
Slater.

You gotta put in a good
word for me with Rick

and the other
fraternity guys.

Well, I don't know
what to tell them.

Well, you just tell them
that I'm loyal, honest,

and that I'm Cindy Crawford's
new co-host on "House of Style."

Hey, Slater.

Hey, what's up, Rick?

Oh, um, I think Zack here
should be in the frat.

OK.

If he's a friend of yours,
he's got a good sh*t.

Oh, great!

Hey guys, check these out!

- No!
- No, no, no, Screech!

- Now is not a good time.
- No.

Any time's a good
time for balloon animals.

Besides, I figure the
next time we have a party,

- they could come in handy.
- No.

Screech, get those
things out of here.

What's the matter, Slater?
You don't like Mr. Giraffey Waffy?

I can make a rhinoceros
or hippo or a--

(ANGRILY) No!

You k*lled him!

Who is that guy?

That guy?
Oh, just a guy in our dorm.

- Yeah, he lives down the hall.
- Uh-huh.

Way down the hall.

Someone, anyone, yell
out a farm animal!

Some other time.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
Slater, it's just a fraternity party.

Me?

Hey, you don't want to be seen
with Screech, either!

I'm not the one who
tried to sign him up

for the Semester at Sea program!

No, no, you're the one
who wanted to exchange him

for that student from Pakistan!

That's right, if she loses her
mustache, she's a babe!

I can't believe this!

What is so great about being
in a fraternity?

It's just a bunch of guys
sitting around watching

"Beavis and Butthead"
and burping.

- And?
- And?

And, is it worth turning
your back on Screech?

I thought he was your friend.

Well, yeah, I mean, he is.

I like Screech.

Yeah, I like him, too.

Well, then again, I
like the Three Stooges,

but I wouldn't want to go to
a fraternity party with them.

Well, maybe Larry.

Yeah, maybe Larry.

(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Oh, a wise guy.

Listen, Screech has been making
a fool out of me since kindergarten.

Because of him, I didn't get
in the cool nap group.

You know, that's true.
You have known him longer.

Technically, that makes
him more your friend.

What?

So you should be the one to
tell him he's not coming with us!

No, no, no, he's just
as much your friend.

No, no, no, he's
really more your friend.

- No, no.
- You said le-- [whistle]

The way you guys are talking, it
seems like he's more my friend.

Well, great.
Then you tell him!

Yeah!

Ugh.

- Man.
- Yeah.

You're going to be the one.

I'm not going to tell him.
You tell him!

Hey Dad, isn't it great?

I'm going to be in a fraternity!

No, not a geek frat, it's
a really cool one.

Yeah, Zack and Slater are
going to be my brothers.

This is the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me!

Hey, Screech.

Oh, hi guys.

Uh, about this fraternity
party tonight--

- Yeah.
- Oh, you guys want to go together?

I can ride one of you
on my handlebars.

No!

You see, a lot of this
fraternity stuff is all about

appearances.

Sounds pretty superficial.

That's right, that's right.

And who better to help you
be superficial than us?

- Well, thanks guys.
- No problem, Screech.

Screech, say let's
start with that.

- Hmm.
- Let's use his real name.

Uh,

uh--

Samuel!
My name is Samuel!

Right!
Samuel!

Doesn't quite cut it.

Sam.
Sammy.

How about Brad?

Who's Brad?

You are, at least for
the next couple days.

- Brad?
- Uh-huh.

Brad?

- I kind of like that.
- Well, good!

All right, now let's talk
about Brad's hobbies.

Now, he's definitely
into sports.

Right!
And vintage cars --

Mustangs, Corvettes.

A real party animal.

- A babe hound.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, and don't forget his collection
of "Baywatch" action figures!

OK, we'll work on hobbies later.

Yeah.

- Let's show him how Brad walks.
- Right, right.

Hey, can he have a gimpy leg,

like maybe from a motorcycle
accident like, maybe.

- No! No, no, no.
- No.

Screech, just walk over
here normal, OK?

- Oh.
- Oh, my, oh.

No, look, Screech.

This is the way Brad
walks into a room.

Check this out.

See?
Huh?

Wow, Brad's really cool.

That's right. OK,
Screech-- Brad--

Brad, let's see you try it.

Go for it.

OK. We'll just have
to work on that, too.

- Uh-huh.
- Are you keeping a list?

Maybe we need some
outside advice, huh?

Yeah.

Um, excuse me, ladies?

Could you come in here
a minute, please?

What's up?

Oh, we're just giving Screech here
a few pointers for the open house.

What do you think
he should wear?

I think we should
go with earth tones,

something subdued
and understated.

No, no no, no, no.

He needs bold color, something
that'll draw attention to his--

earth tones are good.

What are you guys doing?

They're turning me into a
really cool frat guy named Brad!

A makeover?
I love makeovers!

Whoa, whoa, Leslie.
That's my favorite jacket.

Oh, it's a great color on Brad.

Hey, hey, hey!
How about this?

Yeah!

Oh yeah, this will make
a really cool headband.

I was thinking around the neck.

Why?
It's a party, not a funeral.

Well I think it's classy.

I know my future Theta sisters
would think so.

Well, my future Beta sisters
wouldn't be caught dead at a party

with a guy who looks
like Richard Nixon!

- It's a headband!
- Necktie!

- Headband!
- Necktie!

Ladies, ladies, please!

And the next morning, when the
bell was supposed to ring,

there was nothing.

Nothing.

So when was this?

1978.

Wow, that's incredible.

Hey, Tom, wait 'til
you hear this!

This guy's been here
since the '70s!

OK, now remember--

remember, your name is Brad.

You have always been Brad,

everything about you says Brad.

Then why does my
underwear say, Screech?

Just don't show them your
underwear, all right?

Got it!

Hey, hey.

Hi guys, I'm Brad, but you
can't see my underwear.

Oh my--

- Hey, guys! Zack Morris.
- How you doing?

- Hey, Rick. How you doing?
- Zack.

Want you to meet a
friend of mine. This is Brad.

- Brad.
- Hey, hey.

We were just talking about putting
in a couple of tennis courts out back.

Oh, that sounds
great, 'cause, you know,

the courts on the
campus are always tied up.

- Do you play tennis, Brad?
- Uh, do I play tennis?

- Yes, you play tennis.
- Yes, I play tennis.

You use a two-handed backhand?

Well that's a pretty
personal question!

Hoo!

Ah, Brad, let's get
something to drink.

- But I'm not thirsty.
- Drink or die.

Hey, Slater! Glad
you could come!

Rick!

I see just you just met Brad.

Let me warn you,
look out for him.

The guy is chick Velcro.

You're kidding.

Who is the new guy?

He's hot.

Why, that's Brad.

Oh?
Can you introduce me?

See what I mean?

OK, Leslie, if you don't mind
being just another number

in his little black book.

Do you think I could
make the book?

Get away! I saw him first!

Get real! He smiled at me!

In your dreams, bimbo!

- Tramp!
- Theta!

- Beta!
- Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Yeah?

Ladies, ladies!
Please!

Let's settle this in
a civilized way.

Mud wrestle for me!

Say Brad, have you met
all the brothers?

Oh, not yet.

Hey Zack, it's great, it's
working, they really like me!

Yeah, that's why we should
leave right now.

- Yeah.
- What, are you crazy?

I'm on a roll!

- Watch this!
- Oh, whoa--

I don't think we should
push our luck.

Hey, everybody, can I
have your attention?

This has been a really great
party, but I always say,

what's a party without
balloon animals?

Hey, was this a great
night, or what?

Yeah.

I didn't know I could
have a stroke at 19.

You know, I think they were really
impressed when I made the kangaroo.

Boing cha-boing, cha-boing.

Go to bed, Screech.

OK, but I'm too excited
to sleep.

[deflating balloon]

Sorry, my kangaroo
got away from me.

So hey guys, when do we find
out if we made it in?

I don't know.

When they decide, they'll form a
committee and come and get us.

Then we'll be initiated.

What'll they do?

Might shave our heads.

Roger says they used
to smother guys in honey

and then let ants
crawl all over them.

Ooh!
I can't wait!

- All right! We made it!
- Yeah!

- All right!
- Woo-hoo!

Not until we officially slime
you. Slime buckets ready?

Slime buckets ready.

Hey! Guys! Did you hear that?

We're going to be slimed!
Isn't this great?

[sloshing]

Sorry about that, man.

Guess we got caught up
in the excitement.

It was just supposed to
be the other two guys.

You gentlemen have been
chosen for induction to Sigma Alpha.

Ah, Rick, excuse me,
ah, this is great.

I'm really honored and all, but,
uh, what about Screech?

- Who?
- Brad!

Sometimes we call him Screech.

'Cause--

'cause of the way he peels
out in his 'vette.

Right.

Yeah, Screech is a
great guy, too, but listen,

if you take Screech, it'll
raise the GPA of the entire frat.

- I'm telling you, the guy is a genius.
- Uh-huh.

Guy makes great balloon
animals, too.

But a lot of other things
have to be considered.

Like what?

Like loyalty to your friends, seeing
the best in everyone, a big heart?

I'm telling you, Screech
has all that and more.

Tell him, Slater.

Yeah.

And he flosses after every meal.

As important as
dental hygiene is,

we only have certain
number of openings.

The two of you were
lucky to get in.

Oh, Rick, come on.

I mean, can't you make
room for one more?

- Come on.
- I'm sorry, guys.

There's nothing we can do.

Ooh!
Ooh!

What is this slimy stuff?

Well, I'd say your dorm buddies
are now members of Sigma Alpha.

Either that, or somebody's
been playing frog hockey.

Well, I guess they're going to be
your fraternity brothers now, huh?

Well, I suppose so,

but I don't think I'm going to be hanging
around the frat house much anymore.

But I thought you were
a real fraternity man.

Eh, I was.

Bit I think I've outgrown it.

You know, fraternities
are for younger guys,

and I've moved on to
a new place of my life.

Hmm.

Plus, those little punks
changed the locks on me.

Sss.

Well, it's just as well.

I mean, this whole fraternity,
sorority thing is kind of juvenile.

Ugh.

(EXCITEDLY) It's the Kappa
Betas, they're coming for us!

Eeeee!

Leslie!
Guess what?

They're coming for us!

- Well, who's coming?
- The Thetas!

Leslie Burke, we're here to
induct you into the Kappa Thetas.

Leslie!
This is great!

We're going to be sorority
sisters!

You know, Kelly, I've
been thinking.

For the past couple of days,

I've seen what Rush Week can
do to friends

and how much
people can be hurt by it.

It--it's a real honor, but I've
decided not to join a sorority.

- What?
- What?

Thanks anyway.

I hope you know
what you're doing.

Oh! Oh, wa--wa--wait!

What about me?

What about you?

Well, I'm not going
to turn it down.

Sorry, you weren't chosen.

Oh, please!

Bu--bu--

Did I just do that?

'Fraid so.

Listen, before I turn around,

promise never to
mention this again?

Oh, that's OK, Kelly.

That's easy for you to say!

I mean, you got into the
sorority you wanted.

Actually, I just found out tonight
that I didn't get into the Beta Deltas.

Oh, I'm really sorry, Alex.

Oh, well, who needs
sororities, anyway?

That's right!
[knocking]

If it's that bunch
of snobs again,

you just tell them I
changed my mind, too.

Yeah, we hate their
snobby butts!

I'm Karen Jessel from Pi Psi.

We are here to rush Alex Tabor
and Kelly Kapowski.

[screaming]

(SINGING) ♪ We made it! We're in ♪

- ♪ We made it ♪
- Wait!

What's that sorority again?

Pi Psi.

(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
We made Pi Psi!

Hi, Screech.

What are you doing?

Oh, hi Leslie.

I'm just watching the TV.

But the set isn't even on.

Oh, I know.
I'm just watching the TV.

Hey, what are you two
doing back so early?

Eh, it seems that Sigma
Alpha's made a mistake.

They didn't want us, either.

Really?
That's great!

Oh, I mean, you
two must feel terrible.

Are you kidding?
This just means we're indies.

Right!
We're indies!

I've always wanted
to be an indie.

What's an indie?

Indies.
Independent.

We stand on our own, we don't
need the fraternity thing.

Yeah.

Right, we'll start
our own fraternity.

You'll rush him, he'll
rush you, and I'll--

oh wait, I'm left out again!

Come on, buddy.

Show me how you got this
stuff out of your hair.

Ugh.

- Zack?
- Huh?

That was really nice
of you guys.

What?

Well, come on, they
didn't want Screech,

so you guys gave
it up, right?

Well, this fraternity and sorority
thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

That's what I thought, too.

Wait a minute, you're not
joining a sorority?

I guess I'm an indie, too.

Huh, well, well, well.

We discover we have
something else in common.

What do you say we get
something to eat?

Well, Zack, I've gone
out with slime before,

but this is where
I draw the line.

- Ugh!
- Sorry!

Hit the showers, Indie!

Hey, I'm really sorry you
guys didn't get into the fraternity.

Eh, don't worry
about it, Screech.

Brad--

Samuel Screech Powers,
whatever your name is,

the brothers of Sigma Alpha
have decided to induct you.

Whoa-ho-ho.

Did you guys hear that?
That's great!

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

What should I do, though?

I can't join a fraternity
without my friends

and we're supposed
to be indies together.

No, Screech.
Just go for it!

But what about you guys?

Just do it, Screech.

All right, then I accept.

Whoa!

[sloshing]

Hey! I just cleaned
up this hallway!

You two!
Grab some mops.

Hey, Mike!

We're going to be
fraternity brothers!

Isn't it great?

I can make an elephant
or a rhinoceros.

- No!
- Ah!

- You k*lled him!
- Come on.

Hey, Mike!

We're going to be fraternity
brothers! Isn't it great?