01x08 - Screech Love

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

So from what we've learned,

prehistoric women spend an average
of 20 hours a week on housework.

Really?

My mom spends twice that time
cleaning our house.

Conclusions?

Either my mom's neurotic,

or my dad's a bigger
slob than Fred Flintstone.

Quite possibly.

But it also tells us that
modern conveniences

don't always make
our lives easier.

For instance, it's
two million years ago,

and
you're a cave wife.

You only have one
major appliance.

And what do you think
that would be?

Mr. Morris?

Here.

That's debatable.

Mr. Powers, what would that
prehistoric appliance be?

A rock.

Ahh, he's right.

It slices, it dices,
it Juliennes fries.

A state of the art
meat tenderizer,

home security system,
and the original Thigh Master.

Hey, you better start paying
attention, Zack.

I am. I've just got an
English test next period.

I'm listening to "w*r and
Peace" as read by Joey Lawrence.

Now, by the end
of the Bronze Age,

humans had all
kinds of appliances.

Who can name some?

Mr. Morris?

Here.

Zack, I get the feeling you're
not paying attention.

What?

(ANGRILY) I said you're
not paying attention!

Oh sure I am.

I'm even taking notes.

Oh, really.

Please, read them back to me.

Hey!

I think Professor Lasky has
the cutest little nose.

Why, thank you.
My mother seems to think so.

See me in my office
this afternoon.

Should have never told
him I was here.

♪ I'm standing
at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the
edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen
such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at
the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future
looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge
of tomorrow today ♪

Zack, this is college,
not high school.

Nobody's going to
make you learn.

I know.
And you're right.

It's just that, as one
friend to another--

Friend?
Excuse me, Zack.

I like you.

But you have to remember
that you are my student,

and I'm your professor.
[phone ringing]

I'm a doctor of anthropology,

and you have to respect the
dignity of that position.

Yes?

Security's about to tow away
my brand new scooter.

I'll be right back.

Remember, I'm the professor.

You're the student.

I'm the professor.
You're the student.

[knocking on door]

Excuse me.

This is Professor Lasky's
office, isn't it?

Yes.

Can I help you with anything,
anything at all?

You?
I don't think so.

I was hoping Professor Lasky
would autograph his book.

Oh, oh, you must really like it.

Like it?

This is the most brilliant work
on Aborigines ever written.

I would give anything
just to meet him,

to listen to him, to touch him.

You're looking at him.

You mean, you're?

Yes.
Yes, I am.

Oh!

Professor Lasky!

I am so sorry.

I'm Jennifer Williams.

Hi.

I had no idea.

I mean, I heard that
you were youthful,

but you look as
though you're barely--

19?
Oh, oh, oh, no!

Those were the days.

I wish I could have enrolled
in one of your classes,

but they were all full.

Well, if you're that
interested in anthropology,

we could discuss it over dinner.

Really?

Oh, that would be incredible,
Professor Lasky.

Great. Well, how about
8 o'clock at Mario's?

I'll be there.

Don't you see, girls, if we buy a
big screen TV for the rec room,

it'll benefit us all.

Alex, you could watch your
favorite movies on it.

That's true.

The other day I was watching
"Big" on my little TV.

And when Tom Hanks got big,
he was still little.

Whatever.

And of course, you'd get to
watch all your football games.

Well, only on Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday, and Monday,

but you guys could watch
whatever you wanted to in July.

We won't be watching anything
unless we come up with $2,000.

I've already thought of that.

The Sweetco candy company says
they'll give us $0.10 for

every bar of Choco Chews
candy we sell.

We tried selling
candy in high school

to raise money for
cheerleading equipment.

We wound up with one pom pom
and 10 fat cheerleaders.

You guys got a better idea?

Yeah. What if we
sold a pinup calendar?

That is so sexist!

Yeah, girls posing in bikinis
like pieces of meat?

I meant a male pinup calendar.

Oh, that is a good idea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

no real man is going to
pose in some skimpy outfit

so a bunch of women
can stare at him.

I'll do it.

Fine.

You guys do your beefcake
calendar, and I'll sell candy.

And we'll see what college
girls want most --

scantily clad men

or delicious chocolate treats
with a nutty zesty crunch?

Well, I don't want
any part of this.

It's just like "Playboy."

You're promoting a
superficial image of beauty,

and anybody that doesn't
live up to it is left out.

Well, that's not true!

I mean, the men
of Cal U calendar

will be open to all
guys on campus.

Hello, girls.

Well, why don't you ask Screech?

He's a man of Cal U.

Ask me what?

The girls are doing
a pin up calendar,

and they want you to
pose for it.

Right, girls?

Well--

Wow, that's so cute.

You guys were too
embarrassed to ask me.

Something like that.

Don't worry, because I've
been pumping up my pecs,

and my mom just sent
me a new pair of Speedos.

You got to tell her
you're not Lasky.

But she's crazy about me.

You're the one who's crazy.

You're going to get expelled.

Come on, Slater.
The girl is gorgeous.

Zack, no girl is worth getting
kicked out of college.

Hi, Jeremiah.

Don't forget to write.

I loved that
documentary last night.

I never realized how fascinating
fossilized cow dung could be.

Yes, yes.
I had a lot of laughs, too.

I usually don't date
girls your age.

They're so immature.

It's that whole MTV
generation thing.

Oh, I know, which is
exactly what I prefer going out

with a sophisticated older man.

Hey, hey that fake vomit you
put in Roger's room really worked.

One of my students, he spent
a year among the Zulus.

We're not sure what
they did to him.

Professor Lasky, is there
anything I get you?

Coffee?
Tea?

Truth serum?

Jennifer, I feel
really close to you,

and I feel that I can
tell you anything.

Good, because I haven't been
entirely honest with you.

- You haven't?
- No.

I try to keep it quiet,

because people tend
to treat me differently

when they find out that I'm
the chancellor's daughter.

You mean your father is the
head of this whole university?

But I hope this won't affect
our relationship.

No.

No. You're still
you, and I'm still--

the Nutty Professor.

So I'm telling you, Slater,
all I gotta do is avoid her,

and I'm sure Jennifer is
going to get the idea.

And she's going to
forget about me.

I don't think that's going
to work, Professor Lasky.

Eat this.

Oh, a jelly doughnut,
my favorite.

How dare you eat a doughnut
in my classroom, young man!

Boy, you talk about mood swings.

How many of these things
did you eat?

That's the girl who
thinks I'm Lasky.

Just play along.

Jennifer, hi, I didn't
even see you.

Listen, I'm just about to
start my classes, so--

I'm just dying to see
you in action.

Oh, well, I'm afraid no one is
allowed to audit my classes.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll go then.

OK, and I'll show
you the way out.

Good morning, Professor Lasky.

Yes, yes, good morning,
doughnut boy.

Could you help me with an
anthropology problem,

Professor Lasky?

In a minute.

Did I mention that Professor
Lasky here is so patient

and kind and sweet and generous?

Stick a sock in it, Screech.

Professor Lasky, you're a
mean and bitter old man.

- Good morning.
- Morning, Professor Lasky.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Good morning to you, too.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Listen, Jennifer, I'll
give you a call later.

Make it quick.
I want to start class.

My older students --
so eager to learn.

Hello, sir.

I'm selling Choco
Chews Candy Bar,

the delicious chocolate treat
with a nutty, zesty crunch.

No, thanks.
I'm allergic to chocolate.

So get a sh*t.

I'll take six--

teen.

We appreciate your business.

Now, please enjoy this fine
snack food product from Sweetco.

That's good.
Thanks.

Hey you, come here.

I can't believe you guys are
actually going through with this

disgraceful
exercise in bad taste.

Hey, girls.

He's going to take off
that jacket, right?

Leslie, why is it you always show
up to tell us how disgraceful we are

just when we're about to
sh**t a hunk in a t*nk top?

Hey, I had no idea you were going
to be in the top of the bell tower.

I just happened to be there
because I like to--

spit.

OK, I'm ready, guys.

Where do you want me to stand?

Well, we thought we'd get a
few sh*ts of you playing pool.

Sounds good.

Play a little pool, be admired
by hundreds of girls --

ho, hum, just another day.

OK, A.C., babe, I want
you to relax, have fun with it,

and don't be nervous.

Makeup!

(SURPRISED) Whoa!

I'm not wearing makeup.

Look, it's just to take the
shine off your face.

Everybody does it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger does it.

OK, if Arnold does it.

Just take off your jacket.

[camera sh**ting]

Oh, yes.

You're beautiful.
You're now.

You're here.
You're today.

You are happening.

Wait a minute, you're
not happening.

Why aren't you happening?

Because I feel weird.

I mean, look, everybody's
staring at me.

You think everybody's
staring at you now?

Wait till you take
your shirt off!

I'm supposed to play pool
with my shirt off?

Yes, pool is a very sweaty game.

Work with me, work with me.

This is demeaning.
I'm leaving--

in an hour.

[bike horn honking]

Ah,

here you are.

You girls forgot to tell
me where the sh**t was.

I figured I'd pose on my bike.

Yeah, Screech on a Schwinn.

Hey, girls, that sounds
sexy to me.

Thanks, professor,

and please enjoy this fine
snack food product from Sweetco.

Oh, I will.

- What's up Mike?
- Hey, Zack.

Zack, how would you like
a delicious chocolate treat

with a nutty, zesty crunch?

Pass.

Listen, I know
you're my professor,

but can I ask you
something personal?

Yeah, sure.

I've noticed that a lot of girls in
your class have a crush on you.

And I was just wondering what
do you say to them?

Well, I usually tell them
as much as I like you,

it's unethical for a
professor to date a student.

You see, your father has very
strict rules against it.

In fact, it's grounds
for being fired.

So I'm afraid we're not going to
be able to see each other anymore.

I can't believe it.

You're willing to give up what we
have together for your ethical beliefs!

Well, I have to look at myself
every morning in the mirror and say,

you've done the right
thing Professor Lasky.

Well, I know what you must
be going through.

That's why I'm going to daddy
first thing in the morning,

and I'm telling him
that I am leaving Cal U

so that you and
I can be together!

Oh, no, you can't--

I've got to get rid of this girl
tonight, or tomorrow morning,

I'm going to go bungee
jumping without the bungee.

So Jennifer, I uh,

I hope you don't mind me
bringing along a student on our date.

No, of course not.

I think it's very noble that you want
to help lonely students adapt socially.

Hey, I got the popcorn,

so I better sit in the
middle, professor.

OK, Screech.
Go into your nerd act.

Right.
Popcorn?

I'm sorry.

Hang on. I'll go into
my nerd act in a minute.

It's all right.

Professor Lasky
explained that you need

special attention
and understanding.

He did?

That was very nice of him.

He's a wonderful man.

He is, isn't he?

You know, you're wonderful,
too, Jennifer.

I hope you two never break up.

Hang up to this one, buddy.

Oh, um, I didn't mean
to intrude.

I'll just be going.

Oh, oh.

It's time for plan B.

Jeremiah!

Jeremiah Lasky?

There you are.

I figured I'd find you in
some cheap night spot!

Honey, who is this woman?

Honey?

So this is who you've
been catting around with

while I've been home
slaving over a hot stove

cooking dinner for
little Buffy and Muffy?

What is she talking about?

b*at it you homewrecker!

(ANGRILY) You're married?

Well--

Yes he's married!

Well, what did you think
of my performance?

Very realistic.

We better tell Kelly we
don't need her for plan C.

Right.

There you are, you, you rat!

Are those pictures
of all your hunks?

That's right.

And I suppose you still
disapprove.

I'm an open-minded person.

I never pass judgment on
anything until I've seen it.

So let me see it.

So you girls thought that
selling candy was a silly idea.

Well, I'll have you know
that I made $329.

And I won a free trip
to summer camp.

How much did you make?

So far, $2,300
in advance sales.

Looks like we've got
ourselves a big screen TV.

Who's we, Candyman?

Looks like I'm going to be watching
a lot of that Melrose 90210 thing.

You're not really going to
use this picture, are you?

This is so embarrassing.

I look like one of
Madonna's dancers.

Here, now this--

this is a good picture, huh?

Why don't you use this one?

We can't use this. It's a
picture of you at Disneyland.

Come on, you're hugging Goofy.

Grow up, Slater. We're
playthings for millions of women.

So get used to it.

Hey, where's my picture?

Actually, Screech, you're not
going to be in the calendar.

I'm not?

I guess I was kidding myself.

I mean, me in a pinup calendar,

not unless they invent
the month of Geekuary.

I'm sorry, Screech.

Take it from me, Screech,
you're not missing much.

It's like I'm a piece of meat.

At least you're prime rib.

I'm pimento loaf.

If only I had a body like yours.

It could be worse.

In a few weeks,

I'm going to be ashamed to
show my face around campus.

Wait.

I have an idea I think will
make you both happy.

[knocking]
Yeah?

- Hey, professor.
- Hey, Zack.

Just came by to drop
off your books.

You know, the one on the Mayan
religious rituals is very interesting.

- You read all those books?
- Sure did.

Man, in the last few days,
you've become a new person.

You don't know the half of it.

[phone ringing]

Professor Lasky.

Yes, Chancellor Williams?

What?

Your daughter?

Oh, he's about to hear
the other half now.

She said I what?

Muffy and Buffy?

- I'll be right there.
- Sir, I better explain.

I met the Chancellor's daughter.

Of course, I didn't know she
was the Chancellor's daughter.

And somehow she got the crazy
idea that I was you.

And how did she get that idea?

Well, I suspect it was when I
said, I'm Professor Lasky.

But did I mention she
was gorgeous?

Oh, well, I'm glad
she was gorgeous,

because I'd hate for you
to ruin my career and my life

over someone who is
(YELLING) just average!

- I'm sorry, sir.
- That's not good enough!

You wait here.
I'll deal with you later.

Romantic relationships
between students and faculty

are strictly forbidden,
Professor Lasky.

I'm aware of that, sir.

I assure you, I would never
date your daughter.

Then who did?

I couldn't say, sir.

Ms. Hancock, send
in my daughter.

Sir, you expect me to believe
that some mysterious stranger

decided to impersonate you--

please.

Jennifer, is there something
you'd like to say to Professor Lasky?

There certainly is.

Where is he?

I'm Professor Lasky.

You're Professor Lasky?

You mean he's not?

Oh, this has clearly been
an unfortunate mistake.

Allow me to apologize,
professor.

Would you like a Choco
Chews bar?

No thank you.

If that'll be all, sir.
I'll be going.

Excuse me. Chancellor Williams,

Professor Lasky is
completely innocent.

It was all my fault.

- Zack, this isn't necessary.
- Let me finish.

You see, sir, I pretended
to be a Professor Lasky

because I wanted to
impress your daughter.

I'm sorry, sir, and Jennifer,
I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're the Jeremiah Lasky?

Professor, I assure you this
student will be published to

the fullest extent of my powers.

And if there's anything I
could do to make this--

Actually there is.

Don't expel him.

He's my student.
Let me handle it.

Well, if you're sure.

I suppose that's acceptable.

Did I mention that
I loved your book?

Do you have time for
a cappuccino?

Let's go, honey.

I want to show you some slides
of Oklahoma College for Women.

Listen, professor, thanks
for saving my butt.

I mean, you're a real--

I was going to say friend.

Friend is OK.

But I'm still your teacher, and
you're still in trouble.

I know.

So what are you going
to make me do, huh?

An extra assignment?

More like community service.

A friend of mine runs
a retirement home.

And they always need an extra
man for square dancing.

I was supposed to do it,

but since you're so darn
good at impersonating me,

why don't you do it

for the next six months?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and watch out
for Mrs. Gordon.

She pinches.

[knocking]

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
Chancellor Williams.

Nah.

You're beautiful.

You're now.
You're today.

You're free.

You're happening.

Wow, I feel like Fabio.

You're married?

Well--

Yes, he's married.

You rat!