01x11 - Teacher's Pet

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Guess what, guys.
I just called Mom.

It's going to be perfect
Thanksgiving weather in L.A.

93 degrees and only a stage
one smog alert.

I can't wait to get home.

Me too.
I'm psyched.

I'm 18, I'm a man, and
I'm a frat guy.

You know what that means.

You get to sit at the head
of the kids' table?

You know it, bucko.

- [knocking]
- Hey, guys

- You about ready to go?
- Just about.

So Mike, is your mom gonna miss
you for Thanksgiving?

No.

She's just thankful she doesn't
have to feed me.

Besides, I've got 20
underprivileged kids coming by

for Thanksgiving dinner.

Oh, that's cool.

That's pretty nice, Mike.

Maybe I can stay and help out.

Nope.
That's OK, Screech.

Thanks, though.

Kind of reminds me though,

I've got, uh, four tickets to
the Raider game in L.A. on Friday.

- Anybody want them?
- Ooh, me, me, me.

- I do, I want them.
- I do, too.

But it's not for me.
It's for my brother, Teddy.

You see, he's in the
Peace Corps.

He just got back from building
schools in Guatemala.

Teddy's never gone
to an NFL game before,

but you go ahead
and take them, Slater.

Selfish.

Well, that was certainly a
heartwarming crock you just sold.

All right, all right, so I
don't have a brother Teddy

and I really don't even
know where Guatemala is.

But I can sell these babies
for big bucks.

Happy Thanksgiving.

♪ I'm standing
at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the
edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen
such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at
the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future
looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge
of tomorrow today ♪

Alex, what have you got in here?

We're only going for four days.

I have 24 outfits and
all my make-up.

I want to make a good impression
on your family.

You want to make a
good impression?

Don't talk politics
with my father.

Got it.

Laugh at all of my Uncle
Cesar's jokes.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

No problem.

And when you meet Grandma
Maria, remember.

You're Mexican.

Si, senor.

You guys have a good trip.

OK.
Bye.

Leslie, are you sure you
won't go home with me?

I hate to see you alone
for Thanksgiving.

Oh, thanks, Kelly, but
I'm used to it.

My family is always
traveling on Thanksgiving,

so I'm just going to stay here and help
Mike with his Feed the Kids program.

Hey, Leslie, Thanksgiving's not
a big deal at your house?

I thought your ancestors came
over on the Mayflower.

Well, actually, some of them
were at the first Thanksgiving.

Did you know that we invented
the three bean salad?

Leslie, great news.

NBC Sports called, and
tomorrow Marv Albert's coming here

to do a halftime report on
my Feed the Kids program.

That's great.

What are you doing?

I'm making turkey place cards.

Cute, huh?

Leslie, these are tough
street kids,

not the Olsen twins.

OK.
We're ready to hit the road.

Can I have the car keys, Dad?

Not so fast.

First, we've got to go over
a few ground rules.

No eating or drinking,
don't pick up hitchhikers,

and observe all
the traffic laws.

Not to worry, Mike, I know the
laws backwards and forwards.

After all, I took my driving
test 11 times.

I don't want him anywhere
near the front seat.

- Got it.
- We'll strap him to the luggage rack.

I'll drive.

- No, no, no. I'm gonna drive.
- No, no. Me first. Vroom, vroom.

Oh, Screech, before you go, I
got to set up for dinner tomorrow.

Would you give me a hand
moving the pool table?

Oh, you won't let
me drive your car,

but you want me to help
you move the pool table.

- Is that what you're saying?
- Exactly.

OK.

OK, now this is really heavy.

So remember, lift with your
legs, not with your back.

Right.

OK, I'm gonna count to
three and then go.

Ready.
One, two, three.

[grunts]
Ow!

You lifted with your
back, didn't you?

Why didn't you lift?

I said three.

You didn't say go.

Hey, Screech.

Come on, buddy.

We're ready to leave.
Let's go.

MIKE (OFFSCREEN): I said
I could do it myself!

SCREECH (OFFSCREEN): Well, if
that's the way you want it.

[crashing]

Mike, what happened?

I've got a concussion.

I thought you had
a slipped disk.

I do.

Now, I've got a concussion.

I feel terrible.

Look on the bright side.

Got yourself a free Abba Zaba.

Come on, Screech, let's go.

I can't.
I have to stay here.

Mike needs me.

I feel so responsible.

No, Screech.

Go home.
Please, go home.

Go home and cr*pple somebody
in your own family.

[singing along with the radio]

[singing along with the radio]

Oh, we've lost the signal.

We're too far out of the city.

Ooh, I hope your
family likes me.

Oh, don't be silly, Alex.
They're gonna love you.

Just don't stare at Uncle
Manny's toupee.

Which one's Uncle Manny?

Trust me.
You'll know.

Zack, are you sure about
this shortcut?

Look, I don't want to get lost.
My family's waiting up for me.

Kelly, Kelly, please,
don't worry.

I'll have you home before
you can say--

- [grinding noise from engine]
- --what the heck was that?

Aw, man.
Did we get stuck?

Oh, great.

Now we're stuck out here in
the middle of nowhere.

Guys, calm down.

I know exactly where we are.

Not a clue.

[owl hooting]

Slater, what's wrong
with the truck?

I don't know yet.

I don't suppose they have a
ladies' room around here.

Just go in the woods, Kelly.

Right.
Alex, you want to go with me?

Even in the woods, they
have to go in pairs.

I'm not going with you.

I saw this "Twilight Zone" where
a woman got lost in the woods

and she was eaten
by the goat people.

Maybe I won't go.

Kelly, I saw that episode.

The goat people lived in
Kentucky, not California.

Just go.

Yeah, maybe I will go.

[bleating like a goat]

I'll go later.

Leslie, there is no way I'm
gonna be able to cook

Thanksgiving dinner this year.

So you're gonna have
to cook for me.

Me?
Cook?

Are, are you kidding?

I thought I was in charge
of decorations.

Nobody in my family
has ever cooked!

Leslie, cooking is simple.

All you gotta do is
follow the recipe.

You're right.

I'm an intelligent young woman.

I have a 3.8 GPA.

I can certainly follow
a simple recipe.

What's a tsp?

- What?
- Tsp.

T-S-P period.

Teaspoon, Leslie.

T-S-P stands for teaspoon.

Well, I never said
I had a 4.0.

Hey, Mike.

I got some pills and
some cooking stuff.

But first, it's time to
take your temperature.

Get away from me
with that thing!

Don't worry, Mike.
This isn't for you.

It's just a turkey thermometer.

I don't know why you gotta take
my temperature anyway.

I've got a herniated disk.

I know, but look at you.

Your face is all red, and
your eyes are bulgy.

It's because you're
driving me crazy!

[honking]

Come on, Slater.

Hurry up. I've got to
get back to L.A. in time

to sell these Raiders tickets.

Hey!

Any of you goat people out
there like football?

Don't stir them up.

You know, Zack, this
reminds me of the time

that you and I went for a drive
and ran out of gas up on Mulholland.

Oh, yeah.

Remember how cold it got?

I remember how warm it got.

Yes, I do remember.

And I still can't believe you
fell for that out of gas bit.

Me?
I was the one who was driving.

Oh, yeah.

I found it.

I know what's wrong.

- Great.
- Oh good.

So how soon can you
get it fixed?

Well, that depends.

Do you have a new oil
pump in your purse?

We're gonna die.

This is exactly like another
"Twilight Zone" I saw.

William Shatner's
car broke down.

He started to walk for help.

He was caught by the pod people
and never seen again,

until "Star Trek."

Here comes a car!
We're saved!

Hey, hey, over here.

- We need some help!
- b*at it, Conehead!

I have a g*n!

[tires squealing]

What are you doing?

Saving your lives.

It was a Chevy.

The pod people drove a Chevy.

I can't believe you.

How stupid can you get?

Hey, hey, that's my girlfriend.

I don't care.
That was really stupid.

I know, but she's still
my girlfriend.

Oh, so you think I'm stupid?

Well, I would rather spend
Thanksgiving out here with the pod people

than with you and your Uncle
Manny and his bad toupee.

Pod people, come back!

I'm sorry about the
potatoes, Mike.

I must have put in too many
tsps of something.

That's OK, Leslie.

At least we've got the turkeys.

You did confirm the
turkeys, right?

Hey, you're talking
to Screech Powers.

You did confirm the
turkeys, right?

I just got off the phone
with the market.

Good, because the kids will
be here any minute.

What are you guys doing here?

The oil pump in your car d*ed.

We had to get towed
back this morning.

How are you going to get home?

Well, we're certainly not going
to drive Mike's car.

All the garages are closed
for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, and all the flights
are booked.

I had to do some pretty fancy
talking to get on standby.

You know, Zack, we all want to
be home for Thanksgiving.

I mean, all you ever think
about is yourself.

That's not true.

SLATER (OFFSCREEN): Yes, it is.

You could've put me
on standby, too.

What about me?
Your girlfriend?

After I memorized everyone in
your family and their deformities.

Got the turkeys for Mike Rogers.

Oh, great.

Look, I know it's not the same
as going home with your families,

but you're always welcome to
have Thanksgiving dinner with us.

He's right.

Look, we're all disappointed,
but it is Thanksgiving.

Let's make the best of it.

I don't know a
lot about cooking,

but I don't think
these turkeys are ready to eat.

Those turkeys are frozen.

I ordered cooked turkeys.

I know, but I saved
you $47.95.

You know what you can
do with that money?

Yes.

I can hire a hit man
to k*ll you.

It takes a full day to defrost
a turkey, you nitwit.

Kids, hurry up, before
the turkeys get cold.

Hey, thanks for what you're
doing here, Mike.

And boy, are we hungry.

Well, we've got to do something.

These kids think we're going
to eat in a half hour.

Don't worry, Mike.

I'll have these babies
thawed in no time.

Aw, that's great, Screech.

You know, pretty soon you can open
up your own chain of turkey salons.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

Think I'll call it Super Clucks.

Zack, you've got to run to whatever
store's open and buy anything edible.

All right.

Oh, by the way, if the airline
calls for Dr. Zack Morris,

tell them to hold the plane.

I'll be there as soon as
I pick up the kidney.

Hey, listen, I don't
want to rush you guys,

but a couple of the kids are
talking about stripping the dean's car.

Can anybody go and keep
them entertained?

Can I keep them entertained?

You are talking to a
trained professional

with three years
of children's theater.

I better go make sure
they don't mug her.

OK, let's see what we
can salvage here.

Leslie, why don't you
chop the onions?

I'm sorry I screwed up.

Thanksgiving dinner in my
family was usually room service.

Gee, I'm really sorry, Leslie.

I can remember waking
up on Thanksgiving morning

and
helping my mom cook.

Just the smell of the
food filled the whole house,

made you feel all
warm and loved and--

I don't know why I'm getting
so emotional.

It's your memory.

I'll chop the onions.

Peel the potatoes.

Potatoes.

Use a peeler!

Alex, I think these kids are
a little too old for this game.

Oh, Slater, you are
never too old.

OK, Simon says, hands on head.

Simon says, hands on hips.

Simon says, get a life, lady.

[kids agreeing]

Oh, I get it, so you guys
think you're so tough.

Well, I'll tell you about tough.

In my church theater group, I
auditioned for the role of Annie six times,

and I never got it,
and I was good, too.

(SINGING) ♪ The sun'll
come out tomorrow ♪

[groans]

OK, that's enough.

Simon says, go play video games.

It's OK, honey.

Thanks for saving me, Slater.

I was really dying out there.

Nah.
No, you were great, Alex.

And when you come
home with me for Christmas,

my family's going to love you.

Aw, that's sweet.

Kiss me.

Go for it, dude.

Simon says, shut up, kid.

So girls, tell me
some good news.

(TOGETHER) Screech left.

That is good news.
Where'd he go?

The blowdryer broke.

So he took the turkeys to
the gym for a sauna.

- I'm back.
- What took you so long?

Hey, man, it's Thanksgiving.

The only store open was
(INDIAN ACCENT) 7/11.

By the way, did the
airline call?

Not yet, Dr. Morris.

What'd you buy?

Turkey spam, cranberry
juice, Tater Tots?

Like I said, it was (INDIAN
ACCENT) 7/11.

Just be glad I did not
buy a turkey slurpee.

What?

- Hey.
- How'd the sauna work out?

Well, the turkeys
are still frozen,

but my skin feels all
fresh and tingly.

Hey, did you guys know there's
a camera crew outside?

Marv Albert's here?

You guys try to make
something out of this.

I'll go keep him busy so he
doesn't know anything's wrong.

OK, let's make the Tater Tots.

(SINGING)
♪ You're only a day away ♪

That was very good.

But you know, I just broadcast
the games.

I have no control over who sings
the national anthem.

Oh.

Never mind.

Hey, Marv, how you doing?

Hey, Mike, what happened to you?

Ah, I'm OK. I just hurt
my back on a pool table.

That must have
been some trick sh*t.

Yeah.

All right, here's what we'll do.

I'll do a brief introduction,

and then I'll ask you about
the Feed the Kids program.

Sounds great, Marv.

And then we'll take
a sh*t of the turkey.

Oh, people have seen
turkeys before.

They're probably stuffed.

Hey, we should talk
about football.

How 'bout them Cowboys?

Live in five, Marv.
Three, two.

Happy Turkey Day, everybody.

I'm Marv Albert along
with the former linebacker

for the San Francisco
49ers, Mike Rogers.

Now, Mike has put
together a great program

providing Thanksgiving
meals for needy kids.

Mike, why don't you
tell us about it?

Well, I've been sponsoring this
for about six years now.

And you know, it's amazing.

There's a lot of kids out there
that, that really haven't had a chance

to have a traditional
Thanksgiving meal.

Dinner is served!

It is?
No, it isn't.

Ah, the traditional
Thanksgiving meal.

And what would Thanksgiving be
without a plump, juicy turkey,

with all the trimmings.

Well, thanks for
coming by, Marv.

I'm sure you'll want to get back
to that exciting second half, huh?

No, actually we have a
lot of time. No, no problem.

Let's take a sh*t of the turkey.

What is this?

Cigars?

No, it's turkey jerky.

One stick equals your yearly
minimum salt requirement.

And it's 100% guaranteed
neck meat.

Yum.

Marv, Marv, let me explain.

See, see, Leslie made
these green potatoes,

and then the
oil pump went out on my truck,

and, and then this nut puts
turkeys in a sauna.

Mike, thanks for explaining
things.

We do have a very exciting
second half coming up

with the score Dallas,
67, and Detroit, 3.

Pardon me.
Excuse me.

Does anyone have an extra
plane ticket to L.A.?

Hi, Mom.

Well, I don't know what you
guys are all complaining about.

This turkey jerky is
pretty darn tasty.

It tastes like my belt.

I'm sorry about this, everybody.

That's terrific.

What time's the flight leave?

No, no, no.
Don't worry, I'll be there.

[sighs]

Oh my god, it's Jonathan
Brandis from SeaQuest.

Excuse me, Mr. Brandis, what
are you doing above water?

Well, I was watching the game
and I saw what happened.

Mike, I'd like to donate
this turkey.

I can't believe this.

This is-- this is great.

Thank you.
Thank you.

It's Marsha Warfield!
It's Marsha Warfield!

Don't feel bad, Mike.

First turkey I ever cooked
was a disaster.

I b*rned it to a crisp.

Told everybody it was Cajun,
they ate it anyway.

Marsha, I, I don't know
how to thank you.

Just give me a fork and
point me to the yams.

Thanks.

OK.
I'm freaking out.

It's Six from Blossom.

No, it's not.

It's just one person from
Blossom, Jenna von Oy.

I was on my way to a
Thanksgiving dinner,

and I thought you guys
could use these pies more.

I, I hardly know what to say,

Well, how about let's eat?
I'm starved.

Yeah, just don't touch
my yams, homeboy.

This is great.
All these people helping out.

Even celebrities.

I wonder who's going to be next.

Tom Cruise?

Well, it's better
than Tom Cruise.

It's our old principal,
Mr. Belding.

Mr. Belding, what are
you doing here?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what
is going on here?

Whatever it was, I didn't do it.

Relax, Zack.

I was visiting my
mom in San Francisco

when I saw that my kids had
nothing to eat for Thanksgiving.

So I'd just like to say, from
the bottom of my heart--

whoa, is that Six from Blossom?

Would you sign your name
in my mashed potatoes?

I just want to thank you all
for coming by and helping out.

Thank you.

I'd like to say something, too.

I thought the only way to celebrate
Thanksgiving was with your family.

But I guess it doesn't matter
who you're with

or what you're eating.

We should be thankful
for what we have --

our health, our friendship,
and our love.

I guess you can find a family
anywhere you go.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Uh, am I too late?

I've got the cranberry sauce.

I'm gonna faint.
It's Brian Austin Green.

Kelly, Kelly, before you faint,

can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

[kelly hyperventilating]

Kelly, I just talked
to the airlines.

- So did you get your ticket?
- Yep, flight leaves at 8:00.

- That's great.
- Actually, it's great for you.

When you get home, give your
mom a big hug for me.

What are you talking about?

I want you to have the ticket.

Really?

How much?

For free, Kelly.

I'm having a Thanksgiving
moment here.

Go with it.

Well, what brought this on?

Well, I was just thinking
about what you said.

And I realized that
Thanksgiving is important to you.

And making you happy is even
more important to me than money.

More than money?

Uh--

I think that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh.

You k*lled it!

You k*lled the turkey.

Give it mouth to mouth!

Clear.