01x01 - The Pilot

[bunniefuu]

( Female ) Sleek, sophisticated, seductive.

The new millennium edition, crown royal funeral coach.

Because your loved one deserves the very best in style and comfort.

( Singing with radio ) ♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪

♪ you can plan on me... ♪

( Phone )

Nathaniel Fisher.

( Female ) Nathaniel?

It's Ruth.

Did you take your blood pressure medication today?

Yes.

Don't lie to me.

I took it.

What do you want me to do, O.D. on it?

Oh, and I just realized we don't have any of that soy stuff Nate drinks.

You know, since he gave up milk.

I don't know what it's called.

Why not just cut some milk with tap water?

He'll never know the difference.

Look, if you don't want to go, I'll go.

It's not as if I don't have enough to do already.

I'm kidding, I'll get some.

But it has to be after I pick up Nate at the airport, I'm already running late.

Nathaniel...

Are you smoking?

No.

Yes, you are, I heard you.

I'm not, no, I'm not.

Look, forget you'll give yourself cancer and die a slow and horrible death.

You should not be stinking up that new hearse.

I told you not to let him take it.

Like I could've stopped him.

He's every bit as proud of that thing as your fool brother was of that damn motorcycle he had in high school.

And who still has a pin in his foot?

Nathaniel, people want things to be nice when there's a funeral.

They don't want their loved ones riding around in something that smells like an ashtray.

Alright, look, I'm quitting right now, I promise.

Okay? I'll see you tonight.

♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪

♪ If only ♪

♪ in my dreams ♪

That new hearse was a total waste of money.

There was nothing wrong with the old one.

I think your father's having some sort of mid-life crisis.

It would've made so much more sense to invest in re-paneling for the chapel, or adding coffee bars to the slumber rooms.

Well, I'd much rather he buy himself a fancy new hearse than leave me for a younger woman.

Or a woman my age, for that matter.

Or heaven forbid, a man, like my cousin Hannah's husband did.

God sure has dealt that woman some blows in this life.

Mom...

Can I do anything to help?

No, no, honey, I'm fine.

Besides don't you have a viewing tonight?

You should probably be getting ready.

Right.

So, I enjoyed talking to you about that whole shiatsu thing, I hope that pans out for you.

You should let me work on you sometime.

Here's my cell number, I'll be here until the 29th.

Here you go.

Huh.

My dad was supposed to meet me here.

I could give you a ride.

That's alright, I'm sure he'll be here soon enough.

I wasn't talking about that kind of ride.

You've done a nice job.

She looks so peaceful.

Well, she is at peace now.

If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling sh*t in hell.

( Phone )

Excuse me.

David Fisher.

David, it's Claire.

Is Nate there yet?

Nope.

I thought he was coming in tonight, so we could do that whole forced Christmas Eve family thing.

Well...

Because there are some really excellent parties I could be going to.

Claire.

This is one of the few times a year we're all together.

Alright, don't get all Pat Robertson on me, I'll be there.

I have to drop some stuff off at a friend's house before I head over, okay? Bye.

f*cking boy scout.

( Heavy breathing )

This is kinda disgusting.

Disgusting good or disgusting bad?

Oh, disgusting very good.

I know.

You're so f*cking hot.

You're so sweet.

I'm a sweet guy.

Shut up and f*ck me.

( Phone )

Hello?

This is Ruth Fisher.

Yes, I'm his wife.

What is this about?

What?!

( Screaming )

Excuse me.

Mom, what the hell are you...?

There's been an accident.

The new hearse is totaled.

Your father is dead.

Your father is dead and my pot roast is ruined.

Oh, my god.

( Female ) You carry a lot of tension around in your lower back.

Not as much as 20 minutes ago.

Just so you know...

I never do this.

Oh yeah, me neither.

So...

Were you ever gonna tell me your name?

Probably not.

Why not?

Because I'm a realist.

( Phone )

That's my father looking for me.

Hey, dad.

Oh, Dave, hey, merry Christmas.

Of course I'm okay.

Couldn't be better in fact.

What?

I'm so sorry, Nate.

I hate to have to be the one to tell you.

This is just speed, right?

Promise me this isn't cr*ck.

'Cause I gotta spend tonight having Christmas Eve dinner with my demented family it's gonna be weird enough without me being high on cr*ck.

No, it's just crystal meth.

It just makes everything burn a little bit brighter.

And it makes sex like totally primal.

Here.

It's alright.

Oh, well, it's too late now.

( Phone )

It's mine.

Hello?

David, hi.

Hang on a second.

So, is Nate there yet?

No, he's still at the airport.

Claire, I've got bad news.

What?

Um...

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'm on my way.

I have to go.

No f*cking way!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're coming back, right?

Uh, I don't think so.

My dad just got hit by a bus and it broke his neck and he's dead.

I gotta go pick up my mom and bring her to the morgue so she can identify his body.

( Laughter )

No, I'm not kidding.

This is actually happening.

And now I'm high on cr*ck!

Crystal.

Whatever!

So, I guess this whole hellish experience I'm about to go through is just gonna burn a little brighter now, right?

Great, thank you!

f*ck!

( Door slamming )

You really didn't have to do this.

I could've just rented a car.

It's okay.

You're in no shape to drive.

And frankly, I'm in no hurry to get home to my family's annual Christmas Eve m*ssacre.

Parents who stayed together for the children, but really because they got off on tormenting each other so much.

Manic-depressive brother who always chooses the holidays to go off his medication.

Oh, and an ancient springer spaniel who's completely blind, deaf, and incontinent.

What about you?

Uh, actually, we're pretty normal.

My mom's a control freak.

My brother, um, well, he's a control freak, too.

And, my sister...

Well, I left home right before she was born, so I never really knew her that well, but she's kind of wild like I was.

Was?

My dad really rode my ass when I was a kid.

I couldn't go rafting 'cause he'd just buried this girl who drowned.

He buries this dipshit loser who O.D.'d at A Flock of Seagulls concert, suddenly I'm not allowed to go to concerts for a year.

Your dad worked in a cemetery?

How could a man who's so f*cking scared of everything who never had an a accident or even a speeding ticket in his entire f*cking life, how could he have a car wreck?

Are you mad at him, or the fact that we're all gonna die?

Are you a shrink?

No, god, no!

No!

Both my parents are.

So, what else do you want to talk about?

The weather?

Or the fact that we both just f*cked a perfect stranger?

And that we both lied when we said we never did that?

( Chattering )

( Male ) Wonderful service.

( Female ) Yes, it was, very nice.

Ahh...!

She looked so peaceful, thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Wonderful job.

Did you know that before you were born, funeral homes ran the ambulance business?

No.

Hearses were the only vehicles that could transport people lying down.

Wow.

Your father used to joke about that.

Just drive him around the block a few more times, and we won't need to stop at the hospital.

You're kind of freaking me out right now.

Claire...

Are you having sex?

What?

Or doing dr*gs?

Why are you asking me this right now?

Your father is dead.

I can't even remember the last time you and I talked about anything important.

I need to know you're okay.

Oh, yeah...

Believe me, I'm okay.

You know, considering.

Do you work here?

Uh, yes.

I wanted to compliment you on the music.

I've been to three other funerals this year.

Cancer, stroke, pediatric leukemia, and the music is always that same sad organ music.

It reminds me of those soap operas my mom used to watch before I started kindergarten.

Oh god, you're probably too young to remember that.

Anyway, I so prefer this light classical, you know, chamber orchestra stuff.

It's still spiritual, but doesn't seem so dated or depressing.

I studied music appreciation...

( Female voice ) You think I'm really boring, don't you?

Well, get used to it.

Because now that your father is dead, you can forget about ever going law school.

It's just you, and dead people, and freaks like me for the rest of your life!

Aah...!

Mom!

Mom, I'm so sorry.

Who's she?

Ah...

This is, um...

Brenda Chenoweth.

Brenda... Chenoweth.

Um, Brenda, this is my mom, Ruth Fisher, and my sister, Claire.

Um, Nate, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, just give me a minute.

Mom, did you already do the...

I can't.

I've seen too many dead people in my life.

They're work.

I won't see your father that way.

I need you to do it.

Oh.

Nate, I need to talk to you now, please, it's urgent.

So, how did you and my son meet?

In cooking class.

I have to tell somebody.

I am tweaking.

Yeah, we're all upset.

No, I'm high on crystal.

I smoked some with some friends before David called me.

You did what?

Don't worry, it's the first time.

But I think I'm having some kind of a meltdown, and I can't tell if it's dad being dead or the crystal.

I'm really scared.

You cannot do this to me right now.

Don't be such a narc, we smoked pot at Thanksgiving.

Look, I have to go identify our dead father's body.

I'm sorry you're having a bad drug experience, but deal with it.

( Unzippering )

Well?

( Father's voice ) Well, well.

The prodigal returns.

This is what you've been running away from your whole life, buddy boy.

Scared the crap out of you when you were growing up, didn't it?

And you thought you'd escape, well, guess what?

Nobody escapes.

Well?

Yeah, that's him.

Okay, let's get out of here.

How'd he look?

Dead.

Will there need to be a lot of reconstruction?

David's not that skill at the really hard stuff.

Federico usually does that, he's quite gifted.

You don't think we'll have to have a closed casket, do you?

I would hate to send that message.

What message?

That we're not equipped to handle a major restoration, or that we're not proud of our work.

Mom, can we talk about this later?

We should really get Nate home, he's probably exhausted.

Let's go.

Um...

Thanks...

For driving me here.

Please.

I'm just avoiding my own hell.

I'm a big coward.

Me, too.

I don't know if I can handle this.

Well, you're about to find out.

I wish you the best, Nate.

Goodbye.

Claire...

You're driving too fast.

This isn't fast, you wanna see fast?

( Engine accelerates )

Pull over!

Listen, do you do a lot of dr*gs?

What?

No.

And it's none of your business.

Yes, it is my business.

Look, you were driving like a maniac back there, you could've gotten us all k*lled.

What the hell is this?

You're not my father.

You split as soon as you could, you don't even know me.

So, don't start thinking you can tell me what to do, okay?

( Door opening )

So, where's dad, downstairs already?

Um, he's still in the morgue.

You didn't bring him back with you?

( Mother ) Oh, dear.

That didn't even cross my mind.

We should've taken the Van so we could bring him home.

I'm sorry.

That was very stupid of me.

Nice going, Dave.

Like she doesn't have enough to feel bad about right now?

Things have to be done.

Federico's downstairs, ready to start.

Every second we wait will only make dad's restoration more difficult.

But you wouldn't know about that, would you?

Bag boy.

"Bag boy"?

I am assistant manager of organic produce at the highest volume food co-op in Seattle.

Jesus, pull your dicks out and measure them, let's get this over with!

What were we supposed to do, just throw dad in the back of Claire's car?

It is a hearse!

Yeah, hi, it's David Fisher.

Yeah, so I need to come pick up the body.

These people mean nothing to me.

( Ghost ) Know you not the family of the man who has slaved for you from dawn to dark these many years?

( Scrooge ) They appear to be so happy...

I made you some dinner.

I'm so not hungry.

We have to eat, Claire.

We didn't die.

Brother, tiny Tim.

On three, one, two, three.

Really sorry, man.

Thanks.

( Male ) For a body that's firm yet flexible, for skin that begs to be touched.

For the velvety appearance of actual living tissue, top morticians rely on living splendor embalming fluid.

Living splendor...

Hey, buddy boy.

Come on in, it's okay.

Say hello to Mr. Bloomberg.

There isn't anything to be afraid of, Nate.

Mr. Bloomberg's dead.

And I'm getting him ready so his family can see him for the last time, and say goodbye to him.

It'll make them feel better.

That's what daddy does.

What do you got?

Bang!

Oh! You got me.

You can touch him if you wear one of these.

Believe me, he won't mind.

He won't care.

Nate!

Whazzup?

Hey, Rico.

It's good to see you.

Ooh.

Really sorry about your dad, man.

But when your time's up, it's up, right?

( David ) How's he doing?

So far so good.

I really appreciate you coming in on Christmas Eve, Federico.

It's the least I could do for Mr. F, everything he did for me.

I was gonna be up all night anyway, putting together all this useless sh*t Santa Claus is bringing my kid, you know?

We don't use that kind of language in here.

Show some respect.

You need something?

Uh, no.

I just...

( phone )

David Fisher.

Hey, listen, I just want to remind you, don't eat too much with your family tonight, alright?

'Cause I am making you something totally decadent and fatty for dessert...

Hold just a second, please.

Hi.

Keith, I'm sorry, I can't make it.

Why not?

Because my father was just k*lled in a car accident.

Oh, sh*t, David, I'm so sorry.

What can I do?

Nothing, thanks, but I have to stay here.

Listen, if you need anything don't hesitate to call me.

Sure.

I mean it, David.

You don't have to go through this alone.

I gotta go.

Okay, here it goes.

This is the one I'm most proud of.

The husband, okay?

He got fired, flipped out, sh*t his wife point Blank in the head, then turned it around and sh*t himself in the mouth.

Some seriously closed casket sh*t, right?

Now look at this.

Huh?

Like the bride and groom on top of a cake.

And then we cremated 'em.

What a f*ckin' waste.

Oh...

Actually...

This right here is, this is my best work.

Wait a minute, this kid was born just like last month.

He'll be four f*cking years old in April, can you believe it?

Oh...

Vanessa's pregnant again.

You stud!

( Federico ) It wasn't planned, you know what?

Neither was this one, and he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Keep an eye on those chemicals, Federico, we don't want him to burn.

Hey.

Where's mom?

She went to bed.

Was she feeling any better?

Yeah, Nate, she was on top of the g*dd*mn world.

Where's David?

He's downstairs working.

On dad?

Yeah, well, him and Rico.

He said not to wait up for him, we should just try and get some sleep.

Yeah, as if that were a viable option.

You want to go to the grocery store?

Yes, anything to get out of here.

( Phone )

Hello?

Well, it's about to start raining frogs here.

How are things on your end?

God, I'm glad you called.

Really, why?

I don't know, because you, uh...

You have a calming effect on me.

Uh-huh.

Are you familiar with the psychological term projection?

Are you familiar with the psychological term "blow me"?

Come on.

You grew up with all that psycho-babble.

You rebelled against it every chance you got, still do.

And that includes having sex with strangers in closets at airports.

And you think you're not easy to read?

Coasting by on your looks and charm isn't working like it used to, but, you have no idea what else to do, because you've never had to learn.

Any woman with half a brain looks at a guy like you and thinks, good for a hot f*ck, but believe me, that's it.

Nate, can we go home? I really gotta take a shower.

Oh, god, Jesus Christ, am I not allowed to have even a single moment to myself?!

Argh!

Okay.

It's okay.

What can I do?

Nothing, no one can do anything.

You'll have to pay for that cantaloupe.

You f*ck off!

( Female ) She looked her best every day of her life.

Don't let one horribly disfiguring accident change that.

Use new wound filler cosmetic molding putty.

Now faster setting and self sealing to help make masking unsightly wounds a breeze.

♪ She said what about tonight ♪

♪ she said, "trust me, baby, it'll be alright" ♪

( Loud music playing )

( Music shuts off )

Ma, remember that stuffed dog I used to have?

And I dragged it around until its ears fell off, and then you made new ears out of a dish towel.

I hated that dog after that, and I threw it up on the roof?

No.

And then I wanted it back and I begged dad to go get it, but he said no, if I really wanted it I'd never have thrown it up there in the first place.

Your father did so many wonderful things for you, and that's all you can think of right now?

What, I just remembered it.

He was a good man!

I'm going running.

( Door closing )

Oh, no, you're doing me?

You're the worst one we've got.

Thanks, dad.

Where's Federico?

It's Christmas morning, he's with his wife and kid.

He'll be in later.

Ooh, couldn't this wait?

I don't want you ruining my face.

It's a little late for that.

Not funny.

I need to stay busy right now.

So, go reorganize some files or develop a new bookkeeping system.

That's what you're good at.

You never really had any aptitude for this stuff.

I know.

And what did I do with my life?

I went to school to learn exactly how to do this stuff.

Other kids my age were going to frat parties, I was draining corpses and refashioning severed ears out of wax.

Thank god I didn't lose an ear.

I can only imagine what you'd do with that.

And I did it all for you.

I did it to make you happy, you ungrateful sonofab*tch.

Um, Dave?

I just wanted to let you know I was here.

( Horn honking )

We'll deal you in next hand.

( Soft music playing )

I'm about to jump out of my skin.

Don't.

I'm just barely holding it together.

Are you still high?

I don't know, am I sweating?

I know I am.

This is too f*cking weird.

It's been like three days and I'm still trapped in zombie world.

This is all happening to you.

f*ck off.

Sorry, but you're not the only one who wasn't prepared for this.

I came home expecting to sleep late and chow down on mom's cooking for six days.

And now I find myself feeling like...

I'm not even a part of this family.

I'd trade places with you in heartbeat.

What, at least you got out of here.

I live in a shitty apartment which was supposed to be temporary.

I work at a job, which was also supposed to be temporary, until I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life, which apparently is nothing.

I have lots of sex but I haven't had a relationship last more than a couple of months.

I don't even have the self discipline to floss daily.

I've had four root canals, four!

I'm 35, I've had four root canals.

I'm gonna be one of those losers who ends up in his death bed saying, "where'd my life go"?

No, you won't.

You'll be saying, "where the hell's the morphine?"

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

I've spent my whole f*cking life being cheerful.

I'm sorry about your father.

But, he's in a much better place now.

You are so right about that.

Who the hell is that?!

I know, Ruth.

I know everything.

I've known the fishers for years from church.

Hmm.

You know them too.

Yes, yes, I work here.

Oh, you work here.

What are you doing here?

I just got off duty, I came to pay my respects to your father.

You've never even met my father.

Exactly.

And you've met my parents how many times now?

Christ, we just spent the weekend at their house.

Don't do this to me, Keith.

This is not your high school reunion.

I'm sorry.

This is not the time for you to be political.

You think that's why I'm here, to be political?

Would you keep your voice down?

What is this? We can f*ck each other but I can't be a shoulder for you to cry on?

I'm not crying.

So, what am I, just sex to you?

Jesus!

Do we really have to have this conversation now?

sh*t.

Here comes my mother.

I'm so tired.

I know, mom, it's exhausting.

Is something wrong?

No, nothing's wrong.

This is Keith Charles, he's a friend of mine.

He came to pay his respects to dad.

It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Fisher.

I'm really sorry about your husband.

You're friends with a cop?

We play racquetball together.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

I'd like to see your father now.

Who's that cop?

My aunt Shirley was laid out here.

Aunt Shirley, huh?

Shirley Hamilton.

Terrible accident, lost her ear.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I know Shirley, I remember Shirley.

Really?

Yes, yes, I was the person who sewed her ear back on.

That was me, that's my work.

What, she's sad, so he has to get her out of sight?

They always do that.

The second someone starts to lose it, they take them off into that room.

It makes all the other people uncomfortable, I guess.

This is not about the other people!

Volume.

When I went backpacking through Europe after I quit school, I went to this island off the coast of Sicily, it was this volcanic island.

And on the boat over, there was this pine box, somebody from the island who was being returned to be buried there.

And there are all these old Sicilians dressed up all in black, waiting, just lined up on the beach, and, when they got that coffin to the beach, those old Sicilian women just went apeshit, screaming, throwing themselves on it, b*ating their chests, tearing at their hair, making animal noises.

It was just so... So real.

I mean, I'd been around funerals my entire life, but I had never seen such grief.

And at the time it gave me the creeps.

But, now I think it's probably so much more healthy than...

This.

That cop is hot.

( Sobbing ) Oh, David, David.

I know, mom.

It's going to be okay, it just takes time.

I've done a terrible, terrible thing.

What?

I've done a terrible thing.

How's she doing?

She's fine.

I'm not fine, I'm a whore!

I was unfaithful to your father for years!

And now he knows, he knows.

Uh...

I met a man at church once when your father didn't come with me.

Mom...

And he invited me for coffee.

And he said he liked my hair.

He's a hairdresser, a widower.

Well, they divorced before she d*ed, so technically I guess he's divorced.

He invited me to accompany him on a hike.

This is really not the time.

Maybe she needs to just get this out.

Well, I don't want to hear it.

I used to love hiking when I was younger and being outdoors.

I always wanted to take you kids camping, but your father would never leave the business!

Well, I can tell you.

I went camping with this man from church several times!

Told your father I was visiting my sister.

Which, if he'd ever thought to call...

Can you even begin to fathom the impropriety of this?

Your husband is lying in a casket out there.

David, she's grief stricken, okay?

f*ck propriety.

We don't say that word!

Did you know him?

No...

Did you?

He was my father.

You're Claire?

Yeah.

Keith Charles.

I'm a friend of your brother's.

Of Nate's?

No, David's.

David's friends with a cop?

We play racquetball together.

David plays racquetball?

( David ) Excuse us.

You want me to cry on your shoulder?

Fine, my mother just confessed she was having an affair.

Wow.

Yeah, with some hairdresser, who likes to hike.

And now f*cking Nate is in there playing Mr. Sensitive with her, while her dead husband lies in the next room.

It's disgusting.

Hey, breathe.

You're gonna get through this.

Oh, I know.

I'll be the strong one, the stable one, the dependable one, because that's what I do.

Everyone around me will fall apart because that's what they do.

Hey, don't you get exhausted being so hard on everyone?

And yourself?

Oh, shut up.

She met him at church.

You met me at church.

Hands.

I didn't even realize how lonely I was, or how long it had been since a man touched me like that.

Well, loneliness is a terrible thing.

I'm still a woman, you know.

Yes, I know.

And now your father sees me, like god sees me.

He knows everything.

I'm so ashamed.

You didn't do it to hurt anybody.

You were lonely.

I'm sure dad forgives you.

And god doesn't?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure he does too.

Look, it's okay.

Everybody forgives everybody for everything.

( Phone )

( Sobbing )

f*ck.

( Sobbing )

( Clanging noises )

( Continued sobbing )

If you're looking for the olives, honey, they're right here.

( Sobbing )

♪ Oh, shake, shake, shake ♪

( Male ) Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, it's easy as pie with Franklin's new leak-proof earth dispenser.

Say goodbye to soiled fingers forever.

Only from Franklin funeral supplies.

We put the fun back in funeral.

( Priest ) In the midst of life, we are in death.

Of whom may we see for succor, but of thee, O lord?

Who for our sins art justly displeased?

Thou knowest, lord, the secrets of our hearts.

Shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer but spare us lord most holy, O god, most mighty.

Oh holy and merciful savior, thou most worthy judge eternal.

Suffer us not at our last hour.

Through any pains of death to fall from thee.

In the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through almighty god we commend our brother, Nathaniel Samuel Fisher, and we commit his body to the ground.

He looks like he's salting popcorn.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

The lord bless him and keep him, the lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him.

The lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace.

Nate?

No!

I refuse to sanitize this anymore.

This is how it's done.

Yeah? Well, it's whacked.

What is this stupid salt shaker?

What is this hermetically sealed box?

This phony AstroTurf around the grave.

Jesus, David, it's like surgery.

Clean, antiseptic, business.

He was our father!

Please don't do this.

You can pump him full of chemicals, you can put makeup on him, and you can prop him up for a nap in the slumber room, but the fact remains, David, that the only father we're ever gonna have is gone!

Forever.

And that sucks.

But it's a g*dd*mn part of life and you can't really accept it without getting your hands dirty.

Well, I do accept it and I intend to honor the old bastard by letting the whole world see just how f*cked up and shitty I feel that he's dead!

Goddamnit!

Uh...

Amen.

Wait.

Let her.

( Sobbing )

( Priest ) Let us pray.

Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, forgive us our trespasses.

As we forgive those who have trespassed against us.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever, amen.

Amen!

Amen!

( Priest ) The lord be with you.

Mom, Federico’s gonna drive you back, okay?

I just need to go over a few details with Nate.

We'll be right behind you.

Put her there, Mrs. F.

You have such delicate hands, Federico.

Like a statue.

Or an illustration in an antique book.

Or one of those little ceramic hands they use to display gloves.

You want to be the Alpha dog, Nate, is that it?

Coasting toward mid-life with nothing to show for it and now you want to come back and be the rock for this family to lean on?

f*ck you.

That is not what I'm...

You want to get your hands dirty?

You sanctimonious prick, talk to me when you've had to stuff formaldehyde soaked cotton up your father's ass so he doesn't leak.

Jesus.

Yeah, well, I'm sure you just would've tossed him out with the garbage.

It may seem weird to you, but there is a reason behind everything that we do here.

We provide people with a very important and sacred service at the darkest time in their lives.

Because maybe they don't want to make a spectacle of themselves.

Because maybe they'd prefer to grieve in private.

Why?!

Why does it have to be such a secret?

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Dave, please...

You know nothing!

Nothing!

You had a responsibility to this family and you ran away from it and you left it all for me.

Whoa, don't blame me if you're not living the life you want.

That is nobody's fault but your own.

Okay, fine, just do me a favor, okay?

You got out...

Stay out.

Excuse me, Mr. Fisher, sir?

If I could just get a moment of your time.

What?

I'm from Kroehner service international.

I'd like to talk to you about the advantages of joining our family of death care facilities.

I don't believe this.

Sir, if you'd just hear me out...

We're not selling, now get the f*ck out of here.

We wouldn't change the name of the business.

And of course, we would retain you as a salaried manager.

Look, I really want to hit somebody right now and it might as well be you!

I'll call ya when you've had some time to recover from your loss.

You're really lucky, you know that?

Are you kidding?

It was over in a second.

I didn't have to be afraid of it, I didn't even have to think about it.

No more bullshit.

No more responsibility.

And no more having to care.

No more boredom!

No more waiting to die.

Hi.

Well, after four days with my family I'm ready for shock therapy.

I'm just waiting to see if my HMO covers it.

How's it going with you?

Oh, it's great, great.

My father's dead, my mom's a whore, my brother wants to k*ll me, and my sister's smoking cr*ck, I think I win.

Four days ago I was a relatively happy guy, and now, it's like I don't even know who that guy was.

I'm a f*cking mess.

If you want to know the truth.

But, I think you're already aware of that.

Well, here's my number.

If you ever want to, I don't know, go out on a real date?

You know, where you buy me dinner before I put out.

Maybe I'm one of those women that meets a man who seems emotionally conflicted, no relationship skills and I figure, "hey, that's for me."

I don't even live here, I live in Seattle.

See, that just makes you more attractive.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I also happen to be a serial r*pist.

I've got 10 nurses buried under my house.

Now you're making me wet.

Whoa, whoa.

I, I need...

I need...

It's okay, it's okay.

Good morning.

Thank god you're here.

Yeah, well, of course I'm here.

What do you want for breakfast?

Oh, I'm gonna go for a run.

I'll eat when I get back.

Nate?

Yep?

You don't have to go back to Seattle right away, do you?

Uh...

I guess not.

I could make a few calls.

Thank you.

Yeah, sure.

Just for a few days.

Okay.

♪ Waiting at the station ♪

♪ waiting for the right moves ♪

♪ waiting ♪

♪ and if you ever change your mind ♪

♪ you know I'm not hard to find ♪

♪ and if you ever need someone ♪

♪ I'll still be waiting ♪

♪ waiting with the orphans ♪

♪ waiting for the bee stings ♪

♪ they tell me that success brings ♪

♪ waiting in the high flight ♪

♪ waiting through your whole life ♪

♪ Just waiting ♪