01x09 - Life's Too Short

[bunniefuu]

( Video game playing )

( Doorbell )

Yo, whassup?

You get it?

No, I didn't get anything.

I don't know what the f*ck you're talking about.

Anthony, go play in mom's room.

Why?

Because I said so, you little sh*t, go!

Get up, come on.

You suck!

The kid's got so much major attitude.

Six years old, he's already a hard-ass.

You can get more of this stuff?

How much?

How much money do you have?

Oh, like I'm a f*cking loaded.

Hey, Bennett and I are going to that record release party tonight and then there's an after hours in Hollywood.

f*cking hate that sh*t.

It's always a bunch of like whacked out f*gg*t tweakers shoving glow sticks in your eyes.

It's at sin sin.

Great, whacked out Asian tweakers.

That club's weak, dude.

( g*nsh*t )

Anthony?

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

I gotta get outta here.

What?

I gotta get that sh*t out of here.

Oh, f*ck.

Anthony!

( Radio chatter )

Morning.

Okay...

What are you mad at me about now?

Look, I'm busy, alright?

My workload has doubled since Federico’s gone.

You can't expect me to engage you in small talk just to make you feel better.

You flunked the licensing test.

Did you think I didn't know the grades were being posted today?

I didn't.

You didn't apply yourself.

You think this is something that people do when they can't do anything else.

And therefore, it can't be that difficult.

Okay, I feel pretty bad right now.

Is it really important to make me feel worse?

I don't care what you feel.

Oh, bullshit, you like it when I feel bad because misery loves company.

How'd he die?

Heart att*ck.

Fell down a flight of stairs, dead when he hit the bottom.

His nose supposed to look like that?

Of course not.

I have to finish embalming him before I can start on anything cosmetic.

( Doorbell )

Look, I can deal with whoever it is.

Unless it's a walk-in.

I just want to point out that you are choosing to be the victim here.

I could handle an intake and you know it.

( Male ) Ladies, take up change.

And walk to the middle and back.

Alright, very good.

Very good, ladies and gentlemen.

So, we'll see you all at the same time next week, okay?

Be safe getting home.

Morning, folks.

Hi.

Hi.

( Doorbell )

Goddamnit, why hasn't anyone answered the door?

Where is mom?

Okay, if you haven't slept with that guy yet, would you start?

Because I think it would do you a world of good.

( Gasping )

Don't do that.

Do what?

Watch me like that.

I can't help it, you're beautiful.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I want to go camping again.

Then go camping.

With you.

I've got a job now, Hiram.

I can't just up and leave whenever I feel like it.

Spring is a very busy time of the year.

It's our anniversary tomorrow.

The first time we went camping was two years ago, tomorrow.

We don't have anniversaries.

I never agreed to anniversaries.

Just you and me, alone in the woods.

Naked, under the stars.

Just like it was at the beginning.

Tomorrow is such short notice.

I can't promise anything.

But I'll try.

Um...

My mom wants to know how quickly we can do this.

Ah, well, I'd suggest a viewing in two days, to allow proper restoration.

Viewing?

For friends, family.

You can make it as small or as large as you wish.

No, I can't see him in a box.

I can't.

Alright.

Ms. Dimas, seeing your son before you bury him might help you let go...

No, I don't want to see him!

Of course.

We'll arrange for a closed casket ceremony.

Will three days give you enough time?

Yeah, that's gonna be fine.

Nate will show you to the door.

Thanks.

What happened?

Six-year-old found a g*n, was playing with it.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah.

Um...

They gave me this at the hospital.

It's some sort of receipt.

I don't know if you need it, but...

What was he doing here?

Gabe.

It's okay.

Hey.

My brother just told me.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know where else to go.

My grandmother's funeral was here.

Yeah, of course.

My mom's waiting for me to unlock the car.

I thought we were supposed to encourage people to have a viewing.

Sometimes people don't want that.

Sometimes you don't want to work any harder.

When faced with the option of not having to restore a six-year-old child's head that's been blown to bits?

Yeah, I don't want to do that, do you?

It's not our job to force someone to do something they're clearly not ready to do because we think it's the right thing.

Because it will make us feel better.

Can I help you?

Roses are if you love somebody, right?

Roses are the classic choice, but other flowers could achieve the same effect.

What if you were gonna ask her to marry you?

Oh, how lovely.

Well, roses would be the perfect choice.

But she turned out to be a cheating coward and ran off with some shithead that she met in traffic school.

What color would you give a coward?

Ah...

Yellow.

Yellow.

Great, 12 dozen yellow roses sent to this address, please.

What would you like the card to say?

"f*ck you, c**t".

I think it would be more personal if you write that.

Yes.

Yes.

I have to take the day off tomorrow and Saturday.

Why?

A friend, I was supposed to have plans with a friend and I forgot.

Is it with that man?

The one with the funny little car who picks you up?

It's an electric car and it's very good for the environment.

( Laughing )

Why are you laughing?

Because you are not.

You like this man?

Can I have the days off or not?

Take, go, I don't care.

We will miss you.

Beep, beep.

( Laughing )

Brenda?

Hey, there.

I'll be right out, I just got out of the shower.

How was work?

It sucked.

Like I figured, I failed that funeral director's test.

There was this intake meeting this morning I totally f*cked up.

And I just picked up a dead six-year-old at the morgue.

All in all, it's been a pretty bad day.

Goddamnit!

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any f*cking idea what I'm doing.

It's like I made this bullshit decision to go into this business for all the wrong reasons and now it's too late.

It's never too late.

Jesus, Billy.

What, do you live here now?

No, Brenda just give me a shiatsu.

I've been kinda tense lately.

So, bad day, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I've had my share of those.

I don't doubt that.

I don't really feel like cooking, so, you guys decide what we're having delivered.

That sh*t was all over the news.

Six years old, right?

f*ck.

Some people should just not be allowed to have kids.

Hmm.

She just sat there like a ghost.

Like she'd been erased.

I felt so f*cking helpless.

God, that poor woman.

In Nigeria, there's this tribe that, when a baby dies, they throw the body into the bush.

Because they believe if buried the dead infant would offend the earth gods, which bring fertility and food.

Then there's the Chinese, that consider the death of a child "a bad death", where the parents and grandparents aren't expected to go to the funeral.

Or the Balinese mother who is counseled to remain cheerful after the death of her infant because grief makes one vulnerable to...

Illness and malevolent demons.

Well, that was informative.

Yeah, well, I thought it'd be good to read up on your boyfriend's line of work.

What a man does is...

Well, it's who he is.

Right, Nate?

Ah, yeah.

A man should know the history of his chosen profession if he expects to be anything but an amateur.

So, I'm an amateur.

I prefer the term dilettante.

And what are you, Billy?

Running around with your camera, taking pictures of other people's lives?

Boys.

You really think knowing a bunch of arcane national geographic sh*t is gonna help me cope with a six-year-old who sh*t himself in the head?

You know, there are plenty of places in the world where a kid dying is pretty common, but we can't deal with it.

Because a dead child is the greatest failure of a culture that believes it's reversed the order of nature.

This was an accident, this wasn't nature.

You know what I find interesting?

If you lose a spouse...

You're called a widow or a widower.

If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan.

But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child?

I guess that's just too f*cking awful to even have a name.

( Dance music playing )

I was worried you weren't gonna show.

No, I just got tied up at work.

Believe me, I need this, after the day I had.

This ought to help.

Oh, what is it?

"X", ecstasy.

You've never done it.

Ah, no, can't say that I have.

You're gonna love it.

Are you going to take one too?

I'm already there, let's dance.

I'm not a very good dancer.

You will be.

David, David, here, you gotta keep drinking this.

( Female ) She was only 63.

That's so young.

Isn't that young?

Mrs. Lawson, have you thought about what kind of funeral you'd like for your mother?

It has to be beautiful.

It has to be beautiful.

Well, we can offer you a wide variety of services ranging from simple to more formal.

To anything you might need.

Yes, anything at all.

( Sobbing )

It's a good thing I was there, you know?

I mean, Gabe was so wrecked.

I was the one who had to trash his weed.

Seriously, if the police found that sh*t, it'd be way worse, you know?

Hey. Hey, Andy.

How's Gabe?

He's okay, I guess.

Well, have you talked to him?

Not really.

Well, are you gonna see him later?

I don't know, it's real weird over there.

The mother's like all freaked.

Yeah, but what about Gabe?

Look, Morticia, I'm not interfering.

It's too much to get into, you know?

I thought you were his friend.

Why don't you f*ck off, bitch, huh?

Anyway, if you're so worried why don't you go f*ck him again?

Maybe that'll cheer him up.

Nice, that's nice.

Yeah.

By the way, Parker told me how one of your testicles is like freakishly small, like a peanut.

( Laughing )

( Female ) Is that true?

That's not true.

Ugh.

For later.

You have a headache, dear?

Ah, yeah, I, I thought I did.

I'm throwing in a load of laundry if you need some done.

By the way, I'm going camping with Hiram this weekend.

I'm leaving this afternoon.

Great.

I'm doing whites first.

Aw, f*ck, David.

David.

David.

David!

David!

Are you alright?

You look pale.

No, I'm fine.

Just a headache, that's all.

Okay, you're in this like, total danger zone.

Gabe Dimas is a d*ck.

I'm sorry his brother's dead, but don't think that means he's not a d*ck.

I just haven't seen him around.

So, I was worried.

You hook up with him now, it gonna be like total emotional r*pe.

Whatever he feels for you, is gonna be wrapped up in some guilt grief f*ck fest.

You better stay away from that sh*t.

I'm not kidding.

( Bell ringing )

So, you failed a test, big whoop.

You want to be helpful to the people that walk in through your front door, so, you have to be one of those people.

Okay.

I chose three funeral homes from the yellow pages at random.

I've always felt an uncontrolled sample group provides more reliable data.

You want us to pretend to be purchasing a funeral?

Look up the first address.

I think it's in Sherman Oaks.

Come on, it'll be fun.

( Doorbell )

( Knocking )

Hello?

Gabe?

Is anybody home?

Oh, Mrs. Dimas, I'm sorry.

The door was open.

Is Gabe around?

We can still leave.

Why, what are you afraid of?

Uh, humiliating myself?

Wasting someone's valuable time.

Don't be so left-brained.

( Door closing )

( Sobbing )

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Now...

How can I help?

It's my parents.

They were k*lled this morning...

In an accident.

I'm terribly sorry.

It was a...

A helicopter.

It went down, there was an expl*si*n.

Oh, god, I can't do this.

It's not right.

They were in the prime of their lives.

Everybody dies, we all die, everything we ever care about will disappear, so, what's the f*cking point of living?!

Ah...

Can I suggest matching caskets?

That's it?

That's what you have to offer me in my time of grief, merchandise?

We have nothing to learn here.

Water purifier, rope...

Bear bell, flashlight, toilet paper and yes, it's biodegradable, bird caller, binoculars...

Ruth, I'm sure you have everything.

In fact, I know you have everything.

You always do.

It wouldn't be much fun to get all the way up there and realize we forgot the matches, now, would it?

Or...

The champagne.

Hiram, that's just decadent.

Was it expensive?

We shouldn't waste it.

Waste it?

It's our anniversary.

Claire, you're home early.

You remember Hiram.

Hi.

How was school?

I have a headache.

Hiram and I are going camping.

Your dinner's in the refrigerator and I'll be back tomorrow.

It's a very beautiful time of the year.

Okay, well, you two have fun.

We should probably leave if we want to b*at the rush hour traffic.

Ruth?

Honey, what's wrong?

My children don't need me anymore.

Let's think of this as a...

Celebration of your uncle's life.

Now, the titan is an excellent choice for a distinguished gentleman.

It's solid mahogany, it's hand-finished.

Burlwood and nickel accents.

And grace field...

Grace field is a lovely place for interment.

It's serene, it's pastoral.

How much?

After you sign the contract, we take care of everything.

There's no worry.

There's no pain.

How...

Much?

It comes to just under $20,000.

( Laughing )

You're charging $12,000 for the titan?

What is that, like a 300% markup?

I could come down to 10.

And grace field is in between a power station and a freeway.

There are nicer cemeteries.

But they're just a little bit more expensive.

Ah, no thanks.

We'll try and find somewhere that doesn't just want to swindle us.

Nice tie.

This business is a total racket.

What business isn't?

Sometimes I wish I could be this...

Completely selfish assh*le that didn't give a sh*t about anything.

I could just work at some mindless job that paid me a f*ck-load of money.

No, you don't.

It would make my life a lot easier.

You don't want your life to be easy.

( Horn )

Gabe?

Hi.

I didn't know if anybody was home.

Did you ring the bell?

I just came by to drop off this stuff.

Okay.

It's my brother's soccer clothes.

I thought that he might like to get buried in them.

You think that's okay?

Yeah.

I think that's really nice.

I went to your house.

You see my mom?

Yeah.

Like a zombie, huh?

Just sits there.

I don't know why she blames herself.

It's my fault, I k*lled him.

Gabe, no, it was an accident.

It wouldn't have happened if I'd been watching him.

My mom can't even find Anthony's dad to tell him what happened.

Probably moved.

We haven't seen him in like two years.

That sucks.

Nah, he's a f*cking drunken dipshit.

Used to kick my ass all the time just to prove that he could.

You know when people would call you those things like cemetery girl and vampira?

Yeah.

I never thought that was funny.

I should go.

Would you just...

Make sure your brother gets these?

Of course.

Hey, look, if you need anything, like to talk or something...

You can call me.

Alright.

Where do you want to hang the food?

Can't it wait 'til after dinner?

I've already taken out what we're going to eat.

I'd rather not risk it.

Well, I'm sorry it's inconvenient.

But would you prefer we were mauled in our sleep by bears?

Ruth?

You need to relax.

Hello, I'm Rosemary, how can I help you?

Uh, hi.

I need to make arrangements for a funeral.

Alright.

My wife's in the restroom.

She'll be out in a minute.

Fine.

Can I ask who the funeral is for?

It's for me.

Bet you don't get too many people shopping for their own funeral.

It happens.

Most people who know they're going to die want to have a say.

Planning it together with your husband could be a meaningful process for you both.

Is it cancer?

Yeah.

It's everywhere.

Liver now.

Brenda.

My husband hates me doing this.

He wants me to spend this time doing things I always dreamed of but never gave myself permission...

( coughing )

Pardon me.

The coughing blood and pissing needles thing kind of gets in the way.

He just wants you to be happy.

He just doesn't want me to die.

Okay, it's just too f*cked up, I can't do it, I can't.

He's not ready.

It's hard for him.

Probably harder than it is for you.

That was like maybe the most f*cked up thing you've ever done to me.

Sorry.

That was like the sh*t you pull on those doctors in the Charlotte book.

Just to get a f*cking rise out of them.

What's next, you're gonna start barking at me?

I might, if you don't stop yelling at me.

What you did just now was not funny!

Well, it wasn't meant to be.

You counsel people about death every day, Nate, when death is what you're most afraid of.

What's wrong with this picture?

Of course I'm afraid of it.

What sane person isn't?

I'm not.

Yeah, well, I said, "what sane person?"

( Barking )

( Laughing )

( Phone )

Hello.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing, I just...

I just wanted to talk to somebody.

Aw.

What are you doing tonight?

I don't know, what are you doing?

You.

( Banging noise )

sh*t, f*ck!

sh*t.

What are you looking for?

Aspirin.

I know there was a bottle of aspirin in here.

Yeah, I took some earlier.

You did, are you okay?

Yeah, why?

You found it, didn't you?

You found it and kept it for yourself.

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

You're wearing my shirt.

( Horn )

f*ck!

What is this like a date?

Uh, sort of.

No way, you're dating the square dancing guy?

Weird.

Weird why?

No, I get it, he's hot.

In a kind of generic banana republic kind of way.

Claire, I really need that aspirin bottle.

David, I really don't have it.

What was in there?

He gave me some pills and now I'm gonna have to say, "sorry, I lost them, "because I'm this old guy geek and I'm completely uncool

"in this world in which you seem to thrive, you perfect distillation of human evolution."

Okay, is this split personality thing like something that happens when mom goes out of town?

Because I like you like this way better.

( Horn )

Dinner was delicious.

Food just tastes better outdoors.

You remember what we ate the first time we went camping?

No.

Pork chops with fire-roasted vegetables.

Oh, yes.

The sky was so clear that night.

Just like tonight.

Did you know you're not supposed to go camping if you're menstruating?

What?

It's true.

My husband buried a young woman once.

She went on a camping trip, she was menstruating and a bear smelled the blood and k*lled her in her sleeping bag.

k*lled one of her friends, too.

But we only buried her.

Not the friend.

Huh.

I'm glad we're seeing each other again.

Mm-hmm, me too.

It's nice.

What's wrong?

I've got a little bit of a headache.

I'm sorry I forgot those pills.

That's no big deal.

You can be my drug tonight.

So, what's with the guy who's been staring at you since we got here?

sh*t.

That's Keith.

We dated.

He's pretty hot.

You guys still friends?

Ah, not really.

Why not? I'm friends with my exes.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

He's coming over.

Is he into three-ways?

Look, he's a cop, so don't mention the dr*gs or anything.

Sure, dad.

David.

Keith, hi, how's it going?

Good, it's going good.

This is the last place I'd ever expect to see you.

Yeah, well, it was Kurt's idea.

Kurt, this is Keith.

Hey.

Hi.

Kurt teaches square dancing.

I tried to get David to go dancing with me the whole time we were together.

Told me he didn't even like to dance.

Thanks.

Eddie, this is David, and...

Kurt, hi.

Hi.

So, how'd you guys meet?

Eddie's an EMT.

We met on the job.

Newlyweds in a car crash.

He saved the bride right in front of me.

What about the groom?

Didn't make it.

Wow, so, the bride had eternity with the man she loved right in front of her and then you go and save her and she ends up left behind alone.

( Laughing )

That's one way of looking at it.

Well, it's good to see you.

Yeah, nice meeting you.

You too.

Well, of course he's dating Mr. f*cking super guy E.R.

I bet they have great sex.

I mean with the uniforms and all.

You know, I dated a cop once, total control freak.

Now, firemen on the other hand...

Is dating like an excuse for you to figure out who you wanna be when you grow up?

I don't know.

Is dating like an excuse for you to see who you wished you'd been when you were my age?

( Snoring )

( Techno music )

Let's get out of here.

Why?

( Moaning )

David, wait, David.

Who was that?

Just a guy I know.

He wants to go home with us.

I don't think so.

David, come on, you'll love him.

I promise, he's a total f*ck machine.

I said no.

Why not?

Why are you taking this so seriously?

Because I'm a serious guy.

I Bury people for a living.

Well, that sh*t's in your head.

Yeah, you're right, that sh*t is in my head.

Look, go, have fun.

I'm just too...

I'm sorry that I can't...

I'm sorry, bye.

You really spooked me, Bren'.

What?

The idea of me dying?

Well, yeah.

I will die someday.

We die, Nate.

We all die.

Hello.

( Clock ticking )

You certainly took your sweet time getting here.

You'll ruin that shirt.

Ah, who cares.

What, you're hitting on me now?

Two guys aren't enough for you, you slut?

Oh, dear.

I suppose I owe you an apology.

Why? I'm dead.

Yes, but I was seeing Hiram before you...

I was gone long before I d*ed.

You'd like Hiram, he's kind, he makes me laugh.

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

I got my money on the florist.

Oh, heavens no, Nathaniel, the man is a complete savage.

Ooh, ding, ding, ding.

Oh, god.

This is the hearse that was always stalling, isn't it?

Remember after that funeral in Malibu for that jazz musician?

We broke down on the side of porch and we made love in the back.

If this baby could talk, huh?

Nathaniel, what happened to us?

We were so in love once.

Life happened to us.

I buried hundreds of people and we watched each other grow old.

But, we're not old.

Well, technically speaking, I'm as old as I'm ever gonna get.

We were such children when we met, then we watched those children disappear.

Dammit, stalled again.

It won't go forward. It won't go back.

Well, these can't be helping.

No tears.

I miss what we had.

So, find it again.

( Humming )

What a beautiful day.

You should have woken me up.

I thought you could use the sleep after the night we had.

You've never been that passionate with me before.

Thank you for a wonderful night.

Last night?

You were spectacular.

( Laughing )

What?

Do I just sit anywhere?

Wherever you'd like.

( Clearing throat )

Nice suit.

Thank you, I bought it last week.

I figured you need more than one suit if you're gonna be a funeral director.

You need to pass a test first.

You just can't let go of that, can you?

I failed the first time I took it.

You did not.

Oh, yes, I did.

I f*ck up a lot more than you might think.

I f*ck up a lot.

Hey.

Hi.

How are you holding up?

Okay, I guess.

It's just weird.

Why are you being so nice to me?

You little bastard!

Sam, we didn't think you'd show.

Stop it!

I ought to k*ll you, you useless f*ck.

Okay, everybody calm down.

Probably wasted out of your mind, whacking off!

Let my kid sh**t himself.

You're gonna blame him?

Where the f*ck were you for the past two years?!

Alright, just take it easy.

Everything alright?

Yeah.

Don't worry about it, I'll deal with it.

Thank you.

Who the f*ck was that little bitch out there?

That's my sister.

You should warn her.

Gabriel has been a f*ck-up his whole life.

When I used to lived there, he used to drive his mother nuts with all the sh*t that he'd do.

Staying out all night.

No f*cking responsibility.

That's my kid who's dead.

I know.

It was my g*n.

I bought it for Vickie.

I was gonna leave for a while, you know, go up north for a job.

Make some extra money.

How could he let something like this happen?

It's not right.

It's just not f*cking right!

Jesus, he was six!

Everybody dies.

Some of us live to be 100, some of us never make it through our first day.

That's just a f*cking fact of nature, pal.

Who the f*ck do you think you are?

You can punch as many people as you want.

It's not gonna change the fact that boy is dead.

And your chance to be in his life is over.

Did you use that time well, or did you just piss it away?

And your own f*cking life is a ticking clock, too.

Everybody's is.

Mom, you're home, I was worried.

Worried, why?

Ah...

Did you have a good time?

Oh, David, you must go camping.

It's so spectacular up there right now.

Spring is such a full time.

So much color, so much detail.

And the smells.

It's like nothing else.

And you're okay?

No sickness, no headaches?

Oh, no.

I had one on the trip, but I took some aspirin and it just disappeared.

Yes, well, aspirin is damn good stuff.

How was the service?

There was a fight that broke out, but I let Nate take care of it.

I'm glad you boys are working so well together now.

Claire, you look terrible.

Are you not feeling well?

I'm just a little wrecked.

We buried my friend's brother today.

He's your friend?

I had no idea.

Yeah.

He's the foot guy.

Oh, my god.

Goodnight.

There's so much you wish you could protect your children from.

'Night, mom.

'Night, dear.

( Sobbing )