05x11 - The Goldberg Girls

[bunniefuu]

Ah, the ' s, the golden
age of TV theme songs.

Seemed like every show
had a tune you couldn't

get out of your head, but the catchiest

was "The Golden Girls", a
show about four saucy seniors

enjoying their twilight years.

When they came on, you
couldn't help but sing along.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪

♪ Boom boom boom ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ And invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached would say ♪

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Good song, great ladies.

Oh, Blanche!

[Laughs]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was January , -something

and winter break was
going great for Erica.

She was sleeping in, chilling out,

and still falling for her
boyfriend, Geoff... hard.

[Grunts]

What the hell?! Ugh!

Good morning, clumsy pants!

What?! The hell?!

It's day of our winter break.

I wanted to surprise you
with something special.

- How did you even get in here?!
- Love finds a way.

Also there's a basement
window that doesn't lock.

Dude, you've done something
special every single day!

Aww, you noticed!

Oh, I've noticed.

The flowers, the mix tapes,

the Mariachi band that
was really nice at first

and then they overstayed their welcome.

Okay, well, did you ever think
that I do all this to compensate

for what you do, which is nothing.

I'm on winter break! I'm
supposed to do nothing!

I'm just saying, it would be nice

if you went all out
for me once in a while.

Where are my rose petals and mariachis

who play three songs too many?

Look, you know that
I love you and stuff,

so what more do you need?

- [Whispering] White horses.
- What?

- White horses...
- What?

[Normal voice] White horses?

Get them, try it.

Okay, I don't know what you're saying,

but don't count on it.

[Groans]

Why the hell are my
stairs covered in garbage?

That was all Geoff.

Yeah, he threw a bunch
of wildly dangerous

rose petals all over
the place. Which I adore!

This isn't a damn botanical garden.

Go get a broom, Schwartz.

I see where you get it from.

[Music playing]

Is he going to go get a broom or what?

While Erica turned a
cold shoulder to love,

my mom was warming her heart
with her favorite TV gal pals.

Shmoops. "The Golden Girls" are on.

Come sit.

We'll watch and picture how we'll spend

our golden years together.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Do you actually think you
and I are going to share

a house when we're old?

No. [Chuckles]

Barry and Erica will be there, too.

Oh, balls!

We need to find you three nice ladies

to keep you occupied.

Adam, stop with the panicking.

I've got plenty of friends.

Let's make a specific list
so we're all on the same page.

Oh, I got it. Virginia Kremp.

Good. Just name two more.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, there's my friend
from Jazzercise. Um...

She sounds incredible!

She's got the headband and the thingy...

Definitely lifelong friend material!

What is her name?

We don't need names!
Just like lifelong friend.

Essie Karp! That's it.

Wow, I really lost touch with her.

Oh, focus on the positive.

All we need is one more.

This will be part of
the big Bevolution, then.

I need to find a life outside
of my little snuggle bugs.

Looking for a posse, eh?

You've come to the right place.

Yes! Barry's rudely butting
in like he always does.

It's your lucky day,
'cause I happen to command

the greatest friend
group ever assembled...

The JTP!

- JTP!
- Oh, that's fun.

You say three letters to them

and they always scream them back at you.

And with my help, you
can have that, too.

All you got to do is
make sure you pick friends

that have a specific role in the group.

Ooh, like my beloved Golden Girls.

Yes, for instance,
I'm the Dorothy,

the strong, masculine leader
who keeps everyone in line.

Oh, you are my handsome Bea Arthur.

And Andy here is our Sophia,
the tiny, adorable spitfire.

No filter, yo.

Naturally, Naked Rob is our Blanche...

the sensual one, free with his body.

My parents got me someone to
talk to once a week about it.

And Matt Bradley here is our Rose,

dumb as rocks and always
messing everything up.

I just treasure these friendships.

Ah! Brain freeze! Hurry!

I need my best friends to rub my head.

Oh, yes. Ahh.

This is what I want!

As Barry was feeling the
love, I was going to show

my girlfriend just how much I loved her.

What are you two doing?

Your brother's such a dork.

I surprised Jackie by
writing romantic lyrics

to music from her
favorite sci-fi movies.

["Also Sprach Zarathustra"
plays] ♪ Youuuu ♪

♪ Arrre ♪

♪ Soooo ♪

♪ Pretttty ♪

♪ And nice and cool and smart ♪

♪ And funny and strong and pretty ♪

[Music stops] Dude, that is so stupid.

And yet so adorable.

Burn!

- Wait, are you being serious?
- Don't mind her.

Her heart is a dusty
cavern, void of romance.

Wait a second, you're dad's kid, too.

So how did you not inherit
his crappy outlook on love?

'Cause I've chosen other, way better

paternal role models, like John Hughes.

The reclusive billionaire
who saved his bodily fluids?

No! That's Howard Hughes.

I'm talking about the filmmaker

who makes romantic teen movies.

That's who I model my life after.

Like, on my birthday,
Adam brought me a cake

and we sat on the dining
room table to eat it together.

"Sixteen Candles".

And on Valentine's Day, he painted

this amazing portrait of me.

"Some Kind of Wonderful".

And on our anniversary,

he showed up on a lawnmower

and we rode off into
the sunset together.

"Can't Buy Me Love".

Not a Hughes flick, but clearly
influenced by the master.

So, what?

I ride Geoff around on a mower

and he stops being
lame for a few minutes?

Kind of missing the point, but yes.

Dad, I need your stupid mower!

Now you want to mow the grass?

It's the middle of
winter! It's about to snow!

It has nothing to do with mowing!

- Then why do you need it?
- It's a whole freaking thing!

Just stop asking questions!

Oh, I'll ask questions, alright!

Dammit, I'm in college!

I shouldn't even have to ask to use

the stupid gardening equipment!

When I'm done soaking this toe,

I'm going to go in the
garage, and so help me,

if that lawnmower's missing,

it's curtains for you! Curtains!

Well, good luck catching me
with that swollen Cheeto toe!

Thanks for the love help.
This is gonna go great.

- Curtains!
- As my dad was trying to stop

Erica's romantic plan,

my mom was trying to start
some lifelong friendships.

Ginzy! Over here!

Hey! Haven't seen you
at the PTA in a while.

Oh, I know, I've been so busy,

and also I was banned for complaining

about the crappy sangria last time.

But here I am, and everyone's too afraid

to say anything to my face!

Well, we could certainly use your help.

We have a huge agenda tonight,

winter formal planning, fundraising...

Creating a tight-knit group of
friends so we don't die alone.

Think about it, Ginzy.

You and me, living it up

in a Miami bungalow like sisters.

Um, I kind of have actual sisters

that I can live with.

Well, your sisters
can [bleep] themselves.

I'm sorry, but they can.

- Okay.
- Look at me, Ginzy.

I'd rather not.

- Look at me right now.
- Mm-hmm.

It's you and me until the day you die.

Okay, okay.

There you go.

We'll be just like "The Golden Girls"

and you'll be Sophia!

What? The grumpy older one?!

Exactly! Just look at your face.

You're totally her, you goofy old bat.

[Whistle blows] Settle down, people.

PTA is in session.

First order of business, we
need a group of volunteers

to organize a senior ski trip.

Rick! I'll head up the
senior ski committee.

Virginia Kremp's in, too.

No, I don't even have a
kid in the senior class.

I just need two more volunteers.

-I can help.
-No!

Sorry, Ruben Amaro Sr.

I didn't mean to yell, but sit down.

But my son loves that trip.

And we love Ruben Amaro
Jr., Ruben Amaro Sr.,

but this committee is ladies only.

I don't think you can do that.

Ooh! Sassy.

I like the cut of your jib, Essie Karp.

You're in, you giant floozie.

I don't know how to reply to that.

And last but not least...

Linda Schwartz, you're just what I need.

Actually, I'm on two other committees.

Well, that's on you for
overextending yourself

like a big, dumb airhead. [Laughs]

Every group has one, am I right?

We're good to go, Rick. What do you say?

It's weird, Beverly. It's really weird.

Yay! We're going to be best friends!

I mean, a very good committee.

Fearing she was destined
to become an unromantic loaf

like my dad, Erica embarked on her first

grand romantic gesture.

Thanks to me, she used the
movie "Can't Buy Me Love"

to mow her way back into Geoff's heart.

Let's do this!

Turns out, wasn't as easy as it looked.

Yo, Schwartz! Open your window!

All that romantic crap is happening.

Why are you mowing my lawn?!

It's the middle of winter!

Erica: Damn it! It's stuck!

Get off my lawn!

Erica?! What are you doing?!

This is supposed to be like
that movie "Buy Me Some Love".

"Can't Buy Me Love"?!

I thought you said that
was a corny chick movie.

What's the hold up, man?

Just come down here and take
my sweet romance already.

She's not very good at this, Geoffy.

I know! Doing this stuff
just makes me feel so stupid.

That's the whole point.

You're supposed to be vulnerable

for the person you love!

Geoff! Come down and push her out!

It's fine. I got it.

♪

Oh, no! No! No! No!

My Peugeot!

Dad's Peugeot!

I am so sorry. I'll pay to fix it.

You got to order the parts from France!

It's a whole thing!

God, do you seen what
happens when you guilt me

into being romantic!

Guilt you?!

That's not what I meant.

I just wanted to hang and
relax and enjoy my winter break.

Well, you got two days
left. Enjoy them without me.

- What?
- There's a senior ski trip.

I think I'll have a better time there.

But I'm going back to college.

I won't see you for months.

Kind of seems like you need a break.

You could have just read a poem.

[Music playing]

Okay, let's review
everything I taught you

about being a bodacious
leader of a friend group.

Rule .

- Always bust balls.
- Yes!

Friendship is about
breaking down the walls

to figure out what
really bothers a person.

Rule two?

Pick a badass name for the group

and yell it as often as possible

to display a terrifying show of unity.

I chose the JTP, three
letters, but powerful.

Well, I'm looking for my Golden Girls,

so I chose Goldberg
Girls. Goldberg Girls!

Rule three?

Uh, create opportunities to bond.

May I suggest lighting your farts?

It's really brought me and
my friends a lot closer.

I was more thinking we would
bedazzle matching sweaters,

like fashionable street toughs.

Ah, very lame.

So it's perfect!

[Doorbell rings] [Chuckles]

There they are!

The fearsome foursome
is back together again.

Come in! Come in, I made cheesecake.

I'll dish while we dish.

Actually, I told my husband
that I'd be back by : ,

so maybe we should just jump right in?

I bet you'd like that, you little hussy.

But sure, let's get cracking.

Okay, I got everybody a bedazzler.

Now, tell me, what color
jewels should we use?

Jewels? For our matching
sweaters, you big slut!

Ah...

Bevy, why are you being so off putting?

Don't listen to her,
she's old and cranky.

Cough up some dust, why don't you?

[Laughs]

- What's happening?
- Classic Linda,

She's such a clueless dummy,
right, but in a good way!

Okay, why do you keep calling us names?

I am just busting balls.

That's what we do in the Goldberg Girls.

That's our cool new name, by the way.

[Laughs] Goldberg Girls!

We'll get there.

So you can buy someone love

'cause it happened in this movie,

which is super creepy and weird.

I mean, she gives up her
cool friends for the gardener?

Okay, this movie sucks.

Yep, there's no helping her.

Wow, you really are a closed off Murray.

No! I refuse to accept that.

Now, give me another cornball movie

that'll show Geoff he's
my number one fella.

Oh, you know what Adam did
for me that was amazing?

He stood on my front lawn
with a boombox over his head

- and played "In Your Eyes".
- "Say Anything".

Wait, I thought that's how you got Dana.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What's that?

- What?
- What?

- What?
- Wha--

Did you recycle that movie on me?

- Pardon?
- Wait, I was wrong.

It wasn't his first love, Dana,

it was you, the new one.

- Stop talking.
- The better one.

- Stop talking.
- Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

I have a past, too, Ruben Amaro Jr.

Yeah, he's going to Stanford
on a baseball scholarship.

I have to go.

My, God, lady!

Next time you need help
with love, go somewhere else!

I didn't mean to drag you down with me!

- But you did!
- I know! I'm sorry!

Okay, I can win Jackie back.

Just need some fresh
romantic movie material.

Wait, "Short Circuit"! That's romantic.

It's really not.

And so I called upon

my trusty action
figures for inspiration.

Oh, "Weekend at Bernie's"! That's it!

- It's not.
- "Road House".

- Eh.
- "Interspace".

- No!
- "Taxi Driver"?

Seriously, no!

- Mac and Me?
- Stop!

- "Krull."
- I don't even know what that is!

- "Halloween!"
- How many toys do you have?!

Disney's "Black Hole?"

At least take them out of the package

and play with them!

- Beastie Droids!
- That's not even a movie.

Wait, "The Highlander,"

there's a tiny love story
before all the swordfighting.

Sure, why not.

It's not going to work.

- I know.
- "Buck Rogers?"

Good news, JTP.

The fourteen layer dip I made

for the Goldberg Girls is up for grabs.

- What happened?
- Linda got whooping cough,

Essie got pink eye, and Ginzy got both.

Please. Sounds highly unlikely.

Okay, what are you implying?

We're not implying,

we're saying they stone-cold dissed you.

Also, I saw them all at the school.

Okay, we're talking about
the Goldberg Girls here.

You boys are dead wrong.

Nope. They were meeting Coach
Mellor about the ski trip.

Well, that's a kick in
the downstairs stuff!

This is the classic friend
diss, like the time I only had

three tickets to the Eagles game

and told Matthew we all
got stuck in an elevator.

- What?
- Do you mind,

I'm helping my mom here.

They're meeting without
you, just like we all met

for ribs after the Eagles game.

Stop telling him about
our special day, dude!

I'm trying to be cool about
this, but it's getting hard.

It's not always about you, Matt Bradley!

And don't be a Matt Bradley.

Be the Barry and take charge.

[Music playing]

I'd say your best exercise, pre-skiing,

is probably the wall sit.

Now, the wall is just
there, just keeps you honest.

Well, well.

If it isn't the Goldberg Girls,

minus the Goldberg.

Beverly, great news!

Our pink eye and our scurvy cleared up!

It was whooping cough, and save it.

Look, we didn't want
to hurt your feelings,

but the ski trip is tomorrow,

and we still have a ton of work to do.

Skip it, Linda.

And to think I wanted to
live with the three of you

in a beautiful Miami bungalow

with wicker furniture and
bright floral patterns.

Is that what this is about?

You forcing us to be your Golden Girls?

Well, I don't know about
"forcing", but maybe "tricking".

How about we do neither and plan
a ski trip like normal people?

She's right. I just don't have
time to be a Goldberg Girl.

But I thought we could travel
down the road and back again.

My heart is true.

Your pals and my confidants.

I don't even know you.

Essie, if you threw a party

and invited everyone you knew...

Yeah, we all know the theme song.

...you would see the biggest
gift would be from me.

And do you know what the
card attached would say?

- "Thank you for being a friend"?
- Exactly.

Bev, we all have families
and millions of things to do.

We just don't have time for friends.

Good luck with your ski trip.

Alright, anyway, back
to what I was saying.

So, you want to use the
wall for a wall sit, okay?

Hold this position for
at least half an hour.

The Goldberg Girls may
have iced out my mom,

but Barry was ready
to crush fresh powder

on the senior ski trip.

Alright, me and the JTP
are off to the slopes.

Check the news for an
avalanche, 'cause Big Tasty's

going to hit that mountain hard.

Well, have fun with your friends.

At least one of us will.

You okay?

What happened to your
stupid Goldberg ladies club?

They're busy moms. There's
no room for friends.

My mom's posse had abandoned her,

which offended Barry to his core.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi. Is your mom home?

Your kind is not welcome
in my home. So b*at it!

No, no, I'm here. I'm
here. What's wrong?

There is a huge snowstorm upstate.

All the roads are closed.

And so is this conversation.

No one disrespects my mama!

You're all a bunch of garbage!

Hey, Barry, dial it back a little bit.

Bevy, we are really
sorry for excluding you,

but you are the only
one who can help us!

Put a sock in it, Kremp!

We both saw this day coming.

Come on! Hit me! Free punch!
Right there! Right there!

He's sweet defending you,
but this isn't about us.

It's okay. He's just a little riled up.

Yeah, I am! Come get some, Ginzy!

Maybe we should come back?

Maybe you should screw off

for making my precious mother so sad.

Barry, not okay.

Go in the yard and clomp it off.

Fine!

The school canceled the senior ski trip.

We don't know what to do.

The whole class is heading
to the bus right now,

and they are going to be heartbroken.

No hearts are gonna break today,

not if our ski committee
has anything to say about it.

Okay, we've got tons to
do and no time to do it.

Ginz, hit the bakery, get
hot chocolate and doughnuts.

Linda, call Principal Ball,
tell him to unlock the school

so we can access the cafeteria.

Essie, hit the Baederwood Market.

We need a dolly, wax paper,

- and white zin!
- On it!

This is going to be the
best non-ski ski trip

the world has ever seen!

Listen up and settle down!

The trip is off. There's
nothing we can do.

But I've been waiting four
years for this ski trip.

It's very disappointing.

[Wheels screeching, horn honking]

♪

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪

Look, it's four hot moms.

♪ And if you threw a party ♪

♪ Invited everyone you knew ♪

- ♪ You would see the biggest gift ♪
- Step aside, Mellor.

These kids won't be denied
their special memory.

Not on our watch.

♪ Thank you for being
a friend ♪ [Cheering]

That night, my mom's ski committee

waxed up some lunch trays
and gave the senior class

- a night they'd never forget.
- ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Turns out, all it takes
to have a legendary weekend

is friends at your side,

no matter what the weather brings.

- Hey.
- Don't "hey" me.

- You saw the mower?
- I saw the mower.

This is your fault! I'm you!

I'm stubborn and irritable

and don't like talking
about my feelings.

[Voice breaking] And now
I'm going back to school

and I don't even get
to say goodbye to Geoff.

Alright, I'm going to tell you something

that I've never told anyone before.

When I was your age,

I stood outside of your mom's window

and I read her a poem that I wrote,

about her beautiful emerald eyes.

Point is, if you're really like me,

then there's a little
romantic in you, too.

And just like all those romantic movies

Erica hated to watch,

she found herself
running through the night

to stop her one true love
from getting on a bus.

Unfortunately, it was long gone.

But as fate would have it,
she still had the chance

to speak from her heart.

- Erica?
- Geoff!

Okay, what's going on? Why are you here?

Listen, I am never going
to be the kind of girl

that covers stairs with flowers

or stands on your lawn with a boombox.

But you need to know, really know,

that I love you more than anything.

And I wish that I could put how I feel

into some kind of amazing,
romantic gesture, but I can't.

Well, that's a pretty good start.

[Music playing]

Truth is, the people
you love don't always act

like they do on TV or in the movies.

In real life, it's about
weathering the storm together

and learning to laugh
when things get tough.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ I wanna thank you ♪

- In the end that's the greatest
- ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

... thank you for being a friend.

You know, we really do make

one heck of a ski committee, huh?

- Yeah.
- [Laughs]

You know what, I think we could make

a pretty damn good group of friends.

What are you saying...?

We're saying after this,
we should find a restaurant

that has cheesecake on the menu.

- And white zin!
- Essie, you are such a Blanche!

I really am!

[Laughter]

To the Goldberg Girls.

All: The Goldberg Girls!

Oh, my God, this white
zin is to die for.

And I have a coupon!

Oh, you guys, look over there.

So cute, right?

Oh, I hope that's us when we're old.

Did that lady just call us "old"?

Some people are just so
[bleep] rude these days.

Oy, this white zin is to die for.

And I have a coupon!

[Laughter]

[Music playing]

_

This is the kind of
friendship where we just laugh.

Barry kept saying, "I wish
Mrs. Kremp was my mother".

And I'd say, "Good.

Go across the street and live there".

Beverly is definitely our Dorothy.

The leader of the group,
I'd say, probably is Bev.

She's the one with the big
mouth that, you know, takes over.

Could Beverly have ever been a lawyer?

Are you kidding me?

Beverly could definitely
have been a lawyer.

No one argues like me.

She has a brain like nobody else's

I have ever seen in my life.

What are you doing? [Bleep]

Did we bleep that?
Yeah. Let's bleep that.