05x16 - The Scrunchie Rule

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam:
Who can forget the gruff,

no-nonsense gym teachers
of the ' s?

They were true
athletic authorities

who demanded respect
and ruled our lives

with an iron whistle.

None more than

William Penn Academy's
Coach Mellor.

Well, aren't you
a tall glass of Gatorade?

Go get 'em, Ricky!

[ Whistle blows ]

After a great deal

of legal wrangling,

I am excited introduce
a new unit --

full-contact Red Rover.

- Oh!
- Ugh!

Did I hear somebody say
"full-contact"?

But like clockwork,
my smother would always save me

from the dangers
of physical movement.

I forced Principal Ball
to give me an advanced copy

of all your units,

and my baby is not doing
anything full contact.

It's all very embarrassing,
but so worth it.

It sure was -- till one fateful
day when everything changed.

Today, we will be climbing
the celebrated gym rope.

Fear not. This inch and a half
of blue cushion

will probably break
your fall.

Goldfarb, kick us off.

Sorry, Coach.

My old lady likes to keep
all this on safe ground.

She'll be here
in three, two, one...

Mama!

Face it, Goldfarb --
she's a no-show.

Time to let the rope
get to know every part of you.

Thing is, my mom's
doing this whole Bevolution

to reinvent herself

and kind of dropped the ball
on her schmoopie.

[ Whistle blows ]
Move!

For the very first time,
I was Momless

and had to face
the infamous rope on my own.

And like many gym scrubs
before me, I sucked real bad.

Coach believes in you,
kiddo!

Dig down deep!
Failure is not --

And he's coming down!

[ All gasp ]

I'm alive!

[ Groaning ]
Oh, no.

Coach, you okay?

Pain is just weakness
leaving the body.

Now, make room for me
to acrobatically

leap to my feet
like a jungle cat.

S-S-Should I call
Nurse Steve?

No need!
Just a tiny sprain!

It is not a tiny sprain!

I've ruptured my C vertebra.

As a result, I can no longer
aggressively sneeze

or use my full head
to properly whistle.

Man, I feel like this is kinda
partially my fault, Coach.

Oh, it is % your fault.

And as such, I will unfairly
put you on a dodgeball team

with a bunch
of weak-armed scrubs

so you get yours.

Game on!

Ah!

Let me just grab
a couple ball...

[ Laughter ]
Who did that?!

[ Laughter stops ]
Who laughed at me?!

Admit it! I can't turn my head,
so I couldn't see.

You will not laugh at Coach!

You will respect your
sports leader --

Aah!
[ All gasp ]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

Adult Adam:
It was March st, -something,

the week my sister hit an
important college milestone --

growing to hate her roommate.

And the tipping point...

a box of chewy fruit snacks.

Have you seen
my Shark Bites?

I've seen no Shark Bites.

Weird, because, um,
when I went to class,

my Shark Bites were here.

And now, my Shark Bites
are gone!

Are you, like, suggesting
I ate your Shark Bites?

Oh, I'm saying
you ate my Shark Bites.

You owe me Shark Bites!

And you owe me half a Taco Bell
taco I left out last night!

So, you admit it.

Oh, I admit it.

I ate them all.

And my tummy
is super jacked up,

but it was worth it
to even the score.

I will eat everything
you own!

Aah!

- Stop it!
- No!

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Yep. Living on top of each
other finally got to them.

[ Trumpet playing off-key ]

Really?!

It's for class,
so... suck it.

You know, I'm getting
really tired

of how crazy passive aggressive
you are!

Me? You purposely
didn't refill the ice tray.

I couldn't because somebody
made it all crusty

from the jello sh*ts
that she made in it.

I have no memory
of that entire night,

so I win this argument.

Did you?

No! My special ice tray!

And things went from bad
to worse when Erica came home

to a scrunchie on the door.

Back before texting, this
message meant your roommate

had romantic company,
so go away.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!

Um, hello!
Scrunchie on the door.

Just open up.
I'm exhausted.

Oh, I'd love to help you,

but I'm entertaining Hector.

He plays the flute.

I don't want to know
Hector facts.

I want to sleep in my own bed.

I'm sorry, but it's
the scrunchie rule.

Go sleep in the common room
with the other loveless losers.

Byeee!

Wait! The only space in there
is next to the leaky microwave!

Then go home!

Byeeee!

[ Door closes ]

With no bed to sleep in,

that's just what my sister did.

Such bull crap.

I used to be best friends
with my roommate,

and now we fight over who left
the cap off the toothpaste.

- It was you, huh?
- It was obviously me,

- but that's not the point.
- Okay, I think I may have a solution.

When I went to visit
my cousin at UCLA,

I found out that there's
one thing that overrules

the scrunchie --
an out-of-town guest.

I mean, you can't make a visitor
sleep in the common room.

- That's just rude.
- And it's perfect.

All I need is
an out-of-town guest, and I win!

How 'bout a foxy one

who no longer needs
his asthma nebulizer

because he went through
a yearlong course of sh*ts

for dust mites?

That was supposed to
sound cooler than it did.

Gah!

These CDs are impossible
to open!

Yes, Barry! Come back to
college with me this weekend!

- Him?
- He's the awful answer

to my problems.

You know how you always

annoy me on purpose
and drive me crazy?

It is my greatest joy in life.
Which reminds me...

Hyah!
[ Can clatters ]

Yes!
You are the worst!

Can you channel that
hateful, abrasive energy

at my roommate
and drive her away?

Child's play, but my skills
don't come cheap.

See to it.

Sure, I'll get crackin'
on this while you pack.

Sucker!

What about me? I can be
mildly irritating sometimes.

Oh, well,
if you want to help,

you can open this
because it's impossible.

Okay, fine, but I'm --
I'm not gonna clean up

the soda that Barry spilled.

I'm just gonna blot it,
okay?!

Just in case anyone slips
and hurts themselves.

I'm off to Dave Kim's. He just
got Super Mario Bros. .

So, chances are,
I'm coming home Sunday night

with some wicked Nintendo thumb.

Enjoy your Italian game,
schmoopaloo.

Ooh, Mom, could you
do me a solid

and whip up some
of our lemon loaf?

Check your backpack.

No!
A fresh one for Coach Mellor.

He got hurt pretty bad,

and it's sorta my fault
'cause I fell off a rope,

which is sorta your fault,
'cause you didn't bail me out.

That's on me. I was just
trying to improve my life

by reading a book
on boundaries.

Did you know I love you
too much?

Does this goodbye feel
too long to you guys, too?

Well, enjoy the house
all to yourselves.

[ Door closes ]

You know, he's right.

All my squishy-tushes
are gone for the weekend.

Listen to that.
What do you hear?

Just your loud breathing.

You know, it weirdly sounds
both wet and dry.

Exactly.

No kids to ask me for money

or touch the thermostat.

No one to feed or clothe or
tickle their backs to sleep...

Which is a good thing.

It's why you got
the whole Bevformation.

Bevolution.
And you're right.

I-I need to accept the fact
that soon I will have

no one to take care of.

Look at me. I promise.

When our kids leave, I will
never, ever wash a dish.

That's my gift to you.

With little prospects at home,

my mom decided the best
prospect for mothering

was elsewhere.

Oh, hi.
Welcome to Mellor Manor.

I heard you weren't
feeling great,

so I whipped up
a healing lemon loaf.

Bring it in.
Bring it in.

I can't wait to mash that up
and drink it through a straw.

Where are my manners?
[ Chuckles ]

Do you want some coffee
and cheese?

Oh, my God, Rick,
are you okay?

I'm tip top!

Aside from the fact that
I gotta sleep standing up

and I can't
take this shirt off.

Isn't there someone
who can take care of you?

I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.

Aside from washing, eating,
and opening damn cheese!

You are coming home
with me.

I could never intrude
like that.

Oh, intrude away.

My house is empty and lifeless
this weekend.

It's no bother.

You think you could pack
a bag for me?

I have limited range
of motion.

Also, I'm so scared
to be alone.

I can't tell you
how badly

I needed to hear that
just now.

As my mom found a replacement
for her children,

my sister found the solution
to get back at her roommate.

Hey, bad news. Me and Hector
saw "Roadhouse,"

so it's for sure another
scrunchie night,

'cause, you know, Swayze.
[ Chuckles ]

Save it for your hair
because I have my own guest

from out of town.

That's me!

- Ooh!
- Hey!

My super cute outfits!

Sorry. I need a place for my
Drakkar Noir line of shampoos,

soaps, shaving creams,
and of course... cologne.

Oh, no. It smells like
the boys' cabin at Camp Ramah

before the Shabbat social!

I guess the bad news
is for you,

because he's staying
the whole weekend,

which means you go.

I'll grab the rest of
your colognes

and ninja weaponry
from the car.

Ugh! How did you live with
your sister for so long?

I was a baby for the first part,
so I don't remember anything.

But once I was able to
form memories, it got awful.

So, I get it.
She used to be so cool.

- And now, she's --
- Not cool!

Totally.
She, like...

- Sucks.
- ...sucks.

[ Scoffs ]

What?

Did we just finish
each other's...

- Sentences?
- ...sentences?

[ Both gasp ]

Wow! We did it again!

Your Drakkar suddenly
smells good to me.

My sweat... activates it.

Awesome.

[ Pounding on door ]

'Sup?

Open up!

Can't.

Your roomie has company.

- You?!
- Me.

- Eww!
- Yeah.

Erica, you cannot scrunchie
my disgusting out-of-town guest!

That is against the rules!

♪ I just wanna use your love
tonight ♪

And turn off
that sexy mixtape!

Geoff made me that tape!
Not to mention -- Eww!

Adult Adam:
Meanwhile, my mom

was making Coach
feel right at home.

Holy cheesy seafood!

Your shrimp Parm is
the Super Bowl of all meals.

Easy, sweetie. Your getting
sauce all over your white shirt.

Here, put on
this clean one.

Oh! Oh, it's still warm
from the dryer!

Finish up 'cause I got
Push Pops for dessert.

Push Pops? Score!

Ow! I'm okay.

- Hey, Bevie! Hey, Bar.
- Hey, Mr. G.

This isn't our moron.

This is a grown man
with a neck brace.

Good eye.

Literally the first weekend
that our kids are gone,

you're already
replacing them?

Please. I'm not trying
to replace anybody.

He's eating all my food

and wearing Barry's
dumb orange shirt.

[ Mumbles ]
Your face is dumb.

- What?
- Nothing.

Don't listen to him.

Why don't you run upstairs
to your room,

and I'll bring you
your Push Pop later, okay?

Cherry. Don't forget.

Bevie, this is insane.
Wh-what are you doing?

Oh, stop. I'm just helping
a coach in need.

I changed my mind.
I want grape.

Where are you going?

To fix this!

[ Stammering ] Yeah, well,
now, you know what?

I-I want strawberry.
No! Wait.

I don't know.
Surprise me.

But anything but orange.

With Coach Mellor
living under our roof,

my mom was excited
to be smothering again.

Hope you're hungry
for some noodle kugel

and a smoked fish medley.

No dinner for Coach.
I got a mutiny below deck.

Did you make today?
Did you make poo-poos?

Any poo-poos? 'Cause that's
poison in the body, you know.

Suppose Coach
could use some prunes.

Mm.

Great news!
I solved everything!

You're welcome.

Oh, yes, my dad went big.

He brought in Coach Rick's
massive older brother,

Coach Nick.

Wait.
This is your big idea, Murray?

You try to fix things
by calling his actual family?!

Right, I'm the crazy one.

Look, the last thing I need

is for my brother
to take care of me.

You wouldn't say that
if you tried my soup!

Boys, stop.
I see what's happening here.

Coach Rick has a hurt neck,

but Coach Nick's heart
is in a lot more pain.

Whatever.
Doesn't matter.

No, in this house,
our feelings matter.

I feel they both
should go.

Shh. Talk to your little
brother, Coach Nick.

Use your words.

When you didn't ask for
my help, it made me sad.

'Cause, you know, my love
for you is big as my pecs.

That's, like, the biggest love
a man can have.

Well, that's gotta make you
feel special, Coach Rick.

Maybe special enough to
share your feelings?

Well...

it's like my neck
is so jacked up,

I can't even blow my whistle.

Bro, you never been
so real to me before.

I guess it's my turn
to get even realer.

I don't have a home.

Oh, boy.
Kathleen kicked me out

'cause I didn't notice
she changed her hair.

My God, Coach Nick,
where have you been staying?

At the gym -- I sleep
on the weight bench

and use a kettle bell
as a pillow.

You can stay with me in my
junior single condo, brother.

With one tiny bed?

No, no. You're both
staying here for the weekend.

I won't take "no"
for an answer.

Oh, boy.

Rick, why don't you
show Nick

where Erica's room is?

She has a keyboard.
It's awesome.

I can play
Axel Foley's theme!

Hah!

Hey, no running, boys.

You do realize that
you're replacing our children

- with grown men?
- Stop.

They're simply sleeping
in their rooms,

wearing their clothes,
and playing with their toys.

Now, if ya don't mind,

I need to get some prunes
into our son's gym coach.

Even though my dad failed

at getting rid
of his unwanted guests,

Erica had a plan
to get rid of hers.

- What the hell?
- Bup-bup!

, ...

First of all [gags]

Second of all, I hope
you'll enjoy brushing

her greasy mane
in the common room

because that's where you
both will be tonight.

I don't think so.

Your brother is now
my out-of-town guest,

and he's not
going anywhere.

Oh, well, that's a shame
because I called in

a new out-of-town guest.

- Barry?!
- Lainey-love!

- Who is she?
- Who are you?

Lainey, my sucky roommate.

Sucky roommate,
this is my best friend,

who is also the love
of Barry's life.

Was.
Seems like he moved on.

Babe,
she means nothing to me.

[ Scoffs ]
Hey, when I say "nothing,"

I meant everything.

Don't even!

My sister was right
about you!

Hey, sis,
got you a sweet comb.

Don't try to make nice
with me, traitor.

Lainey's my new
out-of-town guest,

which means both of you,
b*at it.

So, I just sat on a stinky bus
for six hours

to be used like some pawn
in your battle

with your roommate,
who's now apparently

your brother's new girlfriend?

And it's fun
to get together.

♪ I just want to use your love
tonight ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

No? Not working?

♪ I don't want to lose
your love tonight ♪

You? No?

You? Last chance.
Okay.

[ Music stops ]

Dad! I got your message

and rode Dave Kim's sister's
bike the whole way here.

What's the emergency?

Go snuggle your mother.

I thought this was serious.

It is!
Your mom's in a bad place,

and the only thing that'll
snap her out of it

is her delicious little
snuggle monster.

- What?
- You'll always be your mother's baby.

Now go let her
smell your head.

[ Keyboard playing ]

♪ My brother's... ♪

Damn it.

♪ My name is Nick ♪

Hey, I'm not ready
to share this yet.

Dad...

Your mom's going through
some stuff.

What do we do?

You know what to do.

Ugh.

Mama! I need you!

Schmoopie! You're home!

I came home...
'cause I missed you.

And I got scawwed.

[ Babbling ] Uhh, will you
give me sniffies on my head?

I am gonna sniff the [bleep]
out of your head!

Mama G! Good news,
my tummy's feeling way better.

I made real good.

[ Chuckling ]
That is fantastic!

Oh, my God,
what have I done?

Can you guys pipe down a bit?
I'm working on my music!

[ Door closes ]
What have I done?

[ Beeping ]

Did I say
you could use that?

Sorry. Just preparing
a little something

for my out-of-town guest.

He may be peckish
from his travels.

Geoff??

Ah!
There's my guest now!

Come, join me in the kitchen
for some heated water.

They're being real uppity
about sharing actual food.

You misplayed this one,
douche lord!

Geoff will clearly be
my out-of-town guest,

which means all of you
need to get out!

No! You had your chance to
make me your out-of-town guest,

but you chose Barry.
And then Lainey.

Hey, Lainey.
How you been?

- Not great. You?
- Pretty good.

Well, then, since Geoff
remains my out-of-town guest,

all you ladies must leave...

unless Lainey wants to stay.

- I don't.
- What about Erica?

- Nope.
- Then it's settled!

Me and Geoff will stay in
this room that's not ours.

Have a taste
of the chef's special.

The secret's the heat.

No! I don't want to be
your guest either!

You only asked me here
to piss off your sister

for inviting your ex.

Fine!
If you won't take my side,

then I'll call in
someone who will!

JT...P? JT...P?
JT...P? JT...P?

Uh, Bar?
We just drove three hours.

You said there was a sick
college rager going on.

Did I say "rager"?

Pretty sure I said
"angry standoff in a dorm room."

Dude, I missed my nana's
birthday for this.

Yeah, man.
This is the worst thing

- you and Geoff have ever done.
- What?!

I told him it was your idea.
You get it.

Also seems like a good time
to say

I still have feelings for you.

It may be the worst time.

Okay, Lainey's not on board.

What's he talking about?

He's talking about
overriding the scrunchie rule,

which is what I'm gonna do.

♪

What the hell?

I was promised Neil Peart
from Rush would be here.

Oh, look, there's Barry
from school.

Hi, it's Carla.
That's Carla from school.

Enough. I'm telling
the RA you're the worst roommate

on the planet
and you gotta go.

Not if I tell him that
you're worser and you gotta go!

♪

Srini, open up!

My roommate's a monster

who refuses to cap
the toothpaste!

She ate my Shark Bites!
The world is her pantry!

So, if anyone's out,
it's her.

Actually, you're both out.

Geoff,
don't you scrunchie that door!

I'm sorry, but you guys
have been best friends all year

and all of the out-of-town
guests agree

that you need to grow up
and work it out.

Best friends?! She's just
some random girl

picked from hat
to live with me.

It's madness.

Strangers shouldn't be forced
to sleep four feet apart!

♪

Wow.
That's all I am to you,

some random stranger?

That's not what I meant.

No, I get it.

You win.

Take the stupid room.

♪

Adult Adam: Realizing she had
swapped out her kids

with coaches, my mom knew it
was time to call the game.

Hot damn! Smells like Mama G's
cookin' up a storm in here!

Well, I figured it
would be nice to send you off

with full bellies.

Send us off?
Did we do something wrong?

It's my fault, huh?
I ate all your apples.

No, you've both been
very well behaved

large and double-extra-large
house guests.

It's just that,
at some point,

it's time to leave
the nest.

It's so cruel and lonely
out there.

And you have pillows here.

My big brave boys
are ready to go.

[ The Outfield's "Your Love"
plays again ]

I mean, look at you, Rick,
with your...

♪ Josie's on a vacation
far away ♪

...being clean now
and, uh, Nick with your...

♪ Come around
and talk it over ♪

♪ So many things that
I wanna say ♪

...music.

- You think?
- I know!

Now spread your wings
and fly!

♪ You know I like my girls
a little bit older ♪

Look out, world!
Here come the Mellor boys!

Now grab your snackies.
♪ I just wanna use your love tonight ♪

Oh, um, actually, you know,
neither one of us drove...

- She said fly!
- [ Sighs ]

♪ I don't wanna lose your love tonight ♪
So much for the Bevolution.

It's the first weekend ever
without our kids,

and I completely lost
my mind.

Well, we still have a few more
years to ease into it.

And what am I gonna do
when they all leave for good?

Honestly, it's gonna be awful
for the both of us.

Please.
For the last four years...

...all you've talked about is
how you want them all to leave

so you can have
some peace and quiet.

Bevie,
you know I hate change...

...but it's easier for me
to say, "I want them out"

than to admit I love
our crazy, loud family.

You're gonna miss 'em, huh?

Really helps to know
I'm not alone.

♪ I just wanna use your love
tonight ♪

Oh. Hey.

♪ I don't wanna lose your love
tonight ♪

[ Clears throat ]
Welcome to the common room.

It's just for the night.

Housing is getting me a new
roommate this weekend, so...

Okay, this is crazy.
You can't move out.

It's not like we're friends.

I'm just some random girl
that got picked from a hat.

Look, college has been
way harder than I thought,

but you've been the only thing
that's made it easier.

I'm sorry I ate
your Shark Bites.

I'm sorry I stole
your ice tray.

I'm sorry I played the trumpet
in your face.

I'm sorry that I lured
half my high school up here.

I'm sorry I made up Hector.

What?!

He's so not real. I just,
like, needed you to go away.

That is brilliant

- and totally something I would do!
- [ Chuckles ]

♪ As you leave me, please,
would you close the door? ♪

♪ And don't forget
what I told you ♪

Come on.
Let's get our room back

from my out-of-town guests.

No way they're letting us
back in after what we pulled.

Well... I think I have a way
to make it up to them.

♪ Another shoulder
to cry upon ♪

All: ♪ I just want to use
your love ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I don't want to lose
your love tonight ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Thank God the one thing I learned at
college is how to throw a good party.

♪ I just wanna use your love
tonight ♪

I got to admit, that six-hour
bus ride was almost worth it.

I'm so sorry, Lainey.

It's okay.
It was so good to see you.

♪ I don't wanna lose your love
tonight ♪

- And Barry, too, kinda.
- I heard that!

- She said it was kinda okay
to see me! - Cool.

This is kinda
the greatest night of my life!

[ All cheer ]
Adult Adam: Turns out,

one little scrunchie that was
meant to keep my sister away

brought everyone together.

As for my parents,
for the first time,

their future alone
didn't seem so scary.

Murray, what's all this?

Adam went back
to Dave Kim's,

so you're stuck
with just me again.

In fact, the future looked
brighter than ever.

You made me dinner.

You said you weren't even
gonna wash the dishes.

People change.

Well, don't go changing
too much.

You don't have to worry.

Sometimes, fate
can bring strangers together

in the most random of ways.

But suddenly, everything
falls into place

and that stranger
becomes family.

But no matter what
the universe has in store,

you can face
even the biggest of changes

when the people
you love most

pull up a chair and
never leave your side.

_

Hi, I'm Rick Mellor.

[ Bell dings ]
_

Just to have your name mentioned on
a TV like that was kind of crazy.

I didn't believe it when people
first started telling me about it.

I don't miss a show now.

The worst part
about the whole thing,

my neighbors think I actually
act like that when I teach.

Think you guys are ready
for the apex

of rubber-ball-based sports --
dodgeball.

Next day at school,
"Mr. Mellor, can we play dodgeball?"

So we end up start playing
dodgeball again because of the show.

When you're a phys-ed teacher,
you do stuff like that.

You have fun with the kids.
You do stuff with the kids.

The kids accuse me
of breaking their ankles.

I never did that.