05x18 - MTV Spring Break

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Goldbergs". Aired: September 2013 to present.*
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"The Goldbergs" is set in the 1980s in Jenkintown, Pennsylvania and shows the reality of the '80s from a young boy's eyes.
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05x18 - MTV Spring Break

Post by bunniefuu »

Back in the ' s,

there was no more awesome rite
of passage than Spring Break.


Thanks to MTV's infamous
week-long coverage,


every kid in America wanted to be there.

- Beastie Boys!
- MTV!


- Spring Break!
- 's!


I cannot believe I'm spending
Spring Break in sucky Jenkintown

instead of on a Fort Lauderdale
beach the way God intended.

I heard that the beer
flows like water down there.

Like, literally, you turn
the faucet on and boom! Beer!

That's 'cause all their water

is reserved for wet T-shirt contests.

The city of Fort Lauderdale

actually elected Spuds
MacKenzie as their mayor!

America's favorite party
dog is their mayor?!

How could we not be
in Florida right now?

Wait a minute, Florida. That's it!

Look! Pops sent us a postcard

from his condo complex
in Fort Lauderdale!

That's ground zero
for all the horniness!

Damn it, why didn't I
actually read his card

instead of automatically
throwing it in the garbage?

Look, Pops says his
place has a beach house

and a pool with a bar!

We had MTV Spring Break under our nose

and didn't even know it.

- We got to get there.
- True, but how?

Question, Can you cry hysterically?

Oh, for sure.

It's well established I'm
an emotional time b*mb.

Follow me.

I just miss Pops so much

that I can't stop the sad water
dripping from my eye holes.

And now I'm crying 'cause you're crying.

I miss him, too, Bar.

Wait, this gives me a fresh idea.

What if we went to visit him?

Please, Mom? Let me see
my grandpapa in Georgia?

Florida, honey.

Ugh, so swampy.

Oh, well, this is about Pops and not us.

Well, then, it's decided.

Look out, world!

The Goldbergs are going to Florida!

Oh, yes!

Erica and Barry's Spring
Break dreams were happening!


Stop! Oh, no, wait, here's Murray.

Nobody speak.

There's no way I'm
paying for all you morons

to go gallivanting around
the sub-tropics.

You weren't even in the room.
How do you know what's going on?

I heard money being spent!

Well, there is one way this trip

could cost you a fraction of the price.

Well, that's what I want to do.

That thing. Whatever her cheap idea is.

And so Erica and Barry scored
the ultimate Spring Break,


one without parents.

Spring Break is awesome!

I saw a girl wearing
a bikini on the plane!

- It was unsanitary, but she went for it.
- Damn.

We're not in Jenkintown
anymore, Goldbergs.

Welcome to Spring Break.

Whoa! A female body
inspector? Where do you train?

Wherever female bodies are.

See you fools on the beach.

Really hoping this year I get
to make out with a Beastie Boy.

Fingers crossed!

- This is gonna be so rad!
- The raddest!

Lucky for you, the party has arrived!

Spring Break!

Spring Break! Spring
Break! Spring Break!

It was Spring Break -something,

which typically meant
one thing in Jenkintown...


Damn cold front moving in.

I meant to pull out the
ol' compression socks,

keep that foot blood moving.

Know what else is good for the cold?

Mink, sable, fox. Fur in general.

Yep, back before we
cared about tiny animals,


the fur coat was coveted
by every yenta in America.


What is this? What are
you jamming in my face?

Just a luxurious coat

that shows off how much
my husband loves me.

How many coats do ya need?!

I got you that brown one with the hood.

That was eight years ago!

And so, my mom's quest
for the coat began.


It started with the subliminal messages.

Beverly deserves a fur coat to
show her how I feel and stuff.

[Snoring]

Soon, the hints got less subtle
and just became ugly demands.


For the love of God, just buy
me a stinkin' fur coat already!

Since when do you want a fur coat?

I've been dropping hints

and serving extra meaty
dishes for six months!

Well, you could've just asked.

I would've said no a long time ago.

You do know that Essie and Ginzy
and Linda all have them, right?

I don't know who those people are.

They're my best friends.

You've had dinner with them many times.

But it's fine!

I don't need a warm luxury jacket.

I'll just go out in the
cold and freeze to death.

[Gasps] [Choir music plays]

What's that?

It's a fur coat!

I know. I bought it for you.

Oh, why did you buy it for me?

'Cause I wanted to show
you how I feel and stuff.

It's a fur coat!

It's a fur coat!

It's a fur coat!

A fur coat! A fur coat!

In case it wasn't
clear, it was a fur coat.


It's a fur [bleep] coat!

Ooh, I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you!

She loved the coat and she
made sure everyone knew it.


Beverly, we're starting.

Sure you don't want
to lose the top layer?

I'm fine. Thank you.

My husband bought me a fur coat.

He does very well for himself.

It's safe to say the coat paid
off just as much for my dad.


There you go.

Rib pot pie with no peas or carrots.

It's just crust and meat!

Thank you!

Don't thank me. Thank Minky.

"You're welcome.

I was a great gift!"

And one that could help me, too.

It is a great gift!

Even though it's a sad dead animal

whose spirit still
haunts that dead pelt.

I'd like to borrow it.

Boofaloo, I love you
just as much as this coat,

but there's no way I'm
ever taking it off my body.

What if I told you there's a way

Minky can be on national television

and discussed by consistent
working actor Jack Palance?

He's in all those Westerns
and other stuff. Go on!

There's a new show called
"Ripley's Believe It or Not!"

And I have a surefire way to get on it.

But it all hinges on your
amazing, deeply upsetting coat.

Nothing would fill my friends
with more red-hot jealousy

than my coat being famous.

So it's a yes?

Not just yet. I have terms.

Giving you my prized Minky is
done only with the understanding

that I trust you as an adult.

An adult? Wow. Big step.

Go make my coat a star, Schmoo.

So, we're saying Bigfoot was
spotted in suburban Philly?

That's the beauty of the show,

it's up to them to believe it or not.

Please, no one in their right mind

would ever buy that
Sasquatch hangs near a Wawa.

Aah! Bigfoot lives among us!

Balls!

Rah! Ahhh! I've angered it!

Balls!

As my mom's pelt was pelted,

Erica and Barry were
ready to hit Spring Break.


Welcome to the Manners
of Envurrary, kiddos.

My red-hot winter retreat.

This here's our beach club.

Yeah, where is the beach?

minutes.

By car.

Which I don't own.

'Cause I can't drive.

Tell your grandkids no splashing

or running or yelling or horseplay.

That's Itzel playing cribbage.

I'm handling it, Itzel!

Try to steer clear of Itzel.

[Gags]

Sorry, the cigar smog makes me queasy.

Can we go to the pool?

It was now clear they weren't

in the Spring Break seen on MTV.

This was the grandparent
part of Florida,


filled with the oldest of farts.

Here's a knish.

- It's all they had at the snack bar.
- A knish?

A fried dough pocket
filled with potatoes and oil.

I know what a knish is.

It's the last thing I
want to eat in the sun.

We have no choice!

Let's just sit and lay low...

We can't sit.

This little footrest is
all I could find for us.

The old fart altacockers

get up at the cr*ck of
dawn to reserve chairs.

I'm not waking up at the
cr*ck of dawn for a pool chair.

We have to, Barry.

From now on, we come here at : A.M.

and sit on a chaise in the
darkness until the day starts.

Screw that!

I'll just float all day in the pool.

No. Rafts and kickboards
are against the rules.

Same goes for running, chicken fighting,

diving, and cannon-balling.

But that's my signature
entry into the water!

Hey, kiddo, we need
to talk about the rules

if you want to go swimming.

You got to wear the
required bathing cap.

No, I'm not gonna wear
a required bathing cap.

You got to wear the
required bathing cap.

Look at all that hair, Albert!

I'm handling it, Itzel!

That's all gonna end up in the filter

if she doesn't wear the
required bathing cap!

You got to wear the
required bathing cap.

- Let me help!
- Ow, ow, ow!

Okay! It's on fine!

Oh, you look great.

Like a beautiful, non-slip shower mat.

Yep, the once-promising trip to Florida

was looking like a colossal bust.

And back home, my
friends were helping me


to avoid getting busted.

- This isn't working.
- Oh, man!

We got to fix this or my
parents are gonna k*ll us!

Oh, God. I'll go get Erica.

She's in Florida on Spring Break.

Wait, my girlfriend
went to MTV Spring Break

and didn't even tell me?

Sounds like trouble in paradise.

- Dave Kim smells a door opening.
- What?

I'm not gonna hide my feelings, bro.

I'm actively rooting against you.

[Sniffs] What's that smell?

- Fire.
- Fire?

- Fire!
- [Barks]

There's fire on the coat!

I see the fire, Dave Kim!

With ninja-like reflexes,
I dealt with the blaze.


And in the process, I k*lled Minky.

I just destroyed the one thing
my mother loves more than me.

- What do I do?!
- I'd blame Lucky.

Just say that she ripped it
to shreds and then b*rned it.

Just blame Geoff.

He's not gonna be around
much after the breakup.

Here's an even crazier idea.

I don't lie or blame anyone.

But what other option is there?

I tell the truth.

I don't understand a word you're saying.

My mom gave me the coat 'cause
she finally thinks I'm an adult.

So I'll do the adult thing

and just apologize for
this awful accident.

- Honesty.
- Huh.

- Interesting.
- It's so crazy it just might work.

You have any idea how much
it cost to get a fur coat?!

You have broken the unbreakable
bond between a mother and child!

hours of me working myself
to the bone just so my wife...

I have failed as a mother for raising

such a careless,
inconsiderate little boy...

They don't seem to
appreciate the honesty idea.

They will soon.

I just got to take my lumps
and then we'll all move on.

[Murray and Beverly yelling
indistinctly] They still mad?

Very.

No more TV. No more
movies. No more Walkmans.

Gone! Gone! Tell him things, Bevy!

- Or G.I. Jims.
- She's telling you!

But I'm sure they'll start to
value my honesty any minute now.

- You never even liked Minky!
- You like making movies, right?

- Well, I'll show you a movie!
- All you ever saw was some poor,

- dead animal sewn together for my...
- Your dad driving to the bank...

Oh, sweet God, this has to stop!

Excuse me?

I am the only child in
history who did the adult thing

and took full responsibility
for my mistakes!

I get you're mad, but enough already!

Hey! We'll say when
we're done, big sh*t!

Don't you walk away from your father!

You take one more step, and it's over!

Murray! He took one more step!

Hey, mister, stop walking
or it's curtains for you!

He's still walking, Bevy!

Wrestle him to the ground.

Use your hips and groin to pin him down!

No, I'm not gonna do that. Stop!

He didn't listen when I yelled.

That's my only move as a parent.

It's as if we lost all our power.

[Door slams]

We've lost all our power.

As my parents lost
control, Barry and Erica


were trying to steer
Spring Break back on track.


Was that a hearty soup or what?

And a bottomless bowl!

Got to love that Early Bird Dinner.

Oh, yeah. That soup
was so rich and beany.

Yeah. Also, this place sucks!

The fact that you don't get it means

that this place is turning
you into one of them, man.

Stop. I'm the same Party
Pops you've always known!

If that's true, then take my hand.

Come with us, Party Pops.

Join us on the brown, sandy
beaches of Fort Lauderdale.

It'll be strange to
bring our grandfather

to an inflatable dance club,
but we'll do it together.

As a family.

Why aren't you taking my hand?

I'm sorry, but no one's going to

some ferkokte beach party at this hour!

Then where are you going?

To bed, and so should you.

It's : . The sun is right there.

This is just wrong!

Carla and Johnny Atkins

are partying poolside
with the Beastie Boys,

and we're stuck in this
geriatric nightmare.

If Pops won't let us
go to MTV Spring Break,

then we'll just have to
bring MTV Spring Break to us.

♪ No sleep till ♪

[Music played]

Time to get our hair wet.

Hells yeah. Let's break some rules.

[Music played]

- Marco! Marco!
- Polo!

[Both blowing]

[Both breathe deeply]

[Both blowing]

[Music played]

♪ No sleep till ♪

[Music played]

We got a crime in progress, Officer.

I want to go to sleep,

but some hooligans broke into the pool

and are throwing a party.

How big of a party are
we talking about, sir?

If I had to guess? kids.

On our way.

These damn punks are gonna
get what's coming to them.

Check it! I just spent
the last four hours

creating brand new punishments

to remind Adam we're in charge.

"No video games, no smiley pancakes,

no pillow forts, no acting
in school musicals"...

Strike that one. I can't deprive
the world of his brilliance.

You realize he's just gonna
say no again and walk out?

But why? Barry and Erica never did that.

'Cause they were always guilty
as hell, and they knew it.

You're right.

Adam's my perfect little snuggle
monkey who told the truth,

and we just yelled for days.

Come on. All kids are the worst.

I guarantee Adam is guilty of something.

So we just need to figure
out what he's hiding from us.

And then we bust him

and we make him feel guilty
and bad about himself!

And then he listens to us again.

I'm really excited about this plan.

It's a great plan, and
we're great parents.

We are great parents.

[Music played]

There's nothing under his mattress,

not even an M- or a switchblade.


Whoa, whoa, wait. Lock box.

Let's see what Adam's up to.

- That's not good.
- It doesn't matter.

All that matters is what's in this box.

There's a note. I can't look. Read it.

Oh, that damn honest moron.

It's actually, uh,
Father's Day gift ideas.

- Now what?
- Well, we do

exactly what Adam would.
Be adults and come clean.

We were robbed!

- What?
- Enough with the questions!

Can't you see your mom's a mess?

As I was caught in my
parents' web of lies,


a Spring Break rager was
cooking at Pop's place.


Another round of knishes coming
up because that's what I do.

Look at me!

My body's on four different chaises,

and I didn't even have to
use a towel to reserve 'em!

Freeze! Everyone down! Down!

Don't sh**t! I'm all potential!

We got a call about an
out-of-control party!

Where is everyone?

It's just me and no one else.

I swear.

[Microwave dinging]

We see you reaching for
the little microwave handle.

Come out now.

She's not coming. Send in the dogs.

No dogs! I'm here. I'm coming out.

What's in your hand? Drop it!

A knish! It's just a knish!

Sweet Mother of Mercy, I hate Florida!

Yep, it's true.

My siblings were America's
first knish bandits.


Meanwhile, I was facing
an actual crime scene.


Balls! Oh, God, oh, balls!

I can't believe we were robbed!

We really were.

Those robbers came in
and robbed us real bad.

So they found all your jewelry?

Uh, no, no.

They, uh, mostly just focused
on this room, but, uh...

they broke all your toys and
your tiny "Donkey Kong" machine.

But why?

Adam, these are bad people.

Yes. Bad people.

There's no point in trying to
figure out why they did this.

[Coins jingle] They
left my piggy bank.

It's just loose change.

And Pops' coin collection?

I think they were just
trying to send a message.

And the message is,

"Don't ask any more
questions about this crime."

We got to call the police.

No. If you call the police,

they said they'd come back and k*ll you.

- What?!
- What?

- You talked to them?
- They left a note!

Where is it? That's evidence.

It was written in blood on the wall!

I don't want to live here anymore!

You don't need to be scared.

You are a sweet boy

who wants to buy batteries for
his father for Father's Day.

Wait. How do you know

I was gonna buy batteries
for Father's Day?

The robbers said so.

It was in their blood message
scrawled above your bed.

So troubling.

It was your mother's idea.

My idea?

It was you.

You guys ransacked my room

and broke my tiny "Donkey Kong" machine

and then lied about it!

When I messed up, I told
the truth like an adult.

You'd think my parents
could do the same thing.

Exactly. We're the parents.

That means when we say you're grounded,

you don't walk out the door.

If anyone is grounded
here, it's you guys.

Now go to your room and
think about what you've done.

You think you can just go
around punishing us like...

I'm going to my room.

But not to think about what I've done!

Go!

- I can't believe this.
- [Sighs]

We were supposed to be having
the craziest week of our lives.

I know!

I was finally gonna live
out my number one dream

of riding a sea turtle.

You two are so lame.

How can anyone not love Spring Break?

Please don't tell me
that you got to party

with the Beastie Boys?

No. But I did barf
on Larry "Bud" Melman!

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

I stole a jet ski

and then I got chased by the Coast Guard

and then I crashed the
jet ski into a pier.

I'm lucky to be alive. It was so funny.

- That is funny.
- So cool.

So what'd the po-po snag you guys for?

[Chuckles]

You know, just, uh, typical
Spring Break craziness.

[Laughs]

We, um [quietly] stole a knish.

- What'd you say?
- Can't hear you, bro.

- Stole a kni...
- What?

- Enunciate!
- We stole a knish, okay?

Like, from a wet T-shirt contest?

Nope. Just a regular ol'
knish at a retirement home.

You stole from old people, dude?

That's not cool. My step-dad's old.

Goldberg and Goldberg,
you're free to go.

- Pops, thank God!
- We're saved!

You kiddos okay?

No! Some grumpy-ass altacocker
called the - on us.

Whoever ratted us out

is the lamest old fart of all the farts.

Or he's not a lame fart
at all. We don't know.

I bet you it was that putz Itzel.

It was for sure Itzel!

It was me, okay?

Why are you protecting Itzel?

I'm not! It was a mistake.

What? You called the police
on your own grandchildren?

The Pops we know would hop the fence,

crank the music, and
steal all the knishes.

Yeah, dude. What happened to that Pops?

I guess Pops moved to
Florida and you know what?

He likes it.

Sorry to be such a disappointment.

[Music played]

Hey.

Can we talk, Schmoopy-poops?

No, and don't call me that.

Look, everyone makes mistakes.

You ruined a fur coat,

we terrified you with
a deadly home invasion.

We're just not used to a kid
who's not a total lying moron.

Point is, we taught you to
be a kind, honest human being,

and you lived up to that.

I'm sorry we couldn't do the same.

Well, you guys tried to ground
me and I refused to listen.

I'm sorry.

No more apologies. It
just makes me feel worse.

Here, Mama fixed your Donkey King game.

Let's just move on.

Whoa!

What the hell is that?

M
- Money. Just normal, everyday money.

Where did you get all of this?

See.... Lucky ate your wallet.

[Stammering] No, no, no!

It was Ed McMahon! He
stopped by to tell me

I'd won the Publisher's
Clearing House Sweepstakes

and gave me a big check,

but I asked for it all in singles.

No, no! Forget all that.

I'm a stockbroker.

No, wait! A CPA.

No, wait! A male exotic dancer.

Oh, God.

I borrowed it from Dad, okay?

I didn't lend you that money!

I may have grabbed a
dollar here and there

for the past two years
to save up for a DeLorean.

You get it.

You know what? You're grounded.

You're grounded until you go to college!

You stole money from your own father?

- Go up on to your room.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I am very disappointed in
your lies and deceit, mister!

Oh, thank God! He's
been robbing us blind!

Our little baby is a thief!

He's as bad as the other morons!

Maybe even worse!

Now we have all our power back

and I can go back to
being a great mama again!

Whoo-hoo! I can yell at him again!

[Laughs] And I'm gonna
yell at him but good.

I know.

Hey! We woke up at five and
booked a shuffleboard court.

Who's ready to get hustled?

And I'm wearing a swim
cap so I don't shed

when we go for a non-splashy dip after.

Kiddo, you don't have to pretend

to like this place on my account.

Look, we're sorry for what we said.

You're not an altacocker.

Maybe I have slowed down a bit,

but I don't want to hold you back.

Go to the beach, have
your MTV Spring Break.

It's not a Spring Break without you.

[Inspirational music playing]

Come on. Take my hand.

No, I'll just get in the way.

Okay, so you eat dinner super early

and you called the SWAT team

on our two-person knish party,

but the Pops we know will
always be the life of the party.

[Music played]

I always like a good party.

♪ No sleep till ♪

Let's ride.

Whoa!

Pops, since when do you drive a Jag?

I don't. I just stole
the keys from Itzel

when he was yelling at some kids.

Now, that's the Pops I know.

And so, while they
were off breaking rules,


I was shocked to learn my world
had been put back together.


What the...?

We used the money you
took from your dad's pants

- to fix your room.
- But why?

I stole all that money from you guys.

Look, there are no real adults here.

Let's just call it even.

Are you sure you don't
want to use the money

towards another fur coat?

No coat warms me as much as you.

[Music played]

Also, a very angry young lady

threw red paint on Linda Schwartz's coat

when they were out to dinner, so...

Totally get it.

Truth is, even when you slow down,

you can still be the life of the party.

And even though Erica and Barry

didn't actually meet
the Spuds MacKenzie,


thanks to Pops, they still got

the MTV Spring Break of a lifetime.

♪ No! ♪

♪ Sleep! ♪

♪ Till Brooklyn! ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ Sleep! ♪

♪ Till Brooklyn! ♪

So, the knish incident... We
had nothing to do in the evening,

so we went to the pool,
the clubhouse there.

We were playing music.

I was hungry, so I put a
potato knish in the microwave,

and while the microwave was going,

I heard, "Freeze! Police!"

So I ducked underneath
the kitchen counter.

Five seconds later, the microwave dings,

and I hear the policeman
outside say, "Send in the dogs,"

so I slowly raised my hand up
and told them I'm right here.

You were almost in
jail because of a knish.
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