02x11 - 1-900-Crushed

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Every person in here
made a fortune before they were 20.

And you know what they
have in common with me?

Nothing. That's why
you're not in there.

No, dummy.
We have big ideas.

And big ideas make big money.

Last time you had a big idea,

I wound up with my tongue stuck
to a moving airplane.

Hey, look at this.

"Get a 900 number
and charge two bucks a call."

Look.
Now we just need a gimmick.

Oh, here's one, Lisa.

"Dear Donna, I went to a luau
with this really cute guy.

We had a really great time,
but he hasn't called since.

What should I do?
Waiting in Waikiki."

Well, maybe this
huh-babe was an oinker.

Obviously we don't have to go
to a luau to find a pig.

Why wait for him to call?

If she likes the guy,
she should ask him out.

That's exactly what
Dear Donna said.

What are you talking about?

It's amazing. Lisa and Dear Donna
always give the same advice.

Well who cares about her?
I'm hungry.

Hey, Mama, want to have
a burger with a real man?

Sure, I'll go look for one.

k*ller bees
in your pantyhose again?

Buzz off, bubba.

- See you guys later.
- See you, Slater.

- You're as good as Dear Donna.
- You really think so?

Yeah, and Dear Donna's famous.

And famous means wealthy.

And wealthy means...

(cash register rings)

I just found our gimmick --
The Lisa Line.

Hi guys. I missed you
at the game.

- Hey.
- Hi, Zack. Think quick.

How's the cutest pitcher
in seventh grade?

Zack!

You should've seen her. My little
sister pitched a no-hitter.

Actually it was a one-hitter.

I beaned a guy
who was flirting with Kelly.

Way to go, Nicki-babe.

I owe it all to you, Zack.

You taught me how to throw
that great curve.

You're terrific.

You're not only cute, but smart.
I love this kid.

I just know the prince
is going to pick me.

Dream on, girl.
The prince will pick me.

After all, I am a princess.

Forget it. I've got
the hottest moves in town.

(b*at-boxing)

♪ All rise for the dude
you've been waiting to see ♪

♪ Here comes the prince,
Prince Zachary ♪

♪ I've looked uptown, downtown
and I still seek her ♪

♪ Rapping all day
and I'm getting weaker ♪

♪ If you're not the girl I want
you can take the geek here ♪

♪ 'Cause my girlie-girl will fit
the gold sneaker! ♪

♪ Sorry Prince Zack
time to retreat ♪

♪ All of these ladies
have fat feet! ♪

♪ Before I go won't you
try on the shoe? ♪

♪ Because you never know,
it might fit you ♪

♪ Oh, Prince Zack
you're my dream come true ♪

- ♪ I love you so ♪
- ♪ And I love you too ♪

How much do you think
we're going to make off this?

I don't know, let's see.
It's about $2 a call,

five hours a day...

and seven days a week,

and...
Oh wow!

We're rich! Hey,

- we are rich!
- We are rich!

Both: We're rich! We're rich!
We're rich, we're rich, we're rich!

We're rich, we're rich, we're rich!
We're rich! Yeah!

Rich! Rich!

- Zack? Zack.
- We're rich.

Uh, Lisa. How long
you been here?

Long enough to witness
your little dweeb dance.

Now why'd you want me
to come over?

We're starting a Teen Line,
and kids will call up

and you'll give them advice.
What do you think?

That sounds great. How much
do you think we'll make?

Money? How can you
think of money

when the well-being
of your fellow students is at stake?

Get real.
I want half of everything.

- In cash.
- Okay, deal.

But no more free advice, and no one
can know we're doing this.

A Teen Line?

I would never call one of those.

Yeah, it'd be like
asking love advice

from someone who knows
nothing about the subject.

Someone like... you.

Hey baby, I haven't had any
complaints in the love department.

You haven't had
any shoppers, either.

Look, you've been on my case
for the last couple of weeks.

If you've got something
to say, then say it.

Okay, macho man, I will.

First of all, I had a really
good time at the prom,

and I was hoping
we'd go out again.

Yeah? Well, so did I.

- You never called.
- Why should I call?

- Remember, you walked me home.
- So?

So do you want to go out
Saturday night?

- Maybe.
- Maybe?

Maybe your blow-dryer
blew your brains out.

(phone rings)

(Australian accent)
Teen Line, this is Nitro.

What's your problem, mate?

My girl's upset with me 'cause
she thinks I'm not smart like her.

I ain't no dummy.

Hey, Lisa, this guy
wants his girlfriend

to appreciate the mind
he doesn't have.

- Tell him to write her a love poem.
- All right.

Hey, mate. How about you write
your little lady a love poem?

Huh...

is that one of those things
where the words rhyme?

Yeah.

I could do that.
Thanks, Nitro.

Would you ever go steady
with a guy named Moose?

Why not? You could always
hang your coat on his antlers.

Thank you for calling.

(phone rings)

Teen Line. This is The Antman.
What's bugging you?

(southern accent)
This is Princess, how y'all doing?

I'm calling for
a friend of mine.

It's Jessie.
She's got the hots for Slater.

It's just that this guy
asked her out

and they're totally different.

And she doesn't know if I should--
I mean, she should, go.

Well, opposites do attract.

Tell your friend to just relax
and have a good time.

I'll tell her.
Thanks.

(phone rings)

Teen Line. This is Nitro.
It's your two bucks, mate.

Hi, Nitro.
My name is Nicki.

Hey, it's Kelly's little sister.

(phones ring)

Hello, Nicki.
What's up?

I really, really like this guy.

The problem is, he's going out
with someone I'm kind of close to.

Well, how does
he feel about you?

- He said he loved me.
- Whoa! Hold on a sec.

Lisa, Lisa.

Not now, Zack I've got
a girl on the phone

who says she doesn't
like shopping.

Hello, Nicki?
You still there?

Yeah, what should I do?

All's fair in true love
and w*r. Go for it.

You're right, Nitro. I'm going
to tell him exactly how I feel.

Mrs. Zack Morris.

Ahem.

Hey, Nicki, is that you?

- Hi, Zack.
- Wow, hey, you look great.

You must be meeting
someone special.

Yeah, I am.
Zack...

I really, really,
want to be your girlfriend.

Uh... girlfriend?

You? Me? Us?

But Kelly.

"All's fair
in true love and w*r."

Teen Line!

No, Nicki, you've
gotten some bad advice.

- I don't think so.
- You gotta get out of here,

because Kelly meets me
after class.

Okay, I'll go. But not before
I get a goodbye kiss.

Kiss? Why don't you
wait in here? Go, go, go.

Oh, look, I've got
to tell you about Nicki.

Nicki?
Oh, what about her?

You wouldn't believe it.
She's got her first crush.

Oh, I believe it, all right.

- She won't tell me who it is.
- Oh, good.

I mean, he's probably
a great guy.

Zack, you can't know
what this means to me.

Nicki and I finally have
something we can share.

Got to jet, late for French.

I love what you've done
with your locker, Zack.

I'm ready.

Nicki, I'm begging you.
Please go now.

Not before I get my kiss.

I love you, Zack.

What a slimeball!

Ring.

Come on, ring.

Please ring, please?

Great news, Zack.
Teen Line's a hit!

Lisa solved everyone's problems.

- Great job, Lisa.
- Thank you.

- You're fired.
- Fired?

Fine. But I'm not leaving
until I get paid.

- Why should I pay you?
- Because if you don't

I'll tell everyone
you're behind the Teen Line.

Screech, pay the lady.

Gee, Zack, what'd you want
her to do? Give bad advice?

Yeah.

Hey, from now on,
we give bad advice.

People will break up, be miserable,
and call for more help.

- We'll be rich.
- (phone rings)

Watch.

(Australian accent)
Teen Line. This is Nitro.

Women are nuts.

It's Slater.

This girl's been begging me
to ask her out, right?

I finally do and she says maybe.

Maybe? Huh!
Hey, get rid of her.

Yeah, yeah, I will.
Thanks, Nitro.

That was rotten advice, Zack.

Thank you, mate.

Zack's going out
with my sister, Nicki?

Get serious.

I am serious. I saw them
the other day acting very friendly.

Well, of course they're acting
friendly, silly, they're friends.

Jessie, about our date
Saturday night?

- Yes?
- Well, forget it. It's off.

Jessie, are you okay?

Hey, Jessie. Don't be so upset,
just call the Teen Line.

Well, there's another customer.
Now, let's get a few more.

Hi, Kelly.

I gotta go help Jessie.
I'll see you tonight?

Tonight?
No, I can't.

I mean, I've got
something going.

- I'll call you tomorrow.
- Oh, okay, Zack.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

Hey, Louise. Going
to the Insect Rodeo this weekend?

No, my Moosie's gonna read me
some more of his poetry.

"The birds and the bees
in the trees

don't compare
to your knees, Louise"?

Ohhh.

I've always loved that poem.

What? You mean that's
not a Moosie original?

Screech: Huh-uh.

Hey, Louise, you like my poem?

Is that a yes?

(phone rings)

(Australian accent)
Teen Line. This is Nitro.

- Hi, Nitro. This is Kelly.
- (no accent) Kelly?

(Australian accent)
I mean, hello.

Look, I've got a problem.

I think my boyfriend's
dating my kid sister.

Really?

Yes, what should I do?

Don't do anything.
Hold on.

Please, be home.
Please, be home.

(phone rings)

- Hello?
- Yeah, Lisa. It's Zack.

Nicki's got a crush on me,
and Kelly's on the other line

and she thinks I'm dating Nicki.
What do I do?

I'm sorry, you must have
the wrong Lisa.

This is the one you fired.

Oh, no, Lisa, please.
I'll give you anything you want.

Fine. Give me all
of Teen Line's profits.

- Hey, that's robbery.
- Yeah, isn't it?

(phone rings)

All right, just hold on a sec.

Teen Line, what do you want?

- Hi, Nitro. This is Nicki again.
- Oh, no. I mean, hold on.

All right, Lisa, you win.
Nicki's on the line, too.

- Could you help?
- Calm down, Zack.

Just be honest with Kelly.

And what about Nicki?

She's young and vulnerable.
Let her down gently, got it?

Yeah, right.
Gently.

Sounds like the guy's
really hung-up on your sister

and you'd be much better off
with someone else.

Hi, it's Zack.

Look, I'm the one
running the Teen Line,

and you're the only
Kapowski I care about.

But don't tell your sister,
we should let her down gently.

Don't worry, Zack.
I won't tell Kelly.

Nicki?

(bell rings)

Where's
Mr. Manfredi?

Yeah. How can we have art class
without a teacher?

I live! Yes!

Remember, everybody,

art is unpredictable.
Anyway...

so be spontaneous, huh?

Now today we are going to create

by observing the human figure.

All:
Ooh!

Enter our models.

(applause)

I thought you said models,
not pigs.

- Who are you calling a pig?
- I call 'em like I see 'em.

Yeah.
All men are pigs.

Yeah?
Well, all women are--

- what are all women?
- More trouble than they're worth.

- Boys: Yeah!
- What do you know, scuzzbucket?

Oh, scuzzbucket.
Yes! Go with your feelings!

Go with your feelings.
Remember, everybody--

art after all is...
emotion!

Everybody live!
Free yourself, my children!

Free yourself!
Be free!

Hey, hey! What is going on here?
This is madness!

Yes! Yes!
And madness leads to greatness!

Dare to be great!

Everybody cut it out!
Stop it!

(whistles)

Now who hit me
in the head with the clay?

Jessie, can you please tell me
what's going on here?

Ask Brillo head.
He started it.

Well, Brillo head?

I mean, Slater.

Boy, am I glad Teen Line
told me to stay away from you.

What?
They told me to ask you out.

- They told me to dump you.
- They told me the same thing.

(muttering)

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Who else called this Teen Line?

Oh, we didn't need advice,
you know,

'cause we're, like, totally
together dudes, you know?

All right.
Everyone can leave.

Except for the spotlessly clean,
like, totally together dudes.

You're both behind this Teen Line,
aren't you?

You can't prove that, sir.

And even if you could,
they didn't have to listen to us.

Good one, Screech.

My school will be a happy school
by noon tomorrow, or else.

Lisa, you're looking lovelier
than ever today.

Can the sweet talk.
You're giving me a zit.

The Teen Line is a disaster because
of all the bad advice I gave.

I need your help.

Why should I help you?
I already have all your money.

I guess I got greedy
and things got out of hand.

Well, look on
the bright side, Zack,

at least you still have Kelly.

Not if Nicki has anything
to say about it.

- Nicki? What happened?
- I mixed up the calls.

You're pathetic.
All right, I'll help you.

You've got to make Nicki think
you're a disgusting creep.

- How do you mean?
- Well--

- Is she gonna help us?
- Yeah.

Great!

You think you can be
that smooth?

Okay, now let's put the past
behind us.

I mean, you guys are obviously
attracted to each other.

- But we don't agree on anything.
- That's not true.

- See?
- Okay...

but is there anyone
you'd rather disagree with?

- Jessie and Slater: No.
- There! Your first agreement.

Build on that.
Next!

Hi.

You don't look so happy.
Want to talk about it?

- No, that's all right.
- Okay.

You weren't supposed to leave!

I was going to the girls' room
to comb out my hair.

I would've been back in an hour.

I don't know what to think.

Jessie said Zack's
going out with Nicki,

Teen Line said I should dump him,
but I trust them both.

Lisa, what's a girl to do?

First, stop talking
like "The Brady Bunch."

And then, meet me
at The Max tonight?

Come on.
Here's what we're gonna do...

Lisa, are you sure
I have to dress like this?

I told you,
if anyone recognizes you,

this is not gonna work.

Just sit over there,
and pay attention.

- Okay.
- Bye.

One grape soda,
three straws, missy.

Hi.

Zack?

Oh, sorry I'm late.

That's okay.
I'd wait forever for you.

Aw...
(goofy laugh)

- Grape soda, three straws.
- Thank you.

- Three straws?
- Yeah. That's why I'm late.

You see, I'm spider sitting
for the weekend.

This is Leonard.

Ooh!
He's cute!

He is?

Well, yeah.
Leonard loves grape soda.

Wow!
(goofy laugh)

Watch.

Whoop!

Zack, I have never seen
this side of you before.

Well, see, that's why
I like you, Nicki --

- I can be the real me.
- (bubbling)

Oh--
(slurps)

Ahh.
Hey, do you like worms?

Yeah. Who doesn't?

Then I guess you know about
the Insect Rodeo this weekend?

Yeah.
I've got front-row seats.

This isn't working.

Look, Nicki,
I got to tell you something.

What is it, Zack?

- I'm in love with--
- I knew it! I knew it!

I'm in love
with your sister, Kelly.

You are?

Oh. So you dressed up like this
to turn me off?

Yeah.
Then you understand?

Yeah, I understand, all right.
I understand you're a dork

who couldn't tell
a 13-year-old girl the truth.

That is so immature.

Hey there, stud muffin.

I saw you with the little girl,
and I like your style.

Why don't we go
make a Kodak moment?

Ahem-- well, I'd like to, miss,

but I've got a great girlfriend,

and I'm a one-woman guy.

(whispers)
It's Kelly.

(instrumental theme music plays)