02x12 - Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Does everyone know their parts
in this movie?

I want it to be great.

Hey, relax, Preppie.
It's only a student film.

Quiet on the set.

All right. Now Jessie,
you're the history teacher.

The alien will come through
that door and suck out your brain.

Zack, why can't he
suck out your brain?

Because someone already did.

Very funny.
All right, places, everybody.

"Alien Invasion of Bayside" --
take one.

Cue the hideous creature.

Hi, guys.

Cut.
Wrong hideous creature.

- How's the movie going?
- Great, Mr. B.

Thanks for letting us use
the school's new camera.

Just be careful with it.

We have waited two years
to get this video equipment.

You've got my word.

That's what makes me nervous.

All right, now,
places everybody.

- Take two.
- (slate snaps)

Action!

As you know, the Battle
of Gettysburg was the turning point

of the Civil w*r.
Until that time,

the South had the North
on the run.

(sputtering)

The alien is sucking out
her brain!

Mighty fine brains.

After the Battle one of the great
speeches in history was made by...

President Pee Wee Herman.
(mimics laugh)

Our teacher's hurt.
Get the school nurse.

This is awful.
Her head's empty.

Who did this?

Don't look at me.
I'm an innocent alien bystander.

Don't trust him.
He has brain breath.

Turn your sweet little head.
I want some dessert.

Back off, bug face.
No one messes up my hair.

Ow-ww!
My tooth!

Cut, cut!
This isn't in the script.

Ooh-- when Belding
hears about this,

he's really going to be mad.

Wow. You think he cares
that much about my tooth?

Don't you understand?
I am president of the school.

My whole reputation is at stake.

I promised Mr. Belding
I'd be responsible for the camera.

Look guys, why don't we all chip in
and buy a new camera?

Great idea.
How much does it cost?

Around $1,200.

Well, I have $23.

I have $36 saved
from birthday presents.

- How about you, Lisa?
- I owe my father $112.

Then I think the best thing
to do is... blame Jessie.

Me?
How can you blame me?

That is so irresponsible,
so disloyal, so--

Oh, stop being
a "stiff pickle," okay?

This is nothing.
Here's a guy with real trouble.

A swarm of bees carried him off
to be their queen.

Say what?
What are you reading?

"The National Babbler."

It's one of those trashy papers
that makes up their own news.

Yeah, they'll print anything.

Hey, look at this.
"The Babbler" will pay $1500

for "the best picture
of an alien."

- Let me see that.
- Zack: Look at that right there.

$1500?

Guys, we could buy
a new camera with that.

I know, but where on earth
are we going to find an alien?

Jessie, what are you doing
dressed like that?

Trying to avoid Belding.

He's been asking me
for that camera all week.

- I feel so guilty.
- You shouldn't feel guilty, Jessie.

You should feel stupid.

Excuse me.
You're new here, aren't you?

Welcome to Bayside.

No comprende, señor.

Oh. You must be
an exchange student.

Si.

What's your name--
I mean, nombre?

Nombre?

Maria...
Maria Tortilla.

Beautiful name.
Nice to meet you.

- I hope you like America.
- America, si.

- Hi, Mr. Belding.
- Hey, Zack.

- Hi, Jessie.
- Jessie?

- Buenos nachos.
- Not so fast, "Miss Tortilla."

What is going on, Jessie?

What's going on?
Golly, that's a good question.

Zack, you want to answer
for "Hessie"?

Well, sir, we've just finished
our movie.

You've heard of Batman?
Jessie played "Bat-mamacita."

Good.
Then where is my camera?

Right here, sir.

I've got to hand it
to you, Preppie.

I never thought "The Babbler"
would believe Screech as an alien.

Zack Morris?

I'm looking for a Zack Morris.

I'm a Zack Morris.

Did you take this picture?

Actually, we all took it.

Then I'd like to ask you
a few questions, if you don't mind.

Oh, you must be
from the newspaper.

They said they might send
somebody to interview us.

Interview?
Oh, right, right.

The name's Thompson.

Now tell me, have you seen
the alien more than once?

I see him a lot more
than I want to.

Fascinating.

Sounds like you've had many
close encounters with the creature.

Don't remind me.

Wow.
You know, close encounters like--

like that are worth big money.

Really?
Like how much?

We'd pay $10,000
if I could meet this alien.

$10,000?

Do you mind
if we speak privately?

Not at all.
What do you want to tell me?

I meant with my friends.

You meant with your friends.

I knew that.
I'll be right over here.

Zack, whatever you're thinking,
just stop. We were lucky once.

All we have to do is convince
this guy that Screech is an alien.

- Why would he believe that?
- Because he wants to.

I mean, come on, this guy
would believe anything.

- Guys, what do we have to lose?
- Right.

For 10,000 bucks,
let's take a sh*t.

- I don't like this.
- Who cares?

Look, just trust me.
This will work, okay?

Mr. Thompson?

I think I can arrange a meeting
with you and the alien.

Wow. Here's my number.
Call me anytime.

All right.
I'll be in touch.

Eagle three,
this is Lieutenant Thompson.

We've made contact.

Hey Screech,
how'd it go at the dentist?

I had my tooth filled this morning
and now I pick up radio stations.

- Zack: You're kidding.
- Come on.

(dance music plays)

It's kind of neat.
Except when this big guy

held me up to his ear and tried
to shove a cassette in my mouth.

We've got something really
important to talk to you about.

Radio DJ:
Hello, L.A.

Does this happen all the time?

DJ:
The time is 9:00.

Just depends
on where I'm standing.

Well, let's move you.

(radio tuning, static)

- There we go.
- There, that's better.

All right now, Screech,
if we can convince "The Babbler"

that you really are an alien,
they'll pay us $10,000.

- Gee, I don't know.
- Now, Screech,

just think of what you can do
with your share.

I could buy a new tractor
for my ant farm.

Then you'll do it?

I'll have to let you know later.

I've got to drop this doctor's note
off at Mr. Belding's office.

All right, well meet us
at lunch, okay?

Announcer: For country eatin'
there's no beatin'

Billy Joe Bob's House O' Possum.

Let me get this straight -- you're
a lieutenant in the Air Force?

- Where's your uniform?
- It's under my suit.

I'm working undercover.
(laughs)

It's a little Air Force humor.

Dale Thompson,
UFO Investigation Unit.

Bad spot for that.

I'll get 'em.
It's okay. It's okay.

I'm here to investigate
an alien sighting.

You really believe there are
people here from other planets?

Well, they have to be somewhere.

Lieutenant, I think you're wasting
your time here at Bayside.

The only flying saucers here
are in the school cafeteria.

Then there have been sightings?

That was a joke, Lieutenant,
like food fights, kids--

Oh, a joke?
That's very--

I'm new on the job, Mr. Belding.
I have to check out everything.

Besides, one of your students
claims to have made contact.

What student?

Zack Morris.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, I got it.

I'll just put it over here.
Zack Morris, huh?

Listen the only thing "alien"
to Zack Morris is good behavior.

Why don't I just
show you his file?

You know, maybe
I better hold onto this.

Please.
I've got two hands.

I'll look through this material.
Fascinating stuff.

Trust me, there's nothing
unusual going on at Bayside.

Except perhaps you.

- (intercom buzzes)
- Mr. Belding?

- Yes?
- Please report to the gym.

The water polo team
has a horse in the pool again.

Thank you.

Kids love horseplay.

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

(knocking)

Hi. I'm looking
for Mr. Belding.

He just left.

I'll just leave this note
on his desk.

Pilot: Wind, three-five pressure.
Ready to land. We are coming in.

What was that?

Ground control:
Come in, vector-niner-zebra--

Wait a minute.

Who, or should I say
what, are you?

Zack: Come on, Screech.
Don't worry about it.

It'll be easy to convince
Mr. Thompson you're from space.

I don't know if I can do that.

Screech, we're all going
to be there to help you.

- Jessie: Yeah.
- Zack: That's right.

Just for insurance, I asked Max
to show you a few tricks.

I think I can teach you
how to act like an alien.

You remember Mork,
from "Mork and Mindy"?

He had a strange way
of drinking.

Lisa, could I have
some of your milk?

- Whoa!
- All right!

(burps)
Excuse me.

Screech: That's great, Max.
Do some more.

This one's from my Uncle Martin.
He's "My Favorite Martian."

This one will convince anyone.

This is all great, Max,
but we have to make

this reporter believe
that Screech is an alien.

The best illusions are created
in the mind of the beholder.

Here's what we can do...

Zack:
This way, Mr. Thompson.

This is where we usually
see the alien.

I still don't understand why
an alien would appear at a school.

Maybe he wants to take English
as a second language.

(electronic whirr)

Hey, I heard those same noises
the last time,

just before the alien appeared.

Telekinesis. A sure sign
of a close encounter.

Mr. Thompson,
that's him.

That's it.
That's the alien.

Amazing.
Another lifeform.

He likes you.

Mr. Thompson,
I wouldn't get too close.

Oh, I have to. This is a once
in a lifetime opportunity.

Greetings.
I come here in peace.

Greetings back.
I came in my mother's car.

- I mean, my mothership.
- He speaks our language.

It must be
instantaneous translation.

Yeah, I have an ear for human.

- (antenna clatters)
- (Screech gasps)

I think it's time for the alien
to return to his planet now.

Wait a minute.
Something weird's going on here.

That's what close encounters
are all about, sir.

Now about that $10,000 check...

if he's an alien, I'm from Mars.

- I'll take an out-of-state check.
- Who are you?

News anchor: This is Biff Logan
with the nightly news.

I've heard that mouth before.

You're that weird kid I saw
in the principal's office.

All right, what is going on here?

Hey everyone. Come on out.
The game's over.

You saw right through us.

So this was all just
some teenage prank?

Who do you think
you're fooling, kid?

For one thing, I'm not a kid.

I'm tired of pretending I'm one
of you ugly humans all these years.

Screech, what are you
talking about?

I'm not Screech.
I'm "Zorch."

He really is an alien.

This explains so much.

This is truly
an historic occasion.

Even when I thought it was real
and sensed it was a prank,

I really still sensed
it was real.

Once we get the alien
to Washington, we'll have to see

- about getting you kids a medal.
- And $10,000, right?

Well, that'd be up
to the government, son.

I'm Lieutenant Thompson,
Special Agent, UFO Division.

- You're with the government?
- That's right.

I'm taking the alien
in for tests.

- Tests?
- What kind of tests?

We'll know more about our new
little friend once we dissect him.

Dissect?
Yikes!

(keystrokes clattering)

Hey, Screech.

How about turning off the light
and finishing it another day?

There might not be another day.
I'm writing my will.

Oh-hh!

After I'm gone, make sure Lisa
gets my reptile collection.

It'll ease her pain.

Look, will you relax?

By noontime tomorrow I'll have
this all straightened out, okay?

Now can we go to sleep now?

I got to say my prayers.

Dear "Big Guy in the Sky,"

It's "The Screecher" again.

Well, I guess I'm gonna be
seeing you real soon.

If I have to go to heaven,
can Zack come with me?

The first day in a new place is hard
when you don't know anybody.

Amen.

- Let's turn in!
- Thank you.

Hey Screech,

you really want me to go
to heaven with you?

Of course. You're my best friend.
I'd really miss you.

Thanks, Screech.

Zack?

Yeah?

Do they wear underwear
in heaven?

(high-pitched chuckle)

Let me get this straight,
Lieutenant,

you think Screech Powers
is an alien?

He's the most bizarre
creature I've ever seen.

That's true, but it doesn't mean
he's from outer space.

Are you questioning
my expertise?

Or are you just covering up?

Aliens never travel alone,
you know.

Let me see those ears, mister.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Let go!

You know, maybe
you should just leave.

You're disrupting my school,
and frankly you're bugging me.

Okay, Belding.

You're messing
with the federal government here.

And Uncle Sam can get pretty crabby
with a guy like you.

Produce that alien by 3:00
and that's an order, mister.

(door closes)

Forgot my hat.

- You really think this'll work?
- Have I ever let you down, sir?

I wish you hadn't said that.

Well, Belding, I'm glad to see
you came to your senses.

- Now where's my alien?
- He'll be beaming in momentarily.

- (Lockers bang)
- Screech: I'm here!

Come on out, Screech.
The lieutenant is waiting.

Well, I see he's back to wearing
that strange-looking human mask.

Hey, the strange-looking
part is me.

All right, you might have
fooled me once before,

but this time
you're coming with me.

Are you sure you have
the right alien, Lieutenant?

What's going on?

What is this, a joke?

Like you said, Lieutenant,
"aliens never travel alone."

That's right. Looks like
if you're going to take one...

You're going to have
to take us all.

I'm not really an alien,
Lieutenant.

I just used this to fool you.

Well that's not very honest.

Neither is telling a bunch of kids
you're from a newspaper.

- Zack: That's right.
- Students: Yeah!

I knew I should have listened
to my mother and become a doctor.

I guess we won't be
seeing him for a while.

We might be seeing him
sooner than we had hoped, sir.

These are his car keys.

- Zack!
- It was a backup plan.

I couldn't let him
take away my buddy.

Hey, you realize
this is the first time

we've been on the same side
on anything?

- That's right.
- We should team up more often.

(together)
Mmm-- I don't think so.

(instrumental theme music plays)