03x05 - Operation Zack

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low in my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

There he is. Come on, the basketball rally
starts in a few minutes. Let's go!

I can't think basketball
until I finish this take-home test.

You've got to be there,
you're the captain.

Don't worry, I'm sending
somebody else in my place.

Call me Air Zack.

"Air Nerd" is more like it.

Come on, Zack, we don't want
to get booed at our own rally.

Zack, wasn't this math
take-home test due last Friday?

Yeah, but I told Mr. Dewey
my house b*rned down.

Simple -- no home, no take-home.

Lisa, where is your cheerleading
outfit? We have to go to the rally.

I'm not going to the rally because
my mother the "doctor" agrees

with my father the "doctor" that
I should volunteer as a candystriper.

You got a job painting stripes
on candy canes?

What's with the blonde wig?

Is there a Swedish
Dork convention in town?

Lisa, helping other people
is a beautiful selfless act.

Ugh, now you sound
like my mother.

She says volunteering at the hospital will
make me a "better person."

If you want to be a better person,
you can start by taking my algebra test.

Zack: Okay team,
make room for the coach.

Time for the pre-game pep talk.
Gather around here, men.

Okay... this is
the championship game.

Wait a minute. That's it?

That's the whole pep talk?

Oh yeah... win, too.

Excuse me, Coach. May I interject
a few inspirational words?

Why? I've already
got them pumped.

Guys...

I don't want to talk to you
about basketball.

Then why are you bothering us?

I want to talk to you
about life.

Men, basketball
is a metaphor for life.

Well, the basket: our goal.

The ball:
our hopes and dreams.

The backboard is a chance to rebound
from those missed opportunities.

Hey, Mr. B,
what about lay-up drills?

- Lay-up drills could be, uh--
- Sir, we've got to do lay-up drills.

The game is going to start.

Oh! Well, then to sum up,
let's go do it!

(cheering)

- One more thing--
- (Zack groans)

- Preppie, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. I got it.

(Zack cries out)
No! I can't.

Somebody go get the nurse!
Go, go.

- (door bangs)
- Ow, Screech!

Heads up! Look out!
Lady with a baby!

Screech, slow down. X-ray is supposed
to be around here somewhere.

Wow, Lisa is here. She must have hurt
herself at the candy striping factory.

What are you guys doing here--?
What happened to Zack!?

It was just a little accident.

See, Zack and I, well, we just
kind of bumped into each other.

- During the game?
- No, in the locker room.

I twisted my knee.

Don't say another word until we talk
to my Uncle Shyster the lawyer.

By this time next year
you'll own Bayside.

- Lisa, we're looking for X-ray.
- X-ray is right through there.

Thank goodness.
Screech, let Lisa take over now!

No way!
I don't do wheelchairs.

Screech, roll Zack through that door,
I'll get my mother.

You just better hope he lives.

(screams)

Sorry, Zack.

PA announcement:
Dr. Carrow, surgery please.

Zack!
You're alive?

You're alive!
(tearfully)

Mom, is Zack going
to be all right?

Yes, but I'm afraid
he's really hurt his knee.

I'd like to keep him overnight
so we can run some tests.

Oh, Zack that's awful.
Won't you be scared?

No, I think I'll manage.

(Zack groans)

Lisa, I think you have
other work to do.

Oh yes, I just can't wait to get back
to re-tipping those crutches.

Young lady, we are not here
just to have fun.

Now after you check Zack in,

run up to pediatrics
and help change diapers.

Oh, then see if you can
find Mrs. Fikes' false teeth.

Why do I have to do all that work
when this place

is full of people lying around
doing nothing?

Because it's time for you
to learn some responsibility.

We'll see you later, okay?

- Goodbye, Mr. Belding.
- Goodbye, you guys.

- Bye.
- See you, Lisa.

This is all my fault.

Zack, is there anything
that I can do?

- Uh... yeah. You can call my mom.
- I already did.

I'll go wait for her
in the parking lot.

And if there's anything else,
you just name it.

Oh sure, try and smooth
things over with the plaintiff.

You know, sir... I am sort of
struggling with my math take-home test,

and I'd hate to fail it
because of a recent accident.

It was no accident.

It's obvious to everyone
you never liked him.

- That's not true.
- Well, prove it. Do the math.

Uh, sure, Zack.
I'll take care of it.

- Okay.
- Anything else?

You can take
my French test tomorrow.

- I never took French.
- And you call yourself a principal.

All right.

Kelly: Zack, is there
anything else I can do for you?

Books, magazines, videotapes?

How about a broccoli slurpee?

Uh... no thanks.
I got everything I need. Thank you.

So, who's going to tell me
about the game?

Slater, why don't you
give him the good news?

I didn't want
to bum you out, Preppie,

- but we lost by a point.
- (groans)

I had the ball with three seconds left.
Then Belding starts yelling,

"sh**t your hopes and dreams."

By the time I realized
he meant the ball

the game was over.

We ought to sue him
for that, too.

- (woman groans)
- What was that?

Probably some poor person
in terrible pain.

It's Lisa.

She looks exhausted.
Her hair's a mess.

All I have to say is my children
better be born potty-trained.

- How's my favorite patient?
- Oh, fine, Monique.

Except for that pesky cramp
in my lower neck.

You're not sick,
you're dangerous.

- But I'll take the risk.
- (Zack sighs)

You know... my neck has
been cramping up a lot lately.

- Feel better?
- Perfect.

Keep her around
in case you choke on a bone.

(bell rings)

Sorry guys,
visiting hours are over.

We'll be back tomorrow
right after school, okay?

All right, Screech,
let's rock and roll.

See you later, Zack.

(Lisa gasps)

Thanks, Monique,
that's much better.

But I'm sure it will cramp up
again later. Say around... 9:00?

You're faster than a guy
with two good legs.

Hey, Zack.

Well, I have some news for you.

- How's my knee?
- Your knee is going to be fine.

- Great.
- Yep. You'll be out of here soon,

which should
disappoint a few nurses.

- So, can I go home tomorrow?
- Well, not that soon.

You tore some cartilage,
and the only way to fix it

- is with surgery.
- Surgery?

You mean you're going
to cut me open?

It's just a small incision
right behind the knee here.

A few weeks, you'll be fine.

Hey, it might even
improve your jumpshot.

- Now get some rest, okay?
- All right.

(scoffs)
Rest? How can I rest?

They're going to hack Zack.

Hi, Screech.
More coffee, Mr. B?

Oh, thank goodness. Kelly, what do
you know about advanced algebra?

I know enough
not to take the course.

Boy, am I glad
you guys are here.

Guys, Lisa has some
big news about Zack.

My mom says she'll have
to operate on his knee.

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

This is not my fault!

Tell it to the judge.

Belding:
This is awful.

I am going to go visit Zack.

We all chipped in
and bought you this.

It's an electronic black book,
for all those nurses' phone numbers.

All right.

We want you to know
that we love you, okay?

Yeah, and we hope you don't die.

Screech, come on. It's just
knee surgery. I'm not that worried.

Besides, this happens to be
the best hospital in Los Angeles.

That's what my Uncle Morrie said.
He got his tonsils out here once,

and he liked it so much
he stayed until his funeral.

An operation is not
the end of the world.

Everybody has to go through it
sometime, right?

But why did it have
to happen to Zack?

Kelly, come on.
I'll be fine.

I just want you to be okay.

Ahh, we need some cheering up.
Let's watch some TV.

Oh no. Screech that's the--!
(Zack yells)

My leg!

You pushed the wrong button.
This button controls the TV.

(Zack shouts)

Please! Would you stop helping?
You're going to k*ll me.

Yeah, why don't we leave
and let Zack rest?

Oh, that's a good idea.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.

- Take it easy, guy.
- I know you'll be all right -- I hope.

(Zack sighs)

(tearfully)
Goodbye, Zack.

Here's my lucky frog's foot.

If anything happens to you,
I'll get it back from the morgue.

Oh, will you get out of here,
you dork?

Zack, you've got
nothing to fear.

My mom is great with the Kn*fe.

Bye.

Yeah, I have nothing
to worry about, right?

(sighs)
All I need is a good night's sleep.

(harp playing)

Hey, Screech.
What are you doing here?

I'm not Screech.
I'm your Guardian angel Skippy.

But you look
just like my friend Screech.

Up there we all look like this.
Soon you'll look like me too.

Aw, you're kidding...
right?

No. Now let's hit
that big highway to the sky.

- Where are we going?
- To Heaven.

Since there are two of us,
we can take the carpool lane.

First, I have to sprinkle you
with this heavenly "dork dust."

(chimes ring)

Wait a minute.

Hey, can't I at least see
my friends one last time?

Well, okay, but I'm not
making any toilet stops.

(organ playing)

(humming funeral march)

- Hey, what's going on?
- It's a ceremony in your honor.

Hey, guys! I'm here.

- (crying)
- Hey, guys.

Mr. Belding?

Jeez, can't anybody hear me?

You can't talk to them, Zack.
You can only listen.

See, you're dead... extinct...
gone-- pfft, nap-oo. You get it?

Now play by the rules, or I'll
make you look like that Belding guy.

It's so sad
now that Zack's gone.

He was a great friend, and the only guy I
ever let climb in my window.

I always had
a secret crush on Zack.

If only I could've
kissed him just once.

Well, hey. I'm here.
I'm here, kiss me.

Hey, uh, uh, uh!
No kissing the living.

(crying)

Nerd #1:
We'll miss you, Zack.

You were one cool dude
for a non-nerd.

Nerd #2:
I'll never forget him.

He gave the best noogies.

(tearfully)
Z-A-C-K,

since he's gone
the sky turned gray.

He hurt his knee,
went under the Kn*fe,

who'd have thought
he'd lose his life?

Yay. Rah.
(sobbing)

Well, Zack... now that you're gone
we're retiring your jersey.

No one will ever wear
your number again at Bayside.

See you around, pal.

(crowd bawling)

It is now time...

to dedicate this locker...

to Zack's memory.

And to lock it up one last time.

(wailing)

Stop! Halt!
And quit it, even.

- Who's that?
- That's Screech, my best friend.

- Known him my whole life.
- Pretty handsome dude.

I won't let you
close Zack's locker.

Not without me inside.

- I'm going with him.
- No, no, Screech, little buddy.

- You can't go in there.
- (Screech whimpers)

Where he's gone,
you can't follow.

Shows what
that big doofus knows.

(all keening)

No!

That's it.
No surgery for this guy.

I'm outta here.

(groaning)

Ah, good evening, Doctor.

(deep voice) Good evening, nurse.
Sorry, no time for chit-chat.

- But Doctor--
- No, no, no. I'm off to surgery.

I have to go remove someone's...

uh... neck.

Yes, it's a "nectaroctomy."

- Wait!
- Yes?

What do I do?

The patient in room 312
is having chills.

Uh, put him next to a guy
with a fever.

(clears throat)
Good evening. Yes, yes, yes.

Woman: You weren't
leaving me, were you?

Uh oh.

(seductively)
Not without saying goodbye.

(nervously laughing)
Uh, no. Of course not, goodbye!

Doctor,
heal me with your kisses.

(rapid smooches)

Aw, man.
That is one sick lady.

Doctor, I'm sorry.
Are you all right?

(clears throat)
Yeesss!

Take me to the elevator.

Carry on, nurses!

Zack, you're supposed
to be in bed.

What are you doing?

Would you believe,
going for a midnight roll?

My mother told me
you tried to run away.

Are you crazy?
You could've hurt yourself.

Boy, you sound
just like your mother.

I do?

Well, good, you deserve it.

Now, why were you
trying to leave?

Look, Lisa, I really don't
feel like talking about it, okay?

Zack, my job here is
to try and help people.

Now let me help you.

I don't know...

I guess I'm afraid
to have this operation.

I understand.
I mean, nobody likes being here.

But you were in a hospital before.
We both were, remember?

How could I forget? We were nine
and went ice skating for the first time.

Yeah, we pretended to be
Olympic figure skaters.

We were doing pretty good till Screech
tripped and you fell over him.

Then I grabbed onto you
to break my fall.

When you did that
you ripped off my skirt.

Then I fell and bumped
my butt on the ice.

- (Both laughing)
- And I twisted my ankle.

That was exciting, huh?
Remember, they raced us to the hospital

in the ambulance, and wheeled us
through emergency

- like we were a big deal.
- And everything turned out fine.

I know, but Lisa,
that was different.

- We were--
- Together?

Yeah.

Well, hey, we're together now.

But Lisa, what if something goes wrong
in the operating room? What if--

Honey, you have got the best surgeon
in L.A. working on you.

(laughs)
You're right.

I'll be okay.

Thanks for helping, Lisa.

I really appreciate it.

- That's my job.
- (yawns)

Looks like your medicine
is starting to kick in.

Better get some sleep.

Yeah, okay, Lise.

- Just rest, Zack.
- Okay.

Please, God,

take care of my friend.

Oh, good morning, Zack.

Well, as Lisa would say,
"Am I a 10 or what?"

I have to admit, the gown looks
better on you than it did on me.

Thank you.
Green is my color.

Now, Zack, the surgery will last
about two hours.

You won't feel a thing of course, because
you will be zonked out.

I'll just pretend I'm sleeping
through Mr. Dewey's math class.

- I have great dreams in there.
- Good, good.

But, if you should
happen to wake up,

(German accent) I'll just clobber
you over the head with my trusty mallet.

- Are my parents here?
- Yeah, they're in the waiting room.

You'll see them after surgery.

Okay, let's go fix that knee.

Well, am I a 10 or what?

Lisa? You're up
at 6:00 in the morning?

Look, Mom, Zack is my patient,
and I want to be with him.

Thanks, Lisa.
I'd really like that.

You know, Mom,
I'm not just here to have fun,

I have responsibilities.

Well, that's my girl.
Give me a kiss.

What, and smear my make-up?
Pshaw, get real.

Now that's really my girl.

Well, time to go.

(In unison)
Let's rock and roll.

Jessie, your turn
to sign the cast.

Sure. I'll sign under your picture
of a dollhouse and smiley kitten

saying, "Come home soon."

Zack, is there anything I can do
for you after I punch Jessie out?

Well, my neck is a little sore.

Four student nurses walked by
and I think I got whiplash.

- Let me massage it for you.
- Okay.

Mr. Belding, aren't you
going to sign my cast?

Aw...

And when you're done, you can
sign your name to a big fat check

to cover Zack's
medical expenses...

Ow... ow.

...and his pain and suffering.

Don't move.

Zack, I'm really glad
your surgery was a success.

I wish I could say the same
about your math test.

Mr. Dewey gave me a C-.

Well, sir, I suggest you ask
Mr. Dewey for a make-up exam.

And this time,
get the nerds to help.

Please get better soon.
We really miss you around school.

I can't take much more algebra.

Here you go, Preppie.

A little get-well gift
from the basketball team.

- We want you to keep practicing.
- Hey, excellent.

It's also a good way
to get nurses. Watch.

Oh, and here comes
my favorite nurse now.

Nice sh*t, Zack.
How's your leg?

As far as I know, it's in there.
Did you sign my cast?

Baby, I helped make that cast.
I lost a nail wrapping your knee.

- Thanks for everything, Lisa.
- No problem.

All right, everybody,
it's been fun seeing you.

Now get out,
Zack needs his rest.

- (everyone groans)
- She's tough, but she's good.

We can't leave yet.
"Gilligan's Island" is on.

All:
Screech, No!

(instrumental theme music plays)