03x11 - Pipe Dreams

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low in my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

(croaking)

This semester in biology
we shall study

the ecology of the pond.

Dr. Phelps, where did
these animals come from?

These creatures are visiting
from the pond behind the football field.

Now to them,
this is a field trip.

Doesn't it bother them to be moved
from their natural habitat?

Get real, Kelly. Who would miss
sitting in stagnant water all day?

I would.

Let's get to know our pond pals
a little better, shall we?

Dr. Phelps, can I hold the frog?

Don't let him, he'll give it a wart.

That's a misconception;
frogs do not give warts.

Now then--

Miss Turtle,
how about holding this turtle?

- I can't, it's slimy.
- I'll hold it, it's cute.

Dr. Phelps, I'm sorry I'm late,
but I think this duck is hurt.

- What happened, Zack?
- We were playing baseball last period

and I hit one over the fence.
I found the ball next to the duck.

- I guess he got hit by the ball.
- Yeah.

He should have ducked.

And so should you.

Oh, she'll be okay.
She's just a little dazed.

Hit by a ball, typical.

That's what happens when man
encroaches upon an animal's domain.

Jessie, it was an accident,
not a case for "L.A. Law."

This duck will be fine.

We'll observe her and return her
and the other animals

to the pond where we can study them
in their natural surroundings.

It's Friday, sir, no one's
gonna be here for the weekend,

- can I take her home?
- All right, Zack.

Sounds like a good idea.

Come on, little lady,

I'm sorry I hit you
over the head with a ball.

You forgive me?

(quacks)

Hi, guys-- whoa, Becky!
Becky, is that you?

(Belding quacking)

Are you sure you didn't hit him
in the head with a ball first?

No offense, but I think
the stress of being a principal

- has finally gotten to you.
- No, I'm talking to my friend Becky.

I know this duck. I feed her every
day at the pond behind the football field.

- You feed this duck?
- Not only this duck,

but Lyle, Sammy-- oh, Manny!

- And what about Donald and Daffy?
- I think we're talking to Daffy.

- I think so too.
- I grew up on a farm.

I used to name all the animals, okay?
Is Becky all right?

- She got hit by a baseball--
- What?

--But Dr. Phelps says Becky
will be fine in a couple of days.

You take care of her, Zack.
I have to go to the football field.

- We're putting in new goal posts.
- I have to go too.

I'm the H2O distribution engineer.

- He means he's a water boy.
- Oh.

Now, Becky,
you listen to what Zack says

and get well soon.

(quacking)

Hi, Becky, what would you like
for lunch? Don't be shy.

- Kelly, you're talking to a duck.
- I've had ducks before.

- I know what they eat.
- What?

A box of "quackers."

Guys, you'll never
guess what happened

when they were putting up
the new goal posts.

They buried Belding
beneath them.

No luck. They were drilling
and must have hit a pipeline.

- There's oil squirting out.
- You see, that's what happens

when man alters the natural
order of the environment.

Chill out, Mama,
it was a chick digging the hole.

It's too bad they didn't
strike oil for real.

Yeah, we'd be the richest school
in the world.

- We could buy anything we wanted.
- All: Yeah.

(clock chiming)

Good morning,
rich students of Bayside.

Today is our history midterm.

Mrs. Kerns, I do believe
you are forgetting the rules.

- What rules?
- The rule that we're rich

and there are no rules.

- You rang, sir?
- Yes, Belding, dismiss this--

teacher. She tried
to make us learn.

How dare you challenge these
young minds with school work?

If you want to teach,
well then, go to a cheap school.

Now go on, shoo.
Shoo!

Good work, Belding.
Here's $1,000.

Now go take an old lady
to Magic Mountain.

You're too kind, Master Slater.

Oo-ooh!

I'm off to the hounds.
Lisa, would you care to join me?

No, AC, I'm going to shop.

Are you going to the mall?

Perish the thought.

When you're rich,
the mall comes to you.

- I'll take both outfits.
- Yes, and I'll take both girls.

Sit.

Why should I go to the hounds
when the foxes are right here?

Tallyho.

Are you comfortable,
Miss Jessie?

Quiet, Belding. I'm tracking down
environmental polluters.

I'm gonna tie their noses
to exhaust pipes until they go solar.

Then would you care for some lunch
while you change the world?

Yes.

- Here's your order from Chez Kelly.
- Chez Kelly?

- What happened to The Max?
- I renamed it when I bought it.

Oh well, who cares? I'm hungry.
Give me my food.

Don't talk to me like that,
I'm the richest waitress in the world.

I'm as rich as you are.

- Not since Kelly got married.
- Where's my husband?

(Middle Eastern accent)
Come, my darling.

Let's all go to the beach.
The camels are ready.

The beach is polluted.

Not this beach,
my little desert flower.

The big beach,
I just bought Saudi Arabia.

But you can't just leave school.

Belding, we're rich.

When it comes to school
you have got a lot to learn.

Yeah, school would be
so much better if we owned it.

- Guys, we've struck oil.
- No we didn't, we just hit a pipe.

No, they checked, there's no pipeline
under the school. We've struck it rich.

Today is an historic moment
in the history of Bayside.

We have an opportunity to make Bayside
the kind of school we've all dreamed of.

Great! The Laker Girls
are gonna teach Phys Ed!

- You are a sexist pig.
- And proud of it.

As you all know, we have
struck oil on the football field.

The school board has contracted
with an oil company

to do some exploratory drilling.

At this time I would like
to introduce

the vice-president of Cal Star Oil,
Dan Grayson.

- Zack: All right.
- Dan: Thank you.

I'm very honored the school board
has selected our company

to extract the oil
and jointly build a better Bayside.

Let's have hairdressers in homeroom
and manicures in study hall.

Lisa!

There's gonna be a lot
of changes around here.

Mr. Belding can tell us
about some of them.

We are talking new pool,
new gym, new library,

new theater complex, computers

and the latest visual aids
in every classroom.

In short,
a higher level of education.

Come on,
let's not ruin this place, sir.

Thanks to this oil discovery
your years at Bayside

will be whatever
you want to make them.

Why do we need more oil?

Why not focus on alternative
sources of energy? Like the sun.

Because the sun's our competitor --
we're in the oil business.

(laughs)
That's a good one.

I'm serious.

I know you are
and please excuse my joke.

We are exploring alternatives
like wind and solar power,

but until these technologies
become cost efficient,

- oil is still our best energy source.
- We're glad it is,

because we want a bigger gym
and a cheerleader in every locker.

You know,
I've never had a pet before.

It's been fun having Becky here
the last couple of days.

Probably because it's the only girl
your mom will let sleep over.

(quacking)

Oh, that's duck for
"I love you, Zack."

- Come on, Becky.
- Hi, you cute little thing.

You're pretty cute
yourself, Mama.

Please...

Zack, I want you to sign this petition to
stop the oil drilling.

Stop it? You can't be serious.
This oil has been

the best thing that has happened
since I started school.

Not counting the time we put
the periscope in the girls' locker room.

- That was you?
- Zack was Skipper and I was Gilligan.

Jessie, you look great in a towel,
now drop it.

Zack, I'm asking you
as my friend.

I need your signature
on this petition.

- How many signatures do you have?
- So far, one.

Jessie Spano.
Oh, I know her.

That's me, dopus.

I'm sorry, Jessie, I don't
agree with you on this one.

This oil will benefit everyone in school
and the kids who will come after us.

Will you read the research
I dug up in the library?

You really shouldn't be
digging up in the library.

The oil's under the football field.

Quiet, little weird man.

Zack, oil can do a lot
of damage to the environment.

Please read it.

- Okay... okay.
- Okay.

I'll never forget how you looked
in that towel, babe.

Zack, I think Jessie
has the hots for me.

Oh, yeah,
it's obvious to everyone.

It's getting pretty late.
We should call it a night.

Yeah.
It's bedtime, Becky.

Hey, Zack, can I read her a story?
"The Ugly Duckling" or "Duck Tales."

She's a duck, she doesn't
understand what you're saying.

- Now get out of here.
- Good night, Becky.

And just remember this--
(mimics Donald Duck)

I heard Donald say that
to Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

And you're screwy.
Good night.

(Becky quacks)

I know I shouldn't say this,

but I wish I didn't have to take you
to the pond tomorrow.

I'm gonna miss you, Becky--
whoa.

Are you gonna miss me?

Yeah? Don't worry about it.

I'll come visit you all the time.

Did you read the information
on oil that I left you?

Uh-- no, not yet,
but I'll read it tonight, I promise.

Doesn't anybody feel
the way I feel?

I feel the way you feel
about Kevin Costner, but not oil.

It's gonna give us a great school.

- What about you, Kelly?
- I don't know what to think.

I care about the environment,
but I also like Zack's idea

about a hot tub
in every classroom.

- I was kidding.
- Me too.

Come on, Kelly, oil causes pollution.
Take a stand.

Hey, leave her alone, Jessie.

Oil also runs cars,
heats homes--

oh, makes plastic earrings
like the ones you're wearing.

Actually, I borrowed these,
right, Lisa?

You're on your own, honey, that's
a fashion statement I wouldn't make.

- (bell rings)
- Well, everybody,

today we leave the classroom
and return our animals

to their homes in the wild.

Oh, that's so sad.

I'd like to return
dorks to the wild.

- Where's my turtle?
- Here he is.

I'm gonna miss you, little fella.
You're slimy but sweet.

And Jessie, Screech,
here are your frogs.

And Slater,
your salamander, sir.

And Kelly,

- here's your crayfish.
- (giggles)

- Zack, you got Becky?
- Sure do, don't worry about her.

- Dr. Phelps: All right, good.
- (drilling)

- Kelly: What is that?
- The oil company,

- disturbing our environment.
- No, it's not.

It's just a two-ton woodpecker.

Maybe Jessie's right.
I don't like this.

They're just drilling a test well.

Yeah, you can't make an omelet
without breaking some eggs.

This is just the beginning
of beautiful Bayside, wait and see.

All right, class,
forget about the noise.

Come on, let's get our animals
back to the pond. Come on.

Okay.
Come on, Becky.

Go ahead.
Come on.

Stop the drilling, stop the oil!
Stop the drilling, stop the--

- What are you guys doing?
- Protesting for what we believe.

At least there's one real man
with enough guts

- to stand up for the environment.
- You mean Franklin?

- Yeah, Franklin.
- Not me, I just wanted to be

chained to the head cheerleader
and the school president.

It's everything
I dreamed it would be.

- Ugh, don't touch me!
- Ever try nerd love?

Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

Jess, you're being an alarmist.
You're making a fool of yourself.

Stop the drilling, stop the oil!
Stop the drilling, stop the oil!

Stop the shouting,
give me a kiss!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
what is going on here?

Does this have something
to do with the oil?

Oh, you're sharp,
Mr. Belding.

And we're out of here,
we gotta get ready for gym class.

- Stop the drilling, stop the--
- I am giving you a direct order,

stop this protest immediately.

Not on your life, buster!
I mean if that's okay.

- Come to my office.
- We're not going anywhere.

Well, if you don't,
you're suspended.

We're coming to your office.

I guess we've lost.
Franklin, give me the key.

He swallowed it,
you babes are his.

Unhook me.

This way.

Guys, there's been an oil spill.

There's oil everywhere.

Hey, come on, Screech,
we gotta get out on the field.

- Be right there.
- Oh, man.

How do you like it?

- Why are you dressed like Cher?
- It's my new look.

I wanna give the girls'
field hockey team a thrill.

If you really wanna give them a thrill, why
don't you blindfold them?

Oh no, Zack. I've caught them looking
at me and whispering with delight.

Now I'm gonna show them
more than they can handle.

- I don't think that's a wise--
- If any of them faint

- I'll wake them with my kisses.
- Yeah, that will k*ll them.

Hey, Slater,
what happened to you?

- You didn't hear about the oil spill?
- What oil spill?

They were drilling
on the football field

suddenly oil started
spilling out everywhere.

- Did it get into the pond?
- I don't know.

Becky-- the animals--
we just put them back into the pond.

Come on, we gotta save them.

Dr. Phelps.
Dr. Phelps, we need your help.

- What is it, Zack?
- There's been an oil spill.

It's terrible, sir.
Look what happened to Becky.

- Please, Becky, it's okay.
- Oh, the poor thing!

Please, sir, show us
how to clean her off.

- It's okay, Becky.
- She's not moving, Zack.

She's probably in shock--
just please help us, sir!

I'll do what I can, Zack, but...

- Zack, Becky's dead.
- No, no.

Please give her-- come on,
Screech, let's clean her off.

- It's okay, we'll clean you off.
- It's no use.

I don't believe that.

I wish there was something
I could do, but it's too late.

You guys, I heard about the pond.

Zack... I'm so sorry.

It's terrible.

I should have
listened to you, Jessie.

I'm sorry, Becky.

It wasn't your fault.

Don't worry about Becky, Zack.

She's where the oil
can't hurt her now.

I feel as bad as you do.

I loved going down to the pond
and feeding Becky.

But accidents happen.

Accidents happen a lot
with oil companies.

Then they just slip out
of being responsible for them.

Jessie, it's not that simple.
With progress there's often

a price to pay. People d*ed
in the space program,

does that mean we should
stop exploring the universe?

Sir, we've gotta do something.
We've gotta stop the drilling.

Stop the drilling?

You wanted a better Bayside
more than anyone.

Sir, I was wrong.
Please, you have got to do something.

What can I do?

What can you do?
You're the principal,

aren't you man enough
to scare anyone but the kids?

Oops.

Mr. Belding, Becky is dead.
The pond is polluted.

Who knows
what's gonna happen next?

We got there too late.

There's nothing we can do.
All our animals are dead.

We can't let these animals
die for nothing.

Please, you've gotta tell
the school board to stop the drilling.

I'll try.
But I'm afraid it's gonna take

more than a few dead animals
to change their minds.

As you can see,
the new gymnasium will house

a separate boys'
and girls' basketball court.

Now that may bother
some of you boys

who love sharing a court
with girls in gym shorts.

I'm sorry, guys.

And over here we have a modern
Olympic-sized swimming pool

that will make Shamu jealous.

- Sir, where's the football field?
- Good question.

That will be constructed over here
where the swampy area now exists.

You're gonna put
the football field over the pond?

- That pond's part of our school.
- We have to do most of our drilling

over the old football field,
but as you can see from the model

we're not just taking something
out of the ground,

we're putting a lot more back in.

What's this new campus
going to cost in taxes?

I'm glad you asked that.

Cal Star and the school board
will be partners

in building a beautiful new Bayside.
It will cost you nothing.

- That's not true.
- What do you mean, young man?

Mr. Belding, may I have the floor
to make a presentation?

You've got it, Zack.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I may only be a high school kid,

but I've already learned that
you never get something for nothing.

Everything has its price.

Mr. Grayson, this is
a very beautiful model,

but where are the oak trees behind
the library where we used to have lunch?

You can have lunch in your
brand-new state-of-the-art cafeteria.

- And where are the trees?
- I'm afraid we'll have to replace them.

No, you mean, cut them down
and put up an oil derrick.

But that's not here
on the model, sir.

- Yes, of course there will be derricks.
- Sort of like this?

Now, when we're having classes
in this building right here,

and look out the window,

what are we gonna see?
One of these?

I guess they were
left off by mistake. Now...

where are the benches and trees
where we had classes when it got hot?

You won't have to sit outside, the whole
school will be air-conditioned.

Who needs benches and trees?
We'll just put up another oil rig.

What are you trying to say,
young man?

What I'm trying to say is,
that Cal Star Oil is right,

we're not taking something
out of the ground,

we're helping put
a lot more back in.

Jessie.

Yesterday,
because of your oil spill

we put 20 dead animals
back into the ground.

We're sorry about that. It was
an accident and we cleaned it up.

Yeah, but can you guarantee
it won't happen again?

There are no guarantees
but we'll--

Yes, but what happens
if there's a bigger accident

and oil gets over everything
just like this?

Young man, this is outrageous.
You give me that.

Look at this!

I'm covered with oil.

It was an accident, sir.

But at least you'll be alive
when you clean it off.

See, sir,

I wanted a bigger and better Bayside
more than anybody.

Even more than you,
Mr. Grayson.

But us kids don't want
to pay that price.

We don't want to go
to school in an oil field.

I think we know
how we should vote.

Mr. Grayson,
thank you for coming.

We already have
a better Bayside,

we just didn't know it
until now.

(instrumental
theme music playing)