03x15 - Date Auction

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low in my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Every student council meeting
has one thing in common --

screaming teenagers.

- (gavel bangs)
- Hey, hey, hey!

Please!

Now, does anyone else have anything
to bring before the council?

I do. The cheerleading squad
desperately needs $600 for new uniforms.

Let's give them $200
and make them wear bikinis.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, woo-hoo!

(laughs)

Good one, Zack.

Don't encourage him,
he should be caged.

I support the cheerleaders.
They represent our high school.

Their uniforms should have
the dignity these ladies deserve.

- All right.
- (Zack laughs)

Wait a minute, now.
$600 is a lot of money.

We have money. How healthy
is our treasury, Wendy?

It's on life support.
They've sent for a priest.

I'm afraid the numbers never lie.

- Maybe next year, girls.
- Any other motions?

Yeah, let's see
the cheerleaders in motion.

(laughs)

I'm sorry, Jessie,
I'll never laugh again.

No, wait a minute.
How hard can it be to raise $600?

Okay, the floor is open
for suggestions.

How about a date auction? I bet a lot
of girls would bid on Zack and Slater.

Yeah, we could auction off
dates to the Spring Dance.

Auctioning off dates
is sexist flesh peddling

and should be strictly forbidden.

- All in favor?
- All: Aye.

Did you see the way Brian looked at me
when he said we were dignified?

- He likes me.
- He likes you?

What are you talking about?
He just ignored you completely.

You noticed it, too? I love it
when they play hard to get.

I can't believe you two
voted against me.

Auctioning off dates
is just a glorified meat market.

Quit beefin', woman. I'm single
and I'm after a prime hunk.

I bet I bring in more cash
than you at the auction.

Dream on, Curly. It will be
the easiest money I'll ever make.

Oh yeah?
Watch "Dr. Love" operate.

Claudia, how much would you pay
to go out on a date with me?

Now take your time, babe.
Big numbers are tough.

$50, not to date you.

Ow!

b*at that, knuckleheads.

- See you later, buddy.
- (bell rings)

We've got to stop this disgusting, sexist,
dehumanizing auction.

Come on, lighten up. It'll be fun.
Besides,
you can bid on me.

It's just the principle.
I can't believe

my own boyfriend
doesn't even support me.

Go ahead... sell your muscles.
But I'm not going to bid on them.

It's not good to be afraid
of your girlfriend.

Hey, Lisa, what do you
think of this?

I think it will scare
the fleas off of my dog.

Hi, Brian. It was really nice of you
to support the cheerleaders.

It was nothing.

- What are you reading?
- "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."

Oh, a football book.

No, the hunchback didn't make
the team. This is a classic.

Ever read "Confessions of a Mall Queen"?
It's a classic, too.

Shucks, I'm afraid
I missed that one.

Oh, don't worry,
I can lend you my copy.

So, does your girlfriend mind
that you're in the auction?

I don't have a girlfriend.

(quietly)
All right!

- Excuse me?
- It's all right to be single.

It's my favorite quality
in a man.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to go to a French lecture.

Well, as they say in France,

"Ba-bye, baby."

Sure.

Ah... Linda, Linda, Linda.
What a beautiful name.

It is, but mine is Lydia.

Lydia, Lydia, Lydia.
Oh, it's so much nicer than Linda.

The date auction
is just a few days away.

- Did you make any decisions, yet?
- Not yet.

Well, maybe you need
some coaching.

Hi, can I get you guys anything?

Not unless you have
a date with Lydia on the menu.

Now, about this date auction,

if any one of you sweeties
dare bid on my Slater,

I'll hunt you down in the streets
like a rabid dog.

Thank you.
Have a nice day.

Jessie, lighten up.
This date auction is for a good cause.

Besides, the guys want to do it.
So it's not sexist... it's sexy.

You both make interesting points.
Really-- fascinating.

But if either of you bid on Slater,
you're dead. You got me?

Who put sandpaper
on her toilet seat?

Our next hunk to be auctioned off
is Herbert Hotis.

Herbert is Sergeant-at-Arms
of the Insect Club.

We'll start the bidding at $5.

Do I hear five?
Gimme, gimme five?

(both sigh heavily)

Going once, twice,
sold to Merris Clement for 15 cents.

I didn't even expect that.

Our next participant
is a straight-A student,

and Vice-President
of the Student Council.

He is our very own
Brian Watkins.

(applause and cheers)

This one's mine.
Let the games begin.

Do I hear a $5 donation?

- $5!
- Uh... $20.

- $25.
- 30!

You top that, and I'll tell everyone
in school about your training bra.

I have $30.
Going once...

going twice...

you are promised
to Lisa Turtle for $30.

Charge 'em, please.

Next up, AC Slater.

Show them those biceps, son.
Yeah!

Hey, we'll start
the bidding at $5.

Okay... give me $4.

- Jessie, bid on him.
- Get real, missy.

$3?

Poor Slater, he looks
so embarrassed. I bid $10.

(everyone gasps)

I have $10 going once...

going twice...

You are promised
to Kelly Kapowski.

Hey, all right.

Slater, I forbid you
to go out with Kelly.

Hey, she bid fair and square.
I guess I have a date for the dance

and you don't.

That's what you think, buster.

Our next eligible hunk
is one of my favorites.

I bid 25 bucks.

Sold, Mama.

We'll grow to love each other.

Our next participant
needs no introduction.

Zack Morris, come on down.

(loud cheers)

Okay, okay, now do I have $5?

- Baby, you've got $25!
- 30!

I have 30.
Do I hear 35?

- 35!
- 40.

We've got heat at 40.
Do I hear $50? Anyone, $50?

50!

- I bid $75.
- (crowd oohs)

Wow, $75!

Going once...

going twice... so--

$100.

$100?

Wow, where do you kids
get your allowances?

$100! Going once...

going twice...

Zack Morris, you are
promised to Wendy Parks.

All right!

Hi, Brian. Are you as excited
about the dance as I am?

Certainly.

Maybe we can even go out
before the dance.

I don't think so, Lisa. Face it,
we don't have anything in common.

That's not true. I mean...
we both live in California,

we both attend the same school,
we're both--

Different.
I don't care about fashion

and you'd be bored by
"Catcher in the Rye."

No I wouldn't.
I love baseball.

It's not about baseball, Lisa.

You see, it's about... alienation.

I loved "Alien Nation."
It was my favorite TV show.

No, Lisa, um... I've got to go.

Excuse me.

Zack, hi.
I saved us a table.

- Aww.
- You did?

Yeah, lunch, remember?
We're going to talk about the dance?

I'll leave you two
lovebirds alone.

(Zack, quietly)
Slater, Slater. Come on.

Zack, I am so excited about our date,
I haven't been able to eat.

But, I guess that's good for me.
(giggles)

Look, Wendy...
I really can't have lunch today.

- What's wrong?
- (Zack screams)

It's-- it's my back. You see,
it's an old track injury.

- I have to go to the doctor.
- You seemed fine earlier.

(groaning)You never know
when it's going to hit.

- Is there anything I can do?
- You can pray for me.

Slater, I need to know
what you think about me.

You know, the real me,
the person.

Okay. You're pretty,
you're fun at parties,

and you never have bad breath.

Anything else, a bit deeper?

Okay... you're a great dancer.

- That's it?
- Well yeah, I guess so.

Then it's true, I am an airhead.

Lisa?

Boy, this is definitely
not my day with women.

The new uniforms
have been ordered

with the money raised
at the auction!

Try and make these last,
Miss-Rah-Rah-Sis-Boom-Bleech.

Meeting adjourned.

Jessie is still mad at me.
Let's call the date off.

No way! She started this
and I'm going to teach her a lesson.

Sorry I'm late. I was in the
library reading up on Tolstoy.

Or "Tolstoy" as it is
often pronounced in Eastern Europe.

What's with Lisa?

The nail polish fumes
must have gone to her head.

- Hello, Brian.
- Lisa, is that you?

- (scoffs) Of course it's me.
- You've really been reading Tolstoy?

Oh, I just loved "Anna Karenina."

I cried at the end when she
threw herself under the train.

Lisa, I'm impressed.

You inspired me to become
a more serious student.

Really? Let me help you
with those books.

I know a quiet little corner
in the library

- where we can both read together.
- I hope I'm dressed right--

- I mean, the library might be chilly.
- You can borrow my sweater.

Hi, Zack.
Feeling better?

Oh, oh, the doctors all feel with
intensive acupuncture needle therapy,

um... deep tissue massage
and vitamin B sh*ts,

I might recuperate
and live a normal life.

But of course
I won't be able to dance.

I called your house to see how you were
and your mom said you were surfing.

Ah, uh... well,
I was body surfing.

You see, you have
to lie down to do that.

This is so you don't have to go
to the dance with me, isn't it?

- No--
- Because I don't look like Lydia,

- or Kelly, or Elle McPherson.
- Wendy--

I've heard the "I'm sick"
excuses before,

but I thought
you were different.

I'll have more fun
going to the dance by myself.

At least I'll be with someone
who's honest.

Descartes was
my favorite philosopher.

He said,
"I think, therefore I am."

Well, yes. But I ask,

"If I think not, am I not?"

I think not.
Don't you think?

Lisa, I was wrong about you.
Your brain teasers are driving me wild.

I've always loved philosophy.

For example, what is art?

Are we art?
Is art art?

Excuse me, Lisa.
Phone call. It's Art.

- Have you heard yourself lately?
- Yeah, I'm good, aren't I?

Brian really likes
the new intellectual me.

Brian isn't liking
the real Lisa.

He's liking some fake
phony philosopher.

Yeah, but this phony
has a boyfriend.

The old Lisa didn't.

Zack, you've got to help me.
Screech is driving me crazy.

Yep, you and everyone else.

He thinks he's in love with me.

He keeps sending bouquets
but no flowers.

And instead of candy,
he brings leftovers from home.

Hello there, my fairest, tallest,
and oh so long-legged feminist.

- (growls)
- Help.

I brought you something
to chew on between classes --

Mom's meatloaf. Enjoy.

Ugh, he's such a geek.

What's everyone gonna think
when they see us at the dance?

Come on, Jessie.

Screech may act like a crash-test dummy,
but underneath he's a great guy.

He's gonna humiliate me
in front of the whole school.

- I've got to get out of this.
- You made a commitment.

You'll break his dorky little heart
if you back out now.

- I sound stuck up and awful, don't I?
- You sure do.

You're right, I should give
the little booger a chance.

Wendy's not exactly your type,
but you're going with her.

- Yeah, right.
- Then I'll do it. Thanks, Zack.

But... you take the meatloaf.

(rock music playing)

What happened
to your date, Herbie?

She told me she suddenly
had to move to Europe.

Mine too, what a coincidence.

- Yeah.
- Where's your babe, Morris?

She decided not to go with me.

That's not good. You need
to come up with a better excuse.

Yeah, like,
she joined the space program.

Hey, Wendy, where have you been?
I've been looking all over for you.

I was at home.
What did you think?

That I suddenly moved to Europe
or joined the space program?

I'm sorry about what I did,
but I'd like to dance with you.

- I guess that would be okay.
- All right.

What changed your mind?

I made a commitment to you
and I want to keep it.

- Boy, I sound like Oprah.
- (giggles)

I just feel guilty
about dumping you.

That's nice, but I don't want to be
your date because you feel guilty.

Thanks anyway, but I'd rather
hang out by the finger foods.

When they need their algebra done,
they always come back.

You know, Lisa, I used to tell people they
could see the sunset

if they looked through your ears,
but you've changed.

I want you to respect me, Brian.
I only go to foreign films now,

and yesterday
I started French lessons.

French lessons?
Parlez-vous Français?

Not yet, but I love
french toast.

It was a joke.

Oh, yes, and a rather
funny one too.

Brian, instead of that
cello concert tomorrow,

I was thinking maybe
we could go to the mall.

The mall? I get it,
you're joking again.

You really miss Jessie,
don't you?

What makes you say that, Jessie?

You see? You've been
calling me that all night.

We haven't moved in 20 minutes,
this is a fast dance.

Kelly, you better get ready
to show off the new uniforms.

- Slater, you gonna be okay alone?
- Sure, Jessie.

He'll be fine. Come on, Slater,
let's get some punch.

Sure, Mr. Jessie.

That Spano's one amazing chick.

Really gets my mojo going.

I know, she's one terrific girl.

You mean you miss her?

I don't want to talk about it,
okay, Screech?

Slater, are you okay?

Hang in there, you big galoot.

Jessie, get out
on the dance floor with Slater.

What about us?

Try to forget about me.
You're breaking his heart, Mama.

Hi there.

Mama's back.

Oh, look it, Slater
and Jessie are back together.

- Let's go talk to them.
- Talk to that Neanderthal? Get real.

And Jessie's worse,
what a pseudo-intellectual neurotic.

Don't you like
any of my friends?

Are you kidding?
Worst of all is Zack.

Even sleep requires
too much thinking for him.

Lisa, I think it's time
you made some new friends.

Excuse me for breathing.

I have had enough of you,
Mr. Too-Much-Attitude.

- What are you doing?
- Being moi.

Here's something I learned
in French class: Au revoir, creep.

Attention, everyone.
Attention.

Your captain of the cheerleading squad,
Kelly Kapowski.

This cheer's for you, Bayside.

We needed new uniforms,
you knew we did,

so we banded together
and decided to bid.

They feel so good,
they fit so right.

Thank you, Bayside,
you're outta sight.

All right, kids,
this is the last dance.

Make it memorable.

(instrumental music playing)

Hey, Wendy. The dance is
almost over, what do you say?

I thought we went over this, Zack.
You don't have to--

Give me a break, I want to.

- Mind if I cut in?
- Go ahead, it's all right.

No thanks,
Wendy's my date tonight.

But we'll look for you
later at The Max.

The Max?
You're asking me out after the dance?

Yeah, might even have some fun--
if that's okay.

No, fun is good, I like fun.

And I like you.

(instrumental
theme music playing)