03x17 - S.A.T.S

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low in my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

It's Saturday morning
and we're in school.

Depressing, isn't it?

We're here to take
this test called the SAT.

I'd rather be at the beach
working on my TAN.

You are about to take

the most important
test of your lives.

This is the test
that colleges look at

when they decide who to admit.

The next three hours
might well determine

your entire future.

But I don't want to put
any pressure on you,

so just relax, have fun,
and do the best you can.

Have fun? All right,
then I'm going to the beach.

Wrong.

Remember, everyone,

this test will be taken

in absolute silence.

- (whirrs)
- All: Shh!

Jessie's voice: I've been waiting
for this test my whole life.

I'm a lean, mean
answering machine!

Stansbury University,
here I come!

Kelly's voice: She's on
the third page already?!

I'm still on the third question!

I hate her!

Lisa's voice:
"And if train A leaves New York at 5:00,

and train B leaves
Los Angeles at 2:00,

where will they meet?"
Probably with a big bang in Missouri.

Slater's voice:
Concentrate, Slater, concentrate.

How can I concentrate?
I'm starving!

I only had four Twinkies and
a box of Ding Dongs for breakfast.

Zack's voice:
Mmm, Belding was right.

This test is important
to my future.

Who is that great-looking
chick over there?

Screech's voice:
Mmmm, pencils, erasers,

vitamins, protein drink.

I got everything I need.

Oh no!
I forgot to kiss my lucky goldfish!

Pucker up, baby,
Daddy needs good luck!

I can't wait much longer
to find out my score.

Where is Zack?
He promised he'd meet us here

so we could all open
our envelopes together.

This is so exciting!
It's like the People's Choice Awards!

If the people had a choice,
you'd be on another planet.

Hey, everybody, let's get
this little ceremony over with.

There are girls
I still have to meet.

- Good day, everybody!
- All: Hey, James!

- James, you're working here again?
- Yeah.

- I thought you got a part in a play.
- I did.

We performed "Cats"
in dog suits,

but I quit when they
started throwing bones at us.

- So what will it be?
- We're too nervous to eat right now.

Speak for yourselves.

I'll have a burger, fries
and a double chocolate malt.

- Got it.
- All right.

Okay, guys, time
to find out our scores.

Well, somebody's
got to go first.

Screech, you do it.

689 in math.

531 in verbal.

- A combined score of 1220!
- (all cheer)

1200 is good, Screech.

1600 is the best you can get.
And only geniuses get that.

Right.
Hey, open yours up, Mama.

No, you guys go first.

1100. Not bad!

1140! I'm happy!

1050.

- That's a good score, Slater.
- It's way above the national average.

Besides, in every group,
some dummy's got to get the lowest.

Yeah, well, don't be so sure
I'm the lowest.

Zack over here hasn't
opened his up yet.

Do the honors, Screech.
Make Mr. Musclehead here happy.

750...

Way to go, Preppie!

- ...in math!
- What?

752 in verbal?

- Total score of 1502!
- Huh-uh.

Wow, Zack's even smarter
than Dougie Howser!

- I am? Check this out. I am!
- I don't believe it.

The SAT measures how smart you are,
not how hard you work.

Zack may be lazy,
but he's no idiot.

Thank you, Screech.
You're a pal.

Jessie, if Zack got 1500,
you must have scored off the charts!

Yeah, open yours up, Mama,
maybe you aced it -- 1600.

1205?!

- 1205?!
- That's a good score, Jessie.

Yeah, it's only 297 points
less than Zack.

My life as I know it is over.

Excuse me.
I'm Heather Brooks.

Wow, I overheard your score.
Congratulations.

For once, my score
is going to help me score!

Thank you very much.
I'm Zack Morris,

and I also bowled a 241.

Mr. Belding, over PA:
Attention, all students.

College representatives will be
in the gym for the next three days.

So stop in and tell them
Mr. Belding sent you.

You'll get a free cookie.
(laughs)

I'm planning on going there
after school.

Oh-- yeah, me too.
I guess I'll see you there.

- Can I walk you to your next class?
- Yeah.

- Hi, Jessie.
- Hi, Darlene. How are you doing?

I am fantastic.

I bet it's doodily compared to you,
but I just got a 1280 on my SATs!

- What did you get?
- I'd rather not say.

I don't want to make
anybody feel bad...

especially stupid me.

Jessie, you're making
too big a deal out of these SATs.

Colleges look
at other things too --

- your grades, your activities.
- And no one can touch you there.

- Maybe you're right.
- Of course, we're right.

Yeah, why should I worry
about my score?

I did better
than the two of you!

Not that much better,
considering you're both cheerleaders.

I mean, cheerleaders are bright.
You have to...

- jump and yell at the same time.
- And if you don't get out of here,

I'll jump and yell all over
your neurotic nose!

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Zack.

- Are you interested in Stansbury?
- Well, I am now.

I'm trying to get my grade point up
so they'll consider me.

Do you think we could
study together sometime?

I just know I'd learn
so much from you.

Study dates are
my specialty, Heather.

We can have one tomorrow night
if you'd like.

I'd love it.

There he is.

Mr. SAT!

Congratulations, Zack.
Highest score in the school.

I guess all that advice
I've been giving you finally paid off.

Yeah, that must be it, sir.

Come on, Zack.
Excuse us.

Excuse me, Mrs. Billingham?

I would like to personally
introduce Zack Morris.

- Hi.
- (Mrs. Billingham chuckles)

Zack just racked up
1500 on his SAT.

Sir, please, don't embarrass me.

Well, that is quite a score,
young man.

You sound like
Stansbury material.

And let me also put in a good word
for Jessica Spano here.

She's president
of the student council,

a straight-A student --
quite a girl.

- Thank you, Mr. Belding.
- I'll let you get back to business.

Well, Jessie, you sound
like Stansbury material as well.

- Tell me, what was your SAT score?
- Well, not quite as high as Zack's--

That's all right.
What number exactly?

- 1205.
- Oh.

I see.

You know, there are a lot of other schools
that are perfectly adequate.

Why don't you go talk with them?

Now then, Zack, sit down,

and let me tell you
about all the advantages

that Stansbury has to offer
someone as intelligent as you.

I just could not decide which college
I like best yesterday.

The Westfield rep was gorgeous,

but the guy from UCLA
was more my type.

I don't think I'm ready
to pick a college.

When I graduate, I'll travel
and get my head straight.

There are parts of Disneyland
I've never seen!

You guys are obsessing over nothing.
We don't graduate for another year.

You're right.
But I still can't believe it.

How could she pass over
a straight-A student

for someone who's never
done homework?

Come on, Jessie,
that's not true.

Matter of fact,
I have a study date tonight.

Study date?

All you're going to learn is
the flavor of Heather's lip gloss.

Yeah.
Isn't it great?

Anyway, Belding wanted to see me
before school started.

Probably wants to give me
an award for my SATs.

- Later, everyone.
- All: Bye.

There's the Stansbury rep!

I bet she looked over
your records and changed her mind.

There you are.
I've been looking for you!

I don't mean to brag,
but I knew you'd change your mind--

- You're AC Slater, aren't you?
- Me?

- Him?
- Yeah, I'm AC Slater.

Could we speak in private
for a moment?

Sure.

Did I mention I won
the French award the past two years?

What could she want with Slater?

- What is happening here?
- I bet I know.

I saw on "Days of Our Lives"

that older women
like younger men.

Well, what did she want?

- Uh, she wanted to talk to me.
- We know that.

What about? What about?
What about?

Well, Stansbury's football team
could use a little help,

and she's heard about me.

You mean, she wants you
to go to Stansbury?

Yeah.
On a football scholarship.

But you had 1050 SATs.

I guess if you can throw a football
60 yards, it doesn't matter.

Football? Football?!
Is that what this is about?

- Jessie, take it easy.
- Look, Mama,

- just 'cause Helen's recruiting me--
- Helen? Helen?!

- She asked me to call her Helen.
- That is it, I'm out of here.

Jessie, wait.
It's not my fault.

Boy, it's a good thing I didn't tell her
they offered me a car!

Zack...

because of your outstanding
SAT score,

I have something special
to give you.

Yes, I thought that's why
you wanted to see me.

See, I realize now why your grades
have been so pathetic.

We haven't challenged you.

And that's why I've changed
your schedule, Zack.

- "Advanced calculus"?
- Uh-huh.

- "College-level Russian"?
- Oh yeah!

Sir, these are all nerd classes.

This means I'll get six hours
of homework a night.

Maybe for an ordinary mind,
but not for a genius like you!

There's no need to thank me.

I've told your new teachers
to bear down on you.

Let's see what that brain can do
when it's pushed to the limit.

(knock on door)

(coughs)

- Hi there. Come on in.
- Thanks.

Why is it so dark in here?

Well, this is the best light
for studying.

- Really? It seems dim to me.
- Well--

But you're the one
with the 1500 SATs.

- Yes.
- (knock on door)

Who can that be?
Heather, make yourself comfortable.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Zack, I have to talk to you.
- Kelly, not now.

I'm worried about Jessie.

- Is she alive?
- Yes.

- Is she hurt?
- No.

Then, I'll call you later
See ya.

- Who was it?
- A very aggressive girl scout.

We'll be getting peanut butter
cookies in about a month.

- Now, let's get back to work.
- Maybe we can start with algebra.

No, Heather, Heather.
First things first.

Your body has to be relaxed
so it can fully absorb the information.

- Let me massage your back.
- But--

1500...

Okay.

- (knock on door)
- Now what?

Excuse me.

- Who are you?
- Hi, Heather!

- Heather: Bob, come on in.
- Bob?

Zack, Bob's my boyfriend.
He could use some study help too.

- I knew you wouldn't mind.
- (fake laughter)

This is a catastrophe.
The SATs are ruining my life.

She only wants me for my mind.

Hey, Zack, how did it go
with Heather?

Didn't work out.
But Bob thinks I'm brilliant.

Zack, I'm glad you're here.
We have to do something about Jessie.

She's flipped out 'cause Stansbury
wants you and Slater, and not her.

She got sent to detention
for the first time in her life.

- Yeah?
- She wrote 500 times on the blackboard,

- "Death to the SATs."
- That is flipped out.

Stansbury's making a big mistake.
Most school would die to have Jessie.

I hope we can find one quick
before she gets expelled.

James, why are you
wearing a dress?

It's a toga. I just came from
an audition of "Julius Caesar."

- Did you get the part?
- Almost.

It was going well until
Mark Anthony called out,

"Caesar," and I replied,
"With or without anchovies?"

Listen, I'm starting to get an idea.

James, James...

you're about to play
your greatest role ever.

Jessie, what are
all these letters of resignation?

"Honor Society,"
"Student Council,"

the yearbook,
the radio station--

you even turned in
your hall pass. Why?

- Because it's all worthless.
- How can you say that?

It's easy. I open my mouth, move
my lips, and the words just come out.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm late for another pointless class.

- Jessie, look, I want to--
- Look, I don't want to talk.

Why don't you leave for Stansbury and get
an early start on your scholarship?

Okay, Jessie's outside with Slater.
She didn't see us.

- All set, James?
- Fully prepared.

My performance will go down
in Bayview history.

- That's Bayside.
- There too.

Harvard?
I didn't know you were here.

We weren't, until now.

I'm Helen Billingham,
from Stansbury University.

Ah, Stansbury.
(snorts)

Agricultural school, correct?
Hog breeding, that sort of thing?

Oh no, no. Not at all.

As a matter of fact, we think of ourselves
as the Harvard of the West.

Madam, North, South,
East or West, there's only one...

- Harvard!
- Of course.

Hi, I'm interested in some
information about Harvard.

Oh yes, of course.
Are you by any chance Jessica Spano?

- No--
- Then be gone! Shoo!

Did you say Jessica Spano?

Yes, I did, but not to you,
Mrs. Porkbellyham.

Zack, how nice to see you again.

Actually, I wanted to talk with
the representative from Harvard.

No use wasting your time, young man.
We're only here to see one person.

But sir, I had over 1500
on my SATs.

(laughs)
A single test,

one lucky morning.

Do you think Harvard is impressed
with that slice of academic baloney?

No! We're looking
for a straight-A student,

the student council president,
the yearbook editor,

and here at
Baydock-- view-- side!--

you have that student
all rolled into one:

Jessica Spano,
the find of the century.

...Furthermore, only a corrupt system
would allow a meathead like you

go to Stansbury while a true intellect like
me gets turned away.

Jessie, you know what?
You are right. This system stinks!

This meathead is going
to go into that gym, and tell Helen

that if Stansbury won't take you, she can
take my scholarship and stuff it!

Slater, wait, it won't help anything
if you ruin your future too!

Young man, you're not fit to shine Jessica
Spano's shoes!

Why don't you go over to
Mrs. Billygoatcheese Hamsandwich's

excuse for a university?

We don't want you at Harvard!

You're very--
As a matter of fact, we--

- Can I go,
- Yes!

Your presence is
an insult at Harvard!

- I-- I--
- Would you hurry up?

- We don't want Jessie to see you!
- Don't do anything you'll regret!

- So sorry.
- Excuse me.

- James, is that you?
- No, Jessie, it's not--

- Excuse me.
- Hi, Jessie.

- Bye, Jessie.
- What is this all about?

Come on, Mama, watch me
tell her off over here.

Excuse me, Helen.
Hi. Listen up, Helen.

- If you don't take Jessie--
- Not take Jessie?

Don't be silly!
She's our number-one choice.

- I am?
- Please excuse the way

I treated you earlier.
I hope you'll come to Stansbury.

And you just tell Harvard
they've come a long way for nothing!

- Harvard? They aren't even here.
- Oh yes, they are. And they want you.

But why travel 3,000 miles
when you can get a better education--

Excuse me. Did Harvard
have a mustache and a pipe?

Why, yes.

(all whistle)

Mrs. Billingham, is the only reason
you want me now

- because Harvard wants me too?
- They are the Stansbury of the East.

(Sighs)
You know what?

Thanks, but no thanks.

If Stansbury is
that hypocritical,

they'll have to do
without Jessica Spano.

And without AC Slater.

And it's Stansbury's loss.

Do you have any brochures
I could look at?

"Chairman of the SAT board"?

Yes, Stanley Alan Taylor, SAT.

I've come here to talk to you
about Zachary Morris.

We at the testing board
are worried sick about him.

Worried? Why?

You don't know,
you poor fool, do you?

We at the testing board
have discovered that those students

who score over 1501 on our test

are performing
terribly in college.

- They are?
- Yes.

Because unenlightened
potty-headed principals

are burning out these bright minds
with extra work.

Hopefully,
that's not happening here, is it?

See, I thought that you had
to challenge a mind like Zack's.

Precisely wrong!

Only a misguided twit...

would burden a brain like his
with extra studies.

- What should I do?
- Give him no homework.

Allow his mind to think...

freely.

That is, of course, if you care.

(sobbing)
I care.

I care!

Zack Morris, report
to the principal's office--

Sir, I just happened to be walking
by your office. What's up?

Zack, this is Mr. Taylor,

from the SAT board.

We have decided to put you back
in your old classes.

But, sir, I was enjoying
all the extra hours of homework

and bonding with nerds.

You see?!
We must move quickly.

I suggest giving him
a day or two off,

to clear his cluttered mind.
It's essential!

- He's got it!
- No, sir.

No, sir.
I love school.

No, you need time off, Zack.

- Only if you insist.
- I insist!

- Someday you'll thank me, Zack.
- Okay.

I know you have
my best interest at heart.

Thanks for that stunt with James.

We were trying to get you
back into Stansbury.

Yeah, I know.
But I don't need Stansbury anymore.

There are hundreds
of other good colleges.

- I'm sure I'll get into one of them.
- I'm sure you will too.

I made too much
out of those SATs.

I got a 1200, you got a 1500.

- It doesn't really matter, does it?
- Not one bit.

- But, Jessie, there's just one thing.
- What's that?

I got a 1502.

Here you go.

(instrumental theme music plays)