03x21 - No Hope with Dope

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low in my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Welcome to
the mid-semester blues.

Not a single vacation in sight.

Next year, I'm asking
for weekdays off.

You guys, you guys!
Johnny, limousine, now, school!

Lisa, relax, you're going
to cr*ck your make-up!

But him, hunk, here.

Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy!

What are you "oh boying" about?

Johnny Dakota,

my favorite
Hollywood hunk, he's here!

- Excuse me.
- Oh boy! Bye, girl.

I think she's a fan.

- That would've been my guess.
- Hey, Johnny Dakota.

I'm Zack Morris.
I loved you in "Skateboard High."

Thanks, guy. Could you tell me
how to get to the principal's office?

Sure. Easy.
Moon a teacher.

The principal's office is right
down the hall over there.

I'll take you, Johnny.
It's like a second home to me.

When you did the skateboarding--

Hey, sorry, guy.
You okay?

I'm fine, no thanks to you and your wanton
disregard for hallway courtesy.

Come on, no hard feelings.
Name's Johnny Dakota.

Yeah, right, and I'm Madonna!

(Zack coughs)

- This is our principal, Mr. Belding.
- Yes, may I help you?

Mr. Belding, I want you to meet
a close friend of mine -- Johnny Dakota.

Johnny, d*ck;
d*ck, Johnny.

Guys, let's rap.

Johnny Dakota? What brings a big
movie star like you to Bayside?

We're looking for a high school to tape an
anti-drug commercial for NBC TV.

Wow, NBC!

We'd like to use
some of the students in it.

- This is my director, Dean Yoblonsky.
- Yo.

It's certainly an honor
that you've selected Bayside.

Actually, Bayside was
just the first school we saw

when we got off the freeway.

Hey, freeway close!

Just one of the many advantages
here at Bayside, right, d*ck?

Good point, Zack.

We've got to look at a few other
schools after we leave here.

Wait a moment.

I can't let Johnny leave.
He's a big star.

Where there's a big star,
there's lots of beautiful girls.

I gotta act fast.

Well, Johnny, that's the school.

Unless you want to go by the cafeteria
again for some more good eating.

Thanks, Mr. Belding, but I'm
still full from the Salisbury steak.

That wasn't steak.
That was tapioca pudding.

So, shall I tell the students you'll
sh**t the commercial here at Bayside?

I still haven't decided,
Mr. Belding.

Oh yeah? Then, let us help you.
Come on, guys.

Hey, Bayside,
tell them who you are.

(rap music playing)

Here we go!

♪ We're Bayside students
and we're no fools ♪

♪ We don't use dr*gs
'cause it's just not cool ♪

- ♪ So if you get the offer ♪
- ♪ Make sure you refuse ♪

♪ When it comes to dr*gs,
just don't use! ♪

Do we have
school spirit or what?

That was pretty impressive.

Spirit is not all we have
here at Bayside.

As class president
and school newspaper editor,

- let me tell you more about Bayside.
- Sure.

Is he here?
Is Johnny Dakota here?

He might be sh**ting
an anti-drug commercial at Bayside.

No way. He's my favorite actor
in the whole world!

Really? I'll introduce you.
We're buds.

No, I can't.
I'd be too embarrassed.

He's a big movie star.
What do I say?

It's no big deal.
Just talk to him, girl.

I almost did.

You see, Bayside is not
only strong academically,

but everyone here
loves your movies.

Gentlemen,
is Bayside your choice?

Yo!

- All: Yeah!
- I'm still not sure.

Johnny, I want to introduce you
to our head cheerleader,

- Kelly Kapowski.
- Hi.

Hello.

Mr. Belding, I definitely
want to sh**t at Bayside.

- All right!
- Yeah!

This storyboard will show you
how we sh**t the commercial.

This is so neat!

Are you really going to pick students
to be in the commercial?

Yeah, and as far as I'm concerned,
you already have the part.

Me?

- Really?
- Yeah.

In fact, this is you here.

Except I'd say
you have a few more curves.

Cut it out!

I bet you have
a lot of boyfriends.

Well, not a lot.

- How many?
- Well...

- none.
- Really?

You know, I don't have
a girlfriend either.

Oh boy!

Where have you been? I'm almost out
of doorknobs touched by Johnny.

Don't worry, Zack, I've got one pair of
sunglasses complete with Johnny sweat.

All right!

Hot off the set,
new Johnny Dakota props!

- Come and get them!
- Lisa: Items? Let me see!

I have here an actual pair of sunglasses
worn by Johnny Dakota.

Whoo, Lisa, if you look closely,
you can see an eyelash.

I've got to have them!

- But I'm broke.
- Sorry, Lisa.

Cash only.

Don't make me hurt you.

Take it, take it.
It's yours.

Lucky for you, I'm a lady.

Get your Johnny Dakota
souvenirs!

Johnny souvenirs?

Exploiting our guest, Zack?

- We have a date in my office.
- A date in your office, sir?

Actually, I prefer
the drive-in movie.

Zack, you are in deep trouble.

You are not supposed
to be making money off of Johnny!

It's okay, Mr. Belding.
I gave Zack the okay

as long as the profits go
to the Teen Drug Foundation.

- Right, Zack?
- Uh...

right, right.
Didn't I mention that?

Oh.

Well, in that case, keep buying, kids!
It's for a good cause!

- Thanks, Johnny.
- It's okay.

You remind me a lot
of someone I knew in high school.

- Really? Who?
- Me.

I leased the school parking lot
to a Chevy dealer on the weekends.

Here. See what you can
get for this.

Hey, I'm gonna
keep this for myself.

Hey, Slater, admit it,
the guy is cool.

Why, because of his Hollywood hype?
He's no different than anyone else.

Hey, we all put pants on
one leg at a time.

We do?

(sniffs)

I smell pot.
You smell it?

Yeah.

Hey, look, it's a roach.

Slater, don't let it get away.
My pet roach Herbert needs a wife!

Someone's been getting
stoned in the bathroom.

Great! And we're about
to sh**t an anti-drug spot.

If Johnny finds out,
it'll blow the whole commercial.

Don't let him see--

What's going on here, guys?

- This isn't your joint.
- We don't mess with that stuff.

- We just found it.
- I believe you.

- (exhales deeply)
- I want to use you guys in the spot.

- Really?
- Cool!

Absolutely. I need guys like you
to help me get the message out.

- Both: Hey, deal!
- We better get rid of this thing.

- I told you he was a great guy.
- He's okay.

- See you, Johnny.
- Oh man.

Okay, where's the roach?
Herbert wants to meet his bride to be.

Sorry, Screech, we flushed her.

- Sorry.
- You murderers!

You've committed insecticide!

Guys, I'd like to hear
what you think about dr*gs.

- Screech, you go first.
- I hate dr*gs.

But my doctor says
I got to keep taking them

if I want to get rid
of my post-nasal drip.

Screech, he's talking about illegal dr*gs,
like pot, cocaine...

I don't know anything about those.
One Twinkie, and I'm out of control!

See, that's an honest answer.

Dumb, but honest.

You want to know about dumb?

My brother used dr*gs to get high
and drive to the beach.

Now I have to drive him.
He's in a wheelchair.

That kind of thing
happens a lot.

Remember Len Bias,
the basketball star?

Had everything,
including cocaine.

One night, he had too much
and his heart stopped.

It's a shame too.
He could have been great.

Same thing happened
to John Belushi.

- dr*gs wreck a lot of lives.
- I just don't get it.

- I don't know why people do it.
- I had a problem with dr*gs

that were legal.

I got hooked on caffeine pills,
so I could stay up and study.

Not only did I hurt myself,
I hurt my friends.

This is really good stuff.

I'll go find Dean so
we can put it down on tape.

Hey, yo, Dean!

Hey, Blaze, let's roll! The Leathershack
has a special on dog collars.

- I want to get one for my mother.
- Keep your chains on, Scud,

- I'm working on something here.
- Oh. Oh.

Hey, I'll be in the bathroom
giving some nerd a mohawk!

You guys, wasn't Scud leaving
the bathroom when we found that joint?

That's right.
I think we found our pothead.

All right, pally, up against the wall.
Citizen's arrest!

- You have the right to remain silent--
- Relax. He's smoking a cigarette.

You have the right
to punch my face in.

However, any bones you break will be used
against you in a court of law.

(growls)

Chill out, Scud.
We thought you were smoking pot.

- I'm not that stupid!
- Oh yeah?

This can k*ll you too, genius.

Tell us about the pot
we found in here yesterday.

I don't know anything
about any pot!

I don't know why,
but I believe him.

Look, Scud, we're sorry.

I guess we just got misguided
by your thug-like exterior.

It happens.

I can't believe I'm sharing
french fries with Johnny Dakota.

- Hey, we could've had a hamburger.
- You know what I mean.

One week ago, I had
this huge crush on a movie star--

- You had a crush on me?
- No, Tom Cruise.

Gotcha!

Lisa, why do I have to come along
if you want to meet Johnny?

Because with you by my side,
it will be easier for me to talk to him.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Johnny, Lisa would like to ask you
a few questions for her gossip column.

- Sure. sh**t, Lisa.
- Thanks.

So, Johnny, what are--
(stammers)

Okay.

What I mean is, how do you--
(laughs)

Jessie, ask the questions
for me, please.

Pretty please, do it, Jessie.
Thank you.

Lisa would rather
I ask the questions instead.

(softly)
I can't ask these.

- Do it.
- Okay.

"Do you sleep in pajamas?"

"Do you kiss on a first date?"
"Will you marry me?"

No, yes, and maybe.

- (gasps)
- That is, if Kelly turns me down.

Johnny, stop. Lisa, don't write that.
That's personal.

Hey, Johnny, I need a favor.

Mr. Belding is driving me crazy to get an
autographed picture for his wife.

Not a problem.

- What should I write?
- I got it right here.

Okay.

"Dear Mrs. B,

You're lucky to be married
to such a buff-looking hunk."

- Is he for real?
- I'm afraid so.

- Thanks, Johnny.
- No problem.

I want to invite you to a party
at my house tonight.

In fact, everyone's invited.

- Hey!
- All right!

Wow! My first Hollywood party.
I wonder if the Simpsons will be there.

(pop music playing)

I have never seen so many
great-looking girls

in one room
in my whole entire life!

Get used to it.
You're going to be here a lot more.

Johnny, your place is beautiful.

Especially with you here.

Johnny,
we've been in town a week.

- You haven't come by.
- We've missed you, baby.

I've been a little busy.
This is Kelly.

Martha, Ingrid.

Let me introduce you
to my newest co-star

- Zack Morris.
- Co-star!

Hey, Johnny, can't wait
to start sh**ting tomorrow.

Tsk!

Hey, Preppie, why don't you

introduce me to
your two friends? Wink, wink.

- Sure. Girls, this is AC Slater...
- Ladies.

...my driver.

Shouldn't he
be waiting in the car?

Oh yes.

Jessie, guess
who I just danced with!

- Who?
- Storm Sutherland!

Storm Sutherland?!
I just danced with Luke Diamond.

Luke Diamond?!
Can you believe this?

Both: No!

- Aren't you glad we came?
- Both: Yes!

Hey, Screech, why are you
dressed like that?

Johnny gave me some clothes
to wear while mine dry.

I had a little accident
with the avocado dip.

I can tell. There's still
guacamole in your ear.

- Hey there.
- Hi.

Did anybody ever tell you
you look like Johnny?

A lot of people
make that mistake.

Actually, I'm his stunt double.

- Your arms are so firm.
- That's my elbow. I work out.

(clears throat)

Let's move over here
before we catch this guy's cold.

Did you do that stunt
in "Freeway Warrior"

where you jumped
out of the exploding car?

Do it? Ha! It was my idea!

Watch, I'll show you.

Oh no, the car is on fire!

(screams)

Screech:
Slater, I need your help!

I think it's my back.

- Oh man, you're hurt.
- Better take you back home.

- Good idea.
- Kelly, you can't leave yet.

I'm sure these guys can
take care of Screech.

Oh yeah, you stay, Kelly,
I'm all partied out.

(screams)

We'll help you.

Yeah, we might as well leave.
Our hunks have already split.

Hey, Slater, I'll help you
get him to the car.

Hey, Johnny, I'll be right back.

Bye! Have a nice time!

Thanks for staying, Kelly.

Just wouldn't have been much
of a party without you here.

Man: Hey, Johnny!

- Hey, guy!
- You got some good stuff here.

Thanks, man.

Here, Kel, take a hit.

Come on, Kelly, it's only pot.

- I don't think I want to.
- Uh-oh, Johnny,

looks like she's
"just saying no."

(crowd laughs)

Hey, guys, I'm back.

- What's going on?
- Nothing, Zack, let's go home.

Stay! It's early.
Hey, Zack, want a hit?

You smoke pot?

Yeah, sure.
Who doesn't?

- I don't.
- I don't either.

Come on.
Are you serious?

Yeah, we're serious.
Come on. Let's get out of here.

Hey, today is the big day. Did you brush
your teeth for those close-ups?

- Johnny, we've got to talk.
- We'll talk later. No time. We've got--

sh**ting this commercial doesn't seem
right after what happened last night.

- It was a great party, wasn't it?
- Come on, you know what I mean.

Come on, give me a break.

- It was just a little pot.
- How can you smoke pot last night

- and tell them not to do it today?
- What I do at home is my business.

- Come on, buddy, lighten up.
- And I thought you were real cool.

A million other kids still do,
but you know what?

- We were wrong.
- What do you want from me?

- Don't do this commercial.
- Forget it, friend.

No...

I'm not your friend.

All right, guys, let's go!

Let's make some Bayside history!

Hey, Dean, here's your star.

- So did you talk to Johnny?
- Yeah, but he wouldn't listen to me.

Okay, hold the talk. Places, people.
We've got a spot to sh**t.

Come on, Zack.
You're over here beside me.

Sorry... I can't do this.

- Me neither.
- I'm with them.

You know, when I wanted
to talk to you, I couldn't.

Now that I can, I don't want to.

Ditto for me, bub.

Tonight, all my Johnny Dakota
action figures become lawn mulch.

Hey, hey, hey,
what is going on here?

Let them go.
We'll just give the lines to Kelly.

Goodbye, Johnny.

Fine!

I don't need this aggravation.

In fact,
I don't need your school!

- I'm out of here!
- Johnny, don't leave!

We just felt it was wrong
to be a part of his lie, sir.

We weren't just
thinking of ourselves.

Bayside's integrity
would have been compromised.

You did the right thing.
I am very proud of you guys.

I guess this means NBC won't be
sh**ting the commercial here.

- Bummer.
- Hold on a minute.

I know somebody at NBC
that just might be able to help us.

Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff,
chairman of NBC Entertainment,

and I've got a hit idea
for the new fall season:

Don't do dr*gs.

There's no hope with dope.

Cut!
That was great!

Brandon, thanks for letting us
do the commercial.

The least I could do
for the man who changed my life.

- Get out of here.
- It's true!

How could Mr. Belding have
possibly changed your life?

Well, I'll tell you.

When we were growing up together,
I wanted to go into show business,

and Brandon wanted to be
a high school principal.

Back then, d*ck and I
were chasing

after the same girl --
Becky Floogelman.

d*ck won her. She was the school
superintendent's daughter.

He got to become the principal,

and I had to settle
for running NBC.

It worked out great
for both of us.

Maybe for you.
I don't get the summers off.

Besides, I really envy you being
around these great kids all the time.

Come back and visit any time.

You know, maybe
there's something here.

Maybe at NBC, we should do a sitcom
about a school principal and his kids.

Really?

Nah, it'll never work.

- Playback coming over the monitors.
- Let's watch.

(beeping)

Dumb.

Stupid.

Crazy.

Dangerous.

Stinks.

In one word, would I use dope?

Nope.

These kids are right.

dr*gs will hurt your mind,
your body and your life.

Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff,
chairman of NBC Entertainment,

and I've got a hit idea
for the new fall season:

Don't do dr*gs.

There's no hope with dope.

(instrumental theme music plays)