03x26 - Mystery Weekend

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the comer just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low in my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ Its all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

(doorbell rings)

(rings)

Come in,

come in,

- come in.
- Check it out!

(lisping) Good evening,
young sirs and madams.

Welcome to a weekend
of mystery and m*rder.

Aw, you don't scare me.

- (roars)
- (whimpers)

Wow, I've never been
in a mansion before.

Yeah!
Look at this suit of armor.

Welcome to Knockwood Manor.

I am your host,
Steven Jameson III.

And I am your guest,
Zack Morris the only.

Which one of your is
our radio contest winner?

- Here she is, lucky Lisa.
- Lucky nothing.

I dialed so many times,
I broke a nail.

Well, congratulations, Lisa.

I hope you will all enjoy
our m*rder mystery weekend.

- I'm sure we will.
- So, let's get on with it.

So where's the corpse,
where's the body?

- She just walked in.
- Hell-ooo!

She looks pretty cute
for a dead chick.

I'm sure you will all enjoy
playing detective

as our m*rder mystery unfolds.

Ladies and gentlemen,
now that we've all met,

beware that as the hours pass,

someone here is going to die.

And it could be you!

Save me, Slater!
I'm too cute to die.

Can we choose the victim?

The first person to solve
the mystery will win the $500 prize.

(crowd murmurs)

But remember,
if you are to survive,

you must suspect everyone
and trust no one.

(thunders)

How'd he do that?

Enough funeral music.

Play something we can dance to.

I'll play what I want, Pops.

Be careful
who you call Pops, Sonny.

Yeah, I'm the only one
who can call him Pops, you wimp.

Thank you, my love.

Will I be seeing you
later tonight?

Perhaps oui.
Perhaps non.

I hope non for him
and oui for me.

Your ginger ale, cola,

and mango tonic
with a kiwi twist.

Thank you.

- Lisa, you're going to drink that?
- No way, girl.

I'm just going to carry it around.
It matches my outfit.

Your drink, sir.

Ladies, why aren't you mingling?

Let me introduce you
to our pianist.

Jeanette, are we on a break?

Oh, poof!

Sit, Miss Spano. I'm sure
Victor will play anything you desire.

For you my beauty, I'd play
the Minute Waltz in 30 seconds.

(playing quickly)

Oh!

Oh, I would like to apologize.

And I would like to rip off
your little French nose.

Pardonnez-moi?!

Victor, take my drink.

Jeanette, get me
another drink, quickly!

You know, smoking is really bad
for your health.

And our health too.
Secondary smoke is deadly.

I hate to say I told you so.

All right!
Somebody is finally dead.

You're so insensitive, Zack.

How'd he die?
How'd he die?

Well, he grabbed his throat
before he croaked so--

Oh, he strangled
himself to death.

Hello, boys. I've come
to turn down the beds.

I turned down the bed too.
The floor is much better for your back.

I'd like to make you
more comfortable.

May I fluff your pillow?

Oh, fluff away!

- The maid's really hot for Zack.
- Come on, Screech.

It's only a game.
She's just acting.

Good thing, too.
She's a lousy maid.

Ooh-la-la, Zachary,
you are so adorable.

Dinner will be served shortly.

But I see you're already
having dessert.

Oh, poof.
Au revoir, mon petit.

Why must you t*rture me so?

You'd better be careful,
Preppie.

- The last guy she liked wound up dead.
- I know, but what a way to go.

Yeah.

There's nothing like a good m*rder
to bring out my appetite.

Yo, Bart-man, when do we eat?

Dinner shall be served
promptly at 7:00.

Relax, fellas.
It's almost 7:00.

That's a nice watch, Lisa.
Is it new?

My daddy gave it to me, but he won't
find out until he gets his Visa bill.

No one touch a thing.

- Screech, what are you doing?
- Elementary, my dear Zacky boy.

Sherlock Screech,
at your disposal.

I was thrown at first,
but now I know who did it.

The stable boy.

There is no stable, you dork.

Ah, then the dog lied.

Please, be seated.
Dinner is about to be served.

The police should arrive
by the time we finished.

You know, I think the maid
m*rder*d the piano player.

She brought him
that poisoned drink.

- But she spilled that drink on you.
- That's right.

Then Mr. Jameson gave
the piano player his drink.

So the poison was meant
for Mr. Jameson.

Then whoever poured Jameson's
drink must be the k*ller.

- Yeah, but who poured the drink?
- Water, sir?

No, thanks.
Trying to quit.

Bartholomew,
you may serve dinner now.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me,
I'll just be a moment.

Don't drink that!

It might be poisoned.

You're right.
You drink it.

Tastes fine to me.
I'll live.

All: Darn!

(glass clinks)

Mr. Jameson,
I know who the k*ller is.

Really? Do tell.

You see, the m*rder*r
was jealous

because the piano player
had a thing for the maid,

the one woman he couldn't have.

- Then you mean it's--
-Yes.

The person who poisoned the drink
is the person who served it.

The butler did it.

Dinner is served.

Care to take
another "s*ab" at it?

I could have sworn
Bart was the k*ller.

Don't feel bad, Zack.
So you're not a detective.

You're still so very blond,
mon cher.

Monsieur Jameson,

I have brought
Inspector Picadilly from the Yard.

Thank you so very much, Jeanette.
Now would you please make some tea?

(huffs)

- Good evening, Inspector--
- Quiet, Jameson.

There's work to be done.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm!

Mm-hmm...

Where were you
when the butler was stabbed?

I'm-- I'm-- I'm innocent,
I tell ya!

I didn't do it.
I'm innocent!

All right, I confess.
I did it!

You didn't do anything,
you twink.

- Sir, we were all in the dining room.
- All of us except for the maid.

(clears throat, chuckles)

No...

Tell me, who was the last person
with the piano player?

Oh-- well, I was.

Until the maid
spilled her drink on me.

All: The maid!!!

Too obvious.

No, it wasn't the maid.

The real m*rder*r is--

Picadilly: Aargh!

I don't believe this. Now we'll
never know who the k*ller is.

But he just told us.

All we have to do is find out
whose real name is "Aaargh."

My necklace! Someone has stolen
my diamond necklace.

- What?!
- That's not part of the script.

- You mean this isn't part of the game?
- No!

Someone must have stolen
Mrs. Bankhead's necklace.

(metal crashes, woman screams)

Zack: Jeanette,
are you okay?

Yes, but I dropped the tea

because this floor
is so slippery.

(all sigh)

So our jewel thief
is also a floor waxer.

- I don't like what's going on--
- Look out!!!

Are you all right, Mr. Jameson?
You were almost the next victim.

- Come on, it was planned.
- No, that was not part of the game.

Lisa, thank you
for saving my life.

(murmuring)

- Oh, it was no big deal.
- No big deal?

Another inch and you
would've had a free nose job.

You mean I could've been k*lled?

- This is getting out of hand.
- You're right.

I'm afraid that I'm going
to have to end the game.

What about my necklace?

I think that's best left
to the real police.

- So what do we do now?
- Are you kidding?

We get out of here, b*at it,
scram, skedaddle, vamoose--

Thanks.

He needed that!

I'm still a little shaky.
Can you help me upstairs?

Lisa, why don't you and Zack
stop by my office before you leave

and I'll see that you get vouchers
for another weekend.

- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.

Mr. Jameson, since
I did make the best guess,

don't you think I should get
part of that prize money?

I think getting out of here alive is
more important than the prize money.

Good point.

- Well, I'm all packed.
- Aren't you guys finished yet?

- I'll be done in a second.
- Will you hurry up?

There is a real k*ller
on the loose.

Let's get out of here!

- (screams) Zack!
- What's wrong?

I thought I saw somebody
at the window.

Lisa, we're on the second floor.

A-ha! So, our floor-waxing
jewel thief must be very tall.

Screech, you're an idiot.

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little jumpy.

I'll help Zack with his stuff.

- Why don't you guys go load the car?
- I'll wait for you, my darling.

We can share a seatbelt.

Zack, I am so embarrassed.

Oh, that's all right.

We're all a little scared.

Wait, we forgot the vouchers.

Why don't you go down and get them
and I'll just finish packing?

- Are you sure you'll be okay alone?
- Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks.

- (zack chuckles)
- Go ahead.

Lock the door
on your way out, please.

Sure, I'll double-lock it.

Keep Screech out too.

(lock clicks)

- (knock on door)
- Come in.

Mr. Jameson,
I came by for the--

Hey, what happened?
It looks like my gym locker.

It was like this when I got here.
Someone was after the prize money.

Wow. Well, I hope
you're getting out of here too.

I am, as soon as I give you
your vouchers.

Thanks. I hope
everything turns out okay.

Good luck.

(Jameson screams)

Mr. Jameson?

(chuckles)

That was a good one!

Mr. Jameson, come out,
come out, wherever you are.

Mr. Jameson.

Mr. Jameson?

Oh boy.

What happened?

Mr. Jameson was here a minute ago,
then he sort of vanished.

- What are you doing here?
- I thought you were packing.

Lisa's packing. I came to get
these vouchers for a free weekend.

Free?
I do not think so.

Monsieur Jameson is so cheap,
he steals towels from his own hotel.

No, really, look.

These aren't vouchers.
This is money.

- Slater: Money?
- How did that get in there?

You stole the prize money.

You're a thief and a m*rder*r!

I'm calling the real police.

- Jeanette--
- Screech: Zack, why did you do it?

- If you needed money, I'd have--
- Shut up, Screech!

This is ridiculous.
I didn't k*ll anybody.

(scoffs)
Tell it to the judge.

(thunders)

- I didn't k*ll Mr. Jameson!
- Why'd you take the money?

- I didn't.
- Where'd you dump the body?

- I didn't.
- Did you think you'd get away with it?

No, I didn't!
I didn't do anything.

Take it easy, Darren.
He's just a kid.

This whole thing is a set-up.
I just came here to play a stupid game.

As soon as Mr. Jameson disappeared,
it stopped being a game.

Yes, and I want
my necklace back!

I am not a crook.
Just ask my friends.

All right, we will.

Just what kind of a person
is Zack Morris?

He's the most honest
person I know.

Well, unless you count the time
he sold fake IDs at school.

But his mom grounded him
for that!

Zack's never really done
anything wrong.

Except the time he kind of,
sort of stole our principal's car.

But he gave it back!

I know Zack pretty well
and the last think he would do is steal.

Although there was that one time
where he kidnapped Valley's mascot.

But they deserved it.

Zack's my best friend. I've written down
everything we've done together.

Let's see,
"September 12th, 1986--"

that was the day he tied me
to the roller-coaster tracks.

- Remember that one, Zack?
- Oh yeah, you're a real sweetheart.

- Forgery, auto theft, kidnapping--
- Don't forget attempted m*rder.

As soon as I get out of jail,
I'm going to m*rder you.

Wait until Lisa gets here.
She'll tell you--

Lisa! Jameson told her
about the vouchers too.

- She'll tell you what really happened.
- Well, then let's go find Lisa.

Lisa, tell these guys
about the vouchers.

- Lisa?
- She's not here, Preppie.

I can see that, Slater!

Look, I locked the door
from the outside.

No, no, no, see, what I mean is,
she couldn't have gotten out.

Oh, so poof!
She just vanished, hm?

"Oh, so poof!"
I don't know.

- Poor Lisa.
- Oh, Zack.

I'm telling you, I left her here
packing my suitcase.

Looks like
she didn't get very far.

Hello? What's this?

My necklace!
Thank goodness.

Ouch!

How did that get in there?

Zack, I'm afraid we're going
to have to search you.

Oh sure, go ahead.
Search me.

Do you think you'll find
Lisa hiding in my shirt pocket?

Nice watch.

A little dainty for you,
though, ain't it?

- That's Lisa's watch.
- Zack! You fiend!

You've m*rder*d my future wife!

- Lisa would never marry you.
- Oh sure, now!

You guys are nuts.
I'm telling you I've been framed.

We'll see. For now,
everybody stay in your rooms.

Stay in my room?
With that cold-blooded butcher?!

Relax, Screech.
I'll protect you.

Aw, Slater, I knew you cared.

Zack, if you go to jail,
I'll visit you every Sunday.

Gee, thanks a bunch!

So how'd you do it, Zack?
Did you poison her lipstick?

Whoa. Down, boy!
Chill out, guys.

Something really weird
is going on here.

We've got to figure out
how Lisa got out of this room.

- We?
- I'm serious.

How could she get out
without the key?

Both the door and the windows
were locked.

Maybe there's a secret passage.

Give me a break.
A secret passage?

Like if I turn this candle here,
the wall is going to open up!

- There is a secret passage!
- I knew it all along.

- Screech, you go first.
- Yeah, go ahead.

- No, it's dark in there.
- You go first. Come on.

- No, no!
- Go on!

Slater: Come on,
my suit is getting all-- ugh!

Where are we?

Hey, it's Jameson's office.

It's too bright. They might see us.
k*ll the lights.

Haven't you done
enough k*lling already?

It looks like somebody
had a party in here.

Yeah, would you look at that?

Zack:
Drinks and a cigarette.

But who?

I don't know,
but one of them left naked.

No. But someone did
change their clothes.

And I know who.
(chuckles)

Guys, why don't you get
everyone together?

- I'm going to solve this mystery.
- (thunders)

What's this all about, Morris?

We haven't got time
for any more of your games.

- Maybe just one more.
- Let's play Monopoly.

I get the thimble.

Just give me a chance,
and I'll prove I'm innocent.

Let's hear him out.

You see, it all ties together.

After the butler and the piano
player were m*rder*d,

the k*ller knew we were close,

so he stole the necklace
and rigged the battleaxe.

Hey, leave Mrs. Bankhead
out of this.

But the k*ller couldn't have planted
the watch and necklace on me

without an accomplice.

Right... Lisa?

(giggles)
Hi, guys.

Lisa, even dead,
you're beautiful.

- Lisa was in on it?
- Nice going, Zack.

- How'd you figure it out?
- I knew how you got out of the bedroom

when we found
the secret passage.

But I didn't know why

until we went to Mr. Jameson's
office and found this.

You see, only Lisa Turtle drinks
a mango tonic with a kiwi twist.

That's right,
but she wasn't drinking alone.

That's right.
She was drinking with the k*ller.

- But, there's lipstick on that glass.
- So the k*ller must be a woman.

Then Jameson was there with Lisa
and the other woman.

That's what the k*ller
wanted us to think.

I found one of Mr. Jameson's
cigarettes with lipstick on it.

So, either Jameson gave
the other woman a cigarette,

- or Jameson is the other woman.
- (gasps)

I give you our m*rder*r.

Brilliant, Zack!

You figured out that
the game never stopped.

Yep, and I'll take
that prize money now.

Not so fast,
my impetuous friend.

You've done well,
but I'll take it from here.

There's nothing left
to figure out, dork.

Oh.

Yes, there is.

Mr. Jameson couldn't
have k*lled the inspector

and stolen the necklace
at the same time.

He must have had
a second accomplice.

You know, the geek was right.

The butler did do it!

You rang, sir?

And let's see who
you really are, mademoiselle.

Ow!

Oops!

Come back here!

(instrumental theme music plays)