03x15 - Team Mom

[bunniefuu]

Uh-oh.

Charlie's in a time-out.

What'd she do? She tried to give your baby brother to the mailman.

Mm-hmm.

Even put a stamp on his forehead.

Wait a minute, didn't PJ try to mail me? Yes, and you tried to mail Gabe, and Gabe tried to mail Charlie.

See, these are the sweet family memories you just don't get with e-mail.

Mm.

Okay.

Charlie, have you learned your lesson? No.

Close enough.

Get outta here.

Go go go.

Uh Oh.

Um By the way, I was on your school website this morning, and I noticed that your volleyball team needs a team mom.

Don't tell me you're thinking about calling.

Called.

But you're You're not doing it, right? Doing it.

Mom! Don't you think we should have had a conversation about this? Just did.

( Sighs ) ( Laughs ) What are you smiling about? It'll be your turn next.

( Rock music playing ) Today's all burnt toast running late and Dad jokes.

"Has anybody seen my left shoe?" I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud.

There it is up on the roof.

I've been there, I survived.

So just take my advice.

Hang in there, baby things are crazy.

But I know your future's bright.

Hang in there, baby, there's no maybe.

Everything turns out all right.

Sure life is up and down.

But trust me, it comes back around.

You're gonna love who you turn out to be.

Hang in there, baby.

Hey, Teddy.

I'm a fragrance technician at Bimbel's.

- Fragrance technician.

- Mm-hmm.

Basically, I hold up a bottle of cologne and do this CHH.

Very different from when I used to work at Kwikki-Chikki, where I did this ( Imitates clunking ) And this ( Whooshing ) And sometimes this ( Imitates squeaking ) Oh.

Now you try this.

Zip.

This is baseball.

Not my favorite sport, but when I get to watch it, I get three hours all to myself.

( Cooing ) - Hey, dad.

- Yeah? There's something we need to talk about.

Oh, no.

Do I have to call my lawyer? My insurance guy? Please don't say both.

Don't worry.

You don't have to call anybody.

Besides, trouble making was more tween Gabe's thing.

I'm teen Gabe now.

Well welcome Sir, we've uh Been nervously expecting you.

All right.

So, here's the thing.

Tomorrow, I need your help because I have a date.

Nice.

So, who's the girl? Her name's Emma.

She's new at our school.

Okay, so because she doesn't know you, she agreed to go out with you.

- Exactly.

- Yeah.

Okay.

So, here's the plan.

You pick us up, you take us to the theater, and you sit as far away from us as possible.

Questions? Can I speak to her? Uh, yes.

I have taken the liberty of preparing some small talk for you.

( Sighs ) "Hello.

" "I'm Bob.

" "Good-bye.

" You know, now that I'm hearing it out loud We may not need "I'm Bob.

" Hey, Emmett.

How's the road trip to Death Valley? You ran out of gas? That can't be good.

Vultures? That can't be good.

Emmett.

Dude, Emmett.

You're not gonna believe this.

I think the clown moved out because there's a really cute girl in that apartment.

Well, you can't call dibs! We're not even sure if you're coming back.

Sorry, dude.

I'm making my move.

Yeah.

Up, and down.

Up, and down.

Up And down.

I hear this movie is pretty good.

Yeah, me too.

( Chuckles ) ( Gabe's voice ) Yeah, me too? That's all you got? I should have written out some cards for myself.

Oh.

Great, thanks.

My daughter's on a date with a kid And I'm keeping an eye on them.

You know what? I think that's my kid she's on the date with.

( Laughs ) - Bob Duncan.

- Randy Schleebee, how you doing? I'm good.

Have some popcorn.

Hmm? Thanks.

Have all the popcorn.

Whoa.

Salty.

Yuck.

Root beer.

My bad.

Oh, it's starting.

( Sighs ) Man, I can't believe we lost again.

What do you think the problem is? The other team scored more points than us.

- Um, I have an idea.

- Mm! Nope.

Mom, remember we made an agreement.

As team mom, you can only answer questions about snacks and schedules.

We even put this in writing.

Well, if she gives advice as awesomely as she slices oranges, maybe she's got something.

I like this girl.

Okay, ladies.

Listen up.

I've got a story for you.

Oh, just so long as it's not one of your college stories.

- When I was in college - Here we go.

I played hockey for the Southwest Denver Community College Lady Icers.

We'd lost 10 games in a row.

But all that was about to change the night that we played our arch rival, the Northeast Pueblo Community College Lady Checkers.

This is time you're never gonna get back.

Now, because of a terrible blizzard, we had to stay in a motel.

Best thing that ever happened to us.

We all got to know each other and we really bonded.

And you know what happened at the next game? No, but I'm on the edge of my seat.

One of their players tripped me from behind And our entire team jumped that girl and cross-checked the daylights out of her.

Ba-bam! It was so touching.

To recap, your advice is that we att*ck someone? Well, not at first.

No no no.

I'm saying that you invite the team over for a slumber party.

- So you guys can all bond.

- I love parties.

And I just got a new sleeping bag! Okay, you are way too perky.

Looks like we're having a sleepover.

Yes, in my new sleeping bag! Seriously, just dial it down.

( Sighs ) - What a day.

- What a day.

- She sat so close.

- He sat so close.

- Our hands touched.

- Our hands touched! Wait, what are you talking about? Emma's dad.

What a total nightmare.

I never want to see him again.

Dad, who says you have to? Just because I'm hanging out with Emma doesn't mean that, you have to do stuff with her dad.

Really? I don't think Randy feels the same way.

What do you mean? Because he wrote his phone number on my hand.

Home.

And cell.

Hey.

- I'm Molly.

- I'm PJ.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

I didn't know I was living across from a doctor.

Oh, you are? I was talking about you.

I saw your coat.

( Chuckles ) Oh.

Oh, you think It's so impressive that someone so young could be a doctor.

I've worked really hard.

So what's your specialty? My specialty? I uh Make people smell better.

Oh, so you're an ear, nose, and throat guy? Mostly nose.

I'd say it's 50% nose, 30% ear, 30% throat.

That's 110%.

That's just how much I give.

So what do you do, Molly? Oh, uh, I'm a college student.

Well, it was nice meeting you, PJ.

You know, actually Um.

I, uh I'm cooking dinner tonight if you want to come over.

The diagnosis is meatloaf.

Hey, girls.

How's the bonding going? ( Muttering ) Okay.

I see what the problem is.

Put your phones in the basket.

Good.

Dump it.

In.

Aw, man.

Teddy.

Vonnie, you too.

- What if my boyfriend calls? - You have a boyfriend now? Here.

Okay, girls.

Forget about your phones.

- ( Phone beeps ) - ( Gasps ) Okay, everybody.

We're gonna do a bonding exercise.

Now get up, get over there, form a circle.

Let's go.

Hustle, hustle.

Get a move on.

Okay.

Reach in the circle and grab two hands.

Now the goal here is to untie the knot without letting go.

It's very difficult, but if you work together, you'll see how easy it is.

Go.

- Ow.

Ow.

- Turn this way.

- No, the other way! - Ow.

Ow, watch it! Get your butt out of my face! Get your face out of my butt.

( Groans ) You girls have got to learn to work together.

Okay, I need a volunteer.

Teddy.

Everyone form a circle around Teddy.

Come on.

Now, you're going to close your eyes and make your body stiff and straight.

And then you're going to lean into the circle.

Now, you're gonna feel like you're falling, but you're not because your teammates are going to keep you upright.

There we go.

Now we're working together.

Good.

How you doing, Teddy? - You know, actually pretty good.

- Good.

( Cell phone rings ) Aah! I have to have a phone, I'm a mom.

( Doorbell rings ) Hi, Gabe.

Emma.

I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for ice cream.

- Sure.

- Why not make it a foursome? Hey.

Hey, you know where I live now.

Come on, Bobbo.

We had so much fun this afternoon it'd be a crime not to keep the party going.

Yeah Oh, whoa.

Come on, Gabe.

A little help? You smell like flowers.

Oh, you You know what? What am I thinking? I can't go anywhere, I got two little ones I gotta take care of.

I hear you, Bobsled.

That's a cry for help.

So I'm staying right here with you.

Maybe we can just have ice cream here.

Looks like the party's staying home, Bobcat.

As you can tell, I've been thinking of some nicknames for you.

So you think of some names for me.

Oh, I am.

Okay, we are going to do another bonding exercise.

Everyone find a partner.

Okay, good.

Now I want each of you to tell your partner one thing you like about her And one thing you don't.

By the end of this, we're all gonna be very close.

( Crying ) ( Whining ) Oh yeah? Yeah, my head's too big? Well, your head is too small! I am not over dramatic! She said over dramatically.

Oh, wait a sec.

My bad.

( Chuckles ) This is actually really funny.

Um, this is not a bonding exercise.

No.

We did this in my acting class to break down our emotions.

I feel so worthless! Well, as you can see, it's very effective.

You know what, Vonnie? You're even meaner than Coach Hammerstone! Oh, please.

Nobody's meaner than that diphthong.

- Yeah, the worst.

- I hate him.

- We don't like the coach? - Hate him.

And I like everybody.

Well Well, that's it.

The best thing any team can bond over A common enemy.

Grab your coats.

Wait.

What about the slumber party? Oh, don't worry.

After we humiliate the coach, we'll all come back here and get in our jammies.

If there's one thing I've learned from all my years of doctoring It's that sticks and stones can break your bones.

- Good to know.

- Mm-hmm.

You know who used to live in your apartment, Molly? A clown.

Oh, right.

Patches.

I'm subletting from him.

He's working on a cruise ship.

Boats and clowns.

Ugh, two of my biggest fears.

Actually my biggest fear Would be a boat full of spiders Driven by a clown.

Okay.

So, shall we retire to the Over there? Hey, can I ask you something? Sure.

I fell off my bike and scraped my elbow.

I think it might be infected.

- Would you take a look? - Oh, um.

I'm ear, nose, and throat.

You need more of a wrist, elbow, armpit guy.

Still.

You are a doctor, right? Got me there.

Okay.

Let's take a look.

Ewe ewe ewe ewe ewe ewe ewe! That's disgusting.

- Is it infected? - It's something.

Cover it up! Oh! Ohh.

Oh, I would rather be on the spider clown boat right now.

PJ? You're not really a doctor, are you? ( Sighs ) No.

I'm not.

I Spray cologne at Bimbel's Department store.

Why did you lie? Because you seemed so impressed by all the doctor stuff.

I didn't think you'd like me if you knew what I really do.

I'm sorry.

Well Actually I wasn't completely honest with you either.

What do you mean? I'm not really a student.

What are you? This is a surprise.

( Horn honks ) I don't usually tell people on the first date, but it kind of came up naturally.

Okay okay okay.

I just need some time to get used to this.

PJ, a lot of people are afraid of clowns, but I can help you get over that.

Okay okay okay.

Um We'll start tomorrow.

( Horn honks ) Take that, Hammerstone! ( Grunts ) - Whoa.

- Yes.

Yeah, taste my two-ply fury! - Great sh*t, Vonnie.

You rock! - Yeah! Keep f*ring, girls.

Five bucks if anyone can get it down the chimney.

Look at this.

We're really coming together as a team.

Your idea actually worked.

Well, of course it worked.

Why are you surprised? I don't know, maybe I've been influenced by the last, Well, maybe in the future you'll give your old mom some credit.

She knows what she's doing.

Mrs.

Duncan? Why does Coach Hammerstone's welcome mat say "The Johnsons"? Huh? Is is 306 North Birchwood, right? This is 306 South Birchwood.

Bummer.

( Police sirens ) Run! Aah! Whoever doesn't get arrested, meet me at 306 North Birchwood! ( Doorbell rings ) Wait wait wait.

Don't answer that.

Gabe, it's Emma.

Are you home? It's a trick.

I know he's out there.

I'm not here.

Emma.

And the Rand-man.

I didn't want to say anything so I could trick your dad.

So, where is the Ka-Bobster? Um He's not home.

Yes, he is.

Uh, no.

No he's not.

She falls apart every time he leaves so we try to keep her out of the loop.

He's in there.

Oh, I love this guy.

Always playing games.

- Gotcha! - Hey.

So, want to sit down? Sure.

Isn't it great that our dads are best friends? Yeah, about that.

Um The truth is My dad isn't crazy about your dad.

What? What's wrong with my dad? For one thing, he's kind of loud.

He's outgoing.

( Chuckles ) He makes up a bunch of stupid nicknames.

Ka-Bobster? That's hilarious.

I mean, he licks his fingers and eats other people's food.

Yeah.

I've got nothing for that one.

You know, your dad's not exactly perfect.

He's grumpy, and messy, and says stupid things Whoa whoa whoa.

My dad's not the problem.

Yours is.

I mean, yeah.

My dad is a problem, but not this problem.

Well, I can't believe you're saying bad things about my dad.

Daddy? Let's go! - What's wrong, honey? - I want to go.

Gabe's a jerk.

Oh Oh yeah? Well You don't smell like flowers any more! ( Gabe's voice ) Good one.

Wasn't it? Wow.

This is a shock.

Hey, I guess this is it for us, too, huh? Just because the kids aren't seeing each other doesn't mean that we can't.

Hey, I got a great idea.

Let's go camping.

Hey, I got a better idea.

Randy: What is it? Well, Charlie.

Um, once again mom interfered with one of my activities, but this time she actually helped.

Yeah, thanks to her, the team really bonded.

And, uh, we'll have a chance to bond even more at our court-ordered community service.

( Phone rings ) Hello? Who? Bob-a-lama-ding-dong? - I'm not here.

- Oh, yes you are! Well, it looks like Bob-a-lama-ding-dong has a new friend.

Ooh.

Wish him good luck, Charlie.

Teddy, honey, it's not true.

Those girls were just being mean.

Teddy: Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.

You do not have a big head.

You're not just saying that? No.

No.

Lots of families have to have their doors widened.

It's just that lately I've been feeling Like it's Bigger than usual.

Well, that's because You've been spending too much time with your brothers.

Hey, guys.

What's going on? What you looking at?