03x16 - Le Halloween

[bunniefuu]

P.J., this French Toast is so good.

It's fluffy on the inside, crunchy on the outside.

Yeah, and when you push it with a fork it makes a squishy sound.

( Chuckles ) Squishy squishy squishy.

Oh.

I can't be cool all the time.

So, Bob, you all set for Wednesday? Wednesday.

Uh Hump day, middle of the week day, your Birthday? It's Halloween.

Oh.

Well, good.

I don't have to do anything.

Yes, you do.

It's the baby's first Halloween.

- You have to dress up.

- Oh, there'll be other halloweens.

There'll be other babies.

- P.J.? - Yup.

Do you think you could cook an actual French dinner? Well, I think so.

Why? Well, because my one-year anniversary with Spencer is coming up, and I want to surprise him with a romantic dinner.

And it has to be French because we met in French class.

Oh, it was a rainy Monday.

Freshman year, third period.

We were both in Mademoisel Fisher's class Teddy? You're painting a wonderful tapestry of words to conjure up a place in time And that is why I'm leaving.

Cool again.

( Chuckles ) So, uh, what do you think? Sure, I'll make you guys dinner.

Sounds fun.

Can we do it at your place on Halloween night? That way Spencer won't suspect a thing and I can make him dress up.

See? Teddy's getting Spencer to dress up.

You can't compare me to a 17-year-old.

Well, that's for sure.

( Rock music playing ) Today's all burnt toast running late and dad jokes.

"Has anybody seen my left shoe?" I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud.

There it is up on the roof.

I've been there, I survived.

So just take my advice.

Hang in there, baby, there's no maybe.

Everything turns out all right.

Sure life is up and down.

But trust me, it comes back around.

You're gonna love who you turn out to be.

Hang in there, baby.

( Doorbell rings ) Mrs.Dabney.

It's not Halloween yet.

What's with the mask? Using that old chestnut again, huh? Hey, if it ain't broke.

Now what do you want? I actually want to discuss Halloween.

I was thinking this year we might skip the annual pranks.

I'm getting too old for pranks anyway.

Although I did already buy the eggs and shaving cream.

I could take those off you.

I can use and the shaving cream for Ah, bup bup bup bup bup! My legs.

I'm sorry.

Do you not know what "bup bup bup bup" means? Listen, while I'm here, I need to ask you something else.

Can you ride with me to my ladies' club meeting Wednesday night so I can use the carpool lane? - I'll pay you.

- How much? And do we have to talk to each other? See you Wednesday.

Amy: Are you ready? I am ready.

( Bob laughing ) ( Australian accent ) Good day, mate.

My name's Kangar-Amy.

And these are my little joeys, Charlie and Toby.

A family of kangaroos.

That's cute.

( Normal voice ) Cute? It took us two hours to get into these costumes, and all we get is "cute"? ( Australian accent ) No worries, mate.

Throw another shrimp on the barbie.

Shut up, Bob.

Go ahead, Charlie.

Tell him what we practiced.

I wanna be a Princess.

Everybody wants to be a Princess.

That's why you're a kangaroo.

What she was supposed to say was "hoppy Halloween"! Where's your costume? - ( Normal voice ) Uh I'm wearing it.

- Those are your work clothes.

Yeah! No, I'm a I'm going as an exterminator this year.

An exterminator? Okay, I am sweating my marsupial butt off in here and that's the best you came up with? All right.

Well, hang on.

I'm not done.

I'm not done.

You know what? ( Chuckles ) Huh? There.

I'm a superhero exterminator.

( Deep voice ) I'm Captain Extermo.

Who's your sidekick? Pesticide Pete? Mommy, this candy's yucky.

What? "Uncle Milt's Honey Globs.

" Why did you buy this disgusting candy? It's not disgusting.

It was on sale.

"Ingredients: Honey Glob.

" Bob, go get some better candy.

( In deep voice ) Uh Bob's not here right now.

I'm Captain Extermo.

Okay.

Well, when you see Bob could you tell him I'd like to speak with him? Uh Who would like to speak to him? Kangar-Amy or Amy? Amy.

Ooh, he may be gone for a while.

Happy anniversary! Surprise! I took you to Paris.

( French accent ) Bonjour.

Welcome to Chez PeJhay.

What? Chez PeJhay.

( Normal voice ) Chez P.

J.

Both: Oh! ( French accent ) Stupid tourists.

So I decorated the place and P.

J.

Is going to cook us an authentic French meal.

Although, we didn't discuss the accent.

To cook French, you must be French.

Your table.

Tadah! Um, I think "tadah" is more magician than French.

Your table.

Voila! Your menus for the evening.

There's only one thing on it.

An excellent choice.

And now, the music.

( Playing romantic tune ) Hey! Emmett's here.

Another thing we didn't discuss.

When you play the accordion, you never turn down a gig.

Gabe: Huh.

A room full of old ladies on Halloween night.

And suddenly I'm not cool again.

So how long is this gonna take? Just until I get my award.

You're getting an award? Yes, for being the volunteer of the year.

It's for my work with troubled kids.

But you hate kids.

But I do like awards.

And I may have mentioned that I would bring one of the troubled kids with me tonight.

Wait a minute.

Something doesn't smell right here, and it's not just the old ladies.

You brought me here just so you could get a stupid award! Happy Halloween! ( Laughs ) You've been tricked and it's my treat.

( Cackling ) ( Doorbell rings ) You take this one.

Trick or treat! Hey! All right.

There you go.

Hey, that is one cool costume.

I'm thinking wolf spider? Yeah.

I'm really into bugs.

Yeah? Me too.

Check it out.

( Deep voice ) I'm Captain Extermo.

A superhero exterminator?! Awesome! Can I get a picture with you? Yeah! Sure.

Honey, you wanna come over here? Somebody wants a picture with Captain Extermo.

What? What are you supposed to be? A dog that ate another dog? I'm a kangaroo.

And this is my joey.

Just take the picture.

( Romantic tune continues ) May I present the first course? Sweetbreads.

Tadah! I looked it up.

"Tadah" is acceptable.

Mm.

Bread and sweets.

Two of my favorite things.

Neither one of which is in my mouth right now.

- Garcon? - Oui? What exactly are in these sweetbreads? Ah! Uh, you have pancreas.

And the gentleman has stomach lining.

Bon Appetit.

Emmett.

- Do you want any sweetbreads? - No, but I know who might.

( Cats caterwaul ) It's like they haven't had pancreas in weeks.

You know what, Teddy? This is really nice.

Well, it was as close as I could get to a trip to Paris.

Plus, I thought it would be perfect considering where we first met.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

Yeah, I'll never forget it.

We were in French class and I dropped my pen and then you said "Hey, a pen.

" No no.

You picked it up, you handed it me, and you said "Votre plume, mademoiselle.

" Oh, yeah.

Of course.

You don't remember any of this, do you? Honestly, no.

- But does it really matter where we met? - Um, does it matter? It's only the beginning of our relationship.

Spence, we talked about how we both wanted to go to Paris someday.

( Scoffs ) I can't believe I went through all this trouble and you don't even remember! - Wait, where are you going? - As far away from you as I can get! ( Door shuts ) I understand there's a problem with the sweetbreads.

And now, for her tireless work with troubled kids, it is my sincere pleasure to present our "volunteer of the year" award to Estelle Dabney.

Thank you.

And along with a plaque, comes a check for $500.

( Applause ) Oh.

I had almost forgot about that part.

I assume you'll be putting that money towards your work with troubled children.

( Chuckles ) What else would I do with it? Buy a gold lame tracksuit? It's not enough I got tricked, I gotta see that? Now I was hoping we could hear from the young man you brought with you tonight.

Maybe he could say a few words? ( Applause ) ( Stammering ) Oh.

That's not a good idea.

He's very troubled.

Oh, I'd be happy to say a few words.

( Whispers ) The type of words I say will depend on my cut of the 500.

( Nervous laugh ) That's blackmail.

( Chuckles ) That's right.

Thank you, old ladies.

My name is Gabe and, I'm here to tell you the real story about Mrs.

Dabney.

Fifty-fifty.

This woman Is my angel.

( Sighs deeply ) Teddy I'm sorry I forgot how we met.

It's about more than forgetting a few details.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm more into this relationship than you are.

Remember that period when we were broken up? ( Quietly ) Yeah.

How long was that? I don't know.

Like nine months? Eight months, 19 days and four hours.

Wow.

Teddy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I may not remember the moment we met, but can still make this a moment to remember.

How are we gonna do that? Well, I have an idea.

( Horn honking ) Uh, do you guys mind? We're just trying to have a moment here.

Yeah, and your moment is ruining my Halloween party.

( Scoffs ) Okay.

Um Why are you guys all dressed up in clown suits? Because we're clowns.

So technically, you're not dressed up for Halloween, you're just wearing your work clothes.

That's kinda what I've been saying.

Whose side are you on?! And whatever you're cooking over there It's hurting my nose.

Yeah? Well, your face is hurting my eyes, Bozo.

I have a name.

Okay.

What is your name? Boom-boom.

( Both snort and laugh ) And I'm Tinkles.

( Both laughing ) Boom-boom and Tinkles? You sound like two things my baby brother makes in his diaper.

Hey! Nobody makes fun of my name! Sure we do.

We got that whole bit where we walk down the street Shut up! This isn't over yet, missy.

You messed with the wrong clowns.

Oh.

You know, it's a little hard to be scared of somebody with green hair and a permanent smile! - Okay, that's enough.

- Just saying, geez.

Tinkles, Binky, Bo-Bo, time to put on the big shoes.

We got some work to do.

I know sometimes Mrs.

Dabney looks mean.

But underneath that scowl There's a frown.

And underneath that frown There's a grimace.

And if you keep chipping and chipping and chipping Underneath that You'll find a snarl.

Move it along.

And then, with just a little more chipping Underneath that You'll find a smile.

A smile That has warmed my heart.

And changed my life forever.

( Voice breaking ) Thank you, Gabe.

That was very moving.

Now let's take a break for dessert.

Well.

Here's something I've never said before You did good.

Thank you.

And I have to say, I admire you for scamming these helpless old ladies.

It was good, wasn't it? You know, we make a pretty good team.

We do, don't we? We should team up again.

Got any other scams? I might have a few.

Mrs.

Dabney, this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Here's looking at you, kid.

( Doorbell rings ) Trick or treat.

Aw.

Aren't you adorable? You're a bee.

A bee who's got to be home by nine.

Let's see some candy.

Wow, this bee's got a stinger.

"Uncle Milt's Honey Globs"? Well, bees like honey, right? It's a costume, lady.

Okay, see you next year! Doubt it.

( Bat screeches ) What the! ( Inhales deeply ) - Hi, Mommy.

- There's a bat in the house.

- A bat?! - It just flew in.

Get it out, get it out, get it out! Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

This might be a job for Captain Extermo.

You better ask him.

Fine.

Please help me, Captain Extermo.

Now say my catchphrase.

Captain Extermo, sleeping on the couch every night for the rest of his life.

Close enough! ( Accordion music playing ) And for your cheese course tonight Fromage American.

I think we'll skip the cheese course.

Excellent choice.

( Clears throat ) The cheese course is traditionally when you tip the accordion player.

- Go away.

- Very good, Madame.

This is the last time I let you talk me into playing the accordion for one of your fancy French dinners.

It's probably the last time it'll come up.

Now, um, I believe someone owes me a moment.

I believe I do.

( Pounding on door ) I'll get it.

Oh.

Hey, look.

The entertainment's here.

I didn't order any entertainment.

Well, someone did because there's a whole mess of clowns out there.

Clowns?! No, don't open the door! ( Clowns yelling ) ( Ballroom music playing ) Mrs.

Dabney, I never imagined our criminal partnership would be so successful.

It's like we belong together.

And we're gonna stay together.

For a long long time.

( Screams ) ( Both scream ) - What are you doing here? - I just had the worst dream of my life.

- Were we dancing? - Yes.

- In handcuffs? - Yes! What was that about?! It's called a guilty conscience! We have to give that money back.

( Sarcastically ) Oh, you think?! So I guess the partnership is over.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Mm.

- Hug? - Give Mama some sugar.

Aw.

( Screams ) ( Clicks ) Mrs.

Dabney, we have to give back the money we stole.

What do you mean, "who is this?" Hey, Charlie.

So, uh Crazy Halloween for the Duncans.

There was a bat in the house.

Then for a short period of time, Gabe and Mrs.

Dabney were friends.

And then Spencer and I celebrated our one-year anniversary with a romantic dinner and A clown att*ck.

But it wasn't actually that bad.

For me.

Then again, I'm not afraid of clowns.

Clowns in my house.

Clowns in my house.

Clowns in my house.

Well, at least he's talking.

P.J.: Clowns in my house! Wish him good luck, Charlie.

We've had a lot of fun here tonight, at the expense of clowns.

But we're here to let you know that clowning is a very serious profession.

One that takes years of training.

And contrary to what you saw tonight, we are not a violent people.

( Groans ) Ah! We just wanna be treated with the same love and respect as everyone else.

Stay in school, kids.