02x01 - Welcome Back

[bunniefuu]

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

All right.

OK, Tommy. You can do this.

You can take a step.

Good job!

Pretty soon you're gonna do this
all by yourself!

You'll be walking and then running...

And then going to college.

And then I'll be a grandma.

And you're gonna
put me in a nursing home.

You've got a lot of nerve!

Hey, you wanna hear a little secret?

I finally made a decision
between Matt and Steve.

Do you wanna know who I picked?

I'll tell you.

[inaudible whispering]

I know!

I was as surprised as you are!

We're back!

Hi!

- Hi.
- Hi, Jackson.

You've only been gone eight weeks

and you're already taller than I am,
stop growing.

[voice cracks] It's not the only change.

Ramona, tell everybody
how you did at Dance Camp.

Mom, you know I hate to brag.

OK, then I'll brag.

Ramona won Best Dancer,
Most Likely To Star On Broadway

and Happiest Feet.

You forgot Jazziest Hands.

And guess who won Oldest Dancer?

Mom came up for Visitors' Day
and the visit never ended.

Hey, I was only there
for the last six weeks.

Of a seven-week program.

Come on, we had so much fun. Oh.

We had the whole camp
doing the Gibbler Gallop.

Yeah, come on, let's do it.
Five, six, seven, eight...

Sparkle, and sparkle

and spin, and spin

and spank, spank, spank...

Oh, I knew you wanted to gallop.

Well, while you guys were out galloping,

I was at Wilderness Camp
breaking some hearts.

- You wanna hear what happened?
- Hold on.

My teenage son is actually about to

share something that happened in his life?

- You're right. Never mind.
- No, no! No.

What happened?

Well, let's just say the babes
were all over me like mosquitoes.

But I did stay true to Lola.

Poor thing must have been
missing her boo like crazy.

- You're back!
- I sure am!

[girls shriek and giggle]

I wanna hear every detail
of your entire summer!

I wanna hear every detail
of your entire summer!

[girls shrieking]

Yeah, we'll catch up later.

Don't make any plans this afternoon,
because I am throwing my annual...

End-of-Summer-Back-to-School
Super...

Fun Barbecue !

OK, maybe that name was too long.

- Hey, Deej!
- Stephanie!

Hi!

- Welcome home.
- Stephanie!

Oh, I missed you so, so much!

I missed...

- Why aren't you hugging me back?
- Because you left me at the airport.

How rude.

Was your plane late?

No, I was right on time.

I even put my bags in Kimmy's car.

I went to move the luggage cart out of
the street and she drove off without me.

I thought you were pretty quiet
on the ride home.

Anyhoo, how was your summer in London?

It was great.

You know, I went back to see
if my ex-boyfriend was really a jerk.

He was.

But I met one of those palace guards
with the big, fuzzy hats.

Turns out sometimes they do smile.

Aunt Stephanie, Kimmy!

Thank goodness you're back!

Look what I taught Cosmo.

Cosmo, roll over.

Ah.

Looks like you had a fun summer.

It was boring.

Before you guys left,
there was so much going on.

Mom was a Mexican wrestler,

Hunter Pence came to our house,

there was a cow in the kitchen.

The last fun thing
was that ridiculous wedding

where Kimmy decided not to marry Fernando.

[Spanish accent] Let the rejoicing begin.
Fernando has returned!

Kimmy, you made the right decision.

Kimberlina, mi amor,
how I missed you all summer.

Yuck!

Everybody, I have a funny story.

While I was gone on the racing circuit,

I forgot to pay my rent,

so my landlord evicted me.

So now...

I will be moving in here!

[laughs]

Perhaps my story was not so funny?

Perhaps you should have paid your rent?

Oh, Max.

I missed you least of all.

No need to worry.
Fernando's only moving in temporarily.

You won't even know he's here.

[door opens]

This way, gentlemen.

Only seven more loads to go, OK?

[shouts orders in Spanish]

That had better be Spanish for
"I'm leaving tomorrow."

Hello, ladies.

Your meat has arrived.

Ah, now that's how every man
should enter a room.

Hi.

Oh, so I brought steak, burgers,
chicken, shrimp, ribs and lobster.

And Matt brought some stuff
for you guys to eat.

[Matt and Steve laugh]

- Steve, you're hilarious.
- No, you are, you told me to say that.

Yeah, but you're delivery was hysterical!

It's so funny
how those guys became best friends.

I know.

I hope it doesn't affect their friendship
when I tell them which one I wanna date.

You're finally choosing somebody?
Oh, it's about time!

Yeah, well, I spent the whole summer
just getting to know myself

and working on me
and... and now I am finally ready

to have a meaningful relationship
with someone other than me.

You gotta pick Steve.
You guys are each other's destiny.

No. No, no, no.

You have to pick Matt.

You guys are great partners
at the Pet Clinic

and, far more importantly,
Matt is insanely hot.

I know, I'm extremely lucky. I have
two incredible guys that want me so bad!

But I've made my decision.

[both] And?

I am choosing...

DJ?

We've got something to tell you.

Oh. And I have something to tell you guys.

[all three] OK, you go.

- [all three] No, you go.
- [all three] OK, I'll go first.

- Somebody go first.
- OK, I... We will go first.

Steve and I...

have found someone special.

Each other?

You know, I always had a feeling.

No, although if I were so inclined,
this big daddy would be a home run.

Boop!

So, DJ, remember when you chose yourself

and you said we should just go live
our lives and not wait around for you?

I... really said that?

Uh, yeah, and then you sent us
that group text

with the bitmoji of yourself giving
the thumbs up saying to go for it.

Oh, I did do that.

So anyway, after a two-week camping trip
alone in the woods...

we decided that we need women.

So... we fixed each other up.

And now we both have girlfriends.

And it's all because you told us
to "Go for it", so thank you.

You're welcome!

Wow!

Hah! I'm... I'm so happy for you guys.

Wow.

Did I already say that? 'Cause, well, yay!

Well, DJ, what's your big news?

Oh, yeah.

My big news. Well...

Oh, the End-of-Summer-Back-to-School
Super Fun Barbecue ...

starts at o'clock.

So the time is the same.

Right.

Because sometimes I change it.

But not today, so that's big news.

Hey, would it be weird
if we brought our girlfriends?

It would be weird
if you didn't bring them!

Oh, I can't want to meet them.

Oh, they cannot wait to meet you.

All right, well, we will see you at : ,
because the time did not change.

- They're gonna love your girlfriend.
- She's gonna love your girlfriend.

Wow.

Did not see that coming. Whoo!

Man, I mean, talk about ripping
your heart out

and stomping on it right in front of you.

If I were you, I would be on the floor
sobbing like a blubbering baby.

OK, I think she gets this is not ideal.

I am totally fine with this.

I mean, I am really happy for Matt
and Steve and for their girlfriends.

And I'm happy for me.

I am happy, happy, happy, OK?

Did you buy that?

Nope.

That poor thing is a Lifetime movie
waiting to happen.

[dance music playing]

♪ I can feel it in my toes
Drop to the b*at like no one knows ♪

♪ They don't know me like that ♪

♪ Well, they don't know me like that ♪

♪ Shimmy shakin' everywhere... ♪

[music stops]

Can we help you?

Yeah, I just stopped by
to say hey to my bae.

Hey, bae.

Help me here.

Jackson, Lola doesn't wanna
hurt your feelings,

but she's not your bae.

Not my bae?

What about our full-on makeout session
after Kimmy's almost wedding?

You remember?

That wasn't a makeout session.

That's how I kiss my grandma.

You must really like your grandma.

The point is we're just friends.

I'm back in the friend zone?

I spent all last year clawing my way out.

Well, I guess you missed out
on Action Jackson.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'll wait for you forever.

Action out.

Man, I just said something really stupid.

Yeah, I heard you say, "Action out."

Hey, Mom, were you ever a teenage girl?

Uh, yeah, for seven years.

What did guys do to impress you
way back in the olden days?

Well, you know,
they churned some buttermilk...

raised a barn...

Look, if this is about impressing Lola,
just be yourself. You're a great guy.

[sighs] You're my mom. That means nothing.

OK. How's this?

Women love confidence.

Oh, I used to love when Steve
would make a big confident entrance.

He used to walk right in
and take what he wanted.

From the refrigerator.

Big confident entrance.

I like that.

Yeah. Hey, any girl would be lucky
to have a handsome young man like you.

Thanks, Mom.
But once again, that means nothing.

Kimberlina, mi amor.

Finally, my endless summer
of endless loneliness has ended.

Hold that thought.

I promised DJ and Stephanie
I would talk to you

about moving in without even asking.

What are you doing?

I'm wiggling.

You know what that does to me.

Now what are you doing?

I'm nibbling.

You're wiggling and nibbling?

It's called wibbling.

Well, your wibbling has me wobbling.
[giggles]

Fernando, I'm serious.

They don't want you moving in.

In time, DJ and Stephanie
will grow to love me

because I am an acquired taste.

Like bleu cheese dressing.

Or public television.

Don't make me beg

like a PBS pledge drive.

This is so unfair.

I have homework
and school doesn't start till Monday.

Well, at least you got a summer break.

I had to work all day every day,

sometimes on the weekends.

Mom.

We're talking about me.

Right.

But, you know, Max,
this is a pretty cool project.

It's called,
"One Kid Can Make a Difference."

You're supposed to pick a problem
facing the world from this list

and help solve it.

So I have to get rid of global warming,
unsafe drinking water,

plastic pollution,
government corruption...

Third Grade just got real.

♪ I've tried way overthinkin' it ♪

♪ Oversimplifyin' it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, love is still a mystery ♪

Yo-ho! I was just looking for Kimmy,
but please keep singing.

That was rad-adj.

Rad-adj?

As in rad-adjacent.

Ah. Well, it's just a new tune I'm playing
around with. Kimmy's inside.

"Kimmy's Inside"
is a terrible name for a song.

But please, finish. You sound amazing.

Sure,

hunky guy in a really tight T-shirt.

♪ Gonna take love slow
And look at where I've been ♪

♪ Take love slow ♪

♪ Stop all this rushin' in ♪

♪ It's so easy makin' promises ♪

♪ But this time it's different ♪

[both] ♪ Gonna take love slow ♪

♪ Give love time to grow ♪

[both] ♪ Gonna take love slow ♪

What's happening?

We're about to kiss.

That's crazy.

I mean, especially since I'm singing
a song called "Gotta Take Love Slow."

I feel like your lips are like magnets
and I'm like a refrigerator.

[both] Wow.

[both] I know!

Jimmy?

- Yo-ho! Kimmy!
- Hey!

[both] Five, six, seven, eight,
and sparkle, and sparkle,

and spin, and spin,

and spank, spank, spank, spank.

- Yes!
- [Jimmy laughs]

Wait, wait, wait...

Why is he galloping like a Gibbler?

Because all Gibblers gallop.

This is my little brother, Jimmy.

I just kissed a Gibbler?

You just kissed a Tanner?

[both] Ew!

Why didn't you tell me
you were Kimmy's brother?

Well, I just figured you remembered me.
I mean, who kisses a total stranger?

Stephanie.

I just, I haven't seen you
since you were a scrawny little kid.

- I mean, you look completely different.
- Yeah.

I got a haircut.

Jimmy, what are you doing back in town?

Well, I was driving the RV to Portland
and then I thought, "Why?"

You know?

And then I thought, "Man, I'm hungry."

And then I thought, "I'm gonna stop
at the Tanners' and get some free food."

That's the Gibbler way.

- One more time!
- [both] Five, six, seven, eight...

And sparkle, and sparkle,
and spin, and spin...

- [Jimmy] Come on Stephanie, get in here!
- Spank, spank,...

Oh, she's leaving.

- Well, how's Uncle Andy been?
- He's still allergic to shrimp.

That surprises me.
That's so shellfish of him.

[laughs]

Mini Bro, this is gonna blow your mind.

Global warming will make the seas rise
and wipe out San Francisco.

Our food is full of poison.

There's an island of plastic trash
the size of Texas floating in the ocean.

The world is falling apart!

And not to make you feel bad, but
your disposable diapers aren't helping.

Hey, you guys forgot to wear
your barbecue T-shirts.

Sure, let's go with "Forgot."

Hello, beautiful ladies.

Oh, Kimmy, did you tell Fernando
that we don't want him living here?

Hola, I am right here.

Yes, that's the problem.

Fernando is very useful.

He can reach things on the top shelf.

We have a ladder.

I can fend off intruders.

You're the intruder.

[doorbell]

- I'll get it.
- No.

Someone who actually lives here
will get it.

Hi, DJ, Kimmy. I want you guys
to meet my new girlfriend, Crystal.

Oh, gosh, it's so nice meeting you.

I've heard so many
good things about you from Matt.

Oh, and I've heard nothing about you.

Like how young and fit you are.

Me?

Look at you!

But I could help your posture.

If I could just organize your pubic bone.

Oh, no, no. We just met. We just...

[cracking]

Oh, actually, that does feel better.

Do me! Do me!

Hey, DJ. Meet my girlfriend, CJ.

Her name is CJ?

What are the odds of that?

My real name is Connie Jane,
but everyone calls me Ceej.

Small world, huh, Deej?

Do you mind if I give you a hug?

I come from a family of huggers.

OK, this is getting weird.

You know what else is weird?
You guys are both doctors.

Only you work on, you know, hamsters and
stuff and she works on real people, but...

Steve, stop boasting.

Holy Rolaids.

Oh, Mylanta.

Son of a Tums,
you both swear with antacids.

You know, maybe I have a type.

You think?

Well, hey, as long as we're
getting to know each other,

Crystal teaches something called
Cirque du Pilates.

Show them.

- Are you sure? I mean...
- Yeah, do your tricks.

OK, it is really roomy in here.

Oops...

This is fun.

She has a lot of energy.

Well, I'd better get in there.
There's a lobster with my name on it.

Literally, I wrote "Steve H" on its tail,
so everybody just back off.

[CJ laughs]

Oh. Hey, thank you for having me.

I feel like we're gonna be great friends.

[CJ laughs]

[sighs] Sorry, I just...
I love to hug, Deej.

[sighs] You know, I hate to say it,
but I really like their girlfriends.

They're so nice.

Well, they may be nice, but you're nicer.

And they may be pretty,
but you're prettier.

And they may be young, but you're...

The truth is,
I just wish I had a boyfriend.

At least for the next couple of hours.

Well, I might be able to help with that.

What? No, Kimmy, wait.
What are you thinking?

- Just follow.
- Kimmy...

[chattering]

Hey, Jimmy. I want you
to pretend to be DJ's boyfriend.

Whoa.

That is not a good idea.

You're right. It's a great idea.

Look at those happy couples over there.

So then I said,
"In that case, I'll take it to go!"

[all laugh hysterically]

Don't you deserve to pretend to be
as happy as those people actually are?

OK, fine.

I'll pretend that Jimmy is my boyfriend.

But I really like Steph.

I mean, what if you fall for me real hard?

I think we're safe.

Come with me.

Come on.

[Kimmy clears throat]

Attention, everybody.

DJ would like to introduce you
to her new boyfriend.

DJ has a new boyfriend?

Yeah, so I guess this is my new man,
Jimmy Gibbler.

Let's give them a nice Bay Area welcome.

Thank you, San Francisco.

You're really dating a Gibbler?

Hey, anyone would be lucky
to have a Gibbler.

They are the sexiest creatures
to ever strut the Earth.

It's true.

Watch me walk past any construction site.

Pandemonium.

DJ and I love to scuba.

Yes, we love to scuba.

With the rubber suits and the...
Riding dolphins in the ocean.

Right, big guy?

You... You know it, big momma.

Hey, look who's up from his nap?

Stephanie, this is not what it looks like.

Uh, well, it looks like a barbecue.

DJ, I'm sorry.
It's been a beautiful two minutes.

But I just... I feel like
we're drifting apart, you know?

I have to break up with you.

[all inhale with shock]

Yes, people, it's true.
I'm crazy about Stephanie.

[all inhale with shock]

I've had a huge crush on you,
ever since we were little kids.

I mean, one of my
all time favorite memories

is you were playing guitar
and then I came into the back yard,

and then we kissed.

Uh, that was like half an hour ago.

And I think about that moment
all the time.

And if that's your baby,
I'll raise him as my own.

Actually, that's my baby.

[all inhale with shock]

Oh, calm down, guys.
We already knew that.

You poor thing.

Your sister stole your man.

So what? Does she look humiliated?

Well, a little.

But if I know DJ,

she's on her way to the wharf right now
to pick up three new boyfriends.

I'm standing right here.

That's right.

Make them come to you.

OK, I'm just gonna take a break
and think about my poor life decisions.

Good times!

That's pretty uncool, man.

Way uncool, man.

I know.

I wish I could go back in time
and change things,

but that's not the way time works,
as I understand it.

Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Your uncle hooked up
with your mom's best friend,

then left her for her sister,

although, to be fair,
DJ never told him she had a baby.

Hey, Lola! Here comes Action Jackson!

[howls like Tarzan]

Oh, oh, no. [screams]

[Jackson] Don't worry, Lola. I'm OK.

Lola left ten minutes ago.

Yeah. It's probably for the best.

Hey, Max. Why aren't you at the barbecue?

[sadly] What's the point of a barbecue?

What's the point of anything?

What's wrong, buddy?

Everything.

How can one little kid make a difference

when our problems are so big?

We're doomed.

The whole world is poisoned,
polluted and way too hot.

Because we ruined it.

Well, you ruined it.

I'm only eight.

Yeah, we did mess it up pretty good.

But we could still make it better.

You know, just because we made mistakes,
it doesn't mean we can't fix them.

Unless, let's say, you spent
the whole summer obsessed with yourself,

and let two great guys get away.

[sighs] I'm never gonna find
anyone as good as Matt or Steve.

I'm gonna be single
for the rest of my life.

I might as well start adopting cats
and stop washing my hair.

Worst pep talk ever.

[Max] Mom. Tommy's walking.

All by himself.

[gasps]

Tommy!

You did it! Yes!

Oh!

Hey!

[all] Hey.

We wanted you to see this.

Did you see that, Max?

No matter how many times Tommy fell,
he never gave up.

That right there is the human spirit.

So we can't give up either.

We have to keep searching
for ways to stop climate change and,

and achieve world peace

and plot my revenge
against Matt and Steve,

and end poverty.

And have universal healthcare
and fair elections.

And have a relationship with Lola.

And finally focus on my music career.

And become a really awesome dancer.

And figure things out with Fernando.

And find a nice throw rug
that pulls my new room together.

You don't officially live here.

You know you love me.

Everybody, group hug.

And you're wet.

[all chat indistinctly to each other]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[theme tune plays]