02x04 - Curse of Tanner Manor

[bunniefuu]

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[creepy Halloween music]

Mom, we need to talk.

What are you doing?

I'm hand making your costume.

Why, you ask,
would I go to all the trouble

when all the other moms go to the store

and buy something cheap, generic
and possibly flammable?

It's not because those mothers
love their children any less,

it's just that I love you more.

Yeah. So listen.

Plus I am crazy about Halloween.

Oh, getting dressed up,
going trick or treating with you guys,

stealing your candy while you're asleep.

Mom, we can't go trick or treating.

We're a neighborhood joke.

- What are you talking about?
- Taylor.

Hello, Doctor Fuller.

You're looking well.

Skip the chit-chat. Tell my mom
what you wrote on your blog.

You guys have
the lamest Halloween house in town.

Lame?

Lame how?

Boring decorations,
a bowl of raisins instead of candy...

OK, thank you, Taylor.

And let's not forget
the pamphlets about juvenile diabetes.

She gets it. Thanks for stopping by.

Goodbye, Doctor Fuller.

And may I say,
you're having a tremendous hair day.

Oh, thanks for noticing, Taylor.

Yeah, I'm using this new conditioner...
Why am I telling him?

"Lamest house in town."

Mom, how could you do this to me?

Look, this should not be
about assigning blame.

But it's all your Grandpa Danny's fault.

We just moved in here.

I say Halloween night we turn off all
the lights and check into a cheap motel.

Max, do not despair.

I'm in charge now.

And since I am the queen of Halloween,

I'm gonna throw a spooky party
for you and your friends.

Go on.

But not just any spooky party.

The spookiest, scariest,
most terrifying party ever.

Will it impress Taylor?

Taylor? Pfff. Oh please.

Answer the question.

Yes, it will impress Taylor.

That's the answer I was looking for.

Hey, Deej.
Don't you love this time of year?

You'll never guess
who we're gonna be for Halloween.

[Spanish accent] Do not bother trying.

In a million years, you will never guess.

Lucy and Ricky.

Nope, try again.

Oh, wait, you got it.

We will make the perfect Lucy and Ricky.

Just like Lucy, Kimmy is adorably wacky.

And just like Ricky,
Fernando has a cute Latino accent.

You think so?

Myself, I do not hear it.

Oh, Kimmy,

can Gibbler Style Party Planning
help me throw a Halloween party for Max?

Of course.

What's the theme?

Halloween.

I like it.

Now, I'll need my standard
$ , non-refundable deposit.

Kimmy, you and your entire family
live in this house for free.

Fine, it's refundable.

I'm so glad you're doing this.
Do you read Taylor's blog?

He said this is the lamest house in town.

[sighs] I can't believe my son's
best friend is such a pain in the butt.

Oh, now I know how my dad felt about you.

Aww.

I mean, hey!

Yo-ho, Steph-o.

Oh, hey, Jimmy.

'Sup?

Nothin'.

I love our banter.

Oh, hey, you wanna go out this Halloween?

[imitates ghost call]

I'd love to.

Aaaah...

What? It's a ghost.

Oh, good, I thought it was, like,
an old person expressing disappointment.

So what do you have in mind?

Oh, well, I got us two tickets to go to
Mighty Mountain's Haunted Halloween.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

It does, but then I thought,

"What's more fun than being scared?
Being the scarer."

And then I thought,
"I'll get us jobs playing zombies."

And then I did.
All we have to do is go like this....

[imitates zombie screech]

[continues zombie screech]

What? That's a zombie.

Oh. I thought is was
a goat with chronic asthma.

You got me back.

I love our banter.

- Hi, Steph.
- Hey.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, guys, I've got two extra tickets
to Haunted Halloween, you want 'em?

Oh, actually, I'm planning
a family Halloween here at home.

Yeah, we'll take 'em.

Thanks, Uncle Jimmy!

Are you sure you wanna miss
family Halloween?

We always go trick or treating together.

And then later,
I'm throwing a spooky party for Max.

Come on, Mom. We're too mature
for all that little kid stuff. We're .

Yeah, if this were Frontier times,
we'd be married.

Ew.

Not to each other.

Ew.

Ramona, let's decide on your costume,

you don't wanna end up
being something boring like a kitty cat.

Oh, I was a kitty cat last year.

You're a kitty cat every year.

So? You're a sexy nurse every year.

Well, actually I'm just a nurse,
but thank you.

Sorry Mom,
but we're going to Haunted Halloween.

And we're not wearing dumb costumes.

Or going to a lame kiddie party.

And we're gonna Uber

so we don't have to be embarrassed
by having our parents drop us off.

But we're really sad
we're gonna miss the fun tonight.

Yeah, we are. And we're gonna be
out late, so don't wait up.

Joke's on them. I'm gonna wait up.

DJ, I'm sorry I ruined
your family Halloween,

I should have checked with you
about the tickets first.

Oh, that's all right.

You couldn't have known that this might
be my last Halloween with all my boys

before they grow up,
move out and never call.

Well, as long as I'm off the hook.

We could ask for the tickets back
if you want.

No, it's fine. They can go.

Man, time sure flies.

One minute, Jackson and Ramona are
holding our hands to cross the street,

and the next minute they want
nothing to do with us.

Oh, Deej.

Teenagers are like birds.

If they fly away,
they were never yours to begin with.

That makes no sense.

Shh.

I know it doesn't.

I love Lucy.

And I love Ricky.

Oh, look! You even got a conga.

Of course.

It's for my performance tonight.

What performance?

At Max's party.

I said to myself,

"What would a group of -year-olds
want to see on Halloween?"

And then it hit me.

Ricky Ricardo singing in Spanish.

Hey, what if you had a beautiful redhead
performing with you?

Who did you have in mind?

Carrot Top?

Me.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Ricky always performs alone.

Watch any episode.

You must promise me
you will not interfere with my show.

No funny business, OK?

Oh, don't you worry about me.

It's Lucy you have to worry about.

Tommy, what does the bear say?

Roooaaarrrrr...

[gurgles]

Close enough.

Our costumes make no sense.

Whoever heard of Goldilocks
and the two bears?

You know why there isn't a third bear.

Hey, Mom, I need bucks.

- How about ?
- Sure, that's all I really needed.

Thanks for bailing, Jackson.

Sorry, but trick or treating
is for little kids.

Thanks, Mom.

[laughs]

You do know
that you're the momma bear, right?

No I'm not.

Am I?

Of course not. You're the middle bear.

Then why do have
a big pink bow on my butt?

Because you're... the bear that supports
breast cancer research.

Well, that's a very important cause.

Who looks stupid now?

[menacing music]

OK, Steph, here comes Jackson and Ramona.

You ready to zombie?

Do I look ready?

[zombie voice] Do I sound ready?

[crackling]

These theme parks aren't that scary.

Whoa!

This is so much cooler
than a party full of -year-olds.

[both scream]

[skeleton groans]

[nervously] Yeah, good one, big dude.

- These are so fake.
- You're fake.

[both scream]

[creaking]

[Dracula voice]
Come. Be my bride. Forever.

Who, me?

No.

Him!

[normal voice] You see what I did there?
I flipped the joke.

[Jimmy in zombie voice]
Enter, young teens. If you dare...

[creepy organ music]

Do we dare?

Of course we dare.

You dare first.

[zombie groans]

[zombie voice] Fresh brains.

I'm not clear on the
whole storyline here.

Were you invented in the lab
or did you break into the lab?

[zombie voice]
Who are you, the logic police?

Get out!

[locks rattle]

The door is locked.
No one's going anywhere.

I was a hall monitor last year
and that's against fire regulations.

Silence, nerd.

I'm not scared of you.

We know.

We're sucking the thoughts
right out of your brains.

[both suck in air]

Then what am I thinking?

Your feet hurt.

From dance class.

[panicked] Whoa! How did you know that?

And you.

- Why aren't you home with your family?
- You're not reading my mind.

You could say that about any teenager.

You skipped your brother's party
and you broke your mother's heart.

OK, that one seemed more about me.

Well, uh, we're gonna head out now.
If you could just... unlock the door.

Not gonna happen, Jackson.

They know your name.

- Zip it, Ramona.
- [terrified] And they know mine!

- [zombies roar]
- [kids scream]

You two should have stayed
at home with your families.

If you let me go,
that's exactly what I'll do.

Their brains are too small to eat.

Not worth the hassle.

Like crab legs.

We promise we'll go straight home.

Go. Now.

Before Uber surge pricing kicks in.

[Ramona screams]

[normal voice]
That was easier than I thought.

[normal voice] Yeah.
I loved your Uber line.

Aww.

Hey, hey, hey,
no fraternizing between characters,

it's grounds for immediate dismissal.

What about you, Randy? I saw you
smoking in the haunted corn maze.

I was vaping.

I'm a vaping vampire.

Hey, kids! What's this I see?

Could it be a dog possessed by a demon?

[DJ makes spooky sounds]

That's not scary.

That's adorable.

OK, check this out.

Who wants to reach into
the bucket of terror

and feel real human eyeballs?

Peeled grapes?

What's so scary? Are they not organic?

OK, listen, kid.

Halloween requires
a certain suspension of disbelief.

It also requires
a certain level of production quality.

Mom? A word, please.

When we first discussed this party,
the word "Spooky" was thrown around.

Oh, it's about to get spooky up in here.

Up in here.

OK. Everyone, gather round.

Now we all know the story
of Goldilocks and the Three Bears,

but not everyone knows
how it really ends.

Goldilocks runs away.

Yes, she runs away.

But not before the bears...
chopped off her hand!

[screams]

$ . at Burt's Halloween Shop.

Look who's here to save your party.

Be my guest. Tough room.

Niños,

let's travel back to a terrifying time,

when TV was in black and white
and there were only three channels.

And if you went to the bathroom,

you actually missed
part of the show forever.

So now, I present to you

TV legend Ricky Ricardo,
performing his signature song, "Babalu".

Please enjoy, but do not sing along.

[drumming]

[sings in Spanish]

[groans]

Lucy, you have some explaining to do.

No I don't, I've got some singing to do!

[sings out of tune in Spanish]

What are you doing, Lucy?

Babalu-ing, Ricky.

Lucy, you promised not to do this.

You know I wanna be in show business.
Maybe I'll get discovered tonight.

By who? They're -year-olds!

You never consider my feelings.

OK, I'm considering your feelings now.

And I'm considering, and they're wrong!

[sings in Spanish]

What am I supposed to do?
Sit in the corner with Fred and Ethel?

You're so selfish.

Hah! I'm selfish?

Lucy, this time you've taken it too far.

[speaking in Spanish]

Waaa-ha-ha-ha.

Waaa-ha-ha-ha.

Waaa?

[speaking in Spanish]

Wow.

Wasn't that... a thing you saw?

This party is a baba-loser.

Max.

I'm sorry.

Maybe this party wasn't the scariest.

But Taylor's attitude did not help.

[angry Spanish nonsense]

Agh!

[angry Spanish nonsense]

And I had nothing to do with that.

What a disaster.

The only good thing that happened tonight

is that I raised breast cancer awareness.

Hi, Mom. So good to be home.

Oh, what are you guys
doing home so early?

Well, we knew you felt bad
about us not being here.

So we decided to make our parents happy.

It was the right thing to do.

- [zombie voice] We're very proud of you.
- [both scream]

[cackles]

[normal voice] Got ya!

We knew it was the two of you all along.

Yeah, no, you didn't.

Is it still too late to be invited
to the -year-old party?

No. But I have to warn you,
it's not very scary.

That's OK,
we've had enough scary for one night.

But that party could be scarier.

Did you guys happen to make
any monster friends at the park?

Well, the severed heads
were pretty snooty,

but the ghouls were cool.

I felt like that k*ller clown
was hitting on me all night.

I hate to burst your bubble,
but that smile was painted on.

What?

Hold on to that Viking hat, Taylor.

This party's about the get super scary.

Why?

Are you bringing out
more sugar-free skeleton cookies?

[electricity crackles]

[kids scream]

[more kids scream]

[all kids screaming]

Don't worry! It's not real.

I think.

- [zombie voice] Hey, Taylor.
- How do you know my name?

Max told us to eat your brains.

You should eat his brains.

[zombie voice] We already did.

That was our amuse-bouche.

[kids scream]

[weakly] You're next, Taylor.

[yells] Mommy!

[screams]

Way to go, kids! Way to go, monsters!
We scared Taylor pretty good!

[cheering and clapping]

Best Halloween ever.

Here, Max. Try some brain food.

Mmm! I'm delicious!

[Jackson] Hey, Mom,
can you come in here?

Oh, my three little bears!

I can't believe
you wanted me to wear this in public.

Yeah, now that I see it,
you may have a point.

- I'm giving you one bear photo.
- Really?

But you cannot post it
on Facebook, Instagram,

Snapchat, Twitter, Pinterest

or any medium that exists now
or may exist in the future.

Deal.

Aww. But you'll always be
my three little bears.

[sighs] OK, let's not make this a thing.

I'll make it a thing.
I like being your little bear.

Fine. I guess I like being
your little bear too.

Aww.

I know you don't mean that,
but it's so sweet you said it.

Oh, I love you boys so much.

Hey, can somebody take this picture?

[Dracula voice] Happy to help.

By the way, these sugar-free
skeleton cookies are to die for.

Yeah, can you just take the picture?

Kimmy, I'm really, really sorry.

That did not sound sincere.

It was sincere the first times.

Now I'm a little bit on autopilot.

It is true.

I should have invited Lucy
to perform with Ricky.

Yes, you should have.

Although in episodes,
that never happened once.

I'm not mad about not being in the show.

I'm mad because
you didn't want me in the show.

We got a couples costume
so we could enjoy Halloween together.

I feel terrible.

Please,

let me make it up to you.

Only if it involves
something we can do together.

It does not.

But you're still going to love it.

[music plays]

♪ I love Kimmy and she loves me ♪

♪ We're as happy as two can be ♪

♪ Sometimes we quarrel ♪

♪ But then, how we love making up again ♪

♪ Kimmy kisses like no one can ♪

♪ She's my missus and I'm her man ♪

♪ And life is heaven, you see ♪

♪ 'Cause I love Kimmy ♪

♪ Yes, I love Kimmy ♪

♪ And Kimmy loves ♪

♪ Me ♪

Oh, Ricky.

Oh Lucy.

[old-style film music plays]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[theme tune plays]