02x05 - Doggy Daddy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Fuller House". Aired February 2016 - June 2020.*
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"Fuller House" revolves around the recently widowed D.J. Tanner-Fuller, who is now a veterinarian and mother of three sons. After her husband dies, she enlists the help of her sister and her best friend to move in and help her raise her boys.
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02x05 - Doggy Daddy

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪


♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪


♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪


♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪


♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪


♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Hey, hey, hey...

Where is my couch going?

This is my lazy Sunday.

As opposed to your lazy
Monday through Saturday?

It just so happens
that I have a very hectic life.

But today I'm relaxing
with my rock star biographies.

I've got Tina Turner and Janis Joplin

and Ariana Grande.

It's mostly pictures.

Sorry, but Ramona needs the room

for her big audition for world-renowned
dance coach, Signore Giuseppe Pignoli.

If he likes me, he's my ticket
to the San Francisco School of the Arts.

Giuseppe's the best.

When he took on Miley Cyrus,
she could barely even twerk.

Oh, thanks for moving the furniture.
More room for Tommy's playdate.

Whoa, whoa, what playdate?
I need the living room.

Oh, so do I.

I have two toddlers coming over
from our Mommy and Me group.

I need Tommy to make some friends.

Can -year-olds really make friends?

I mean...

They have the vocabulary of a carrot.

Show her you're not a carrot.

OK, he's a carrot.

OK, chickens, welcome to your new home.

A little help here?

Uh, Max. What are those?

Wow, you really did grow up in the city.

They're chickens.

The goofy one is Joey,

the one with the big beak is Danny

and the one with the Elvis hair
is Jesse.

I meant how did you get them?

Fernando took me to the chicken store.

It's a part of my One Kid
Can Make A Difference project.

We talked about this.

We talked about you starting
a little backyard sustainable farm.

You can't have a farm without chickens.

Just ask Old McDonald.

He had a cluck, cluck everywhere.

[sighs] I did not know until today
that a chicken could get car sick.

Did you buy Max three chickens
without my permission?

[Spanish accent] Actually, I bought four.

But I opened the sun roof
without thinking.

So much for chicken Becky.

Hola, hijita, are you ready
for your big audition?

I'm ready. But I really need your help.

I need you to impress Signore Pignoli

with how much our family
loves the art of dance.

Of course.

We are your biggest athletic supporters.

I don't think that means
what you think it means.

It means we are
a jockstrap for her dreams.

Oh. Well, then,
I guess it is what you meant.

[pecking]

Do you hear pecking at the door?

Chicken Becky, you found us!

Come in.

Chickens, meet my dog, Cosmo,
and my Aunt Stephanie.

She's taking a little vacation.

From what?

Nobody knows.

From a sassy -year-old.

I'm not sassy, I'm delightful.

Mom says either I have to help you
with your garden or "read something."

So here I am.

Whoa, Mom let you have chickens?!

Of course she did. I'm her favorite son.

Her face lights up
every time I walk into a room.

Mom loves us all the same.

It's so cute that you believe that.

You know, I'm gonna go read something.

No, you're not.

You're right.

Chickens,

have some corn cob.

[barks]

[sighs] Cosmo, I love you,
but I'm very busy.

Here, go fetch.

So, just between us chickens,

how much do you guys
hate Colonel Sanders?

OK, Tommy, Teddy, Bryan,

there's gonna be
a dance audition in here

and there's a chicken convention
in the backyard.

So what if we bake cookies
in the kitchen?

Any objections?

[silence]

OK, it's unanimous!

[doorbell rings]

It's always open!

[panting] Hey, Deej.

Hey! What are you guys doing

in your little, matching little
bike shorts that are very little?

Well, we were just mountain biking
up and down

all seven hills of San Francisco.

What fun that was!

And next, we're gonna swim to Alcatraz.

Oh, boy!

As soon as I use the little girls' room.
I hope you don't mind.

[still panting]
You just hurry up, sweetie.

I can't wait to burn some more calories!

[fake laughs]

She's k*lling me, DJ. I gotta lay down.

[groans]

Hey, what are you doing
with that corn cob?

Cosmo, drop that. You can't have that.

[gasps] No!

He swallowed it.

Oh, that's not good.

Mom, thanks for making me read.
I just finished To k*ll a Mockingbird.

Oh, spoiler alert,
they k*ll the mockingbird.

Boys, we have a bigger problem.
Cosmo swallowed a corn cob.

Dogs can't digest something that big.

I didn't know that.

I threw one for him to fetch.

We gotta take him to the clinic
and get this corn cob out of there.

I'm coming with you.

And so is Jackson.

Why do I have to go?

Because when I don't have my dog,
you're my emotional support animal.

[shouts] Steph!

Hey. You would not believe what they put
Ariana Grande through on Sam & Cat.

It is a miracle she's so grounded.

Matt and I need to get to the clinic.
Will you watch the toddlers?

All of them?

No, pick your favorite.

Thank you. OK. All right, great.
Have fun!

[Matt] Here we go, in the car, come on.

[Steph] Uh, hurry back.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

What do you say you little ankle biters
give me a break and take a nap, huh?

Yeah?

Right. On your marks, get set... sleep.

All right, I should tire you out first.
OK, ready? Here we go.

Everybody chase me.

Here we go!

- And I'm running!
- Ooh! Cardio!

Well, there is definitely
a corn cob in Cosmo's belly.

That's not the one I threw.

Mine was yellow.

We're just gonna make
a little incision and take it out.

You're going to cut Cosmo open?

[panicked]
Don't do it! Cut me open instead!

How's that gonna help?

You're right. Cut Jackson!

Max, relax, OK?

We're gonna put Cosmo to sleep,
it won't hurt him a bit.

Cosmo?

I'm sorry. I'm your doggy daddy
and I let you down.

Come on, boy.

Hey, don't worry, Max, OK?
He's gonna be fine.

He'd better be.

Cosmo's my best friend
in the whole world.

OK. No pressure.

A little nerve-racking,
operating on our family dog.

I really appreciate you being here.

I'm always here for you.

[cell beeps]

Sorry.

Oh, it's Crystal.

Oh...

That's what I forgot.

Once upon a time, there was
a beautiful princess named Stephanie.

And when I say beautiful, I am talking
fairest in the land, smokin' hot.

Now, one lazy Sunday,
which she totally deserved,

she was suddenly besieged
by three tiny monsters.

Each with their own magic power.

One could spill apple juice
out of even the strongest sippy cup.

One could throw a tantrum
for no reason whatsoever.

And the third, he could fill a diaper
with such speed and volume

that it brought tears
to the princess' eyes.

[fake cries]

Aww.

Yes...

[clucking]

Oh.

And look, enchanted chickens
from a magic portal.

[doorbell rings]

I got it, it's Signore Pignoli.

Agh! What's on my dance floor?

Well, it's, you know,
some free-range chickens,

some free-range babies
and... a couple sock puppets.

Maybe he won't notice.

Buongiorno!

This is not what it looks like.

It looks like a petting zoo
full of chickens and piggies.

Well, we were just leaving.

Hi, I'm Stephanie.

[little girl voice]
And I'm Princess Stephanie!

I'm sorry. You're the first adult
that I've talked to all day.

Fascinating.

Here, hold the baby.

Yes.

All right, shoo chickens.

Danny, Jesse, Joey, Becky,

get out, this is our house now.

Here, I'll take that.

Oh...

And look what is going on in there.
There is a chicken riding a baby.

All right. No more distractions.

I hope not.

[Fernando] Ra-da-da-da da da...

Who are those people?

I have no idea.

We are Fernando

and Kimberlina Gibbler-Hernandez
- Guerrero-Fernandez-Guerrero,

the proud parents

of Ramona Gibbler-Hernandez
- Guerrero-Fernandez-Guerrero.

[laughs awkwardly]
Oh, that's right, they're my family.

They love to dress up.

[in Italian]
It's an honor for you to meet us.

[Signore Pignoli] What?

We just came from
our ballroom dancing class,

because everyone in our family
loves the art of dance.

[in Italian] I've heard you are the best
egg beater in all the dance coach.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

[in Italian] Grilled cheese.

[groans]

You guys are embarrassing me.

How?

We were being supportive
like you asked us to.

- I even learned Italian.
- Oh, no, you didn't.

This isn't what I meant.

You guys went way overboard.

Now go way away.

Ramona, I am right on the brink
of getting my feelings hurt.

I don't have time
to worry about your feelings.

Fine. Buona notte, calamari.

Stupid corn cob.

This is why I hate vegetables.

Cosmo's gonna be fine.

Mom's one of the top five vets
in San Francisco.

It says so right here
in this pamphlet she wrote.

But I'm his doggy daddy
and I'm sorry I let him down.

It was an accident.

And I'm sorry I said
I was Mom's favorite.

Don't worry about it.

And I'm sorry I gave your bike
to a homeless man.

It's OK.

You did what?

I didn't have any spare change.

What were you thinking?
I made Mom file a police report!

Be nice to me, I'm having a bad day.

Did I ever tell you about Leon, my gecko?

The one that left you to go work
at that insurance company?

Yes, but...

I made that up.

The truth is I let Leon play outside
and I went inside for a fudgsicle.

When I came back... Leon was gone.

So he can't save me
up to % on my car insurance?


I'm afraid not.

How's that story supposed to help me?

Not sure.
It's the only pet story I've got.

But trust me,

everything's gonna be OK.

Thanks, Jackson.

[pop music plays]

[music stops]

Ramona, the way you move,

like an Italian widow
at a meatball buffet.

That's exactly what I was going for.

Now, show me. What else have you got?

Oh.

That was all I prepared.

Listen, I would like to see
something more ballroom.

Like what you see on those wildly
popular competition dance shows.

Show me a cha-cha-cha.

Yeah, a quickstep.

A pasodoble.

It's a shame you're not me.

I am so great.

I can tango.

But I need a partner.

Don't move.

[both fake laughing]

Kimberlina, you slay me.

Hey Mom. Papa.
Good to see you're still here.

Well, we are certainly
not allowed to be in there.

I would like to sincerely apologize
for my rudeness earlier in the day.

But I need you to come back in there
and help me out, so what do you say?

Everybody forgives me,
and great! Let's go!

I notice no one is coming with me.

What's the magic word?

Please?

Wrong.

How is "Please" not the magic word?

Based on what we overheard
while eavesdropping...

the magic word is,
"Will you tango with me, Papa?"

Will you tango with me, Papa?

Ah.

The magic word.

Shall we dance?

[tango music plays]

Stop!

[music stops]

You move like a gazelle in the night.

Graceful, elegant, gazelle-ish.

Ramona, I found it very demeaning
to rate dancers with a score,

but people seem to like it.

So...

[shouts] Ten!

Ramona, I would be honored
to be your dance coach.

Really? You mean it?

- Yes. Yes, I do.
- [gasps excitedly]

Ooh! [laughs]

This will be our first and last
group hug, so savor... [inhales]

and release.

Great work, Doctor Fuller.

If I ever swallow a corn cob,
I know who to call.

Thank you for being here.
It was really sweet of you.

Oh.

So.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Well, I...

I couldn't wait any longer. Is Cosmo OK?

Who?

Oh, yeah, Cosmo came
through like a champ.

Yeah, a little rest
and he'll be as good as new.

Really?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hey, I helped.

I tried to help.

[sighs] Mom, I've been thinking.

All of this happened
because I'm a terrible doggy daddy.

I don't deserve Cosmo,
so could you take care of him for me?

Max, you're a wonderful doggy daddy.

And parenting isn't about being perfect.

It's about love.

And nobody loves this dog
more than you do.

Cosmo is very lucky to have you.

And I'm lucky to have him.

OK, Cosmo, I'm giving myself
a second chance.

And I promise I'll do better.

Could someone lift me up
so I can give Cosmo a kiss?

I got this.

Thanks, you guys. Send me the bill.

And then I'll give it to you, Mom.

So where were we?

In the middle of a pretty awkward moment.

That's happening again.

Maybe we should talk
about that awkward thing.

Maybe we should.

Or maybe we shouldn't.
You have a girlfriend.

You're right, I keep forgetting her.

Thank you. I'll finish up here.

Yes, and, um...

I'm gonna get out of these bike shorts

because I can't feel a thing
below my waist and... that worries me.

"So, after years
on this big blue marble,

I've learned that
with the right personal trainer,

you can climb any mountain.

May all your dreams be Grande.
Ariana out."

Wow, you know, it is so nice

to see things turn out well
for one of those child sitcom stars.

Come on, Max.
Let's go give Cosmo his medicine.

Cosmo, to make it up to you,

I'll give you
a big bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Oh, Max, no.
Chocolate is poisonous for dogs.

Seriously?

These dogs should come
with an owner's manual.

Whoa!

Aww. Look at you.
You have everything under control.

Thanks for taking care
of Tommy's little friends.

- Their moms picked them up?
- Yeah, I assume so.

You know, when I woke up, they were gone.

[cackles]

All right, I will go put Tommy to bed.

Oh, and by the way, chicken Jesse
is in your bathtub. Not my problem.

[kisses Tommy]

[doorbell rings]

It's always open.

- Hi, DJ.
- Hey, Matt, what...

Wait. What are you doing?

I broke up with Crystal.

You did?

Yes, look, we had this big talk
and we agreed that...

I still have strong feelings for you, DJ,

and then she just
rollerbladed off into the sunset.

Really?

You still have feelings for me?

You know I do.

All I want is to give you and me
a real sh*t.

If you still have any feelings for me.

You know I do.

Team Matt. I win. Pay up.

Hey, I'm not counting Steve out yet.

Double or nothing?

You're on.

Were they betting on us?

No.

Maybe.

Kiss me.

Welcome to Ramona's World,

my vlog exploring the world of Ramona,
with your host, Ramona.

For the past two weeks,

I've been studying with world-renowned
dance coach, Signore Giuseppe Pignoli.

He loves me,
but I think he loves my family more.

Let me show you.

[jazz plays]

This has been going on non-stop
for the past week.

DJ and Stephanie have dance fever.

It's : a.m.

Tomorrow he's got the whole family
doing West Side Story.

Yeah!

- Whoo!
- [panting]

OK.

Ten!

[all cheer]

Ten.

[all cheer]

[little voice] Two.

Two?

There is always one judge
that's impossible to please.

♪ One, two, three, four... ♪

[theme tune plays]
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