02x06 - Fuller Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everybody eventually
Says that they're as lost as you ♪

♪ So everybody shout it together ♪

♪ Hey! Don't sell your dreams so soon ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

OK, people, who can tell me
what Thanksgiving is all about?

Fernando.

Giving thanks for all our blessings.

Wrong.

Thanksgiving is about me.

Me hosting the perfect Thanksgiving!

Which takes macrothinking, micromanaging

and a little microwaving.

It's gonna be a very full house,

so here is your schedule
of tomorrow's activities,

suggested dress code and a voucher
good for one six-minute shower.

Do I really have to specify
light or dark meat right now?

Of course not.

You have until : .

Even Dad wasn't this neurotic.

And he used to vacuum the fridge.

OK, make fun of me if you want,

but now that Dad lives in L.A.

and Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky
are there too,

and Joey's stuck in Vegas,

this is our one chance all year
to get the whole family together.

And that's why this has to be

the best Thanksgiving
in the history of Thanksgivings!

Ah, you are something cute
with your holiday spirit.

Aw, and you are something cute
when you tell me I'm something cute.

[plays trombone]

Grandpa Danny's here!

Oh! OK, let's go!

Grab the sleeping chart.

I'm so excited to meet
your dad and his wife.

Oh, well, Teri's with her family,
but you're gonna love my dad.

I haven't seen Old Man
Tanner in years.

Now he's gonna be Older Man Tanner.

I'm sure you remember,
but he's not a big fan of the Gibblers.

Yeah, so nobody tell him
that I'm dating Jimmy Gibbler.

In that case, call me Jimmy Gobbler.

In honor of Thanksgiving, you know.

OK.

- Hey!
- Hey, my peeps!

What's cr*ck-a-lackin'?

Yo, family fist bumps, come on.
All around.

Yeah, and et cetera.

- Is that your Ferrari on the sidewalk?
- True dat.

Should have seen me
blazing through Fresno.

This dude gives me
a look like, "Let's go",

and I give him a look like, "It's on",

and then I just blew the doors
right off his Prius.

Up high, my posse.

Yeah!

And et cetera.

Uh, excuse me, sir,
but have you seen our dad?

Because, if you do,

could you tell him that we're
very concerned about whatever this is?

Most def, Steph.

Excuse me. Dad, this is my boyfriend,
Doctor Matt Harmon.

It's great to finally
meet you, Mr Tanner.

Ah. So you and Donna Jo
been getting jiggy with it?

Urban Dictionary. Look it up.

And Aunt Stephanie is dating
Kimmy's brother, Jimmy Gobbler.

Max, we just discussed this.

What? I said Gobbler, not Gibbler.

You're dating a Gibbler?

Down low, home slice.

Up top, white bread.

Yeah!

Chest bump!

- Ow.
- Sorry.

Beware the pit bull.

Dad, according to my sleeping chart,
you're back in your old room.

Oh, sweet! Back in the OG crib.

Mac Danny, out.

I don't know what he's
on, but I like him.

[plays trombone]

It's Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky.

Aw, those two are just like Kimmy and I.

So crazy in love.

[Jesse]
You promised to stop talking about it.

[Becky] You're the one talking about it.

[Jesse]
Because you can't stop talking about it.

[both] Hi.

- Are you and Aunt Becky fighting?
- No.

We're just expressing our love loudly.
That's how much we love each other.

Right, Honey Bear?

You got it, Butter Nuts.

See? We're not fighting. Butter Nuts?

Steph.

- Hey, Uncle Jesse.
- Hi.

[plays trombone]

It's our cousins, Nicky and Alex.

Oh, hey, guys!

Or Alex and Nicky.
I can never tell them apart.

Look, the boys brought fish tacos from
their mildly successful fish taco truck.

That I paid for.

Yes, which reminds us,
the refrigerator broke.

So eat up before the mayo turns rancid.

Deej, where are we staying?

Oh. All four of you
are back in your old room.

Feel free to use my hair gel, my mousse,
my dippity-do...

Amateur. I got this covered.

[plays trombone]

Max, everyone who's coming is here.

No, they're not.

Happy turkey day!

Uh-oh. Ginger disappeared.

That's what you get
when you marry a magician.

Do you believe in...

magic?

[giggles]

I believe in RSVPs.

What are you guys doing here?

[both] You didn't RSVP?
I thought you did.

Jinx, buy me a coke!

Yeah, OK... Um...

Let me check, yeah, we can, um...

I'll squeeze you in.

Yeah, I don't know what I'd have done
if you'd brought your kids.

[singsong] Hello.

[singsong] Hello.

[singsong] Hello.

[singsong] Hello.

[sadly echoes "Hello"]

They seem adorable.

Oh, yeah, so do koala bears.

Until they rip your face off.

Say "Hello" to America's
next great singing sensation,

The Gladstone Four!

Jerry, Lewis, Phyllis and Joan.

You guys have gotten so big.
How old are you now?

- Five.
- Six.

- Seven.
- Eight.

OK, well, uh...
The boys can bunk with Jackson and Max.

And the girls are with Ramona.

Thanks, DJ. Come on, Gladstone Four,
let's go upstairs.

One, two, three, four!

[all four] Up we go to the second floor!

[Ginger] Five, six, seven, eight!

[all four]
Climbing stairs is really great!

Oh, did I hit the jackpot or what?

Jess, I'd like to put this argument aside
until after Thanksgiving.

- That's what I want.
- I just wanna have a fun weekend.

- That's what I want.
- Then I wanna adopt a baby.

That's not what I want.

I'm serious. I have baby fever.

Maybe it's allergies, take a Claritin.

Becky, as you know,
I'm a man of a certain...

age.

- You can't say it, can you?
- And you'd better not either.

If we adopt a kid now,

by the time it's in junior high school,
I'll be on my third hip.

Jesse, you are in incredible shape.
You could wear my jeans!

In fact, you are.

I like the way they hug my curves.

Bec, I've finally got you to myself.

The boys are on their own,
they're all grown up.

Mom, did you pack my retainer?

- Yeah, next to your Flintstone vitamins.
- Yes!

See? Don't you just love
those parenting moments?

Not that much, no.

I got an idea, why don't we go away?
Just you and me. We'll go on a safari.

We'll sleep with lions circling our tent,

it'll be fun, it'll be exciting,
it'll be baby-free.

OK, fine, we'll go on a safari.

Well, that backfired.

Please don't make me go on a safari.
Lions scare me.

You don't know what you want!

Mom has a good point, Dad.

Hey, I gave you that fish taco truck,
I can take it away.

Dad's got a good point, Mom.

What is going on in here?

We're playing dress-up.

[dramatic] Look at me, I'm Ramona.

[dramatic] I wear makeup.

[fake laughs]

Who told you you could
wear my clothes and my makeup?

This is so uncool.

I'm Ramona,
and I use big words like "So uncool."

Why don't you guys take off my stuff
and let's play Clean Up My Room.

We have a better idea.

Let's have...

a pillow fight!

What? Oh. [laughs weakly]

Please. Stop that.

Stop that.

You know, I always wanted sisters.

Now I don't.

[Joan and Phyllis laugh]

[Max groans]

Come on, guys. Seriously?

This is all your fault!

They said it was a magic trick.

They lied to me!

You're supposed to be
smarter than a -year-old.

Ooh! Dirty laundry!

- Oh, no, come on guys, seriously?
- [Max] No, that's ten days old!

That's... Oh, God!

Oh, dude! It smells!

Is that my gym shorts?

[Max and Jackson groan]

[Max] Let's get out of here.

- Hey.
- [shouts] Get me out!

Those kids are animals.

That's insulting to animals.

Ooh.

[DJ and Stephanie] Ah!

[both] Yay!

Can you move that kid?
I need a place to crash.

Are you and Aunt Becky OK?

Oh, yeah, we're great.

You know, sometimes we like
to sleep in separate rooms

and then later I sneak in
as TSA Officer Jesse.

I make her take her shoes off
and I pat her down thoroughly.

TSA Officer Jesse's
not sneaking back in tonight.

Here's your toothbrush

and your hairnet.

Hey, homies, I'm home-y.

I just threw up in my eyes.

Funny story, I was just hoverboarding
down at the end of the pier

and suddenly the icy waters of the bay
just beckoned to me,

so me being the devil-may-care
dare-devil that I be,

I just got all naked
and I just dived right in.

Wait, you actually went skinny dipping
in the bay at night?

Oh, yeah.

And it was exhilarating at first,

until these sketchy thug types,
they stole all my threads.

So then I had to nude hoverboard
over to a nearby church

and I fetched these
out of the donation bins.

How do you like me now?

Sorry, I was just daydreaming
about your nude hoverboarding.

Hey, Dad, can Uncle Jesse crash with you?

Things are a little rocky
with him and Aunt Becky.

Oh, really? You wanna talk about it?

No.

OK, then you can crash with me.

Mom, we cannot stay in our own rooms.

You have to get rid of Joey's kids.

Yeah, they're criminally insane.

That's insulting to the
criminally insane.

[sighs] I know they're a handful.

Tell you what, just sleep with us tonight

and we'll make it
a Fuller family slumber party.

Did someone say slumber party?

[Joey's kids scream and cheer]

[screaming continues]

- [air mattress deflating]
- [DJ and Steph groan]

Where is everybody?

They're minutes late
for the family photo.

They're out having fun playing football.

Sweetie, you seem a little grumpy.
Did you get any sleep last night?

Well, not much.

I mean, Tommy was crying,

Stephanie was snoring,

there were six kids getting up to pee
and the one kid who didn't.

Well, you know what you need.

Yeah, what I need are all people to
adhere to my carefully crafted schedule.

I was thinking more like a kiss.

Well, that would cut into
my basting time, but...

it would stop me from complaining.

Happy Thanks... What the heck?

- Steve!
- Steve.

Yeah, I'm Steve.

What is going on here?

Uh.

Yeah, you tell him, Matt.
He's your best bud.

Yeah, but you guys go way back.

In fact... I'm gonna go wait in the car.

No, what...
What we're trying to say is, um...

Well... Matt and I just started dating.

- No...
- Ah!

...way, Jose!

Wow! Isn't that great?

I always thought that you guys
would make the loveliest couple.

You know, we should all get together
for a really big dinner.

Oh, wait, we are!

You know, um...
As long as you guys are happy,

I'm super cool with this.

All right, I mean, besides,

I am totally in love with DJ.

I mean CJ.

C. With a C.

Not a D. And then a J.

DJ.

Wait.

I mean CJ!

He does that a lot.

Hey, we're back!

[DJ exclaims indistinctly]

You're late! There's no time to change
for the family photo, let's go people!

In the living room. Around the couch.

Smallest to tallest.
Smallest to tallest, please.

Keep moving, people,
let's go, let's go...

Move it!

Guess who won the game?

What... What happened to you?

Life, yo.

I went long and ended up deep.

You know what, DJ?

Mud feels good.

- Excuse me.
- Whoa, get away from me, you're filthy.

Bad enough having to
share a bed with you last night.

Jesse, you know that's not what happened.

It ain't like you ran away.

OK, everyone. Gather round the couch.

I'm way behind schedule.

Cut it out.

Ramona, that's not how you say it.

It's not angry, it's playful.

Let's how her, g*ng.

[Joey's family] Cut it out!
Jinx, buy me a coke!

- [overlapping chatter]
- OK, guys, I need you to focus.

Is anyone even listening to me?

[DJ] Thanks, Dad.

Jess, look at how cute
his little face is!

Aw.

Don't you wanna adopt one of these?

Oh, my gosh, are you
guys adopting a baby?

That's amazing!

[all cheer]

We're not adopting a baby.

[booing]

See why I didn't wanna bring this up?

You think this family will take
the side of a guy who's anti-baby?

[all boo]

See? Now I'm the bad guy.

I don't think you're a bad guy.

You just hate babies.

This is the last time I'm gonna ask.

Line up and look happy
for crying out loud.

Oh!

Lewis just gave me a wet willy.

[kids chatter]

[indistinct conversations]

OK, I give up.

I am canceling the picture
and I'm not rescheduling.

Your loss, people.

Man, she's so uptight.
Where did she get that?

What happened to my perfect Thanksgiving?

Aw, come on, Deej.

Today is all about family.

Don't let our family ruin that.

But Dad has lost his mind,

Jesse and Becky won't stop bickering

and Joey's family
is totally out of control.

- You know what we gotta do?
- Sneak off to Olive Garden.

Tempting, but not yet.

First, let's try to parent the parents.

OK? I'll talk to Uncle Jesse,
Deej, you get Dad,

Kimmy, you get the easy job.

Tell Joey his kids need to straighten up
or hit the bricks.

Stephanie's right.
It is up to us to save Thanksgiving.

Let's do it.

Today, we're the she-turkey pack.

Yeah!

Come on, everybody, let's gobble-howl.

[gobble-howls]

Well, sure, it looks dumb
if I'm the only one doing it, come on!

[gobble-howls]

Get your wattle up, come on.

[all gobble-howl]

Dad,

are you having
some kind of mid-life crisis?

No.

I just started acting completely
different in the middle of my life.

The middle?

OK, I'm having a two-thirds-life crisis.

It all started last week, Deej.

I was dusting
the top of my big oak bookcase,

I hadn't wiped it down for, like,
three days. I know, shame on me.

So, I'm standing on this stepstool

and all of a sudden it gives way
and I fall to the ground,

and then the solid oak bookcase
starts coming towards me,

and it's gonna fall on me

and I think to myself,
"You're gonna die right now,

and you just spent your whole life
being a cardigan-wearing,

hug-obsessed neat freak."

And then I thought, "You know what?
With whatever time you've got left,

you just put your pedal to the metal."

Wow.

That was one slow-falling bookcase.

But go on.

Well, luckily I was able to
get out of the way

before I got impaled
by my incredibly heavy BAMPYA.

Your Bay Area
Morning Personality of the Year Award?

Yeah, my BAMPYA.

So I got up and I went
straight to the Ferrari dealership.

Yeah, about that Ferrari you bought,

is that really you, Dad?

Well, to tell you the
truth it's a rental.

And to be totally honest,
I miss my Honda Accord.

[coughs violently]

I hate cigars! Why am I doing this?

I'm glad to hear you say that,

because I miss my sweater-wearing,
Honda-loving nerd bomber dad.

Me too.

He was adorable.

DJ, it's just been weird.

I just turned ...

and I just started thinking,

"What's it all about?"

Oh, well, that one's easy.

Everyone in this house
is here because of you.

We're what it's all about.

You're right.

Thanks, Deej.

Oh, man, I...
I want a hug so bad right now.

Bring it in, Dad!

[Danny] Mmm.

Oh...

Could I have an extra shower voucher?

I got mud in places
that I didn't know mud could be.

Boy, Kimmy.

Your daughter's a slob!

Joey,

I need to say something

and you're not gonna like it.

But there are four people in this house
who are causing big problems.

I think I know
where you're going with this.

Oh.

Good.

Yeah, they're annoying, obnoxious,
they get on people's nerves,

I'm totally with you on this one.

Great, so you'll tell them
to shape up or ship out?

With pleasure.

I'm gonna give Jesse, Becky
and the taco twins and earful.

- No, wait, that's not what I meant.
- No, don't worry.

I'll do it with a funny voice,

[nasal] so it won't sound so harsh.

[laughs]

You know what, Kimmy, you have really
blossomed into a terrific young woman.

Steph and DJ
are so lucky to have you here.

Aw.

Joey, we are so lucky to have you here.

Thanks.

In fact, you and your family
can stay as long as you'd like.

Kimmy, thank you so much,
the kids would love that!

[both laugh]

You know what?
We're gonna stay an extra week.

Yes! Sounds good.

[Kimmy sighs]

That went well.

Wait a minute, what are we doing in here?

Look, Tommy likes a story
before he goes to bed

- and nobody reads better than you.
- I know what you're up to.

You're trying to trick me
into wanting a baby again

by showing me how much I love babies,
how much babies love me

and by complimenting my hair.

- I didn't compliment your hair.
- I know, I keep waiting. It looks awesome.

Still waiting.

- OK, your hair looks awesome.
- Hair flattery will get you nowhere.

Wait.

Look, I know that you're stubborn,

but I also know
how much you love Aunt Becky.

All right? Don't forget that.

Here.

- Come here, kid.
- Now...

use your Elvis voice.

Kids love that.

I know I did.

The Little Engine That Could...

The King knows this one by heart.
All right.

[Elvis voice] Once upon a time, there was
a little itty bitty mystery train.

It was going up the Hunka Hunka Hill
to get a clambake.

And he said, "One for the money,

I think I can, I think I can,
I think I can.

Two for the show.

I think I can, I think I can,
I think I can.

Three to get ready and go cat, go!
Go cat go, go cat go...

Ha ha!

I love that story.

[in Elvis voice]
Well, thank you very much.

Jess, I was talking to Stephanie and...
maybe you're right.

[normal voice]
Well, I like where this is going.

You raised two boys with me
and three girls with Danny and Joey.

You deserve to retire from diaper duty.

What's the catch?

Jess, I didn't wanna just
raise another child,

I wanted to raise one with you.

And if we're both not into this %,
then we shouldn't do it at all.

Are you sure?
I know you really wanted this.

Only if you did.

Love you. Carry on, boys.

You see that, kid? You see that?

Now, that's a good woman right there.

That is a good woman.

When you get married,
you find a woman like Becky, OK?

Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

Ha, I've still got it.

OK, I'm back on track.

Where did all my food go?

Oh, well, you seemed busy,

so I gave you a little hand
with the food and the table.

Oh, no, you shouldn't have done that.

Nobody puts together
a better Thanksgiving table than...

you!

Where did you get the cornucopias?

They were in my trunk.

You never know.

[overlapping chatter]

I thought this year
we'd be at the grown-up table.

Mom, Alex is kicking me.

And that's why
you're still at the kids' table.

I'd like to make a toast, please.

To my daughter, DJ.

For reminding me what's
important in life.

My beautiful family and friends.

And for this incredible
Thanksgiving feast.

Well, CJ helped a little.

I told them.

[all] Cheers!

[glasses clink]

I would like to make a toast.

Um...

To the new couple, Matt and DJ.

Who knows if it'll work out?

The statistics say no.

But... I'm pulling for you.

[Steve] Cheers.
[all] Cheers.

Well...

let's hold hands, you too, kids,

and let's give thanks.

Dear God, thank you.

We are so grateful
for this wonderful meal.

And we're so fortunate
that we're all here together

and we're healthy.

We miss Michelle, we hope
that she'll be with us next year.

Come, it'll be fun.

Amen.

[all] Amen.

I'd like to say something
about my beautiful wife.

Becky has such a big heart and she's
been saying that somewhere out there

there's a kid that needs our love.

So I'm here to tell everyone,

let's do this.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

We can adopt a baby?

I'd like that.

Oh.

Have mercy.

[clears throat]

This may not be the best time...

[nasal] but Kimmy asked me to tell Jesse
and his family some difficult news.

Definitely not the best time.

[normal voice]
I'd also like to thank Kimmy, uh,

for inviting me and my entire family

to stay, and I quote,

"for as long as you'd like."

I'm going to a motel.

OK, everyone, grab some food.
Kids, come on over.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[overlapping chatter]

[over chatter] ♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictabililty? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everybody eventually
Says that they're as lost as you ♪

♪ So everybody shout it together ♪

♪ Hey! Don't sell your dreams so soon ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪