02x13 - Happy New Year Baby

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Fuller House". Aired February 2016 - June 2020.
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"Fuller House" revolves around the recently widowed D.J. Tanner-Fuller, who is now a veterinarian and mother of three sons. After her husband dies, she enlists the help of her sister and her best friend to move in and help her raise her boys.
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02x13 - Happy New Year Baby

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[doorbell rings]

[shouts] Just a minute!

[shouts] It's always open, Matt.

Happy New...


You're not Matt.


You don't even need to sign for this.

Oh, no, I was just expecting
my boyfriend back from India.


Thank you.

No, no, no. Thank you.

Hey, there's a package!

Although not the package
I was hoping for.


this is for me.

This is the Argentinean dress

Fernando wants me to wear
for the New Year's Eve party tonight.

Oh, that is so sweet.

And so hideous.

There's no way I'm wearing this.

It's way too big and bright and loud.

And that's coming from me.

- So what are you going to tell Fernando?
- Oh, I'm gonna tell him the truth.

That it never came.

[doorbell rings]

It's always open, Matt.

Sorry. Not Matt.

Is he coming back today?

No, she always wears
leg makeup for breakfast.

Hey, Deej, I bought so much awesome stuff
for your New Year's party.

And guess what, it was all % off.
Can you believe it?

Yes, I can.
Because those are from last year.

Would you mind returning all this stuff,
angel food cake?

It's just, there's some stuff I need to...
talk to DJ about, OK, pudding pop?

Yeah, and maybe DJ can help you

come up with a nickname for me
that, I don't know, isn't a food.

We will work on that, sugar.


- Love you.
- I love you.

- See you guys later.
- Bye.

Bye, lamb chop.

OK. Really big news.
You'd better sit down.

That's not the big news, by the way.

I wanna propose to CJ tonight.

You wanna propose tonight?


In my house?


Right in front of me?

You know, maybe, or to the side of you.

I haven't figured out
where everybody's standing yet.

But listen, I'm pretty sure
I know what I wanna say,

but can I run it by you first?

And by run it by you first, I mean
will you please write it for me?

Yes, sure. Of course.

It's always been my dream to write
my ex-boyfriend's marriage proposal.

So what have you got so far?

Oh, um...


That's it.

It's a good start.

You know what, I can't say what's
in my heart without food in my stomach.

I'm gonna go nuke a frozen pizza.

[doorbell rings]

[shouts] Come in, Matt!


Happy New Year.

How perfect that we are picking up
our adopted baby in San Francisco.

Now we can ring in the New Year
with you guys.


It's almost like
every important moment in our life

always happens in this house
or around this house.

Seriously, thank you guys
for driving up last minute

to share this beautiful moment with us.

Wouldn't miss it for the world, Jess.

Plus you're driving me
to my colonoscopy on Monday.

I brought a little friend with me,
hope you don't mind.

[all] Ah...

[funny voice]
This is something I would not miss.

- You wanna... ?
- Yeah.

- Hi, Danny.
- I'll get the luggage.

Hi, Danny. Hi, Jess.

- Bye, Danny.
- Bye.

Bye, Jess.

OK, this filter makes us look like
we're in Tokyo,

so everyone yell "Happy New Year"
in Japanese.

How do you say that?

I don't know. I was born in Fresno.

OK, fine. Say...

[speaking Japanese]

[all repeat]

What are you doing here?

Mom said you guys have to include me
in your New Year's Eve party.

So what's up, my squad?

We are not your squad.

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Mom said.

So let's start-ay this part-ay.

Hey, Max.

I think that this part-ay
needs some guacamol-ay,

if you know what I'm saying.

Sure, big bro.

Be back with the dippin',
so don't be trippin'.

Yo, yo.

We gotta get rid of Max tonight.

I know a guy who knows a guy.

Not that kind of "get rid of."

I don't want him messing up
the midnight kisses.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

We haven't agreed to any kisses.

Uh... I did.

Are you still mad at me
about that hippo video?

I said I was sorry.

And I've been giving you lots of stuff.

I do appreciate
the vanilla scented candle,

and the Quiznos punch card.

If you buy three more subs,
you get a free panini.

But I'm still not promising any kisses.

I understand.

I can't buy your love
with bribes, gifts and trinkets.

Here, have a Toblerone.

You are a good eater, little dude.

Well, I've got to admit, adopting a baby
is way easier than being pregnant.

I've already lost the baby weight.

And you can have
one of my world-famous piña Gibbladas.

Served in a baby bottle,
because you're having a baby.

And Fernando's not ready for a sippy cup.

[Spanish accent] I'm only spilling
my wine because I'm upset.

Kimberlina's Argentinean dress
was lost in the mail.

I checked the tracking online and they
said it was delivered here today.

They did?


I assume it went to the wrong house,
so I've been up and down the block,

pounding on doors.

You have?


And the harder I knock,
the less they answer.

So I would yell,
"Have you seen my dress?"

And they would yell...

[American accent]
"We're calling the police."

I remember when Kimmy and I were kids,
our mom used to feed us creamed spinach.

Only she called it ice cream.


Can you imagine how upset I was
when I finally tasted real ice cream?

- Hey, hun. You want a Gibblada?
- Yeah.

They are almost as good
as your Gibbler-itas.


Hey, I was thinking, Steph-Boyardee.

Maybe one day we'll have
one of these baby people.

One that we make together.

What are you talking about?

Well, you see, when a man and a woman
love each other very, very much...

- Jimmy...
- There's a stork involved...

Yes, OK. Yes. I know how babies are made.

[sighs with relief]

Good, 'cause that talk
is always so awkward.

Yes, it is.

[giggles nervously]

Good job, Cosmo.

I wish I was as regular as you are.

Come on, let us manly men enjoy this
manly drink on this manly lawn,

while I build us a manly campfire.

Mmm. f*re good.

Jess, we are so happy for you.

Thank you.

Do you realize we celebrated
just like this right before DJ was born,

almost years ago?

years ago.
Man, we are old farts, aren't we?

[all laugh]

Hey, to farts.

[all] To farts.

Well, you know guys,
I've been thinking a lot

about who's going to be
the Godfather to my new baby.

Well, we're all brothers here,

so whoever you pick,
I'm completely fine with it.

Thank you, Danny, 'cause I picked Joey.

Jess, I am just so honored.
Sorry, Joey, better luck next time.

- Danny, he just picked me.
- Yeah, Danny, I just picked him.



Thanks, Jess. I'm the Godfather.


[mimics Marlon Brando]
You made me an offer I can't refuse.

[laughs] That's good.

I just want to be clear right now
that my feelings are not hurt in any way.

I am... completely fine with this.
I'm fine as fine could be.

Look, the only reason why I picked Joey
was because he's still raising kids.

Joey still is a kid.

[whines] I am not a kid.

Jess, I think you're forgetting
how wonderful my three girls turned out.

Uh, Danny, with all due respect,

I think you're forgetting that Jess and I
did a lot of the parenting, right, Jess?

Yeah, you know, you'd go to work all day
and we'd be home raising the kids,

and scrubbing the floors,
and gosh darn it, we made sure

we looked beautiful for you
by the time you got home.

Look, if it means that much to you,
you can be the Godfather.

No, thank you.

I ain't no scrub.

All right, fine.
Joey, you're back to being the Godfather.

No, not after you take it away
and then give it to Danny.

[mimics Brando] You come to me
and you say "Don Corleone,

bring me justice."

But you don't ask with respect.

- Did you memorize that whole movie?
- What movie?

All right, buddy, good night.

Happy New Year, we'll see you next year.

Hey, Aunt Becky,

does adopting feel any different than
when you were expecting Nicky and Alex?

Well, no one's doing cartwheels
on my bladder, so that's good.

But if you're asking me
how it feels emotionally,

it feels exactly the same.



It feels just as important and exciting,

and I'm already crazy about this baby
and we haven't even met.

Why do you ask?

Well, I found out a while ago that
I won't be able to have kids of my own.

Oh, Steph, I had no idea.

It's all right.

But, you know, one day,
maybe adopting will be an option for me.

And Jimmy, if we wind up together.

Well, you will make a wonderful mother
to a very lucky child.

Thanks, Aunt Becky.

Has Jimmy been asking you
about having kids?

Yeah, but I think we should start with
a plant first and see how that goes.

[Steph laughs]

Do you really think Max is going to fall
for the old Netflix fake countdown?

Of course he is. The fake countdown
was invented for gullible little kids.

Your mom fooled you with it last year.

That's how I know it works.

OK, teen squad.

Time to get our sugar freak on.

You made it back just in time!

It's almost midnight.


Seems like it was just : .

Oh! Look at the iPad!

It's almost midnight!

Here we go.

In five...

[all shout] ...four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year!

[blowing horns]

[yawns] Man, what a night.

I am bushed.

Yeah, that was insane.

[sighs] Well, I guess it's bedtime.

Awesome partying with you, Max.

That's it?

This New Year's thing is way overhyped.

Hey, thanks for giving up your bed
and bunking with Tommy.

Here's Uni the unicorn.

Cool hang, man. You're the best
big brother a kid could ever have.

Yep, well... that's what
I've been telling ya.

- All right, see ya.
- [all] Bye, happy New Year!

Gotta get some sleeps. Max out, my peeps.

I have to admit,
I will be happy to see gone.

First your dress gets lost in the mail...

and then I see Cosmo
dragging the same dress across the floor.

[shouts] Say what?

Now before you get upset, there's a
very reasonable explanation for all this.

The dress arrived.

It was hideous,
so I hid it in the dog house.

Thank you for your dishonesty.

Now goodbye forever.

Why are you still here?

I thought you would go.
I'm not missing the party.

[doorbell rings]

[shouts] Come on in, Matt!

Still not Matt.

Oh, wow, you guys look gorgeous.

We were at the Bay Area
Podiatrists annual New Year's Gala.

We call it the foot ball.

The foot ball, get it?

Just because no one laughs
doesn't mean they don't get it.

Where's my boyfriend Max?

Oh he's upstairs with the other kids.

Well, then, if you'll excuse me,
my true love awaits.

- Excuse me, honey.
- Yeah.


OK, I've been trying to memorize
my speech but it won't stay in my brain.

I keep freezing up.

No, it's OK.
We'll sneak in a practice later.

You guys are being
pretty secretive over here.

No, we're not, you are.

I mean...

No, you're not, we are.

I mean... Uh...



Max, wake up.

It's Rose.


What are you doing here
in the middle of the night?

I'm here for the New Year's party.

But it's already over.

No, it's not even : yet.


[shouts] I've been duped!

By my own brother.

So his wicked teen squad can have
their precious New Year's kisses

without me in the way.

[shouts] But as God is my witness,
their lips shall not touch tonight!


I've never seen this side of you.

But I like it!

Hey, am I wasting my time with Ramona?

Well, I mean, she's a great girl,
but... you're working too hard.

The hat, the swagger,

the duty-free Toblerone.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe less is more.

Because less of Popko
is more than most girls can handle.

You're doing it again.


I thought I'd dialed it way back.

Duty-free cologne.

And we...

[both] ...step.

So, are you gonna kiss Popko or not?

I don't know.

He's cute, but the hat and the swagger...

And he wears so much cologne.


I can smell him right now.

Oh, it's almost midnight. Let's go.

The door's stuck!

It won't open.

[both groan with effort]

- [shouts] Help!
- [shouts] Help! Let us out!

[both shout] Help us! Let us out!

[shouting continues]

Happy New Year, suckers!

[Jackson shouts]
Max, we're gonna miss the countdown.

No, you're not. It was two hours ago.

I love the way you handle your business.

I should never have told you about that
time Rusty did this to me and Stephanie.

Jackson had it coming.

He tricked me into going to bed early.

Well, I'm sure Jackson
learned his lesson.

It's open.

Hey, apologize to your brother.

I'm sorry, little buddy.

Don't "little buddy" me.

Come on, guys,
let's go ring in the New Year!

- All right.
- [all] Let's go.

The only thing I'm gonna ring in
is revenge.

Sorry you had to see me like this.

It's all right, Max.

You didn't choose the thug life.

The thug life chose you.

All these years
you guys have lived here for free.

Do you have any idea how much money
I've saved you both in rent?

You have any idea
how much we saved you in babysitting?

Come on, guys. It's New Year's Eve.

No, no... this is good.

This is good.

After years of non-stop hugging
and those sappy heart talks...

let's get real.

You clearly have something to say to me,
so come on, Danny, say it.

I don't think you wanna go there.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm already there.

Well, I think you should leave.

Well, it's a little too late,

'cause I already put my jammies on
and I'm sipping my sleepy-time tea.

Here's the brutal truth.


is not my favorite song.


That is a lie.

Everyone loves "Forever".

Do they?

It is kind of a snoozer.

You know, I have a few words for you
that I've been dying to say.

I hate Mr. Woodchuck.

That is a lie.

Everyone loves Mr. Woodchuck.

Do they?

At least Mr. Woodchuck
doesn't dye his hair.

Mr. Jesse does not dye his hair.

[funny voice] Well, your pillowcase
tells a different story.

Hey, Joey, speaking of hair,

where did you get yours cut,
at a barber college?

Those students need the practice.

And listen to this, Danny.

The only reason people watch Wake Up USA
is because they like Becky.

That is a lie.

Everyone loves me.

Do they?

Yes, they do.

Women adore me.

And men find me... non-thr*at.

Are you sure it's not
the other way around?

Guys, I need your help.

I wanna make Jackson disappear.

Max, come here.

What are you talking about, son?

I want him lost at sea,

so I need a boat, a broken compass

and enough gas
to get him to the Bermuda Triangle.

Well, that's a well-laid-out plan,

but what did Jackson do
to deserve all that?

My own brother s*ab me in the back.

I know what that feels like.

I thought he was my best friend!

I can relate to that.

You think you know a guy your whole life

and you don't know him at all.

Preach, brother. Preach.

Sometimes people close to you,
they do things that make you mad.

If you hang out with someone long enough
that's bound to happen.

Max, let me ask you something.

Do you love your brother?

Is this off the record?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I guess I love the big dope.

So the secret to getting along
with people that you love...

is forgiveness.

Yeah, 'cause nobody's perfect.

And in the end...

nothing's more important than...

loving your bothers.

I guess you're right.

I should go give my brother a hug.

- Thanks, Grandpa.
- I love you.

And Uncle Jesse and Joey.

All right, buddy.

[laughs] I forgot
what a great team we are.

Yeah, we helped the kid out and
I taught you two jokers a good lesson.

You know, the kid did have a great idea
about... hugging your brothers.

Love you guys.

Well, as long as we're
in the spirit of forgiveness,

come here, little guy.





When I look into your future,

I see my eyes.

That cannot be right.
Let me see the speech again.

No, no. Steve, you know this.

No, the closer it gets to midnight,
the less I remember.

- Just calm down, OK? And try it again.
- OK.


I remember the first time I saw you.

You were so beautiful.

You're even more beautiful now.

I love you so much.

I knew you were still in love with her.

Steve, how could you do this to me?

No, no, CJ, it's not what you think.

Tell her what we're doing.

No, I...

I, OK, I...

Uh... um... I, uh...

- No, I was practicing my proposal to you.
- A little late, Steve.

CJ, wait!

- No, Steve, tell her!
- I've heard enough.

OK, I'm listening.

I'm blanking.

Literally... my mind is a burrito.

DJ, help me!

Words say you.

Ring. Take.

- Really?
- Really.


Yeah... not weird. [laughs nervously]

Um... CJ,

I remember the first time I saw you.

You were so beautiful.

And you're even more beautiful now.

I love you so much, I can't imagine
living a single day without you.


will you marry me?


Yes! Yes!

[both scream]

Good Lord, I was gone one week!


that was so sweet.

I meant every word she said.

Oh, that makes more sense!


Way to go, buddy.

Honey, I'm sorry. They held me at customs
and I lost my...

- Oh just shut up and kiss me.
- OK.


thanks for helping us out.

Oh, you're welcome.

Congratulations, you guys.
I'm so happy for you two.

[CJ and Steve laugh]

[Steph] OK, you happy couples,
let's get this party started.

OK, it's almost midnight.
I am bored with my own anger.

I need my Kimberlina.


Here I am, my Latin prince.

Mi amor, you wore the dress!

And you're right.

It's hideous.

Hey, Jimmy, I need to talk to you.

You know, earlier tonight, you threw out
that whole "Let's have a baby" thing?


So... you should know
that I can't get pregnant.

Oh. That's OK. Neither can I.

Phew. Feels good to get
that off my chest.

I just wanna make sure
it's not a problem for you,

because... you know,
if things work out between us, then...

we're gonna have to
consider other options.

Like adoption.

All that matters to me
is that we're together.

I love ya, Etch-A-Steph.

I love you too, Jiminy Cricket.

OK, it's almost midnight, here we go!


[all] ... four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year!

["Auld Lang Syne" plays]

Happy New Year, Joey.

I love you, bro.

Love you too, man.


Happy New Year, Ramona.

You're not gonna try and kiss me?

Nah, I don't need a kiss.
I'm just happy to be with you.

Although a kiss is nice.

["Auld Lang Syne" still playing]

[CJ] Happy New Year.

[general chatter]


[Jesse] Shh!

[whispers] Come here. Shh.

Wake up, everybody!

Did someone order a baby?

I'd like you to meet
the newest member of our family.

Pamela Donaldson Katsopolis.

Named after my sister,

your wife,

and your mother.

Come on, everybody, come say hi.

OK, single file, no pushing, no shoving
and no touching without hand sanitizer.

Hey, sweetheart.

[all cooing]

There's your Aunt Kimmy.

- Hi, beautiful.
- Say hi to Aunt Stephanie.


Wow. What a crazy night.

I mean, I never thought I'd see DJ
down on her knee proposing.

To a woman.

But you're cool with Steve being engaged,

because, you know, you were gonna
pick Matt last summer anyway, right?


Wait, were you gonna pick Steve?

I was.

[both] Whoa.

I just thought that
after all these years,

we should see
if we were meant to be together.

But it doesn't matter now.

I'm really happy with Matt.

Hey, baby.


I have a feeling
this is gonna be our best year yet.

Right, she-wolves?

[all howl]

Hey, don't scare the baby, huh?

[blows raspberry]

[all howl quietly]

Come see her. [howls]

[continues howling]

♪ One, two, three, four... ♪

[theme tune plays]
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