04x11 - Love Machine

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Science projects
are due this week.

I'm working with Jessie
on a micro-listening device.

We're the perfect team--

she works hard, I hardly work.

Mr. Morris, shouldn't we be
working on our science project?

I'm sorry,
Mr. Tuttle,

but science doesn't turn me on.

Oh, hooey. Science
is the ultimate turn-on.

Let me show you.

Walk this way.

What have we here?

Intrigue us with your ingenuity.

The ultimate bike-riding
accessory --

a portable bug zapper.

You can pedal as fast as you
want without swallowing flies.

All right, Morris, let's hustle.

Now look.

What is this fascinating
phenomenon of physicality?

It's a love machine.

I've been called that.

You've been called
a lot of things.

If two people have any
feeling for each other,

this machine will tell us.

Affection detection.

A fine selection.

Now on to more
tantalizing topics.

Why, look, whirling
wheels of wonderment.

Whoopee, wow, and wazoo.

Mr. T, you're looking
at gas-powered,

turbo-charged limousines
for the feet.

Like, these blaster blades are gonna
totally rewrite the books on speed skating.

Are there books
on speed skating?

Excuse us. Sorry
for the interruption.

Not as sorry as I am.

I have a new student
for your class.

I'd like you to meet
Jennifer Wade.

[all]
Hi.

Whoa! Slater,
check out the new girl.

Slater.

Shh!

I'm serious.
Check her out.

I'm in big trouble.

That's my girlfriend
from Germany.

[bell rings]

I want you to make sure
Jennifer feels at home.

Her father's in the army.

She's never been
to school in the states.

We got it covered.

She's in great hands.

Thanks for everything.

It's really good to be home.

Anytime, Jennifer.
And remember,

here at Bayside, the
principal's door is always open.

It's open if I want
to go in right now...

But I don't.

Um...

So, you're from Germany.

Welcome to our country.

English is an easy
language to learn.

Thank you, but I already know--

See? You're learning fast.

I'll be right back.

I'm going to what we
Americans call a locker.

And he's what we Americans
call an idiot.

So my family moved,

and Jennifer and I
never really broke up.

You're saying you have
two girlfriends?

What's the big deal?
That's great.

Jessie won't think it's great.

Good point.

Help me keep Jennifer
and Jessie apart

until I can figure out
what to do.

No problem.

Guys, come over
and meet Jennifer.

Albert Clifford?
Is that you?

Albert?

Clifford?

That's why I
shortened it to A.C.

I can't believe it!

It's so good to see you.

You go to school here?

Yeah. It's great
to see you.

You know each other?

Looks like Al and Jenn
know each other, Jess.

We lived next-door to each other
on my dad's army base.

Really?
That's amazing.

Well, why don't we hear more
about Little Albie over lunch?

We can't. We have
student council.

Oh, where has my mind gone?

My dad asks me that
all the time.

Guys, why don't we take
Jennifer to the Max?

That is a great idea, Slater.

Bye-bye.

See you guys.

Jenn, you go ahead with them.

I'll catch up with you.

O.K.

Don't worry, foreign lady.

I'll read the menu for you.

Remember, Screech, you
can't let Jennifer find out

that Slater
is Jessie's boyfriend.

Don't say a word.

O.K. Can I burp?

Don't even open your mouth.

All right.

Oh, hey, guys, are the
hamburgers any good here?

[mumbling]

The hamburgers are great.

So, you and Slater were
going steady in Germany?

For 14 months. Then
his dad got transferred.

I'd have let my dad move,
and I would've stayed.

Thanks.

When Albert left,
we made one of those promises

that we wouldn't go out
with anyone else ever.

Can you believe that?

Mm-hmm.

Jenn, remember this
shirt? You gave it to me.

Yeah.
It still looks good.

Thanks for keeping
Jennifer company.

You probably have some
things you want to do now, so...

No, we're fine
right here, Big Al.

b*at it, Zack.

Yes.

Student council meeting
was canceled.

Why?

Jessie slammed her gavel
on Ronald Geekman's hand so hard

that his retainer flew out
and hit Mr. Belding in the eye.

It was an accident. Besides,
Geekman's got a big mouth.

I'll see you later.

Where are you guys going?

Your food hasn't come yet.
Sit. Stay. Eat.

So, Jennifer, tell us all about
Albert Clifford in Germany.

No one wants to hear
about boring old me.

Did Slater have
a lot of girlfriends?

Not a lot.
Just one.

Slater, you, Jennifer, and I
should see Mr. Belding.

Retainer wounds
are very dangerous.

Stay. The big baby's
all right.

I'm curious about Albert myself.

Is he a big man on campus here?

Slater's quarterback
of the football team.

Don't forget captain
of the wrestling team.

His girlfriend Jessie is
president of the school.

You two are going together?

Yeah.

Oh. Gosh,
look at the time.

I have to go meet my
guidance counselor now.

Well, gee, guys,
we got to go, too.

Come here. I told you not to tell
Jennifer about Slater and Jessie.

So I forgot. Sue me.

Love machine
experiment number two.

[buzz]

Contrary to popular belief,

peanut butter and jelly have
no visible feelings for each other.

That Jennifer's
a really sweet girl.

I'd like to spend some time
with her and get to know her.

Yeah, I wouldn't
mind that myself.

Let's finish this first.

There we go.

Hey, Screech, could you help us?

Zack and I finished
our micro-listener.

We need someone
to test its range.

We hid the device in this pen.

Walk through the halls,

and it should pick up
any conversation around you.

Always the guinea pig,
never the inea.

You could have told me
you had a girlfriend.

I never expected
to see you again.

The minute I saw you,

it was like nothing had changed.

I feel the same way.

This isn't
a smart place to talk.

Why don't you give me your
phone number, and I'll call you?

Screech, let me borrow this pen.

It's not really a pen.

If it has ink, it'll do.

Jenn, write down your number.

But...

Oh, my gosh!

Why does he want her number?

The micro-listener works fine.

Let's call it a day.

Move it or lose it.

I never expected
my girlfriend to show up

from halfway around the world.

Girlfriend?

Yeah. She's a girl,
and she's an old friend.

Feel better?

Out of my way. I'm going
to break his cheating heart.

Can't let my good friends Jessie
and Slater break up over a girl,

especially one I'd like to date.

I'm dead.

Jessie's gonna rip my
eyes out, punch my face in,

then break up with me.

It's her usual pattern.

Look, Slater, the only
way out of this is for you

to tell Jessie it's over
between you and Jennifer.

It's not.
That's the problem.

What am I gonna do?

Make up your mind
who you really want.

Right.

Who do I want?

Let's do a little
comparison shopping.

First you have Jennifer.

She's very, very average.

Then there's Jessie.

She's bright, beautiful,
extremely above average.

Your sweet, loving mama.

Yeah. Yeah, she is
my mama, isn't she?

There's your decision.
Dump Jennifer.

- Right.
- Yes.

Wrong.

Preppie, I don't know
what I want.

Slap some sense into me.

Would you get
ahold of yourself?

If there was some way
Jennifer wasn't a thr*at to Jessie.

You need some guy
to ask Jennifer out

to take the heat off of you.

Right. But where
will I find this guy?

Preppie, how about you?

Whew!

Slater, I just came from school.

Jessie's on a rampage.

She spray-painted "death
to Slater" on your locker.

No problem.

Zack's going to ask Jennifer out

so Jessie won't be jealous.

I'm home free.

I'll ask again.

Why did you want
her phone number?

Could you loosen up?

I'm losing vision
in my right eye.

Tell me now before I get angry.

I needed the number because
I couldn't tell her in person

that it was over.

Then it's definitely over?

Absolutely.

Will you pop the back of my neck

so my Adam's apple
snaps back into place?

Bye, sweetie.

Zack, I want you to
ask Jennifer on a date.

Me date Jennifer?

But... why?

I want to test Big Al's
true feelings.

If my jerk from Germany sees
you with Jennifer and doesn't care,

then I know he's mine.

O.K. But only
because we're friends.

And you're paying.

Screech!

I feel terrible. I mean,
Jessie won't talk to me.

The minute you and Zack show
up on your fake date at the Max,

Jessie will like you and
Slater will be off the hook.

What fake date?

The one Slater asked Zack
to take you on.

But shh! Don't let
Jessie find out.

Date Zack, huh? O.K.

If Albert wants me to date Zack,

then I'll teach him a
lesson he'll never forget.

- Look who's here.
- Look who's here.

Zack and Jennifer.

Hi, guys.
You all know Jennifer.

Hi.

I planned on Jennifer
and I sitting alone.

Oh.
I don't mind.

Do you mind, Slater?

Oh, I don't mind.

Look at the way
they're holding hands.

What can I get you guys?

How about one burger,
and we'll meet at the pickle?

Can you rush that order?

Yeah.

[music plays]

It's getting hot
and heavy over there.

Zack didn't waste any time.

I guess there's nothing wrong
with Zack dancing with Jennifer,

is there, Slater?

No. I'm happy
they're hitting it off.

Real happy.

I'll be right back.

You're doing great.

Hold me closer, Zack.

Only if you insist.

May I cut in?

Sure.

Thank you.

I thought maybe after
I dropped off Jessie,

I'd come by your house,
and we can talk.

You better call first

because I'm going
to the beach with Zack.

Wait right here.

Be right back.

Hey. A walk
on the beach?

What are you doing?

I'm making it look convincing.

You're supposed to be
convincing Jessie, not Jennifer.

Now our next presenters
are Kelly and Screech

and the love detector.

All right.
Go get 'em, Screech.

- Look at this.
- Pretty neat, Screech.

When two people are
hooked up to the machine,

their feelings for each other
are registered on the front scale.

Any volunteers?

How about Zack and Jennifer?

Ingenious idea.

Fly, lovebirds,
to the mate meter.

Wow, Jennifer, you have
soft, lovely hands.

They're mine, nimwad.

S-Sorry, Zack.

Our subjects are connected.

Kelly, hit the juice.

Very compatible.

Way to go, Preppie.
Thanks.

I ask for one favor,
and you steal my girlfriend.

She's still your girlfriend?

Uh, well, I mean,
my old girlfriend.

But-- but, you see...

It's all this stupid
machine's fault.

Jessie, wait. I--

That's it!

Me and the neanderthal
are through.

Jessie, Slater didn't try
to deliberately hurt you.

He got caught in
a weird situation.

He could've told me the truth!

I happen to be a very
understanding person, you know.

I sense that.

You're the only one who
will lose if you break up.

You'll drive him
back to Jennifer.

That's where he wants to be.

You don't know for sure.

Maybe they should go on a date
to see how they feel.

What?

Jessie, sometimes you
have to let go of a person

to find out if there's
something there to hold onto.

I don't want to lose Slater.

I love him.

Jessie?

Jessie, look, I should have
told you from the beginning.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

Do you still like Jennifer?

That doesn't really matter.

You're my girl now.

No, Slater. Look...

It's obvious that you and Jennifer
have feelings for each other.

You need to go out and
see what's really there.

Are you sure?

Yeah. But if you pick her,
I get to keep your jacket.

Mama, you're the greatest.

Just remember that on
your date, Albert Clifford.

Hey, you sure you want
to sit up front?

We always used to sit in
the back at the Berlin-o-plex.

I know, but I like
to sit closer now.

Yeah. I like
to sit closer, too.

No, I've changed my mind.

I don't want to go
through with this.

My romantic future depends
on what happens tonight.

Besides, you like Jennifer.

You want to see her
end up with Slater?

No.

But why do I have to
dress up as the old lady?

The support hose were
cutting off my circulation.

Stop complaining. We got
the senior discount.

What do you think?

Does it look
like they're bonding?

No. They're still eating
popcorn from separate tubs.

Shh!

Sorry, Sonny.

You're going to love this movie.

I heard Mel Gibson is great.

I'm getting tired of Mel Gibson.

I like Kevin Costner.

- Kevin Costner?
- Mm-hmm.

He's O.K. I guess.

What'd they say?
I can't hear them.

I don't know.
My girdle's k*lling me.

Can I help you with something?

Uh, you just back up there
because I have mace.

Sorry.

You should be because people
like you don't make it safe for us.

You're going to blow it.

Great. You just broke
your bra.

Jennifer, let's move.

This is fun being
together again, Jenn.

If you don't mind, I like
being called Jennifer now.

Oh. I'm sorry.

That's O.K., Albie.

While we're on name changes,

it's, uh, A.C. now,
not Albie.

And please, can Clifford.

Great.
I can't hear them.

It doesn't look
so good from here.

Ow.

What's wrong?

My neck hurts.

Someone twisted it this morning.

Well, here. Let me
rub it for you.

Oh, great.

Oh, my gosh,
they're going to kiss.

I can't take this anymore.

Wait--

uh, gee-- whoa.

Kelly, check out
that old couple.

They keep making weird noises.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Do you have anything on
the menu for a broken heart?

Oh, we're fine, Kelly.
Just a little depressed.

Zack? Jessie?
Is that you?

Yeah. We got dressed
in disguises

to spy on Jennifer
and Slater's date.

That's terrible.
What happened?

We left before
they started making out.

Oh.

Hey, Kelly.
Excuse me, folks.

Have you seen Zack and Jessie?

We need to talk to them.

You mean you were the two
old geezers in the movies?

Look, we apologize for spying.

I realize now the two of you
were meant for each other.

No. Jenn and Albert Clifford
were meant for each other,

but they grew up.

We found out that Jennifer
and A.C. are just friends.

You're my girl.

So... Jennifer.

I guess this kind of
makes you available.

Yeah, kind of.

Zack, I was wondering...

do you like Kevin Costner?

[as old woman]
Oh, yes, he's great.

He's cooler than Mel Gibson.

Do you know a cute blond guy

who'd like to take me to
the movies tomorrow night?

I'm your man if I don't
have to wear this girdle.