04x23 - Slater's Friend

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

This week's topic in speech class
is entitled "My Best Friend."

All right, our next public talker
will be Mr. A.C. Slater.

You ready or what?

Oh, by the way,
our speech teacher got sick,

and Coach Rizzo is filling in.

- I'm ready.
- Hey, move me.

Okay. Listen up.

My best friend is somebody
I've known a long time.

We've traveled
all over the world together.

He speaks my language.

And no matter what happens,
he's always there for me.

He's true blue,
except when he's green or brown,

'cause you see,
my best friend is my chameleon,

Artie.

(girls sigh)

Hey, I am deeply touched here.

Hey, guys,
watch what Artie can do.

All right, Artie, come on.
Give me a "nosie."

Slater, that was great.

Hey, I'll give you a nosie too.

That was a great trick, Slater.
How'd you get him to do that?

Well, Screech, it took a lot
of patience, and a lot of flies.

Do you mind? I'm eating.

- You want to hold him, Preppie?
- No thanks.

I'd prefer holding something cute,
and female.

Buy a poodle, okay?

I think he's cute.

How'd you end up
with a chameleon as a pet anyway?

Artie found me when my dad
was stationed in the Philippines.

Since then we've been through
14 schools together.

He's the only friend
I haven't had to say goodbye to.

So why don't you two go steady?

Screech, you love animals.
How about watching Artie for me

while I go to San Diego
this weekend?

You really trust me
to chameleon-sit?

I trust anyone who names
all the ants on his ant farm.

Naming them was easy.

It's remembering
their birthdays that's tough.

Is Artie on any
kind of special diet?

Nah, just flies, bugs,

anything you'd find stuck
to the windshield of a car.

That's it, I'm out of here.

Screech, don't forget
Artie's chew toy.

Oh, how cute.

Come on, let's go
catch him some dinner.

I gotta go too.

Hey, Jessie, I'll see you
tonight at 7:00, right?

For what?

My speech -- you said you were
gonna help me with it.

I'm sorry, Kelly, I forgot.

My mother's picketing
an oil company tonight.

I promised I'd chain myself
to a "Super Unleaded" pump.

Opportunity knocks.

I think I'll answer it.

I'd be glad to help you
with your speech, Kelly.

Really, Zack?
Why?

Because I'm a generous,
caring individual.

And she's gorgeous.

What do you think?
We make a cute couple, don't we?

(knocking on door)

And here's
the beautiful creature now.

Screech, what are you doing?
Wait-- Kelly's on her way over.

You gotta watch Artie
for the rest of the weekend.

- My other pets love him.
- What's wrong with that?

- They'd love to eat him.
- Oh, Screech...

Hi, Zack.
I'm sorry, are you busy?

No.
Screech was just leaving.

Remember to give him lots to drink,
and no flies after 9:00.

It gives him gas.

I'll keep it in mind.
Bye.

Hi, Artie. I bet you miss
your little buddy Slater.

Oh, yes you do.

Why don't you just put Artie down
and we'll work on your speech?

- Where do we start?
- All right.

The most important thing about
public speaking is eye contact.

You want to pick a point
in the audience to focus on.

- Okay, like what?
- How about me?

Usually a short greeting
works well.

- Hi?
- Hi.

Hi!

Hi. Jessie.
Bye, Jessie.

Wait, wait,
am I interrupting something?

Not anymore.
Bye-bye.

I thought you were gonna
picket the oil company?

We never got there.
We ran out of gas.

Mom refused to fill up
out of principle.

This is great. You can help me
with my speech like we planned.

- Sure, let's go.
- See ya.

Hey, Lisa. Have you seen Slater?
He supposed to be back today.

No! And get that thing
away from me.

The only time I come
this close to lizardskin,

is when Anne Klein
puts a buckle on it.

- Hi.
- Hi, guys.

Is that little Artie? Open the box,
I want to say good morning.

Okay, okay, but be quiet,
he's still sleeping.

He stayed up late last night
to watch "Godzilla" on TV.

He looks so peaceful
when he sleeps.

Oh please, you're going ga-ga
over something that burps bugs.

- I think he looks a little pale.
- Maybe he's sick.

Why would he be sick?
Hey, Screech, come here.

Take a peek at Artie.
Does he look any different to you?

- No.
- See?

Except for the fact
that he's dead.

Artie's dead?

Come on, you guys,
let's not panic.

Maybe he's not really dead.

I took him to English
class this morning.

I get it --
he's probably bored stiff.

(dull thumps)

Nope, he's as stiff as a board.

Should we try CPR?

Bad idea.

We should do something --
he was Slater's best friend.

Oh, Artie,
why'd you have to die?

Lisa, you hated him.

I know, but I didn't want
the slimy little thing to die.

I just remembered, I left your
window open last night, Zack.

Artie probably caught a chill.
This is all my fault.

No it's not, it's my fault.
I put him under a hot desk lamp.

It's all my fault,
I left him with Zack.

Should have known
he would k*ll him.

I didn't k*ll him.

Maybe none of us did. I know,
he probably d*ed of old age.

You think Slater will blame us?

Here's our chance to find out.

Girls:
Bye!

- Hey, guys.
- Zack: Hey.

How was San Diego?

It was great,
but I really missed Artie.

Where is he?

He's-- I let him stay
over at Zack's place last night,

and well-- take it, Zack.

Well, Slater-- he's not here.

You left him at your place?

Yeah.
He's still sleeping.

Let me tell you,
Artie's a real sound sleeper.

When he's out,
he's dead to the world.

I couldn't have
said it better myself.

You know what?
Let's ditch class and go get him.

I can't wait to see
the little fella.

Oh yes you can.

I got a better idea.
I'll go pick him up at lunchtime,

- and I'll meet you at the Max.
- Okay.

Hey, Zack, thanks
for watching Artie for me.

Yeah, sure.

- Well, that was easy.
- Yeah.

Now all we have to do
is bring Artie back to life.

It's a miracle, Zack.

Yeah -- a miracle we found a pet shop
nearby that sold chameleons.

He looks exactly like Artie,
doesn't he?

Yeah, he's a dead ringer.

There's my boy.
Come to Papa, Artie.

Jeez, Screech, look how happy
Artie is to see Slater.

Slater, golly, welcome back.

You were probably wondering
what happened to Artie.

No he wasn't.

We had a slumber party last night,
and Artie was our guest of honor.

Lucky guy.

What's in the shoebox?

- Artie.
- Yeah, Artie.

But Artie's right here.

- That's Artie?
- Yeah.

So, how can this be Artie too?

Girls: Er-- Zack?

Because that's Artie--

short for Artesia.

Artie's date for the slumber party.

Wait a second.
Something weird is going on here.

I don't think either
of these is Artie.

- You don't?
- No.

All right, what happened, Preppie?
Where's Artie?

Don't tell me you lost him.

That's one way of putting it.

Well, don't worry about it.
He's probably still in your room.

Just don't know where to look.

I'll come by after wrestling
practice and we'll find him.

Slater's bound to find out
about Artie eventually.

Yeah.
Think he'll pin it on us?

"Sheriff Belding":
All right, move it!

Face front so the witness
can take a good look at you.

Witness?
What witness?

Me, Artie!

You remember me?

The guy in the shoebox
with the stiff neck.

I know my rights.
What's the charge?

Reptilicide!
k*lling a friend's chameleon.

Yeah, yeah, he's guilty.

Give him a lifetime
of solitary confinement.

(aged voice)
Take that, you whipper-snapper.

Or maybe the charge is leaving
a poor defenseless chameleon

in the path of a drafty window?

I didn't do it on purpose.

I'm still dead, toots.

Put her on ice for a long time.

Or was the crime leaving Artie here

under the relentless heat
of a desk lamp?

It was a soft white bulb, sir.

She always was
a hot little number.

You're gonna fry for this, baby.

Belding:
Sss-zzz!

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Or was it just dirty looks
that did him in?

Ugh-- her looks could k*ll.

Oh please forgive me.
I'll never wear lizardskin again.

Sorry, it's polyester for you,
"Princess."

The real crime
is not what you did,

but what you didn't do.

You didn't tell Slater the truth!

Sir, we didn't want to hurt him.

Maybe we were wrong,
but what else could we do?

(knocking on door)

Slater?
I didn't expect you so soon.

I left practice early,
couldn't wait to see Artie.

All right,
now come on out, buddy.

Boy, he's good at hiding,
but I always find him.

Now come out, Artie.

Look, Slater, I don't think
you're gonna find Artie this time.

You know what?
I bet he's hiding under the bed.

Slater, look, hey--

Jeez, Preppie,

it looks like a sporting goods
store under-- wow!

What's this?

It came with my wallet.

All right,
now come on out, Artie.

Look, it's no use,
Artie's not there.

I bet he's just in your closet.

Slater--

What are you guys doing here?
He's in the closet.

What's everybody doing here?

Slater...

something happened
to Artie while you were gone.

What do you mean?
What, is he sick? Hurt?

I'm sorry, Slater.

About what?
It's just a dead lizard.

I gotta hit the showers.

(bell rings)

All right, let's get started.

First up will be--

hey, Miss "Doll Face" Kapowski
over here.

- Oh, gosh.
- Come on.

Step up to the plate.
Knock one out of the park.

Speech, speech, speech.

Thank you, Slater for your
enthusiastic display of--

enthusiasm.
Now button it.

My speech is about
my best friend.

His name is Freddy,
my German shepherd.

(laughs)
Oh please.

Everybody knows pets
don't count as best friends.

Hey, Slater,
the lady's talking here.

So talk.

As I was saying, I've had Freddy
since he was a puppy.

Whenever I come home,
he's right there wagging his tail.

Well, if you came to my house,
I'd be wagging my tail too.

Hey, Slater, since when
did you become a comedian?

Since around Tuesday at 2:00.

One more peep out of you, you're
going to the principal's office.

- You got that?
- Class: Oo-ooh!

Peep-peep.

You're out of here.

I understand you were disrupting
Coach Rizzo's class.

This just doesn't sound like
the A.C. Slater that I know.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

You are not leaving, young man,
until you tell me what's eating you.

- (knocking on door)
- Yes?

Mr. Belding, can I have
a word with you?

- Not now, I'm busy with Slater.
- It's about Slater, sir.

Just butt out, Preppie,
it's none of your business.

It's about his pet
chameleon, Artie.

He thinks it's our fault it d*ed.

Is that what this is all about?

Slater, nobody wanted Artie to die.
It just happened.

All right. Thank you, boys,
I'll take it from here.

I'm sorry, Slater.
I know what it is to lose a pet.

For years I had two parakeets.

I named them
"Sonny and Cher."

One day when I changed
the water,

I must have left the cage door open,
or something,

when I came back, Sonny was there
but Cher had flown the coop.

It's always hard to lose
someone you love, isn't it, son?

It just isn't fair.

Life isn't always fair,
and neither is death,

but that's life.

I never thought about him dying.

When I was your age, I didn't think
about those things either.

I really miss him.

That's okay.

It's still okay,
it's just a little too tight.

(straining)
Slater, help--

You okay?

Yeah.
Thank you, Mr. Belding.

I'm starting to feel
a little better.

Slater, I think it's time
that you said goodbye to Artie.

I think it's a little
too late for that, sir.

No, no, no, let's give him
the funeral that he deserves.

- Funeral?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah.
That'd be nice.

Welcome, friends of Artie.

We are here to pay our final
respects to a true friend,

a good companion,
and a well-respected reptile.

He's a creature among creatures,

- not an enemy in the world.
- Except a hoot owl.

All right, except the hoot owl.

At this time, is there
anyone who would like

to share an Artie moment?

Artie was many things
to many people.

He was a gentle soul.
He never hurt a fly.

Well, except for when
he was eating them.

But the best thing
about Artie was--

he was color-coordinated.

He could go with anything
in your wardrobe.

I never actually knew Artie.
I never met him.

I saw him one time,
but we didn't converse.

However, if I had known him,
I would have missed him.

I'm making a donation, in Artie's
name, to "Save The Lizards."

Thank you, Coach.

Screech has written a song about
Artie that Jessie will now sing.

Ahem--

(music begins)

♪ Oh, Artie boy ♪

♪ The bugs, the bugs
are buzzing ♪

♪ There's gnats and ants, ♪

♪ Mosquitoes on the fly ♪

♪ And they'll be there ♪

♪ For breakfast, lunch,
and dinner ♪

♪ In that big
chameleon's banquet ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

Before we conclude our services,

is there anyone else who'd like
to say a few words about Artie?

I would.

Artie-- pal--

I don't know what to say,

except... I miss you.

You were my best buddy.

For a long time you were
my only buddy.

But now,

I realize I have friends who care
about me as much as you did.

(sniffles)

So don't worry me, Artie.
I'll be okay.

Here...

take this with you.

Goodbye, Artie.

That concludes the ceremony.

The procession will now continue
to the boys' bathroom

for burial at sea.

(music resumes)

All:
♪ Oh, Artie boy ♪

♪ The bugs, the bugs
are buzzing ♪

♪ There's gnats and ants, ♪

♪ Mosquitoes on the fly ♪

♪ And they'll be there ♪

♪ For breakfast, lunch,
and dinner ♪

♪ In that big chameleon's banquet
in the sky ♪

(instrumental theme music plays)