05x01 - A Coat of White Primer

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

Analyst: Have you ever told her how you really feel?

Of course not.

Why not?

Because she'd start screaming at me.

Or cry.

When else have you chosen not express your feelings so that someone wouldn't start screaming at you, or cry?

You mean, like with my dad?

Yeah.

And?

My sister. Mm-hmm.

And?

Oh, and Leonard. ( Chuckles )

So pretty much everyone.

Andrea, would it be so bad if someone screamed or cried?

Yes.

Horrible. Really?

Worse than feeling "isolated and invisible, like an empty gaping hole in the universe"?

Sometimes you talk about your life...

In a way that makes me feel sort of bad.

( Chuckles )

Okay, like, you make a lot of money, your house is a palace.

And you wear a size four...

When you're bloated.

So, when you get upset because you gain a few pounds, or you complain about how high your taxes are with no comment on how much worse those situations are for me...

Now, uh... It makes me feel like I'm not a real person to you.

( Sighs, chuckles ) Wow.

I am... I am so sorry.

I guess I get wrapped up in my own drama, or something.

And I am so glad you finally said something.

I'm just asking you to think about how what you say might feel to me sometimes.

Huh.

When you tell me that you only want to hear good news...

It makes me feel like you only, sort of...

Love me if I get engaged or promoted at work.

And that makes me really not want to call you when I don't have good news, which is, you know, most of the time.

( Sobbing )

Dad?

God, that is so not true.

I'm just telling you how I feel.

That I never think about your feelings?

I shower you with gifts. I mean...

God, Andrea! Look at this apartment!

Look at all the beautiful things I've given you!

That antique mirror? The Italian gondola ashtrays.

The queen Anne brass andirons!

Honey, I don't smoke.

I don't have a fireplace.

And I don't like antiques.

You like antiques. I like modern decor, which you know.

Your modern stuff just isn't as nice.

I like it.

But it doesn't matter what I like.

Fine. You know what? I'll take it all back then.

( Sighs ) Leonard!

It's not about the things.

It's not even about your reaction.

It's about me being able to express... give me the chair!

Get up! What are you doing?

You hate it so much, give it back!

I'm trying to tell you how I feel.

( Screams ) Lenny! ( Andrea crashes )

Andrea?

Andrea?

Oh, Jesus!

Andrea, don't do this to me!

Oh, god.

Oh Jesus, now what am I gonna do?

Claire: So how do you feel?

Um...

Alive, uh, glad about that.

Can you get this to stay on?

This pin is defective. It won't prick.

Looks like Nate may have to get married without a prick.

What do you think, ma? You got any advice?

( Chuckles ) Advice?

Oh, Claire, I don't know.

Don't give up...

Even when things get hard.

And they always do eventually.

Never stop trying.

Oh my god! I nearly got k*lled on the way out here.

Some crazy old lapdog lady almost ran me off the road with her Lexus SUV!

Claire, where's David? I need the rings.

Claire: Oh, um, I think he's over there.

David, we're starting!

The twins need to get the rings on the pillows.

I just don't want them to get lost. Okay.

Thanks. Come on.

( Maya crying ) Oh yes, you can't stand being away from mommy for moment, can you?

How do you feel? Like...

Every moment of my life had led up to this one.

Like all of it makes sense.

Like this is the destiny that's been waiting for me.

I know it's stupid to think in terms of "happily ever after," but that's what it feels like right now. ( Chuckles )

( "Wedding march" playing )

( Sighs )

Okay, let's do this thing.

"Let's do this thing"?

Hey, no analyzing. I'm not analyzing.

I'm loving. Thanks.

Ugh, coffee... I can't even smell it.

Sorry.

Priest: We come together on this beautiful day, to witness and celebrate the union of Nate and Lisa.

Lisa: I vow to love and nurture you... I'll skip the vows.

No, you can watch the vows. I'll watch them later.

Have you learned all kinds of interesting things?

I just wanted to see it, you know?

So that I didn't do the same thing in some weird way, make everyone uncomfortable.

Carol: I was the first one to sh**t this location.

We used it in "pack up your sorrows: The Mimi farina story."

Isn't it gorgeous? This is going to be different.

I want it to be perfect.

It's already perfect, even if it rains and everybody gets soaked. That's why I got the tent.

Even if the band sucks and the food is rancid.

That's why we're only having hors d'oeuvres.

I love how weddings erase the past.

Like a coat of white primer.

Slap a veil on her and the biggest slut bag on the planet becomes a fresh-faced ingenue.

Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Sorry. Is it the coffee?

( Groans )

( Chatting )

( Brenda retching ) You okay, Bren?

Ow. God damn it!

( Sighs )

George's voice: Yeah well, that's not what she told me.

Who wanted tuna fish?

( Laughs ) Hold the Mercury!

Well, you're an idiot!

George? If you want Mercury, I'll give you Mercury.

( Chuckles ) Hell, our bloodstream's already full of it.

It's in all the water. The rivers are poisoned. The ocean's poisoned!

( Laughs )

Nate: George. No.

( Yells ) No!

No! No!

( Crying ) No! No!

( George shouting ) ( Ambulance door slams )

I just don't know how this could have happened.

I mean, they had such a good relationship, I thought.

They never fought.

I just don't understand.

Some things in life...

We can never understand exactly why they happened.

But it's so unfair. She was just starting to really be herself for the first time in her life.

That's rough...

When people are just starting over.

I know. I know.

Doctor's voice: Your husband is suffering from a condition called "depressive psychosis."

The hallucinations, paranoia and delusions are all characteristic.

We generally get good results from a combination of Tricyclic antidepressants and anti-psychotic medications. But how did this happen?

Any kind of stress can trigger this type of condition.

A death in the family, pressures at work, marital conflicts.

But he was fine when we met.

He was so... lovely.

It can come and go throughout one's lifetime.

And, according to his daughter, your husband has had a long history of mental illness.

What I'd like to do is get him started on the meds right away.

And we'll keep him here for observation for a couple of days and see how he takes to it. ( Car horn blares )

I liked that girl Janine.

What do you think?

About what? Her sister.

She was nice, I thought.

I guess she was nice. She was in shock, so it's a little hard to tell what she'd be like on a date, if that's what you're asking. Jeez.

What'd he do, s*ab her in the eye?

That's what happens to couples who never learn how to fight.

( Instant messenger beeps )

"Ricky, are you there?"

Uh, Ricky? Oh, sh*t.

I gotta deal with this girl.

What girl? Just someone I dated a few times.

Really?

Yeah, I signed up on match. Com just to, you know, get out there a little.

Good for you, dude.

I got to break up with her now. On an instant message?

I don't want to lead her on.

What do you think?

"I'm looking for someone with a more positive attitude about life."

That's a little harsh, dude.

She should know for her other dates. She was a downer, man.

That's very thoughtful, "Ricky." ( Tone chimes )

( Sighs )

Doctor: We're not getting the response to the medications I was hoping for.

George and I have discussed it, and we agreed our best option is to move on to E.C.T.

Maggie: E.C.T.? Ruth: What's...?

Electroconvulsive therapy.

Shock treatments?

It sounds much worse than it is.

We administer a slight shock to the brain to reboot the circuits as it were.

But isn't that...?

It's a very effective treatment for this type of depression.

Nothing else is working.

( Machine humming )

Woman: George?

( Soft sigh )

Maggie: How's he doing? Ruth: Much better.

They think he'll only need a few more sessions.

( Machine humming )

Tonight? But he's still sleeping.

He should wake up in about a half hour.

He may have some nausea or mild confusion, but he'll be fine to go home tonight.

Are you sure? It's fine.

Worst case scenario, he'll have some short-term memory loss but nothing too severe. I think he should be observed one more night.

It's not necessary. I am not bringing him home tonight!

He's not ready.

All right, one night more.

But tomorrow, he has to go home.

We need the bed.

( Sighs )

f*ck, I forgot to buy wine.

Maybe it's rude to bring wine to a pregnant house.

Maybe we should just pick up some ice cream?

No, we should definitely buy wine, in case they forgot that other people still drink.

Can I wear this, or will everyone think I'm a total indigent?

( Chuckles )

What about that purple thing in the closet?

That's here? Yeah.

Oh, good. I totally thought that was lost.

Maybe you should just move in.

Really?

You mean, like, totally? Wouldn't it just be easier?

You're in my darkroom all day long and you sleep over every night. Is that annoying?

Yeah, it's annoying, that's why I want you to move in, because I'm a total masochist.

Yeah, but how would we both work in here?

It's been fine so far.

Okay, 'cause I totally took over your space.

I could use my studio at school if I ever get inspired to make anything again.

Oh, come on.

It would be a relief to never have to see my mother again.

You're going to have to see her tonight.

Ruth: Would you be terribly disappointed if I couldn't make it tonight, dear?

Nate: No. Is everything all right?

I'm just feeling a little tired.

Is George okay?

He's coming home tomorrow. That's great.

Is he going to be able to make it to the wedding?

Make it to the wedding?

Do you have any idea what kind of state he's in?

I'm sorry. I thought he was better.

He is better.

He's just not himself yet.

You sure you don't want to join us?

Yes.

I just need one last quiet night.

I'll be in by 9:00 tomorrow if you need help with anything.

( Knocks at door ) All right. Bye.

Hey. Hey! You look great!

Thank you. I feel like sh*t!

Hey. Welcome. Keith: Hey.

Non-alcoholic sparkling cider.

Thank you very much. So mom's not coming.

Hey. Why not?

Because she hates me.

She doesn't hate you anymore. Now she hates Claire.

Why does she hate Claire? ( Maya giggles )

Mom thinks she's flushing her life down the toilet.

Because she's taking the semest off.

Not because she's dating my brother.

Uh, no! Just the school thing.

Brenda: Because she's taking off one semester?

I think she's terrified that Claire won't go back, and mom's biggest regret in life is that she never went to college.

So if Claire doesn't graduate, it's like she...

Failed twice or something. Mm-hm.

It's time for somebody to take a bath.

Brenda: I'll do it. Nate: You sure?

Yeah! I got to pee anyway for the billionth time today.

Where does it all come from?

Maya: Bye! Keith: Bye!

Brenda: We'll go have a bath.

( Whispers ) Sorry. It's okay.

She knows we all think Billy's a b*mb waiting to go off.

What does she think? She thinks he's fine when he's on his medication and he's been taking it for a long time, so whatever.

I could almost deal with the guy if he wasn't f*cking my little sister.

He's better than Gabe.

Come on, he was a drug-crazed k*ller.

He didn't k*ll the guy, he sh*t at him.

She should have stayed with her nice gay boyfriend. That guy was an assh*le.

She knows how to pick them. ( Knocking )

David: Ooh, they're here! Hey, Billy!

Come on in!

Keith: How you doing, Billy? Good.

Hello. Hey.

Hey, guys! Claire: Hey.

Where's mom? David/Nate: She's not coming.

Do your parents still live in Ohio? Columbus, yeah.

Where did you grow up? L.A., west Adams area, near where I work. Oh.

I don't know L.A. that well.

How long have you been here? Four years... but it's so big!

My hours are crazy at the dentist, because people schedule their appointments before and after regular work hours, and on weekends too.

So... Yeah, my business too.

You're never off.

You could always get a call.

That must be convenient for dating.

Uh, what? Like, when you want to get out of a date, you can have a friend call you and pretend to be a dead person or whatever.

( Scoffs ) Come on.

I wouldn't do that!

Claire: How's it going with the adoption thing?

David: We have two interviews left for the home study.

Keith: Then we just have to wait for a referral.

Brenda: What's a referral? Mm.

A kid. Wow. How long will you have to wait?

Anywhere from a week to many years. Nate: That's got to be hard.

Yeah. But they all say sometimes being gay helps you get chosen faster.

In this backward country?

The birth mothers have to look at thousands of pictures of straight white people. So we kind of pop out.

It's so weird to imagine going through all that...

Nine months and a delivery and you don't even want the kid.

I mean, who would do that?

Keith: Christians. Brenda: No, not only.

Some women just can't deal with making a decision, and they leave it too long.

But they don't even get money, right?

We'll have to pay the hospital bills.

That's where they can scam you.

If they change their mind, you're left with the bill. That rarely happens.

It really makes you see the appeal of a surrogate.

It does?

Yeah.

That and wanting to have your own kid.

Yeah, but there are so many kids who already exist who need homes, why would we want to make another one?

Keith: For the same reason straight people do.

But given that it's not quite as easy for us, why would we do something so extreme...?

Why should we be the ones who don't get to have our own kids, just because we're gay?

It's not because we're gay.

( Scoffs )

I just don't think a child has to have my genes for me to feel like it's mine.

I'm sure people love adopted kids as much as their own.

I mean, obviously.

Maybe. It's easy to say when you have your own.

I love Maya.

Keith: And you still wanted one of your own.

You just think you don't deserve to have what everyone else has.

Would anybody have more wine if I open another bottle?

All: Yes.

You think you're the only one with dreams that don't work out?

We both got what we settled for.

I think you just don't love me anymore.

Louise: I do love you. Rico: Hello!

You're home early.

Yeah, well, first date, you know.

How was it?

It was okay.

Well, good night.

Would you like some Sambuca?

Um, sure.

Unless...

I don't want to disturb you. Oh no.

I want to hear about it.

Was this the dental hygienist or the investment banker?

The hygienist. Sharon.

The banker was too... shiny.

You know...

It may have just been an unfortunate lotion.

But let's hear about Sharon.

Well, uh, she was nice.

I liked her, I guess.

Did you get a sense of what kind of person she was?

Does she seem solid?

Mm-hm. Yeah, definitely solid.

It's so important... to feel you could rely on someone.

Yeah. It's interesting, this whole dating thing.

I never really did it before Vanessa.

Enjoy it, dear.

But try not to be blinded by lust, if you can.

Hey, do you guys want to get high?

I could get high.

I've got some really good pot.

I've got some. I actually have some in my jacket.

You do?

It's left over from when we went to the Hollywood bowl.

That's too old.

I just got this.

Mine cost $200 for an eighth.

Let's smoke that. It's inside.

Don't tell Keith we're smoking.

He gets really annoying when he's high.

I don't want to make a big deal about it in front of Brenda.

I know what you mean. Billy can't smoke because of all his medications.

So how's mom?

When was the last time you talked to her?

You might want to call her tomorrow before the wedding so it's not tense. She can call me.

( Exhales )

There you go.

So, um, what do you guys think about Billy?

He's in a pretty good place, you think?

Yeah. Definitely.

Good place, what does that mean?

Just that he's doing really well.

It doesn't mean I won't lay awake at night worrying about the fact you're in his bed.

That's a nice thing to say about your wife's brother.

She knows how I feel.

( Scoffs )

It is so unfair to hold things that happened years ago against someone.

That's saying that people can't change!

I mean, you changed!

Yeah, I've changed, but I'm not totally f*cking insane.

I didn't try and carve a tattoo off somebody's ass.

Shut up!

Here.

What?

I don't know.

Did you have a bad dream?

Maybe.

Yeah.

What? What? ( Groans ) Oh.

Oh my god, I'm bleeding.

( Shouts ) Uh, uh... oh, Nate! Okay okay okay. It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

I'm going to try to schedule the D&C for tomorrow morning.

We can't do it tomorrow.

We're getting married.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you.

Bren, we can cancel. No, we have to do it today.

I can't get an anesthesiologist today.

We have to do it tomorrow, Bren.

( Sighs ) Oh, f*ck.

Can it wait till Monday?

Sure, Monday's fine.

Then we'll do it Monday.

♫ Lover's face, I can't remember... ♫ Hey, how's it going?

Good.

Is that me?

No, it's Nate.

No, these pieces?

That's Brenda. Narcissist.

Well, it looks like me.

Well, they're not. This is a wedding present.

Why would I have you in there?

Because she can marry Nate, but she'll always love me.

She is me!

No! ( Screams )

( Gasps ) Hey.

Are you upset with me?

No, I was just concentrating.

All right.

I'll leave you alone.

I'm sorry.

How do I get to my room?

You mean our room?

Our bedroom?

If that's what it is.

Come on upstairs now.

We'll get you unpacked.

David: You made it clear we're only considering a surrogate?

Yeah. Now what about Tamara?

She's got your forehead, an I.Q. Of 120.

"She's 5'2" and she weighs 160 lbs.

Maybe that's why she costs less than the other ones.

It's not like I wouldn't love an obese child, but I'd rather not sign up for a lifetime of body issues, especially if we get a girl.

If we get a girl, you better hope she's obese.

I'm not having some 12-year-old hottie running around sunset boulevard with her ass cr*ck showing.

( Cell phone ringing )

Hey, Rog, what's up?

Uh... yeah.

I can do a couple of nights next week.

Let me get my calendar.

What nights were you thinking of?

I know I'm free Tuesday.

( Game show music playing )

Are you ready to meet the bachelorettes?

Uh, I guess so.

Ladies.

Hi. I'm Sierra.

I'm 20.

I have a combined S.A.T. Score of 675.

And I want to be your egg donor-surrogate because, although I'm not ready to start a family of my own, I want to put as many versions of myself on the planet as I possibly can.

Hi! I'm Dee Dee from San Pedro.

I'm 27 years old.

I love outdoor sports, and I'm your dream surrogate because I've given birth to nine healthy babies.

And it's my personal mission to have children for bourgeois narcissists who can't conceive on their own.

Hi.

I'm Lindsay.

I've got a degree in applied science from Yale, a masters from M.I.T. And $60,000 of school loans to repay.

I'm hoping you pick me so I won't have to resort to more obvious forms of prostitution to get out of debt.

Keith: So, have you found her?

( Sighs ) I can't do this, Keith. I'm sorry.

I can't just rent out some woman's uterus like it's a storage locker.

Okay.

Vanessa: Hi, guys!

Julio: Daddy got us a gamecube!

You could say hello! Julio: Hi.

Share with your brother, Julio!

You're spoiling them.

Can you take them tomorrow for a couple of hours?

I can't. It's Nate's wedding.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

Who are you bringing?

No one. You want to come?

No, thank you. I'm happy for Nate, but I have a week of errands to do.

You should bring a real date. To a wedding?

Isn't that weird? You should bring someone so it won't be boring.

What happened with that makeup artist Dana? She sounded nice.

Yeah, she was too... I don't know, cheerful or something.

Nobody's perfect. You have to give people a chance to grow on you.

Yeah.

Don't take this the wrong way, but...

No one's you.

That's sweet, but I was never me either.

Yes, you were... no, if you were this picky when we were going out, you never would have married me.

You just have to find someone you like and be nice to them.

Is that how it is with Kenny?

Oh. That didn't work out.

Really? What happened?

Ugh, he's a pig. I don't even want to talk about it.

But I'm too busy for all that now.

It's okay for me. I don't need someone as much as you do.

Oh really?

It's not a bad thing, Rico.

You're just...

A person who does better with someone.

So tomorrow, while I'm at the wedding I'm going to have a home aide come stay with you so you won't be alone, all right?

Whose wedding? Nate's. My son.

I know who Nate is.

Who is he marrying?

Brenda... His girlfriend?

Oh.

Oh! That's wonderful!

Of course I'll be there.

This is an important passage for Nate from being a widower to starting again as a householder.

I want to support him. If you don't think it's too much for you.

Too much? My only son is getting married!

Well, why don't we see how you feel tomorrow?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Host: The splendid young man who came to the throne in 1509, by 1547 had become a revolting swollen mass of putrefying flesh.

You want the Vicodin or some naproxen?

Vicodin please. All right.

Here.

( Sighs )

Cramps are pretty bad, huh?

I just want to get a whole lot number.

God, this is so not the vision I had of the night before my wedding.

Where is the stripper?

It would be so easy to postpone this for a couple of weeks.

It would not be easy.

And it would cost a fortune.

So what? It's just money.

I'd rather not even have a wedding than have to deal with rescheduling everything.

Yeah. Yeah.

( Chuckles )

Let's just... We can run off to Vegas.

Yeah right. Come on, you loved that idea.

That was before I spent six months planning my stupid f*cking dream wedding.

That's why I think we should reschedule.

It's only going to be depressing.

For you? Yeah, for me!

And it's going to be depressing for you too, I think.

It's not as depressing as calling 100 people and telling them that it's canceled because I lost my f*cking baby, which I just told the whole world I was having.

Why did you let me tell so many f*cking people?

( Sobbing )

I just... I don't think that you...

I don't think you realize how upset you are.

Don't tell me how I feel! I think I know how upset I am!

Then why are we going through with this?

Because when I think about not doing it, I want to throw myself under a bus.

I want to swallow razor blades.

I'm gonna have to take every painkiller in the house just so I could pick up the phone and cancel the caterer.

Then f*ck it!

Let's get married.

Okay?

It will be a great day.

Yeah.

You can have one of my Vicodin if you want.

Thank you.

Just make sure you leave enough for tomorrow.

Historian: Which meant that he constantly stank of rotting flesh.

Oh god.

Margaret: Are these big granny-panties your "something old"?

Because they really k*ll the mood.

You can't see them through the dress, can you?

No, but they're hideous, sweetie.

Would it k*ll you to wear a thong?

These are fine.

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

I just don't want to wear a thong.

Did something happen? Is it the baby?

( Sighs )

What is it? What happened?

Oh, baby.

I don't want to f*ck up my makeup.

Oh, honey. We'll clean you up with a good powder.

I've got Chanel in my purse.

I don't want to be late.

You don't have to worry about everything going right anymore.

That boat has sailed.

You know it happens all the time.

So many of my friends...

Joanie, Celia, aunt Mary before she had Deb.

Even Teresa Heinz Kerry had one.

And god knows, she looks terrific.

Aunt Mary did? I'm telling you, more women have miscarried than they have masturbated with a dildo.

They just don't talk about it. ( Exhales )

And then they have a baby, and then they're fine, sweetie.

( Stammers )

I'd better change this f*cking pad.

If I get blood on this dress I'm gonna k*ll myself.

( Door closes )

I'm so sorry, Nate. Yeah, well...

Just don't tell anybody, all right?

We want to keep today kind of nice, you know?

( Sighs ) Are you going to try again?

Yeah, of course, as soon as we can.

You might want to give it some time. No no no.

I don't want to wait.

No, I mean, to grieve.

With all the f*cked up sh*t that's happened in my life, I don't want to grieve anymore. I can't.

I can't! I don't have it in me.

Well, maybe Brenda needs to...

What Brenda needs to do is get pregnant again. Soon.

'Cause it's not like she's 20.

Yeah, but...

With all the stuff Keith and I have been reading, it seems psychological stress can affect a woman's chances...

It's the only thing that's gonna make her feel better!

Why should I wait? Why put it off?

Because bad sh*t happened and we need to feel bad?

Bad sh*t happens every day.

You of all people should know that.

Move f*cking on, you know?

Anyway, I've already got Maya so it's not for me.

But it'll be your child, your flesh and blood.

How could it not be for you? Because it's what Brenda wants more than anything, and I can make that happen for her.

Listen, the justice of the peace is here.

( Sighs )

Brenda: I take you, Nate, with all your strengths and faults as I offer myself to you with all my strengths and faults.

From this day forward, I will be there when you need help and turn to you when I need help.

I promise myself to you forever.

Nate: I vow to trust, to honor and to Cherish, to share and support your hopes, your thoughts and your dreams as long as we both shall live.

By the power vested in me from the state of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride. ( Snickers )

( Film rewinds )

So is it weird to see Brenda get married?

"Weird"?

No, it's great.

I mean, because you guys used to be so close?

I'm really happy.

I'm happy we're both in healthy relationships.

With siblings.

Hmm?

It's funny how you both ended up with another set of siblings.

Yeah, yeah.

It's funny that you and Nate did too.

God, what do you think it means?

It was a nice ceremony. It was.

You got a little choked up, didn't you?

Yeah.

I love weddings.

Don't you?

Sure. If it's right.

The last one I went to, the people hated each other, so it was depressing. Margaret: God damn it!

It's so frustrating to not be able to help her!

But you did help her.

You helped her as much as anyone could under the circumstances.

I don't know. I really believe in marriage.

A lot of guys today don't even know how to make a commitment, but I was married 11 years.

I'm the kind of person who's better with someone.

Someone special, I mean.

That's sweet.

Man: They couldn't have picked a prettier location.

It looks beautiful.

All right, that's enough of that one. All right.

Lovely! A family portrait with two new fishers.

Oh.

Okay, what's next? How about mom and George?

Brenda: Okay, I'm just gonna freshen up.

Okay, mom. You guys wanna get over here in the light?

Let me take that glass. Mom, it's fine.

Oh.

George: Sorry.

What are you doing? What?

Have a little respect!

( George chuckles ) Oh my god.

( Ruth shouts ) It's not funny!

Oh my.

May I have some seltzer please, no ice? Yes, ma'am.

Mom, are you okay? I'm fine.

What happened with Claire? She's in such a terrible phase.

She's so out of control in her life, she doesn't care about anyone else's feelings.

What did she do? She took a rude picture of George in an extremely compromised state. There's ice in this.

Sorry. I'm sure she didn't mean it that way.

She's always trying to make some statement!

Yes, this is her way of saying I'm the fool who has to take care of a crazy person for the rest of my life!

I don't think she was trying to say that.

I don't need a photograph. I don't need to have my face shoved in it.

Mom, we'll get you some help, a nurse or something. God! No!

I'm still the one who has to be there all day and every night.

Why do you...? ( Shouts ) Because there's no one else!

( Sighs )

Excuse me, dear.

I have to clean the stain on his jacket before it sets.

Oh, thank you.

Who's the third one for?

That's to put under our pillow.

( Chuckles )

So who do you dream of if you're already married?

You dream of a future love.

You mean our second husbands?

No. We could dream of our child.

Or just get frosting in our ears.

I think we should go forward with the surrogate.

Really? Why?

Because you want your own child.

And...

I don't want to be the one who denies you that.

I want to be the one who helps you to have what you want.

What about the kids who need homes?

We can do both. I think we should do both.

One of each?

Which one comes first?

Whichever shows up first.

What if they both show up at the same time?

Then we'll be really busy.

You're serious.

Mm-hm.

All right then.

( Sighs )

You don't have to worry about it being like my wedding.

I had a three-month-old baby when I got married, so it was a much happier event, obviously.

Really joyful.

It all came very naturally to me.

But I was always maternal, unlike you.

I'm f*cking maternal.

Oh, come on. Look at your past.

What about my past?

You're a slut bag! You were.

That's got nothing to do with it. Of course it does.

All the moments of your life have led to this one.

You're being punished. I don't believe in that.

Your insides must have gotten damaged from all that anonymous cock.

Oh, come on. That's why this happened to you.

Lisa: Look at that nice woman over there.

She's got her baby.

Everybody treated her like a Princess for the whole nine months.

There's a pregnant goddess, due in six weeks.

She has two at home.

She doesn't know it yet, but she's pregnant.

She wasn't even trying!

Boy, is she going to be thrilled. Twins!

They'll be here in June.

I'm gonna get my baby, you bitch.

I got pregnant the fourth time I tried.

I didn't have to try.

But I never partied like you did.

Whew!

It's a miracle you even conceived!

A lot of women have miscarriages!

They don't talk about it so people don't realize.

None of the women at this wedding have.

Except you, of course.

You're just bitter because you had to get pregnant to get Nate to marry you.

I'm bitter? Who's drunk and yelling at a dead woman?

And she might not even be his daughter!

You were having an affair with your sister's husband!

That was purely a spiritual thing.

Nate is Maya's father.

He's my husband, and he always will be.

You will never feel his arms around you again.

You'll never feel the air on your skin, or wake up in a warm bed.

You're done.

You don't get the chance to try again for anything.

So what? So I can.

Oh, please.

Every time you try to have a nice normal life, you f*ck it up.

You're never going to have your happily-ever-after moment, no matter how many white veils you put on.

You're just too f*cked up for all that.

Maybe you should just accept that, instead of trying to be something you're not.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Bren? You were right.

I should never have tried to have this stupid day, this idiotic tent, the dumb-ass wedding band.

It's such a f*cking cliche. Hey...

Just to prove that I deserve my own special f*cking day, which I don't.

Brenda, the only reason...

The only reason why I... No, come on!

You knew. It was a pathetic attempt to become something I'm not... that we're not. I thought you might be too upset to enjoy the day.

But it's so perfect this way! It's so perfect.

The only way that I get to get married in a long white gown is to have my dead baby leaking out of me all day.

That's me. That's what I get for my wedding.

You're really upset, maybe you shouldn't be drinking. Are you kidding me?

This glass of champagne is the only thing in my universe right now.

You have me.

You don't really f*cking want me.

Not that I blame you.

Who would?

I do.

Well then, you're a very disturbed person.

Maybe.

Don't be nice to me!

What do you want me to do?

Do you want me to hit you? Yes!

That would feel f*cking fantastic!

Come here.

( Sobs ) Oh.

( Whimpers )

Oh...

I thought you were going to hit me.

No. I'm disturbed, I'm not violent.

You were when you threw your ring at me.

Oh, memories.

I'm glad today sucked...

'cause I wouldn't want the happiest day of our life to be over already, would you?

No.

It's coming, right? It's coming.

It f*cking better be.

( Sighs )

( Jazz music playing )

( Crowd applauding )

( Seagull squawks )

Brenda?

( Sighs )

Oh, I'm sorry. You can't come in for this.

Can you hold this?

( Sighs )

( Sobbing )

♫ did you say I've got a lot to learn? ♫

♫ Well, don't think I'm trying not to learn ♫

♫ since this is the perfect spot to learn ♫

♫ ooh...

♫ teach me tonight

♫ let's start with the a-b-c of it ♫

♫ roll right down to the x-y-z of it ♫

♫ help me solve the mystery of it ♫

♫ come on and teach me tonight. ♫