(distant sirens blaring)
(propeller buzzing)
- (banging on door)
(humming)
- (keyboard clacking)
- (banging continues)
- (mumbles)
- (banging continues)
- (The Assistant mumbles)
- (mumbles)
(mumbles)
(banging continues)
(grumbles)
- The Assistant (on intercom): Dr. Labcoat.
- (pounding continues)
- I said come in, for f*ck's sake!
- _
(laughing) Oh, my God.
- (beeps)
- _
I am... so sorry. That door
is, like, completely metal.
I couldn't hear fricking
anything out there.
Um, here's an idea.
What if you had a doorbell
that was outside the door
so people could have a sound
to let them know to come in?
Actually, why don't I arrange
that for you, Dr. Labcoat?
That's an idiotic idea, The Assistant.
f*ck you!
f*ck me.
(sighs)
I apologize. It's just
a big day, you know,
- and with so much riding on this.
- Yeah.
The Green Pill is my life's work...
and it's finally complete. (humming)
That is so cool, you are so smart,
and, um, I admire so much about you.
Just my schedule, The Assistant. Please.
Okay, first you have a
Green Pill kickoff meeting
with the Board of Executives,
followed by a Federal Drug
Bureau approval meeting,
and then a video call
with The President...
of the United States of America.
- The President. Jesus.
- I know.
Can we just move it to, like, next week
- or something?
- I've already moved it twice, so I can't.
- I don't feel comfortable...
- Okay, like, seconds tops.
Okay. I'll circle back and tell them.
All right. Great.
Oh, The Assistant.
(ominous music plays)
I want you to join us for the
Board of Executives meeting.
But only the highest up
of the highest-up executives
join you for those.
I'm merely an assistant.
(beeps) The Assistant.
You're ready.
♪ ♪
- Slam it, bitch.
- (giggles)
- (beeps)
- Dr. Labcoat finished that pill thingy.
I mean, I wish he'd share
more with us, you know?
- _
- I mean, we're the Chemicals department.
All we do is hang out all day.
- (Muzak playing)
- What do you think's even in that Green Pill?
- _
- I think it's adenosine triphosphate.
- I think he found a way to put it into...
- (woman laughs)
C , you don't actually
think Dr. Labcoat uses
substrate-level phosphorylation
as the active ingredient
- in the Green Pill, do you?
- _
Well, C , if you let me
finish, which you never do,
you would've heard that was
not what I was gonna say.
Ugh! I think someone used my mug.
Look at that lipstick.
I think they're those novelty mugs,
- like, it comes with the lipstick on it to be funny.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- You both know of those?
- It's funny.
- Yeah.
- It's just depressing, you know?
- Sorry.
- (knocks)
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Chemicals?
- Yes. Come, come, come, come.
You can take my seat.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you. Welcome.
- Where did you transfer from?
- T W: Yeah.
I was in Toys... in the basement.
- They have toys here?
- T W: Toys?
This place astounds me.
I swear, I don't know
anything that's going on here.
- Yeah, where's the basement?
- Probably below.
Why would they have toys?
- I just... I've never seen it.
- Oh, I don't...
- It doesn't seem important.
- Oh. (chuckles)
I didn't mean that...
No, I didn't mean that
against you. I just meant...
Was it adult toys, though?
- Like dildos?
- Like dil... yeah, was it, like,
- shake... like a vibrating...
- T W: Yeah.
- Wait. What?
- Like those beads?
- I... I don't make adult toys. I make, like...
- C : Oh.
- ... toys for...
- Children toys?
- No.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. We're the worst.
- We didn't introduce ourselves.
- Oh!
- T W: Oh yeah.
- I'm C .
Yeah, I'm C .
- I am T W. That's my mug.
- There it is.
And you... and you are? (laughs)
Happy to be here. (chuckles)
- Oh, that's so nice.
- C : That's so sweet.
- What do we call ya?
- Yeah.
Oh. (laughs)
- Your name.
- Woman: Umm...
- (beeps)
- _
- (clears throat)
- It's rude to give a fake name.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
So... Chemicals department.
You guys ever, like,
sneak anything or...
- do dr*gs or...
- Well, you can pretty much
take anything you want.
I'm currently on Nonvliathan.
It makes it so you don't
have to poop or pee.
You can just sweat it out. (laughs)
- (cheery music plays) _
Yeah, and I'm taking this
thing called Flobocillium,
which is a chemical compound
that I lace into my food,
and it makes me float about two
inches off the ground at all times.
Go ahead. Pan down.
- (cheery music plays)
- _
I just do cocaine.
- (hard rock music plays)
- _
- I can't wait to try it all.
- (women laugh)
(jazz music plays)
(dramatic music plays)
(chitters)
The Green Pill is complete.
Pesci Co. is ready to move
on to the phase three of...
- Just to catch everyone up to speed,
- _
we've made this nifty
little demonstration video.
- (ethereal music playing)
- Dr. Labcoat (on video): Pesci Co.,
being the largest product
manufacturer in the world
permeates every single
facet of society...
food, clothing, household products.
We're in the air you breathe,
the ground you walk on,
the walls that surround you.
- (continues speaking) Phase One: Infiltration.
- (beeps)
(Muzak playing) Oh, man!
You got everything in here!
Two toilets is kinda weird,
although, you know, I'm
gonna try 'em both out.
I don't wanna play favorites.
How do I look? (laughs)
I'll get that later.
Let's give that a try.
(coughs) Oh! You know, it's
totally okay to eat these cold.
I'm getting paid for
this? It all is good to me!
(Dr. Labcoat speaks)
Phase Two: Infection.
(ominous music playing)
Naturally, we began to
affect the population.
- Manufacture sickness, panic, unrest.
- (sirens blaring)
Name the sickness something scary.
Virus X.
The population will blame each other,
God, anyone, to find a scapegoat.
(coughs) Oh! Ahh!
I want this to stop!
(crying) I hate it!
Let me out of here!
This sucks.
This sucks so bad.
(Dr. Labcoat speaks)
Phase Threee: The Green Pill.
(inspirational music playing)
- All right.
- There you go.
(gasps)
Dr. Labcoat: We will
soon have full control
over the environment
and the population itself.
A more orderly and just
New York is upon us,
and after that, the world.
♪ ♪
I'd like to apologize for
my behavior back there.
I feel better now.
I feel correct.
Dr. Labcoat: Pesci Co.
(whispers) Pesci.
So, today we're gonna
package the bad boy
and get it out to the public ASAP.
Bang. World domination. (laughs)
Uh, hey, guys.
First, I wanted to say,
sorry I've been absent from
so many meetings lately.
I had to take my dog to the vet,
and then my kid had a
recital at three o'clock.
Who can make that, right? (laughs)
But, uh, I just wanna make sure
I understand this completely.
Um, we've been poisoning New York City
so that they will buy a pill from us?
That is correct.
- Why?
- (chair creaks)
We're the biggest company in the world.
- We make enough money.
- What is your name?
- Executive .
- (beeps) _
Are you a religious man, Executive ?
No. No. I'm a scientist.
(ominous music playing)
I realized there was no
God when I was a child.
New York City
- was a nucleus of sin, crime, disorder.
- (chittering)
I saw that humanity could not flourish
in a godless world.
People need structure, a parental
figure looking over their shoulder.
Society needs a god,
so I will be just that.
(angelic choir singing)
You see, it's not about
money, Executive .
It's about control, curation,
building a better tomorrow.
As you saw in the video,
the subject was much happier
after taking the pill.
But it wasn't real, right?
Is anything we do here real?
- Some of it.
- (scoffs)
Grow up, sweetheart.
All the sh*t we do here...
subliminal messaging, biased research,
a soda that stimulates
the same part of your brain
- as your mother's voice.
- Woo! (laughs)
It's all not real, Executive .
- But what if we get caught?
- (ominous music playing)
- That reporter with the news...
- _
she suggested the
virus may be man-made!
We could all go on trial
for crimes against humanity!
The Reporter situation is under control.
The population believes
what we want them to.
We tell them it was an act of God,
and that's what they believe,
because, quite frankly...
(angelic choir singing)
... it was.
That will be all, Executive .
(music stops)
You want me to shake your...
Yes, okay.
(chittering)
I wouldn't wanna be that guy.
(chuckles) Thank you, sir. It's a...
real honor to work for you.
Been at this company for years.
I retire tomorrow.
I thought something bad
was gonna happen. (chuckles)
(crackling)
(executives laughing)
(yelps)
(laughter continues)
- Funny joke!
- (Executive moans)
Meeting adjourned. You...
- (laughter continues)
- Okay. Yeah.
- The Assistant.
- Yes. Yes, Dr. Labcoat.
Get the ad men started.
We're good to go on the Green
Pill. Get it out today. Got it?
Huh. He hung up on me.
- The Green Pill. We need a tagline.
- _
What does it evoke?
Memories? Feelings? Family?
God damn it!
- Ad Man , what are we f*cking drinking?
- _
- _
- Tastes like f*cking garbage!
- I thought you were rich!
- I am rich, Ad Man !
It's an acquired taste,
you f*cking p*ssy!
- ♪
♪
- I love this sh*t.
I'd snort it if I hadn't deviated
my septum from all the cocaine!
- You p*ssy!
- (gasps)
(snorts)
- Woo!
- (laughs)
No, you're a p*ssy, Ad Man .
- Hi. Ad Man . The fourth one.
- _
The only way I can come
is if I hear my parents
arguing in the next room.
- Hey, guys. Can we talk about strategy?
- _
Ali, women aren't funny!
Hey, where can I spit in this
office? I haven't spit in a while.
In the spit corner, bitch!
- (hawks, spits)
- _
Oh, God, I wanna blow my own head off!
No! I wanna pay somebody
to cut my head off!
- Right? (laughs)
- Oh, I would love
to pay a woman to slit my neck.
- You in, Ali? Six thousand bucks!
- (snaps fingers)
- No.
- Hello, Hell.
(laughs) Yes, I'd like to
make a reservation for one.
Do you know what keeps me on
this piece-of-sh*t mortal coil?
Yeah, Ad Man . A-D M-A-N .
Advertising! I f*cking love advertising.
My grandpop was an Ad Man .
My father was an Ad Man ,
junior baby executive edition,
that f*cking coward! I'm an Ad Man !
(shouts) I am a god!
I love advertising,
because I'm a creative,
and I like to eat my own sh*t.
I eat my own sh*t,
and I love advertising.
I love eating sh*t and making
sponsored content, bitch.
As a measly Ad Man , I have
other interests to boost my resume
when I'm fired by a
stronger advertising man,
and those interests include
eating my own m*therf*cking sh*t!
God, I love advertising! (laughs)
(clears throat) Hey.
Yeah, we're on it. We're on it.
I want every man in this room
to scream into my ass right now!
- Shotgun!
- Oh! Me, me, me, me, me!
- (men screaming)
- (hums, beeps)
- (screams)
- (glass shatters)
(pants) You sentient buttfucks!
You ugly babies with...
with cocks the size of
tiny little pool noodles!
You f*ck fucks! This is
advertising, for f*ck's sake!
We are doing God's work!
We are gods!
You don't even deserve the title Ad Men!
You are Bad Men!
Shame doo-doo! Poopie babies!
The Green Pill is
humanity's cure to Virus X!
It...
♪ ♪
Oh sh*t.
What about that for a tagline?
Actually, that works. (chuckles) Right?
- That's pretty good.
- Great job, everybody.
Fantastic work. All around. Capital.
Ad Man , way to act like an Ad Man .
- I mean that.
- Wow. Sir, thank you.
Coming from you, that means a lot.
- (traffic noises)
- (g*n cocks)
Oh, no, no, no. Let me.
(g*nsh*t)
(Ad Man screams)
- Ali.
- (Ad Man crashes)
(car alarm blaring)
What's that?
You're an Ad Man now.
- You made it, kid.
- (beeps) _
This is so stupid.
You're so f*cking stupid, Gerald.
f*ck off!
(grunts)
- (coughs, laughs)
- _
(Ali scoffs)
(dial tone)
(babbling on phone) Hi,
it's Ali from Advertising.
I'm good.
Great.
(babbling continues)
Yeah, they're all dead.
They'll send a new batch on
Monday. So, the tagline is
"The Green Pill:
Humanity's Cure to Virus X,"
and we're gonna need some
kind jingle or something like,
♪ The Green Pill,
humanity's cure to Virus X. ♪
- (jingle playing)
- Something like that. Great.
Woman (on speaker):
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
- ♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪
- It's a really good song!
(beeps) ♪ When you're feeling
sick, when you're feeling ill ♪
- _
- ♪ Just reach on over for that Green Pill ♪
♪ It'll fix your heart,
it'll fix your brain ♪
(shouts) Do you think we
could turn it down a little bit
to discuss the FDB
status of the Green Pill?
♪ Unless you won't ever be happ... ♪
(music stops)
(chuckles)
Now it's so quiet. (clears throat)
So anyway, Dr. Labcoat,
the ingredients of the
Green Pill didn't arrive
at FDB headquarters, so...
So here I am. Not pointing
fingers or anything like that,
but, uh, it's really nice to
meet you, finally, face-to-face.
You didn't sound bald on the phone.
So anyway, we gotta know
what's in the pill, Doc.
- I mean, it's glowing, for crying out loud!
- (humming)
That's a-freaky.
How about you just write
down a couple of ingredients
on a piece of paper?
Huh? That sound good?
- I'll just go... get a piece of paper.
- (seat squeaking)
(sighs)
Ooh! This guy's scary.
(bad Australian accent) Did he
come from Down Under? (rattles)
(normal voice) Uh, where did I put that?
Let's see here.
(grunts)
You know, I don't think I... I...
Oh. I put it in the... I put it in here.
Okay.
One sec. I'm gonna get you
a nice, clean sheet of paper.
I kinda drew on all of these.
So, let me just...
Right, get right here.
(grunts) (rustling)
- (glass shatters)
- Sorry about that.
That doesn't have the
right letterhead. Oh!
(mumbles) Sorry. Sorry.
(grunting)
(sighs)
(grunts)
Oh. (grunts)
(laughs) Ooh!
Oh, forgot the pen.
- (loud clattering, smashing)
- (cat screeches)
- (dolphin chitters)
- (flame whooshes)
(grunts, blows)
All righty. There you go.
There you go.
Aw, come on, man! I got you
a piece of paper and a pen!
Just write down a couple of ingredients,
I'll approve the drug, I swear.
Ah! Just say one ingredient. One.
(tense music playing)
(breathing hard)
Approved! Approved!
Approved! Approved! Approved!
(crying) Approved! Approved!
Approved! Approved!
- (Muzak playing)
- Not approved.
What? But... I'm Executive
. I need treatment!
Look at my f*cking hand!
Well, it says here
you've been terminated.
We do not provide
service for non-employees.
Please find a free clinic elsewhere.
No, no, no. What? I'm fired?
No, no, that's impossible.
I can feel it coursing through my veins.
Look at this. It stinks!
It stinks!
- That's not my problem, sir.
- Oh!
- Please. Please.
- Sir, please don't rub that here.
Please, let me see the
doc. I need treatment.
I think Dr. Labcoat poisoned me!
I don't know how else to explain it!
(phone ringing)
Sir.
- Please fix your finger.
- It...
- I will.
- No. Sir. Sir.
Are you gonna just leave this here?
I need you to consider me signed in.
I'm gonna go get different
insurance and come back.
- Sir, please.
- Technically, I'm not leaving.
Help me! Help!
(chittering)
Uh, you haven't returned my texts.
(whispering) Qliklek,
I told you we were over.
Is it because of my lizard penis?
I told you my species
doesn't go through puberty
till we're in our
s. I can't help that.
- You are so fixated on that.
- (snarls)
- We're just not compatible.
- What did you say?
Say it again. Say it louder,
so everyone can hear how
much of a B-I-T-C-H you are.
Wow. Really? You're gonna go there?
That's why I ate your
eggs. Please leave.
- Oh...
- They were good.
- Oh...
- They were real good.
- Oh...
- They were good.
(ominous music playing)
- (Skype tone playing)
- Man's voice: Incoming call
from The President of the United States.
(beeps)
(hums)
Wow! Hey, it's me, The
President pile of garbage!
(flies buzzing) Thank you
for taking my call, Daddy...
I mean, Dr. Labcoat.
You're welcome.
Anyhoo, is it true you
have the cure to Virus X?
- Yes.
- Whoa, wow, wee,
pee-pee, poo-poo!
That's good news! We
here in the government
was gonna blowed up New York
'cause of all of the sick people.
That's why we quarantined it!
- Phew!
- Yeah, I understand.
The Green Pill, huh? I like that name.
It's easy to say and remember.
I'll go to the TV and say
everybody should buy it.
You have my full backing.
Spit in my mouth hole.
- Thank you, The President.
- Did you know that I'm a big boy?
I'm all growed up, and they painted
my picture in the Oval Office!
And now it's in all
the textbooks forever!
I'm a real thing that's happening!
- (laughing)
- (hesitantly) Yes, I heard.
I... I... I actually
can't believe it myself.
I'm bad. I'm... I'm a bad man
with bad values and morals.
I propagate hate and award selfishness.
I'm a deeply stunted man,
and it all stems from
my weird face and body.
(clearing throat)
I'm afraid this is all the
time I have, The President.
- Have a good night.
- (singsongy) Piss!
- (hums)
- (knocking on door)
- (chimes)
- Woman's voice: Enter.
Enter. Enter. Enter.
Hey. The outside doorbell. You did it.
It seemed like a
reasonable enough idea...
plus it wasn't that
hard to put in place.
(chuckles) Thanks.
Dr. Labcoat.
- You're evil.
- ♪
♪
What you're doing here at Pesci Co...
making children sick,
making people sick...
all so they'll buy your pill
the day it's released? It's...
evil.
You want to control the world.
You want to control the population.
But I'm evil too.
I want control, too.
I remember when I was
in the third grade,
it was my job to turn off the lights
when we left the classroom.
But then, one day, my teacher
gave the job to Kraig Mullen.
(squeaks)
I protested, but she didn't budge.
So, I b*rned the school
down. I was never caught.
I wasn't sloppy.
And then, when I was
in high school, I...
You were bullied by a
boy named Scott Trevors.
You injected a hydrochloric compound
into his deodorant while
you were in gym class,
and it affected his lymph
nodes, which eventually led...
to his death.
Your birth name is Alexander Regelman,
your blood type is "O,"
and your favorite animal is the turtle.
- (chuckles)
- I know who you are, The Assistant.
We're very much alike.
That's why I invited
you to the board meeting.
I see you...
as my eventual successor.
- Ah!
- Don't speak.
(smacks lips) By the way...
this came for you today.
(ominous music playing)
(chuckles)
Wait.
Do you wanna, like,
- order pizza or something?
- Oh!
- (feel-good music playing)
- Dr. Labcoat: I k*lled my mother.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Hated her.
- Oh, my God.
(emphatically) Hated her. Awful.
I used bicarbonate
and dishwashing liquid.
- No.
- It was amazing.
(pounding) Dr. Labcoat!
It's Executive !
Dr. Labcoat! Dr. Labcoat!
This really sucks!
- (both laughing)
- Poisoned Executive Number !
- Dr. Labcoat!
- (grunting) How did you do it?
- Help me!
- (laughing) Oh, I... I did it...
- at the...
- When we were... (laughing)
- Yeah. What a sucker.
- (coughing)
- (laughter continues)
- The Assistant: Oh, my God. I hated that guy.
- I hated him. I hated him.
- Dr. Labcoat: I hated that guy.
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪
♪ When you're feeling sick ♪
♪ When you're feeling ill ♪
♪ Just reach on over ♪
♪ For that Green Pill ♪
♪ It'll fix your heart,
it'll fix your brain ♪
♪ It'll fix your brain ♪
♪ It'll fix your brain ♪
♪ You need the Green Pill to be happy ♪
♪ Unless you won't ever be happy ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪
♪ You need it to be happy ♪
♪ You need the pill ♪
♪ To be happy ♪
♪ You need it to be happy ♪
♪ You need the pill ♪
♪ To be happy ♪
♪ You need it to be happy ♪
♪ You need the pill ♪
♪ To be happy ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
- (music stops)
- ♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪
♪ The Green Pill ♪ (echoes)
02x05 - Humans.
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.