(man shouting orders)
(helicopter buzzing)
(indistinct police radio chatter)
(g*ns cocking)
(both speak indiscernibly)
(breathes deeply)
(beeps)
Female voice: Mm-mm-mm!
It's a damn shame
she's not gonna make it
out of that building alive.
But then again, no one will.
I loved her.
Sam... well, The Reporter
as you know her...
she wasn't my first owner
or even my second.
See, I'm an old dog.
I've had many lives.
Some people gave me up
because they had kids.
Some people just ran out of money.
Some people didn't want to
deal with the, you know...
(farts) I mean, I get it.
I come with baggage.
You have to ball up
a little bit of tissue
to clean the gunk out of my eyes.
You gotta buy me the expensive food,
because it's good for my bones.
Hell, sometimes I can't even
walk up the stairs, child.
- (dogs barking)
- But Sam, she saw something in me.
We clicked.
You know, when a dog feels
that bond in a human, it feels good.
We feel it in our whole body.
Now sure, we may not
be as smarts as you,
but we feel just as much...
happiness, curiosity,
fear, love, joy.
(sniffles) Yeah.
I'm gonna miss her.
(crying) Just gimme a second.
(sniffling) I'm all right.
(birds chirping)
- ♪ Sit me in the way ♪
- (Phil crying) No, no.
- ♪ Motor on ♪
- f*cking blew it.
♪ And drink you say? ♪
f*cking blew it, Philly.
They were all right.
I'm a g*dd*mn loser.
And f*cking Principal Leif...
f*cking Principal Little d*ck!
Fail me outta senior year?
I'll fail you outta senior year.
- (shouts) Ohh!
- Whoa! Hello!
- What up, dude?
- Jesus Christ!
- f*cking senior year over! (laughs)
- (laughs) I know, yeah.
This is just like American Pie, right?
- Yeah! Mikey, I'm gonna f*ck your mom.
- (both laugh)
Well... all right. I wouldn't do that.
- I'm sorry, man.
- All right, come on. Get your cap on.
What are you doing? We're gonna be late.
No, just gimme a second.
- (coughs, sniffles)
- What, are you crying?
No, I'm not. I'm just like... it's
a... it's a big day, you know?
Hey, bud, don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened.
You know? (burps)
Like what girls say. Like
what girls say, yeah.
Plus we're going to college, dude.
(chuckles)
Animation school in California?
- Are you kidding me, dude?
- (sobbing) I know!
Plus, I hear they hand out condoms
as soon as you walk into the dorm.
- They give you condoms?
- Yes.
- For sex?
- Exactly.
- That's so cool.
- It's f*cking sick.
- Can I say something real quick?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I don't have a dad. You know that.
- I'm very familiar.
As soon as you sat down
and you said, "Hey, bud."
I was like, "Woop!
You're my best friend."
I'm... I am honored to be your dad.
- You're not my dad, okay? See
- What are you talking...
- No, I was opening up a little bit.
- You just said I was your dad.
Now you're making a joke out of it.
- You wanna go play catch?
- f*ck off.
Let's f*cking do it! Let's graduate!
- Can't wait to get out of this dump.
- (chuckles nervously)
Totally, man. High school sucks.
College is gonna be so cool.
All right, boys, come on, big smile.
Okay, we're gonna start with my camera,
and then Mr. Luciano's camera.
- Come on, let me get my arm around ya.
- Mom: Big smiles, guys.
- Is that a g*ng sign?
- No, Mom.
- (whispers) Rad boys for life, dude.
- Yeah.
- Here we go. One, two...
- (camera clicks)
- So proud.
- So proud. So happy.
Hey, bud.
What's up? We should
probably get going.
No, I just... I want to tell
you I'm so proud of you.
I know school wasn't always for you...
- Yeah. (chuckles)
- ...but you did it.
You are a high school graduate.
Well...
And I am as proud as a
mother could ever be.
(crying) I'm sorry. Can you
just stop for a second?
- Are you crying?
- I'm not f*cking crying.
I get it. I'm crying too.
- (wails)
- Okay.
- Is Mike here?
- Yeah, he's...
- Did Mike see that?
- I saw the whole thing.
- f*ck off, dude!
- Hey.
I'm sorry for cursing, but I'm
just like... this is a lot.
- Shake it off. Shake it off.
- Blah! (laughs)
- I feel better now. Come on, Mommy.
- Let's go.
- (burps)
- (classical score plays)
Leif: And of course, some of
you are going off to college,
others will be rooting around in
garbage for the rest of your lives,
but I am proud of each
and every one of you rats.
But special recognition belongs
to your class valedictorian.
Please welcome Mike Luciano.
(all cheering)
- Oh, yay, Mike! Go, Mike!
- f*cking number one!
Thank you, Principal Leif.
Wow. Can you believe we did it, guys?
Man. So crazy, so sick. (snaps fingers)
I want to thank my parents
and parents everywhere.
- (cheers, applause)
- Liz: That's my son!
Honestly, we do it all for you,
to make you proud.
I also want to thank Mark and
Jay, my lacrosse co-captains.
(laughs) Yeah! La Pura Vida!
(laughs, coughs)
But, most of all, I want to
thank my best friend, Phil.
What?
- (whispers) Dude, Mike, shh!
- Liz: All right, Phil!
- Nino: Yeah, Phil!
- Mom: I love you, Phil!
(whispers) Mike,
shut the f*ck up, dude.
Sure, I'm valedictorian,
and he barely passed,
- but we're in this together.
- Shh! Wrap it up, dude.
I believe it was the poet
laureate Billie Joe Armstrong
who crooned,
"It's something unpredictable,
yet in the end it's right,
and I hope you had the...
Mr. Matarese, what are you doing here?
f*ck me.
- What the hell's going on here?
- Oh, wait.
You didn't tell anyone?
(laughs) Oh, this is great.
What? What? What did he say?
Ladies and gentlemen, a good life
lesson is sitting right there.
(crowd whispering)
If you don't do your homework,
if you blow off all of your classes,
if you refer to me
as Principal Little d*ck,
if you spray-paint "Principal
Little d*ck" on my car,
if you somehow...
beyond my comprehension...
legally change my name
to "Principal Little d*ck,"
then this is what happens... you fail.
You fail senior year
and you must repeat it.
Liz, what's going on?
- That boy, Phil Matarese...
- (crowd gasps)
...is a failure.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Phil didn't graduate?
He shouldn't even be here.
Security, escort him out,
and don't spare the Tazer.
Um, I just wanna say that,
Principal Leif...
(shouts) You suck! f*ck you, dude!
- (laughs)
- (male coughs)
Wait. Come on. No one's
laughing at that?
- (crowd murmuring)
- f*ck.
Mom: Oh, Phil, how
could you not tell me?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mommy.
(burps)
Leif: Did he just call his mom "Mommy"?
- (laughter)
- Leif: You guys hear that?
- Male: Woo!
- Leif: All right, anyway,
let's get these diplomas handed out
and send these kids to their
bright, promising futures.
- (cheering)
- Leif: Yeah-ha!
(ominous music plays)
(men grunt, shout)
(beeping)
(indiscernible chatter)
(shouting orders indiscernibly)
(beeping)
(shouts orders indiscernibly, grunts)
- (hums)
- (gasps)
(shouts indiscernibly)
- (hissing)
- (men screaming)
(doors rattling)
(gasps) (beeping)
(gasps, shouts)
(man shouts orders)
- (men yelp)
- (whirs, thuds)
(clanging)
(grunts, shouts)
(hums)
(g*nsh*t)
- (mumbles)
- (g*n cocks)
Hello again. I want to
introduce you to somebody,
a good friend of mine,
perhaps my best friend.
(mumbles)
(spits, chuckles) I'm sorry.
This is Murphy the duck.
Say hello, Murphy.
(deep voice) Hello, my name
is Murphy, and I'm a duck.
I like to fly and swim and poop on cars.
(normal voice) Murphy, do you
mind that I chew you up?
(deep voice) No, no. If it makes
you happy, it makes me happy.
And also, I have
a little squeaker inside me
that mimics the sound
of an animal dying.
It's in your nature
to want to destroy me!
(normal voice)
Murphy, may I hear the squeak?
- (squeaks)
- Very good, Murphy! Oh, that was good!
You know I love you,
right, Murphy. You know that.
(deep voice) And I love you too.
- (normal voice, growls) Mmm.
- (squeaking)
(thuds)
You know, they say that
animals can sense things...
you know, thunderstorms
or when someone is sick.
We seem to be able to tap
into an unseen plane of reality.
A peephole into eternity of sorts.
A glimpse into the hereafter.
It's true what they say, though.
All dogs do go to heaven.
But not all men.
Some are just born to be bad,
angry that they're not God.
(sniffs)
Tsk. I feel something coming.
Something really bad.
(farts)
That wasn't what I was talking about.
I mean something in
addition to that is coming.
Something else really bad. Not that.
(rock music playing)
Woman: Could you turn the track up?
- (subway car rattles)
- (rats laughing)
Mom: But, you know, I think
another year could do him good.
Yeah.
Not everyone is ready
for college right away.
I tell you, it's that Principal
Leif, that son of a bitch.
- He always had it in for Phil.
- He did. He did.
Really. Yes. I agree. Leif
has always been a dipshit.
- What a d*ck.
- What a jerk.
Thank you for the invitation.
It's a really incredible party.
- Delicious summer salad.
- You're welcome.
Hey, honey. Hi, Mommy.
Come back and join the party.
- No.
- Come on, there's cheese puffs.
Can you get me a plate of baby carrots?
You can come get your own
plate of baby carrots.
It's just embarrassing
that I'm at my graduation party
and I didn't graduate,
'cause I'm a f*cking idiot.
- You're not an idiot.
- I am an idiot.
I flunked out of senior year
of f*cking high school,
and now I am able to just
cry freely into this pool.
- Water to water.
- Okay, honey. I love you.
I mean, I'm terribly
disappointed, but I love you.
Yeah, no, that's the
general theme of the day.
(clears throat) Hello, how do you do?
I'm so glad to see you... buttfucker.
There's my little Mikey.
Hey, boy, come here!
- Hey, Auntie May, how's it going?
- Aw, I love you.
- Gimme some sugar.
- Both: Mwah.
I flew all the way from South Jersey
to have my g*dd*mn picture taken.
- (both laugh)
- (smacks)
All right. So, your friend the idiot,
he won't be going with you
to California, I'd imagine.
Uh, Phil? I mean,
he's not really an idiot.
- No, he's just kinda...
- Oh, well, that's your opinion.
Well, I mean, he doesn't
have a dad, so...
- Yeah, so? I don't either.
- All right. I guess...
Look, come here. I wanna
give you some advice.
Oh. Okay. I'm serious about this.
You're a smart boy,
and you'll do great things.
Don't let that h*m* hold you back.
- Wow.
- You're gay with him, aren't you?
What? No, I'm not gay with Phil, okay?
In fact, I actually crush p*ssy, so...
- Oh, you're a little bitch, Mike.
- What?
- I said, "You're a little bitch, Mike."
- f*ck you, Auntie May.
f*ck me? Well, that would be incest,
although I've always said,
"Incest is relative."
- (laughs)
- Ugh! You've always said that? Why?
I didn't ask you to come here, okay?
My mom asked you to come here!
I think you f*cking did
ask me to come here.
Why would I ask for my...
Because you've always
had a crush on me.
Everyone knows it. All of South
Jersey knows it! (rats gasp)
- (sips)
- Great seeing you, Auntie May.
Well, it wasn't great seeing
you, you little twerp.
Woo! I'm f*cking wasted.
Aren't you the cutest little thing?
You're not my type.
- (sighs)
- Mike: Hey, man.
- Oh, hey.
- I heard you wanted some baby carrots.
Oh, thank you for the carrots
and the paper plate.
I love baby carrots. Did you know
they're just big carrots shaved down?
- They're not actually small carrots.
- Really?
Yeah.
I thought they grew little
carrots and then grew...
No, it's ugly carrots that
they can't sell in the stores,
'cause people, you know,
they like visual aesthetics.
They shave them down into baby carrots.
- Wow.
- Yeah, but anyway,
listen, I'm sorry about earlier today.
Oh. Like lying about not
graduating high school.
Don't worry about it. I mean, it blows.
It f*cking blows, dude. I
mean, here's the good news.
We'll still be able to stay in touch,
You know, it'll be like I
never left, basically.
Wait. What are you talking about?
I'm just saying when I'm in
California, it's like with Facebook
- and with...
- You're still going to California?
(chuckles) Of course I'm still going.
It was my idea to go
to the animation school,
and you're gonna go without me?
I showed you that.
What do you want, me to stay back
here and repeat senior year with you?
No, dude, but we were gonna be
a team on this cartoon, man.
You didn't get your sh*t together.
What do you want me to say?
- I didn't get my sh*t together?
- It's not my...
I also don't have
a f*cking dad, okay, dude?
So I'm dealing with a
little bit less...
f*cking dad sh*t.
...of a stacked deck
than you are, all right, buddy?
Well, that doesn't mean that
I should nix my dreams to...
It's our f*cking dream!
In the of this scenario,
I'm Nick Hexum,
and you're S.A. Martinez,
and that's not a bad
thing, but you just
can't exist without Nick Hexum. Got it?
As per usual, you're making
everything about yourself
and , which is its own thing.
- You're fired.
- (chuckles) I'm sorry. What?
- You're f*cking fired.
- You're f*cking fired!
- You're fired from my life!
- You're f*cking fired from my life!
- You're fired. You're fired.
- You're fired.
f*ck this, dude.
I'm quitting the Phil show.
I'll do my own sh*t.
(chuckles) Oh, and guess what.
- What?
- 's not even that good.
- What'd you say?
- , the band that you so subscribed
your entire life to
isn't even that f*cking good.
Sure, the one album, the self-titled
is great. I love it, of course,
- but...
- (grunts)
There's a line. There's a f*cking line
and you f*cking crossed it
and you know it.
- Did you really just do that?
- You were outta line.
(sputtering)
- You gonna f*cking drown me?
- (shouts)
I called it! They're gays together!
I don't have a problem with it.
In fact, I'm sort of a gay icon.
It's a beautiful thing.
Shame on you for thinking otherwise!
- (both grunting)
- Hey, boys!
Knock it off! You boys
are best friends! Stop it!
Get the f*ck off me, Mike!
Have fun in California,
you piece of sh*t.
Yeah, I f*cking will!
You see that p*ssy sucker
punch me, Cool Uncle Jeff?
- (munches)
- So cool.
(howling)
(giggles) Sometimes I
just like to be silly.
Well, our time here is almost done.
I'd like to leave you
with some parting thoughts.
(footsteps)
We all want love.
- To be loved.
- (clinks)
- To give love.
- (zaps)
To pet dogs.
To make our parents proud.
To make our children happy.
To make the world a better place
for our brothers and sisters
- to live with compassion
- (thuds)
and without fear.
To live brave.
- (door slams)
- (g*n cocks)
You know what? f*ck you, Mike!
And f*ck you, Principal Little d*ck!
And f*ck school, f*ck graduation, dude,
and fu... f*cking... f*ck , man.
- Just f*ck everything, dude.
- Psst!
- Huh?
- Hey, Phil, it's me, Nick Hexum,
from your favorite band, .
(gasps, whispers) Nick H-E-X-U-M.
Yup, that's me. Hey, Phil,
what's your favorite album?
Oh, sh*t, dude. Putting me on the spot.
Well, I'd have to say it's
a tie between Grassroots,
, Music, Transistor, and Soundsystem.
(chuckles) Equal.
Oh, snap! No new stuff?
Oh my God, it's S.A. Martinez!
But it's not like that, dude.
I like all your stuff.
It's okay. It's all right. I'm
just playing, man. We're cool.
(laughs)
So, Phil, do you remember
a song off Soundsystem
called "Life's Not a Race"?
♪ So hard to believe ♪
- Yeah, exactly. No, do you ever...
- ♪ Part of me will fade ♪
♪ In the mystery, in a future world ♪
- He gonna do the whole song?
- ♪ Long ago ♪
♪ Part feels for your love
and lives to tell you so ♪
Wow, he's really going for it.
- We get it. We know the song.
- ♪ You can't stop entropy ♪
- ♪ So why even try? ♪
- Okay, okay, stop right there.
"You can't stop entropy,
so why even try?"
Do you know what I meant by that?
Yeah! It's like life
is like... it's a spiral
and it's also kind of
a staircase to heaven.
- Mmm, not quite. (whispers)
- Nick, I don't think
he knows what "entropy" means, man.
Do you know what entropy means?
What is this, f*cking
English class or something?
Get off my back. Jesus Christ.
See, Phil, entropy stems
from thermodynamics.
It's a theory that all things
have a gradual
but inevitable decline into disorder,
decomposition, collapse,
et cetera, et cetera.
(whispers) Wait a minute. From Chaos.
That's exactly right. From Chaos.
And if you actually
listened to that album,
you'd hear me say,
"From chaos comes clarity."
See, Phil, you're only given a limited
time on this wild ride called life,
and while we sometimes can't
control the things around us,
we can make the most of our time here.
So, maybe if you spent
more time actually drawing
and honing your craft
instead of jerking off,
you might not have
flunked out of school.
You could've gotten
that art scholarship
that you secretly wanted, Phil.
And as for Mike,
he believes in you, dude.
You're a f*cking assh*le, and he
remained your friend this whole time.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, me and S.A.
fight every now and then,
- but it's all good. It's only natural.
- f*ck you.
- Just kidding.
- Oh. Okay.
(grunts)
- (knocks)
- Oh, hey, Dad.
All right, I'll meet you outside.
(chuckles) Wow. That
was a great episode...
by Phil and Mike.
What am I do... I'm a f*cking assh*le.
What time is it? I can still catch him.
- , thank you so much.
- We're here to help, man.
I love you guys so much. I
listen to you guys every day.
See you later, Nick. See you, Phil.
- See you later, S.A.
- Later, man.
- Tell P-Nut I said, "Wassup?"
- You got it.
(door opens, closes)
All right, man, so what
do you wanna do now?
- Uh, tacos?
- Tacos.
So, I implore you...
live through love,
be compelled by love,
be motivated by love,
be in awe of love.
Don't let the world swallow you.
Don't let negativity, ego, money,
or accolades guide your life.
Love your neighbor.
Buy expensive dog food...
it tastes better.
Because, really, no matter what...
entropy will win out in the end.
Goodbye, y'all. I love you.
(snoring)
- (police radio chatter)
- (helicopter buzzing)
(dramatic music playing)
- (beeps)
- (humming)
(clatters)
(beeping)
(birds chirping)
- Hmm?
- (beeps)
- Hey.
- Huh?
- (speaks indiscernibly)
- (static)
(people chattering)
(speaking indiscernibly)
(continues over speakers)
(continues over microwave)
(speaking indiscernibly)
Please.
- Mmm.
- (beeps)
- (alarm blaring)
- (whirs, beeps)
(beeps, clanking)
(whooshes)
(hissing)
(people screaming)
- (hissing continues)
- (screams)
(screaming)
- (shouts)
- (all screaming)
Mike! Mike! Where the f*ck is he?
- Mikey, have a blast in California.
- I'm gonna miss him so much.
- Family hug!
- Love you guys.
- Be safe.
- Bye, Mike.
Good luck. Thanks, Mrs. Matarese.
I'll come visit you
in California. (kisses)
I'll write to you. I promise.
- Liz: Bye! Love you.
- Nino: Bye, Mike. Love you.
- Bye, Mike. Good luck.
- Mike!
- (pants) Mike!
- Phil?
(pants, coughs) Dude, uh...
- I just wanted to say, "Later."
- (chuckles) You know? Oh. Yeah.
All right, have fun, man.
- Bring it. Bring it in, yeah.
- Cool, thanks, man.
(clears throat)
- Text you when I get in.
- Yeah, text me in the morning
- or something. Peace.
- Cool.
Hey, man. You want to, like,
play video games or something?
- Okay.
- Tight.
- I'm Phil.
- I'm Jonas.
I'm gonna call you
Mike, if that's okay.
I don't see a problem.
Mike: Phil! Phil! Holy sh*t.
Everybody, get up here!
- (rats murmuring)
- Everybody, it sounds intense.
- He's "Lassie-ing" us.
- Mike, come on, hurry up.
Whoa. Holy sh*t.
It's completely empty. There
are no humans in sight.
(wind blows)
(animal noises) Phil:
It's just animals now.
Mom: It's beautiful.
(rooster crows)
Auntie May:
Well, I'll be dipped in sh*t.
So, are you still
gonna go to California?
("New York, New York" playing)
No f*cking way, dude. The city is ours.
We can do whatever we want.
And f*ck school.
We'll figure out a way
to make the cartoon on our own.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like in Final Cut or some sh*t,
- screen it around town, build a buzz.
- Yeah, build a buzz!
We're never gonna leave.
What do you say?
(coughs)
♪ Start spreading the news ♪
- Mike!
- ♪ I'm leaving today ♪
- No, he's not!
- ♪ I want to be a part of it ♪
Both: ♪ New York, New York ♪
(Mike and Phil vocalizing)
(door opens)
Oh sh*t! A turtle!
(dogs howling to melody)
♪ It's up to you, New York ♪
♪ New York... ♪
Phil: Whoa, dude! That sounded good.
- Mike: That sounded incredible.
- That was really good.
Hold on. I'm trying
to concentrate on the moves.
- Sure.
- Okay, and then a little tush.
- Great, we're all in sync.
- Let's keep it up.
It's going good. Oh! The sign's down.
- Oh! There we go!
- Both: There's a fire!
Phil: Look! Clear the room!
Just run! Run!
- Oh God!
- Mike: Oh!
♪ We will be gone ♪
♪ But not forever ♪
♪ Come on, let's try ♪
♪ And know whatever we try ♪
♪ We will be gone ♪
♪ But not forever ♪
♪ We will be gone ♪
♪ But not forever ♪
♪ Come on, let's try ♪
♪ And know whatever we try ♪
♪ We will be gone ♪
♪ But not forever ♪
♪ The real truth about it is ♪
♪ There ain't no end ♪
♪ To the desert I'll cross ♪
♪ I've really known it all along ♪
♪ Mama, here comes midnight ♪
♪ With the dead moon in its jaws ♪
02x10 - Dog
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.