(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
I think it's... I think it's
like a microphone or something.
The general's pen.
(WHISTLES) Test. Test.
Hot Trivago guy. Pictures of hot
Trivago guy. It's like a Siri.
What, do you think it's Siri?
You think it's like a Siri?
I think they're watching us.
Mike, it's : on a Friday night.
Nobody's watching us. All right, buddy?
- You're right.
- It's because of the bunker.
We've been in here
for three f*cking years.
Of course we're gonna
start putting together
things that aren't there. It's a pen.
And it's a blue-inked pen at that,
which is the redheaded
stepchild of the pen world.
Sure, you love them the
same, but ya gotta
put more sunscreen on them at the beach,
and what if the other kids
at school make fun 'em
or if they have an Irish
tendency to drink, Michael.
(IRISH ACCENT) What are we
gonna do if our son's gripped
by the devil's juice! Oh!
I think I've got a little
of the bunker brain myself.
- I think so.
- I'm getting a little stir crazy.
Seriously. No, honestly,
(FADES) the other night
I noticed it too.
(SQUEALS, LAUGHS) Yoo-hoo!
- (CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS)
- Honk, honk! (LAUGHS)
Plonky loves you, Philip!
Plonky protects you, Philip!
Oh! You know what you should do?
You should cut Mike's neck open
because he's filled with Starburst,
and there's no yellows! Yeah! Spleen.
Look at my big ass! Isn't that funny?
(MUSIC STOPS)
- What?
- (CLEARS THROAT)
We're on sector , dogs, today.
Oh. Oh, great! Dogs.
Oh my God, I love dogs.
God, I just wanna kiss 'em. I
just wanna love 'em. (CHUCKLES)
Pervert.
Ew! It's not like I have
a crush on dogs.
- Okay.
- I will admit the girl dog
in A Goofy Movie was very pretty.
She was a teenager. She was...
they were little kids.
They were, like,
in middle school in that movie.
I don't think so. I... no.
- PHIL: She was , maybe.
- MIKE: Well, that in dog years is old.
PHIL: You keep finding these
loopholes to be a scumbag.
MIKE: I do backflips
through those loopholes.
Yeah, okay.
DOG PHIL: We all remember
where we were on Green Day,
- the day our humans left.
- (DOGS BARKING)
At first, it was great.
We ate, we f*cked and sucked, and
we chucked things at each other.
- It was sick tight!
- (LAUGHS) Get it?
PHIL: Then with no owners
to tell us what to do,
how to act or when to sit,
- liberation led to chaos.
- (HOWLING)
There was theft, v*olence,
cans-of-balls-ism.
Our species had hit rock bottom,
but we needed to.
- (DOG WHINES)
- PHIL: 'Cause it clarified
we needed to free ourselves
from Human Owner Dependency.
I wish I could say it gets
easier, but it just doesn't.
Every day is a battle
where you look in the mirror
and you say, "Hey. Hey, HODA!"
DOGS: Hey, HODA!
- (APPLAUSE)
- MIKE: Oh wow!
I feel like I saw the whole thing.
Additionally, I would like
to congratulate Phil
on being one year independent!
- Oh my God! My chip!
- MIKE: You got your chip.
- Congratulations, buddy!
- PHIL: Oh my God.
Okay, that's gonna wrap it
up for today! All right?
- DOG: Such an inspiration. Thank you.
- PHIL: Thanks so much.
Hey, you'll get there! You'll get there!
- Philly!
- Hey.
One year independent.
That's a big deal, man.
- I'm truly proud of you, bud.
- Thanks, Mike.
Hey, you sure you're all
right living up there
in your apartment by yourself?
It's just, you get tempted...
Yeah. I'm a year in, you know
there's no going back for me.
My apartment's got exposed brick.
You have exposed brick?
- I got EB, dude. Yeah. It's...
- MIKE: Wow.
- All right, so you're good. Great.
- PHIL: I'm good, I'm cool.
- MIKE: All right, cool. I guess I'll...
- See you at work?
- ...see you at work tomorrow!
- Yeah. Foze?
- Oh hey, Phil.
- Fluffy, my favorite sponsee!
How you holding up, buddy?
Everything good?
Um, to be honest with you, I've just
been having a tough go of it lately.
- What's up?
- I mean I been doing my exercises
like we learned and everything...
empowerment chanting...
- PHIL: Sure. Great.
- ...the vision boarding, burpees even,
but it's hard not looking at the door
and thinking my owner's
gonna walk in any second
with his big ol' eyes,
generally pale complexion.
Maybe he's tired from sh**ting
small but impactful movie roles
or finishing a starring role
in HBO's Boardwalk Empire
or maybe a Sandler film.
He's in that camp.
Fluffy, I know this is
supposed to be anonymous,
but was your old human Steve Buscemi?
- (CHUCKLES) I don't know.
- Oh my God! It was!
Oh man, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I got offtrack.
- PHIL: No, it's okay.
- My mind wanders, ya know.
Listen, Fluffy, I'm here for you.
If you're thinking of using,
you give me a call right away,
all right, dude?
- Thank you, Phil, thank you.
- All right, have a good night.
You know, he was in Airheads too.
I mean, people sometimes
forget about his
comedic film output
with the Coen brothers
- Oh, Steve Buscemi.
- ...and the Tarantino roles.
- oh my God, he's so funny. Like he's...
- Good stuff. All right, Fluff,
- I'll see you later, bud.
- Peace out.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
So, class, can anybody tell
me what animal this is?
- RINGO: Oh I know, I know!
- Ringo, yeah.
That's Sammy's mom!
Old wolf-ass butt-sniffer.
Shut up, Ringo! At least
my mom's not in our class.
STUDENTS: Ooh!
Your mom's licking
somebody's booty right now,
trying to figure out what they ate,
what neighborhood they live in.
- That's just not right.
- That's how your momma get information!
Your momma get information
by licking other dog butt, man!
(DOGS SHOUTING)
PHIL: All right, all right,
everybody calm down.
- Uh, yeah, Chi Chi, let's hear it.
- That's a wolf, Mr. Matarese.
Wolf! Correct!
(RINGO MUTTERS) I said that, man.
I knew it was a wolf.
- PHIL: Chi Chi got it. Wolves.
- (CHI CHI WHISPERS) f*ck yeah.
The wild, vicious animals are in fact
direct ancestors of dogs.
They've managed to survive
completely on their own in the wild.
So, what you're saying is,
wolves were never pets?
Chi Chi, please raise your hand.
Yes, wolves were never pets.
And as you all know, before Green
Day, dogs were domesticated,
meaning we were pets for humans.
But hundreds of years before that,
dogs were like wolves.
We were wild. We were free.
RINGO: Like how Sammy
gets cartoon wolf eyes
every time he sees Chi Chi?
He's like "Aah-ooo-gah!
I got a crush on Chi Chi!
Chi Chi, be my wife!"
SAMMY: So what, Ringo?
At least Chi Chi's real,
unlike your "girlfriend in Canada."
Sabine is real!
I'll Skype her right now,
you son of a bitch.
MOM: You better not have an
online girlfriend, Ringo!
No son of mine's getting MTV Catfished.
- DOGS: Ooh!
- She sent me pictures, Ma!
All right, all right,
calm down! Calm down!
The point is that post-Green Day,
us dogs have a chance to return
to our natural way of things.
You guys are the future, man.
Reclaim your independence.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- PHIL: Just a reminder, I need the money
and signed permission slips
for our field trip
to the Upper West Side kennel
museum, okay, everybody?
RINGO: Oh, Mr. Matarese, I wanna go
- to the M&M store in Times Square!
- That'd be fun.
Guys, it's a part of
our history! Right, g*ng?
- DOG: Yeah, I guess so.
- RINGO: All right.
Hey, Chi Chi, I haven't received
your field trip money and slip.
If anyone would benefit from a
valuable learning experience
like this, it'd be you.
Jeez, Mr. Matarese, sounds interesting
but money's a little tight right now.
I don't think my mom would want
me spending it on this. Sorry.
- Hey, real quick.
- Mm-hmm?
What would your mom prefer
you to spend it on?
- I'm just curious.
- Like, ginger ale?
All right, well, at least
think it over for me.
(MUMBLING) All right, I just
told you I couldn't do it...
♪ ♪
- (PHONE SWIPING)
- PHIL: No.
- No! Ooh, he's cute.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- You have it? Do you have the stuff?
- Yeah, of course, dude.
Sorry, I'm just nervous.
I haven't done this before.
- You want it or what?
- I just put it around my neck, right?
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- Yeah.
- Hey!
- Mr. Matarese!
Hey, get back here! You get over here!
- Get off me, man!
- Don't bite!
Let me see what you got in here!
Custom name collars? Bedazzled leashes?
Where'd you get all this stuff?
What's your name?
- My name's Frisbee.
- Listen, I'm sure you think
- it's pretty cool to be owned, right?
- Yeah.
Well, it's not. It gets dark real fast.
Pretty soon you'll be
begging for food at a table
ain't nobody eating at, got it?
Whatever. I know you like a
good choke, Mr. Matarese.
You better be talking about a
lesser-known Chuck Palahniuk novel
because that's the only
Choke I'm about now.
- And I'm confiscating your stash.
- What?
You're lucky I believe in
second chances like Hollywood
and that long-faced
donkey boy Miles Teller.
Pssh! Ex-addict.
PHIL: Yeah, you're damn right.
And proudly one year sober,
and you'll be too!
He's gone. f*ck it.
♪ ♪
(TWEETS)
(SIRENS BLARE)
(APPLAUSE ON TV)
Hmm, Jim Carrey never
got out of character
while filming that Andy
Kaufman movie, thus proving
that Jim Carrey was not
held enough as a baby.
(CHUCKLES, GASPS)
Shouldn't have brought
that in this bachelor pad.
(SIPS) Oh boy.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm one year, I'm not going back.
Oh f*ck it!
Oh. Ooh, yes.
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
(BOTH LAUGH, DISTORTED)
(DISTORTED) Stop it, it tickles.
Ooh, ooh.
(BELL DINGS)
- (GRUNTING)
- (PHONE BUZZING)
(SLURS) I can't call Meredith.
f*ck.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- You know, the wolves situa...
(COUGHS) 'Scuse me.
The wolf situation is that
the genealogy of the, uh...
(SCOFFS) Maybe Mr. Matarese had
too many snow cones or something.
(LAUGHS)
- (SHOUTS) Shove it up your ass, Ringo!
- (SHATTERS)
(DOGS GASP)
Uh, I didn't mean nothin' by it, Mr.
Matarese.
Just doing what I do.
(BREATHES SHAKILY) I'm sorry.
- (TAPPING)
- f*ck, I've just got this headache.
Sammy, can you stop tapping
on the f*cking desk?
Ah! I'm sorry for cursing!
Son of a bitch!
Did someone say, "Son of a bitch"?
'Cause that's me!
DOGS: Mr. Luciano!
He's our guidance counselor.
We feel comfortable talking to him
because of his beard and argyle sweater!
I love you guys. You keep me young.
- Hey, Mr. Matarese.
- PHIL: Yeah?
Um, you mind stepping outside for a sec?
- I can have a word with you?
- DOGS: Ooh!
- DOG: You're in trouble.
- Yeah. Yeah sure.
I cry in Luciano's office a lot.
Phil, Fluffy's in the hospital.
What? What happened to him? I was
just talking to him last night!
- He went back on the leash.
- (SOBBING)
He fell out of the first floor window.
He's a small Chihuahua, so that
- height is extremely dangerous!
- God, dude.
Why wouldn't he reach out
for help from one of us?
He didn't call you or anything?
I mean, you're his sponsor, so.
Fluffy? No, he didn't call me. No way.
I would've picked up day or night.
I don't let down my sponsees like that.
Okay. Just had to ask.
To the hospital!
♪ ♪
- PHIL: Oh God, where is he?
- MIKE: There he is!
- PHIL: Oh, Fluffster!
- (RHYTHMIC BEEPING)
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
- MIKE: Oh, Fluffy.
- What is that beeping sound? What...
If I stop, it's gonna be all...
(MIMICS FLATLINE TONE)
- Oh God, please, please, please!
- Keep going! Keep going!
- (MIMICS BEEPING)
- (PHIL AND MIKE SIGH)
- MIKE: Jesus Christ.
- PHIL: Well, how's he doing? How's Fluff?
Well, there's no question,
he's in critical condition.
I mean, Fluffy's lucky to be alive.
He could've d*ed falling out
that one-story window, you know.
I knew it. I knew that.
You know, I hate to be a stickler,
but I dunno about "die." I mean,
one story, it's not even...
I'm sorry, who is this?
We got Dr. Phil over here?
The Chihuahua's got
a bad brain, okay, Sherlock?
That's funny, 'cause my name is Phil,
so I would actually be Dr. Phil.
- Wait a minute, Doctor Who?
- Ah, finally, a woman!
I told you, I'm more of a Sherlock girl.
No, Doctor Who is a girl.
Excuse me, has anyone here
seen the show Luther?
GROUP: Aah!
Ow. (GROANS)
- PHIL: Fluffy! Fluffy!
- MIKE: Oh God, Fluffy.
I called you, Phil.
Why didn't you pick up your phone?
I'm sorry, Fluff. I... I don't know.
I let you down.
A little bit, but don't worry about it.
I saw Steve. They brought him back.
I saw him.
Fluffy, you were using. It wasn't real.
Oh my God, Steve Buscemi?
Yeah, yeah, the one and only.
I mean, always so nice to meet a fan.
- I mean, oh! Ow! Everything really hurt.
- (FARTS)
- MIKE: Fluffy, I'm sorry.
- I'm not gonna make it.
- Let's give him some space.
- Get well soon, Fluff. Stay strong.
♪ ♪
Oh, Fluffy. I f*cking
let you down, Fluff.
No, I need something more.
- (GRUNTS)
- (TOYS SQUEAKING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Oh... yeah!
Philly's back, baby!
Cue the montage!
(SNIFFING) Abercrombie.
Ooh, a tidbit of Old Navy!
(SNIFFS) Forever !
Where to, Meredith?
Once around the block so I can poo-poo?
(LAUGHS)
- (GRUNTS, LAUGHS) I'll get it Meredith!
- (BALL SQUEAKS)
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- (GASPS)
Oh boy! This is it. The big one.
The authorities are here
to take me away for good!
I'm coming! I'm Just jerking off!
I'm almost there!
Okay, give me a second!
- (KNOCKING CONTINUES)
- (FLUSHES)
Okay. Hi, Officer. How's it...
Huh? What the f*ck is this?
(MIKE'S VOICE READING):From Mike. Fluffy not your fault.
Treat yourself.
"P.S. Melon a little boring,
"but definitely fresh.
"And if you could Venmo me, like, half,
I'd apreesh. XX."
- What the f*ck is this?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
f*cking bullshit. Bunch of nonsense.
(SNIFFING, GASPS)
I lost the f*cking scent! God dammit!
I flushed everything I had
for a fruit basket...
a melon-dominant fruit basket!
I need some sh*t now!
(GROWLING, MUTTERING)
(DISTORTED) Oh, I need some sh*t.
Ooh, farts. Ooh, farts.
- Get a job!
- You get a haircut, hippie!
Wait, I'm sorry! Oh!
- DOG: Oh, disgusting.
- (DEMONIC VOICE): Suck my d*ck!
Or I'll suck yours if you
got some sh*t on you!
Just kidding! (LAUGHS)
(BABBLES)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
"Quack Market."
Ooh, Simon Birch.
(QUACKING)
Duck's got huge balls.
"Dog miss owner?
Bad Boy punishment tool here."
Yes, this is what papa needs!
Bad boy! Bad Phil!
Bad, bad, bad, bad!
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
- There's your money, you f*cking duck!
- (QUACKS)
♪ ♪
(PHIL LAUGHS)
Quack, quack.
Don't step on a quack or you'll
break your mother's back.
- (QUACKING)
- PHIL: Is she okay?
What happened?
PHIL: You scratch me there and I kick.
Get your f*cking wings off of me!
(GRUNTING)
Well, f*ck you too,
you buncha Daffy-ass Donalds!
- Whoa! Was that a baby?
- (SQUEAKS)
Where the hell else can I go?
I need a f*cking fix.
- (QUACKS)
- Ow!
Frisbee. The kid from school.
(GROWLING, MUTTERING)
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- Hey, Mr. Matarese!
Oh, Jesus! Oh hey, Chi Chi.
- I talked to my mom about the field trip.
- PHIL: Yeah.
...and well, I started working extra
shifts to cover my expenses and...
Oh great. This is awesome.
...I think when it
really comes down to it,
the virtues that you've been
trying to teach us in class,
- Okay, sure.
- I feel like have finally
come into focus in many ways.
- Thanks, Chi Chi. Okay, bye.
- Oh, Mr. Matarese.
Always running off
all sketchy and whatnot.
Hey! Hey, Frisbee! Frisbee, right?
What do you want, narc?
You already took my stash.
- (GROWLS)
- Ah! Get your paws off me, dude!
Well, that all got flushed,
okay, baby boy?
And I need some more. Where
can I get the good stuff?
Um, I think I can get some more collars.
Ah, f*ck that collar sh*t,
- all right, buddy?
- Whoa!
That's tee-ball, and I'm
full-on Air Bud now baby.
Okay, okay, calm down.
I think I know of something
that is up your alley.
I can make her come back.
- What do you mean "her"?
- Your owner.
- (WHISPERS) Meredith.
- It's gonna cost you big,
but listen, this ain't no quick fix.
- It's an experience, bro.
- Uh, oh sh*t. I got... this.
- How... how about that? Is that enough?
- Sorry, old man.
This thing's gonna cost you
a whole lot more than this.
Roughly this amount times,
like, a classroom full of kids.
- Wait a second. (MUTTERING)
- What?
Hello. Hello.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
Carry the two, bro.
Okay, sorry, I was thinking out loud.
Yeah, I'll be right back! Zoom!
(PANTS, SNIFFS) Okay.
Oh yes. That should be enough.
(LAUGHS)
♪ Ooh yeah, we're getting Na-na-na ♪
♪ m*therf*cking quack duck's gonna
treat me right, smack my ass... ♪
- MIKE: It's a shame, huh?
- Oh! Jesus Christ!
Why's everybody keep sneaking up on me?
Shame about what?
Fluffy. We, uh...
we lost him last night.
- (CRYING) Oh no!
- I know.
Fluffy. No!
He joined the other
dependency group, KATHY.
Can you believe it? He joined KATHY!
Fluffy's not dead?
Oh no. Oh, 'cause he was
in the hospital? No, no, no.
He's totally fine. He...
he's totally fine.
- Oh, Jesus.
- He joined the competing rehab group,
Knowledge and Tutelage of Hound Youth.
- PHIL: Oh...
- MIKE: Yeah.
(COUGHING)
Hey, uh, are you okay?
I'll be honest. You're not
looking so hot these days, Phil.
Skittish. Erratic. Maybe we should
get a bite to eat sometime.
Just the two of us, you know?
Like it used to be.
- Mike, come on.
- Remember Vermont?
(WHISPERS) We agreed to never
talk about those times.
God dammit, Phil. why censor
ourselves when it feels so good?
It was all pre-Green Day!
It was a different life!
It was two seasons ago! The
dog park... it was a prison.
But it was our prison, and Vermont...
our salvation.
Gah. I mean, it's a good line, but...
- MIKE: Sounded good, huh?
- I can't, okay? Not now.
I hope you'll at least think about it.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
(PHIL SHIVERS) It's
freezing out here, dude.
Yeah, it is, dude. You got the money?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's all there.
Trust me. It'll be worth it.
God, Frisbee, you are so scary.
(LAUGHS) Can I just... I
know you're a student
and I'm a teacher, but like, I'm
f*cking freaked out by you, dude.
Yeah, I get that a lot, bro.
- PHIL: It's really cool.
- FRISBEE: Yeah, it's awesome.
Do you wanna hang out after this?
- FRISBEE: No!
- So sorry.
DOG: What's the password?
New England Clam Chowder.
DOG: Is that the red or the white?
Uhh... white?
(LOCK CLICKS)
PHIL: Like Ace Ventura, right?
- What?
- Ace Ventura.
It's like that scene in Ace
Ventura where he's going in...
Nah, I'm more of a Sandler man.
WATCH: I make-a the shoes!
Enjoy.
Buh-bye, dude.
(SLAMS)
(HESITANTLY) Um, I'm here for the, uh...
- Fill it out.
- Okay, thank you.
Meredith. If I peepee...
♪ ♪
Tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock...
- (BURPS) Phil?
- Yeah, hi.
- I'm Phil.
- Follow me.
(DOGS BARKING)
(PHIL WHISPERS) What the
f*ck is this place?
- (LAUGHING)
- (PHIL GASPS)
Right in here, wait for
the experience to begin.
I can't... I can't see any...
can you turn the lights on? I mean...
(LIGHTS HUMMING)
♪ ♪
Meredith?
FEMALE (OVER SPEAKER):
You're such a good boy, Phil.
It's me, Meredith, your owner.
Don't you like my brown hair?
Oh!
♪ Oh, death ♪
- (LAUGHS) Meredith!
- ♪ You hinder me ♪
- I missed you so much!
- ♪ You decimate those dear to me ♪
♪ Tease me with your sweet relief ♪
♪ You are cruel, and you are constant ♪
♪ Oh... death ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪
- (BUZZER SOUNDS)
FEMALE (ON SPEAKER):
Okay, your time is up.
- Get out! Reset!
- PHIL: What?
No, no, no! But I'm not done!
No! Let me in! Let me back in!
Oh, okay. I need more money.
I need more money!
(PANTING)
♪ He's so in love,
he think it's a spell ♪
♪ There's... to magic
and he cannot tell ♪
♪ He buckled my boohah,
my p*ssy is spell ♪
♪ ...a special guy ...a jail ♪
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
So basically, just wait for
the lipstick to come out,
jump on, start hammering,
and that's sex ed, all right?
Any questions, guys?
Uh, Mr. McManus,
this is a history class.
Look, Chi Chi, sweetheart.
I'm a gym teacher, all right?
I got scrambled eggs for brains.
H, everybody!
- It's me, Mr. Phil, your teacher!
- (DOG GASPS) Oh sh*t.
Newsflash! I need, um, actually
more money for the field trip,
so everybody empty out your wallets,
empty out your little
purses and whatever.
I need more money now!
What happened to the money we gave you?
Ooh, farts! Chi Chi,
I spent all the money
at the Quack Market,
- and now I need more. Okay, dum-dums?
- (STUDENTS GASP)
What are you looking at, McManus,
you sand-for-brain mongrel?
Now that was too far, Phil!
The principal has briefed
you on my issues.
You've seen my file. You know damn well
I have scrambled eggs for brains!
- Aw, phooey!
- That'll be enough, Mr. Matarese!
My office, now!
- (STUDENTS WHISPERING)
- So, I'm the bad guy, huh?
(FARTS)
The big bad wolf, huh?
You're all useless.
- Especially you, McManus!
- MIKE: All right.
Dress like a grown dog
for once with your snap-offs!
You're not a Spice Girl!
It's better than wearing a Union
Jack glittery dress like Ginger
or a little crop top like Baby.
I'm a gym teacher.
What do you want from me?
(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)
RINGO: Doin' that damn thing!
Are you so happy that you embarrassed
me in front of the classroom?
MIKE: Jesus Christ! You
embarrassed yourself.
Look at you! You're drooling all over!
That's 'cause I had a Sour Patch
Kid on the way over here.
- MIKE: Good Lord.
- Let me ask you a question, Mike.
What's that?
Why'd you get me this teaching gig, huh?
'Cause you're obsessed with me?
Or because you felt bad for me?
Oh, you're so perfect with your
big beard and your cool sweaters.
Yeah, I got a question too. Why
you wearing a turtleneck huh?
'Cause it looks cool.
- Lemme see!
- Get off!
Let me see what's under the turtleneck!
A spiked collar. Take it off right now!
That's it, Mike, tug harder!
I like it, Mikey! Don't you see?
(CRYING) I like it!
(SOBS) I'm a piece of sh*t.
- (CLATTERS)
- I'm a f*cking piece of sh*t!
- Get the f*ck off me!
- (CUFFS CLICK)
Hey, hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You took from the pups, Philly,
the pups we're here to help.
(SIGHS, SNIFFLES)
(STUDENTS LAUGH)
SAMMY: Hey, come on, smile, Mr.
Matarese.
I think before I can work on these kids,
I gotta spend time working on me.
You'll have my resignation
letter tomorrow.
I'm just gonna grab my things from
the classroom if that's okay.
Of course.
Hey, Mike.
I was thinking about your offer.
I'd love to grab a bite to eat
sometime if you'd still be open to it.
I'd like that.
So what are you getting, like a wrap?
Oh my God, the paninis are
so good at Au Bon Pain.
- PHIL: Dude.
- Have you had the...
I meant like in a month or something,
after I go to rehab.
I didn't mean right now.
- (MIKE LAUGHS) That makes more sense.
- All right, I'll see you.
Okay. I am definitely am gonna
order something, though, Phil.
Sorry, I'm just saying.
Do you want anything to go?
- PHIL: No, I'm good.
- MIKE: All right, just thought I'd ask.
- Tim, do you want anything?
- Oh. Thanks for including me.
- Yeah. Do you want any... anything?
- TIM: Very nice.
Uh, yeah, I'll take
some kind of rice bowl?
- MIKE: Sure.
- TIM: I love Thai.
Oh my God, I could totally do Thai too.
- TIM: Right?
- MIKE: Okay, let's do Thai.
- PHIL: Wait.
- MIKE: What's up?
I mean, like, now that you're
talking about Thai...
- MIKE: Let's do Thai!
- PHIL: Let's do Thai.
- TIM: Let's do family style.
- PHIL: Yeah, family style.
Can you take these off of me?
- TIM: Oh yeah.
- Am I under arrest?
No, no, no, you're not... I'm not
any kind of a officer of any type.
- MIKE: You're...
- PHIL: Wait, hold on.
You're... you're not an officer?
I'm not a... what do you mean?
What's happening?
- PHIL: So you're not a police officer?
- MIKE: All right.
Oh no, I'm sorry.
- You have a badge!
- I'm more of a security guard.
It's a whole different
level of training.
How much training is it?
- Not a whole lot. I gotta be honest.
- PHIL: Not a whole...
- Mike saluted you on / .
- I did.
I should've said something
when that happened.
MIKE: Yeah.
Oh, and I was pretending to
be a doctor a few days ago.
- I don't know if you guys noticed.
- Oh my God!
- Tim, that was you?
- Yes, I was the doctor.
That's gotta be illegal, Tim.
I shouldn't have done it, I know.
Let's just, uh... let's get
those rice bowls going.
- MIKE: Great! Let's do it.
- PHIL: Sure.
And because she had tearaway pants on,
she was prepared for anything
that life threw her way.
And that is why Sporty Spice
is the Beyoncé of the Spice Girls.
- All right, back to sex!
- (DOOR OPENS)
Excuse me. Hey, g*ng.
Sorry for interrupting, McManus,
and I'm sorry about before.
Hey, it's all right.
I don't even remember
what we were talking about anyway.
It's all Memento up here,
except I only have one tattoo.
Do you know what this means?
Man, it says, "I Heart Butts."
- MCMANUS: Oh!
- I just wanted to tell you guys,
I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore.
You've all been great students,
and I just... I let you down.
Hey, Mr. Matarese.
Oh, Chi Chi, raise your
hand for f*ck's sake.
- CHI CHI: Sorry.
- PHIL: Yes, Chi Chi?
You never did finish
your lesson about wolves.
Maybe another time, you know?
Well, we finished it for you.
What's that?
STUDENTS: ♪ Dogs, we're
independent for a reason ♪
♪ We're smart, proud K s
that can handle any season ♪
♪ They say we're man's best
friend, but forgot one fact ♪
♪ That dogs are like wolves,
and we need a pack ♪
(BEATBOXING)
- (STUDENTS CHEER)
- He's doing it! Go, Ringo, go! Go!
- Go, Ringo! Go, Ringo!
- (WHOOPS)
- Go, Ringo!
- RINGO: Mr. Matarese!
Dogs should be independent
from owners, no question.
Mr. Matarese, you forgot one thing.
Dogs are meant to roll in packs.
Dogs don't need humans anymore,
but we do need each other.
- Back to the pack.
- STUDENTS: Adda-boom-bap!
Okay, okay, now let me try.
♪ The thing about being
a dog that you... ♪
Oh jeez!
- (FARTS)
- Oh no! My pants.
- (STUDENTS LAUGH)
- CHI CHI: McManus!
- PHIL: McManus!
- CHI CHI: God, he's dumb.
PHIL: Oh, get in, everybody.
Get in here.
- CHI CHI: We love you, Mr. Matarese.
- RINGO: Matarese.
What does this even mean?
♪ ♪
I, Linda, have never eaten here before.
All I need is a waiter.
Excuse me! Waiter!
Um, is there a waiter nearby?
Can I get a waiter over here, please?
(CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERS) Somebody
step out as the waiter.
May I take your order?
(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)
(RINGO LAUGHS) "May I take your order?"
It's stupid, Mr. Matarese.
That's comedy! That's comedy!
That happens in restaurants!
NURSE: That's funny stuff!
I'm not sh1tting, that's funny!
Hey, it's me, the waiter.
Can I get you guys anything?
(LAUGHS) Remember? Phil in the show?
That was f*cking hysterical!
(LAUGHS) It's called improv.
And it's definitely a little scary,
but it relies on your ability to trust
your partners and those around you.
Oh, like the lesson from class!
Like the wolf lesson,
that's right. We're a pack!
GROUP: Adda-boom-bap!
Yeah, yeah, sick.
Hey, uh, Phil, what's
that there in your pasta?
- (TINKS)
- (GASPS)
CHI CHI: It's a ring, bitch!
♪ ♪
FRISBEE: I guess some of you may know
I used to sell collars,
but since Mr. Matarese over here
- hooked me up with HODA...
- (CROWD CHEERS)
...I met God and she said,
"You should be a minister."
That's right, I said, "She."
ALL: Whoa!
So, the only collar
I wear now is this one.
Anyway, you're married!
- PHIL AND MIKE: We do.
- FRISBEE: Mazel tov.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- (CROWD CHEERING)
CHI CHI: It's gonna get crazy in here!
All right, everybody! I got
cotton swabs dipped in molly!
- Who's up? Whoa!
- FLUFFY: You crazy, girl.
I am hot for my Fluffy!
I thought weddings were
boring, but this is fun.
- That's right! God's a chick!
- (CROWD CHEERS)
♪ ♪
♪ Just around the curtained door ♪
♪ No, it ain't no competition ♪
♪ Just wait... ♪
HUMAN MIKE: The girl
dog in A Goofy Movie,
she was a woman, she was a dog woman.
And honestly, she was...
She was a girl with a brown
dot in the middle of her face.
She looked like a human with a brown
dot in the middle of her face.
Pauly Shore was in that movie too.
He had Pluto. That whole issue too,
of them being dogs...
Pluto! Goofy, Pluto, where is the line?
I've... yup, I totally hear ya.
- He's asleep, wasn't he?
- He might be asleep.
- That's interesting.
- f*cked up.
No, no, let's focus up on this,
and let's... let's go ahead
and mull that over.
♪ This paralyzing thunder in my life ♪
♪ But I know it's not right to fall ♪
♪ If you cannot find a reason ♪
♪ There is always next season ♪
- ♪ Ooh yeah, we're getting... ♪
- ♪ High tonight ♪
♪ m*therf*cking quack ducks gonna... ♪
- ♪ Treat me right ♪
- ♪ Smack my ass ♪
♪
03x02 - Dogs
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.