02x09 - The Union of the Wizard & the Warrior

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Vice Principals". Aired July 2016 - November 2017.
"Vice Principals" tells the story of a high school and the people who almost run it: the vice principals.
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02x09 - The Union of the Wizard & the Warrior

Post by bunniefuu »

What a year it's been, North Jackson.

Lots of ups and downs,
but we've all made it.

Those of you who screwed up,
I'll see you in summer school.

To the rest of you, see you next year

and have a wonderful summer.

But, before you're dismissed, I want
to give a shout out to a special kid.

Robin Shandrell. You did good this year.

He's been through a lot,
but he's muscled through

and managed to make straight
"A's" this last six weeks.

Real proud of you, bud.
If you see him around today,

give Robin Shandrell a big round
of applause. He's earned it.

You've made a big impact on me,

and I hope I've done the same for you.

This is your interim acting principal,

Neal Gamby, signing off.

Have a great summer, Tigers!

To the end.


Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!
That's the one! That's it!

Belinda Brown.
I brought something for you.

Okay, Jesus. Oh, Lord Jesus.

This is your pump.

- You've got to be f*cking kidding me.
- Uh...

I'm... I'm really loving
your new digs, B.

You work in the private sector now, huh?

You're g*dd*mn right,

but I don't need bitch-asses
like you f*cking up my campus.

- I'm calling security.
- Please don't. Don't.

I don't mean any harm. I swear,
I'm just here to apologize.

Bullshit. You sh*t Gamby down,

and now you've come
for me too. Is that it?

I didn't sh**t him, Belinda.

I know why he thinks it's me.

It makes sense. I have a
record of f*cking people over,

and I'm sorry.

But I've paid the price for it, Belinda.

Why are you telling me like I care?

I just need somebody
to help clear my name.

I have no other option.

All I have is my word,

and you know that
that doesn't mean shit.

Look at your sorry ass.

Get off my campus,

and be glad I didn't punch you
in your f*ck face.

Good morning, sweet baby.

And just like that...

they're gone!


- Congratulations, everyone!
- Woo-hoo-hoo!

- Happy summer!
- Happy summer!

So, what's this mean, Gamby?

You gonna be the man next year?
You gonna run this school?

Well, Superintendent Haas did
get your recommendations,

and I told him I was
more than willing to stand in,

but they haven't made
their choice just yet.

Hey, look at him. Just think,
we don't have to sit through

- one more Russell speech ever again.
- Mm-hmm.

Whoo. Or those awful jokes he would tell

and then he would laugh
at his own punchlines.

You know, I heard he was planning on

wearing a Korean robe to graduation.

- No.
- Oh, did you hear that, Amanda?

- That's what you heard?
- Yup.

Sounds made up to me.

Sounds to me like you're showing
off for your big-dick boyfriend.

- Right, guys?
- Come on, Jen, don't be like this.

Why don't you guys just go
straight to your house

and just talk about,
ooh, this so-called "robe."

Fine. We'll talk about Lee
Russell and his made-up robe.

Yeah. Talk about Lee Russell all night.

f*cking laugh and whisper
till the sun comes up.

- We'll just talk about...
- Lee Russell.

Yeah, talk about... Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee.

Okay, guys! Can we please stop
talking about f*ck' Lee Russell!

Please, enjoy the meal, everyone.

Happy summer to everyone.

God! You f*ck!

Damn! Somebody eat
all the f*cking mac and cheese?

That shit goes first, man.

You sad as f*ck
that Mr. Russell is gone.

Y'all have feelings for each other.

It's got to go somewhere, right?

I'm getting more crab.

That crab ain't gonna
help you feel better.

- Hey, Ms. Swift.
- Hey.

Mr. Gamby, there's... there's
a man here to see you.

He says he's with a tiger.

- A f*cking tiger?
- God damn it, Swift.

Every time you come around,
something annoying happens.

My best bet's gonna be in here,

keeping the animal in an area

that can be isolated and controlled

in the unlikely event that the
creature's set loose.

Now, I have no f*cking
idea how something

like that would ever f*cking happen,

but I gotta dot my "I's."

Okay, well, we're not gonna need

a live tiger for graduation.

That was ordered by the old principal.

He was a man obsessed with showboating.

Yeah, I don't give a shit.
Tiger comes, tiger goes.

I still get my 25 large.

25 f*cking grand?
That's how much he spent?

- You bet.
- Tiger stays.


♪ Free bottle, don't you waste it ♪

So, Gamby says you're a writer.

Oh god, no, I'm not a writer.

I mean, I gave it a go, but hm-mmm.

You should write Nicholas Sparks books.

- She rips right through them.
- Hey, whose bright idea was it

to make the grad party coed

I just told Janelle she
could invite all her friends.

- It's a really big deal for them.
- ight. Well, who's that one little jackass

that keeps bouncing around by her?

- That's Colin.
- He may be her boyfriend.

She's been liking a lot of his Twitters.

- I think he looks cute.
- He is cute.

Yeah, real cute, trying to 69
my daughter's brains out.

- Neal! Jesus!
- Jesus Christ.

I'm about to throw that
little f*ck outta here.

- Colin is gone.
- Whoa! No, you're not.

- Yup, yup.
- Nope, nope, nope. Relax, relax, relax.

Please, just let them have fun.

Settle down.

- Want a cookie?
- No.

That's a g*dd*mn miracle.

- What?
- He listens to you.

- "He listens to you."
- Ooh.

♪ Red eyes ♪

- Are you okay?
- Hmm?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, feel good.

My daughter's graduating middle school.

I finally got the girl.
I got the job of my dreams.

- Stoked.
- Oh, yeah?

You don't look stoked.

Come on, what's wrong?

I just can't shake the idea
that Lee betrayed me.

You know? I thought
we were real friends.

I know. It's crazy,

but you can't let him
bring you down anymore.

Try and move on, try and
get him out of your head.

Besides, you have
a graduation to orchestrate.

- That is pretty cool.
- Very cool.

Not just anybody
can orchestrate a graduation.

- Mm-mmm.
- That's a job for a principal.

All right, think. Just think.

Think there, Russell. Think. You're
the smartest person I know, Lee.

You're the smartest person I know.

You've always been smart.

Who framed you? Someone outsmarted you.

Who did it? Think, think,
think, think, think.

Think, think. Just think.

f*cking think! Think! Think!

Calm down.

Think. Someone put the mask in your car.

The mask. The mask. It was in the trunk.
It was in the trunk of your car.

They put the mask
in the trunk of your...

- Open the window...
- My ex-wife's car.

What the hell are you doing here?

You put it in the trunk.


Jen, what the hell are you doing here?

Just wanted to bring by some
things that you left at my house.

I didn't leave anything at your house.

Really? Then what are these?

Those are not my panties. Those
are little boys' underwear.

Fine. Who cares?

Are you okay?

When you left me last semester,
it f*cked up my head.

But then I got you back and
then I felt at peace again,

but now, all this stuff, all this...

uck, you and Snodgrass,

and I'm f*cked in my head again.
And the only thing

that's gonna fix that is if
me and you get married.

Okay, well, we're not
gonna get married, Jen, okay?

And I'm very sorry for f*cking
you inside of your head.

I didn't mean to do that. Look,
this year has been very tough.

I've done a lot of shit
that I've regretted,

and hurting you
is definitely one of 'em.

Can I just go in your house and
use the bathroom for a minute?

Oh yeah, of course you can.
I gotta get ready for graduation.

Thanks. I'm not gonna shit, though.
I just wanna go in for a second.

Even if you do make a poop, just
flush it, make sure it goes away.

Thanks, Neal.

That's sweet.

I'll just see how it goes in there.

- Russell.
- No, sir.

- Get the f*ck outta here.
- I know. I know. I know...

- you said you never wanna see me again.
- You're d*ad to me.

- Leave.
- Just listen to me!

I know that you don't believe a
word that comes out of my mouth,

but I didn't sh**t you, Gamby.

- It was...
- Russell.


You crazy f*cking bitch.
You did it, didn't you?

- What the f*ck is going on here?
- Didn't you?

Admit it. Yes, you did it.

That little smile on your f*cking face.

You put the mask in my car, didn't you?

You were jealous of mine and
Gamby's relationship. Just say it.

Abbott is your sh**t, Gamby.

This crazy bitch, she sh*t you that...

God damn it!


- Jen, what the f*ck?
- You hurt me, Gamby,

and when people hurt me,
I get really, really sad.

- You k*lled Russell!
- Yes, I know! I f*cking hated him.

Duh! Okay? And now I'm
gonna k*ll you and me.

- Oh, no, no!
- I can't do another fall semester, Gamby.

- I just f*cking can't.
- Oh, f*ck! Jen, no!

- You picked the wrong bitch.
- No! God! Stop!

Okay, look, you want to do a
m*rder-combo-death-su1c1de thing, fine.

That's okay. I've done
some terrible stuff this year.

Maybe me being d*ad is
what's supposed to happen,

but not here, not next to Russell.

- I mean, that's gross, right?
- That is gross.

I have a special place, Jen.
It's beautiful.

It's... it's the perfect place for two
lovers to commit su1c1de together.

- It's beautiful?
- Yeah, it's so awesome.

Okay, take me to it.

There'll be no... no hums.

Here we are. This is my special place.

It's incredible, right?

Yeah, it's beautiful.

What are you doing?

I'm getting down on bended knee for you.

- Shit!
- You liar!

God damn it!

- Oh, Christ.
- Ow! f*ck!

Gamby, you assh*le!
I'm gonna go to graduation,

- and I'm gonna f*cking k*ll Snodgrass.
- Don't you dare.

I'm doing it, so see ya.

Have fun dying in a f*cking hole.

You f*cking dumb bitch! You're crazy!

I know I'm crazy,
'cause I f*cking love you!

Help! Help!


- Help!
- Gamby?

- Russell!
- Gamby!

- Russell!
- Where are you?

I'm in the bottom of a f*cking hole!

Well, I don't know
where the f*cking hole is!

Just follow my voice! Marco!

- Marco!
- Oh, my God.

I'm so glad you're not d*ad.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad you're not d*ad.

Jen's gonna k*ll Amanda.
We have to get to graduation.

- Say you're sorry.
- For what?

For not believing in our friendship.

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry I didn't believe
in our friendship.

- It was mean.
- Okay, it was mean.

Now will you get the f*cking
ladder and get me out of here?

And stop telling me what to do.

The ladder's in my tool shed!

It's in my tool shed
above my computer printers!

Thank you.

One, two, three. Say, "Cheese."


That's crazy, seeing it up close.

At least she ain't dangerous.

What? She's a f*cking tiger.

Dangerous? Huh?

Now, don't get it riled up now.

Don't you look at me.
Don't you f*cking look at me.

What the hell is wrong?
Chill with that shit.

Oh, hey, bro. This tiger will
eat your f*cking face off.

That's why we keep her in a cage.

You do that shit one more
time, I'm hauling ass

and leaving all y'all
f*ck up in here.

Remember, we want clothes
underneath those gowns.

All right? No butts, Dave.

- Smile. Big...
- Big smiles. This is an exciting day.

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

- Stupid. Break a leg, everybody!
- No beach balls.

- Break a leg! Mm-hmm.
- Hold this a sec.


- Hey. Hey, whoa, Jen.
- When did we stop being friends?

Was it when you f*cked Bill Hayden
when you knew I had feelings for him?

I didn't know that you liked him.

Or was it when you f*cked Neal Gamby

when you knew that he and I
were meant to be together?

- Please help me remember.
- I don't really know what's going on.

I'll tell you what's happening.
I'm about to make the news, bitch.

- No, let's not.
- Snodgrass and Abbott,

rivals since the year began.

Oh, God!

- You bitch!
- Get the f*ck off of me!

I'm gonna ruin that pretty
little face of yours.

- Shit. Shit.
- It's okay. It's okay.

f*ck. There's Abbott's car,
illegally parked.

Maybe we should make it
so she can't use it to get away.

- Good idea. Hold on.
- Oh, no.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Well, I just meant

maybe we should slash her tires
or something, but this is good.

You little f*cking mermaid.



A diagnosis like that
could've been career-ending.

It could've sent my family
into a tailspin.

That tiger does not look happy.

I don't know why y'all trying
to put some shit in a cage.

Whose idea was this, anyway?

- What the f*ck?
- Oh, my God.

Holy smokes! God, are you okay?

- Neal!
- Oh, my God. f*ck!

I thought you were gonna be m*rder.

- Oh!
- Oh, f*ck. I'm so happy to see you.

- You too. Oh.
- Blood.

Russell wasn't the sh**t.
It was Abbott.

She just tried to k*ll me.

- Yeah, she tried to k*ll us too.
- I told you she was crazy.

Lady, what the f*ck?

- Don't do that!
- If I can't have a beautiful life,

at least I'll have a beautiful death.

No, no, no.

f*cking eat me!

Oh, shit. Here it go.

Stay perfectly still. If you
run, this f*ck will chase you.

Eat me!

Oh! Oh! Oh!


How's this? Oh, do it. Come on!

You open this f*cking door!

Come on!

Close it! Close the thing! Oh!

- What the f*ck are we gonna do, Gamby?
- We're clear!

f*ck this shit. I'm going home.

Neal! Let me out of here!

- Crazy bitch!
- What do we do about

- all those people in graduation?
- Oh, God.

Safety's always foremost
in the mind of a principal.

Minimizing loss and injury
should be the first goal.

We evacuate.

...for my young son, my wife,

but I refused to give in.

I worked too damn hard to let
this disease cut my time short,

I knew I had to fight. I...

- I knew that...
- Back up, back up. Back up, please.

Everyone please remain calm.

Faculty members,
if you would all please rise,

and please get into the assigned
positions for a Code Orange.

This is not a drill.
There has been an incident.

Students, please. Stay calm. Sit down.

I didn't say... no!
Don't tell people to stand.

That is not what we do in a Code Orange!
What the f*ck, Delores?

Who the hell do you think you are,
messing up my son's graduation?

Oh, okay, you know what?
This isn't really

a question-answer thing right now,

because this is a serious situation.

But if you must know, a woman that
I had secret sexual relations with

pretty much the whole entire
school year tried to m*rder me.

She sh*t me at the end of last semester,

then returned to finish me off here,

and also tried to k*ll my very
dear friend, Lee Russell,

and my new girlfriend, Amanda Snodgrass.

- Hey.
- Hey, baby.

And the woman also let out the tiger

that many of you
were taking pictures with,

and he ate a person.

Uh, uh, relax, it's okay.
The situation is under control,

and the tiger is contained,
so we're good.

All we have to do now is evacuate
safely and make sure nobody gets hurt.

We're gonna use these side doors,

because out those doors,
the carnivorous creature roams.

Without further ado, as the acting

principal of North Jackson High School,

it is with great honor that I begin

the evacuation of this graduation.

Man, that tiger ate the shit
out of that trainer.

Yeah, I got EMT and Animal
Control on the way.

Crisis averted! Ah!

It seems like we got
everybody out of the school.

You gonna put me in a cage,
you blonde bitch?

Oh, will you shut the f*ck up?

Oh, damn.

She hit that button.

- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did.

Here she comes!

She's gonna eat your f*cking face off.

- What are we running for?
- What?

- I can end this right here.
- Yes, sh**t his ass.

- You want some?
- No.

- Yes.
- Not like that.

- Put the g*n down.
- Oh. What the f*ck are you doing?

Shh. I'm harmonizing.

With the tiger?

Learning that the truth
can set a man free.

I'm mastering myself,

becoming one with the world around me.

I've already defied death once today.

I will do it again.

Just relax, brother.

I, too, have been where you are.

Stand down.

- Oh, shit!
- Yes!

The f*cking tiger's eating Russell!

g*dd*mn battle cat's loose in the school!

Run! Get the f*ck outta here!



Oh, my God. f*ck.

Shithead got a piece of me.

Don't move, okay?

Uh, just... just save your energy.

I can't believe I got ate by a tiger.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- It's insane.
- Oh, I can see it now.

"A principal gets eaten
by a f*cking tiger,

a mascot of the school."

I always wanted press,
but god, this is so stupid.

Shh, shh, shh. Just save your energy.
Don't talk, okay?

Well, if I die right now, Gamby,

I sure as hell don't wanna
be staring at you just silently.

Okay, that's fair enough.

This is the favorite year of...

of my whole life.

- Mine too.
- I know what we did was wrong,

but... I liked it.

It was fun.

- Yeah, it was fun.
- Yeah.

It gave us a chance
to get to know each other.

Let us become friends.

Never had a friend
like you before, Russell.

I love you, Gamby.

You're my friend too, man.

You f*cking what?

Come on, man.
Just... just f*cking say it.

Honestly we're here, just say it.

Say what? I told you that
you're my friend too.

Oh, I just told you
that I f*cking love you.

Okay, I heard you. I just don't
say that to my male friends.

I only say that to superhot
babes and to my family.

Jesus. I'm about to die, f*ck.

- You're not gonna die, Russell.
- I am.

I'm gonna f*cking bleed out on
this stupid f*cking school floor.

Okay, fine, fine.

Say it.

- I...
- Hey.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now... just... say it.

I love you, Russell.

One more time.

I love you.

I love you too, Gamby.

Oh. She's back.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- I f*cking hate tigers.

Buddy, just go, just get
out of here. Honestly.

Just save yourself, okay?

No, Russell. I'm not gonna
leave you in here by yourself.

f*ck this $25,000 tiger.

f*cking cock-sucking f*cking tiger.

You're gonna eat my f*cking friend?

Well, bitch...

f*ck you!


- Don't be nervous.
- I'm not.

High school is very intimidating, okay?

But you'll get used to it.
You'll learn to survive

and then you'll leave. That's
how life works, sweetheart.

- I know. I'm excited.
- Well, watch that as well.

You don't wanna go in here
with super-high expectations

then you shit the bed and don't like it,

because it's not like a teen movie.

- It's real life. It's tough.
- Wish you still worked here.

You'll be in good hands.

Shamrocks. What a lame mascot.

- I love you, sweetheart.
- I love you too.

- Good luck.
- Good luck with your first day, too.


Hey, how's it going?

Neal Gamby. I'm the new principal.

- Yoo-hoo. Am I in the wrong office?
- Oh! No.

Sorry. No, this is your office.
I'm Vice Principal Miggs.

I just was seeing what it was like
to sit in this chair, you know?

Yeah, no reason to apologize.

Pleasure to meet you. Why don't
you hop on out of there?

Oh. Yes, sir.

So, Vice Principal Miggs, huh?

- Yes.
- Well, I'm Neal Gamby.

- Hello.
- So,

what's the story
with the old principal here?

He was a bit of a banana, so we're
very happy to see you, sir.


Do you mind if I sh**t you straight
right out of the gate?


I'm the new sheriff in town,
and you're my deputy,

and if we want this school
to function properly,

well, we're gonna have
to work together as a team.


Now, I'm not really sure
what your ambitions are,

but from the looks of it,
I can imagine they

probably have something
to do with this chair.

And that's cool. I understand that.

But for now, this is my chair.

This throne belongs to me,
and if you choose to defy me,

I'll feed you to the f*cking sharks.

Do I make myself clear?

- Loud and clear, boss.
- Now, if you just give me a moment

to set some things up, we can begin.

Yes, sir.

The door... open or closed?


You look so good in this, girl. Enjoy.

I'm gonna go have a smoke.

- Oh. You so crazy.
- What are you talking about?

Well, you take damn four
bathroom breaks an hour.

Now you're gonna throw in
smoking breaks too?

No, hell you're not, little girl.

Get your ass back behind this register.

- Excuse me?
- Excuse me.

I am the regional manager
of all Apricot Lane Boutiques.

Above you. Now, you
wanna start something?

Create a little commotion right now?

I will make your ass straight
disappear, just vaporize...

you and that 30% discount
you get on all your clothes.

Say something, it's gone.
All of it, gone.


Now cover me. I'm gonna go have a smoke.

"The wizard marched out of his kingdom.

"Not the one he desired,
but the one he earned.

"And the warrior,
finding peace within himself

"finally found the treasure
he was searching for.

"The kingdom was lost,
but across galaxies

"and across dimensions,

"a friendship was forged
between good and evil,

"the likes of which this land
had never seen...

nor would see again."

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- No, way.
- I think they thought...

that the book was awesome.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- God, I hope so.
- The cover's not too bad.

I'm stoked that my dad is
coming to the next reading.

- Mmm, good.
- Are you nervous about meeting him?

- No.
- I think it'll be fun.

He's pretty laid back. Do you
know that he likes to get high?

He's a really nice guy.
He might come at you

pretty quick and hard...
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