03x07 - The Trial

[bunniefuu]

(SPY MUSIC INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

(MUSIC DISTORTING)

Are of, are of augment?

The are, the are, truth far
stoop from and, uh, you know.

If of... If off to of then to.

Mm. Harold and Maude.

(MUTTERS)

(CHEERY, DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNIFFS)

♪ ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

I... I just ate spoons.

Instead of cereal, I...

I ate... I ate spoons.

I just pooped way wrong.

Mike, I just pooped
way different, okay, dude?

Just insanely different!

We have to get out of this bunker!

I'm losin' my f*cking mind
in this bunker!

(SCREAMING, CRYING)

- Oh, look! (BABBLING)
- Huh?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

That's our Willy Wonka!

(WHISPERING): We get the labcoats.

They give us for gasoline.

We split it Shia-LaBeouf!

MIKE: But it's all scrambled!

(GRUNTING DISAGREEMENT)

- One time, me go wee-wee...
- MIKE: Yeah. Uh-huh.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Ear like, uh, scrambled?

Oh, no, no, no!

Give me seven doo-doos
and I can pee-pee!

BOTH: I can't wait for money!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- (BAGPIPES PLAYING DISCORDANTLY)

(LAUGHTER ECHOING)

(STATIC CRACKLES)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CLAMORING)

We're here live in what's been
dubbed the "trial of the century."

It is a complete shitshow out here.

And I'm Rachel Maddow.

Meh-meh-meh-meh! (SPUTTERING)

Poo-poo, pee-pee!

Okay, here we go. Five,
four, three, two...

- (NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- (SOLEDAD CONTINUES VOCALIZATIONS)

This is Soledad O'Brien, reporting live.

It's been two months since
animals all over New York City

were granted the ability

to communicate across species lines,

all thanks to the introduction

of Grand Communicator technology,

spearheaded by noted Grab Bagger Yumi.

Since its dramatic debut,

the animal world has been
abuzz with heated debates

over a host of interspecial issues.

But it all leads to this:

the most hotly contested
court case in history.

In just under hours,
we will know the verdict

of this controversial case
and report it live, here,

on the most trusted source
for news in the country,

the Facebook live stream of Salon.com.

Oh! I'm just getting news
that things are beginning.

- CAMERAMAN: And we're off.
- Damn it, I'm good.

Could you guys tell I'm drinking?

Can you tell? (BURPS)

(CROWD CLAMORING)

♪ ♪

(VOICE BREAKS): All rise...
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

All rise for the Honorable Judge
Mom from Malcolm in the Middle.

- Hello, hello, everyone. Thank you.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Without further ado, we will now begin
to answer the question of our time:

Who is better...

Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler?

(ELECTRIC ROCK GUITAR RIFF PLAYING)

Before we get this trial going,
a little housekeeping.

Malcolm, clean up your room!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Sorry, old habits.

I wanna be clear.

Neither Jim Carrey
nor Adam Sandler themselves

will be present during
these proceedings.

Don't be fooled. Those are just
two proxy rats with cutout masks.

- CROWD: Ah!
- (APPLAUSE)

We'll hear arguments in three stages.

Mr. Matarese, defending the career
of Jim Carrey will go first.

Thank you, Judge Mom
From Malcolm In The Middle.

And thank you all for being here today.

(SLURPING)

Objection, Your Honor.

He's clearly taking a sip
for dramatic effect.

- No I wasn't. I was thirsty!
- JUDGE: Overruled!

Well, drink faster. Take a quick sip.

- PHIL: Okay, fine! Okay, okay.
- Overruled!

Right at the top of the
trial there's an issue...

- You're the one who's making it an issue!
- Oh, my God.

- Enough!
- PHIL: Okay.

Pretty number, hmm?
I love the look of it.

Swoops, tough edges...
It's really something else.

Folks, Mr. Carrey here has plenty of
early career milestones I could list.

But is the year
when the dam restricting

Mr. Carrey's talents
to the masses finally gave way!

(GASPS, CHEERS)

MALE: All right! Ace
Ventura, I love it!

It was a cultural phenomenon.

Halloween costumes, toys,
lunch boxes, the hairstyle!

I mean, when entertainment
was in a mid-' s dust bowl,

one man had the guts to say,

"All righty, then. Let's have some fun."

- (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
- The g*dd*mn Mask.

Oh, yeah, that's one of my favorites.

It was hyperbolic. It was slapstick.

He had the ability to work within
the constraints of mid-' s CGI.

I mean, America saw the many shades of
Jim Carrey, and not just one shade.

Come on.

In one year, this man portrayed an
animals-rights activist, detective

and a Jekyll and Hyde-ian
man with a mask?

"Somebody stop me"?

No. Jim, keep going.

- MALE: Dumb and Dumber!
- JUDGE: Wow. Really?

Those three in the same year?

Okay, no, that's insane.

It was. Look it up! IMDb right now.

- Look it up!
- Holy sh*t, he's right.

Who wants hats, huh?

hat!

There you go!

This is great, thank you.

PHIL: In one year,
this man changed the world.

America had itself
a new bona fide leading man

who just so happened to be
the comedic genius of our time.

Thank you, that's my time.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- That means a lot.
- Dude, that was really good.

I practiced saying stuff before.

- You memorized that whole thing?
- I didn't memorize it,

but I had the beats in my head.

- Oh, like Curb?
- Yeah.

Defending the career of Adam Sandler,

Mr. Michael Luciano.

(SIGHS)

Well, I hate to say it, but
congratulations, Mr. Matarese. You win.

(CROWD GASPS)

You win .

Jim Carrey for sheezy wins .

But, jury, I implore you
to think of the whole career.

That's what this is all about.
Not a flash in the pan,

- but rather a three-decade-long simmer.
- (SIZZLING)

Mmm. I'm hungry, how about you?

- (MIKE LAUGHING)
- (CROWD LAUGHING)

Adam Richard Sandler was born
in Brooklyn, New York City,

a hometown kid with a knack
for cracking up the neighborhood

and harboring big dreams to boot.

Pairing laughs with
an incredible work ethic,

pretty soon early stand-up gigs
led to some impressive TV roles.

MIKE (IN CHILD'S VOICE): Little
Adam's gonna be on the TV?

Hey, mister, is he gonna be a star?

(IN NORMAL VOICE): That's
right, little sick kid.

- Adam is gonna be a star.
- CROWD: Aww!

- My God, that is just heartbreaking.
- PHIL: It's a f*cking balloon.

With his doo-diddly sounds
and ho-hum jingle-jangles,

Adam quickly became in demand
as a young ' s silly boy,

popping up in major studio gems like

Airheads and Coneheads.

Sounds like... Sounds like
he was a real bonehead!

(MALE COUGHS)

BAILIFF: Aah, snap. Overruled.

- Forget it. Sorry, I'm sorry.
- BAILIFF: That is embarrassing.

MIKE: But these smaller
roles were all leading

to Sandler's holy trifecta
of blooming adulthood.

Horses and horny teens,
I present to you,

Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy.

DOG: It really was three
phases of the man's life.

We grew as Sandler grew.

Throughout the ' s, one man
epitomized the generation linking

the hard outer-shell baby boomer

with silly, prank phone
calling Gen-Xers.

Maybe my client's career doesn't
come in a neat, little package.

Maybe Adam Sandler's
just a little messier.

Maybe he shows up to movie
premieres in gym shorts,

embodying the American dream,

making it while making
it look f*cking easy.

- CROWD: Ah!
- (CHEERING)

- (CLEARS THROAT) Take the hat off!
- Huh? Oh, my God.

- It's shameful.
- Oh, no.

- MIKE: Yes, dude!
- PHIL: f*ck.

(JABBERING MOCKINGLY)

Guys, I'm having so much fun.

I wanna see your best
Adam Sandler impressions

out in the hallway, okay?

- Thanks so much.
- CROWD (CHANTING): Adam! Adam!

I'm gonna take a recess
before the second round.

Do what you gotta do,
smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Adam! Adam! Adam!

♪ I just need your ♪

♪ Good vibrations ♪

♪ I've gotten so ill ♪

Matarese, you're overplaying your hand.

Marcia Clark, please, just can't we have

our mentor/men-tea times be
without the mentoring for once

and more about the tea?
What is this, jasmine?

Okay, just trying to introduce
some lawyer wisdom.

I mean, it's not like I'm Marcia
f*cking Clark or anything.

Aah, I'm k*lling myself
out there, Marcia!

I've never worked on anything
this hard in my life!

- Phil, it's okay.
- (PHIL SIGHS)

The most important part about
being a lawyer is just have fun!

- 'Cause a scene! Make a ruckus!
- f*ck yeah.

In a courtroom, you gotta
keep people on their toes.

- Keep 'em guessing.
- Wait. What do you mean, Marcia?

Oh, I don't know, like maybe...

- Snap! Snap!
- (FIRECRACKERS POPPING)

- Dance, Phil! Dance!
- Jesus! Marcia, stop!

Stop, stop. I get it, I get it.

Never let down your guard
when you're around me!

- Sack tap! Sack tap!
- PHIL: Ooh, f*ck! (GROANS)

And let that be a lesson to you.

- (GROANS) Thanks, Marcia.
- No problem, Phil.

You know, this reminds me
of an old law anecdote:

"The Cypress and the Frog."

- PHIL: I don't know it. Which one's that?
- That's a good one.

- PHIL: You wanna tell me?
- Yeah. I'll see ya next week.

- Marcia?
- (GLASS THUNKS)

Marcia Clark? Hmm.

SOLEDAD (VOICE-OVER): America's
favorite, Soledad O'Brien!

(SOLEDAD UTTERS VOCAL WARM-UP)

. Mike's imaginary little sick kid.

Some other sh*t.

These are just some of
the moments that have marked

the first round of arguments
between old friends

Phil Matarese and Mike Luciano.

Who will win this right now
is anyone's bet.

CAMERAMAN: And we're off.

- (SCATTERED CHEERS, HOOTS)
- f*cking nailed it again!

And I am so drunk right now.

(ELECTRIC ROCK GUITAR RIFF PLAYING)

That's actually me on guitar.

- Okay, okay. Everybody, we're back.
- (GAVEL POUNDS)

Do we have commercials on this show?

First up is, uh... Phil.

Thank you, Honorable Judge Mom
From Malcolm In The Middle.

Folks, I like to think of myself
as a pretty good lawyer,

but if we're talking about
father-son bonding, s...

Cable Guy!

- I'm sorry. What?
- Ladies and gentlemen of the court,

my opponent here is gonna
wax poetic about late-' s

divorce dynamics of Liar Liar.

And I can go on about
socioeconomic inequalities

tackled in Mr. Deeds.

We can spend the whole day
picking roses,

but we keep dancing around the thorns.

What are you doing?

We said we wouldn't bring up clunkers.

What's the matter?
Afraid of a little prick?

JUROR: Cable Guy was straight-up scary
I mean, it wasn't funny at all!

JUROR : We trusted you, Jim!

- We trusted you!
- MARCIA: Phil, Phil.

- Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!
- Oh, God. Is that Marcia Clark?

Aah, this is gonna be
a whole thing, this trial.

Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!

(QUIETLY): Marcia, I have
no idea what that means.

(QUIETLY): "The Cypress and the Frog."

- Remember?
- You never told me what that meant.

You know what? I'm
just gonna keep going.

It's fine. (BURPS)

Mr. Luciano's right.

The Cable Guy is not a normal
Jim Carrey movie by any stretch.

But taking chances
is what an artist does.

- Hit that motherfuckin' slide.
- (SLIDE CLICKS)

g*dd*mn it. What is
up with these clickers?

Thank you. I'm gonna do
a real quick experiment, okay?

I want everyone in the courtroom right
now to close their eyes, please.

(QUIETLY): This is great. Now
I'll steal all their wallets.

- No, Marcia, don't.
- f*ck you. Firecracker.

- JUDGE: What? Jesus Christ.
- (GAVEL POUNDS)

Marcia Clark! No firecrackers!

Sorry about that, guys. Close
your eyes and keep 'em closed.

Just trust me, okay?
Now, by a show of hands,

how many of you left the theater
after viewing The Truman Show

and thought to yourselves,

"What if I'm being Truman-ed right now?"

(PHIL LAUGHS)

Now open your eyes.

Every one of you with
your hand up right now...

- ...just took a risk and it paid off.
- MALE: I did it!

- He's right!
- Just as my client did with Cable Guy.

- Thank you so much.
- (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

I came out of that
movie with my daughter,

I didn't trust her for a week.

Come on, that argument
doesn't make any sense!

All right, screw it!
The gloves are coming off.

You wanna talk about Jim Carrey movies?

What the farts was The Majestic?

- I'll tell you, it was anything but!
- You wanna go down this road?

All righty, then! What about Spanglish?

Fun way to flop in two languages!

Number ? Yeah, like
the number of times

I tried to sit through that movie!

Click? Certainly didn't with audiences!

Oh, f*ck you! Yes Man?
How about, No, Mama,

I don't wanna see a
worse Liar Liar remake.

Nobody does!

They had the gall to call
that movie Grown Ups?

- JUDGE: Enough. Enough!
- MIKE: That was the joke!

Okay, enough! Quit bickering, you two!

You're reminding me of Frankie Muniz
and, uh, one of the other ones.

Hey, is he also on The Middle now?

It's just so weird that they made
another show called The Middle,

and it's exactly like
Malcolm in the Middle

but with Ray Romano's wife
instead of me,

and the janitor from Scrubs
instead of Bryan Cranston.

- MIKE: It's wild.
- JUDGE: It didn't do very well.

- Did it do well?
- Nine seasons.

- PHIL: Nine seasons, Tim?
- JUDGE: No, come on.

- No.
- There's no way.

- JUDGE: Nine seasons?
- BAILIFF: I know, right?

- It's been on for nine seasons.
- But Malcolm only did seven.

It's crazy. Talk about injustice.

All right, all right, all right.
That's it for this round.

(MUTTERS): The f*cking Middle.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Farts! He f*cked me, Marcia!
That was out of line!

Look, Mike may have stepped
out-of-bounds of what was right,

but he turned the tables on you.

Classic law maneuver.

That, of course,
and bring your opponent flowers.

And telling jokes to the jury,
they love that.

- (COUGHS)
- PHIL: Marcia?

Marcia? Marcia, what's wrong?
Marcia, come here!

It's just a tickle in my throat,
nothing to worry about.

(SIGHS) Marcia. When all this is
over, you and I are gonna have

our mentor/men-tea time in the
fanciest tea room in all the world.

BOTH: The American Girl Doll
store in New York City.

That'd be nice, Phil.

All right. I'm gonna go get a drink.
I gotta blow off some steam.

- See ya, Marcia.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Smoke b*mb!

What are you looking at, freshmen?

(PLAYING OFF-KEY)

(GLASS RIM SQUEAKING)

I'll take a beer shaken, please.
I don't like the bubbles.

I guess more than a few old
habits from law school die hard.

- Phil.
- Put it on my tab. Huh? I got it.

- BARTENDER: All right.
- Didn't expect to see you here.

Well, I needed to blow off some steam.

I was actually talking to him.

- You're talking to me? Oh.
- Yeah.

- Are you the bailiff...
- I am the bailiff.

- You are, okay.
- PHIL: Wow.

It's good to have
a lot of plates spinning.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you friends with the judge,
like, outside the court?

- Oh, yeah. Very close.
- I've always wondered that. You are?

Have you ever said, "Please be
seated" when you meant, "All rise"?

- No. No, that'd be ridiculous.
- That'd be so embarrassing.

'Cause everyone's sitting and then
it's like, "What do we do, lay down?"

All right, I'm gonna let you guys talk.

Please be seated.

Wow, remember law school?

I mean, I guess it was a master
class, but Gary Sinise taught us.

That's enough of the
f*cking pleasantries.

- (GRUNTS)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

Whoa. You hit a duck.

You were way out of line
with that Cable Guy sh*t.

You're running more of a smear campaign

than a g*dd*mn commercial for Jif!

Do you get it? Like smear,
like peanut butter,

and campaign, like an ad
campaign, like a commercial.

What's that? What are you doing?

Magic. I'm putting on a show, Philly.

That's what this is all about.
It's not personal, okay?

You don't even care about this!

Listen, I love Sandler, to death,

but I'm trying to win this trial for me,

so I can get famous, move to LA,

and play adult dodgeball
with the cast of Riverdale.

I don't even know who you
are anymore, Luciano!

- You gotta go, buddy.
- (PHIL SIGHS)

Come on, you're security now?

I am security. You gotta go.

All right, I'm taking a bottle.

Have a good third act, Mikey.

(QUACKS)

You know, you can put your
duckling through college

by suing that son of a bitch.

He doesn't even care about Adam Sandler!

(GULPS, COUGHS, GAGS)

I'm here because I truly believe
in Jim Carrey's career.

(COUGHS, SNIFFS)

And I don't even have a dad.

(COUGHS)

(MUMBLES, SNORES)

- (FARTS)
- (BOTTLE CLATTERS)

(SNORING)

- MIKE: Hello, Phil.
- (GASPS) Dad?

That's right. It's me, Dad.

You look a little down on your luck.

Thought I'd stop by and pay you a visit.

Wait, is this real?

Why do you look exactly like Mike?

I don't know, that's how you've
conjured it up in your head.

Oh! Dad, I've always wanted to ask you:

Neither of my balls dropped,

and I should be way past puberty by now,

and I'm just wondering...
Why are you holding a camera?

I love you so much, son.

- Wait. You're not a ghost?
- I love you so much, son.

- (SNICKERS, LAUGHING)
- Give me your phone, dude!

I thought I was having a vision!

- Stop! (SOBBING)
- "I love you so much!"

(SHRIEKING): I hate you!

(SCREAM ECHOING)

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(SQUAWKING)

♪ ♪

SOLEDAD: The trial of the century!

Jim Carrey versus Adam Sandler.

Ka-whoosh!

MIKE: Cable Guy.

PHIL: Neither of my balls dropped.

Malcolm, clean up your room!

SOLEDAD: Ka-whoosh!

- (SNORES, GASPS, MUMBLES)
- (GAVEL POUNDS)

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
final stretch.

Oh, my God. I passed out.

JUDGE: We will now hear
the closing arguments.

Mr. Matarese, when you are ready.

Where's Marcia?
Can I go to the bathroom?

I don't know.
Can you go to the bathroom?

- (CROWD LAUGHING)
- Fine! May I go to the bathroom, please?

Not on the itinerary, but we'll do it.

(PHIL WHIMPERING)

Wow, Phil. Serious drinking problem.

And a no dad problem? I mean,
what is next for this guy?

- He doesn't appreciate Lin-Manuel Miranda?
- (CROWD BOOS)

Probably. On his trajectory,
it makes sense.

- Mike, the floor is yours.
- Thank you, Your Highness.

(PANTING)

Oh, God. I gotta find Marcia!

Oh, f*ck. What am I gonna do?

Huh?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Come on, let's see the rest of it.

Yeah, you're right.

You can't judge an artist's
ouevre by just one part of it.

You need the full picture.

(CROWD GASPS)

But what if the artist stops making art?

Look, we all love Jim's early
work, but let's face it,

after a while,
you couldn't count on Carrey.

You couldn't count on Carrey.

(PANTING): I'm so tired of running.

Please be in your office, Marcia.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, f*ck.

The Wedding Singer,
The Waterboy, Little Nicky.

That, ladies and gentlemen,
is brand consistency.

Adam Sandler himself is an industry.

I don't care if you didn't
like Grown Ups.

That movie put David Spade's
niece through college!

Marcia, I need your help! I didn't prepare
for this closing argument at all,

and I'm super drunk still!
What? Oh, f*ck!

MIKE (IN CHILD'S VOICE): Did my
buddy Adam do good, Mr. Mike?

(CRYING)

(BALLOON SQUEAKING)

(IN NORMAL VOICE): Adam
done good, little sick kid.

Adam done good.

♪ Ooh... ♪

(SOBBING): Why, God?

Don't make the little sick kid
one of your newest angels, God!

- (POPS)
- (CHEERING)

Thank you. Thanks, guys.
Thanks so much. That was great.

- (GAVEL POUNDS)
- A lot of fun, thank you.

(LAUGHS) Wow. I mean,
how do you b*at that?

Is that son of a bitch
Matarese here or not?

Hey, hey! Sorry, Judge.
I'm back, I'm back.

- Closing arguments.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh, boy! I...

Times like this, I wish my balls
had dropped so my voice

- would be more commanding. f*ck!
- MARCIA: You can do it!

Like Rob Schneider in Waterboy.
"You can do it!"

- You're alive?
- Phil, you're doing terrible!

I thought you were dead!
There... There was a body bag!

Body bag?

That was a duffel bag,
filled with all my stuff.

I'm quitting the mentor game

- 'cause I sold my children's book.
- (FROG RIBBITS)

- But there were cops there!
- Cops always help me move.

When you're as famous a lawyer as I am,

I'm basically a veteran. At ease, boys.

Just concentrate on the case!

Remember, The Cypress and the Frog!

Marcia, you never told me the anecdote.

That's it. If you're not
gonna buy the book, I'm out.

You're officially on your own, Matarese.

FX paid better than this
f*cking bullshit.

I gotta start thinking
about me, myself, and I.

I gotta start thinking
about me, myself, and I.

Me, myself, Irene.

Hurricane Irene.
Terrible. Terrible hurricane.

was a horrible year.

Hey, do you wanna watch,
Me, Myself & Irene?

Oh, my God. That's it!

(PHIL CLEARS THROAT)

(CROWD GASPS)

Me, Myself & Irene?
This is a su1c1de mission!

In some ways, the oft-overlooked

Me, Myself & Irene is the perfect film.

He's f*cking crazy if
he thinks this is gonna work.

Now, hear me out on this.

Me, Myself & Irene is indicative
of our national splitting,

how we see ourselves, how we see others,

and how we and them wish to be seen.

- JUROR: Wait, what?
- For three decades,

Jim's given a voice to the
thing inside of us that said,

"Maybe I'm a little strange.
Maybe I'm a little weird.

"Maybe I'm a little nuts.

"But that's okay,

because that's what makes you, you."

Even now, as an adult, when I look
back at those classic Carrey pictures,

it puts me at ease. It makes me just...

- (BABBLING)
- (CROWD LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) That dumb
fuckboy's making me laugh.

Do it. Do it!

- No. No, no, no.
- Tim, Tim, do it.

- Not me.
- Come on, buddy.

(BABBLES) Get a little wacky.

- (BABBLING)
- PHIL: Yeah, right? Come on!

It's contagious because it's your truth.

Jim's not just a movie star.

He's an example of
how to live a deeply true life.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- But... But it sucks!
- (CROWD BOOS)

Me, Myself & Irene
was a bad movie, Phil!

Mike, I don't wanna fight anymore, dude.

I love Sandler, I do.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan.

Funny People was amazing.

Yeah. Funny People is great.

Judd Apatow followed Knocked Up
with a Sandler love letter,

and Judd Apatow only
mooches off of the best.

You're right, Mike. Judd Apatow
does only mooch off the best.

"He was the funniest man on earth.
This is something we can all agree on.

We can debate number two forever,
but Jim will always be the king."

Is it on BrainyQuotes?

No! It's been confirmed by BrainyQuotes!

PHIL: That'll be all from me. Thank you.

- Thank you so much.
- JUDGE: What a comeback!

Okay, that is the end of Act Three.

Jury, go into that room.

The fate of these
two stars is in your hands.

And also, whatever happens in a
jury room, stays in the jury room.

(LAUGHS)

- Have fun, go crazy. Really.
- JUROR: Ew, what?

♪ ♪

Psst! Hey. Can I be the judge now?

No.

- Do you have games on your phone?
- No, Marcia. Go sit down.

Aah! So boring!

(CHATTERING)

That's two cups.

That's two cups.
Never prepared for the bounce.

Drink, drink, drink!

Eternal Sunshine and Punch-Drunk Love

cancel each other out artistically,

so they didn't bring them up.

Yeah, I was wondering why
they didn't bring those up.

Yeah, that's why. Yeah.

Hey, Phil. Do you have a can of
Axe Body Spray and a lighter?

I saw this thing on YouTube.
It's f*cking crazy!

PHIL: No, no. Marcia, don't do that!

- (FLAMES ROAR)
- (CROWD SCREAMS)

PHIL: Sorry, sir.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

(BELL RINGS)

(CROWD MURMURING)

Ladies and gentlemen,
the verdict is in my hand.

Tim, was this in your mouth?
It smells like dog food.

Am I under oath?

It was. It was in my mouth, I'm sorry.

Dogs mouths are pretty clean, though.
That's a little known fact.

Sorry about that. Force of habit.

After a lengthy,
thinly plotted Rat Court trial,

the more impressive
comedic career goes to...

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

It's Sandler. Adam Sandler wins.

(ELECTRIC ROCK GUITAR RIFF PLAYING)

- Aah, f*ck!
- f*ck, yes!

I feel it in my balls, baby!

I feel the victory in my balls!

I'm sorry, Jim.

What do we got here? (FARTING)

Look at that, he's sh1tting in the hat.

sh*t hats for everybody! Woo!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Mike, Mike. Soledad O'Brien with
Salon.com Facebook live stream.

You won in the courtroom.
How does it feel?

(LAUGHING) Sorry, just being hilarious.

Those are my boys over there.

It's a great day for justice and
for people who love Adam Sandler,

which is, I think, all of us,
so America won today.

And to my opponent, Phil,
I would just like to say...

Suck my (BLEEPING)

...d*ck! (LAUGHS)

Send that Carrey m*therf*cker to jail!

Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!

Woo-hoo!

God, I guess I'm famous now?
Bella Hadid, hit me up.

Well, there you have it, folks,
a true winner.

Hey, is that Marcia Clark?
Is she mooning me?

- JUDGE: Hey, Soledad!
- BOTH: f*ck you!

(LAUGHING)

Now they're here. Now I wanna hang out.

Sorry. Can I actually say something?
I feel like I should be allowed to.

Legally, do I have to let him talk?

Fine, here. Here's the Mic.

- I'll be quick.
- All right. I'm out.

Hey, Marcia! Wait up, guys!

I just have to say
Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler

can both be American treasures
and they are.

They've both given so much joy
to so many people,

and, ultimately, isn't
that what it's all about?

And plus, by the way, Jim's from Canada,

so it's kind of not even an American
treasure sort of thing, that doesn't...

He's like Mike Myers, you know... Oh my!

Mike Myers would've been
so good for this!

I just realized Eddie Murphy
would've won this!

Okay, I'm starting to realize that this

whole exercise is actually pretty silly.

You know what? I think I'm gonna devote
my time to the greater good now,

maybe like inter-species rights
with the city,

away from all this glitz
and the glamour.

I think that's where I'll be happy.

- Sack tap!
- (GROANS)

CROWD (CHANTING):
Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!

FEMALE: Woo-hoo!

No, no, no, no! Why not Jim Carrey?


♪ In the beginning, a promise ♪

♪ To take a sh*t in the dark ♪

♪ A pledge to rising and to falling... ♪

- (MIKE LAUGHING)
- PHIL: Seven doo-doos...

BOTH: ...and I can pee-pee.

Seven doo-doos, and I can pee-pee!

PHIL: Yeah!

I can't wait to be rich!

I can't wait for money!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUING)

(SCREAMING)

♪ Keep reelin' back ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And though I try to revive it ♪

♪ Try to return to the start ♪

♪ Searching for us ♪

♪ In the basement ♪

♪ Sifting for us in the car ♪

♪ I have a hard time with leaving... ♪

(LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)