03x08 - The Democratic People's Republic of Kitty City

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Animals". Premiered February 5.
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.
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03x08 - The Democratic People's Republic of Kitty City

Post by bunniefuu »

(SPY THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

- Holy smokes, we fixed it.
- We did it.

Just to recap everything:
By plugging in this thumb drive,

we're committing an act of
treason against the government

in support of an extremist
organization, known as the Labcoats.

Who are the ones who are trying to foil

the U.S. government's plan
to nuke New York City,

thus saving all the animals,
which is a good thing.

They're also the extremist group

that k*lled all the humans
in the first place.

So, that's a bad thing?

That's pretty bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if we plug this in, the Labcoats
are gonna pay us $ million,

which we'll parlay into nice
one-bedrooms in Hackensack, New Jersey.

- Sick.
- BOTH: We're gonna do it.

You just gotta...
You just gotta turn it.

- Yeah. I got it, I got it.
- I never know which way to turn these.

I know. Having trouble finding the hole.
I've been there before.

- (SHOUTS)
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Did... Did we do it?

I don't know. Oh, check your phone.

Maybe they, like, Venmoed us
or something like that.

I don't have the Venmo app.

Did you call it "the Venmo app"?

- Whatever.
- What are you, ?

I just don't trust that stuff...
PayPal, Venmo, all that.

- Do you... Do you hear that?
- (MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)

- (PARTY HORNS BLARING)
- (ELECTRONIC CHIMING)

Whoa, dude. Whoa, dude!

- MIKE: What the...?
- Oh, sh*t, man!

- (SCREAMS)
- Oh, f*ck, Mikey!

- What's happening, dude?
- I don't know!

- (CHEERING)
- MAN: Yes!

Look at that, they did it.
They actually did it!

Three years in the bunker and
Phil and Mike finally treasoned.

(STAMMERING): Well...

That's gotta be a record for So
You Think You Won't Treason
.

sh*t, record.

I mean, I didn't actually
think they'd do it.

No, I knew you'd do it, boys.

I knew it all along. Congratulations!

- Thank you so much, sir.
- You f*cking pieces of sh*t!

- Copy that.
- Let's get you over here, if we can.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah.

- That's really good.
- Stand up straight!

What's... What's going on, buddy?

Right down the barrel if you can, okay?

Really smile, boys.

You have no idea what's ahead of you.

Oh, wow. Say "treason."

- Hi, America.
- Yeah, there you go.

- Say hi. And bye.
- I think we've done it.

Copy that. So we'll go with you guys?

- SAPPHIRE: Nope.
- Sounds good, copy that.

- Cool.
- So you guys are all in the business?

- That's cool.
- Cool.

We're writing stuff, so.

We definitely have some ideas,
if anybody's, like, interested.

It's an animated show, it's for kids.

There's sci-fi, and it stars Plonky.

Um...

- He's right over there, so.
- MIKE: Plonky!

So you guys saw everything
that we did this whole time?

Even the orange thing?

- He's nodding, so that was a yes.
- So the orange incident.

That's an affirmative
from the government.

They got the orange incident.

PHIL: All right, that's it.
That's all from me.

(STATIC CRACKLES)

Ladies and gentlemen of the court,

it's quite simple.

My opponent is a f*cking coward.

Let's dance, m*therf*cker.

(GROWLS)

I'll die for Jim Carrey, I will.

Also, I'm secretly in love with you.

- Get off me.
- I'm here with my wife, Sofía Vergara.


(GASPS, PANTING)

PHIL AND MIKE (CREEPILY): Nikolai...

- (g*nf*re)
- (NIKOLAI WHIMPERING)

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

EMPEROR PHIL: Where is he?

(g*nshots)

(EMPEROR PHIL SIGHS)

Well...

I suppose we lost him there.

Yeah, I don't see him anywhere.

I mean, we looked over there.

- We looked over there.
- We looked over there.

What about the closet?

No rat would be dumb enough

to hide in the closet though, would he?

(PHIL AND MIKE LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Sorry, I just got a case of the giggles.

They're half off at the store.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Good one!

I read it on a Popsicle.

(LAUGHS)

When did you...
When did you have a Popsicle?

Just earlier today.

I thought we were doing
the diet thing together.

Yeah, no, it was a Skinny Cow,

so it was under
the calories and everything.

- What the f*ck?
- What's wrong?

- I'm being serious.
- What happened?

What the f*ck, Emperor Mike?

- Emperor Phil...
- What the f*ck?

MIKE: What is going on?

You know where the ice cream is!

I don't know where
the ice cream is, Emperor Mike!

I haven't gotten my own food

- in, like, three f*cking years!
- Oh, my God.

I don't know where the
f*cking ice cream is.

- And you promised me!
- Okay.

You promised me that we would
go on this diet together!

- Come here.
- Don't f*cking touch me!

Emperor Phil, enter my embrace.

(PHIL EXHALES SHARPLY)

That's it.

- (INHALING)
- Take it easy. Breath in.

- (EXHALES)
- Let it out.

- PHIL: I'm sorry.
- MIKE: It's okay.

It's hot in here and I'm tired.

It's been a long day.
And this is what it's about.

- Communication.
- It's about communication.

How 'bout we put a pin in this

and catch the rat in the closet?

PHIL: Oh! We've been
dancing around it enough.

- (BOTH YOWL)
- (NIKOLAI SCREAMS)

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, this is delicious.

Emperor Phil, don't you
think this is delicious?

You know what it is? It's the fear.

The fear adds a certain taste
and I just love it.

Nikolai, you've really
outdone yourself this time.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Highnesses.

The Tofurky has been
coming out great recently.

But I was wondering,

the next time we play "cat chases rat,"

perhaps I could not be the rat?

PHIL: Nikolai!

You're breaking the fourth wall, buddy!

- Yeah, I know.
- You are the rat, so just be the rat.

See, Nikolai, it's a never-ending,
immersive experience.

Like VR headsets or someone
explaining the appeal of VR headsets.

Sure, but, um, your Highnesses...

Call us "Heinies."
It's shorter than "Highnesses."

Yes, yes, uh, your Heinies.

Perhaps, just in order to keep up
the whole immersive experience,

we could replace
Nikolai in a rat costume

with I don't know, like, an actual rat?

Yeah, as the real-life Mike
and the executive producer


of HBO's The Trial, it was
a bitch adapting it to TV.

(SNIFFS) Oh, my God. I'm so
f*cking nasally right now.

How closely was Phil
involved in the project?

- (SNIFFS) Who's that?
- Phil Matarese,

your opponent in the actual trial,

and according to Wikipedia,
your best friend.

(CHUCKLING) No, no, no.

Miles Teller's actually my best friend,

'cause I'm young Hollywood.
But Phil? No.

I haven't spoken to him
since I won the trial.

Are they superimposing Phil
on the screen right now?

Just make sure that
I'm taller, like in real life.

It's an open Hollywood secret
that Phil wears lifts.

- (g*nsh*t)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

BOTH: Get us those rats.

NIKOLAI: Yes, your Heinies.

♪ ♪

♪ You're such a mess ♪

Okay, so what can
I do for you two today?

We wanna get married,
but his parents won't let us.

Hey, young love is in the air.

Well, as long as you're both
of equitable age of consent,

that's fine. How old are you guys?

- I'm .
- Okay, and you?

(STOMPS)

Okay, uh, are you saying you're two?

(IN CHILD'S VOICE): This pigeon
lady's gonna be my mommy.

Ugh, God. Officer Tim, get
the bird handcuffs in here.

- (INTERCOM BUZZES)
- We got another one.

Oh, so Woody Allen gets
to keep making movies,

but a -year-old pigeon
can't date a toddler horse?

You just said you were .

- I look !
- HORSE: Stop fighting!

- TIM: Get-Get over here!
- PIGEON: You can't catch me!

Up and out the window. Why
do we leave the window open?

I'll find you, young horse!

(KNOCKING)

Hey, um, sorry, McManus
is actually here.

g*dd*mn it, get out of my way!

Matarese, walk with me.

You're up on cr*pple Creek
without a paddle, Matarese.

What are you talking about?
What happened?

You pulled rank on me, Matarese.

I know I may have sand for brains,

but I'm the midsize
animal labor union rep.

That means cats are my jurisdiction.

What are you talking about, cats?

Did we make contact with the DPRKC?

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Playing dumb, huh?

- Cute.
- Stop stroking my face.

The mayor's gonna have
your head on a silver platter,

just how I like my butler
to deliver my chicken nuggets.

And yeah, I have a butler,

and uh, yeah, she's also my mommy.

Bet you thought it was a dude, right?

Sexist pig!

Hi, everyone! Sorry we're late.

You know how it is, just talking.

You really screwed the pooch
on this one, Matarese.

Hey, come on. I'm right here.

If we want new New York to run smoothly,

we all gotta stay in our lane.

Can someone fill me in, please?

At hours,

we got the first-ever outbound
communications from DPRKC,

requesting you by name,
that's Phil Matarese,

to report to the palace of The Emperors.

They may have heard about my
Animals Peace Pact. If I can sit...

- (ALL GROAN)
- Jesus, the APP thing again.

Listen, Phil, we know
it's been a passion project.

But we can't consent to you going

into enemy territory
because of a letter.

It's not even notarized.

Didn't even notarize it?
It's a death march!

Who doesn't notarize?

You gotta "motorize" it.

My butler mom's got a motorized scooter.

- It's changed her life.
- Wow.

You know what I think? I think Matarese
here is still trying to make up

for losing his stupid f*cking trial!

- Yes.
- Totally agree.

He decided to circumvent
the chain of command

to get what he wanted... Fame, glory.

Well, I say go for it, Matarese.

Wait. Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

I hereby grant you
full travel permissions

into Unsanctioned Sector KS ,

also known as...

(IN DEMONIC VOICE): the Democratic
People's Republic of Kitty City!

I understand the risks and accept.

You two are in Orb's hands now.

Wait, what do you mean "you two"?

Jesus Christ, just tell Tom Holland

I'll meet him at Zumiez.

Trotts! I saw your set at the
Cellar the other night. So funny.

I had to follow Jeselnik, but
thank you, thank you. I do okay.

McManus! Lookin' thin, buddy.

Yeah. I've had diarrhea for a month.

Thank God I have hardwood floors.

- Mayor Jacob, always a pleasure.
- (CHUCKLES) Sick.

Okay. Well, clearly, The Emperors
of KC saw my various hosting gigs

and wanted a sit-down, on-camera
exclusive with yours truly.

My team and I have been
workshopping some stuff.

Here's what we're thinking.

VICE meets that Seth Rogen movie

meets Nick News with Linda Ellerbee.

And we'll have
like a real run-g*n setup,

real Duplass Bros kind of
artful camera work,

leave room for improvisation
if need be, that kind of stuff.

I heard Room was good.

What is he doing here? For Orb's sake!
I mean, come on!

What? What? What happened?

These Kitty City emperors

also requested the presence of Mike.

Looks like the band's back together.

f*cking reunion show nobody asked for.

Why would The Emperors request Mike too?

- Something's not right.
- You both got your mission.

But just know this: By
entering the DPRKC...

(McManus snoring)

...you're going off the map,
into the darkness.

I'll be honest.

No one's ever come
out of Kitty City alive.

Here, take Ruber Force One.

Orb speed to you both.

Okay, Ruber Force One
should be around...

(PHIL GASPS)

- MIKE: What?
- PHIL: Is that...?

BOTH: Wallet!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Yes, dude!

Wait, so he's Ruber Force One?

- Oh, my God!
- We're gonna go and ride inside of him!

I actually heard he was
baked in a cotton candy factory.

I heard he was made
in a molasses factory

'cause he's sweet and dense.

Wait, can I poke your belly?

- (SQUEAKS)
- (BOTH SQUEAL)

He squeaks!

- All right, let's get in.
- Yeah!

God, it's incredible in here!

I should be documenting this.

All right, Philly boy, I'm gonna
need you to be my one-man crew.

- PHIL: Nope.
- Okay, we're talking hair and makeup.

- Nope. No.
- Cameraman.

DIT, whatever the f*ck that is.

- You're so f*cking weird now, dude!
- I'm not weird!

You have a GoPro, just
film your little thing.

- PHIL: Put your shirt down.
- MIKE: f*ck it! We'll do it live!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARMS WAILING)

♪ I spent the best years of my youth ♪

♪ Highlighting my classroom notes ♪

♪ Studying those... ♪

Blah!

Holy sh*t!

MIKE: We're in Kitty City again.

This is freaky. Okay, thanks
for the ride, Wallet.

- We'll see you later.
- Thanks, buddy.

- All right, so, uh...
- Phil, hear me out on this.

If it's about bringing him
along with us, then yes.

Great. Wallet, get over here, buddy.

Hey, Wallet, you ever
see a phone before?

(PHONE CHIMES)

- Oh, ho!
- He likes that.

Oh, my God. He is holding your hand.

Just intrinsically.

He's just looking at his
phone and he reached up.

He's holding your pinky.

Not quite the welcome I was expecting.

Thought they'd have like a branded
step-and-repeat or something.

Someone's gotta come welcome us, right?

They said there'd be someone.

- (SCREAMS)
- (SQUEAKS)

There they are, our ambassadors.

- Hello, I am Nikolai.
- Hi, Nikolai.

I am the assistant to The
Emperors, so nice to meet you.

We are incredibly
humbled by this experience...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who's the round one?
We didn't order him.

Oh, that's Mike.
We used to be best friends,

but we had a big trial.
This whole thing happened.

- What the f*ck, dude?
- No, I'm clear on you two rats.

I'm talking about the pigeon.

Oh, Wallet!

- He's our social media liaison.
- Yeah.

Well, we should've gotten clearance.

But my goodness, he is so huggable.

- Right?
- Yes!

Exactly. Huggable's the word.

- He's so sick.
- Why don't we head off?

Welcome to the glorious DPRKC.

- Wow!
- Wow.

Over there is our
local convenience store.

Over there is our post office.

Wow, look at that.

Well, that looks nice, what's that?

The DPRKC hotel.

That's right. We have all
the normal amenities here.

We have a bellboy,
there's a doorman, a concierge.

I don't really know what they do!
Keep driving, Nikolai!

And this is our local watering hole.

Ha-ha! I am very drunk!

Luckily in the DPRKC,
every hour is happy hour!

- Whoa!
- (NIKOLAI LAUGHING)

- Sounds good.
- Isn't that great?

That's a great line.

Yeah. That wasn't a line.
He was just talking.

Sure. Okay, yeah.
Just normal conversations.

- All right, let's get outta here.
- Okay.

NIKOLAI: The historic Emperor's Palace.

- MIKE: Whoa.
- PHIL: sh*t, dude.

MIKE: Dude, you think they're
gonna send girl cats to our room?

- PHIL: What the f*ck? Come on, Mike.
- It's something that happens

- when you go to other countries.
- PHIL: No, it's not!

Why is he so frantic? Did you
give him sugar on the way here?

Wallet, Daddy's worked
too hard on his APP...

...to not have it signed now.

I'm at the finish line.

I don't need your flappin' and flailin'

and f*cking this all up for me.

- I'm sorry for cursing.
- It's okay. And Wallet?

I need to get super f*cking
famous, okay? Sorry for cursing.

Phil and Mike, I present
to you, The Emperors.

(FANFARE PLAYS)

Nikolai, kick the carpet out.

- The carpet, it got caught. Kick it.
- Sorry. Yes, sir.

BOTH: Oh, my God.

EMPEROR MIKE: There they are!

- Nikolai, you've outdone yourself!
- So good.

I know, right? And that
little blue one right there?

- Yeah?
- It's named Wallet.

His name's Wallet?

Yes. He was free.

Oh, my God. There they are.

Can you tell I'm high?

Um, hello.

Can you tell I'm stoned, Nikolai?

I thought you said tell them hi.

Me and Mike smoked
a "Deutsch" before this.

Hello, sirs.

My name is Phillip Matarese

and I've been sent here on behalf

of the rest of the animals
of New York City.

Did you just do a bump, dude?

Oh! Mike Luciano, here.

- How we doing, emps?
- What is this?

(BRITISH ACCENT): How you doin'? Okay.

- Here we are inside Kitty City.
- An accent too? That's not necessary.

- The two emperors...
- Guys, we got the APP.

We just need you to sign here.

Would you shut the f*ck up, Mike?

(NORMAL VOICE): What are you doing?
You're ruining my sh*t!

You're ruining my big moment
in the light of history, dude!

This is my big moment
in the bright lights of fame!

f*cking idiot! Get the f*ck...

(RATS SQUEAKING)

- Phil, Mike, silence.
- (PANTING)

You seem to be under the impression

that you're here
for any sort of purpose.

You were both just on TV at the
right time. It's that simple.

Chaos reigns and The Emperors rule.

- (METAL SCRAPES)
- (WHIRRING)

You see, they have hunted
all kinds of animals.

Bear, boar, Borland.

But now, they wish to hunt
the most dangerous game of all.

Rat!

Nikolai, you did us dirty, didn't ya?

- I did.
- You're a bad guy?

I'm a bad guy, yeah.

So basically, we're just gonna chase
you through a series of rooms

beginning with that
little door, right there.

EMPEROR MIKE: That's the one.

Wait, what's he talking about "door?"

Wait, this has got to be a joke, right?

All right, time's up.

Let's get the wheels going on this.

Here we go. Let the chase begin!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Mmm! Mmm...

JACOB: That chicken's really
k*lling it today, huh?

- (CLEARS THROAT) Can I say something?
- JACOB: Oh, go ahead.

I don't wanna be out of line,

but it feels good not to have
Phil or Mike here for a bit.

Oh, yeah, I'm really glad you said that.

I feel like I can talk

and not everyone's going like,

"Hey, what's up with your egg brains"?

You know, I feel like I can just
be with my friends here, yeah.

We had to stop serving rosé at
the club because of those guys.

JACOB: Why? What'd they do?

Something called butt chugging?

- (GROANING)
- Ew, that's disgusting.

But how would you do that,

if you were trying to, like,
make a funny video to go online?

Hey, g*ng. Don't wanna
throw us off the loop here,

but do you guys think
my name sounds like McDonald's?

- McManus? Oh, it does!
- It does!

- Very good, McManus!
- Yes, excellent!

Somebody's getting two treats!

- Mr. Mayor can I feed him now?
- JACOB: Mm-hmm.

McManus, sit. Sit.

- Stop wiggling. There.
- Sorry.

Jacob, are you gonna try out
for the baseball team this year?

We could use a shortstop.

My guidance counselor says that
being the mayor of new New York

is more than enough extracurricular
activity for college.

So get off my back, McManus!

Wait, Jacob,
are you still in high school?

Yup. I'm the high school mayor.

Check it out, Thursdays on
salon.com Facebook live stream.

But, Mr. Mayor, there's no time
for prom planning committee.

♪ ♪

Go, go, go, go!

(PANTING)

Wait! Phil!

Hold on!

I'm surprised you're
not f*cking leaving me

in the dust like you
did after the trial!

Oh, here we go.

I took the opportunities that
were presented to me, all right?

No, you won the trial
and you forgot about me...

Just like my f*cking dad when
I was f*cking four years old!

- Phil!
- You're just like him!

The world's trying to keep him down.

Look, it sucks about your dad.
Your dad's a piece of sh*t, dude.

And you were left alone when you were
a little kid and that's not fair!

- I agree!
- Cool! But right now,

it's me and you and Wallet.

- Hi, buddy.
- Hi, Wallet.

And we're together in this sh*t, okay?

And when we work together,
we make sh*t happen.

Holy sh*t. I'm getting f*cking pumped!

That's what I'm talking about, dude!
You gotta remember that!

You actually didn't leave me
in the dust, necessarily.

No!

You actually texted me
pretty often after the trial!

I did! I wondered why
you weren't texting me back!

I was in my own head,

and it kind of felt like
I was pushing you out.

- It's called miscommunication!
- Get in here, bro!

- (BOTH WAIL)
- (WALLET SQUEAKS)

- One more hug, just a very genuine one.
- Yeah, let's do it.

- I love you.
- I love you too, man.

No, really. It means a lot to me.

That like feels really good. (SNIFFS)

Did you do cocaine off my shoulder?

- Just a little bit.
- That's fine.

(CATS YOWLING)





I'm gonna bite your f*cking head off!

They're coming! Go, go go!

(SCREAMING)


Kind of hackey that
it's a big ball of yarn!

- Absolutely. Yeah.
- You know, it works.

Here, Mike, down here!

- Uh...
- Look! Up there!

Come on, dude! Time's running out!

I can't tell if it's the top
or his midriff sort of thing.

I'm so scared that one of
the guys is gonna come out.

- It's so freaky.
- Come on, you got it!

- Okay, I think I got it!
- (YOWLS)

- Phil!
- Mike!

- Is he dead?
- MIKE: I'm fine.

- I'm behind the...
- Just behind the...

Okay, cool. I'm gonna try to...

- Hurry up!
- I did it! Whoo!

(CHILDREN HUMMING MELODY)

MIKE: Is this just It's
a Small World After All?

PHIL: Yeah. It's just a
really enjoyable ride

through different
tiny countries, I guess.

This isn't the song.

No, they probably couldn't clear it.

- It's Disney, so.
- Right. Right.

(BELCHES)

Do you have Tums?

Uh, I do not.

- Getting heartburn lately, dude.
- Mm.

It smells like chlorine in here.

Look up ahead!

There's a window and we
can fit through the bars

'cause we're small and rats.

- You know, it's like cat world.
- Yeah, yeah.

But if we jump from here,
we'll die, dude.

Dude, at least it'll be on
our own terms, right bro?

- Let's do it, dude.
- (DOOR OPENS)

Sorry, Wallet, but you
gotta die with us, too.

- (CAT YOWLS)
- (SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, my God. It's cotton candy.

This is Wallet land. It has to be!

Wallet, you brought us to
some sort of Wallet heaven?

Wallet, you're our savior!

You saved us! Yes!

- Hey, guys.
- Oh!

I'm sorry to be a jerk,

but can you buy some
of this cotton candy?

You sort of ruined it
by falling into it.

- What is this place?
- (VENDOR LAUGHS)

It's Kitty City Central, of course!

MIKE: Sorry, but Kitty City is sad.

- Yeah, and rundown and scary.
- And spooky.

What? No way. Kitty City rules.

Basically, right after Green Day,

we cats figured it all out.

We've been holding up
in here ever since.

We got sustainable energy,
all natural food,

really good cotton candy.

All that stuff on the outside

is a show we put on for tourists

and visiting dignitaries.

So the other species don't, like,
ask us for money and stuff.

- I gotta look out for mines, yo.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Eric, Eric! Shut up!

- What'd you tell them?
- Chill, Nikolai!

All I said was that DPRKC is a facade

and that the reality is
cats got it all figured out

and we're doing great. Why?

No, they were visiting "The Emperors."

Wait, wait, hold on.

So the emperors, their palace, Nikolai.

- All this sort of stuff...
- Okay, okay, guys.

That's the insane asylum.

NIKOLAI: It's an insane asylum, yeah.

It's so nice and palace-like

'cause we have incredible health care.

- And we take care of our own.
- All of our best health care.

Those cats? They just
call themselves The Emperors.

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

Nikolai over here, he's just a freak

who's obsessed with
being a pretend servant.

Yeah, I'm nuttier than
a squirrel's cum sh*t.

- Ugh! Nikolai.
- It's true, and I respect you for that.

See, we respect all of our sick.

It doesn't matter what you got going on.

Who's the crazy ones now?

We've got a growing tech sector,

public school teachers are rich as f*ck.

- We're doing great.
- We're all doing great.

You guys wanna montage a bit?

- Let's do it!
- f*ck it!

(CHEERING)

♪ ♪

(BICYCLE BELLS CHIME)

I live a pretty fast lifestyle,

so having him to ground me
is really important.

- Hey, Phil.
- Hey, Nikolai.

I just wanted to apologize for the whole

emperors-hunting-you thing.

- You know? It was y'all or me.
- PHIL: Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. You gotta
look out for yours, yo.

But it all kind of worked out, right?

I mean, now you know Kitty City
isn't a tyrannical dictatorship.

Yeah, I suppose, but my peace pac

you know, my legacy and
all that sort of stuff.

Come on, man.
Your peace pact, your legacy.

Philip, there's no difference
between the paths

you and Michael have chosen.

They're both exercises in vanity.

You feel a need to stand out,

to show that you,
quote, unquote, "count."

Let me ask you something.
What... What do I do?

That's for you to figure out.

But perhaps you should start
by smoking this fatness.

- All right. Take a hit.
- (INHALES DEEPLY)

What are you guys doing?
Smoking some noiche-noiche?

Jay and Silent Bob.

- (PHIL GROANS)
- MIKE: Whoa!

Ooh, boy, he's out.
Jesus, what is in that?

It's catnip, or how do you
say, "dimethyltryptamine.

Nikolai! What are you, Joe Rogan?

You don't just spring
DMT on somebody like that.

No one told him to dive right in, yes?

You gotta mentally prepare.
You gotta have a shaman.

Duncan Trussel should at the
very least be on speed dial.

Dad?

Hey, son.

Is that... Is that you, Dad?

I haven't seen you since
I was, like, four years old.

Why'd you... Why'd you go, Dad?

I got into a really awesome
motorcycle accident

when I went out to get cigarettes
that one time, you know, and d*ed.

So you were gonna come back?

- You were gonna come back to us.
- What? No, no, no, no.

I was bailing... for sure.

You know, bailing on you and your mom.

Okay, but why, Dad?

You're not gonna like it, but I just...

I just felt like leaving. So I
just kind of left, you know.

I figured, nature, nurture-wise,

your mom's got it covered, so.

Guess it's pretty
self-centered of me, but...

as you're finding out, life's
kind of self-centered anyways.

- Isn't it?
- I suppose you have a point.

Hey, you want a ginger ale?

- What?
- A ginger ale, you know, the...

I can get that if you want,
you know, easy.

No, I'm... I'm okay.

So, just in general, like,
what should I do, Dad?

You know, like, give me some dad-vice.
How do I be better?

I mean, I'm a deadbeat dad,

so it's probably not the best
idea to come to me for advice.

But in my opinion,

you young people want control
over your destiny so badly,

when in reality, no one has
control over their destiny.

You want fulfillment like it's
a T-shirt you just put on.

You're just so fixated on never
being great or never finding love

that you just fail to realize that
you were great and loved all along.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. I guess you're right, Pop.

That makes a lot of sense.

Ain't it funny they
call it makin' a livin'

like you're already dead or something?

I mean, what the f*ck
you wanna do with your life?

I mean, what is this all about?

I just wanna help animals.

Whoa, whoa. You know what you should do?

- What's that?
- Have a big ol' music festival.

Wayne's World - style.

You get all the animals together
and f*cking jam it out.

Even before the Grand Communicator,

music was the universal language.

That's a great way to open up

the other species
to one another, you know.

Call it something dumb and catchy,

you know, like, Roachella.

- Whoa. Roachella.
- (CHUCKLING)

I like that. That's good.

- MIKE (ECHOING): Phil!
- I think I gotta go.

Uh, I'll see you around, Dad.
Thanks for the advice.

Yeah, see you, Phil.

Wallet, stop giving him
cotton candy. Come on.

I don't know. A couple more cotton
candies might do him some good.

- Phil. Phil! He's awake.
- What?

Hey, man. I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you were
such a lightweight.

Freshman. (CHUCKLES)

I... I had the craziest dream.

Really? Was I there?

And was he there?
And was Wallet there, too?

No, no, no, no. I wanted
Wallet to be there.

But no, it was my f*cking dad.

It was in outer space and I saw my dad.

- Whoa.
- That sh*t was no joke, Nikolai.

Anyway, he said I should
put on a music festival.

Like a Wayne's World kind of festival.

- Yeah, yeah!
- Like with all the animal species?

- Yeah!
- Like, coming together?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. The Emperors
just recorded an album.

(HARMONIZING): ♪ Poo-poo, pee-pee, poo ♪

♪ Meow ♪

I'm their manager.
You should put them on.

What? The Emperors?

I saw them at Silent Bar last week.

It was a nice time.

You know what?
Actually, that's a good idea.

Having performers from the DPRKC

means strides in democratic relations.

It'll be an all-day thing,
with multiple tents,

and Wallet can, like, sell cotton candy

or, like, I don't know, he
could, like, be a bouncy house.

It's the new Green Day tradition.

The new Green Day
tradition is Roachella,

which is what we're calling it.
We're married to the name.

- It can't change.
- We know. It's gonna be so much fun.

- Any questions?
- Any questions anybody?

So, you went to Kitty City
to get a peace pact signed,

and came back with the idea

to throw a big concert
with all the animals?

- Mm-hmm. Wayne's World -style...
- That's right.

...is what we're going for.

Timeline-wise, like, two weeks?

MIKE: Yeah and it'll be sick.

I think we, as a committee,
tend to overthink things.

A whole gathering of animals and music?

Can't lose.

(ANIMALS AGREEING)

You know what? You're right, can't lose.

- That makes me think of something.
- Yeah.

Now, this is something
that I've been thinking about

- for a while. Follow me here.
- Yeah.

Are the Krabby Patties from
SpongeBob made of actual crab?

Of course Krabby Patties
are made of crab.

What the f*ck
do you think they're made of?

(ALL ARGUING)

Are you kidding me?
Are we actually debating that?

- What the f*ck?
- The chef is a crab.

So it'd be weird if he was serving crab?

You guys don't know
sh*t about SpongeBob.

Bob Balaban, huge fan,
but you are dead wrong.

This is Bob m*therf*cking Balaban, okay?

You listen to this fucker!

Okay, thank you, Trotts.

So where did we leave off
with the Roachella thing?

Are we... we're doing it?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What does Wallet say?

Do the honors, Phil.

Wallet, I know you'd never lie to me.

Should we do Roachella in two weeks?

That always...

That's just like a random one.
You should do it again.

- (SLOSHING)
- Yes!

All right, f*ck it! Let's do it!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL (CHANTING): Wallet! Wallet!
Wallet! Wallet!

JACOB: This should've been
another Wallet episode.

♪ I... ♪

♪ I never would hurt you ♪

♪ Even if I did you ♪

MIKE: I just don't trust that
stuff... PayPal, Venmo, all that.


Oh, man, I owe... I owe a
lot of money to friends.

Oh, my God. I hate it when people...
They call asking for it...

And we went out to dinner.

And now I'm getting
hit with like, . .

- It's like what, they're... so they...
- It's like insane.

They must've brought
the receipt home or something.

- Yeah.
- And then they f*cking...

- They ask... they request...
- Let me get the next...

I'll get the next dinner!

It doesn't need to be that official.

It's so weird. It's like, gross.

Now I feel like, was that even fun?

Right, now it's a job. Now it's
like a job right off the hook.

Yeah, that's annoying.

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is the answer ♪

♪ To the question ♪

♪ But thanks for ♪

♪ All the suggestions ♪

♪ I know I don't care at all ♪

♪ Yeah, I know I don't
know anything at all ♪

(LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
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