03x10 - Roachella

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Animals". Premiered February 5.
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.
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03x10 - Roachella

Post by bunniefuu »


♪ I used to like walking
with my eyes down ♪

♪ I'd sleep all day
and fret away the night ♪

♪ Rumspringa Rumspringa ♪

♪ Here we all go ♪

♪ God will test us... ♪

All right, tickets! We got tickets!

- Hey, man!
- Hey, man.

You looking for tickets or what?

Oh, no, no. I'm buying at the door.

Thank you very much.

Dude, this is Roachella!

It's like the animal
kingdom's Woodstock!

No offense, old Woodstock.

(COUGHING) Show me your tits! Whoo!

f*ck off, creep!

This show's been
sold out for, like, ever.

Oh! This is not only my first concert,

but it is a testing of my faith

and I am ready for that test.

What... what are you, like, Amish?

- What is it? Holy God.
- Yeah.

I'm on my Rumspringa.

Kid, I was gonna scam you.

These tickets are just
fruit roll-ups I drew on.

What's your name?

Oh, Sherman. Sherman Tortreform.

Tortreform? Isn't that some obscure law?

It's a family name
passed down for many centuries.

My cousins married my cousins

and my brothers...

- Annie.
- Wonderful to meet you, Annie.

Okay, Sherman.
Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna wait on line with you,

to make sure you get in

and don't immediately
get attacked and die

because, let's face it,
you need someone.

Okay. Thank you for helping me.

Praise be this Rumspringa!

Roachella! Whoo!

Jesus. Chill out.

It says Roachella right there!

No, no, no! Dude, it's a
f*cking fruit roll-up!

Look. See? It's strawberry, you prick!

What the f*ck? I paid some
bunny bucks for this.

Dude, putting on
a concert's a lot of work.

- I don't like it.
- Yeah, man.

Wayne's World is a crock of shit.

And honestly, it's not even that good.

Why don't we just
forget about the tickets?

- Who cares?
- Yes!

I mean, it kind of contradicts
the whole Roachella message.

It's supposed to be for everybody.

One festival, one day.
All species, all genres.

- Except math rock, obviously.
- Amen.

Let's just let everybody
come in and do whip-its.

Oh, my God. That sounds so much better.

PHIL: Everybody, come on in!

Mr. Organbarf, tear down that wall!


- Hey, my bosses.
- Hey!

- Hey! There he is!
- Tim, how's it going, dude

Good, good.
Thanks for having me on board.

I'm excited to meet
the, uh, security squad.

- Am I...
- Is that a band or something?

Is that Jared Leto's band?

No, that's su1c1de Squad,

and that's a movie he's in.

- Got it.
- Hold on a second.

I'm not the whole security staff, am I?

I'm the whole thing?
I have one concern, though.

- Sure.
- The ratio of concertgoers to me...

- Security.
- ...is a good , to one.

Well, think about these
poor public school teachers

who've got, like, classrooms with like,

- kids in 'em and stuff.
- That's devastating.

- They're the real heroes.
- They're not paid enough.

Yeah, so, you're good?

Feel like you got everything?
Everything's clear?

No, I don't. I don't feel
good about the afternoon.

- Sure.
- All right.

That guy has a laser pointer.

That is the as*ault w*apon
of juvenile mischief.

All right, gotta go.
Laser pointer in the area.

♪ I'm Mr. Mother f*cking like eXquire ♪

♪ Hold up, hold on, pipe down ♪


Hello, Roachella! I'm Moby.

We are thrilled to be here

for this day of peaceful resistance

to the powers that divide us.

Never forget, we are all animals.

- On HBO.

All righty. Let's have some fun.


♪ I'm smarter than your f*cking dog ♪

♪ But he sleeps in your bed ♪

♪ I'm cuter than your f*cking
cat and then I wind up d*ad ♪

♪ You couldn't k*ll me,
why you eat me? ♪

♪ 'Cause you think you're not cruel ♪

♪ But now I'm d*ad inside your body ♪

♪ What the f*ck did I do to you? ♪

♪ Two eyes, four legs ♪

♪ Just like your friends ♪

♪ One life, it's mine not yours to end ♪

♪ Just like a pussycat to
strangers to k*ll what you eat ♪

♪ It's my life not yours,
I'm not your f*cking meat ♪

♪ P, turned upside down ♪

♪ I, make it soft and round ♪

♪ G, make a different sound ♪

♪ Oh, could you eat me now? ♪

♪ P, turn it upside down ♪

♪ I, make it soft and round ♪

♪ G, make a different sound ♪

♪ Oh, could you eat me now? ♪


All right, listen up, Wayward Sons.

I'll go plant a few of our presents

and once the sun goes
down, we make our move.

Until then, have fun!

Stay hydrated.

Yeah! Thank you, Psycho!

Hey, guys?

Let's make sure we give it up
for Psycho for organizing.

GROUP: Thank you, Psycho!

Really. No! She works so hard

for us to be like a tough
guy, bad dude g*ng,

and I really think that we need
to acknowledge that, all right?

- PSYCHO: That's enough!
- HAWK: All right, guys. Later.

Did I come on too strong?

It was a little
heavy-handed, but it's fine.

Heavy-handed, what's that mean?

Is that like weighty wing?

It's probably the same. (CHUCKLES)

- Hey, I learn a lot from you.
- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.
- I know you're smart.

- Yeah. I am.
- I can't believe I'm dating a wolf.

I can't believe I'm dating a wolf.

All right, thank you.

That's great. Honey, thank you so much.

I feel pretty lucky, myself.
I mean, you know.

- A hawk.
- That's right.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

That's what I am.

That's percent what I am!

- That's right.
- I'm a hawk!

You know what? Hey.
I'm gonna go fly around

and scout some weak security points.

- Yeah.
- No, that's perfect.

'Cause you have eyes like a...

Have eyes like a what?

- Forget it.
- Eyes like Steve Buscemi.

You have eyes like a hawk, Hawk.

Eyes like a hawk.


I got eyes like a hawk!


All right.

- Okay, so this is beer.
- Okay.

You're just gonna take a little sip

and you just drank the whole thing.

What is this witch's brew
that's cast a spell on me?



(DRUNKENLY): Baby, come here.

And she's shit-faced.

Baby, hold my hand, baby.

All right, let's take it easy, buddy.

I just wanna kiss your sweet little paw.

Sherman, you gotta ask me
if you can kiss my paw.

You know, people cut these off,
keep them on key chains.

Give it. Give it up.


Roachella, baby!

- Whoa! Watch your back.
- Sorry, dude.

Let's take it easy, buddy.

Okay, we're all having a good time.

Do you know who I am, by the way?
'Cause I kinda threw this f*cking...

f*ck off, you rat f*ck!

Let me touch that little butt!

- Sherman!
- Sorry!

Hello, Roachella! We're Dinosaur Jr!

As you can tell, we're beavers!

Well, there were maybe dinosaur beavers.


♪ Starve a cold feed a fever ♪

♪ She's the one, you don't need her ♪

♪ You're a porcupine, I'm a beaver ♪

♪ That should be enough ♪

♪ That should be enough ♪

♪ That should be enough ♪

♪ I don't eat, I don't sleep ♪

♪ Getting out, don't believe ♪

♪ Should be more I'm a leader ♪

♪ That should be enough ♪

♪ That should be enough ♪

♪ That should be enough ♪

♪ And worlds come running ♪

♪ To take your hand ♪

♪ I won't be coming ♪

♪ You'll understand ♪


♪ Worlds come running ♪

♪ To take your hand ♪

♪ Take her from me ♪

♪ You're not the only one ♪

♪ I'm the one ♪


Demon out! (RETCHES)

I'm sorry, buddy.

Maybe you should take it
slower than that one beer.

I'm actually fine.

I feel way better.

Oh, shit, there's a VIP area!

Oh, my God. We gotta get in there.

But, uh, I think they might have,
like, a no fanny pack rule.

ANNIE: I think I got an idea.

- Roll with me.
- All right, all right. (BELCHES)

Okay, a little burp.

Ew. Yeah. I'm ready now.

You're like a little baby, aren't you?

There it is.

Hello, sir. Two for the VIP, please.

That's not the way it works.

Do you see who this is?

- TIM: Oh, yeah.
- She is Amish freaking royalty.

Yeah. We didn't wanna say it

'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you.

We've already got
some Amish royalty in there.

- We're maxed out.

I'm so wasted!

Put your boobies in my face again!

That's Bishop Thrustle.

- You know that guy?
- Yeah.

- Weird.
- He is closest to God.

Well, he's definitely close
to them titties, right now.

Okay, you know what? You, not you.

Okay, so she's cool.

I'm not cool is what you're saying.

This is the whole package.
This is the whole look.

- This is VIP material.
- Yeah. Right, right.

- What I'm looking at, here...
- No, I actually

exactly understand his thought process.

I'm gonna go in,

scope it out,
I'll be back in five minutes.

All right? Just wait here for me.

Have fun, Annie!

Yeah, f*ck, yeah!

VIP! Where the Cristal at?

- Farts on my d*ad dad!

The next act is stuck in traffic.

- Shit. f*ck.
- Dude, and they were a big get.

They were huge and they're big animals.

Physically big animals.
What are we gonna do?

We gotta stall for time, or something.

And I don't wanna go out there.

Okay, well, I don't wanna go out there.

- Hey, Tim!
- Tim!

- How's it going, dude?
- Hey, dude!

So we got a real big security
issue on stage right now.

I don't know if you could tell,
but there's nobody up there.

So, we just need you... You're
a standup comedian, right?

- I'm not.
- You're hilarious.

Just go out there and let one rip.

Get out there, buddy!
Good boy, good boy.


Hi, I'm, uh... My name is Tim.

I'm doing security here.

And, uh...

here goes the comedy.


You guys like Frisbees?

What's up with those things?


This is... This is going
surprisingly well.

I'm not gonna lie. What else?

- Burger King Kids Club, remember that?

Wheels? They named him Wheels.

- That was crazy.

I did not think
I had this kind of set ready.

But I'm clearly k*lling it.


Hey, boss. How's it going?

You try that veggie patty truck?

It tastes like actual meat!

So good!

Why am I, the leader of the g*ng,

and also a wolf,

the one climbing up the scaffolding

to place our ominous devices everywhere?

Well, you said, like, me
and the rest of the g*ng

should have fun till sundown.

It's kind of, like,
magic hour right now.

- So we all went out...
- Okay, you can fly

and I am just so sweaty
in my leather jacket...

I'm sorry, I'm getting cranky.

I'm just... I'm just a little nervous

for our big performance.

Hey, Psych.

We practiced, like, two times.

You've got this in the bag.

We should've rehearsed more.

Listen, I may be just
a dental hygienist from Paramus,

but I know a star when I see one.

And, Psych, you are awfully bright.

Hey, excuse me. Can I have a kiss?

Goddamnit, Hawk.
You're always so damn sweet.

Get over here!

And also, I thought you were a
school teacher for dumb horses.

All right, gotta go, honey!

And... done.

- Let the countdown begin.

All right, this is going great.

MIKE: Everybody, let's
give it up for Tim, huh?

- TIM: All right.
- PHIL: Give it up for Tim, everybody!

Annie? Annie?

(SOBS) I can't even see anything!

Check it out, someone's coming out!

Curse you, Annie,
for leaving me here alone!

ANNIE: Hey, can I grab
this mic from you...

Gotcha, gotcha.
What are you gonna do now?

You gonna run? You gonna run?

I got you.

Hey, everybody!

What's up?

♪ Sherman I'm not sure if you're a man ♪

♪ But I am sure that
you're surely my friend ♪

♪ You got skin like a merman,
you might be a Mormon ♪

♪ Hairstyle looking like
Randy Quaid in Kingpin ♪


♪ I'm just playin',
spittin', brainstormin' ♪

♪ Storm the stage,
grab a mic, start performin' ♪

♪ Raise the roof like an Amish mornin' ♪

♪ Where you at Missa Tortreforman? ♪

That's my crazy last name!

Sherman Tortreform.

- MALE: Who is that?
- Can someone get Sherman?

- Oh, my God!
- All right, here we go.

Turtles have a nice center of gravity.

- I got to admit.
- SHERMAN: Yeah!

Oh... Oh!

- Oh, my Lord!
- Sherman! Sherman! Sherman!

All these strangers are helping me

to the front of the stage.

They're coming together to help me,

Sherman Tortreform.

It's... it's beautiful.

God is everywhere.

CROWD (CHANTING): Sherman! Sherman!

- Oh, my God!

- Annie!
- Yeah, that was pretty sick, right?

What happened?

Yeah, you know, I figured
I'd make your first concert

something memorable.

'Cause you are VIP to me.

Plus those rats

do not know how to run
a music festival, like, at all.

I should not have
gotten up here this easy.

Everybody! I had an epiphany.

I am gonna extend
my Rumspringa indefinitely.

You hear that, Bishop Thrustle?

I'm out, baby! I am gone, you sick f*ck!

- Peace!
- Aah!

Remember when you got drunk

and kissed my hand and called me baby?

- Yeah, baby.
- You wanna kiss my face?

CROWD (CHANTING): Sherman! Sherman!

The time is nigh, my Wayword Sons.

Yeah! The time is night!

- Oh, my God. I'm so nervous.
- You're great.

- You're gonna do fine.
- It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great.

There is no going back.

- Now!
- (expl*si*n)


(ELECTRONIC VOICE): All righty, then!


I can't lie to my so!

- f*ck, yeah!
- Yeah!


- Go, go!
- Jim Carreys everywhere!

Sherman, I know you've
been living under a rock.

There was this huge trial between...

Yeah, Jim Carrey versus Adam Sandler.

It's, like, the trial
of the century. I know.


- What?
- What the f*ck happened?

- What's going on?
- I can't understand you!

I can't understand you!

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

- Yo, listen up!
- We have hacked all grand communicators,

- silencing all of you like...
- You!

Hold on! Like we've been silenced.

Who are we? We are the Wayward Sons

of Carrey!

Carry on, my Wayward Sons!

Get it?

They're not laughing. I thought
that would get a big...

No, hey, it's the house.

It's not you, I promise.

We're here to protest
the unjust result of the trial.

Jim Carrey is the superior actor!

Like there was any doubt!

- Ace Ventura alone!
- This again?

This was already litigated. I was there!

You guys, he f*cking lost.

Get over it!

Jim Carrey's award show jokes
is a genre in it of itself!

g*dd*mn genius! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Psych, watch out!

- Guinea Pig: f*ck!

Jim Carrey rules.
He can paint and stuff.

I like that guy. I like that guy a lot.

- Anyway, taste my riffs, duck!
- Quack!

Jim Carrey taps into
our universal funny bone.

It is universal. He is for the people!

I mean, animals!

ANNIE: Ace Ventura does not hold up!

HAWK: Are you kidding me?

The Mask, Cameron Diaz?

She is glowing in that!

Well, now it's back to
the state of things, I guess.

Everything's insane.
Chaos reigns, et cetera.

Let's just bring out the headliner.

Yeah, let's do it.

Did you even see The Majestic?

It was unfairly maligned.


♪ Feels like ♪

♪ I'm standing in a timeless dream ♪

- Oh, my God!

♪ Of light mists ♪

- ♪ Of pale amber rose ♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that...? I haven't heard
this song in forever!

So good!

"I Love You Always Forever,"
by Donna Lewis.

Turn the Carreys off.

Psych, we just started.
We can't stop now.

Turn the Carreys off!

All right, you heard her! Turn 'em off!

ANNOUNCER: Please put your
claws and paws together for

Donna Lewis!

There's Donna Lewis.

Hello animals of New York City!

You all look beautiful tonight.

Every lizard, every horse,

every rat and that thing.

Tonight, we are one. Let's do this!

♪ I love you always forever ♪

♪ Near and far closer together ♪

♪ Everywhere I will be with you ♪

♪ Everything I will do for you ♪

♪ I love you always forever ♪

♪ Near and far closer together ♪

♪ Everywhere I will be with you ♪

♪ Everything I will do for you ♪

♪ You've got the most unbelievable ♪

♪ Blue eyes I've ever seen ♪

♪ You've got me almost melting away ♪

- Cock sucking, f*cking rat f*ck.

♪ As we lay there under a blue sky ♪

- ♪ With pure white stars ♪

- Lieutenant.
- General.

♪ Exotic sweetness a magical time ♪

Anybody want a water? No?

Copy that, copy that. No waters.

♪ I love you always forever ♪

♪ Near and far closer together ♪

♪ Everywhere I will be with you ♪

♪ Everything I will do for you ♪

♪ I love you always forever... ♪

- MIKE (WHINING): Not me!
- (MUMBLES): f*ck off!

♪ Everywhere I will be with you ♪

♪ Everything I will do for you ♪

♪ Say you'll love, love me forever ♪

♪ Never stop, never whatever ♪

♪ Near and far and always... ♪

- Best friends.
- Best friends forever.


♪ Never stop, never whatever ♪

- ♪ Near and far and always ♪

- ♪ And everywhere and everything ♪

♪ Say you'll love, love me forever ♪

♪ Never stop, never whatever ♪

♪ Near and far and always
and everywhere and every ♪

♪ Say you'll love, love me forever ♪

♪ Never stop, never whatever ♪

I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Psycho.

- Shh, it's okay.
- You were right.

I-I have to admit something to you.

That you're a flamingo? Yes,
that's pretty obvious, Hawk.

- But that's okay.
- I'm also bald.

- This is a toupee.
- Mm-hmm.

I also can't speak Japanese.
I was just making up sounds.

- I could tell.
- I'm also a virgin.

I have no idea how wolves do it,

but I'm pretty sure us birds
just stand on each other's backs

and dance. That's why I'm doing that.

Hawk! It's okay.

- (m*ssile WHISTLING)
- Whoa, whoa. Wait, what is that noise?

HAWK: Uh...

This is great. New standup career.

My whole life ahead of me.

Ten bucks in my pocket
and what the hell is that?

That's an approaching nuclear b*mb.

DONNA LEWIS: Wait, wait!

Stop my amazing song, look at that!

- Shit.
- Oh, God.

This is the end. Psycho, quick.

Before I die, can I dance on your back?

- Uh, okay.
- Yeah!

Yeah, does that feel good?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay, dance on mine.

Is this how you do it?


- They're really sharp. I love you!
- I love you!

- It's just like the dinosaurs.

Animals ran
New York City for three years

and it was great,
but looks like everything

comes to an end, like
Dinosaurs, the TV show.

- Goodbye, old friend.
- No, what?

- Now is the time.
- Now is the time.

Now's the time.


- Look at that.
- Wow!

- All right, good! We're not d*ad!
- That's convenient.

- We're still alive.
- Aah, f*ck.

The Orb saved us!

The f*cking dirty GrabBags were right.

The Orb is God!

All hail the Orb!


Is that nuke alive?

Oh, my God. He's adorable!

- I want kids.
- What?

Aah! Oh, my God! What the heck! Whoa!

What the sh**t! This is weird.

This feels weird. This looks weird.

Everything is weird!

What the freaking Dinosaur Jr.!



Hey everyone, listen up! Hey, over here!

The Orb has powers beyond
your recognition, animals.

It created me
and several others like me.

Quick, someone give me
your Grand Communicator

so he can hear us.

What? What's this for?

What are you doing?

Oh, my goodness.

He's hearing for the first time!

It's like those deaf baby
YouTube videos.

- Instant f*cking tears!
- I'm bawling.

Even thinking about
those videos, I'm bawling.

Now, it's in.

Papa? Are you my... Are you my papa?


You wanna go
in the bouncy castle, buddy?

Boy, do I?

Hey, can my name be Mike?
I wanna be Mike.

Is that cool? I'm just vibing with Mike.

Really? Of course
you can be Mike, little guy.

Yeah. Nuke Mike.


I wish I had better news.

I've seen this before.

He's got hours and then he's gonna

return to his inanimate
state and explode.

- It's just like Birch!
- He's gonna Birch.

Huh! Did the kid explode
at the end of Simon Birch?

No, but, you know, he dies.

- Dude!
- Spoilers! Come on!

But Dr. Mouth Move, what do we do?

Talk to him.

But more specifically, talk to the GoPro

attached to his back.

- NUKE: Yeah!
- I did some inspecting

and it seems as though it's
some sort of live stream

where the humans were planning
on nuking New York City

and eradicating all you animals.

Wait, there's still humans?

Hell yeah. All over!

That sucks. I thought they died,

like Dinosaurs, the TV show.

Holy cow! Donna Lewis?

Hey, Donna! Big fan, love you!

Listen, when my friends
turned inanimate,

I brought them back
to where we came from.

The Orb. And in my professional opinion,

I think a similar course of action

with Nuke would be prudent.

Send that f*ck
back to New Jersey.


All right, and we're live.

Whaddup, humans? You pieces of shit!

PHIL: Hello, human beings!

First time, long time.
How you guys been, huh?

Bunch of pervy dudes getting outed

and a bullshit president?

Figures, 'cause you suck!

You tried to destroy
our little animal kingdom.

But guess what?
We already did, f*ck!

- We did.
- Look at us! There's no kings, here!

There's no class system, here!

We had a music festival
with a bunch of animals!

- It was so sick!
- It was so sick!

- It's so sick!
- Sure, sure.

It got derailed a little bit
by a Jim Carrey activist group.

- Yeah. That was us!
- Sorry, guys!

All things considered,
it went pretty smoothly.

Yeah, exactly. We're all friends!

- Fun day. We had a good time.
- Good time.

You f*ck tried to nuke us?

Well, guess what? We're gonna eat you.

That's right. We're gonna eat your kids.

We're gonna eat your money.

we're gonna eat your military,

We're gonna bite your f*cking heads off!

Because you drew first blood, not me!

- They drew first blood!
- They drew first blood!

BOTH: They drew first blood!

Boom, baby! We comin' for ya! Ha ha!

Sorry, dudes! It's me, Nuke Mike.

Remember you made me
to destroy all the animals.

Well, now, I'm on their side

and I also just learned a new word,



Whoo! Yeah! Let's do this!

We're coming for you!

- They're coming this way.
- No.


Animals versus humans!

- No, no, no, no!

- The end!
- (expl*si*n)

♪ Eurycles, I am broken ♪

♪ The disciple smiles in disgust ♪

♪ The satyrs have awoken ♪

♪ And things aren't here
to be discussed ♪

PHIL: Thanks, everybody.

- It's been a great season.
- Really a lot of fun.

I wanna thank Paul Rust.
I wanna thank the General.

I wanna thank the Lieutenant.

- I wanna thank everybody at HBO.
- Whoo!

I wanna thank, uh, uh...

- Jan Roskind!
- Sapphire!

Sapphire! Oh, my God, Sapphire.

I wanna thank Sapphire. I wanna thank
our recurring cast this season.

Bob Balaban, Lucy Liu,
you guys were great.

- Super funny.
- Dreams to work with.

Lucy Liu! One of my faves.

- She's amazing.
- So good.

She's amazing!

And Paul! Who can forget Paul!

I wanna thank our musical guests,

Dinosaur Jr., Moby...

- You guys wanna hang out?
- How about dinner?

Oh! Thai?

Oh, my God. Thai food.

I love it, I love it, I love it.

I think I'm just
gonna take a little nappy.

- Okay!
- He's going down again!

It's been a long day.


Lieutenant sandwich!

- Lieutenant sandwich!

♪ So bad ♪

♪ Or is it as dark ♪
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