02x07 - Headspace

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Ted Lasso". Aired: August 14, 2020 to present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Small town American football coach Ted hired to manage a British soccer team—despite having no experience.
Post Reply

02x07 - Headspace

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey, babe.
- Hi, babe.

[HUMS]

[YELPS]

Morning.

Morning.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Hey.

Hey.

[ENGINE STARTS]

- Bye.
- Bye.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Oi! You're not going to your office?

Uh, no. I was just gonna go to the
café and get a cup of tea first.

Oh, cool.

Can I come?

Yeah, course.

Sweet.

[LLOYD SHELLEY] That's right.

Make another useless policy you're
gonna backtrack on in a week.

Idiots.

Talking to the newspapers
again, sweetheart?

- Mm.
- Let me know if they ever talk back.

Hello, hello. Hey, Mom.

- Hi, darling.
- Got you these. There you go.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you. What's the occasion?

Oh, nothing. You know,
just an ordinary day.

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERS] Hey.

Oh, wow. Look at that.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] That's a good one, that.

[BREATHES DEEPLY, SIGHS]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Hey, Dad.

Nathan.

Would you look at that. [CHUCKLES]

They'll let anyone in the newspapers
nowadays, won't they?

They say humility is not
thinking less of yourself

but thinking about yourself less.

My little boy wonder.

Uh, yeah, sorry, Mom,
but it's Wonder Kid.

Um, wunderkind, actually,
is what I think I said.

But I just, um, uh, didn't, um...

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

- Hey, Doc.
- Hi, Ted. Come in.

Yeah, okay. I wanted to thank you again

for helping me out with that
little hiccup the other night.

I'm actually feeling better,
so I don't know

if this is necessary, really.

Make yourself comfortable.

Okay.

Let me sit. [STRAINS] I can sit here.

- It's, uh... Oh! It's noisy.
- [CUSHIONS CREAKING]

Yes. Oh... you know what? Hey,
I'll, you know, go on the couch.

Here we go. How about that?

Uh, hey, who am I?

Don Draper, right?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [TED INHALES]

Yeah. Isn't that a little formal?

Um, oh, I don't wanna
put my shoes on there.

You know what? I'll lay down,
right? Here we go.

I'll just pop my feet up here.
Like this, you know?

Like a couple kids
on their top bunk on camp...

I don't know what to do
with my arm. It feels...

Here. Oh, here we go.
This is what we'll do.

We'll go just classic, how you see,
like, in New Yorker cartoons.

[CHUCKLES] Right? Oh, know what?

I'll put this under here
to help even out my spine.

Then... Oh, yeah, that feels nice. Okay.

Now, what do I do here?
Do I just... No, that's like...

[IMITATES RUSHING WATER, CHUCKLES]

Like I'm going down a water slide
or something like that. Like a luge.

Uh... [STAMMERS] Here. That's
a little too "casket-y", isn't it? Okay.

How about... Here, let's do this.
[CLEARS THROAT]

All right, how's this? This good?

Probably sitting is best.

Oh, sure. That's good. Okay.

All right. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, there we go. Ooh. There you are.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Quite intimate here, you know?
Close. Close quarters.

It's like we're on a episode
of The Sopranos,

without all the gratuitous v*olence,
which is a good thing.

But a lot less spaghetti and clams too,
which is a bad thing.

So... [CHUCKLES]

Hey, who's this guy? What's his story?

You good, buddy? Yeah?
Okay, good. [CHUCKLES]

Very agreeable fella, you know?
Just doin' his thing.

- You got tissues over there, huh? Hmm.
- Yes, tissues.

Yeah. What are those for?

Sometimes it gets a bit
emotional in here.

Mm-hmm.

- Not always, but sometimes.
- Yep, yep, yep.

Sometimes people just sneeze.

Yeah. Yeah, they do.
Well, we both agree with you.

- Mm.
- [CHUCKLES]

[INHALES DEEPLY] Yeah. Yeah, my hay
fever's been pretty good over here.

Must be a low pollen
count in the UK, so...

[SIGHS] Okay. All right.
Well, when do we start?

- We've already started.
- Hmm.

- We started when you entered in here.
- What? Oh, sh**t!

Well, I'm sorry. I feel like I've
wasted a bunch of time already,

with all of the couch shenanigans
and noticing your accoutrements.

- It's, uh...
- Ted.

Yeah?

Don't worry.

[SOFTLY] Uh, yeah. No, of course.
I'm not worried at all.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES, BREATHES DEEPLY]

Okay. Uh...

What... I mean, what do
you wanna talk about?

Why don't you tell me
what happened the other night?

Yeah. I don't wanna do this.

[ASSISTANT COACH] Tres, dos, uno, vamos.

Tres, dos, uno, vamos.
Tres, dos, uno, vamos.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

- Tres, dos, uno, vamos. Vamos.
- [WHISTLE TWEETS]

All right, come on! Come here,
come here, come here, come here.

All right, fellas.

Look, there are two things

you can't ever let the other
team know, all right?

The first one's your home
address. Mark my words.

You'll start having food deliveries
and SWAT teams showing up - ,

which is nuts, 'cause in my day,

all we had to worry about
was crank phone calls.

Then, with the advent of caller ID,

that joy got 'd from the prank menu,

which is a darn shame, 'cause the
Jerky Boys were a national treasure.

Y'all should give them
a google sometime.

But I digress.

The second thing that you don't want

your opponent to know
is that you're tired.

Okay, look, I know y'all
are exhausted. I get it.

But I don't want you to show it.

I don't wanna see y'all walking around

with your tired faces, all... [PANTING]

Okay? Just huffing and
puffing around the pitch.

Uh-uh. No, thank you.

The only face I wanna see
from y'all is, what, Coach?

- Game face, baby!
- Darn tootin', Vladimir Putin. Right.

- Y'all feel me?
- [ALL] Yes, Coach!

Good. Okay, good. Now, hop up there.

Okay. Offense, y'all gonna stick around
here with Coach Nate and Beard.

Defense, you're coming with
me and Roy. On the hop.

Move it!

[CHATTERING]

Okay. Right.

Coach Nate, I hope you're not
too great to train us now.

- [PLAYERS LAUGHING]
- Thank you, Dani.

Those drills better be lit. You've
got a reputation to keep up.

Yes, very funny. Thank you, Jamie.

Lucky us. We get to be trained
by the Wonder Kid himself.

- [LAUGHING]
- Ah, big man.

Oh, very funny, Colin.
You a stand-up comic now?

Kind of ironic, 'cause I sat you down
at the match the other day.

[LAUGHING]

Right. I need all our best goal scorers
on the pitch right now. Go.

[PLAYERS LAUGHING]

Colin, Colin. You can
sit this one out, okay?

I am a strong and capable man.

I am a strong and capable man.

That's my mantra.

Cool.

Bro, it's been two days. Still nothing?

- No.
- Ouch, man.

Sometimes three dots appear,
but then they go away again.

- Mm.
- It's over, man. I've messed up.

Don't be negative, amigo.

There might be a good
reason she hasn't replied.

- Yeah, maybe she got hit by a bus.
- Hmm.

- Or a train?
- Mm.

It's more likely she lost interest
in the relationship.

Maybe she went back and saw
how lame these texts are.

- [CHUCKLES]
- "My favorite film's Ratatouille".

- [LAUGHING]
- Hey, listen. Okay.

It doesn't matter. I don't care
if she doesn't... Oh! Oh!

Three dots. Three dots.

[ALL GROAN]

That's a kick in the plums.

[PLAYER] Next time, man.

[GROANS]

Oh, my God. Just answer him.
It's been two days.

I don't know what to say.

How about the truth?

"I'd love to meet up,

but I'm worried that you can't live up

to the fantasy I've created in my head.

So I'm going to let my insecurities

keep me from possibly finding
my one true love".

[CHUCKLES]

His favorite film is Ratatouille.
That's worrying, right?

- Meet him.
- [SIGHS]

Who f*cking cares
what his favorite movie is?

Also, Ratatouille is a
g*dd*mn masterpiece.

Ironically, it's about snobbery

and how good art can
come from anywhere.

Stop your dithering and
go f*ck your cartoon rat.

All right. Well, what if we meet up
and it all goes wrong? Hmm?

I mean, everything always goes wrong.

All relationships are a nightmare.

My relationship is the oxygen
that gives me life.

Apart from Leslie's marriage, which is

a bloody greeting card of some kind.

[KEELEY] Hmm.

And you and Roy are just
aggravatingly perfect in every way.

Oh, thank you.

I don't know. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

It was definitely easier
when we didn't work together.

Hmm.

I just feel like we're around
each other all the time.

Wherever I go, he's my shadow.
My adorably hairy shadow, but...

- [HIGGINS HUMMING]
- [SCATTING]

- [SCATTING CONTINUES]
- What's going on?

- Why are you jazz scatting?
- Ba...

Were you talking about me?

- Yeah, we were talking about you.
- No.

- Oh, big whoop. You ready to go?
- Yeah.

- Answer him.
- [GROANS]

- Bye.
- Bye.

Two, three, four. [SCATTING]

[SCATTING]

[HIGGINS AND REBECCA CONTINUE SCATTING]

- Hello.
- Hello.

- You nearly done?
- God, no.

To-do list's as long as my arm.

What? This arm?

[KISSING]

Maybe.

Oi, that's not helping me.

All right. I'll give you your arm back.

Thank you.

I'll take your neck.

[KISSES]

[GROANS]

Seriously, I have got
a lot of work to do.

So if you're gonna be here, you need
to go sit quietly on the couch

and read your book, yeah?

[GROWLS]

[SNIFFS] Thank you.

That's not helping me either.

What? I'm doing exactly what you said.

I'm sitting quietly and reading my book.

You doing exactly what I tell you
to do is so f*cking hot.

[KNOCKING]

- Hello, Ted.
- What's up, Doc?

I'm surprised you came back.

Yeah, well, I don't quit things.

- How are you, Ted?
- I'm swell, as well as fine and dandy.

- How about you, Doc?
- I'm well.

Glad to hear it.

So, is this your first
time doing therapy?

No, ma'am. My wife and I did
couple's therapy for a little while.

How was that?

Well, let's see.

I'm here in London,
and my wife is back in Kansas,

which is a good thing
'cause if she heard me

referring to her as my wife still,

she'd be hopping mad.

How long these little chats you do take?

Sessions typically last minutes.

Hmm, okay. But you charge
by the hour, right?

- That's correct.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

I take it you're not a fan
of this kind of work?

No, ma'am.

Why's that, do you think?

You want the truth?

I'm only interested in the truth, Ted.

Hmm.

'Cause I think it's bullshit.

You don't know me.
We don't have history.

And yet you just expect me
to spill my guts

about all the gory details of my life.

The fights, the mistakes,
my deep dark secrets.

But you ain't listening
'cause you care about me.

No. No, you're only listening to me

'cause you're paid to listen to me.

You're getting paid to just
jot down your little notes

and diagnose my tears.

And then what? Probably just
blame it on my folks, right?

I mean, you say you're only
interested in the truth.

And yet here you are,

charging an hourly rate
for only minutes of work.

Like I said, it's bullshit.

[SIGHS]

- Oh, hey.
- Nathan.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

- Sorry. Ah.
- Sorry, Sam.

Ms. Welton. Hi.

- Call me Rebecca.
- Rebecca. Rebecca, sorry.

- [CHUCKLES]
- These machines, huh?

We've never been so connected,
yet never further apart.

Is that what you were gonna say?

- Yes. Yes, it was.
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]

- All right. Um... Have a good day.
- Right. Uh, I'll see you later.

- You too. Bye.
- [CHUCKLES] See you, Sam.

Um... [CLICKS TONGUE] Yes.

Hello. [SINGSONGY] Your
new pens have arrived.

I'll just leave 'em here.

Yeah, all right.

'Kay.

Sorry. Didn't see you there, Colin.

- It's the camouflage. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Nate, wonder if I could
have a quick word?

Yeah, go for it.

I just wondered... Well, I was wondering

if I'd done anything to annoy you.

[SIGHS]

It's just because I felt like you got

angry at me for taking
the piss yesterday,

but Dani and Jamie did the same thing,

and you didn't get mad at them.

Oh, yeah, I can... Yeah.
No, I can explain that.

Um, you see, Jamie and Dani
are like Picasso and Gauguin.

Pedophiles?

Artists. They're artists.

And, uh, Colin, you paint too, but, um,

your work doesn't end up in museums.

It hangs at...

Well, you're like a painting
at a Holiday Inn, you know?

You don't inspire.
You don't move people.

You're there. You cover a bloodstain.

You do the job, so... just do the job.

All right?

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

Oh, it's you. [CHUCKLES]

Hi.

Hey, I thought you quit smoking.

What? Oh, I have. This is just
covering up the smell of the boots.

- Oh, that's smart.
- [CHUCKLES]

Then why you in here?

I just needed some space.

Mmm.

I knew you'd be in here.

[SIGHS] This is the room where Keeley

and I decided that
smoking doesn't count.

Mmm.

Busted.

- I did also need some space.
- Space from what?

Roy. He's sitting in my office
reading Da Vinci Code.

He keeps muttering on about
the Knights Templar.

[WHISTLING]

Sorry, I just came to the boot
room to get some... boots.

- [COUGHS]
- Knock yourself out.

Thank you.

Look, I think Roy is the cat's
pajamas. I do. You know that.

It's just sometimes I need
a moment to myself, you know?

Keeley, stop auditioning
your complaints.

Right. Thank you.

Just tell the person who can
actually do something about it.

Well, I don't know, boss. Sometimes
it's good to bottle things up.

That's how we get, you know, pickles.

- And vodka.
- Extra virgin olive oil.

- And messages.
- What?

- In bottles.
- Oh, right.

Oi, Will, do you think you could
take me name off me shirt

and then put it back on but bigger?

The f*ck?

- They're talking about Roy.
- What?

- Ah, sorry.
- Grumpy old twat.

I agree with the grumpy part,

but the other two words
I take umbrage with.

Roy is none of those things.
He's perfect.

And I should know because I spend
every minute of every second

of every hour of every day
with him, all right?

Right, just tell him that you...

Hi, babe.

You talking about me?

- [ALL] Yes.
- Definitely.

- Ready to go?
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Adios, muchachos.

- How you doing?
- [ROY] Hey.

[ROY] The Knights Templar business
is f*cking with my head.

[TED] Hmm.

[WOMAN ON TV] Because
your sh*t is lying around.

You got more sh*t lying
around than I got.

What? Look at this place!

It's loaded with
your sh*t. Just... Ju...

Just look at this bathroom!
Look at all your sh*t...

What's up?

- What's up?
- What's going on?

I'm just watching Sex and the City.

- Ah.
- What are you, a crazy bag man?

They're different smells.

Well, enjoy. I'm gonna read.

Cool.

Wait a minute. You use Rogaine?
I didn't know you needed...

[AIDAN] It's preventative.

- Is your hair falling out?
- I don't wanna talk about it!

[CARRIE NARRATING] It
seems it's not only women

who have secret single behavior.

This is my stuff! Don't be
going through my stuff.

[CARRIE] You were more than
happy to go through my stuff.

No way.

[IMITATES expl*si*n]

I don't 'always do' anything.
And I have let you in.

You can't put it down 'cause
the chapters are so short.

[CARRIE] Oh, shut up.

- Shut up?
- Yes. Shut up.

[AIDAN] You're telling me to shut up?

Oh, my God.

Please, just shut up!

This geezer wears like a spiked
belt around his thigh...

f*cking hell, Roy!

What? Do you want me to read it to you?


No. I... No, I just wanna
watch my TV show,

and you're rucking ruining
it for me! [SIGHS]

Whoa.

I just need some time without
you reading or turning me on

or just f*cking being
there all the time!

You don't want me to turn you on?

No! I... Yes, I do, sometimes.
Just not all the time.

Sometimes I need to be by myself.

Wait, is this what you've been
talking to everyone about?

Yeah. But you don't care.

I didn't when I thought
it was the usual stuff

like gossip or how much hair
I leave in the drain.

It is a lot of f*cking hair.

You've been making out to everyone
like I'm following you around

like a needy, clingy
f*cking fridge magnet.

I... I'm an idiot.

Oh, f*ck this!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Ah, sh*t. [SNIFFS]

[PUNDIT ] And surprise hero of the
week, assistant coach Nate Shelley

with a heroically ballsy
late-in-the-game strategy

that put Richmond into the semis.

[PUNDIT ] We can all agree,

the Wonder Kid should be
managing his own team.

[PUNDIT ] Savage instincts,
and if I may say, an excellent serve...

Oh... God. Oh. Wow.

Whew.

It's you. Sorry.

You were rude to Colin.

Not just rude. It was
personal and weird.

Um...

No, you're absolutely right,
um... [SWALLOWS]

Did you tell Ted?

No. This is just between me and you.

Okay.

Do better.

The door is behind you.

Yeah.

Wait, this is my...

Hi.

I had porridge for breakfast.
Thanks for asking.

"Oh, how was it?" That's a
great follow-up question, babe.

It was too hot and, honestly,
it was too thick,

so burnt my tongue on it
and I almost choked to death.

Not a good morning so far.

[KNOCKING]

Hello, Ted.

I thought you'd be back.

Really? Why's that?

You said you never quit.

Can I be honest with you
about something?

What? I got a boogie in my 'stache?

[SIGHS]

No... I'm kidding. Sorry, go ahead.

I was quite offended by what you
said about my profession...

that just 'cause
a therapist is being paid,

they don't actually care.

Let me ask you something.
Would you coach for free?

Yeah, I would.

But do you?

No, ma'am.

And yet you care about
your players, right?

Yes, ma'am.

Then why would you assume
it's not the same for me?

I don't assume that all coaches
are macho dickheads.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, it's a good point.

Consider me dunked on.

And look, I'm... I'm really
sorry about that, you know.

Getting all worked up and saying stuff
like that, then storming outta here.

It happens.

Self-care can be scary.

Fight or flight is a natural response.
You just happened to do both.

Impressive range really.

Yeah, well, watch your
back, Glenn Close.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So you think I'm scared, huh?

Yes, I do.

Yeah.

Maybe I don't wanna learn the truth.

Ted, the truth will set you free.

But first, it'll piss you off.

Well, then maybe your new nickname
should be "The Truth".

Well, I can't be your mentor without
occasionally being your tormentor.

Ooh, I like that.

I knew you would.

Let's get started, shall we?

Yes, ma'am.

That's right, gentlemen. Big deep
breaths while you stretch.

You wanna get that sweet O
all the way down to your prostate.

And, hey, remember to focus
on the here and now.

Living in the moment, it's a gift.

That's why they call it the present.

- [PLAYERS CHUCKLE]
- Yes.

Okay, before we get started,

Coach Nate, you wanted to say something?

- Oh, yes, please. Thank you, Ted.
- Have at it, Jessica Rabbit.

Yeah. Oi, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
... thank you, um...

I just wanted, before we
started, just to, um...

Well, basically, I just wanted
to make an apology.

Uh, Colin, um,

yesterday I was a bit of
a, uh, you know, uh...

- assh*le?
- Prick?

Cock?

Wounded butterfly.

Yes. I was a cocky, prickish,
wounded butterfly's assh*le, um...

but I... I really am sorry, and
it... it won't happen again, so...

- It's all good, boyo.
- Oh, all right then. [CHUCKLES]

- [ALL] Aw.
- That's good.

- All right.
- [PLAYER] Come here.

- [NATHAN] Okay.
- Did I miss something?

- [NATHAN] Okay. Yeah. All right.
- [CHATTERING]

Anything I need to address?

[NATHAN] Ow!

Well, like I always say,
sometimes the best stew

is the one you leave sitting
on the stove overnight

'cause you fell asleep watching
Citizen Kane after too many beers.

[NATHAN] I know, Colin. I know.

[TED] All right, fellas! Hey!
So here's the plan today.

Peas and carrots, you're
going with Coach Roy.

Rest of you beef chunks are coming
with me. Let's go to work.

What?

Starters with Roy, reserves with Coach.

- [ALL] Right.
- Oh.

Just say that then.
Do you know what I mean?

Here Richard, Richard! Richard!

[GRUNTS]

[ROY] Whistle!

Oi! I said, "Whistle!"

Roy, why don't you just
use an actual whistle?

I told you, my lips are sensitive
to impure metals

and whistles give me mouth hives.

Jamie, what the f*ck were you doing?

Richard loses his man,
gets into the box,

and you run the other way?

I was pulling my defender
out of his path.

He's your teammate.

He needs you to come to
the ball and support him.

You all got that?

Um...

respectfully, Coach, that ain't
what he needs from me.

He needs me to give him space.

What'd you say?

The best thing I can do in that
situation is give him space.

He's right, actually.

- Yeah, I know. I learned it from Pep.
- He got it from "Cruijff".

- Pronounced "Cruyff".
- Okay, Englishman.

Look, whatever. The point is that
Richard doesn't need me to crowd him.

And since he's me teammate,

I should trust him
to do what's best, right?

f*ck!

I didn't say nothing bad this time.

- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [WHISTLING]

- Oh! There he is, there he is!
- [CHEERING]

Coach Nate, we have a gift for you.

Yeah. Good thing you apologized,
otherwise this would be awkward.

[PLAYERS LAUGH]

[LAUGHING, CHEERING]

"Wonder Kid".

I mean, because of you saying that
instead of "wunderkind",

which is the proper pronunciation.

- Wow. [CHUCKLES]
- It was Will's idea.

[DANI] Hey.

Was it?

Well, you know, it's a pretty
awesome nickname, so cheers.

[ALL] Cheers.

Oh, no, thank you. Um... I mean,
I did say wunderkind, but...

Uh...

But, Will, this is great.
It's really funny.

- It's good, man.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

"If music be the food of love, play on.

Give me excess of it".

If that's your fancy way of asking

if I want another one,
you guessed right.

[MAE] Thought so.

Bear with me. I'll be out
in two seconds. Cheers.

Of all the pub joints.

Trent Crimm of the Independent.
To what do I owe the pleasure?

I was just having a bite
to eat, you know?

But as we're here, I would love
to get an official statement

about your early departure
from the Spurs match.

An official statement? Oh.

Well, I thought folks knew
I had food poisoning.

- Ahem.
- Not from here.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, yeah. They do. But, uh,

I'd love a personal quote, if possible.

Okay, um, well, I had food poisoning.

And because I respect
your readers so much,

I'll leave out all the specific
nastiness that occurred.

- Yeah.
- But I'm fit as a fiddle now.

So you had food poisoning
and you are fit as a fiddle now...

Exactamundo, Dikembe Mutombo.

Love our chats.

Thank you, Mae.

My pleasure, darling.

Oh, sh*t.

Roy?

Hi.

Hi.

Are you leaving?

What?

No.

[KEELEY CHUCKLES]

- Hey, Siri.
- [DEVICE CHIMES]

Play the "Roy is sorry for not
understanding Keeley" playlist.

["BY YOUR SIDE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

I stole those roses from
your neighbor's garden.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Ripped them to shreds.

And that...

that's Phoebe's light, so I'm
gonna have to give that back

or I'm gonna get it in the neck.

And that, that's a foot
scrubber or something.

The woman said it's good
if you've got gross feet.

What? You think I've got gross feet?

Babe, I think you're the cat's pajamas,

but your feet are a f*cking state.

[CHUCKLES]

But who am I to judge?

I found so much of my
hair down the drain,

it looked like a rat had got trapped
and f*cking drowned.

[SOFTLY] Oh, my God.

Now, you are not gonna see or
hear me for at least three hours.

Thank you.

[ROY EXHALES]

[MUSIC FADES]

[WILL WHISTLES]

[WHISTLING CONTINUES]

["I FEEL FREE" PLAYING]

[NATHAN] If you ever do anything
to humiliate me again,

I'll make your life a f*cking misery.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Post Reply