15x04 - T.M.I.

[bunniefuu]

"T.M.I."

And so then, and so then it turns out
the Terminator secretly had a kid,

ten years ago, meaning Terminator
could be his own father,

and then Skeletor gets angry
and wants to fight him!

No, dude, that's not the trailer for
Terminator five, that really happened.

Skeletor's real?

No, dude, that's not Skeletor,
that's Terminator's wife.

Skeletor's a lady?

God dammit!

Who the f*ck do they think they are?

This is the last f*cking straw!

I am going to f*cking k*ll everybody!

Hey, Eric!

I am so sick of this f*cking schooooool!

This stupid school and its stupid
principal have gone too far this time!

You get in trouble again, Cartman?

No! I didn't do a damn thing.

Nothing!

I told you this school
is a den of snakes!

You're not gonna believe what
they did this time, you guys!

Dude, we're just trying to eat.

Oh, you think I'm just
over reacting again, huh.

No, not this time!

The school has gone too far and it
affects each and every one of you!

You remember the school
physical we all took last week?

Yeah.

Well, the school put the
sizes of all our penises

up on a big chart in the school hallway!

No, they didn't.

Yeah, they f*cking did, Kyle!

Dude, why would the school put
up the sizes of our wieners?

Because they don't f*cking care!

I've told you this!

They don't give a sh*t about the students
and they live to make us miserable!

That doesn't make any sense.

Go look for yourselves!

There, you see?

Can you f*cking believe it?

Is that really all our wiener sizes?

Yeah, dude! Look at it!

It says right there.
Eric Cartman 1.2 inches.

but don't put me on blast!

Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches.

Yeah, that's about right.

Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches.

Is that good?

How big do they say mine is?

I told you the students
would be interested in

how much they grew since
their last physical.

You're right, they really
seem into it, mkay.

Wait, it says mine's only 2.1 inches.

That doesn't seem right.

No sh*t, Sherlock!

My d*ck isn't 1.4 inches either.

It isn't.

This is another conspiracy
by the school faculty!

A conspiracy?

They're trying to stir
up some big thing again!

Get all the girls all
heated up and freaking out

over with boy has the biggest shlong!

This has to be dealt with!

Well everyone's already seen it.

Nothing we can do about it now.

Oh, there's something we can
do about it, all right.

If they're gonna put us on blast,

they are at least getting
the numbers right.

We are going to re-measure!

All right.

Clyde Donovan, 2.3 inches.

You see witnesses?

That's.2 inches more than
what the school said.

All right.

Nice one, Clyde.

All right, next.

Whip it out, butters.

Ooh, it's a little chilly in here.

All right, butters, let's see
what you got going on down there.

Hey, wait, the cold is
makin' it shrink some.

Where you goin' little feller?

Butters, I don't have time for this.

I can't wait if your wiener
is pullin' a scared turtle.

Hang on, he's comin' back out.

There he is!

Who's a little guy.

All right, butters.

Looks like we have 2 point
-- wow -- 2.4 inches.

Really nice, butters.

I'm hung like a horse!

All right, that's everybody!

Let's go post these numbers!

What?

Didn't you forget something?

What, Kyle?

You measured everyone's
wiener except for yours.

I measured mine this morning. See?

It's right here at the top.

13.7 inches?

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Your wiener is not thirteen inches long!

You made everyone else get
measured with witnesses.

You have to too.

Well, what are you guys gonna do,

use a tape measure and
measure my penis yourselves?

Are you h*m*?

You just did that to everybody in class!

Okay, fine, whatever.

Go ahead!

Yeah, that's good.
A little higher on Craig's side.

Yeah.

Actual boy's penis sizes?

Gross!

You see?

My wiener isn't 1.2 inches, it's 1.4!

What red?

You all freakin' out because my wiener
is smaller than the other guys?

I don't care!

Clearly I'm very happy with
the size of my wiener,

or else why would I have
called for a new measurement

and for this poster to be put up at all?

Don't forget that this was all my idea!

Eric Cartman to the principal's office.
Immediately.

Oh God dammit!

Let me guess, I'm in trouble again!

You're darn right, Eric.

For what?

Why did you measure all the
boy students' penis sizes

and put the results on the
school bulletin board?

Why did you measure our penis sizes

and put the results on the
school bulletin board?

What?

I don't care if Obama is president!

You don't go around putting
little boys on blast,

telling the whole world
lengths of their dicks!

Wait.

Are you talking about the numbers we
published Tuesday from the physicals?

You're damn right!

1.2 inches!

I'll have you know that my penis
is a respectable 1.4 inches!

Maybe it's still the
smallest in the school,

but it's point two inches
bigger that you said!

The numbers we put up were
height differentials!

What?

We thought it would be fun to
put up how much each student

has grown in height since
their physical last year.

You grew 1.2 inches.

Those weren't our d*ck sizes?

Why would we publish the length
of our students' private parts?

I don't know, why would you?

We didn't!

Aw, crap!

You mean everyone knows
my wiener is smaller

than everyone else's because of me?

This is exactly the kind of thing
we are always talking about Eric.

You get angry about
something, you don't think,

and you cause bad things to happen.

This time, you've done it to yourself!

Oh God.

Why couldn't I have just taken
a minute to think about it.

Because you have an anger problem, Eric.

No, I don't!

What we need to figure out here,

is are we dealing with maybe a little
bipolarism, some rage addiction.

It could be a lot of things.

My little sunshine has
a temper sometimes,

but he's not all bad.

Let's try a little experiment.

I want to see what kind of
things trigger you, Eric, okay?

How do you think you would react if I
said some negative things about you?

Honestly I wouldn't really care.

What if I were to tell you
that I think you're fat?

I think you're a fat little boy.

I think you're way too fat for your age.

Does that make you feel any anger?

Huh, fatty?

Jelly belly?

You got jelly in your belly
you little fat [Bleep].

You get a little flash of
anger when someone tells you

you got tits like a forty
year old woman, fat boy?

You like that?
Shitty titty jelly belly?

Oh, yeah, he's a big boy!

Get that fatty some
mud flaps for his ass.

Big ol' jiggly fatty butt!

Huh.

Well, I just don't see it, Ms. Cartman.

Your son doesn't seem to be
triggered by anger at all.

In fact, I'd say he's one of the more
even tempered children I've ever seen.

Sorry, doctor.
Your wife's on the phone.

Says it's an emergency.

Excuse me.

Carol, what --

whoa, calm down, honey.

What do you mean?

Web chat with what--

what fourteen year old girl?

Carol, I would never!

No, I don't have a criminal record!

Who is Mitch Conner?

There can't be an official police
report, honey, there's no --

no, Carol put down the g*n!
Sweetie, put down the --

Carol? Carol?

I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Thank you for coming parents,

we've called you in because we have had
a little 'incident' at the school.

The fourth grade boys
measured their penises

and posted results in
the school hallway.

Oh dear.

Now, we realize this issue
can have a troubling affect

that can get blown out of proportion.

Did they measure from the
base or from the balls?

How does the school let
things like this happen?

Now, now, boys' fascination with
their genitalia is a natural thing.

We simply need to find a way to help the
students understand what they've done.

I'm a scientist.

I think it's best I handle this.

Hello, students,
my name is doctor marsh,

and I'm gonna talk to
you a little bit about

what happened at the school yesterday.

How do a man and woman make a baby?

Anybody.

A man and a woman, what do
they do to make a baby?

How about the little
girl in the brown coat.

Yeah, you.

They have sex.

Good!

The man puts his penis, okay,

into the woman's vag*na.

Okay, now sometimes,

a man can feel like how long his
penis is is actually important.

But is it?

When you boys measured your penis length

the truth is it doesn't really matter.

What does matter is --

length times diameter
plus weight over girth

divided by angle of the tip squared.
Okay?

When we are talking about penis size,

we can't just use a tape measure.

We need a scale,
and a protractor as well.

Let's look at it on the graph here.

Follow along with me on
your study sheet, kids.

I want to congratulate all of you

for making the effort to come
to anger management class.

We didn't make any effort.

We didn't have a choice!

Yeah, this is bullshit!

Together, we are going to learn
what makes us angry, okay,

and how to better deal with it

so we don't get our ourselves
into trouble a anymore.

So lame.
Why doesn't everyone just die.

Look!

If a somebody order the city beef,

and a complain because they say
they ordered the city s shrimp

it's not a my fault

he gets a city chicken
poured all over his head!

We have good reason to be angry!

This country is going to sh*t!

We have exactly twelve days

before the oil is gone

and our president is a socialist
who wasn't even born in America!

Right. See, what we all need to do is

channel our various reasons for anger

and learn to control it.

Man, this sh*t is whack, mah.

I just seen all this sh*t front in, mah.

Don't understand what it's like my pops.

Ain't no mother good,

mah, bitch be coming.

I be tappin that sh*t, mah.

Why am I here?

Well, Eric, because I know you
want to control your anger

and become a better person.

You saying I got problems
like these people?

No! No, I'm not saying that at all.

Please, I'm just saying
how amazing you are

for wanting to lessen some of your
more less awesome attributes.

Oh, that's cool.

And so, by dividing the weight

and the girth of the penis
by the angle or the --

what do we call it again?

The yaw, the yaw of the shaft,

what we finally get is the
adjusted penis size or t.M.I.

Any questions so far?

Yes, little girl over there.

What's a penis?

Ah, good question.

Uh, the penis, is the thing
we are talking about

that boys' have that we're measuring.

Okay. Any other questions?

Okay. So then let's move on to
the example on your study sheet.

How about you, could you read the
first example for the class?

Example one, young lady,

please read the problem out loud.

Example one: 'Randy' has a penis
that is 4.4 inches in length.

4.4 inches.

Its angle is 32 degrees.

Its flaccid girth is 1 inch in diameter.

His balls are 7
centimeters from the base.

Seven centimeters.

Randy notes that the drift of his
penis is 4 centimeters to penis right

and its dead weight is.5 kilograms.

Great. And so, divide by the 17,

carry the one and we can see that
'Randy's' adjusted penis size,

or TMI, is 6.3 inches.

Do we got that?

Randy's length is 4.4 inches,

but his adjusted length is 6.3.

So how does our example person 'Randy'
compare to others on the TMI scale?

By referring again to the TMI chart,

we see that a TMI of 6.3 is.
8 inches more than the national average.

Okay. What we're going to do now is
get to the root of all your anger.

Daniel, could you stand up, please.

What makes you the angriest, Daniel?

Stupid ass blind liberals!

Okay, great.

Chase, could you stand up and pretend
to be a stupid ass blind liberal.

And what makes you angriest, chase?

Skrawny ass sissies!

Okay, Daniel is a skrawny ass sissy.

He just cut in front of
you in line at the bank.

Go!

Hey!

What, you think, I got a small d*ck?

Huh?

I don't have a small penis!

My wife thinks my penis
is perfectly fine!

Okay.

Uh, why don't we do some role
playing now with Wayne d

who gets angriest at his mom.

Gretchen, could you play
Wayne d's mom for us.

You bitch!

You think you bad

just cuz you a mom don't mean I won't
put a cap in your ass, bitch, mah!

I may be female on the outside but I
still have a bigger penis than you!

Don't say that!

It isn't true!

It isn't true!

That's enough!

I'm sick of everyone talking
about a penis size!

Yeah, it doesn't matter!

It doesn't matter!

Does everyone here have an
issue with their penis size?

No. Nope.

Not me.

Nah mah, my sh*t be packin', mah.

My penis is thirteen inches long!

Kids, my name is Rebecca Turnoud

and I'm an actual doctor of
human sexuality and behavior.

Unfortunately,

you have been taught some very wrong
ideas in the past couple of days

and I am here to set things straight.

Thank God.

I want you to try and
forget these wild theories

and understand that all that's important

when it comes to a man
and a woman making love

is actually length times girth

over angle of the shaft
divided by mass over width.

Vous ?tes un menteur!

We all want to welcome
our new member, Randy.

Say hi to everyone, Randy.

Oh suck it, all of you!

Now, we've all been trying
to channel our anger

in more constructive ways, Randy.

Why don't you share
what's bothering you.

You don't just go around changing math.

Who the hell is this chick surgeon
general appointed by Obama?

God damn right!

Socialist fascists!

Power to the people!

Burn it down!

Burn it down!

Mr. Marsh, this is what we are
here to try and work on, okay.

No dude, we're burnin' this sh*t!

If you take a minute to
think about your anger --

yeah, dude!

Mah, that sh*t be burnin n sh*t mah!

Welcome to FedEx, how
can I help you today?

Yes, I've got some birthday
presents I need shipped.

Alright, let's see what kind of --

burn it down!

Burn it down, dude!

Let's see how the American
government likes it

when we shut down their federal express!

Tom, I'm standing outside the
FedEx in Fairplay, Colorado

where a radical political group
has taken several people hostage.

They call themselves 'the
pissed off and angry party'

and they allowed me to speak
with them moments ago.

This is a call to all angry people!

We've had enough!

We're gonna hit the
government where it hurts!

Right in the federal express!

What exactly are you angry about?

We're angry about this
stupid liberal government

and fascist lies, media control, and --

and Jews!

Yeah, and Jews and all the stuff
that the government's doing!

You've got a lot of people scared.

What are your demands?

Well, first of all, we want that
surgeon general to step down!

And we want -- and we wanna see
Obama's real birth certificate!

Yeah. We wanna see Obama's
real birth certificate!

And, uhmm --

and my mom gotta stop trippin mah.

Bitch be trippin' all the time, mah!

Yeah, we want our mom's
to stop trippin, man,

cuz them b*tches be
trippin all the time!

And I think that --

is that it?

No, and Kyle!

Oh, yeah and Kyle!

Surgeon general's resignation,

Obama's real birth certificate,

mom's to stop trippin and Kyle.

You got that?

Or else we're gonna bring the
federal express to a grinding halt!

Does it bother you that the federal
express is not affiliated at all

with the federal government?

No!

No, that doesn't matter.

Really?

Butters, what are you doing?

Homework!

I just don't get it!

That is the fourth time I've calculated!

And it's below average!

I thought I was hung, but according
to my TMI I have a micropenis!

Your TMI?

I don't understand it.

I'm startin' -- I'm
startin to feel angry!

Butters, put your clothes on!

Oh, what's the point, mom?

What's the point of life anyways?

All you do is yell at me!

And the government!

It's lead by fascists!

And everyone's a Justin Bieber wanna be!

I wanna go and drive a hummer.

That's what I wanna do!

I wanna drive a car that
goes vram vram vram!

Butters, what does driving a car have
to do with your penis being small?

Hey! Everyone who's pissed off and
angry is rallying to take down America!

Join the fight!

We're gonna take down
the federal expresses!

The American apparels!

And the American furniture warehouse!

We are fed up and we've had enough!

Surgeon general, twelve more
FedExs have been taken over,

the pissed off and angry party
is gaining more support.

They've shut down American airlines

and American apparels
all over the country.

We have to ask you to step down.

Are you seriously saying

we're going to give into their demands?

They are all really angry.

We have to make them stop.

Is the team standing by to
that little boy 'Kyle'?

Team is standing by, sir.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Let me through!

Who is this?

Surgeon general, I believe I
know why this is happening.

I have found a direct correlation
between anger and TMI.

Anger equals length times width

over mass squared minus angle
of the shaft plus yaw.

Look, we all get angry, but when
someone is consistently angry,

or always finding new
reasons to be angry

it means they have a very,
very, very, very small d*ck.

Your theory is fine, doctor,

but it doesn't matter.

The TMI equation is true solid
science, which cannot be changed.

There's nothing we can do about it.

Isn't there?

Isn't there?

We've waited long enough, Randy!

Let's start k*lling
these sons a b*tches!

No, please!

Yeah, dude, they aren't
gonna give us what we want.

Yo, let's cap these b*tches, mah.

Let's cap 'em 'n leave 'em in
the back a the buildin', mah.

Hey, come over here!

Look!

We interrupt this newscast for an important
message from the surgeon general.

Fellow Americans, as you
all know the TMI scale was

implemented long ago to assure
that each and every American

could accurately measure their junk.

The established equation
is 100 percent accurate.

However, due to recently collected
data we are making one change.

The national average for penis
length is now officially moved,

from six inches to 1.5 inches.

Anyone with a TMI of over 1.5 inches
is considered 'above average.'

The winds of change are blowin'.

There's excitement in the air.

Can you feel it?

It's electric and magical

the happy train's on track
because America is back.

Come on!

Wait, what?

America is back!

America is back!

Wait, according to that scale,

I still have a small wiener.

America is back!

I'm still f*cking angry!

And we're back!