15x08 - Ass Burgers

[bunniefuu]

That's funny. I like that!

Big Harry and Mike in the morning

talking about the new hit movie... .

It's a great comedy.

It's starring... and .

I saw the movie last night, Big Harry,

and it made me laugh so hard!

This movie is about a...

Who's suddenly all like... .

Oh, that's funny. That's real funny.

Big Harry and Mike in the morning.

We'll talk more about it, but let's get to some music.

The new tween wave band...

With their song... .

Coming this fall to Fox/CBS/FX,

Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show!

Dinosaurs.

Lost humans.

Future, yeah. .

Stanley, eat your waffles.

Oh, shut up, Cartman.

You don't even know what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah? I saw it on the news, Kyle.

The school is gonna make us all get sh*ts again,

but this time, it's so that we don't get warts in our vaginas.

- Are you serious?
- Yep.

That's only a vaccination for girls, stupid.

Then why are they saying that getting vaccinated at school

is gonna make us all Ret*rded?

Because some people think vaccinations

can give you autism or Asperger's.

Wait. What?

That's what they're talking about on the news.

Wait. There's a disease called ass burgers?

- Yes!
- You are so lying!

There is no disease called f*cking ass burgers.

You want to bet? Let's go ask my dad right now.

Okay, you're on, Jew!

And so, children, at noon today,

all the girls will go to the gymnasium

for their vaccinations,

and boys will head on out to recess.

Do the girls get their sh*ts right in the vag*na?

No, Butters, that's not how it works.

Mr. Garrison, these three boys

were caught playing hooky.

Did you guys know

there's actually a disease called ass burgers?

Sit down, boys. We'll talk about this later.

Right now, we're talking about vaginal warts.

This isn't fair!

How can the school make us get vaccinated?

You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole?

That's right. It's a butt fungus.

I don't want burgers coming out of my butt.

God, shut up!

Everyone, just shut the f*ck up!

Okay, Stan, you got to try

and pull yourself out of this, mkay?

I know that your parents recently got divorced, mkay.

That's got to be hard.

I know that... that's bad.

But when you walk around all mopey, mkay,

and saying everything is just shitty,

well, that's called being a Debbie Downer, Stan.

And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, mkay?

I mean, you got to-

you got to snap out of it, Debbie.

Come on, Deb, you're even bumming me out now, mkay?

Your attitude just... just sucks.

I just want everything to go back to the way it was.

Okay, well, that's not gonna happen, Debbie.

Okay, you know, life has to change, mkay?

How?

When all the things that made you laugh just make you sick,

how do you go on when nothing makes you happy?

Huh. Excuse me a minute, Stan, mkay?

Uh, hi, Miss Bronski?

Did we vaccinate Stan Marsh for the flu last year?

We did?

Uh-oh.

I think he's got Asperger's.

This is breaking news from CNN...

or Fox or whatever.

f*ck you.

The first documented case of a child

developing Asperger's syndrome

from school vaccinations

has put the government in a tight spot.

As press conference today, the media heard

from the young boy's father, Steamy Ray Vaughn.

It's pretty shitty

when you work so hard to be a great parent

and then the government comes along

and, with one sh*t, turns your child

into a mentally incapacitated freak!

I mean, look at him!

He's disinterested, depressed, self-loathing.

It's most likely the reason

his mother and I got divorced.

In response to the embarrassment,

the president of the United States

has passed Stan's Bill,

putting an end to mandated school vaccinations.

Mr. President, the bill ready.

Just sign right here, Mr. President.

And if you could just sign this one as well, Mr. President.

It is yet unknown if any other children

have contracted Asperger's from the vaccinations,

but if so, multimillion-dollar lawsuits

are probably not far behind.

* Turn on your heart light *

* Let it shine wherever you go *

* Let it make a happy glow *

Eric, what is it this time?

Fever, light... light-headedness.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

You don't feel warm.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought maybe I had a fever, but I... - oh, oh, my buns!

There's a sharp pain in my buns!

Can you lay on your stomach?

I'll try. I'll try.

What the-

What is this, a hamburger?

A what?

Why are there hamburgers in your underwear?

Are you serious? How could there be-

Oh, my God!

You're saying I have ass burgers?

This doesn't make sense.

Are you trying to sneak food into the school or something?

What are you talking about?

I got vaccinated from the school,

and now clearly I have ass burgers.

Very funny.

Well, I'm glad you think ass burgers is funny.

Just note my condition on your records there.

Get out of my office.

Hey, Kyle, have you heard anything at all from Stan?

I've tried, Wendy.

I've called him. I've been to his house.

But since his diagnosis,

all he's done is gotten worse.

I don't know what to do.

It's like he's completely turned off.

Those two should just screw and get it over with.

Yeah.

I can't keep doing it, Wendy.

I know he has an illness, but g*dd*mn.

It's like being around a black hole

that just sucks the life out of everything.

Look, maybe what we should do

is all go over to his house together.

- That way we could-
- No, I can't, Wendy.

All his negativity is starting to make me depressed.

I have to let him go.

And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace

with a totally positive attitude.

g*dd*mn stupid school nurse! Heartless bitch!

What's the matter, dude?

I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing!

That's what's the matter!

You made hamburgers? That's awesome.

I'd love one.

Mmm! Hmm, wow!

This is really good, Cartman.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey, Riley, try this hamburger.

Cartman made them himself.

Wow! What is that?

Seriously, Cartman, you could make money with these.

Gee, thanks, Kyle.

The truth is, we still know very little

about Asperger's syndrome, Mrs. Marsh.

All our patients here show the same

social awkwardness that your son exhibits.

Good morning, Mr. Mathers.

Good-bye... Doctor.

It's as if they all have an inability

to distinguish from what is socially acceptable

and what is not.

We've got a new patient, Martin.

I want to you meet Stan.

Nice to meet you.

Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness.

Asperger's is serious,

but unfortunately, because of its name,

people think it's a disease to be made fun of.

All right, everyone, let's have a seat.

Oh, we'll be done at about 5:00 p.m., Mrs. Marsh.

I'll call if it's any earlier.

Oh, right.

Good-bye, Stan. I love you.

All right, are we clear?

We're clear.

Watch that window, Puck.

Everyone make sure this room isn't bugged.

All right, Stan, listen up. We don't have a lot of time.

You've been told Asperger's is real. It isn't.

It's just a front that we use to stay hidden.

Wait. It's not a real illness?

Of course not!

If there was a social development disease,

you wouldn't call it "ass burgers."

That's just... that's just mean.

There's a big w*r going on out there, Stan,

and we want to you to join our fight

to bring it all down.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We're not doing this.

You've broken through their reality,

and they don't like it.

Others deserve to know the truth.

You see everything as sh*t, don't you?

Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music,

all you see and hear is sh*t.

Am I right?

Yeah.

So do we, all of us here.

We know the truth too.

We found way to make it stop, Stan.

Now, are you interested or not?

Next order, please.

Get your Cartman Burgers here, fresh and flavorful.

I just can't believe how yummy these are.

There you go, Molly. And a bag of chips.

Thanks.

How we doing on those patties, Jew?

- About three minutes, fat-ass.
- Nice.

Jeez, we're out of finished burgers again, Eric.

- We need more.
- It's all right.

I think another batch is just finishing off

in our top secret flavor enhancer.

Dude, come on, Cartman.

As employees, don't you think we should get to see

what the final secret flavor enhancer is?

I'm sorry, Kyle, but if we compromise

our final cooking process,

then our patented flavor will be everywhere,

and we'll have to go back to school.

Now, let me get those hamburgers.

All right, these are good to go.

All right, is he ready to be sent in?

He's ready.

Beta levels are normal.

Who are you people?

We're the secret society of cynics.

Everything looks like sh*t to you, right?

What if I were to tell you

that you're seeing the world the way it actually is?

Huh?

The world around us has all completely turned to sh*t,

but aliens are putting out a brain wave

that keeps most people seeing a false reality.

Aliens?

Or robots from the future. Whatever.

The point is, they need to keep everyone

in a blissful state of ignorance.

Yeah, everything used to be awesome and cool,

but now everything's gone to sh*t,

and nobody knows except us.

Yeah.

Because of aliens?

Or genetically altered humans.

Whatever. f*ck you.

All that matters is that you are the key

to bringing this whole thing down.

They know who we are, but they won't be expecting you.

Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world

you once lived in?

- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Let's send him in.

Drink this.

Ahh!

Oh, cool!

Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino?

I think Al Pacino wants to play Twister with your sister.

Adam Sandler's funny!

Hey, Kyle, you have a visitor.

Stan?

- Kyle!
- Hey, Stan.

Dude, I'm sorry.

I've been a shitty friend. I miss my buddy.

You were right.

Adam Sandler is f*cking hysterical.

Stan, are you all right?

Yeah, dude, I totally get it now.

I can see how lame I was,

saying everything was- was sh*t.

Really? Stan, that's great.

But, Kyle, It's all sh*t. For reals!

Everything's sh*t 'cause of aliens with A.I.

And you and me are gonna f*ck it all up.

Come on!

Dude, have you been drinking?

You're not listening to me, Kyle.

Dude, we have to go do this one thing,

and then everything can go back to normal.

It's too late for that.

Things just can't go back, Stan.

I'm with Cartman Burger now.

Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously?

How shitty is that f*cking concept?

See, there you go again. Look at you, dude.

Look at what you've become.

Everything all right here, Kyle?

Yeah, it's fine.

We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.

Yeah, yeah. I'll be right there.

Come on, Kyle, this is about you and me, remember?

Look, dude, things around here have changed.

Sometimes the only way to keep going

is to make a left turn.

f*ck you, Kyle! You're a piece of sh*t.

Kyle, I love you.

You're a piece of sh*t, though. f*ck you!

I love you.

Big Harry and Mike in the morning,

and in case you didn't catch last night's episode of...

, we're breaking it down.

Oh, Big Harry, when the...

Ran into the... .

Oh, no, no, how about when......

He's back.

Did you see the illusionary world again?

How did it feel to be back in the matrix?

- I feel like total sh*t.
- It's okay.

That's just your brain levels

adjusting back to the real world.

Try and focus, Stan. We've found them.

We know where the rock creatures are now.

The rock creatures?

Or aliens or A.I. Things.

Whatever. f*ck you.

Dude, I can't...

I can't do any-

He's gonna pop!

Come on, kid, wake up. There's not a lot of time left.

You're pushing him too hard!

Oh, God.

Stan, you have to convince people

they're living in a world of illusion.

We're sending you back in.

We all know why we are here.

There is a rebellion in our midst,

and it must be squashed out.

We have to put an end to Cartman Burgers.

- Yes! What do we do?
- Yes, yes!

At KFC, we've seen a 50% drop in sales.

It's worse at Pizza Hut.

Cartman Burgers choked out the market.

What makes them so good?

For whatever reason, these Cartman Burgers

satisfy the taste cravings for all of our restaurants.

There lies the secret.

It's the chemical compounds of all our flavors-

Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC-

all somehow infused into one burger.

It's as if he's somehow taking

all the ingredients of our food,

breaking them down into some kind of gas,

and then somehow infusing that gas into his hamburger.

What kind of instrument could he be using to do this?

It would have to be some kind of super Dutch oven.

But a Dutch oven with greater technology

than we've ever seen.

Ah! Ugh!

Yeah!

Hey!

Wake up! Come on, wake up!

Use the smelling salts.

Enchirito?

You know the secret?

What? You guys are aliens?

Stop playing with us!

What's the secret behind Cartman Burgers' amazing taste?

Dude, I don't know.

He's lying.

You see this kid in the picture?

This guy's his best friend.

Aha!

I'm not friends with him.

They've been through everything together.

Inseparable.

No, no, we don't hang out anymore.

Oh, right.

Like someone would just walk away

from a friendship like that.

Dude, I didn't walk away!

I turned ten, and everything he wanted to do

seemed shitty to me, so I-

Oh, sure, anyone would ditch out on their best friend

because they weren't feeling good.

Now, stop playing games

and tell us why Cartman Burgers are so delicious!

I don't know.

All right.

I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way.

There's ten mediums and five medium-rares.

All right, I'll take these to the flavor enhancer.

Next, please. Oh, hey.

Kyle, you got to tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.

What are you doing?

How do you guys make them so yummy?

I don't know.

You better get him to tell you,

or you're getting sh*t in the back of the head.

You got that?

Dude, just tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.

Why, so that we can lose our business

and everything can go back to old times?

No, because there's aliens with a sn*per chicken on me.

Oh, God.

Look, I know you got Asperger's from the school,

and I'm sorry,

but your negativity is poison to me.

Oh, right, like a friend would walk out on somebody

who was diagnosed with a serious illness.

Dude, I'm sorry that I've been bumming you out,

but it's not my fault.

You said "f*ck you" to my face, Stan.

Dude, I didn't realize what I was saying.

Oh, yeah, right,

like any friend would say something that severe

and then try to take it back.

All right, look,

I honestly don't know the secret, dude.

Only Cartman does, and that's how it's gonna work for us.

God damn it, this is getting us nowhere!

Everyone get back!

You want to play hardball? That's fine.

All right.

Let's see this mighty machine once and for all.

You vampire sons of b*tches!

All right, nice work, Stan.

Now comes the final step.

You have to take out duck president.

Just stop it!

You people are so full of sh*t!

Uh-oh, looks like the serum is wearing off.

Here, you better take some more.

No, I'm done with that!

But, Stan, you have to take down the bad guys

and go through a personal transformation

so that everything can go back to the way it was.

I don't want everything to go back to the way it was!

I-I don't.

You were right, Kyle.

Sometimes the only way to go forward

is to take a big left turn.

I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now.

I want you to stay with Cartman Burger, dude.

It's okay.

You're gonna do this, and I'm gonna do my thing,

and... my mom and dad aren't getting back together.

But you know what? It's okay.

In fact, it's better.

This change is gonna bring new things for all of us.

Where will Cartman Burger go from here?

That'll be cool to see.

And it opens me up to whole new adventures,

exploring new relationships with all new people in town.

Maybe this kid will become my new best friend.

- Or maybe this kid will.
- Wow.

Maybe it won't be like before,

but at least it'll all be new.

And that's what's gonna make it so that I can keep going.

For the first time in a long time,

I'm really excited.

Stan! Stan!

Get in the car, Stan.

Your mom and I are moving back in together.

What?

We worked it out, pal. Surprise!

No, Dad. No, no, please.

We talked a lot, and we know it's what's best for you kids

and... I don't know.

No, Mom, sometimes you got to-left turn.

People get older, Stanley.

And as you get older, you realize

the best thing to do is just stick with what you know.

* I took my love *

* I took it down *

* I climbed a mountain and I turned around *

* And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills *

* Till the landslide... *

You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?

* And if you see my reflection *

* In the snow-covered hills *

* Well, the landslide will bring it down *

* Oh *

* The landslide will bring it down *

Oh, that's good.

I like that!

Big Harry and Mike in the morning

talking about Two and a Half Men.

I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen, Mike.

Yeah, but what about that movie Dolphin Tale?

- I am psyched for that!
- Dolphin Tale!

Big Harry and Mike in the morning.

Let's hear one from the band Sledgejammer and their song-

Dude, we're gonna go see the new Zookeeper movie.

Zookeeper!

'Kay. Coming.