17x04 - Goth Kids 3: Dawn of the Posers

Episode transcripts of the TV show, "South Park." Aired August 1997 to current.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise

The misadventures of four boys who live in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado.
Post Reply

17x04 - Goth Kids 3: Dawn of the Posers

Post by bunniefuu »

Goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time

Death and sadness
everywhere

Loneliness and degradation

Goin' down to South Park,
gonna take my woes with me

- Nightmares every night

Posers spouting,
"Let's go shopping"

Heading out to South Park
'cause I cannot unwind

I like spiders,
loss, and rain

I'm only happy
when I'm in pain

So I'm goin' down
to South Park

To die, to die,
to die

"So I cast my body
into the trials of blood.

"The Kn*fe pierces deep,
deep into my lonely eyes,

so I can see this black world
no more."

Whoa.
That's pretty hard-core.

- That's real pain right there.

That's how I feel
when my mother abuses me.

I just want to escape,
so she can't hurt me anymore.

- Henrietta, sweetie!

- Shut up, Mom, go away.

Oh, but remember Daddy
wanted to talk to you

in the living room,
my dark, little princess.

- Stop calling me a princess.

I'm not a beauty queen
in a Disney movie.

We'll be waiting
in the living room.

- God, she just never stops!

Oh, goodness,
I am so nervous.

- What?
- Have a seat, Henrietta.

- Ooh, a little family chitchat.
- Shut up, Mom.

Henrietta, as you know,
your mother and I

have been concerned about
your behavior for some time.

Are we really
doing this again?

We've had
a hard time coping

with the dark things
you're into,

but we've finally
had some counseling.

And apparently,
we're not the only parents

who have a child that is "emo."
- What?

But Daddy and I
love our little muffin,

even if she's emo or not.

- I'm not a f*cking emo.

Don't you even know
the f*cking diff?

- Do you know

how your foul language
breaks your mother's heart?

Like calling Mommy
"demon jizz."

So listen, sweetie,
we've found a camp.

- No.

A camp which is
for troubled kids like you,

and you get to work outside
and learn about responsibility.

I'm not going
to any f*cking camp!

It's for two weeks,
and when you come back,

we can talk about earning back
some of your privileges.

I won't come back
because I'll be f*cking dead.

I'll walk out of that camp,
and I'll walk the streets

until I probably get picked up
and gangbanged by criminals

until I'm bleeding
out my f*cking eyes.

- They have a horseshoe pit

where you can challenge
the other kids to horseshoes!

And that's all you know?
What else did she say'?

She said that her parents
called her an emo

and she had to go
to this camp for two weeks.

Oh, my God,
for two weeks?

- Is she at the camp now?
- I don't know.

She texted from the bus
they put her on.

Then she said
she wasn't even allowed

to have her cell phone
where she was going.

Then all of a sudden,
her texts went dark.

- Whoa.
- That's f*cking creepy, man.

- I just can't believe it.

I can't believe parents
would do that to their child.

All right, now, you say that
you witnessed your friend

being abused by her parents.

Yes.
They called her an emo.

- What's wrong with that?
- Emos suck.

They're vile, self-pitying,
depressed assholes.

So why do you think
they called her that?

- Because she's goth,

and some ignorant people
don't know the difference.

- What is the difference?

Oh, my God,
they're totally different.

- Okay, different how?

They're-you know,
one is good,

and-and emos are horrible.

They're-you know,
they're posers.

- Emos suck my goth balls.

All right, all right,
think of it this way.

A goth believes that, deep down,
the world is totally f*cked up,

but an emo thinks
that deep down,

they are totally f*cked up.

That's not much
of a difference.

That's a huge f*cking
difference!

Okay, okay, look, emos
are more prone to su1c1de...

- This f*cking bitch, man.

But goths are more prone
to be depressed

that so many people
commit su1c1de.

Goths' darkness is nihilistic,
whereas emos' is cynical.

Wait, I thought
we were cynical.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.
- No, see, you're nihilistic.

- Oh, yeah, you're right.

Hello?
Somebody let me out of here.

You can't treat people
like this.

This is f*cking ridiculous!
What's wrong with you?

I'm gonna go to the f*cking cops
when I get out of here.

What if she comes back and
she's all preppy and conformist?

She's only been there
two weeks.

They can't have
changed her that much.

Can they have?

- Oh, my God.

- G

What the hell
have they done to you?

What do you mean?
They couldn't do anything.

They can't fix me.

They don't even understand me.

Oh, my God,
it's worse than we thought.

They made her emo!

Has she said one word
to either one of you guys?

Nothing. It's like she's
a totally different person.

- She won't even look at us.

All she does now is hang out
with the douche bag emo kids.

God, P.E. class is
for such wannabe posers.

I'd rather k*ll myself
than put on gym shorts.

I wish there'd just be
an earthquake,

so we could all die.

Ugh, how can she hang out
with them?

There must be something else
going on here.

Not now, Mom!
I'm suicidal.

It's not your mom,
it's me.

Oh, hey.

What did they do to you
at that camp?

- What do you mean?

Just the usual
group therapy crap.

Don't take this
the wrong way,

but I think that place
turned you into an emo.

That's ridiculous.
I'm not anything.

I don't fit in anywhere.
I'm not emo, okay?

Then why are you listening
to Sunny Day Real Estate?

I was thinking, maybe they just
made you confused at that place.

Maybe they didn't know
what they were doing.

But then I started thinking,

maybe that place turned you
emo on purpose.

Like, maybe they knew
what they were doing.

You should probably stop
digging for answers.

- What?

There's no winning this
for you.

Soon, the entire world
will be emo.

It is our time.

- No way.

- Nobody understands us,

and they won't understand
until it is far too late.

- Oh, my God, no way!

- Do not fight it, Michael.

Is being emo really all
that different from being goth?

Join us.

- No way!

No way, no way!

Death and despair!

Death and despair!
Death and despair!

Death and desp-

- Hello?

- It's worse than we thought.

- What is, everything?

- No, I mean Henrietta.

I confronted her,
and she was all like, "I am emo,

and emos are going
to rule the world."

And I was like, "No way!"

And she was like, "Yeah,
soon it will be too late."

And I was all, "No way!"
- No way.

Yeah, so listen,
call up Firkle,

and meet me at Village Inn.

I gotta run home, but
I'll be there in ten minutes.

- Michael? Michael!

Can't now, Mom,
I've got an emergency.

In the dining room, Michael.
Let's go.

Have a seat, son.

Your mom and I have decided

you're going to go away
for a little while.

- What?

We've been put in touch
with this camp

for troubled kids
like you and-

What the hell are you
talking about?

This place gonna fix you,
make you normal child!

- No, you gotta listen to me!

You don't know
what you're doing!

You f*cking conformists!

They're evil!

I never thought
it would end like this.

I never thought
that goths would

just be slowly replaced
by emos.

- Pete, if they get me,

if I get sent to that camp
and I come back emo,

k*ll me.

Promise that you'll k*ll me.

- I promise.

Hey, you kids need to order
something, or you need to go.

Not now, lady,
we're really depressed.

- So what else is new?
- This is different, okay?

Our two friends are being
body-snatched by emos!

There's only one other group
who understands emos like we do.

We're gonna have to team up
with the vampires.

- Are you crazy?
- What choice do we have?

The vampires
are our sworn enemies.

We b*at up their leader.
We b*rned down their lair.

Don't you remember?
- Yeah, I remember.

And it may be
a su1c1de mission,

but we have to walk right
into the middle of the vampires

and ask them for help.

Okay, let's all be seated,
please.

This is the noon meeting
of the vamp kids.

I am Mike, your Lord
and Dark Master, per se.

All: Hail Mike.

Okay, our main order
of business is, of course,

the Halloween social.

We're still looking
for volunteers to make the-

- It's the goth kids!

Ugh, you spit on me, Larry.

Uh, hey, everybody.

Uh, I know we aren't
on the greatest terms right now.

We realize
we called you all "queermos,"

and we're sorry we b*rned down
the Hot Topic at the mall.

- Sorry.

But, uh, we've got
a bigger problem here,

and it's all of our problem.

You've got a lot of nerve
coming here.

Yeah, shut up, Mike.
Listen, okay?

There's a camp that kids like us
are being sent to,

and somehow this place
is taking kids like us

and turning them emo.

Yeah.

You might not even be able
to tell at first.

It could've already happened.

One of you might
already be turned.

- Okay, hold up. Hold up!

You mean that one of us might
not really be a vamp kid?

- Uh, right.

- Well, whoever you is,

you better get your ass
ready to run, m*therf*cker,

'cause you a damn traitor.

And I'll bet you it's
this little n*gg*r right here.

Are you guys gonna go
to the Fall Out Boy concert?

I can't, I'm too depressed.
I keep cutting myself.

- Yeah, I'm cutting myself

to hurt this worthless body
that I'm in.

Henrietta, I baked cookies
for your new little emo friends.

Not now, Mom!
Can't you see I'm hurting?

I'm sorry
I'm such a disappointment!

Sorry I'm not the pretty
cheerleader you always wanted!

- Does she still seem better?

- Oh, much better.

She didn't call me a bitch,

and she actually apologized
to me.

- That's more like it.

- You know what we should do

after us emos
take over the earth?

We should, um,
paint the White House black,

and we should have Fall Out Boy
play at the Super Bowl.

- We're emos.

When we rule the earth,
we're not gonna have football.

- Oh, yeah.

And you say she
just showed up like this?

- You know Henrietta.

That thing in there
is not Henrietta.

That blonde emo in there
is Sarah Collins.

She was a vamp kid
two weeks ago!

You want me to go in there
and waste these m*therf*ckers?

I'll do it.

We can't just go in there
and kick their asses.

We have to stop this thing
at its source.

- Indeed.

If there is some kind
of black magic at work,

creating these monsters,
then we will have to use

our most powerful
vampiric abilities to stop it.

- Do you mean-
- Yes, my child of darkness.

We must call upon the powers

of the vamp kids'
most sacred entity, per se.

Only he can help us
in this darkest time.

This calls for a summoning.

We call upon the creator
of all that is dark,

the godfather
of death and despair.

Edgar Allan Poe,

your followers in darkness
beg for your help.

We summon to the world
of the living

the great Edgar Allan Poe,
knower of all that is misery.

Your children need
special guidance, per se.

- This is your plan?

Try to summon Edgar Allan Poe
back from the dead?

Edgar Allan Poe
was the original vamp kid.

- No, he was the original goth,

but he's been dead
for 150 years.

Hey, look, man, all genres
of gothic subcultures

are derivatives of Poe's work...
m*therf*cker.

Look, we came to you
for help,

and all you've done since then
is waste our time.

- Holy sh*t, look!

Where am I?
What is this place?

It's him!
It's Edgar Allan Poe.

Why have the living
summoned me from my rest?

- Uh, okay, okay, listen,

there's this camp
for troubled kids, right?

Only they aren't helping kids,

they're purposely turning them
into emos.

Emos? Ew, my God, emos are
such wannabe conformists.

- Yeah, oh, yes.
- Right?

Children of darkness,
I would help you,

but I fear I cannot be seen

with a bunch
of douchey vamp kids

and their poser-ass
plastic fangs.


- Thank you!
- Hey!

I'm just saying
it's nice to know

that Edgar Allan Poe
agrees with us.

- Agrees with who?

Is that red dye in your hair,

or did a blood demon take a sh*t
on your head, poser?

Uh-oh, he got you there,
n*gga.

Okay, look,
we're running out of time.

You have to help us
stop the emos.

- Why should I?

Just 'cause you summoned me

doesn't mean
you're the boss of me.

- Uh, yeah, it kind of does.

- Oh, okay, Mom.

Let's go
fight the emos, Mom.

- What-where you ta-

No! No!

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

Get me out of here!

Let me go!
- Shh.

It's best you don't upset them.

What the hell are you
doing to people?

Not me.
I just work for them.

They're not evil, you know.
They're just misunderstood.

All I do is help the emos
get into their human host.

They promised me,
when they take over Earth,

I can have a cabin on the lake
and all the steak I can eat.

Wait a minute.
Emos are plants?

- Shh, shh, it's okay.

Not just any plant.
They're very unique.

Very Special!

Nobody understands them.

Emo-claris Americanus-
wonderful species,

except for their tendencies
of self-mutilation

and the need for other species
to acknowledge their pain.

- Oh, it all makes sense now.
- Aah!

Oh, sorry!
Sorry, emo king!

Oh, no,
I wasn't talking to him.

I mean, I was, but-
yes.

Yes, I understand.

Right away.

No! What are you doing?
I don't want to be emo!

You just don't understand.
You'll understand them soon.

- What the-

It's quicker
if you don't fight it.

- No! No!

- All right, listen up.

Once we find our friend,

we gotta torch the place
and get out.

Dude, Edgar,
can you not smoke in the car?

- You can't tell me what to do.

Who elected you
the mayor of me?

Put it out, Edgar.
It's annoying everybody.

- God, you guys are so lame.

And if you want my help,

you better all
stop calling me Edgar.

Well, that's your name,
isn't it?

That's the name
my stupid parents gave me.

I like to be called
by my goth name, NightPain.

All: Oh, God.

What?
You guys are posers.

- Hey, just so you all know,

if one of you ain't
who they say they is

and we get inside that base
and you reveal

you actually one of them
emo m*therf*ckers in disguise,

I will go crazy on your ass.

- If one of us is a traitor,

it's probably
your wannabe vampire leader.

- Oh, f*ck off, NightPain.

- Make me, poser.

- Michael? You here?

I feel like
we're being watched.

Dude, Michael,
are you okay?

Kick it over.
Stop the plant!

Oh!
Oh, thank God you're here.

Emos are plants, and they're
invading human bodies.

All right, we're gonna
get you out of here,

and then we're gonna
burn this whole place down.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid
that's not the plan.

- You did very good.

The emo plants are pleased
with your dedication.

Firkle, all this time
we thought you were goth.

How long have you been emo?

Don't you see
we can't stop them?

We might as well join 'em.

Yes, emo king,
right away.

The emo king wants us
to proceed at once.

Ugh, let us go,
you ultimate conformists!

Don't fight it.
It's quicker that way.

Oh, God,
I'm starting to feel emo.

Wait a minute, where the hell
is Edgar Allan Poe?

- He said he was over this

and was gonna hang out
at the Village Inn.

- What?

Hey, are you gonna
order any food,

or are you just gonna sit there
and drink coffee all day?

Leave me alone.
I just want coffee.

- Little prick.
- Bitch.

Poe? Edgar Allan Poe,
where are you?

What the hell are you doing?

You're supposed
to be helping us.

- I can't right now.

I'm dealing with a lot, and
I just have a lot of anxiety.

Look, we summoned you
to help us save the world.

- What's the point?

Save some people, so
some other people can be lame?

And then those lame-os can be
lamer to some other posers?

- God, he is such a downer.

Ahh!

Just let the spores
inside you.

Stop fighting it.

- Wait, look!

- Okay, I'm here, posers.

NightPain!
Destroy the plant leader!

The leader, over there!

- What do you want me to do?

All: sh**t it!

- Really'? sh**t a plant?

- sh**t it!

Wait a minute.
What is this?

This says it was bought
at Lowes Home and Garden

for $29.95.

- Lowes Home and Garden?

- Hey, these are just plants.

- No, they-they talk to me.

No, they're just, like,
ficus plants in vibrating pots.

- But-

Looks like
it's over, Harold Flannigan!

So we have
just one question for you...

Are you scared?

- What do you mean?
- Are you scared?

- Yes!
- That's good!

'Cause you're
on Yes, I Was Scared!

What?

Look, look at the camera
right there.

Oh, my God,
are you serious?

Your wife Sarah
put you up to this.

" Ha ha, I got you!

- This is a prank?

Oh, man, that's good.
They got us good.

I turned traitor
for no reason?

- Did you know about this?

I have no idea
what's going on.

Howard, did you suspect at all
that the gardening job

at a camp for troubled teens
was a setup?

No, they really
had me convinced!

And you didn't
suspect anything

when we had plants tell you
to turn goths and vamp kids

into emos when really
they're exactly the same thing?

I guess
I should have figured it out.

I'm an idiot.

- Tune in again next week,

when we make a woman
from Milwaukee

think she's working
at a haunted abortion clinic.

So, my friends, have you made
the transformation?

Uh...Henrietta,
we have some bad news.

The plants you think took over
your body and made you emo...

they're just plants...
from Lowes Home and Garden.

It was all a prank by some
douchey network reality show.

- No.

There's an organic spore
in my head

that made me
switch cliques so easily.

No, you just kind of
did it on your own.

- Oh, my God.

This is so embarrassing.

- Uh, hang on.

What I meant to say was,

we just infiltrated
the emo lair,

and we torched
the plant leader.

- Oh.

Oh!

It's me!

I'm-I'm me again!

Oh, my God,
I'm all better.

Thanks, you guys.

Henrietta,
I have dinner ready.

- Shut up, Mom!

Leave me alone, you
conformist bag of demon jizz!

- Fatty!
Post Reply