17x08 - A Song of Ass and Fire

[bunniefuu]

Previously on South Park...

Soon we will be fighting
the greatest battle

of our young, hot lives-

Black Friday.

Everyone who wants
to get PS4s, join with us.

Tom, the South Park Mall
says they've beefed up security.

You have a strong influence
over the rest

of the men, Lady McKormick.

- You can't die!

We thought
you should see this.

What would they do
on Game of Thrones?

What would they do when things
looked their darkest?

Now, let me tell you,
child,

of a w*r
that is about to come.

Since time unremembered,
there have been two...

one dark and unforgiving,

the other
pure and filled with light.

At the dawn of w*r,
I stand alone

looking out at what will be
the last b*ttlefield,

For winter is coming,
and I am a princess.

Once a common lady
of the dark army

but denied my right to be
called princess by birth,

I betrayed my kind.

And now I have chosen my side,

that which I believe
is best for all,

for it has a dual shock
controller with a speaker

and a touch pad interface.

Our land is split in two.

Brother against brother,
friend versus friend.

My parents will fight
on Black Friday as well.

For what,
I do not know.

What the hell
is he wearing now?

My followers,
though few in number,

shall help see me through

until I am finally accepted
as a princess by all.

I cannot rest,
for I know that even now

the enemy is training
for battle,

also preparing for winter.

Hee-yah!

- All right, stop, stop, stop!

This is not how you fight.

You think this is a joke?

On Black Friday, there's going
to be thousands of shoppers

trying to get inside that mall,

keeping you from getting
Xbox Ones.

So what do we do?

We survey each enemy,
and we att*ck their weak spot.

Scott Malkinson has diabetes,

so we hit him
in his weak spot.

Oh, God!

There's another army
out there

who thinks they're better
than us,

and we are not going to be b*at
by that traitor whore, Kenny!

Get back to training!

- Yeah!
- Aah!

Cartman, we should probably
talk about our chances.

The men are just
inexperienced, Sir Kyle.

They need more training.
- It's not enough.

Ever since Kenny
switched sides,

there are more kids that wanna
go with PS4 on Black Friday.

- That g*dd*mn traitor.

You know why Kenny's
doing this, right?

Because he wanted to be
a princess,

and I wouldn't let him.

I said, "You can be a chick,
Kenny, but there's only

one ruler, and that's me!"

Sony released the PS4s,
Cartman.

They're being reviewed.
People are liking them.

I guarantee you Kenny
had something to do

with Sony offering
a Brack Friday Bunduru.

Just keep them in training,
Sir Kyle.

Two can play
at Kenny's backstabbing game.

Stupid assh*le.

Yes, hello,
I'd like to speak

to the president of Xbox,
please.

The president of Xbox.
Like-like, the head of Xbox.

Fine, CEO of Microsoft,
whatever, put him on.

I need help blowing up
PlayStation people.

Eric Cartman.
I'm a wizard and a king.

A wizard king, yes.

No, I'm not king of wizards,

I'm a king that happens
to be a wizard.

Just put the CEO of Microsoft
on the phone!

- Mr. Ballmer,

John and Dave from marketing
are here to see you.

Yes, hello.
How are things going out there?

Sir, the tides of w*r
are changing.

- There's a king in Colorado,

a young wizard
who believes that Sony

will have the upper hand
if we do not come to his aid.

He claims that with our help,
his followers are prepared

to fight to the death
over which system is better.

Uh, what are you guys
talking about?

You sound ridiculous.

- There's going to be a w*r

in this small town
on Black Friday,

and it's all over the news.

- Guys, these are console wars,

not some epic battle
for a kingdom.

I mean, come on.

But this one kid says
that he's a wizard

and that Sony is helping
to arm all of our-

- Guys! Guys! Guys!

It's just a video game
machine, all right?

Microsoft's a company
that tries to be

above all the petty
commercialism, okay?

- O-okay.
- Okay.

Well, Black Friday
is still a few days away,

but it looks like it's already
claimed another fatality.

- Niles Lawton is on the scene,

and, Niles,
what are you hearing?

Tom, tragedy struck
last night

when mall security officer
Miles "Happy" Davis

was beaten to death
with this candy cane

after telling a mother
she couldn't line up

for Black Friday
until Thursday night.

In honor of the slain
mall security officer,

the mall has decided
to officially drop

another 10% off
Black Friday deals.

J"J"

- Happy was a good man.

Too good to have d*ed in such
a brutal but festive manner.

- Captain! Captain!

The mall is dropping the
Black Friday sale another 10%.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

- They can't do that!
- What? That's 90% off!

- Oh, God, they're back!

The shoppers are back!

Everybody, stay put.
I'll handle this.

If you are here
for Black Friday,

you cannot be
on mall property

until midnight
on Thanksgiving.

- We're not on mall property.

- Well, you're about to be.

Well, what if we just walk
really, really slow?

Black Friday!

You're gonna have to walk
slower than that.

You've got a while.

We can walk really slow.
Look

- Smart-asses.

Paladin Butters,
I was hoping

I could talk to you
about Lady McKormick.

You mean Princess Kenny,
my Lord?

- Yeah, whatever.

The little prick thinks
he's Daenerys Targaryen.

I need to know
how to deal with him.

How do they deal
with the queen of dragons

in Game of Thrones?
- They don't!

Well, did you finish watching
season three like I asked you?

- Yeah, I finished it.

So what happens
when the dragons show up?

- Nothing!

The dragons are just
still on their way!

They keep promising dragons,

but all I get are more
floppy wieners in my face.

Butters-Butters,
the key to our victory

is following the Game of Thrones
model exactly.

I have to know what happens
when the dragons show up,

so I know how to deal
with Kenny.

Well, what do you want me
to do?

Here's two bus tickets
to New Mexico.

I want you to take
Sir Scott Malkinson and go

seek out
George R.R. Martin for answers.

- Who's George R.R. Martin?

He's the guy who writes
Game of Thrones, Butters!

He can let us both know
how to handle Kenny

and if we should betray
Clyde or not.

Let's face it, Butters,

this is really about
you and me getting Xboxes.

The rest are simply there

to help us
get through those doors.

- Hew

I told you kids to stay out
of my damn yard!

Do you mind?
We're trying to talk here.

Yeah? Well, how come every
time you talk to somebody,

it's about betraying
somebody else?

Why don't you mind
your own business?

No, listen,
for the last time,

we don't have any dragons
to send them.

If some people want
to choose PlayStations,

it's their choice.

- Sir, Mr. Gates is here.

Bill Gates?
I gotta go.

Hey, hey, Bill Gates actually
showing up at corporate.

- Hey, Steve, how you doing?
- Not bad, you know.

Just trying to get this next gen
press stuff handled.

I heard
there's a little trouble in, uh,

Colorado somewhere?

Oh, it's-no, it turns out
it was nothing,

just some kids trying to turn

the console wars
into something bigger.

Oh, my gosh,
you know, when I stepped down

and left you in charge
of the company, Steve,

I knew there might be
some challenges for you.

Yeah, well, nothing
I can't handle.

There might be some changes we
need to make to our marketing,

but I'm optimistic.
- Uh-huh.

You know, I think
we'll ultimately sell

the number of units we want to.

You're right, Steve.
Some changes do need to be made.

Do you know
what weakness is, Steve?

Weakness is believing
that competition is healthy.

See, there was a time
when Xboxes and PlayStations

could both survive in this
world, but that time's done.

It's all headed to one device

that people game on,
watch TV on, socialize on.

There's only going to be
one winner.

I can't have you idiots
throwing away

everything I worked so hard
to achieve.

- Clean that sh*t up.

Well, come on, Scott,
you're lagging.

I think my insulin's low.
I need to eat.

- Let's just talk to this guy,

and then we can hit
a McDonald's.

Oh, here we go.
2217.

- Can I help you?
- Hello?

Is this George R.R. Martin's
house?

- Who is this, please?

Uh, it's two kids who want
to know what happens

when the dragons show up.

Hello?

I'm sorry, but Mr. Martin
does not see fans.

- We're not fans!
- Yeah, we don't like it!

We don't like it,
and I'm pretty pissed off,

if you want to know
the truth.

- About what?

Let me talk
to George R.R. Martin,

and I'll tell him about what.

It's the Red Wedding,
isn't it?

You hate how I k*lled
everyone off?

No, sir, we just really need
to know about the dragons,

but they never
seem to show up.

Oh, they're coming.
The dragons are on their way.

- When?
- You really want to know?

Please.
It's urgent!

All right. King Joffrey
is still at King's Landing,

but there's a young blacksmith

who wakes up one morning
with a plan,

and his wiener gently hangs
down between his legs.

Soft and flaccid, his wiener
glistens in the golden sunlight.

No, no,
can we skip the wiener stuff

and just get to the dragons?

Aw, sh*t, I think-
I think I'm going to faint.

- What's the matter, Scott?

I told you, I have to eat
every two hours!

- He's diabetic.

- Oh, jeez!

Why don't you kids
come out of the cold?

I'll order us some pizzas.

- Oh, okay, thanks.

Come on in,
I'll tell you everything

that's gonna happen
in Game of Thrones.

Sir Kyle, I wanted to talk
to you about Stan.

If you want to make sure
I'm not switching sides,

Cartman,
you don't have to worry.

Stan is wrong.
- It isn't that.

Princess Kenny
is loved by her army,

but Stan is still the nuts
and balls of their operation.

It would be a huge setback
to the traitors

getting their PlayStations
if Stan were to be...grounded?

- Grounded for what?

- That could be up to you.
- No, Cartman.

You said nobody
would have to be grounded.

We're not playing dirty.

Fine, Sir Kyle.
Perhaps you're right.

Did you know that Stan's dad
is working a temp job

as mall security?
- What?

Seems a little convenient,
doesn't it?

Stan with somebody on the inside
to help him get his PS4s?

Who's playing dirty now?

Let's face it, Sir Kyle,

this is all about you and me
getting Xboxes.

The rest are simply there to
help us get through those doors.

- Don't believe it!

He said that
to a bunch of people!

Dude, you better stop
harassing me,

or I'm calling the cops!

- You're calling the cops?
- Yeah!

You're on my property!
I'm calling the cops.

Well, go ahead,
call the f*cking cops then!

Oh, oh!
Oh, it's you.

Tom, I'm standing
in your doorway

because we have
a hot news story to report.

We don't go to work
for another hour.

We just got a call
from Bill Gates.

He says he can promise us
a bigger w*r on Black Friday

if we play along.

- He wants us to side with him?
- That's right, Tammy.

Let's not forget that having
a bloodbath on Black Friday

is good for the news.

It's good for us.
The bigger the better.

Our job is to report the news,
not make it more violent.

Right, Tom, because
you're so about integrity.

Let's go.

Or maybe I should let
everyone in the newsroom

know what
their two anchors are up to.

Back to you.

It's the morning news
with Torn and Tammy Thompson,

Colorado's top rated
brother-sister news team.

Well, Black Friday
is just around the corner,

and, Tammy, it's getting
fierce out there.

That's right,
Niles Lawton is out at the mall

with a little holiday surprise.

Tammy, the excitement
over Black Friday is peaking,

and none other
than Bill Gates himself

has shown up to try
to make it even bigger.

That's right, we just
want to do whatever we can

to help our supporters
get their Xboxes

at incredible deals on Friday,

so we've come to offer swords
and battle axes,

whatever the kids can carry

to help them fight their way
through the other shoppers.

We understand that
you've donated some g*ns

to the kids as well.

Yes, but we are limiting it
to one per Xbox follower,

because of course,
the key thing here

on everyone's mind is safety.

' Yes?

- Hi, is Kenny home?

Uh, yeah, Kenny's out back
playing with his friends.

- Forward, men!

That-no-
no, you gotta turn me.

It's the enemy!
Defensive p-positions!

- Protect the princess!
- Get out of here!

- k*ll 'em!
- k*ll 'em, get out!

I seek audience with
the traitor, Lady McKormick.

- Let them pass.

The princess bids your fat ass
welcome to her kingdom

and suggests
you state your purpose.

You can't win this, guys.
Look around you.

Lay down your weapons,
and you can come back

and fight for Xboxes with us
on Black Friday.

The princess says that
if you want to change your mind

and agree that PlayStations
are better, she'll consider it.

Kenny, we all understand
wanting to play as the chick

once in a while, okay?

But you are never going
to be a real princess.

What?

The princess calls you
a ball-licking lesbian.

That doesn't even
make sense.

Stan, this has gone too far.
People are going to get hurt.

What you started
is way out of control.

What I started?
How dare you?

All these people are going
to be gaming on Xbox.

You really want to just game
with Craig

the rest of your life?

I would rather game
with Craig

than spend one minute

having to set up
an Xbox Live account.

We will get
our PlayStations tomorrow,

and you buttholes
will have nothing!

You're outnumbered
ten to one,

and there's no time left.

How will you win?

- The gods will find us a way.

- So then Samwell Tarly

sees the army approaching,

and his wiener
is about this big.

He knows that
Stannis Baratheon's wiener

is probably shriveled
from the cold.

Samwell has to rally his men.
So what does he do?

He takes out his wiener...

And he dangles it around
for all his men to see.

Ah!

" Aw!

Sir, you said pizzas
were coming.

Yeah, yeah.
They're on their way.

They're still coming.
So Samwell's wiener goes-

But you said
they were on their way,

like, three hours ago.

If I don't get pizza soon,
I'm going to pass out.

- Don't worry, they're coming.

Pizzas are on their way.
They're gonna be amazing.

Now, Jon Snow finally faces
Jaime Lannister,

and this guy's wiener is,
you know, huge, right?

So it's not going to be easy.
- Ugh!

Mr. Gates, I was hoping
I could talk to you

about the fight on Friday.
- Certainly.

Eric, right?

Uh, it's "my Lord
Wizard King," actually.

Having your leadership
has certainly been a help,

but I hope that we're clear
that this is my army.

There can only be
one person of royalty.

That's kind of the rules.

Oh, I certainly don't want
to step on your toes.

Don't worry,
I'm quite good at letting

my CEOs do what they want.

- Your CEOs?

- Let's face it.

This is really just about you
and me getting Xboxes.

The rest are simply there
to help us

get through those doors.

Uh, hmm.
What?

- Ha ha!

How's it feel?

Now who's walking who
through the betrayal garden?

Why don't you stay
the f*ck out of my business?

Why don't you stay the f*ck
out of my yard?

That was amazing sex.
I enjoyed it immensely.

How about you?

You know,
Microsoft has given kids

who want Xboxes on Black Friday
a lot of support.

Seems a shame that the fight
will be so one-sided.

Eh.

Black Friday's
about to happen,

and it's not even
gonna be a fight.

That's bad for both of us.

There must be something you can
give to kids who want Sonys

to make the fight more even.

- Hai.

Yes, I think
that will do nicely.

- Wiener, wiener, wiener

Wiener, wiener,
wiener, wiener

Wiener, wiener...
- One wiener

Next to another wiener

Wiener, wiener,
wiener, wiener...

- Two wieners alongside

Yet another wiener

Party, wiener party,
wiener party

Party party
- Soft wieners

Nice and soft

- Non-erect wieners
- Wieners flopping

Keep them flopping

Flopping wieners,
flopping wieners

- Dangle, dangle
- Five wieners in my face

- Stop!

Stop, please.
I can't take any more.

- But this is the best part,

right before King Joffrey
gets poisoned.

Everyone flops their wieners
all around his face!

Listen, buddy!

You promised that pizzas
were on the way!

If they don't show up
right now,

you're gonna have a dead kid
on your hands.

Do you hear me?

Okay, okay, fine, fine!
What kind of pizzas do you want?

- What kind do we want?

He hasn't even ordered
the pizzas yet!

Don't worry, they're coming!
Not just two pizzas.

There's-
there's gonna be five.

And they're gonna be huge!
You won't believe it.

Come on, Scott.
We're leaving.

Wait, I haven't told you
what happens yet!

No! Black Friday
is about to happen,

and my friends and I
have to be the first ones

inside the mall
to get Xboxes.

Well, why didn't you say so?
I can help with that.

- What do you mean?

- I'll make some calls.

I know a way to make sure

you're completely prepared
for Black Friday.

J"J"

Sony PS4.

The president of Sony
bids you thanks

for all your support of the PS4.

He offers you this gift
to once and for all

make you
an official princess

and to give you
the powers you need

to win this w*r
on Black Friday.

J"J"

Wow, Kenny's
a Japanese princess.

- Whoo!

J"J"

Princess Kenny

J"J"

- Oh, God, we're done for!

My friends,
the time is almost here.

Let us face these shoppers

with the bravery of those mall
security officers before us.

Commander Marsh.

They're what?

They're gonna what?

Tom, we have breaking news
from the South Park Mall.

In an effort to make sure
everyone is prepared,

the mall has decided to push
Black Friday by one week.

- Aw!
- What?

- What?
- Come on!

The genius idea was proposed
by George R.R. Martin,

who also suggested, "f*ck it!

Let's push Thanksgiving
to December 3rd."

For pushing the date,
the mall is now reducing

Black Friday prices
to 96% off

to the first hundred people
inside the mall.

This is going to be
a f*cking bloodbath, Tom!

There will be medical tents,
ambulances, face painting.

No doubt a lot of people

you know and love
are going to die.

- Wiener party, party party
- Soft wieners